echoes of my life_8.5x5.5_olo
TRANSCRIPT
Echoes of my life
Selected Poems and Writings of...
Darla Jane Hoskins
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Echoes of my life
If dreams...
are the echoes of our souls,
then these poems and writings...
are the echoes of my life.
June 3, 2000
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Copyright © 2016 by Darla Jane Hoskins
All rights reserved. No part of this book may bereproduced or utilized in any form or by any means,electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing
from the author.
The cover, all poems, photos and writings, layoutand designs herein are property of
the artist Darla Jane Hoskins.
First Printing August 20, 2000Second Revisen January 1, 2001Third Revisen August 13, 2016
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PreludeIt's been a long while since I was able to sit out in the backyard and write.
The sun is out, a slight breeze is blowing. It's not too hot yet to make you sweat. The birds are chirping, and I hear children playing in a pool behind us. The sound of a wind chime sings, occasionally. My cats are playing, my hair is wet from washing, and slowly drying as I hide beneath the trees on the patio.
These are the rare moments when all troubles and problems are forgotten. My world is still, yet full of life. I feel happy and content. My husband, is underneath a car in front of the house, doing what he enjoys the most. The house is picked up, not clean, but just picked up. I'm satisfied with that.
The leaves are green, the lawn needs mowing. branches from a tree remain fallen. The storm the other night passed quickly, only to be followed by two more storms before all the rain was over.
I've been spending many hours at my computer putting together this collection of poems that I'd written over many years time. Typing in words that I'd written in love or anger. So many words, so many memories and only the other day did I come up with the title, "Echoes of my life".
Can any one possibly find out who I am through any of these writings? Or maybe they might be only able to make a connection through one or two of them.
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I wrote these as a way to try to express what I was feeling at that very moment.To explain the way that I thought or felt about things. To put any other explanation on them would make them meaningless.
They are expressions of the moment...echoes of my life.
Prelude Continued
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Table of ContentsChapter One As Best I Can / Dreams .............................................. 10 For My Father ............................................................... 11 I'd .................................................................................. 12 The Highest Value ........................................................ 13 Even When Joking / Un .............................................. 14 Why Am I So Unhappy .................................................... 15 Songs Of Joy / "Sense" ................................................ 16 Hold Fast To Dreams / Circle Of My Soul .................... 17 Letter To Renee ............................................................ 18 Securely In Hand .......................................................... 19 Middle Ground .............................................................. 20 Total Impact Of Another Individual .............................. 21 Pretty Girl...I Envy You ................................................. 22 Glancing ...................................................................... 23 More Than A Friend ...................................................... 24 Walk Away With Friendship .......................................... 25 Letter To Tom Allen / Thoughts On Tom ....................... 26 To Know The Man ....................................................... 27 Deliberate ..................................................................... 28 Desertion ...................................................................... 29 Questions Of Disappointment ..................................... 30 Dear Dad ...................................................................... 31 In His Shadow .............................................................. 32 Absolute Silence ........................................................... 33 Silence .......................................................................... 34 Type...The Nearer I Come ........................................... 35 For Those Who Live .................................................... 37 Life's #1 Rule: Laugh .................................................. 35 Summer Vacation ........................................................ 38 Silence Of My Heart .................................................... 39 You Feel So Good ....................................................... 40 In my dreams / Investment of a lifetime ....................... 41
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Chapter One No One Hears / Honesty .............................................. 42 The Dream Of Life ....................................................... 43 Even When Joking / Un .............................................. 44 Why Do I Feel The Fool ............................................... 45 I Wish .......................................................................... 46 I Asked God ................................................................. 47 Letter To Eileen ........................................................... 48 So What's This ............................................................ 49 So, Here I Am Again .................................................... 50 Do I Dare Trust ............................................................ 51 Poison ......................................................................... 52Chapter Two Who Am I Without God .................................................... 54 To Love ......................................................................... 55 Thoughts ..................................................................... 56 Where Has All The Music Gone ................................... 57 Independence .............................................................. 58 Letter To Mike .............................................................. 59 Looking For Your Face ................................................. 60 Thoughts On Mike ........................................................ 61 Seize The Day .............................................................. 62 If Ever I Forget ............................................................ 63 City Of Life Underground ............................................ 65 Why Wait ...................................................................... 66 Late At Night ................................................................ 67 Thursday Morning ....................................................... 68 Afraid To Breathe ......................................................... 69 Marriage ....................................................................... 70 Who Am I ...................................................................... 71 Middle Of The Road .................................................... 73 Thoughts On Mimers ................................................... 75 I Know ......................................................................... 76 Trapped ........................................................................ 77 Unfinished ..................................................................... 77
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Chapter One
1980-1987This chapter covers the late teenage years through college and up until I moved to Missouri and got married.
The stage in my life when I didn't really know who I was. I also had a lot of anger in my life at the time and I used my writing to try and express that anger towards my father for moving me away from all my friends. Towards boys because they made fun of me and would reject me, and society because I really never felt like I fit in any where.
Unfortunately, most of my writings then ended up sounding angry or disappointed because that is what I was trying to express at the time.
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As best I canI live my life,
at best...
I stand.
But, I'll make do
with whatever I can.
I may scream in silence
for the trouble I get.
...it tears the insides,
but the trouble is met.
