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TRANSCRIPT
By Todd Wallinger
© Copyright 2014, by Todd Wallinger
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.
All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.
All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by TODD WALLINGER to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.
These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.
ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.
COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.
On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:
1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama
Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”4. The following notice: “Award winner of the Beverly Hills Theatre Guild/Youth
Theatre Competition.”
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN, PRIVATE EYE
By TODD WALLINGER
CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)
# of lines
RUMPELSTILTSKIN ..............hard-boiled detective 219UGLY DUCKLING ..................his annoying sidekick 158MAMA BEAR .......................femme fatale 29PAPA BEAR..........................her bear-pecked husband 11BABY BEAR .........................their son; too big for his own 21
good GOLDILOCKS ......................from the wrong side of the tracks 18GINGERBREAD MAN ............always on the run 2WORRIED PIG ......................voted “Most Likely to Develop 12
an Ulcer”SMART PIG .........................brains of the operation 15NOT-SO-SMART PIG..............his name says it all 13BIG BAD WOLF ....................full of excuses 21VIRGINIA WOLF ....................who’s afraid of her? 13LITTLE RED .........................sickeningly sweet 27SNOW WHITE ......................talks your ear off 32DROWSY .............................dwarf who needs his beauty sleep 2CLUMSY .............................dwarf with two left feet 15BOSSY ...............................dwarf who tells everybody what 18
to doGLOOMY .............................dwarf who never sees the bright 11
sidePERKY ................................easily excited dwarf 13NERDY ...............................know-it-all dwarf 15HUNGRY .............................dwarf who never met a pizza he 10
didn’t likePRINCE PRONTO .................oozes masculine charm 8CINDERELLA .......................smart aleck 52FAIRY GODMOTHER .............full of magic; some of it even 9
worksMINERVA ............................Cinderella’s evil stepmother 7HORTENSE .........................Cinderella’s ugly stepsister 10
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PENELOPE ..........................Cinderella’s uglier stepsister 13FAIRY GODFATHER ...............wise guy 10GRANNY .............................Little Red’s grandmother; young 3
at heart
SETTINGFairy-Tale Land.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENESScene One: Rumpelstiltskin’s office, late morning.Scene Two: The Three Bears’ kitchen, later that morning.Scene Three: A clearing in the woods, early afternoon.Scene Four: Another clearing in the woods, moments later.Scene Five: Rumpelstiltskin’s office, mid-afternoon.Scene Six: Granny’s house, a short time later.Scene Seven: Another clearing, still mid-afternoon.Scene Eight: Cinderella’s house, late afternoon.Scene Nine: Baby Bear’s room, early evening.
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SET DESCRIPTIONSBecause the play takes place in eight different locations, the sets are kept very simple. All the interior sets can be suggested with a few pieces of furniture.Rumpelstiltskin’s office needs only a shabby desk and two office chairs, one behind and one in front of the desk.The Three Bears’ kitchen—described as “a real mess”—needs a table and five chairs, three for the characters to sit in and two that are knocked over. Other forms of clutter may be scattered about as desired. To make things easier, the mess can be confined to the top of the table, with an assortment of overturned cereal boxes and bowls indicating the Bears’ distaste for cleaning up.Granny’s house needs a bed.Cinderella’s house can get by with a single chair for Cinderella to sit in, although a fireplace would add a nice touch.Baby Bear’s room needs a toy box large enough to fit Granny. An oversized crib is optional but could be hilarious.The three exterior scenes are even simpler, as they take place at different clearings in the woods. Use simple flats or a backdrop for the trees and bushes.The Three Little Pigs spend most of Scene Four hiding behind a rock. This should be represented by a small flat mounted on wheels and attached to a string so it can be pulled OFFSTAGE when Baby Bear lets loose with his Sneeze of Mass Destruction. If you prefer not to use wheels, the flat can be pushed over.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN, PRIVATE EYE
Scene OneLIGHTS UP: A shabby office, late morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN is at his desk, reading something embarrassing like Tiger Beat or Seventeen. When he sees the AUDIENCE, he hides the magazine and crosses DOWNSTAGE to address them.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You think your town’s tough? Where I come from,
mothers bump off their daughters just because they’re better looking and wolves eat little old ladies just because they can. That’s right. I’m from Fairy-Tale Land, the most dangerous patch of real estate this side of Oz. Who am I? I’m Rumpelstiltskat… Rumpelstuffkin… Stuffelrumpkin. Oh, to heck with it. I’m a private eye. In my job, I’ve got to deal with the lowest, most despicable characters in town. And that’s just my sidekick.
UGLY DUCKLING: (ENTERS LEFT, blowing on the duck call she wears.) Boss! Boss! There’s been a break-in at—
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: There’s my sidekick now, folks. Ugly Duckling.UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, watch the name-calling. You don’t look so hot
yourself.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Could you keep quiet for once? I’m trying to tell
these people my story.UGLY DUCKLING: People? What people?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Those people out there.UGLY DUCKLING: (Stares at the AUDIENCE in awe.) Ooooo. Do they
always just sit there like that?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No. Sometimes they cheer and throw money.UGLY DUCKLING: Something tells me this ain’t that kind of crowd.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To AUDIENCE.) Like I was saying, Fairy-Tale Land
is a tough place. But it was never tougher than the day she walked in. She was tall and dark with thick, brown hair. So thick, in fact, she needed a shave. All over her body.
MAMA BEAR: (ENTERS LEFT.) Hello. Are you Mr. Pie?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It’s not “pie.” It’s “P.I.” Like in “private
investigator”? My name is Stumpy Inkpen… Rumpled Pigskin… Wrinkled Pumpkin. Fine. Just call me Mr. Pie. And your name is...?
MAMA BEAR: Mama Bear. I’m looking for a top-notch detective.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. How can
I help?MAMA BEAR: Somebody broke into our cottage this morning.UGLY DUCKLING: That’s what I was trying to tell you, boss!
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Quiet! (To MAMA BEAR.) What do you mean “our” cottage?
MAMA BEAR: Sorry. I should have explained. I live there with my husband and baby.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Wait, Mama Bear. Don’t tell me. Are their names Papa Bear and Baby Bear?
MAMA BEAR: That’s right. How did you know?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’m a detective. I’m supposed to know these
things. That’ll be $200, please.MAMA BEAR: That’s not what I’m hiring you for.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It isn’t?MAMA BEAR: No. I need you to find out who broke into our cottage.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Sounds like a dirty job.MAMA BEAR: Wait until you see our cottage.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’ve got to warn you, Mrs. Bear. I don’t come
cheap.MAMA BEAR: How much do you charge?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Three gold pieces and your first-born child.MAMA BEAR: Would you take two gold pieces and my first-born child?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It’s a deal. (He and MAMA BEAR shake hands.)
Do you mind if I take a look around?MAMA BEAR: Why not? It’s your office.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I mean, can I take a look around your cottage?MAMA BEAR: If you want. Just make sure you don’t wake the baby.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Let me guess. He’s a real bear in the morning.MAMA BEAR: That’s not funny.UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, boss. Can I come along? Can I? Can I?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Aren’t you supposed to be flying south or
something?UGLY DUCKLING: Nah, that’s ducks. I’m a swan, remember?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: If you’re a swan, how come you quack?UGLY DUCKLING: I’m bilingual. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN throws up his
hands in exasperation and EXITS LEFT. UGLY DUCKLING and MAMA BEAR follow. BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene One
Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: The Three Bears’ kitchen, later that morning. The place is a real mess. While PAPA BEAR sits reading a newspaper, MAMA BEAR leads RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING ON LEFT.
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MAMA BEAR: Now, whatever you do, don’t wake the baby.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Mrs. Bear, I’m a trained detective. If there’s one
thing I know how to do, it’s sneak into a place undetected. (UGLY DUCKLING promptly trips over her big webbed feet. She lets out a loud quack on her duck call.) Her, not so much.
MAMA BEAR: (Scolds.) Papa Bear! Put down your newspaper! We have guests! (Sweet.) Mr. Pie, this is my husband, Papa Bear. Papa Bear, this is the famous detective, Mr. Pie.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Nice to meet you.UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, what about me?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, yeah. This is my partner, Ugly Duckling.UGLY DUCKLING: I’m really a beautiful swan.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Just ignore her.PAPA BEAR: I’m sure Mrs. Bear told you about the break-in.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes, and I can see what you mean. This place is
a disaster.PAPA BEAR: Oh, no. Our cottage always looks like this.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t understand. I thought your home was
burglarized.PAPA BEAR: It was, but the burglar didn’t cause this mess. We just
don’t believe in housework. (Crumples up his newspaper and tosses it behind him.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Then what makes you think somebody broke in?MAMA BEAR: Because when we came home from our walk today, we
discovered something horrible. It’s so horrible I can’t even bring myself to say it.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Please, Mrs. Bear, I have to know. What happened?
