English 111 Week 7 | Tuesday, May 3

Plan for Tonight

Section 1 (5:15-7:00)

– Discussion of Passive/Active Voice and Concise Writing

– Overview of Final Exam

– Practice answers in groups

– Evaluations

Section 2 (7:15-9:15)

– Introduction of Rhetorical Revision

– In-Class Planning/Writing for Revision

– Peer Review of Planning/Writing

Style and WritingActive/Passive Voice, Concise Writing(Adapted from Lynda Davis)

Wordiness

Write more using less words

Imagine your message too big for length requirement, so you must be concise with your words.

Writing clear and concise sentences is a mark of advanced writing.

Avoid

Passive voice (opt for the active voice)

– Am, is, are, was, were (being verbs)

Redundancy

– He returned back to the starting place.

Information Overload

– Giving reader too much information

Excessive use of Prepositional phrases

Nominalization

Non-Parallel Structures

Passive Voiceadapted from The Writer’s FAQs pgs 23 & 24

Active verbs express the action completed by the subject.

Passive Verbs express action done to the subject. Example 1

– Active: Paul drove the car.– Passive: The car was driven by Paul.

Example 2– Passive: The photographs showing the tornado were snapped in

a hurry by me.– Active: I hurriedly snapped the photographs of the tornado.

Recognizing Passive Verbs

Grammatically, the passive is formed by a form of the verb be (am, is, are, was, were, be, been) followed by another verb.

– The buyer was intrigued by the designer’s vision.

Passive Voiceadapted from The Writer’s FAQs pgs 23 & 24

Because active verbs add directness and force, they are often a better choice for sentences containing action that begin with “There are” or “There is.”

Original: There were six victims of the crime whose actions of what happened agreed.

Revised: Six of the crime victims gave the same accounts about the crime.

Passive Voiceadapted from The Writer’s FAQs pgs 23 & 24

The active voice is more direct, clearer, and more concise than passive. However, sometimes the passive is a better choice.– When the doer of the action is not known or not important. (as in scientific

papers)• The water temperature was recorded.

– When you want to focus on the receiver of the action.• Historical fiction is not widely read.• The Obamas were married in 1992.

– When you want to focus on the action, not the doer.• The records have been destroyed.

– When you want to avoid blaming or giving credit.• The candidate concedes that the election is lost.

– When you want to tone of objectivity or wish to exclude yourself. (again, science papers)• The complete report was drafted and on the president’s desk yesterday.

Redundancy

Wordy1. A database has three main parts. These parts are

rows, columns, and fields.

2. A program manager has many problems. Typical problems may occur with making deadlines, budgeting, and marketing.

3. We have verified the charges to your account and find that the account balances on our books agree with the account balances on your books.

Concise1. A database has three main parts: rows, columns,

and fields.

2. The programmer has typical problems with making deadlines, budgeting, and marketing.

3. We have verified the charges to your account and find that our records agree with yours.

Revise this sentence for conciseness:

While swimming, a swimmer follows the safety rules for swimmers.

SynonymsYou only need one word from each pair

Basic, fundamental

Each, every

Full, complete

Style, type

Simple, elementary

Reason, purpose

Issues, concerns

Final, conclusive

Last, final

Concept, idea

Some Examples:

He woke up at 6 a.m. in the morning.

The basic, fundamental essentials of an operating system are simply and briefly stated here.

In this class, we will work on personal essays and additionally we will work on some discovery essays.

Example of Sentences with Filler Words

Some people consider having cell phones an unnecessary luxury.

In November, she was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder of . . .

The document includes the product specifications document—which includes some design specifications that are beyond the scope of a typical product specification, but which have been, in spite of this fact, included in this document.

On the date of October 2nd, all personal essays are due for the purpose of conducting a peer review.

Filler AdjectivesSometimes can be deletedA considerable amount

Actually

Basically

Definitely

Extremely

For all intents and purposes

Generally

Individual

Kind of

Sort of

Specific

To a certain extent

very

The conductor was absolutely so surprised when the flute screeched very loud.

For all intents and purposes, the building contractor generally depends on factors that are really more economic in kind than of any given technical aspect.

Filler NounsSometimes can be deleted

Aspect

Case

Effect

Fact

Factor

Feature

Field

Kind

MatterNatureProblemQualitySituationSortThinkType

•A surprising aspect of most labor negotiations is their friendly quality.

•The fact of the war had the effect of causing many changes.

Propositional phrases

Wordy For the reason that, Considering the fact ,

this is why

On the occasion of, In a situation in which, Under circumstances in which

It is necessary that, There is a need/necessity for, It is important that

Is able to, Has the opportunity to, Has the ability to

It is possible that, There is a chance that, It could happen that

Concise because, since, why

when

must, should

Can

may, can, should

Re-write these sentences

In some cases, we can break the rules. It just depends on the circumstances.

The designer’s jeans are priced at a price that I am not willing to pay.

That book of John’s, resting on the table in the library, has been there quite a while, and for that reason, I think I will take it to him.

Don’t state the obvious

This document is written in English.

I like brevity because it is less wordy.

Unnecessary Propositional Phrases

The manager of the coffee barThe class in ballet the plan for the building Import trade in Europe is

greatly affected by an increase in import duties.