July 1980
DreamsDreams...
that speak to me...telling me what to do.
Make your future possibleby making your dreams come true.
date unknown
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For my fatherFrom a tear stained pastI arrive where I am now.
For the time being I will last,but don't you stand up to take the bow.
I had my troubles in getting here,from you I had no help.
I do not hold you as...dear.
For you there is nothing to be felt.
Oh ! I am mistaken,anger is what should go to you.
Because...you are always faking
in everything that you do.
November 9, 1980
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I'd...I'd like to fly
like a bird in the sky
...with no limitations
to bind me.
I'd like to soar
right out
that front door
...and hope
that someone
will find me.
date unknown
13
The highest ValueLIfe doesn't stand still,
it can't be caught or chased after.
It must be lived...to be of any value.
Love will die if held still for too long.
For like life...love must grow.
It must move continually forward or
it will die of stagnation.
To live and grow in love is...
of the highest value, but is unfortunately not seen of often.
For those who have succeeded...in a growing love
are the luckiest people in the world.
June 7, 1984
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Even when joking
Un...unwinding are the yearsunbearable are my tearsunwanted are my fears
un-haunted are my peers
date unknown
I have often said thingswithout real meaning behind them
...to later find out that there really was.
I have often written aboutthings that I did not know were true
...until later I learned they were.
I have often joked aboutlife and my place in it
...to later find there was no joke,only reality.
Listen carefully to allthat you do and say,even when joking.
it just may be true.
July 13, 1981
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Why am I so unhappyWhy am I so unhappy?
Why do I suffer everyday pain in my heart
from this lonely existence?
Truly...can there be an answer?
Why am I so unhappy in love?Lacking in all that
graces those beauties?...filling each day
with nothing but time.Trying to find one
who will give me his favor.Blessed with all
but that which they recognize...
How can my soul remain "alive" and "vibrant",
when there is no one elsewith which to share my love,
my friendship,and all that "I" have to give.
date unknown
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Songs of joy sing from my heart,in tune to a song unknown.
Crying for that breathless love,that tares and heals all a once.
To watch the moon in darkness bright,to see the day break caressingly,
to cry a tear of joy in love,to break the silence of passion's hunger.
To sing a song of joy in my heart.
June 14, 1982
"Sense"Time
is but a "sense" of the external.
Knowledgeis but a collection of internal time.
Wisdomis but the relationship between
the internal knowledge and the collectionof the external time.
How then are we supposed to judge what "sense" is ?
May 22, 1982
Songs of joy
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Hold fast to dreamsHold fast to dreams
for if dreams die
Life is a broken winged birdthat cannot fly.
date unknown
Circle of my soulHappy days fill my heart
full of laughter
Loving armsencircle my very soul.
to touch...is but to feel the presence of another.
to love...is to share that encompassed
circle of my soul.
June 13, 1982
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Letter to ReneeIt is not in what we know but what we wish to learn
that gives us our greatest advantage.
For each there will be a separate path to follow.
In others you will see their paths when they may not. Try all paths that suit only you.
No one can show you the way, but perhaps in seeing the paths
of others you will find that which you need
to put you onto your own path.
Always strive to find that which will satisfy
your desires at that moment, or the moment will be lost.
Except for the memory that you weren't satisfied.
January 17, 1983
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Securely in handWith my past securely in hand,I stand firmly with the ground.
To know myself is to know exactly where I've been,
and where I am going.
Past and future are strongly linked
with the "here and now".A continuous cycle of events
adding to the memories till only time stands between
what has happened and what will happen.
To break the link is to stop the cycle
and end the chain of events.
but, who is to say what happens to the memories that were stored in a no longer existing container?
date unknown
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Middle groundThrough all my boring days,
I've wished for excitement.
Through all the busy exciting times,
I've dreamed of rest.
I can only hope thatat some timeI will find my
middle ground onwhich to stand.
A place whereI'm moving...
neither too fast,
nor too slow,
but at a perfect rate timed to my own way of life.
As of yet,
I haven't achieved it.
May 9, 1983
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Friends from afarreaching out to you in my dreams
you've touched my soul
Acquaintances in the dayour paths, intertwining and separate
all that the future holds is newVibrant! Energetic! Exciting!
All a composite of youopposite of me
Existing competitionyou don't consider
holds my mind
Be better or like you is a goal, an avoidance,
and a painful trial ‘n err.
To stumble towards your successand reap your advantage
I lose myself
In all honestysuccess must come of its own
or my dignity will be lost.
Knowing...to respect the total impact of another individual
‘n that which you impact upon them.
December 21, 1983
Total impact of another individual
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Pretty girl...I envy you.For at every arm, a boy awaits.
What a nuisancemale egos galore
Can't a girl have a breakfrom their childishness,
their lack of logic and reasonMales...
animals out of control, again!
You are given the moon...if only you'd ask.
Why can't a girl be allowedto do things for herself?
Why are men always trying to buy us with their gifts?
Can't they just sit down and talkto us about how we feel about things?
Girlish ways, girlish talk...makes no sense!
It's not supposed too.Why should it?
Men only have two switches: yes and no...they can only understand things in those terms.
Women are a whole network of terminals...we're a switch board with
a complicated way of operation.Is it any wonder why men will never understand us?
date unknown
Pretty girl...I envy you
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Glancing...Glancing...