MAMA BEAR: Somebody ate Baby Bear’s porridge.UGLY DUCKLING: Porridge? What’s porridge?PAPA BEAR: It’s like the runniest oatmeal you’ve ever had. Only
runnier.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: To be honest, Mrs. Bear, the burglar did you a
favor.MAMA BEAR: I don’t think you’re taking this crime very seriously.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’re right. I’m sorry. Do you mind if we sit
down?MAMA BEAR: No, go ahead. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING
sit.)UGLY DUCKLING: This one is too soft.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And this one is too hard.PAPA BEAR: That’s because you’re sitting on my golf club.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Pulls a golf club out from under him and hands
it to PAPA BEAR.) Thanks. Now look, Mrs. Bear. I deal with murder and mayhem on a daily basis. A half-eaten bowl of oatmeal isn’t exactly my idea of a crime.
MAMA BEAR: Well, what about this chair? When we got home, we found it completely destroyed.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, I don’t know. It just looks a little loose. I could probably fix it in no time.
MAMA BEAR: (Shouts.) I don’t want you to fix it! I want you to find the burglar!
BABY BEAR: (From OFF RIGHT.) Waaaaah!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Alarmed.) What was that?!PAPA BEAR: Now you did it. You woke up Baby Bear.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I woke up Baby Bear? (SOUND EFFECT: GIANT
FOOTSTEPS.)MAMA BEAR: Yes, and now he’s coming downstairs.UGLY DUCKLING: Thank goodness. I thought a herd of elephants was
on the rampage.PAPA BEAR: In a minute, you’ll wish it was a herd of elephants.BABY BEAR: (ENTERS RIGHT. He’s huge.) Waaaaah!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s Baby Bear?UGLY DUCKLING: What do you feed him? Miracle-Gro?MAMA BEAR: Oh, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just big for
his age.UGLY DUCKLING: LeBron James (or a current basketball star) is big for
his age. This kid’s enormous!BABY BEAR: I want my noogie! I want my noogie!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t know what a noogie is, but we’d better
get one quick.MAMA BEAR: Don’t worry. He just wants his blanket.UGLY DUCKLING: Oh, yeah? What does he use? A circus tent?MAMA BEAR: (Hands BABY BEAR his blanket.) There you go, Baby
Bear.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE. To AUDIENCE.) I’ve met
some screwy characters in my time, but this was ridiculous. I didn’t have any idea who ate the oatmeal, and I didn’t care. All I knew was I had to get out of there—and fast.
PAPA BEAR: Who’s he talking to?
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UGLY DUCKLING: You don’t want to know.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Returns to the BEARS.) Look, Mrs. Bear, I’d love
to help you, but I don’t have much to go on.UGLY DUCKLING: (Picks up a single hair from the table.) Hey, boss!
Look at this!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What is it?UGLY DUCKLING: It looks like a golden strand of hair.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Our first clue. I think I’ll do some asking around.BABY BEAR: I want to go! I want to go!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s real cute, Baby Bear. Now why don’t you go
back to bed? For about 18 years?PAPA BEAR: No, Baby Bear has a good idea. If he went with you, he
could learn how to do detective work, and Mama Bear and I could finally have some peace and quiet.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What about me?MAMA BEAR: You’re the one who wanted our first-born child.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That was before I met the child.MAMA BEAR: A deal’s a deal, Mr. Pie.PAPA BEAR: Yes, it was nice knowing you. (He and MAMA BEAR shove
the OTHERS DOWNSTAGE, out of their house. In the excitement, BABY BEAR drops his blanket.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, that’s just great. Now I’m stuck with an overgrown baby and an obnoxious duck. (EXITS LEFT with UGLY DUCKLING and BABY BEAR following him OFF.)
UGLY DUCKLING: How many times do I have to tell you? I’m a swan!BABY BEAR: I want my noogie! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Two
Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: A clearing in the woods, early afternoon. While UGLY DUCKLING and BABY BEAR look for GOLDILOCKS’S house, RUMPELSTILTSKIN crosses DOWNSTAGE to speak to the AUDIENCE.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That strand of hair was the break I needed. There
was only one person in Fairy-Tale Land with hair that exact shade of gold—Goldilocks, a two-bit hood who had the annoying habit of sneaking into people’s homes and griping about their stuff. Unfortunately, I had no idea where she lived. Fortunately, a little bird told me.
UGLY DUCKLING: (Points OFF RIGHT.) Hey, boss! Goldilocks lives over there!
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, for a little bird, you’re kind of big.BABY BEAR: A-a-a-choo! (Sneezes, causing a gust of wind that nearly
blows RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING off their feet. OPTIONAL SOUND EFFECT: WIND.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, great. Now Baby Bear has a cold.UGLY DUCKLING: That’s no cold! That’s a hurricane!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, if we have to trail somebody, he’s going
to blow our cover. We’ve got to get rid of him.UGLY DUCKLING: I know, but how?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’ve got an idea. Hey, Baby Bear! Would you like
to go on an assignment?BABY BEAR: As-sign-ment?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes. It’s a special top-secret assignment. In fact,
it’s so secret, even we don’t know what it is.BABY BEAR: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! What do I do? What do I do?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s what we need you to find out.BABY BEAR: Huh?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: But remember, as soon as you find it, you’ve got
to bring it right here.BABY BEAR: Okay, guys! I go find thing! (EXITS LEFT.)UGLY DUCKLING: Sneaky. Very sneaky. (GOLDILOCKS ENTERS RIGHT,
wearing a wild red wig. She tries to walk past RUMPELSTILTSKIN, but he stops her.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey!GOLDILOCKS: What do you want?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Points OFF RIGHT.) Is that the house where
Goldilocks lives?GOLDILOCKS: That depends. Who wants to know?UGLY DUCKLING: We’re detectives. Despite my beautiful swan-like
appearance, my name is Ugly Duckling. And you can call him Skin.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, when you shorten my name, don’t
shorten it from the end. Shorten it from the beginning.UGLY DUCKLING: You want me to call you Rump?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: On second thought, don’t shorten it at all.GOLDILOCKS: Goldilocks used to live there, but she moved.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Can you tell us where she moved to?GOLDILOCKS: What do I look like? A phone book?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, I was thinking more like Ronald McDonald.
(OFF LEFT, BABY BEAR sneezes up another windstorm. OPTIONAL
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SOUND EFFECT: WIND. GOLDILOCKS’S wig flies off, revealing a head of curly blonde hair. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])
GOLDILOCKS: Hey!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It’s Goldilocks!GOLDILOCKS: (Grabs the wig and puts it back on her head.) So what’s
the big deal? It’s not a crime to be a redhead, is it?UGLY DUCKLING: With that wig, maybe it should be.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: All right, out with it. Why were you wearing a
disguise? Were you trying to hide from the law?GOLDILOCKS: No. I—I just wanted a different hair color is all. Do you
know how tired I get being called Goldilocks all the time?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Goldilocks isn’t your real name?GOLDILOCKS: No, it’s Melva.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: If I were you, I’d stick with Goldilocks.GOLDILOCKS: Why are you bothering me, anyway?UGLY DUCKLING: Because we’re investigating a crime, and we think
you might be wrapped up in it.GOLDILOCKS: I ain’t done nothing, I swear.UGLY DUCKLING: Oh, yeah? Then where were you last Tuesday at five
p.m.?GOLDILOCKS: Why? Was the crime committed last Tuesday at five
p.m.?UGLY DUCKLING: No. I was hoping you saw the end of Spongebob
Squarepants (or a contemporary TV show). I missed it.GOLDILOCKS: When did the crime take place?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It’s hard to pin down, but I’d say sometime after
yesterday and before tomorrow.GOLDILOCKS: So it happened today?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, for someone who wasn’t involved in
the crime, you sure know an awful lot about it.GOLDILOCKS: You can’t pin this rap on me. I’ve got an alibi. I spent
the whole day with the Three Little Pigs.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Never heard of them.GOLDILOCKS: Well, they don’t get out much.UGLY DUCKLING: Do they have names?GOLDILOCKS: Sure they got names—Worried Pig, Smart Pig and Not-
So-Smart Pig.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Worried Pig, Smart Pig and Not-So-Smart Pig?
Are you kidding me? Those names are ridiculous!
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UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, at least you can pronounce them. (BABY BEAR and the GINGERBREAD MAN ENTER LEFT behind the detectives so only GOLDILOCKS can see them. The GINGERBREAD MAN, a strangely humanoid cookie, is covered by a sack.)
