FADAA and FCCMH
Presents
Relationship Detox: Helping Chemically Dependent Clients
Develop Healthy Relationships in Recovery
Presenter
Mark Sanders, LCSW, CADC
www.onthemarkconsulting25.com
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Iceberg Model
Addiction
Co-dependence
Toxic Shame
Abandonment/Trauma
John Freil
Guilt vs. Shame
Guilt Shame Behavior Your being
“I’ve done wrong” “There is something
wrong with me”
“I’ve done bad” “I am bad”
“I made a mistake” “I am a mistake”
“
Shame
The belief that I am unlovable and unworthly
of belonging.
Brene Brown, Ph. D.
Iceberg Model
Addiction
Co-dependence
Toxic Shame
Abandonment/Trauma
John Freil
Co-dependence
An over involvement with things outside of us
and an underinvolvement with things inside
of us. Left untreated codependence can lead
to addiction.
John Friel
Marilyn Monroe
Billie Holiday
Iceberg Model
Addiction
Co-dependence
Toxic Shame
Abandonment/Trauma
John Freil
Addictive Relationship Styles
1. Lots of drama
2. Smothering
1 ∕ 2 + 1 ∕ 2 = 2 ∕ 4 = 1 ∕ 2
Addictive Relationship Styles Continued
4. Extreme jealousy
5. The relationship is based primarily on romantic fantasies rather than reality
6. Lots of arguments and break-ups followed by sex
7. Abuse
8. You abandon relatives and friends whenever you are in a relationship
Addictive Relationship Styles Continued
9. You experience withdrawal symptoms when alone
10.You tend to leave one addictive relationship and enter another
11. You tend to stay in these relationships despite adverse consequences
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
1. Both partners are whole2. Each is growing and encouraging the
other to grow3. Each has a separate life outside of the
relationship4. Each is able to spend time alone5. Minimal jealousy6. No abuse7. Ability to argue in the present8. The relationship is based upon reality not
just romantic fantasies
Adult Children of Alcoholics
• We tend to fear people in authority
• We tend to lie when it’s easier to tell the truth
• We are approval seekers
• We have a tendency toward perfection
Adult Children of Alcoholics Continued
• We are extremely loyal, even when there is evidence that the loyalty is undeserved
• We either marry alcoholics, become one, or choose some other compulsive personality
• We tend to put the needs of others ahead of our own needs
• We are addicted to excitement
• We tend to fear abandonment
The Therapeutic Relationship As A Model For Helping Clients Develop Healthy Relationships In Recovery
The Engagement Phase
• Punctuality
• Joining—small talk
• Making sure the client has a voice
• The use of humor
Counseling Phase
• Experiencing a new way of relatingo Listeningo Inviting solutions from the client
• Modeling healthy boundaries
Types of Boundaries
• Loose – no one is aware of what’s going on with anyone else in the family
• Enmeshed – family members are too involved in each other’s lives
• Healthy, clear – the necessary distinction between the various subsystems are present; members are allowed the 5 freedoms
The goal is to help clients differentiate
Emotional cutoff – Creating distance in relationships by fleeing
A. HomelessnessB. PsychosisC. PrisonD. Drug useE.F. Joining the militaryG. Joining a gang, cult or addictive
relationshipH. Suicide
Helping clients recover from negative core beliefs
Negative Core Beliefs – Stage Two Recovery
1. “I will never get my needs met if I have to depend upon other people.”
2. “What other people think of me is more important that what I feel.”
3. “God is going to get me.”
4. “I have to be perfect.”
Negative Core Beliefs Continued
5. “I am ugly.”
6. “There’s only one right way to do things –my way.”
7. “You should never do anything for yourself; if you do, you’re selfish.”
8. “I am unworthy of love.”
(Some clients in Stage Two Recovery report that they
are able to find their “soul”)
Termination Phase
A. Denial
• Bring up termination
• Expect and explain regression
• If the client disappears, reach out
B. Anger
• Allow open expression of anger
• Try not to personalize the client’s anger
C. Sadness
• Allow open expression of sadness
• Express feelings of your own
D. Release
• Discuss client accomplishments
• Discuss work that is yet to be done
• Discuss your relationship
• Express confidence in the client