I watch you,pretending not to notice.
Cool and calm,while racing heart ticks on
and hands tremble.
Handsome by some standards.Rough by others,
you hold first place with me.
Eyes, avoiding yet seekingnot wanting to be spottedI, not even in your league.
My hopes and dreamskept alive by your frequent none-participating presence.
It's to this condition that the word...Crush,develops
For the heart and mind be so delicatethat those who know not of your existence...
crushes you the most, and teaches you of what loneliness is.
February 19, 1984
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More than a friendA person can become
more than an acquaintance, but a friend when some kind
of tie between them is extended from one to the other.
I extended my hand, and you accepted.
Friendship...is the bringing together of two people.
To join and...to play as children do.
to banter as brother and sisterto hassle you into a better mood
and to respect the privacy of each other,and to still know when
the appropriate time to confrontand help with the other's problems.
But...somewhere along the line
it became more than just friendship,because the ties of "brother & sister"
don't necessarily extend exclusively to real families,
but to those who also come together in spirit.
date unknown
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Walk away with friendshipThere was a time when I was lonely
and "family" was what I needed, but you stepped in to take their place.
Thank you!
...and there were times when you were down,
so I lent you my shoulder and gave you someone to lean on.
You looked better, so I guess that I'd helped.
Your welcome!
...and there were times when we each sought the other out
and walked away with friendship instead of an empty space
filled with problems. Each gave as much as received.
No thanks given, no thanks needed.
date unknownletter to Scott Barrow
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Letter to Tom AllenIt is to those who have
lived their lives fully thatwe owe our debt of gratitude to
for without their example we would have nothing
with which to compareour own lives too.
No goals to setno dreams to keepno future to hold
no reality to make come true.
April 11, 1984
Child-like prancing to and froinviting ideas into the listening minds
non-stop and eternal knowledge
Wrinkly eyes sparkle the "red" face of truth
arguments prevailignorance becomes enlightenment
Let us take joy in his memorythough he is gone, let him now live within each of usthat he has touched us with his words and his spirit.
April 11, 1984
thoughts on Tom Allen
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To know the man...The corridors of the school are empty now,
but one spirit still remainsthe energy and life of one man
is vibrant within my brain
To those who had the opportunityto know the man, Tom Allen
for those who had the fortuneof taking and giving to this man
...may you now realize how fortunate you were
for all the world could not repaythe debt of thanks that I owe that man.
you walked among us head held high spirit and kick gleam in your eye
It is said that all life is but energy,well, man...
you had energy.
It is said those wholive by the sword die by the sword.
Well, you... who lived by energy, died with energy.
Is there any other way to go ?
April 11, 1984
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DeliberateI searched in my mind and found memories of loneliness and pain.
Always surrounded by others...yet, always a lone.
Deliberate...was the move I made,
but growth was the price to pay.
The choice: Be with family and crawl deeper
within myself.Or, leave and find the space that
would lead me to myself.
...to find the strength, and friends,and most important...to find my own life.
May 25, 1984
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DesertionTempt the lion
and pay the price!Yesterday...
time was eternal,today...
it's short.
To hell with you if you don't know how
to be responsible and keep your promises.
Lord... help you if I get a hold of you!
Too many promises made, not enough kept!
promises...once broken,
respect and admiration is lost.
You...no longer exist in my mind!
May 25, 1984
30
Questions of disappointmentHave I based my entire life
on disappointment?Do I live every moment
wanting and waiting to be put down or put off
by those who think only of themselves, and not of others?
Because I'm so lonely does that mean that I have
to leave myself open to every possible hurt there is?
It means...that I allow myself to be vulnerable.
Living for hopes and dreams that can't possibly come true.
I might as well crawl up into my dreams and not awaken.
I can face them easier than real disappointment and let down.
Do I have to be so damn honest all the time?Don't I deserve some fun?
Don't I deserve some companionship too?
June 2, 1984
31
There was a time whenimmaturity and emotions
got in the way of our relationship
fathers and daughters are not known for their agreements
and there was a time when separation was better for the both of us
I was allowed the time
and the space to find myselfthank you for letting go
for if you hold on too tightly to a flower it would die by the very lovethat kept the hand held tight
but you let go and the flower lived
it is thought that only with time
can love grow
I have had the time and I do love you.
June 17, 1984
Dear Dad
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In his shadowA funeral takes place tomorrow.
Someone I knew and cared about died.
Death...Took away a friend, a cousin
leaving a hole in my life.Empty space not to be filled.
Everything's screwed up!Nothing makes sense any more!
Why him?
Energy and spirit were at his command.
A sweet smile stood betweeninnocence and what I didn't have
access to see in him.
Mimi,his sister and closest to him
knew his secrets...followed in his shadow.
Who can say what it is liketo adjust to the death of another.
One day they are hereand the next they're gone.
Not temporary...but permanent.
No way to bring them back home again.
No goodbye, no farewells...just gone.
April 25, 1984
33
Absolute silenceLoneliness...
One never really knowswhat true loneliness is till you have someone,
and then he's gone.
...and then he's gone.I sit and wait.
A call must come soon!and my heart sure aches.
Yet, all I get is silence.
What is worse than absolute silence?Silence absolutely!
