Playbook for Couples & the 3Rs – Repair, Revitalize, Rekindle©2016 Adrian Langford, Author, Naturopathic Consultant, Integrative Wellness Partner LLC

HowThisBookCameToBe

I met Charles Carroll several years ago when we both attended the foundation training for Health Coaches at Duke Integrative Medicine in Durham, N.C. Since then we kept in touch to share updates, ideas, and news about our health and healing interests (health coaching, hypnotherapy, regression therapy, nutrition, and other healing modalities).

Recently, during one of our discussions, we noticed a common theme to not only us personally, but also to those we have observed (family, friends, clients). The common theme was the challenges of successful and fulfilling relationships. During one such conversation about the complexity of relationships, it occurred to me that I could help others to improve and even rekindle what was at the core of a couple’s relationship or what they saw in each other at the onset.

I realized that a book detailing solutions for having better relationships could be a wonderful way to reach out beyond just our local clients who need help. I thought it would be helpful to include personal stories and also data from a survey that will provide critical material for the book. (See Chapter 2).

Charles Carroll, EdD, MS, Certified Regression Hypnotist, Writer, Contributor

I am excited about offering written help (and coaching) to couples for Repairing, Revitalizing and Rekindling their relationships. I hope you take the journey in the coming months to share your personal stories, questions, challenges, suggestions and more. Please take the Playbook for Couples Relationship Survey provided in this book and also on my website integreativewellnesspartner.com and join me in working together to provide solutions for the many challenges a lot of us have with close relationships.

Preface

Mypurposeistoprovideyouandyourpartnerorspousewithguidancethatwillrevitalizeyourunionandhelpyoueachrediscoverwhyyoufellintheloveinthefirstplace.My goalistosharefrompersonalandclientexperiencesaboutstrugglesthatweallhaveexperiencedaboutlove,trust,acceptance,unfulfilledexpectationsandbeingmisunderstood.Ihopethatreaderswillgainsomeinsightsintotheirownrelationshipsandwithalittleeffortbeabletorekindlepassion,spontaneity,andahappierlifewiththeirspouseorpartner!

WhothisbookisforThisbookisforthosewhoareinaseriousrelationshipof6monthsorlonger.Itiswrittenforanyonewhowishestoimprovetheirrelationshipwiththeirpartnerorspouseandwhowillfindsome(ormore)relevancyinthesechapterstoprovidehope,guidance,humor,andtoolstomakeadifferenceinyourrelationship.Itisforthosewhotowanttoimprovethepassion,intimacyandcommunicationintheirrelationship.Regardlessofgenderorforthemostpart,age(note:thosewhoarematureusuallyhavemoreinvestedinmanywaysandonmanylevelsthanarelationshipbetweentwo15yearoldsforinstance),Iofferthisbookasawayoffindingeffectiveapproachesandtechniquesinthepursuitofimprovingarelationshipthatisheadedthewrongway–intwooppositedirectionsofeachother!Usethisbookasawayofrediscoveringwhatyoulovedandcaredaboutthepersonyouarewithinthefirstplaceandasawayofplayfullylearningaboutwhoyouarenowandwhyyoustillmattertoeachother.Usethemanyexamples,descriptions,quizzesandchartsinthisbooktoreconnectandrekindleorreignitethegoodstuffthatmattersinhelpingacoupletrulyappreciateeachotherandgainapositiveperspectiveaboutyourself,eachotherandyourrelationship.

Disclaimer

PlaybookforCouples©2016isaself-helpbookandisnotmeanttoreplaceorofferseriouscounselingfordeepconflictsinyourrelationshipwithyourspouseorpartner.Ifyouand/oryourspousehavemoreseriousconcernsthatarebeyondthosepresentedinthisbook,pleaseseektheservicesofahealthprofessionalthatcanprovideappropriatesupportandhelpyouand/orspousemayneedinthepursuitofrestoringtherelationshiporendingitforthebettermentofbothparties.

Playbook4Couples©2016

Chapter1WhenYouandMeBecame‘Us’

Intheearlydays,beforeyouwere‘acouple’orinarelationship,eachofyouhaddreams,andplansforthefuturethatprobablyincludedacareer,meetingtherightpersonthatyouwantedtoshareyourlifewith,gettingahomeandstartingafamily.Whenyoufoundthat“someone”theystruckachordthatmadeyoulooktwice.Thelooksledtoconversations,datesandsoonanundeniableconnection.