The coffee bar managerThe ballet class the building planEuropean import trade is

greatly affected by an import-duty increase.

Avoid too many prepositional phrases

One of the goals in the policy statement of the workers of our company is that of the importance of fairness in the treatment of employees. (25 words)

One goal in our worker’s policy statement is the importance of fair employee treatment. (14 words)

Our worker’s policy statement asks for fair employee treatment. (9 words)

Rewrite this sentence

Wordy:

– The Nikita travel agency has two new employees who need training on the CommNet product. They also need to be trained on the BARTClient system. They can take the class at BART, or we can assign someone to come to the Nikita office. The next available BART training class is either Monday or Tuesday, May 18 or May 26.

Concise:

– The Nikita travel agency has two new employees who need training on both CommNet and BARTClient. They can take the class either at BART or at Nikita. The next available BART training class is either Monday, May 18, or Tuesday, May 26.

Rewrite this sentence

Wordy

– Sam, our new clerical assistant, answers the phones and has responsibility for photocopying documents. Sam goes to a local university three evenings a week, is available to us four afternoons a week, and his father has his help on weekends.

Concise

– Sam, our new clerical assistant, answers phones and photocopies documents. He goes to a local university three evenings a week, works for us four afternoons a week, and helps his father on weekends.

Nominalizations

WordyGlobal production is in

expansion.This is a perfect demonstration

of . . . The purpose of the class is the

improvement of your English. John made a decision.

ConciseGlobal production expands . . . This perfectly demonstrates . . . The class improves your English.

John decided.

Change Noun back into verb.

Find a subject for the verb.

Final Exam

Final Exam Review

Looking at a visual and constructing a written argument

– Introduction

– Thesis (try to include three main points that you can discuss in your body paragraphs)

– 3 Body Paragraphs (with topic sentences & examples from visual text)

– Conclusion (recap central points)

The various forms argument can take…

Practice Final Exam

Choose one of the visual texts below and construct a written argument based on an analysis of your chosen text. Your essay should be neat, well organized, and well evidenced. In short, you should demonstrate all rhetorical strategies we practiced this semester. A helpful hint: you might consider an introduction (with a solid thesis), three body paragraphs (with topic sentences, evidence, and discussion), and a satisfying conclusion. )

Break

Rhetorical Revision Project

Rhetorical Revision

Overview

– For this final assignment you will attempt to bring together a number of knowledge-making activities from previous assignments.

– You will revise your Public Discourse Analysis essay for a different medium and audience, thus making use of both your skills of rhetorical analysis and your understanding of the effects of different media.

Rhetorical Revision

Assignment– Product

• How would you express the argument from Essay 3 if you were making a commercial, designing a billboard, writing a song, composing a poem, or creating a poster?

• Choose a specific audience for your message and the new medium in which you want to state that message

• Make every effort to present your message in this new medium– Memo

• Compose a brief memo explaining – why you chose this particular revision– how you revised your discourse paper to accommodate your chosen

medium– how your revision will speak to a specific audience

Rhetorical Revision: Evaluation Criteria

Criteria for Evaluating Rhetorical Revision

– The Rhetorical Revision exhibits changes that reflect the writer’s concern for a specific audience

– The Rhetorical Revision exhibits changes appropriate to a change in medium

– The Rhetorical Revision expresses a position

– The Rhetorical Revision includes evidence to support the position that is appropriate to the medium chosen

– The memo addresses rhetorical choices related to the Rhetorical Revision and demonstrates a clear understanding of audience, medium, and the use of rhetorical strategies to make an effective argument.

Due Date: by email by 5:15 in Week 8

Examples

“Please Fire Me” by Deborah Garrison

Here comes another alpha male, and all the other alphas are snorting and pawing, kicking up puffs of acrid dust while the silly little hens clatter back and forth on quivering claws and raise a titter about the fuss. Here comes another alpha male– a man's man, a dealmaker, holds tanks of liquor, charms them pantsless at lunch: I've never been sicker. Do I have to stare into his eyes and sympathize? If I want my job I do. Well I think I'm through with the working world, through with warming eggs and being Zenlike in my detachment from all things Ego. I'd like to go somewhere else entirely, and I don't mean Europe.

Examples

Planning the Rhetorical Revision

How might you construct your own rhetorical revision?

Consider and choose the following

– Genre/Medium

– Audience

– Purpose

– Position

– Support

– Appeals to Pathos, Ethos, Logos

Begin a draft of your rhetorical revision. If it will be a visual, you can sketch ideas. If it will be textual, you can begin with some form of outlining.

Planning the Rhetorical Revision

Share your plans for the rhetorical revision in groups.

In your groups, follow these prompts

– Have your partner pretend to be part of the target audience for the rhetorical revision. As the partner, consider how you would react to this argument?

– Discuss ways the medium can be best used to make the argument. This could be word choice, color, design, sound, etc.

– Brainstorm ways to make your sketch or idea become a reality.

Homework for Week 8

Prepare for Final Exam

Create/Submit

– Rhetorical Revision

– Memo about your Rhetorical Revision

Reminder: I will not be present during the final exam. Ms. Iten will administer the exam. You will email your answers to me when you have completed the exam.