...or just the pounding of my heart beatI wonder if I'll even hear the phone over
that racket in my ears?
...or was that the cats meowing?
...they too miss him.
June 1995
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Silence...Silence...
is the lack of
the presence of another.
Four walls
enclosing silence
in a noisy room,
but the silence
doesn't affect the room,
only the inhabitant
who generates it
from within.
Slow,
sad,
mourning.
April 1984
35
Type...the nearer I comeWhat is a type?
Do I fit the description?Are you my type?Am I your type?Is he your type?
Can I be that type if i only changed this, or that?Do I really want too?
Why in the hell would I want too?Why should I change to please some public eye
that doesn't even care who I am?
To fit an ideal dream that only exists in theminds of adults not quite grown up.
The nearer I come to that public image of perfection,
do I lose my "self",or gain part of a group type?
Do I gain acceptance or am I still just "me"
struggling through the hell some call life?
I've learned that before otherscan accept who or what you are,
you must first accept who you are.
A self projecting imagesprung from deep inside.
July 4, 1984
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for those who liveThere are thosewho live their life
as if no tomorrow existed
There are those who live their life
expecting a tomorrowand passing each day
with casual grace.
For those who live for todaymay well die by tonight.
For those who live for tomorrowmay well die by tomorrow
when ever it comes.
But, you lived your life as ifno tomorrow existed.
You lived for the dayand died by the night.
But,I live for tomorrowand will be graced
by the never ending pain of life.
Who got the better deal?
July 6, 1984
37
Life's # 1 rule: LaughThere are many natural highs that can be brought on or achieved without the need, want, or desire for sex.
In fact, it involves no physical contact.Yet, raises the "excited" level far higher than sex.what is this mysterious condition?
Laughter.
For it gives so much yet asks only for your attention.
It is something that is ingrained in each of us since childhood, there are few and far between who have not been able to experience a true round of unstoppable laughter. They must truly be exceptions to my rule,because my rule is one of life.
That is.. if you can laugh off the worst possible predicament, even when at the time it doesn't seem so amusing, than you will go through life with a little more ease than the rest of us.
By doing so, you will have discarded some of the shit that the rest of us will probably carry around with us for the rest of our lives.
which is just excess baggage.
July 6, 1984
38
Summer VacationMy days have gotten lost in the routine of nothing. Laying about in the sun, letting my mind turn to mush while my body bakes past the point of well done. Is there nothing more appealing to waste my time at? Yes, to physically rest the body is good, but to let the mind melt in the hot sun accomplishes nothing.
It brings me no further to my goals, but will perhaps allow me to carry on later when all is in turmoil, and I am once more being absorbed by school. Time is short, and soon this lazy nothing will be gone. Replaced only by that which I dread the most and love the least...homework.
Ah! ...but to turn the pages of a new school book scatters my mind and sends it reeling into the deepest reaches of thought, while my body aches from sitting in the wrong position for far too long.There seems to be no time when both body and mind can be both fully satisfied. For either my time is owned, or I own too much time. Neither condition satisfies me the most, but if I were only allowed one choice and had to live by this the rest of my life...
I'd probably choose the busyness of school. For if my mind goes to waste, than I have nothing. Where if my body were to go to waste, I'd a least have my mind. So, while I bask in the sun during the day, I task my mind in the late reaches of the night. Perhaps , trying to even the balance of mind and body, or drive away the boredom of the long summer nights...in hope that school will soon start again.
July 12. 1984
39
Silence of my heartOnly desire...
disturbs the silence of my heart.
Driving me to situationsthat I'm not totally in control of.
Sometimes I wonderjust what the hell it is that I am doing...
but still I have no control over my actions.I can't help it!
I "need" more than I can get.So, I go many different places hoping to get...
enough.
Enough just to satisfy myself with pleasurefor a few moments.
and a moment is not a very long time.
Yet, this does not cure my aching desire.It only numbs it temporarily.
In the end...the desire always returns.
March 30, 1987
40
You feel so... good!It was once a praise I lived to hear. Yet, now turns sour in my ears. What have I that makes men feel so good and leaves me feeling so empty. I've been told that I have a beautiful body, but what does that mean? I have fought within myself all of my life to accept the body I've been given. So, now my answer to their statement is " it's the only one I've got". What else could I say. I know very little about how to handle compliments, if you could actually call them that.
What is actually amazing to me is that so many men use those four little words so often as if making some kind of a chant or praise. I hear their voices saying it in unison. Not one voice but many all thinking and wanting the same thing. Have they gotten together to choose those four words or is this some kind of instinctual praise they give out to get more of what they want. To brain wash me, and I wonder how many other women have heard this same verse sung into their ears. It really make me want to know who else you have said this to aside from myself. Who?
Then again it's not nice to question what a man says to you when your making love.
May 5, 1987
41
In my dreamsI lived yesterday
and dreamed about today.
I lived todayand dreamed about tomorrow.
When tomorrow comes yesterday will be in my dreams.
April 24, 1983
Investment of a lifetimeThe bond that links your true family
is not one of blood,but one of respect and joyin each other's friendship.
Rarely do members of one familygrow up under the same roof.
The investment of a friendship,could be the investment of a lifetime.
