I’mveryexcitedthatyou’reholdingtheKindleeditionof

DiaryofaWimpyKidinyourhands.

WhenIreadmyfirste-bookonaKindle,Iwasamazedat

thepossibilities.Carryingawholelibraryaroundwithmeona

deviceIcouldfitinthepalmofmyhand?Amazing.

What’sbeenveryrewardingtomeasanauthorhasbeen

seeingkidscarryingtheirdog-earedcopiesofDiaryofa

WimpyKidwiththem.TheKindleallowskidstohavethe

wholeseriesattheirfingertips,andthereadingexperience

iscrispandcleaneverytime...withnochanceoftoday's

breakfaststainingthepages.

ThankyouforpurchasingDiaryofaWimpyKidonyour

Kindle.Ihopeitgivesyoulotsoflaughsandyouhaveas

muchfunreadingitasIdidwritingit.

September

Tuesday

Firstofall,letmegetsomethingstraight:This

isaJournal,notadiary.Iknowwhatit

saysonthecover,butwhenMomwentoutto

buythisthingIspecificallytoldherto

getonethatdidn’tsay“diary”onit.

Great.AllIneedisforsomejerktocatchme

carryingthisbookaroundandgetthewrongidea.

TheotherthingIwanttoclearuprightaway

Sissy!

isthatthiswasmom’sidea,notmine.

ButifshethinksI’mgoingtowritedownmy

“feelings”inhereorwhatever,she’scrazy.So

justdon’texpectmetobeall“DearDiary”this

and“DearDiary”that.

Punch

2

TheonlyreasonIagreedtodothisatallis

becauseIfigurelateronwhenI’mrichand

famous,I’llhavebetterthingstodothan

answerpeople’sstupidquestionsalldaylong.So

thisbookisgonnacomeinhandy.

LikeIsaid,I’llbefamousoneday,butfornow

Gregory!tellusaboutyour

childhood!

Wereyoualwayssosmart

andhandsome?

Here’smyjournal.

Nowshoo,shoo.

Flash

I’mstuckinmiddleschoolwithabunchofmorons.Morons

3

LetmejustsayfortherecordthatIthink

middleschoolisthedumbestideaeverinvented.

Yougotkidslikemewhohaven’thittheir

growthspurtyetmixedinwiththesegorillaswho

needtoshavetwiceaday.

Andthentheywonderwhybullyingissuchabig

probleminmiddleschool.

Ifitwasuptome,gradelevelswouldbebased

Outtamyway,runts!

onheight,notage.Butthenagain,Iguess

thatwouldmeankidslikeChiragGuptawould

stillbeinthefirstgrade.

4

Todayisthefirstdayofschool,andrightnow

we’rejustwaitingaroundfortheteachertohurry

upandfinishtheseatingchart.SoIfiguredI

mightaswellwriteinthisbooktopassthetime.

Bytheway,letmegiveyousomegoodadvice.On

thefirstdayofschool,yougottoberealcareful

whereyousit.Youwalkintotheclassroomandjust

plunkyourstuffdownonanyolddeskandthe

nextthingyouknowtheteacherissaying—Sointhisclass,IgotstuckwithChrisHosey

in

frontofmeandLionelJamesinbackofme.Ihopeyoualllike

whereyou’resitting,becausetheseareyour

permanentseats.

Gaah!

5

JasonBrillcameinlateandalmostsattomy

right,butluckilyIstoppedthatfromhappening

atthelastsecond.

Nextperiod,Ishouldjustsitinthemiddleofa

bunchofhotgirlsassoonasIstepinthe

room.ButIguessifIdothat,itjustproves

Ididn’tlearnanythingfromlastyear.

Isthisseat

taken? YES!YES!

Greg,willyoupleasepassthisnoteto Why,

shelly? certainly!heh,heh.

Gregisadork.

6

Man,Idon’tknowwhatisupwithgirlsthese

days.Itusedtobeawholelotsimplerbackin

elementaryschool.Thedealwas,ifyouwerethe

fastestrunnerinyourclass,yougotallthegirls.

Andinthefifthgrade,thefastestrunnerwas

RonnieMcCoy.

Nowadays,it’sawholelotmorecomplicated.Now

it’saboutthekindofclothesyouwearorhow

richyouareorifyouhaveacutebuttorwhatever.

AndkidslikeRonnieMcCoyarescratchingtheir

headswonderingwhattheheckhappened.

ThemostpopularboyinmygradeisBryce

Anderson.Thethingthatreallystinksisthat

Ihavealwaysbeenintogirls,butkidslike

Brycehaveonlycomearoundinthelastcouple

ofyears.

7

IrememberhowBryceusedtoactbackin

elementaryschool.

ButofcoursenowIdon’tgetanycreditfor

stickingwiththegirlsallthistime.

LikeIsaid,Bryceisthemostpopularkidinour

grade,sothatleavesalltherestofusguys

scramblingfortheotherspots.

ThebestIcanfigureisthatI’msomewhere

Girlsarestinkypoos!

Yeah!

Idon’tthinkgirlsare

stinkypoos!

around52ndor53rdmostpopularthisyear.

ButthegoodnewsisthatI’mabouttomove

uponespotbecauseCharlieDaviesisaboveme,

andhe’sgettinghisbracesnextweek.