GOLDILOCKS: Uh-oh! I’d better go! (EXITS RIGHT.)UGLY DUCKLING: That was odd.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yeah. You’d almost think something had spooked
her. (BABY BEAR sneezes. OPTIONAL SOUND EFFECT: WIND, RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING nearly getting blown over.) Hey! What are you doing here?
BABY BEAR: Baby Bear found thing.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Baby Bear found thing? What thing?BABY BEAR: You know. Special top-secret thing. (Pulls the sack off the
GINGERBREAD MAN.)GINGERBREAD MAN: Run! Run! As fast as you can! You can’t catch
me, I’m the Gingerbread Man! (EXITS LEFT, running.)BABY BEAR: Come back, thing! (EXITS LEFT, chasing after the
GINGERBREAD MAN.)UGLY DUCKLING: Do you think we should go after that cookie?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No. I’m trying to cut back on fast food. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Three
Scene FourLIGHTS UP: Another clearing, moments later. WORRIED PIG, SMART PIG and NOT-SO-SMART PIG are hiding behind a rock at UPSTAGE RIGHT.WORRIED PIG: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! This is terrible!SMART PIG: Would you stop worrying? Every day it’s something else
with you.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Yeah, you’re getting to be a real pain in the ham
hocks.WORRIED PIG: I can’t help it. My house was just destroyed by a wolf.SMART PIG: Your house was made of straw. A mildly hungry cow
would have destroyed it.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Well, my house was destroyed, and it was made
of sticks.SMART PIG: You know, I’m not sure you guys really get this construction
thing.WORRIED PIG: Oh, yeah? Then why are we hiding behind this rock?NOT-SO-SMART PIG: We should be hiding in your new brick house.
You told us no one could ever break into that.
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SMART PIG: Yeah, well, that’s just the problem. I lost the key. (RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING ENTER LEFT. UGLY DUCKLING is peering at the ground through a magnifying glass.)
WORRIED PIG: Oh, no! I knew it! The wolf is back!SMART PIG: What? Where?WORRIED PIG: Over there. See?SMART PIG: What are you talking about? That’s not a wolf. That
doesn’t even look like a wolf.WORRIED PIG: Maybe it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: That’s dumb. Sheep don’t wear clothing.SMART PIG: You know what I think? I think he’s a detective.WORRIED PIG: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! What would a detective be
doing around here?SMART PIG: I don’t know, but it can’t be good.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Quick! Get down! (The THREE LITTLE PIGS duck
behind the rock.)UGLY DUCKLING: Hey!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What’s the matter?UGLY DUCKLING: I just saw a pig!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t see anything. (Calls.) Hello! Is anybody
there?NOT-SO-SMART PIG: No! Nobody!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To UGLY.) You must have been mistaken.UGLY DUCKLING: Wait a minute. If somebody said nobody, then
nobody must be somebody.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Would you stop it? You’re giving me a headache.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Go away!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey! Who said that?UGLY DUCKLING: It sounded like a pig. We need a way to talk to him.
I’ve got an idea. (Calls.) Ello-hay! Ee-way um-kay i-nay eace-pay!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What was that?UGLY DUCKLING: Pig Latin.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I thought that was a dead language.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: (Pokes his head above the rock.) Well, if it isn’t
dead, he just killed it.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Now I see you! Come out of there!NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin! (Ducks
behind the rock again.)
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UGLY DUCKLING: Well, they may not be speaking Pig Latin, but it’s not exactly English either.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It’s all right. We’re detectives. Come out so we can talk to you.
UGLY DUCKLING: We want to know who broke into the Three Bears’ cottage. (Together, the THREE LITTLE PIGS appear above the rock.)
NOT-SO-SMART PIG: We’re no squealers!UGLY DUCKLING: A-ha! So you do know something about it!SMART PIG: No. We don’t know a thing.WORRIED PIG: We were with Goldilocks all day.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, yeah? Why would a dame like her want to
hang out with swine like you?SMART PIG: If you must know, she was helping us clean up.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What’s the matter? Is your place a real pigsty?SMART PIG: You don’t understand. A wolf knocked down my brothers’
houses.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, really? With what? A bulldozer?SMART PIG: No. With his breath.UGLY DUCKLING: What’s the matter? Hasn’t he ever heard of
Listerine?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Pulls UGLY DUCKLING aside.) You know,
something’s not kosher about this.UGLY DUCKLING: I’d say it was the pigs.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, I’m talking about the whole setup. First a
burglary, then a severe case of halitosis. That’s two crimes on the very same day.
UGLY DUCKLING: Do you think they’re related?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Of course, they’re related. They just said they’re
brothers.UGLY DUCKLING: I mean, are the two crimes related?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t know. We need to do some more snooping
around. (UGLY DUCKLING grabs the magnifying glass and examines the ground at RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S feet.)
UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, look what I found!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Let me guess. My feet?UGLY DUCKLING: No. Feetprints. (Points along the path of the footprints
leading OFF RIGHT. RUMPELSTILTSKIN snatches the magnifying glass and peers at the footprints himself.)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: They don’t look like they came from a wolf.
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UGLY DUCKLING: What do you think made them?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t know, but I’d better take some pictures.
(Pulls out his camera. The GINGERBREAD MAN ENTERS LEFT, running, with BABY BEAR close on his heels. They run directly through the footprints.)
GINGERBREAD MAN: Help! Help! As fast as you dare! If you don’t save me, I’ll be in that bear! (EXITS RIGHT.)
BABY BEAR: Thing, come back! (EXITS RIGHT, chasing him.)RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Great. Now all we’ve got are a bunch of bear
footprints. (OFFSTAGE, BABY BEAR unleashes a sneeze so strong, the ROCK IS BLOWN AWAY [pulled OFF by the string], revealing the THREE LITTLE PIGS behind it. OPTIONAL SOUND EFFECT: WIND.)
NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Oh, no!WORRIED PIG: I knew this would happen!SMART PIG: Run for your lives! (The THREE LITTLE PIGS EXIT LEFT.)RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, that’s just great. I wanted to ask them
some more questions.UGLY DUCKLING: That’s all right. They were kind of a boar. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Four
Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: Rumpelstiltskin’s office, mid-afternoon. The BIG BAD WOLF is sitting in a chair facing the desk. RUMPELSTILTSKIN wanders DOWNSTAGE to address the AUDIENCE.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: After that fiasco, I took Baby Bear to the doctor.
It turns out he didn’t have a cold at all. He’s allergic. To duck feathers! While the doctor treated him for that, I decided to grill every wolf I could find. And if you’ve ever had grilled wolf, you know how unpleasant that can be. (Returning to his desk, he grabs a flashlight and shines it in his own face.) All right, you mug. Tell me the truth. Why did you do it?
BIG BAD WOLF: Why did I do what?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know. Blow down those houses.BIG BAD WOLF: Which houses?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey, I’m the detective. I ask the questions around
here.BIG BAD WOLF: Around where?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Why, here in this— Now stop that!BIG BAD WOLF: You know, I think you’re supposed to shine that
flashlight in my eyes.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh. That might explain why I can’t see anything. (While RUMPELSTILTSKIN turns the flashlight on the BIG BAD WOLF, the carnivore slips on a pair of sunglasses.) How’s that?
BIG BAD WOLF: About the same.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Darn it. (Sets down the flashlight.)BIG BAD WOLF: So did that trio of future footballs accuse me of
destroying their houses again?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yeah. How did you know that?BIG BAD WOLF: Because they blame me for everything. When it’s
windy, they think I’m trying to blow down their houses. When it rains, they think I’m trying to wash them out.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Sounds like they’re kind of skittish.BIG BAD WOLF: No, mostly German and Irish.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So you had no intention of eating those pigs
today?BIG BAD WOLF: Not at all. Why, I’m the best friend they’ve ever had.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, yeah? Then why did I find a book of matches
in your pocket?BIG BAD WOLF: That was just a little housewarming gift.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And a bottle of barbecue sauce?BIG BAD WOLF: I wanted to see if they had good taste. (UGLY
DUCKLING ENTERS LEFT, shoving VIRGINIA WOLF ON ahead of her.)VIRGINIA WOLF: I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it, I tell you!UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, boss. I’ve got another one for you.BIG BAD WOLF: Virginia!VIRGINIA WOLF: Oh, great.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Do you two know each other?VIRGINIA WOLF: No.BIG BAD WOLF: (Simultaneous to the line above.) Yes.VIRGINIA WOLF: All right, fine. We’re very distant—BIG BAD WOLF: Siblings.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Sounds like there’s bad blood between you.VIRGINIA WOLF: Yeah, well, what do you expect? Mom always liked
him best.BIG BAD WOLF: That’s because you always wolfed down your dinner.VIRGINIA WOLF: Well, at least I didn’t make a pig of myself.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Now stop arguing, both of you. I didn’t bring you
here to fight.BIG BAD WOLF: You didn’t bring us here at all.