April 24, 1984
42
No one hears...No one hears my cries of pain,but my own poor tortured soul.
Why is it that I feel the loneliness the strongestWhen I am weak with sickness?
It invades my mind,and turns my heart to fear.
It is at this time that I sit in judgement,of my self and others.
To know who are my friends,and who are not.
December 19, 1984
If I could have honesty,it's a lot easier
to over lookyour mistakes.
date unknown
honesty
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What is this emptiness inside methat I search to fill.
It supercedes all in my life.It is far more importantthan physical life itself.
Yet, never quiet reveals itself to me.It is a deep yearning
that goes beyond my soul,that drives me on to live out this life.
So, that I might get onwith more important things.
It makes the "physical" bearable and the living unimportant.
Yet, it causes me to look and search outall manifestations of life and living,
including love.It causes me to constantly look at
where I amand where that I might be going,
and to change course when need be. For it is the force that drives me to live
and allows me to accept deathwith out need of surrender to life itself.
Perhaps, I am already dead, but still living this dream called life!
How can one appreciate lifewhen life is it self is unimportant?
July 26, 1984
The dream of life
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Why do I feel the fool ?Why do I feel the fool?
...that I sit and wait in vain?...that wishes made in ponds don't come true?
...that dreams can't become reality?
So, I play the fool.
I've tried to empty my mind of you, but no one else is there to take your place.
Distractions only distract until their time is warn through.
Can't something else hold my attention like you do?Must I torture myself with impatience?
Can't I just live for today, forget about yesterday, and put tomorrow entirely out of my mind?
for I am of today, and you are but a memory of yesterday, and a hope for a possible future.
No one else has passed their hand close enough to touch my heart, but you have.
No one else has clouded my mind with thoughts and caused me look at myself closer, but you have.
Who are you that causes this never ending pain, this hunger for companionship, this desirous need to be loved?
Who?
August 1984letter written to Paul Mellersh
46
I wish...I wish not to bind you,
but to let you roam at will.
I wish...not to possess you,
but to let you give of yourself freely to me.
I only ask that when in my arms,that you be fully with me,
and resent it not.
I only wish ...you to give your love freely,
unhindered and take my loveas easily as it is given,
for I give it easily to you.
Take not just my body,but my heart and soul as well.
As I will do my best to dounto you the same.
For if we become secure at where we stand today,
no questions need arise by tomorrow.
July 31, 1984
47
I asked Godmany years ago
I stood and threw a pennyinto a wishing pond.
Hoping, and dreaming...and I asked god
if he would please send someone special...
to fill the empty space in my heart.
I never expected I'd have to wait this long to meet you...
but, experience wasn't on my side. I needed time to grow.
Now, I'm ready for you. Yet, sometimes I wonder...
are you ready for me?And sometimes I wonder...
yes, I wonder...will we ever say goodbye?
I spent my whole life believing that you didn't exist.
Yet, here you are!And it took god
to bring us together.
date unknown
48
Letter to EileenFor every female friend I have had,
I've shown a different side of myself. There has always been a need for me to talk with other women
and when none of my other friends could be found...well, you suddenly were there,
and I found myself confessing to you. I believe I've opened my manysides to you because of this.
You've been a good teacherand a good friend to me.
I respect you greatly as a person, and hope that you allow yourselfto stretch out in many directions.
Allow yourself as much freedom as possible for you should have
a spirit that is free and not tied down. For if you allow yourself to be caged,
resentment of the cager will result.
Never halt to find new ways of discovering yourself,
and many are the corridors of your soul.
...and many are the paths of your future.
August 1984
49
So what's this...So what's this tortuous feeling
of conflict I feel inside me?Shall I even dare call it love? Or lust?
Or just indecision?
To want and desire the presence of another in order to be touched
and secured enough to forget about the loneliness,
and yet the loneliness persists.What shall I do now?
How do I bridge this barrier of skin to his soul?When mine already stretches
so far as to touch the other side of him, yet touches nothing.
To be touched physically can only satisfy my hunger
on a temporary basis.I need more.
...how then do I grow within me the seed of harmony and contentment..
I've done it before, why does it now come so hard to me?
Why do men stir me within?Confuse my mind?
Leave me feeling incomplete?
July 27, 1986
50
So, here I am againSo, here I am again
I play the fool...
I've felt these feelings before
loneliness that becomes sadness
waiting that becomes impatience.
I've been at this same spot before
yet...
now there are no tears to fill my eyes,
to streak my cheeks
and proclaim themselves victor.
Once again my soul has lost the battle
and the emptiness has drained me.
March 10, 1987
51
Do i dare trust...I've tried to find myself by looking at the people around
me don't like what I see...golden hair, crystal blue eyes, but rotten to the core
that one is...
I pushed myself within their social circle of men, basking in their attention for the first time.
Only to be poked at, handled and set aside,then laughed at.
Now I'm feeling battered and abused.I feel like shit.
I feel the sadness swelling within mebringing tears to my eyes.
I've lost respect for myself.
There is one who I want to be with,but I feel unworthy of his presence.
Yet, I feel even sadder from not hearing from him.
Love, that torturous word makes me desperate,impulsive, sad...when I am alone.
I've been tossed aside too many times.I've been hurt so bad that I feel pain on a daily basis.
Do I dare trust my feelings towards this guy?Do I dare put myself out on a limb?