Thosewerethewonderdays.Youlearnedtofinisheachothersentences,eachother’slikesanddislikes,andsoonyourdreamsmergedasyoubegintothinkoflifetogether.Youmayhavehaddiscussionsaboutchildrenandlong-termcareergoals.Youbegantothinkofyourselvesasaunit,apair-alongterm‘us’.

Intimacywasalsopartofthegrowingconnectionasyoudidallyoucouldtofulfilleachother’sneeds.Youputyourpartner’sneedsfirst.

Youwillinglyputasidethefactthateachofyoubroughtyourownpersonalmindsetandcorevaluestotherelationship.Embeddedinyourpersonalmindsetandcorevaluesweretraitsandpersonalitycharacteristicsyoudevelopedduringyourlifespanuptothatpoint.

Astheearlysparkleofinfatuationworeoff,earlierneedsorcertaingoalsthatwereputonholdorsimplyignoredtendtoresurface.

Background, Culture and Society, Preferred Roles, Upbringing

In western culture, society dictates many things such as the role that a man has and the role that a woman has. At this point in time, we are experiencing a transformation of who we are and how that affects each other and all that we do. No longer do the rigid definition of roles apply whereby the man goes out into society and works to bring home the ‘bacon’ while the woman stays home to keep the house clean, have babies and tend to the children. The roles have become blurred and mixed as we move rapidly into a futuristic world that is ever becoming more confusing. We are forced into re-writing the rules or making the rules up as we go along for who we are as an individual and as a couple. By default, our relationships and how we treat each other and ourselves are in a period of transition. The old rules no longer apply or at least, don’t seem to be quite working and this is proven out by the high rate of divorce. To be loved is still a universal need and desire; to find and sustain a loving relationship often feels like one of the most difficult things that one is faced with. If we seek a way of navigating our relationships and acquire some skills in the art

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. ~Mistinguett

of a happy relationship, it can be a much more gratifying partnership than previously thought possible. The effort of repairing, revitalizing and finally rekindling a full and happy relationship is possible if both individuals desire it. If both partners value themselves as individuals and their relationship as well, they can clear the road of conflicts today and the roadblocks of tomorrow. Is it worth the risk and effort? That is a question you must ask and answer for yourself.

ROLES IN MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS

1. Traditional Roles – Wife at home, husband at work.2. Conventional Roles – Both wife and husband work.3. The New Norms (Wife works, husband stays at home).

Playbook4Couples©2016

INTHEEARLYDAYSQUIZ

Tryguessingwhatyourpartner’sanswersmaybe–havefunwithit–andeachother!

1. Describethreethingsindetailaboutthecircumstancesatthetimeyoumetyourspouseorpartner.Orlistoneortwothingsthatstandoutinyourmindwhenyoufirstmetyourspouse.

2. Listoneofthefunniestthingsthathappenedwhenyouwerefirstdating;oneofthemostupsettingthingsthathappenedandoneofthesexiestthingsthatyoudidtogether.

3. Oneofthethingsthatyoumissthemostaboutthoseearlydaysofgettingtoknoweachotheris:

4. Yourspouseorpartnerwouldprobablysaythat[fillintheblank]waswhatreallyattractedthemtoyou.

5. Ifyoucouldbringbackanythingfromthosefirstdayswhenyouweredating,whatwoulditbe?

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Playbook4Couples©2016

Chapter2BumpsIntheRoad-StuffHappens

*ThischapterincludestheSurveytoEvaluatethe ConditionofYourRelationship

Closenesshitsbumpsandbumpsturnintoconflicts.Conflictsturnintolongerdisputesandmoredisconnectionsandunfulfilledexpectationsandpossiblyworse.Discussingthepossibilityoflackingskillstodealwithconflictsandproblemssoconflict(s)increasedfromannoyingtodisruptingwhatoncewasahappyrelationship.

Realitysetsinandroutinebeginsafterthe‘honeymoon’phaseisover.Thatmeanslifehappens;eachpersonintherelationshipfacessituationsontheirownandthesesituationshavetheirownsetofcircumstancesandexperiences.Belowisalistofthingsthatmayoccuroncethehoneymoonphaseisover:

KidsIn-lawsDeathofalovedoneFinancialproblemsJob(loss,stressattheworkplace,etc.)Accident,injuries,illnessordiseaseorphysicaldisorderorconditionBadhabitsandaddictionsCheatingonyourpartnerTemptationsComparisons(comparingyourpartnertosomeoneelse)

Playbook 4 Couples©2016

Survey to Evaluate Current Condition of Relationship

This Relationship Survey is designed to gather information on the state of your personal relationship with your spouse or significant other. The information gathered will be for your own personal use to assist you and your spouse (if he/she also takes the survey) in improving your relationship by discovering and identifying areas of concerns, challenges and strengths. Be as honest and accurate with filling out your information as you use it for your own benefit and help with understanding where your relationship needs more attention and improvement. In the event, you become a client, this Relationship Survey will be an excellent place to start from which to base your consultation on. An additional Relationship Survey will be provided in the Appendix for you and/or your partner’s use.