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VIRGINIA WOLF: Yeah. The giant duck brought us.UGLY DUCKLING: I’m actually a normal-sized swan.BIG BAD WOLF: Sure, and I’m Clifford, the Big Red Dog.VIRGINIA WOLF: So why did you bring us here?UGLY DUCKLING: We’re trying to find out who destroyed the Three
Little Pigs’ houses today.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And who broke into the Three Bears’ cottage.VIRGINIA WOLF: Well, it couldn’t have been me. I was at Granny’s
House—I mean, House du Gran-nay. It’s an upscale restaurant.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Never heard of it.VIRGINIA WOLF: It’s very exclusive. You’ve got to have reservations.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, I’ve got plenty of reservations. Mostly about
you.UGLY DUCKLING: This House du Gran-nay sounds like a popular place.VIRGINIA WOLF: It should be. Granny makes a terrific breakfast.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, it doesn’t look like I can pin anything on you
two. You can go.BIG BAD WOLF: Did you hear that, sis? We can go! (Leaps to his feet
and cuts ahead of his sister.)VIRGINIA WOLF: Hey, didn’t you ever hear ladies go first?BIG BAD WOLF: Why? Is there a lady around here? (The WOLVES EXIT
LEFT, arguing as they go.)RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, I can’t say that interrogation was a howling
success.UGLY DUCKLING: You don’t really believe those two mugs, do you,
boss?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t know whether to believe them or not. But
I do know one thing. We’ve got to talk to this Granny person.UGLY DUCKLING: Why? Do you think she knows something we don’t
know?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t think she knows something we don’t
know. I know she knows something we don’t know. What I don’t know is what she knows that we don’t know. You know?
UGLY DUCKLING: No. (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Five
Scene SixLIGHTS UP: Granny’s house, a short time later. RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING ENTER RIGHT. The bed is rumpled, as though someone had left in a hurry.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Granny! Oh, Granny!UGLY DUCKLING: Come out, come out, wherever you are!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, it looks like nobody’s here. (There is a
KNOCK.)UGLY DUCKLING: Who is it?LITTLE RED: (From OFF RIGHT.) It’s your granddaughter, Little Red
Riding Hood!UGLY DUCKLING: Did you hear that, boss? I’ve got a granddaughter!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: She doesn’t mean you. She thinks she’s talking
to Granny. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Climb into that bed and pretend to be Granny.
UGLY DUCKLING: What? Why?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Because we’ve got to find out what this dame
knows.LITTLE RED: (From OFF RIGHT.) Is something wrong, Grandmother?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (In a grandmotherly voice.) No, dear! Nothing’s
wrong! (To UGLY DUCKLING.) Come on! Get into bed!UGLY DUCKLING: Why do I have to be Granny? Why can’t you do it?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look at me. Little Red would never believe a guy
with a beard is her grandmother.UGLY DUCKLING: But she’d believe a giant duck?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I thought you were a swan.UGLY DUCKLING: Yeah, that’s what I meant. (There is another KNOCK.)LITTLE RED: (From OFF RIGHT.) Grandmother? What’s going on?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hurry up! Get in! (Reluctantly, UGLY DUCKLING
climbs into the bed. RUMPELSTILTSKIN tosses a blanket over her.) Okay! You can come in now! (Dives behind the bed to hide.)
LITTLE RED: (ENTERS RIGHT, traipsing in with her little basket.) Hello, Grandmother!
UGLY DUCKLING: (In her normal duck voice.) Hello, dear! I mean— (In an old lady’s voice.) Hello, dear!
LITTLE RED: Oh, Grandmother! What big eyes you have!UGLY DUCKLING: It’s these new contacts. I can’t do a thing with them.LITTLE RED: And what a big mouth you have!UGLY DUCKLING: I wouldn’t talk if I were you.LITTLE RED: And what big feet you have!UGLY DUCKLING: Okay, now you’re hitting below the belt. (Growing
suspicious, LITTLE RED yanks the blanket off UGLY DUCKLING.)LITTLE RED: Hey, wait a minute. You’re not my grandmother. You’re
a duck! (GOLDILOCKS, the THREE LITTLE PIGS, the THREE BEARS,
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the GINGERBREAD MAN, and the two WOLVES poke their heads ON from OFFSTAGE.)
ALL: She’s a swan! (They disappear just as quickly.)LITTLE RED: What did you do with Grandmother?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We didn’t do anything with her.LITTLE RED: If you don’t tell me where Grandmother is, I’m going to
hold my breath until I turn blue.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Blue is so overdone. Don’t you have any other
colors? (LITTLE RED holds her breath.)UGLY DUCKLING: She’s really doing it.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Don’t worry. She’s got to breathe some time.
Little Red? Little Red?LITTLE RED: (Lets out her breath.) Am I blue yet?UGLY DUCKLING: No, more like a pale chartreuse.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look, kid. We’re private detectives. We want to
find Granny just as much as you do.LITTLE RED: You mean you haven’t seen her?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.LITTLE RED: But I don’t understand. Grandmother promised she’d be
here. Why would she leave?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Maybe some animal ate her.LITTLE RED: Oh, dear!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, I’m thinking more like a wolf.UGLY DUCKLING: This is bad, boss. First, the Three Bears get
burglarized, then the Three Little Pigs lose their homes, now Granny is gone. When is this all going to end?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: In the second act, I assume.UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, what have you got in your basket?LITTLE RED: Some delicious cakes and cookies. I brought them for
Grandmother.UGLY DUCKLING: Can we take a look at them?LITTLE RED: Why? Do you need them for evidence?UGLY DUCKLING: No, we need them for lunch.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We’re starving! (He and UGLY DUCKLING attack
the basket.)LITTLE RED: Hey! (While RUMPELSTILTSKIN stuffs his face with cookies,
UGLY DUCKLING pulls a glass slipper out of the basket and bites down hard.)
UGLY DUCKLING: Ow! What are you trying to do? Break my beak?
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s all right. Just send her the bill.LITTLE RED: I don’t understand. What is that glass slipper doing in
there?UGLY DUCKLING: You mean, the shoe isn’t yours?LITTLE RED: No. Why would I keep a shoe in my picnic basket?UGLY DUCKLING: I don’t know. Maybe you wanted some sole food.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To AUDIENCE.) Sorry, folks. That’s as bad as they
get.LITTLE RED: We have to return this slipper to its rightful owner.UGLY DUCKLING: But we don’t know who it belongs to.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Tell me, kid, did the basket ever leave your
possession today?LITTLE RED: No. I’ve had it in my hand ever since— Wait a minute.
Now I remember. I set it down when I stopped to buckle my shoe.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Where was that?LITTLE RED: At this little house in the woods. You know, the one
where Snow White lives with the Seven Dwarves?UGLY DUCKLING: I believe the term is altitudinally challenged.LITTLE RED: But I only stopped for a second. How could the shoe
have gotten in there?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t know, but I think we’d better pay a visit to
these dwarves. Do you mind if we take your basket?LITTLE RED: Not if you don’t mind carrying it.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, I’m not going to carry it. I’m going to let the
goose carry it. (Drops the glass slipper into the basket and hands the whole thing to UGLY DUCKLING.)
UGLY DUCKLING: I already told you! I’m a swan! S-W-A-N, swan!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Duck, goose, swan. Whatever you call yourself, it
amounts to the same thing.UGLY DUCKLING: What’s that?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’re pretty fowl.UGLY DUCKLING: Well, at least I’m not a turkey. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Six
Scene SevenLIGHTS UP: Another clearing, still mid-afternoon. DROWSY is lying on the ground, asleep. SNOW WHITE is sprawled DOWN CENTER, a half-eaten apple in her hand. A coil of rope is nearby. CLUMSY ENTERS LEFT, carrying a bundle of sticks. Tripping over SNOW WHITE, he drops the sticks.
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CLUMSY: Ow! Ow ow ow ow! (BOSSY and GLOOMY ENTER RIGHT.)BOSSY: What’s the matter with you, Clumsy?CLUMSY: I hurt my toe, Bossy. I must have tripped over something.BOSSY: You didn’t trip over something. You tripped over someone.GLOOMY: Yeah, Snow White.CLUMSY: (Goes over to wake SNOW WHITE.) Snow White! It’s time to
wake up now! Oh, Snow White! (SNOW WHITE remains still.) That’s weird. She won’t wake up.
GLOOMY: Maybe she’s not asleep. Maybe she’s dead. (PERKY, NERDY and HUNGRY ENTER LEFT. HUNGRY is eating a slice of pizza.)