...in order to hopefully find love?...or hurt?
Again!
August 10, 1987
52
You poison my mindyou've poisoned my soul
you haunt my dreamsand chase away my hopes
of ever letting go.I locked you away
along time ago, but some howyou've found that keyto my sleeping soul.
I thought I'd gotten awayfrom your memory
your touchyour kiss
they are painful to me.You are
" the fish that got away"is that why I want you so?
but here you are againhaunting me in my sleep
filling my dreams with fantasiesoh, what a night mare.
Will I ever be able to fully let you go?
You Poison my mindyou've poisoned my soul
you haunt my dreamsand I want you to go...
away from my mind and away from my burning soul
stop haunting my sleepjust leave me alone...
date unknown
Poison
53
Chapter Two
1990-1997In this second chapter I was dealing with disappointment with my lack of career that had anything to do with art or any kind of creative type endeavor that would bring some kind of inspiration to my life.
I also spent many years staying at home late at night by myself while my husband worked another shift causing a disappointment in my marriage and a depression that seemed to pull a black cloud over me.
54
Who am I without GodWho am I compared to the sun
so far away and blindingly bright.One blink, one flash, one tiny little spark...
and then I'm gone.
what am I without the ground,the earth beneath my feet.Falling, constantly falling.
No sense of time, no sense of direction.
what am I without water.Thirsting, eternally thirsting for something,
but i wouldn't really know for what.
what am I without the wind.It blows across my skin,
and makes me feel hot and cold....makes me feel alive.
It gives me a sense of my boundaries,limitations.
Who am I without god.No spirit, no life, no energy.
To exist but not to experience,but can that really be called existence.
September 30, 1997
55
To Love...To love...
is to be happy withthat old adage holds true
you must love what you haveor you wouldn't still have it
To love... is also to be patient with
because patience is a virtueand it takes a lot of virtue to be patient
To love...is to be understanding with
understanding when things go wrongunderstanding when the other person
does the wrong thing at the wrong time
To love...is to laugh with
to laugh with the other personat all the silly things you
hopefully will learn together
To love...is to be forgiving with
to forgive when you are madfor words spoken without thought
for actions done for the same reason
To love is...to be happy to be patient
to be understanding, to laugh and to forgive
56
This is the journey of my soul, this is the story of my life. I've done a lot of stupid things, some of the stupid things I regret. If it hadn't been for some of those stupid things we never would have met.
I'd come to a time in my life where I didn't know who I was. You helped me to find my soul. You gave me back my self respect. I thought I knew what love was. I thought I was smarter than that. Yet, how humiliating it was to realize how stupid I had become. I thought that love was solely expressed by physical touch, I had a lot to learn. I slept around to feel loved. I found no one who filled the hunger in my soul.
You came into my life and I knew that you were different. You asked me what I thought. You asked me how I felt about things. You gave meaning to my dull and boring life and made me feel like I had a purpose to my life.
I'd talked to the "G" man even though I said that he didn't exist and I still questioned whether he was real. Yet, if I talked with him about a few questions wasn't I acknowledging that he existed? I now believe that he sent my husband to me and saved me in the process in many different ways. I thank the lord for showing me what true love really means...total acceptance and total forgiveness.
date unknown
Thoughts...
To love is to have a happy and forgiving understanding of patience.
March 23, 1990
57
Where has all the music goneWhere has all the music gone
that used to sing within my soul.
Where has all the poetry gone.
No words are left.
Nothing else to be spoken.
I find myself at an older age
searching for who I am.
That person that I used to be
has died and left me broken.
October 9, 1994
58
IndependenceIndependence...
little is know of this word to me.
I can hardly call myself independent...for I rely too much on others for
emotional support.
Especially when it comes to men.They rule my inner emotional state.
Without ever knowing that they pull my strings.
July 4, 1994
59
Last night I went to the mall by myself.My sister and I were supposed
to go to a movie and dinner together,but she called for the second time this week
and disappointed me by saying she was too tired
and under too much stress to go out.Too much stress?
Did she have any idea how close I came
to having a nervous breakdownthese last two weeks?
No, I guess not.
So, I went to the mall by myself with the intent to see that movie
whether it killed me or not..to go by myself.I felt determined not to let
this depression take me over.
I sat in the mall and had a pizza.I couldn't help but look around
at all the male faces.I looked at each one,
carefully comparing them to yours. I did not see you there.
I was sad. I knew that I would not be happy
till I saw your face.I knew that I never wanted
to be separated like this again.
Letter to Mike
60
I sit and look around.I watch the male faces as they pass by,
I wonder where you are now.I used to look at every face
as they passed by me.Wondering if I'd find someone
better for me than you.If I was missing out on something.
Now, I look at the facesand I try to see you in them.
I compare his face with yours and say,that's not my husband.
I search their faces and look now only for yours.Waiting till I see your features.That I'll recognize your face.
Where are you?why must I wait for you to return?
No one else will do.I want only you.
You are my friend.My closest and dearest friend,
and nothing seems as importantas the day that
you will return to my arms,and I will feel whole and complete again.
July 30,1993
looking for your face
I knew that I loved youand that I would not be happy
with nothing less than you.
