FADAA and FCCMH

Presents

Relationship Detox: Helping Chemically Dependent Clients

Develop Healthy Relationships in Recovery

Presenter

Mark Sanders, LCSW, CADC

www.onthemarkconsulting25.com

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Iceberg Model

Addiction

Co-dependence

Toxic Shame

Abandonment/Trauma

John Freil

Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt Shame Behavior Your being

“I’ve done wrong” “There is something

wrong with me”

“I’ve done bad” “I am bad”

“I made a mistake” “I am a mistake”

“

Shame

The belief that I am unlovable and unworthly

of belonging.

Brene Brown, Ph. D.

Iceberg Model

Addiction

Co-dependence

Toxic Shame

Abandonment/Trauma

John Freil

Co-dependence

An over involvement with things outside of us

and an underinvolvement with things inside

of us. Left untreated codependence can lead

to addiction.

John Friel

Marilyn Monroe

Billie Holiday

Iceberg Model

Addiction

Co-dependence

Toxic Shame

Abandonment/Trauma

John Freil

Addictive Relationship Styles

1. Lots of drama

2. Smothering

1 ∕ 2 + 1 ∕ 2 = 2 ∕ 4 = 1 ∕ 2

Addictive Relationship Styles Continued

4. Extreme jealousy

5. The relationship is based primarily on romantic fantasies rather than reality

6. Lots of arguments and break-ups followed by sex

7. Abuse

8. You abandon relatives and friends whenever you are in a relationship

Addictive Relationship Styles Continued

9. You experience withdrawal symptoms when alone

10.You tend to leave one addictive relationship and enter another

11. You tend to stay in these relationships despite adverse consequences

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

1. Both partners are whole2. Each is growing and encouraging the

other to grow3. Each has a separate life outside of the

relationship4. Each is able to spend time alone5. Minimal jealousy6. No abuse7. Ability to argue in the present8. The relationship is based upon reality not

just romantic fantasies

Adult Children of Alcoholics

• We tend to fear people in authority

• We tend to lie when it’s easier to tell the truth

• We are approval seekers

• We have a tendency toward perfection

Adult Children of Alcoholics Continued

• We are extremely loyal, even when there is evidence that the loyalty is undeserved

• We either marry alcoholics, become one, or choose some other compulsive personality

• We tend to put the needs of others ahead of our own needs

• We are addicted to excitement

• We tend to fear abandonment

The Therapeutic Relationship As A Model For Helping Clients Develop Healthy Relationships In Recovery

The Engagement Phase

• Punctuality

• Joining—small talk

• Making sure the client has a voice

• The use of humor

Counseling Phase

• Experiencing a new way of relatingo Listeningo Inviting solutions from the client

• Modeling healthy boundaries

Types of Boundaries

• Loose – no one is aware of what’s going on with anyone else in the family

• Enmeshed – family members are too involved in each other’s lives

• Healthy, clear – the necessary distinction between the various subsystems are present; members are allowed the 5 freedoms

The goal is to help clients differentiate

Emotional cutoff – Creating distance in relationships by fleeing

A. HomelessnessB. PsychosisC. PrisonD. Drug useE.F. Joining the militaryG. Joining a gang, cult or addictive

relationshipH. Suicide

Helping clients recover from negative core beliefs

Negative Core Beliefs – Stage Two Recovery

1. “I will never get my needs met if I have to depend upon other people.”

2. “What other people think of me is more important that what I feel.”

3. “God is going to get me.”

4. “I have to be perfect.”

Negative Core Beliefs Continued

5. “I am ugly.”

6. “There’s only one right way to do things –my way.”

7. “You should never do anything for yourself; if you do, you’re selfish.”

8. “I am unworthy of love.”

(Some clients in Stage Two Recovery report that they

are able to find their “soul”)

Termination Phase

A. Denial

• Bring up termination

• Expect and explain regression

• If the client disappears, reach out

B. Anger

• Allow open expression of anger

• Try not to personalize the client’s anger

C. Sadness

• Allow open expression of sadness

• Express feelings of your own

D. Release

• Discuss client accomplishments

• Discuss work that is yet to be done

• Discuss your relationship

• Express confidence in the client