PERKY: What’s going on, Gloomy?GLOOMY: Clumsy killed Snow White.CLUMSY: Don’t be ridiculous. We don’t even know if she’s dead.NERDY: She does look kind of pale.CLUMSY: She’s supposed to look pale, Nerdy. Her name is Snow
White, remember?HUNGRY: If she’s asleep, why isn’t she snoring?CLUMSY: Not everyone snores when they sleep, Hungry.NERDY: Clumsy seems unusually agitated today.GLOOMY: That’s very common among murderers.CLUMSY: I’m not a murderer! (DROWSY snores loudly.) There, do you
hear that? She’s snoring. She must be asleep.PERKY: I don’t think that’s coming from Snow White.HUNGRY: You’re right, Perky. It’s coming from Drowsy.BOSSY: Hey, Drowsy! Wake up!DROWSY: (Wakes up.) Is it Tuesday yet?BOSSY: No, it’s Thursday. You slept right through Tuesday and
Wednesday.DROWSY: Well, wake me up when it’s Tuesday again. I’m supposed to
see a doctor about my insomnia. (Goes back to sleep.)NERDY: You know, if Snow White were asleep, you’d think she’d yawn
or roll over or something.HUNGRY: That’s true. I haven’t seen her move once since we got here.CLUMSY: (Points OFF RIGHT.) Hey, look at that bird!BOSSY: What bird? (While the DWARVES turn and look, CLUMSY nudges
SNOW WHITE’S arm with his foot.)CLUMSY: There! Did you see that? She moved!PERKY: What?NERDY: I didn’t see anything.
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CLUMSY: Sure. First her arm was here. Now it’s over there.GLOOMY: Well, she’s not moving now.BOSSY: I think you moved her yourself.CLUMSY: All right, fine. Maybe I did move her, but I didn’t kill her.
Don’t you remember, Snow White said her evil stepmother was trying to get rid of her?
PERKY: That’s exactly what a murderer would say!BOSSY: Let’s get him! (With a hearty shout, the DWARVES pounce on
CLUMSY. PERKY grabs a rope from just OFFSTAGE and they use it to tie up CLUMSY. RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING, carrying the basket, ENTER RIGHT.)
UGLY DUCKLING: (Stops to open a map.) I think this map is broken.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, really? Why?UGLY DUCKLING: It says Snow White’s house is right here.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hold on. I’ll ask these guys. (To the DWARVES.)
Excuse me, do you know where Snow White lives? (The DWARVES continue their noisy brawl.)
UGLY DUCKLING: I don’t think they can hear us.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Louder.) I said, do you know where Snow White
lives?UGLY DUCKLING: Let me try, boss. (Blasts her duck call. Startled, the
DWARVES immediately stop fighting. As they move apart, we see CLUMSY has been tied up with the rope.)
CLUMSY: Help.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hi. I’m looking for Snow White.BOSSY: Oh, yeah? What’s your name?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That depends. How much time do you got?UGLY DUCKLING: (Points at SNOW WHITE.) Hey! There she is!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Goes over to check SNOW WHITE’S pulse.) I’m
sorry to break this to you, but Snow White is dead.PERKY: We know she’s dead!GLOOMY: Clumsy killed her.CLUMSY: I did not!UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, boss! That’s the fourth crime today!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How did she croak?NERDY: Clumsy here willfully and maliciously tripped over her.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And?NERDY: What do you mean “and”? And just that. She died.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, getting tripped over is not a leading cause of death.
HUNGRY: Then what did kill her?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s what we’ve got to find out.UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, boss! Look! There’s an apple in her hand!
(Grabs the half-eaten apple.) And somebody took a bite out of it!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Did Snow White eat this apple?BOSSY: We don’t know. None of us were here when she died.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So you accused a poor innocent dwarf of
murdering her?PERKY: It seemed more efficient that way.UGLY DUCKLING: I’ll bet it was this apple that killed her.HUNGRY: I thought apples were supposed to be good for you.UGLY DUCKLING: Not if they’re poisoned, they’re not. (The DWARVES
gasp. During this next part, BABY BEAR ENTERS RIGHT behind RUMPELSTILTSKIN so the detective can’t see him. BABY BEAR sneaks the apple out of RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S hand and polishes it.)
BOSSY: Poison? What kind of poison?GLOOMY: Arsenic?NERDY: Cyanide?PERKY: A double caramel macchiato?UGLY DUCKLING: I don’t know. We’ve got to take the apple back to
the lab.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Good idea. While we’re testing for poison, we can
check for fingerprints too. Hey, where’d the apple go? (Turns to see BABY BEAR getting ready to bite down on the apple.) Stop! Don’t eat that! (Grabs the apple away from BABY BEAR.)
BABY BEAR: (Throws a fit.) I want apple! I want apple!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Studies the apple.) Oh, great. Now the fingerprints
are gone.NERDY: Hey, I just remembered something.HUNGRY: What’s that, Nerdy?NERDY: I know how to bring Snow White back.BOSSY: Are you kidding?NERDY: No, no. I saw it in a movie once. A beautiful yet pasty-skinned
princess fell dead after eating a poisoned apple, only to come back to life after receiving a kiss.
PERKY: Ewww! We have to kiss her?NERDY: Not us, Perky. It has to be somebody she’s crazy about.
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GLOOMY: That’s great, but how are we going to get Justin Bieber (or the latest pop idol) on such short notice?
BOSSY: Forget Justin Bieber. We’ve got to get Prince Charming.UGLY DUCKLING: Didn’t you hear? Prince Charming gave up his crown
to paint landscapes.HUNGRY: You mean...UGLY DUCKLING: He’s now the artist formerly known as Prince.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To AUDIENCE.) Sorry, folks. I was wrong. That’s
as bad as they get.BOSSY: Is anybody else available?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We could call Dial-A-Prince.UGLY DUCKLING: I’m on it, boss! (Dials her cell phone.) Hello, Dial-
A-Prince? This is Ugly Duckling. I’ve got a dead princess on my hands, and I need a prince pronto. (Pause.) $500? That’s pretty steep. (Pause.) Yes, I realize that includes delivery, but can’t he just blow her a kiss from there? (Pause.) No? All right. Send him over. (Hangs up.) They said he’ll be here in—
PRINCE PRONTO: (ENTERS LEFT in a flying leap.) Ta-da!PERKY: Wow! That was fast!PRINCE PRONTO: Of course, I’m fast. I’m Prince Pronto, just like you
ordered.NERDY: I’m sure you’re a nice prince and everything, but what if Snow
White isn’t crazy about you?PRINCE PRONTO: Don’t be ridiculous. No princess can resist my
manly charms.CLUMSY: Oh, brother.BOSSY: Well, go ahead. Kiss her.PRINCE PRONTO: All right, everybody. Stand back. My sheer
awesomeness has been known to stun people. (Kneels down with a grand gesture and kisses SNOW WHITE. No reaction.)
PERKY: Maybe you should kiss her again.PRINCE PRONTO: Hold on. I’m just getting warmed up. (Plants another
kiss on SNOW WHITE. Still no reaction.)GLOOMY: Did he say “awesomeness” or “awfulness”?PRINCE PRONTO: Do my lips look okay to you?BOSSY: They look like lips to me.PRINCE PRONTO: Wow. Then she must be really, really dead.HUNGRY: Step aside. I’ll give her a kiss.NERDY: You’re going to kiss the princess?PERKY: But all you think about is food!
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HUNGRY: That’s why the kiss I’m going to give her is one you can eat. (Pulls a Hershey’s Kiss out of his pocket and puts it in SNOW WHITE’S hand.)
SNOW WHITE: (Sits bolt upright.) Ooo! A Hershey’s Kiss! I’m just crazy about these things! (Gobbles the candy.)
PERKY: She’s alive!BOSSY: You saved her!SNOW WHITE: What happened? Where am I?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’d say you’re in a pickle.SNOW WHITE: That must be why everyone looks so sour.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t mean a “pickle” pickle. I mean you’re in
mortal danger. Somebody tried to bump you off.SNOW WHITE: Oh, heavens!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, I’m thinking somebody here on earth.UGLY DUCKLING: Where did you get this apple?SNOW WHITE: I got it from an old apple peddler.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What did this peddler look like?SNOW WHITE: Well, she had long stringy hair and a long pointed
nose, and she was really tall. About as tall as that bear over there.UGLY DUCKLING: Didn’t that strike you as unusual?SNOW WHITE: I’m talking to a gnome wearing a fedora and a giant
duck, and you think a six-foot-tall woman is unusual?UGLY DUCKLING: Good point.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So where did you get the glass slipper?SNOW WHITE: Glass slipper? What glass slipper?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: This glass slipper! (Pulls a cookie out of the
basket and holds it high.) Wait. That’s not it. (Digs through the basket.) This glass slipper! (Pulls the slipper out of the basket and holds it high. EVERYONE gasps.)