July 30, 1993
61
Early morningI roll over
partially asleeppartially awake
I put my arm around youI smell your skin,
and nuzzle my nosebetween your ear and neckOh...the sweet smell of you!
Oh...the kiss that tastes like you,my love.
How salty you are.
I cannot seem to rest my thoughts
my attentionis ever and always towards you
I ache withinand hunger to have you with me
Oh how like a fool I amfor letting you leave me
I am incomplete without you I get by during the day
yet when I get home aloneI feel so incompleteI get nothing done
I was a whole personnow I am only a half
where are you now?
date unknown
Thoughts on Mike
62
why search the worldI have all the answers I need
why waste my time looking for happinessjust let the world catch me up.
Live for the dayseize the day
and live
Don't waste another minuteavoiding today
and dreaming about tomorrow
Live for the dayseize the day
and live
Why spend your dayworrying about tomorrow
why base your life on what others do or say
Live for the dayseize the day
and live.
January 2, 1996
Seize the day
63
If ever I forget...If ever I forget...
If I never mention how muchyou mean to me
today and everyday
My loveMy Mike
Than please read these wordsand know that there is not one day
that passes that I don't miss your presence.That never a day goes by that
my love for you is not stronger.
Sometimes it's the only thingthat guides me through a difficult day.
The hope that when I get homethat I can fall into your arms,
and you will understand without words my needs.
To be touchedto be reassured that
all will be well by tomorrow.
My loveMy Mike
Know now that I love younow and forever.
My love will transcend timefor we are connected in love,
in spirit, and in soul.I feel that our meeting
64
was no accidentthat our meeting was
destined to be.For you are exactly what
I'd asked god forSomeone who'd love me
unconditionally
Someone I can trust with all my heartand know that
it will not be brokenexcept perhaps
on the day you die
For I do not know whatI would do without
having you, looking forward to
when I come home and I'm in your arms.
My loveMy Mike
Thank you for your unconditional surrender.
Thank you for being patient with me in my most trying of times.
Thank you for loving me with all your heart.
April 25, 1996
65
City of life undergroundThe sky is hazythe sun is bright
I'm down town on the second floor of a buildinglooking out a window.Where is everyone?
Today's a holiday, yet the city looks deserted.It's the only city I know of that down townis deserted when it's not a business day.
Can you just see it if New York City completely closed down due to a holiday?
Just wouldn't work...Life would go on.
$1.50 parking sign across the street.All the lots are empty, no one looking or reading the signs.
Why do we have a down town city that is dead on the week-end.
Dead on a holiday.Just doesn't make any sense.
Looking out the window...I see rats,
I see birds, pigeons,I see bums,
the care takers of our great city.Maybe the city is not so dead after all.
Maybe life just hides underground during the weekand comes outside when ever no one else is around.
Kansas City, city of life underground.
September 2, 1996
66
Why wait...Here I am waiting again
I wait for life to happenI wait for my husband to wake up
I wait for him to come homeI wait..
For What?
What am I waiting for...
For him?
Why?
Why wait?
Live.
Live life.
Make him wait.
Maybe...I'm not home.Maybe...he has to wait.
Maybe...the shoe is on the other foot.Maybe...I'm happy and he's not.
September 2, 1996
67
Late at NightIt's late at night
the crickets are chirping,
background music
to lull me to sleep.
The distant sound of traffic
on the highway.
The night is full of life...
Time for me to go to sleep
my muscles are sore, my feet ache...
my spirit is down,
my depression is deep.
September 12, 1996
68
Thursday MorningI'm thinking about the cooler weather
now coming every morning.A cool breeze throughout the house,
when I'm used to the heatNow I feel chilled to the bone.
I don't want to get up.I just want to crawl back under the covers,
under the sheets and hide.
Warm.Cozy.Safe.
Where have all my days gone?My energy is all but spent.No time to do what I want,
and no idea of what I really want to do...
avoid the day...
Hit the alarm and snooze on...
The cool air...is keeping me in bed,
or maybe it's just the thought ofanother long day on my feet again.
September 12, 1996
69
Afraid to BreatheMike,
You said to me..."what do you want me to do?
Just go away and leave you alone?"...I came so close to saying yes!
Tears rolling down my facepain in my heart so tight I was afraid to breathe.
Afraid that I would say... yes,to your Question.
I don't think that you're a failure,but... maybe your just going about it
the wrong way.What a scarry thought...
to lose you.You are my security, my home.
yet, I am restless inside,disappointed and depressed.
Maybe I'm the failure and your not.Maybe I should leave you alone.
Maybe I'm holding you back.Criticizing you on every little detail
untill I've become my sister 20 years agocalling me names...
standing over me saying..."Darla, you are so fucking stupid".
Now look what I've become...a mirror image.
Only this one is cracked,broken, and falling apart
September 16, 1996
70
I'm feeling kind of confused.I had the opportunity to get what
I thought I had wanted...my freedom.
I realized that it's not what I thought I had wanted.
I don't want to be free fromthe chains of marriage.
Marriage is not what is binding me.My fear is what holds me back.
You just became a convenient excuse,someone to blame
for what I wasn't gettingaccomplished in my life.
Marriage...is the union of two souls.
Two people coming togetherto form a better and more perfect union.
To learn and grow.To assist and teach each other.