Playbook for Couples & the 3Rs RELATIONSHIP SURVEY©2016

Note: You may skip the Background Information if you are strictly taking this survey for your own personal reasons and not for a coaching session.

Background Information Please print and be brief where written out responses are needed. Thank you. Name First______________________________Last_________________________________ Email_______________________________________ Phone Number__________________ Gender Male [ ] Female [ ] Age ___________ Length of time in current marriage or relationship ____________ Children Yes [ ] No [ ] Number of Children living with you ___________ City and State of residence___________________________________________

Education (check all that apply) High School Graduate [ ] College Graduate [ ] Higher Education (Masters, Ph.D.) [ ] Currently Employed Yes [ ] No [ ] Retired [ ] Is your spouse or partner currently employed? Yes [ ] No [ ] Retired [ ] Is your partner also completing his or her own and submitting it? Yes [ ] No [ ]

If YES, please give Spouse’s or Partner’s Full Name _____________________________________________

Playbook 4 Couples©2016 SURVEY QUESTIONS I. Current Relationship The things you would like to see improve in your current relationship (check all that apply): Financial Situation [ ] Communication/Listening [ ] Trust [ ] Intimacy and/or Sex [ ] Support – mentally, emotionally, physically [ ] Spending more time together [ ] Other _____________________________________________________________________ II. Communication Communication is how you and your spouse or partner listen to each other, give each other time to talk or talk later when it may be a better time. Communication can also be expressed by the written word, digitally or hand written or by affectionate gestures and actions. Check all that apply for areas that you would like to see improvement in communication between you and your spouse or partner. Listening [ ] Better Understanding (of what you mean verbally) [ ] Affectionate Gestures [ ] Special Time to Talk (more of it, and/or less interruptions) [ ] Phone Calls [ ] Written Communication (texts, emails, notes, letters) [ ] Other ________________________________________________________________________ III. Stress Rate your level of stress on a scale of 1 (almost none or very little) to 5 (extremely stressed). 1 [ ] 2 [ ] 3 [ ] 4 [ ] 5 [ ] What do you do to manage or relieve your stress? Check all that apply. Physical Activity – Several times a week i.e., walk, jog, bike, gym class or workout, etc. [ ] Medication or Guided Relaxation [ } Eat comfort food [ ] Watch a movie or television or do video games [ ] Talk to friends [ ] Other __________________________________________________________________________

IV. Intimacy

Intimacy is about closeness and being open with your partner. It is feeling safe and building trust in your relationship and thereby, being able to share personal truths, aspirations, hopes, dreams, fears and more with your spouse or partner. Intimacy is a bond that goes beyond the physical realm of touching and sex; it is a special place of connection that a couple maintains for their personal private loving component of their relationship.

Do you have adequate affection in your relationship, such as hand-holding, massages, kisses, and other positive gestures of affection? Yes [ ] No [ ] Do you feel that your partner respects you and is loyal? Yes [ ] No [ ] Do you feel that sexual activity with your partner is (check one): Great [ ] Adequate [ ] Inadequate [ ] Are you unable to engage in sex due to (check all that apply): Lack of interest [ ] Low libido [ ] Being on medication [ ] Disability [ ] Other ___________________________________________________________________________

Relationship Survey cannot be reprinted without permission from the Author of Playbook for Couples & the 3Rs ©2016Adrian Langford, ND, Integrative Wellness Partner LLC

Playbook4Couples©2016

Chapter3

Let’sTalk–‘CauseICan’tReadYourMind

TheCWord–Communication

Theartoflisteningandtheartofconversationandcommunicatingiskeyinagoodrelationship.Adiscussionwillbedetailedaboutexploringanddiscoveringcommongroundregardlessofgender.

Communication for Couples is:

o Listeningo Talking - Conversationo Timing – When and When Not to Talko Body Languageo Gestures as a Form of Expressiono Expectationso Assumptionso Written word(s)/notes/emails/textso Phone calls/video chats

LyricsfromPaulSimon’s“SomethingSoRight”1973

“They'vegotawallinChinaIt'sathousandmileslongTokeepouttheforeignersTheymadeitstrongI'vegotawallaroundmeYoucan'tevenseeIttookalittletimeTogettome”