BABY BEAR: (Grabs for the shoe.) I want slipper! I want slipper!SNOW WHITE: Where did you find that?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Never mind where we found it. Where did you
find it?SNOW WHITE: Me?BABY BEAR: I want slipper!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Would you stop? It’s not yours.UGLY DUCKLING: And besides, it would clash with your diaper.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Come on, Miss White. We know you had the
slipper in your possession. Why did you steal it?
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SNOW WHITE: I didn’t steal it, I swear.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Then how did you get it?UGLY DUCKLING: Come on, sister. Talk.SNOW WHITE: Fine. If you really must know, it all started with my
stepmother, the queen. She has this magic mirror, see—RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A magic mirror?UGLY DUCKLING: What does it do, take ten years off your age?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey, that would be great. It would make Baby
Bear disappear completely.SNOW WHITE: No, no. The mirror talks to her—you know, like, gives
her beauty tips and stuff? Though why she’d take advice from a mirror is beyond me—
UGLY DUCKLING: That certainly reflects badly on her.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How does the glass slipper figure into all this?SNOW WHITE: I’m getting to that.UGLY DUCKLING: Can you get to it a little quicker? I’m beginning to
molt.SNOW WHITE: Well, this morning, the queen asked the magic mirror
who in the kingdom was fairest of all. I don’t want to brag or anything, but of course the mirror said it was me. Well, that sent the queen right off the deep end. She called for her huntsman and ordered him to cut out one of my internal organs.
UGLY DUCKLING: That’s a rather heartless thing to do.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What happened after that?SNOW WHITE: I got out of there as fast as I could. I ran out of the
castle and across the bridge and into the woods. That’s when I found this horribly messy place.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: The Seven Dwarves’ house?SNOW WHITE: No, these woods. I mean, who scattered all these
rocks and twigs everywhere?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, this is getting to be a really long story.UGLY DUCKLING: It’s feeling pretty Grimm.SNOW WHITE: I stopped for a moment to catch my breath. And then,
through the trees, I saw a cozy little cottage.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That must have been the Seven Dwarves’ house.SNOW WHITE: No, that was the first house I came to.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: The first house?UGLY DUCKLING: Who lived there?SNOW WHITE: I don’t know, but the place was a disaster. There were
broken chairs and half-eaten bowls of porridge and—
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What about the glass slipper?SNOW WHITE: What glass slipper?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: The glass slipper you’re supposed to be telling
us about!SNOW WHITE: Oh, that glass slipper. I found it upstairs, in a toy box.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s odd.UGLY DUCKLING: Did they think it was a toy?SNOW WHITE: I don’t know, but I knew the slipper belonged to
Cinderella. She wore it to the ball just last week.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Cinderella? Isn’t that the girl who rides around
in a pumpkin?UGLY DUCKLING: Yeah. I think she’s out of her gourd.SNOW WHITE: Just then I heard the owners coming home, so I
grabbed the slipper and ran out the back door. That’s when I found the Seven Dwarves’ house.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Wait a minute. Where does the apple peddler come in?
SNOW WHITE: Oh, she stopped by this afternoon. She asked if anyone had seen a glass slipper. I was afraid she was going to steal the one I found, so I dropped it out the window.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And right into Little Red’s basket.SNOW WHITE: So that’s why I couldn’t find it again. I thought I’d lost
my mind.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So then what happened?SNOW WHITE: Well, when the old woman realized I wasn’t going to let
her inside, she pretended it was all a big misunderstanding and gave me an apple as a gift.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Some gift.SNOW WHITE: I know. One bite and it was instant la-la land.UGLY DUCKLING: There’s one thing I don’t understand. If the slipper
originally belonged to Cinderella, who stole it from her?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s the $64,000 question.UGLY DUCKLING: Can you make it a $20 question? I’m a little short
this week.GLOOMY: That’s all right. We’re a little “short” every week.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Moves DOWNSTAGE. To AUDIENCE.) I’ve had tough
cases before, but nothing like this. I was beginning to suspect everybody, and that included myself. But one thing was clear. Very, very clear. Unfortunately, that thing was the glass slipper.
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UGLY DUCKLING: (Gives the slipper a quick polish.) Just look at that shine! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Seven
Scene EightLIGHTS UP: Cinderella’s house, late afternoon. Leaning on a broom, CINDERELLA speaks animatedly with FAIRY GODMOTHER.FAIRY GODMOTHER: All right, Cindy. Let’s run through this one more
time. What happened to your other shoe?CINDERELLA: I don’t know, Fairy Godmother. I did just like you told
me. When the clock struck twelve, I ran out of the palace, making sure to kick the slipper off my foot.
FAIRY GODMOTHER: Did you see the prince take it?CINDERELLA: My foot?FAIRY GODMOTHER: No, the slipper!CINDERELLA: What would the prince want with a girl’s slipper?FAIRY GODMOTHER: He doesn’t want the slipper! He wants you!CINDERELLA: Well, he certainly has a funny way of showing it.FAIRY GODMOTHER: Remember our plan, Cinderella? Step one, you
go to the ball. Step two, you dance with the prince until he falls in love with you. Step three, you hightail it out of there, leaving your slipper behind so the prince can find you again.
CINDERELLA: How is he supposed to do that?FAIRY GODMOTHER: By placing the slipper on the foot of every
maiden in the kingdom.CINDERELLA: Ewwww.FAIRY GODMOTHER: What’s the matter?CINDERELLA: That’s not very sanitary. Some of those maidens might
have atheist’s foot.FAIRY GODMOTHER: I think you mean athlete’s foot.CINDERELLA: That too?MINERVA: (From OFF RIGHT.) Cinderella!HORTENSE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Where have you gotten to?PENELOPE: (From OFF RIGHT.) We’ve been looking for you everywhere!CINDERELLA: (To FAIRY GODMOTHER.) Go away! You can’t let them
see you!FAIRY GODMOTHER: Hold on. I’ll use one of my magic spells. (Waves
her wand over herself.) Allakazeeza pollakazooza zippity zoppity zap! (Looks around. To her dismay, she hasn’t disappeared.) Oh, to heck with it. (EXITS LEFT the old-fashioned way.)
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CINDERELLA: (Sweeps frantically, as if she’s been working this whole time. To herself.) Forget the fancy ball gown. Why doesn’t she change this broom into a vacuum cleaner? (MINERVA, HORTENSE and PENELOPE ENTER RIGHT.)
MINERVA: Cinderella!HORTENSE: Who were you talking to?CINDERELLA: Talking?PENELOPE: Yes, we thought we heard voices.CINDERELLA: Oh, you must have heard the TV. I was watching my
soap operas.MINERVA: Well, you’d better hurry up with your sweeping.HORTENSE: We’re expecting a very important visitor.CINDERELLA: Oh? Who?PENELOPE: Well, we don’t want to say, but he’s very tall and dark.HORTENSE: With great big muscles.PENELOPE: And hair all over his chest.CINDERELLA: Let me guess. King Kong?PENELOPE: No, silly. The prince.MINERVA: I invited him to lunch with two of the most beautiful women
in the entire kingdom.CINDERELLA: Oh? Who else will be eating with us?HORTENSE: She’s talking about us, Cinderella!PENELOPE: For someone who’s supposed to be smart, you sure
aren’t very... um, what’s the word?CINDERELLA: Smart?PENELOPE: Yeah. That’s it. (There is a KNOCK.)MINERVA: Ooo! That must be the prince now!HORTENSE: Open the door, Cinderella!PENELOPE: We don’t want him to get away! (CINDERELLA EXITS LEFT.
She RE-ENTERS LEFT with RUMPELSTILTSKIN, UGLY DUCKLING and BABY BEAR. UGLY DUCKLING is carrying the glass slipper on a pillow. MINERVA shoves her clueless STEPDAUGHTERS into a kneeling position before RUMPELSTILTSKIN, then joins them on the floor.)
MINERVA: Your Majesty!HORTENSE: Your Highness!PENELOPE: Your Princiness!CINDERELLA: Um, that’s not the prince.PENELOPE: What are you talking about?
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CINDERELLA: Why, look at him. The only thing he has in common with the prince is that they’re both male.
PENELOPE: Close enough. (Leaping to their feet, PENELOPE and HORTENSE throw themselves on RUMPELSTILTSKIN.) Marry me!
HORTENSE: No, marry me!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look, you crazy dames. I didn’t come here to
marry you. I came here to find the owner of this slipper.HORTENSE: It’s mine! (Grabs the slipper.)PENELOPE: No, it’s not! It’s mine! (Pounces on HORTENSE. With
MINERVA egging them on, the two STEPSISTERS wrestle over the shoe. Seeing a chance to escape, CINDERELLA begins to EXIT RIGHT.)