To share and to love.To live and to die.
but, together for better or for worse.It's not my marriage that I'm so
disappointed with...my life feels empty,
my dream career goes no whereand I've transferred that frustration
onto the one person who Ishould be supporting the most,
not criticizing.
September 16, 1996
Marriage
71
Who am I?I don't know.
I am forever searchingto find something to fillthe emptiness within.
Don't you try to fill the emptiness?Don't you try to fill that space?
Isn't that what love and affection is for?But, what happens when the excitement wears off?
What then?
I hope you have a good hobbyto keep you occupied.
I have several,but that doesn't always work.Sometimes the depression
from being lonely creeps up on me.
No matter what I do,I still feel so empty that I do nothing.
I lay on the couch and watch that endless T.V., the nonsense comes flooding,
my brain stops working,and I forget that I'm lonely.At least I think I forget why
I was watching T.V.,why I was depressed,
and why I waslonely in the first place.
date unknown
Who Am I
72
73
I know what its liketo be standing in the middle of the road
looking down at that white lineteetering on one leg and ready to lose my balance.
It wouldn't take muchto top my weight over to the other side.
The other side-that's supposed to be... insanity,
but right now its looking pretty sane to me.Here I am
surrounded by what seems insanity, and over there it seems quiet and peaceful.
All around me are people making ridiculous demands,
screaming accusations, and telling lies about me.I wonder how much more
I can takebefore I fall to the other side....maybe it's safe over there.
...maybe they can't follow me there....maybe they will leave me alone.
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling...that I've lost my grasp on reality,
but then I ask myself"what is real?""Am I real?"
"Or are they real?"
Certainly, if I had a choicethey would not be in my reality for...
I would vanquish them all away.
Middle of The Road...
74
One wave of the hand,one special word said out loud.
Gone, they are all gone.
But, then something always happensand the ground magically appears beneath my feet,
and I'm not near the white line any more.I'm not even on the road.
The earth surrounds me every whereand all is right with my world.
How crazy I must have seemed to myself and everyone else around me.
One woman falling down,stumbling in just one moment of time,
and picking herself back up again.What seemed real at the time
is now just an illusion, a dream.
Something that you just want to forget about,that embarrasses you, and you don't ever
want to speak about it again.How could I have possibly considered ending my life.
How could I have let people and thingsbother me so much
that the only way out was to end it all.But, then there comes the sadness, the loneliness.
A condition so wide spreadthat so many people are affectedthat they had to give it a name.
Depression.what is depression?
It's that endless sense of hopelessness.
September 23, 1997
75
Thoughts on Mimers...Don't you know what it isthat you mean to me ?
Can't you understand whatit is that I want from you ?
That I need from you ?
I see your little face in the morningdemanding attention on your terms.
To be loved by your terms.Always, on your terms.
You give very little these days,and you take a lot,
and I wonder... why I keep you around.
Yet, I know why.I know that you provide stability.that you'll always be there for me
when I need you.
I know that you bring me that "sense" of home that makes me feelsafe and secure.
I know that you are just a cat.but ... your my cat,
and I love you.
September 30, 1997
76
I know what it's like to run free.
I know what it's like to want to run free,
but to hold myself back.
I know what it's like to want to run free,
and to have another hold me back.
I know what it's like to run free,
and not let the other know
that I'm running free.
Whether I run or not.
Whether I'm free or not.
I'd always want it to be
of my choice.
date unknown
I Know...
77
TrappedI find myself trappedI have no free time
no time to call my ownno time to recover my senses
no time to think
I go to workI come homeI go to work
I come home
Where is there a time or a place for meI'm trapped in this time warp called "work"
The work day is too longit leaves me drained and weak
I' m bombarded daily with other peoples problems
just go awayget out of my face
I'm trapped in this time warp called workthat four letter word
I go home, no one's there and I'm aloneI go to work and every one's there
but, they have their own problems to deal withjust yell at me and get it out of your senses
that solves your problemsbut what about mine?
date unknown
78
I really enjoy getting lost in other people's ideas and thoughts. Maybe because my life is so boring. I used to imagine it was because I wanted to become smarter that I read so much but, as the years have passed maybe it's because what I really wanted was to avoid life, avoid reality, escape from my disappointments. Escape from all that traps me in my world, my job, myself. All the things that keep me from doing what I really want to do. All the pain of failure because I failed to motivate myself. Instead I just let myself sink so low that I no longer feel creative. I've cut myself off from the light. Encased myself in self doubt. Curled up into a tiny fetal ball and died inside. I've turned my back on the creative light of god. I've closed myself off from my soul. I no longer feel in tune with that creative part of my "self". So, I need to ask, "self, where are you?" and "self, how do I get you back?"
I used to write to myself a lot, but some how I either didn't think I needed to any more, or I didn't put the time into it.Or...I became someone else, who thought that she was healed magically and no longer needed it. But, I was wrong. All along my soul has been aching for something that was missing. I've tried several times in the last couple of years to reconnect with myself. I tried and failed. I say failed because I didn't keep it up or maintain it.
How does this make me feel?Like I'm unfinished, unfulfilled, sometimes unhappy.That there is something for me still left to do.That I'm dissatisfied with myself and that I haven't accomplished what I had dreamed of accomplishing.
February 16, 1997
Unfinished...
79
The End.