UGLY DUCKLING: You know, I don’t believe either one of those dames is Cinderella.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, but I bet I know who is. (Blocks CINDERELLA’S EXIT.) Not so fast, Cinderella.
CINDERELLA: My name isn’t Cinderella. It’s—it’s—Rumpelstiltskin!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Explodes in a rage, stomping the ground like in
the original fairy tale.) Arrrrrgh! You can’t say my name like that!CINDERELLA: Why? Because it cancels your bargain with the miller’s
daughter?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No! Because I can’t even say my name!UGLY DUCKLING: Let’s just cut to the chase. He’s Detective One, I’m
Detective Two, and we want to ask you a few questions about the slipper.
CINDERELLA: I don’t know anything about it, Miss Two.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh? Then I’m sure you won’t mind trying it on.CINDERELLA: What? Oh, well, sure. I’ll try it on. But I can tell you right
now it won’t fit.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To UGLY DUCKLING.) Get the shoe. (While
CINDERELLA plops into a chair, UGLY DUCKLING goes over to the STEPSISTERS, still fighting over the shoe.)
UGLY DUCKLING: Excuse me. (Snatches the slipper from the STEPSISTERS. MINERVA grabs HORTENSE and PENELOPE and leads them OFF RIGHT, brawling the entire way. Kneeling before CINDERELLA, UGLY DUCKLING tries to slip the shoe onto her foot.) She’s right. It doesn’t fit.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, it might help if you took off the shoe she’s got on.
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UGLY DUCKLING: Oh. (Removes CINDERELLA’S shoe and tries again to put the glass slipper on her foot. It still won’t go on.) Stop scrunching up your foot!
CINDERELLA: I told you, it doesn’t fit!UGLY DUCKLING: Well, if you wouldn’t scrunch so much, it might! (The
two struggle against each other, UGLY DUCKLING trying to jam the shoe onto her foot, CINDERELLA trying to keep it off. At last, UGLY DUCKLING succeeds.) It fits!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Aha! So you are Cinderella!CINDERELLA: Keep it down! My stepmother would kill me if she knew
I’d gone to the ball.UGLY DUCKLING: What’s a poor servant girl like you doing at a fancy
shindig like that?CINDERELLA: It was my fairy godmother’s idea. She thought if she
turned my ratty old dress into a beautiful ball gown, I could make the prince fall in love with me. The only thing is I had to be out of there by midnight.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Why? Because of your curfew?CINDERELLA: No, because my coach would turn into a pumpkin.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, that’s your problem right there. You should
never go coach. Always fly first-class. When did you first notice your slipper was missing?
CINDERELLA: When I was running down the steps of the palace. I didn’t have time to go back for it, so I ran the rest of the way home. The prince was supposed to bring me the slipper so we could get married and live happily ever after, but he hasn’t shown up yet.
UGLY DUCKLING: I’m no Dr. Phil, but I don’t believe footwear is a sound basis for a long-term relationship.
CINDERELLA: Tell that to my fairy godmother.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Did you ever find out what happened to your
shoe?CINDERELLA: No, but the day after the ball, someone sent me this note.
(Takes a note from her apron and hands it to RUMPELSTILTSKIN.)RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Reads.) “Place 500 gold coins inside the hollow
tree next to the bridge, or your stepmother will find out where you were last night.”
CINDERELLA: What does it mean, Mr. One?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It can mean only one thing. Blackmail.CINDERELLA: No, I’m pretty sure the envelope was white.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Did you pay the ransom?CINDERELLA: Oh, no. I don’t have that kind of money.
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What kind of money do you have?CINDERELLA: Some Starbucks gift cards.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A latte?CINDERELLA: No, just two or three.UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, boss! Blackmail makes five crimes in one week!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I know. Things are starting to look pretty dark
around here. (BLACKOUT.) I didn’t mean it like that! (During this next part, BABY BEAR takes advantage of the dark to steal CINDERELLA’S slipper right off her foot.)
BABY BEAR: Mama! Mama!CINDERELLA: What happened?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Somebody must have turned out the lights.UGLY DUCKLING: Either that or school budget cuts are worse than we
thought. (Hiding the slipper behind his back, BABY BEAR returns to his place. LIGHTS UP.)
CINDERELLA: That’s better.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Is everybody okay?CINDERELLA: I’m fine.BABY BEAR: Baby Bear fine too.CINDERELLA: Hey, wait a minute. I’m not fine at all. My slipper is
gone!RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Again?UGLY DUCKLING: That’s the slipperiest slipper I ever saw.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Are you sure it didn’t fall off your foot?CINDERELLA: Yes, I’m sure. I don’t see it anywhere.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Then it must have been stolen.CINDERELLA: But who stole it?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don’t know. I just wish there was somebody who
could help us.FAIRY GODFATHER: (As if by magic, he APPEARS.) You called?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’ve got to learn to keep my big mouth shut.CINDERELLA: Who are you?FAIRY GODFATHER: Who do you think? I’m your fairy godfather.CINDERELLA: What happened to my fairy godmother?FAIRY GODFATHER: Let’s just say I made her an offer she couldn’t
refuse.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’m glad you’re here. We need your help.FAIRY GODFATHER: You want somebody bumped off? I could give
them a pair of cement overshoes.
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CINDERELLA: Sounds uncomfortable.FAIRY GODFATHER: Believe me, you don’t wear them for comfort.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look, I don’t want anybody bumped off. I just
want to know who stole Cinderella’s slipper.FAIRY GODFATHER: Why don’t you hire a detective?RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I am a detective!FAIRY GODFATHER: Then it looks like you’re out of luck.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Can’t you at least give us some advice?FAIRY GODFATHER: Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my line
of business, it’s this— Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We ask for advice, and you give us a fortune cookie?
FAIRY GODFATHER: So I like Chinese food. So sue me.UGLY DUCKLING: Actually, that’s great advice. I just figured out who
stole the slipper. And committed all the other crimes.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You did? Who?UGLY DUCKLING: I can’t say yet. But tell everybody to meet at the
Three Bears’ cottage.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Why? Because you need to gather more evidence?UGLY DUCKLING: No, because this play is supposed to be 60 minutes
long. We’ve got another ten minutes to kill. (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Eight
Scene NineLIGHTS UP: Baby Bear’s room, early evening. RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING stand by a large toy box where GRANNY is hiding. The rest of the CHARACTERS crowd around them, chattering excitedly. ALL except DROWSY, that is. He’s catching a snooze in the corner.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Quiet, everybody! I said quiet!UGLY DUCKLING: Let me take care of it, boss. (Blows her duck call.
The CROWD falls silent.)RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’ve got to get me one of those things.UGLY DUCKLING: What, do you think they hand these out to just
anybody? (To the CROWD.) So you’re probably wondering why I called you all here.
MINERVA: No.BIG BAD WOLF: We know exactly why we’re here.MAMA BEAR: You’re going to tell us who broke into our home.WORRIED PIG: And blew down our houses.
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LITTLE RED: And kidnapped Granny.CINDERELLA: And sent me the blackmail note.SNOW WHITE: And gave me a poisoned apple.NERDY: But we know who gave Snow White the poisoned apple. It was
the apple peddler.UGLY DUCKLING: Maybe yes. Maybe no.PERKY: Could you try to narrow it down a little?UGLY DUCKLING: I’m going to do better than that. I’m going to show
you. (Digs through BABY BEAR’S toy box.)BABY BEAR: My toys! My toys! (Charges UGLY DUCKLING. The
DWARVES jump in to stop him.)UGLY DUCKLING: Thanks. For a second there, I thought I was a dead
duck.VIRGINIA WOLF: I thought you weren’t a duck.UGLY DUCKLING: It’s a saying, all right? It’s just a saying!PRINCE PRONTO: Baby Bear sure is possessive of his toys.UGLY DUCKLING: Not just his toys.PENELOPE: What do you mean? (UGLY DUCKLING reaches into the toy
box and pulls out a wolf costume.)HORTENSE: What is that?SMART PIG: It looks like a wolf.NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Oh, no! You killed it!UGLY DUCKLING: I didn’t kill anybody. It’s just a costume. (Reaches
into the toy box again and pulls out a peasant dress and an old woman’s wig.)
SNOW WHITE: The apple peddler!NOT-SO-SMART PIG: Oh, no! You killed her!UGLY DUCKLING: Also a costume.GRANNY: (Leaps out of the toy box, making karate chops at the air.)
Hi-ya!LITTLE RED: Grandmother! You’re all right!GRANNY: Of course, I’m all right. They don’t call me Grappling Granny
for nothing. (UGLY DUCKLING pulls the glass slipper out of the toy box.)
SNOW WHITE: The glass slipper!CINDERELLA: How did that get there?UGLY DUCKLING: Baby Bear stole it from you when the lights went
out.BIG BAD WOLF: So it was Baby Bear who committed all the crimes?
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UGLY DUCKLING: Yes.HUNGRY: But how?UGLY DUCKLING: It all started at the ball. When Cinderella ran out
of the palace, she kicked off her glass slipper, hoping the prince would find it. But somebody else found it instead.
CINDERELLA: Baby Bear!UGLY DUCKLING: Exactly. Seeing an opportunity to blackmail you, he
took it home and hid it in his toy box. Then he sent you a note, threatening to tell your stepmother where you’d been if you didn’t give him 500 gold pieces. His plan would have worked except for one thing. He never expected Snow White to sneak into the house and take it.
PAPA BEAR: But Snow White’s hair is black. The hair in the porridge was gold.
SNOW WHITE: Oh, that wasn’t a hair. That was a thread from my dress. I really wanted to wear my teal gown that day, but I left in such a hurry I didn’t have a chance to—
BOSSY: (Claps his hand over her mouth.) Just. Be. Quiet.UGLY DUCKLING: When Baby Bear realized the slipper was gone, he
decided to search for the thief himself. His first suspect? A tough-talking blonde who’d been caught breaking into his home before.
ALL: (An accusation.) Goldilocks!GOLDILOCKS: It was one time!UGLY DUCKLING: Baby Bear forced his way into Goldilocks’s house,
but the slipper wasn’t there. That’s when he realized it was going to be a long search. Worried that the others would find out what he was up to, Baby Bear decided to start wearing a disguise.
SMART PIG: So he was the one in the wolf costume!UGLY DUCKLING: Yes. He thought the three of you might have stolen
the glass slipper, so he blew down your houses, hoping to find the shoe in the rubble.
WORRIED PIG: And I’d just shampooed the carpets!UGLY DUCKLING: Still disguised as a wolf, Baby Bear went to visit
Granny. Not only did she not have the slipper, but she fought back. When Baby Bear finally managed to subdue her, he took her home and locked her in his toy box.
GRANNY: That was my fault. I gave him a hi-yo instead of a hi-ya!UGLY DUCKLING: After that, Baby Bear stopped at the Seven Dwarves’
house, this time disguised as an old apple seller. Discovering that Snow White had the slipper, he tried to take it from her, but Snow White locked the door on him.
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GLOOMY: So that’s why he poisoned her.CLUMSY: He wanted to steal the slipper.UGLY DUCKLING: Yes. But when he got inside, the slipper was gone.
Snow White had already dropped it out the window and into Little Red’s basket.
LITTLE RED: (To SNOW WHITE.) Have you ever considered playing for the New York Knicks (or the nearest professional basketball team)?
UGLY DUCKLING: After Baby Bear got home, he learned that Mama Bear had hired old Rumpy and me to investigate the burglary. Baby Bear decided to tag along so he could destroy any evidence we found.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So that’s why he messed up the footprints.UGLY DUCKLING: Right. They were his own footprints from earlier
today.NERDY: And that’s why he polished the poisoned apple.UGLY DUCKLING: Right again. He wanted to remove his own
fingerprints from when he poisoned it.WORRIED PIG: But why did he chase after the Gingerbread Man?UGLY DUCKLING: Oh, that? He was just getting hungry.BOSSY: That’s some top-notch detective work, Whatever-Your-Name-
Is. The pieces all fit together now.MAMA BEAR: Oh, Baby Bear, how could you do this to us?BABY BEAR: (For the first time using his “grown-up” voice.) Very easily,
actually. And stop calling me Baby Bear. I’m 42 years old!FAIRY GODFATHER: Well, that explains a lot.UGLY DUCKLING: Take him away. (BABY BEAR EXITS RIGHT, escorted
by the DWARVES.)RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Walks DOWNSTAGE to address the AUDIENCE
one last time.) Well, I’ve got to hand it to the duck. She might be annoying, she might be irritating, she might be the most obnoxious sidekick ever—
UGLY DUCKLING: Moving along...RUMPELSTILTSKIN: But she turned out to be a pretty good detective.
(Places his fedora on UGLY DUCKLING’S head.)UGLY DUCKLING: Well, you could knock me over with a feather.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What was that?UGLY DUCKLING: I said, you could knock me over with a feather.RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Plucks one of UGLY DUCKLING’S feathers, then
changes his mind. To AUDIENCE.) Nah. That would be too easy.
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CINDERELLA: (Pulls UGLY DUCKLING aside.) Can I talk to you privately, Miss Two?
UGLY DUCKLING: Of course. What is it?CINDERELLA: You know how my fairy godmother turned my everyday
items into fancy things for the ball?UGLY DUCKLING: Yes.CINDERELLA: She turned my shoes into glass slippers. She turned
my ratty old dress into a ball gown. She turned a pumpkin into a coach and mice into horses.
UGLY DUCKLING: Right.CINDERELLA: Well, when the clock struck midnight, everything went
back to the way it was. My ball gown became a ratty old dress, the coach became a pumpkin and the horses went back to being mice.
UGLY DUCKLING: So?CINDERELLA: So why didn’t the glass slipper turn back into my old
shoe?UGLY DUCKLING: (Stunned for a moment, then looks around, making
sure no one is listening.) Cinderella?CINDERELLA: Yes?UGLY DUCKLING: Don’t ever mention that again. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Play
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PRODUCTIONS NOTES
PROPERTIES ONSTAGEScene One: Rumpelstiltskin’s office set consisting of shabby desk,
two office chairs, magazine.Scene Two: Table, five chairs, newspaper, mess of bowls and cereal
boxes, golf club, blanket.Scene Four: Large cut-out rock with wheels.Scene Five: Rumpelstiltskin’s office set. Flashlight.Scene Six: Bed with blankets and pillow.Scene Eight: Chair, optional fireplace.Scene Nine: Toy box with wolf costume, peasant dress, old woman’s
wig, glass slipper; optional oversized crib.
PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene Three:
Large sack (GINGERBREAD MAN)Scene Four:
Magnifying glass (UGLY DUCKLING)Camera (RUMPELSTILTSKIN)
Scene Five:Sunglasses (BIG BAD WOLF)
Scene Six:Basket with cookies and glass slipper (LITTLE RED)
Scene Seven:Half-eaten apple (SNOW WHITE)Bundle of sticks (CLUMSY)Slice of pizza, Hershey’s Kiss (HUNGRY)Rope (PERKY)Map, cell phone, basket with cookies and glass slipper (UGLY
DUCKLING)Scene Eight:
Broom, note (CINDERELLA)Wand (FAIRY GODMOTHER)Glass slipper on pillow (UGLY DUCKLING)
SOUND EFFECTSGiant footsteps, wind (optional, for Baby Bear’s sneezes).
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SPECIAL EFFECTSIn Scene Three, GOLDILOCKS wears a red wig, which is attached to thin black string or fishing line that extends offstage. When the sneeze happens, a crew member can pull the string and yank the wig off.
COSTUME SUGGESTIONSThe characters wear traditional fairy-tale costumes, with the following exceptions:RUMPELSTILTSKIN: As a gnome who is a hard-boiled detective, he
sports a long, scraggly beard and wears a fedora with a rumpled suit and tie.
UGLY DUCKLING: She wears a duck call around her neck, in addition to the usual feathers, beak, and large, webbed feet.
BABY BEAR: A giant diaper would be ideal, if you can get the actor to wear one.
GOLDILOCKS: When we first see this sassy dame, she’s wearing an outrageous red wig. But as Baby Bear’s sneeze proves, underneath that wig is curly hair of the finest gold.
FAIRY GODFATHER: This tough guy wouldn’t be caught dead without his pinstriped suit. Oh, and don’t forget fairy wings.
GRANNY: Not your typical grandmother, this martial arts expert can be found wearing a karate robe. And of course the belt is black.
Another option is to dress the characters in 1940s-style clothing to match the film noir milieu of the play.
FLEXIBLE CASTINGThis play is written episodically, which allows for some double casting. For example, the Three Little Pigs, who appear in Scene Four, can double as Dwarves, who appear in Scene Seven. The only scene in which all the characters appear is Scene Nine. If you do use double casting, feel free to reassign the lines in that scene.
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DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMAWords on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you’re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible:
WHy PIOnEER:
Maintain control of your casting. We know you can’t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch
the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire
cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays.
adapt and custoMize.Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.
Be original.Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year.
take advantage of our teaching tools.Pioneer’s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs – one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production.
it’s like having an assistant.Use our Director’s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes – you’ll love our spiral-bound, 8½” x 11” books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes.
videotaping? We’d Be disappointed if you didn’t!With Pioneer, you’ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.