8

Itrytoexplainallthispopularitystufftomy

friendRowley(whoisprobablyhoveringright

aroundthe150mark,bytheway),butIthink

itjustgoesinoneearandouttheotherwithhim.

TodaywehadPhysEd,sothefirstthingI

didwhenIgotoutsidewassneakofftothe

basketballcourttoseeiftheCheesewasstill

there.Andsureenough,itwas.

Wednesday

9

ThatpieceofCheesehasbeensittingonthe

blacktopsincelastspring.Iguessitmust’ve

droppedoutofsomeone’ssandwichorsomething.

Afteracoupleofdays,theCheesestartedgetting

allmoldyandnasty.Nobodywouldplaybasketballon

thecourtwheretheCheesewas,eventhoughthat

wastheonlycourtthathadahoopwithanet.

Thenoneday,thiskidnamedDarrenWalsh

touchedtheCheesewithhisfinger,andthat’s

whatstartedthisthingcalledtheCheeseTouch.

It’sbasicallyliketheCooties.Ifyougetthe

CheeseTouch,you’restuckwithituntilyou

passitontosomeoneelse.

Scream!

Theonlywaytoprotectyourselffromthe

CheeseTouchistocrossyourfingers.

Butit’snotthateasyrememberingtokeepyour

fingerscrossedeverymomentoftheday.Iended

uptapingminetogethersothey’dstaycrossed

allthetime.IgotaDinhandwriting,butit

wastotallyworthit.

ThisonekidnamedAbeHallgottheCheese

TouchinApril,andnobodywouldevencomenear

himfortherestoftheyear.ThissummerAbe

movedawaytoCaliforniaandtooktheCheese

Touchwithhim.

Ijusthopesomeonedoesn’tstarttheCheese

Touchupagain,becauseIdon’tneedthatkind

ofstressinmylifeanymore.

Thursday

I’mhavingaseriouslyhardtimegettingused

tothefactthatsummerisoverandIhaveto

getoutofbedeverymorningtogotoschool.

Mysummerdidnotexactlygetofftoagreat

start,thankstomyolderbrotherRodrick.

10

Acoupleofdaysintosummervacation,Rodrick

wokemeupinthemiddleofthenight.Hetold

meIsleptthroughthewholesummer,butthat

luckilyIwokeupjustintimeforthefirst

dayofschool.

YoumightthinkIwasprettydumbforfalling

forthatone,butRodrickwasdressedupinhis

schoolclothesandhesetmyalarmclockaheadto

makeitlooklikeitwasthemorning.Plus,he

closedmycurtainssoIcouldn’tseethatitwas

Shoot.

stilldarkout.

AfterRodrickwokemeup,Ijustgotdressedand

wentdownstairstomakemyselfsomebreakfast,

likeIdoeverymorningonaschoolday.

11

ButIguessImusthavemadeaprettybig

racketbecausethenextthingIknew,Dadwas

downstairs,yellingatmeforeatingCheeriosat

3:00inthemorning.

Ittookmeaminutetofigureoutwhattheheck

wasgoingon.

AfterIdid,ItoldDadthatRodrickhad

playedatrickonme,andHewastheonethat

shouldbegettingyelledat.

Dadwalkeddowntothebasementtochew

Rodrickout,andItaggedalong.Icouldn’t

waittoseeRodrickgetwhatwascomingtohim.

12

ButRodrickcovereduphistracksprettygood.

Andtothisday,I’msureDadthinksI’ve

gotascrewlooseorsomething.

Todayatschoolwegotassignedtoreadinggroups.

Theydon’tcomerightoutandtellyouif

you’reintheGiftedgrouportheEasygroup,

butyoucanfigureitoutrightawaybylooking

Friday

atthecoversofthebookstheyhandout.

EINSTEINASACHILD

BinkSAYSBOO

boo

13

IwasprettydisappointedtofindoutIgot

putintheGiftedgroup,becausethatjustmeans

alotofextrawork.

Whentheydidthescreeningattheendoflast

year,IdidmybesttomakesureIgotputin

theEasygroupthisyear.

Fredpickedupthebuh…bah…

bee…

The“book.”

Whew.thanks!

Momisrealtightwithourprincipal,soI’ l lbet

shesteppedinandmadesureIgotputinthe

Giftedgroupagain.

MomisalwayssayingI’masmartkid,butthat

Ijustdon’t“apply”myself.

14

Butifthere’sonethingIlearnedfromRodrick,

it’stosetpeople’sexpectationsreallowsoyou

endupsurprisingthembypracticallydoing

nothingatall.

Rodrick,IwantyourdirtyunderwearoffthekitchentablebeforeIgethome

fromwork.

Grunt

Later…

Actually,I’mkindofgladmyplantogetput

intheEasygroupdidn’twork.

Isawacoupleofthe“BinkSaysBoo”kids

holdingtheirbooksupsidedown,andIdon’t

thinktheywerejoking.

Well,thefirstweekofschoolisfinallyover,so

todayIsleptin.

MostkidswakeupearlyonSaturdaytowatch

cartoonsorwhatever,butnotme.Theonlyreason

Igetoutofbedatallonweekendsisbecause

eventually,Ican’tstandthetasteofmyown

breathanymore.

Saturday

Smacksmack

16

Unfortunately,Dadwakesupat6:00inthe

morningnomatterwhatdayoftheweekit

is,andheisnotrealconsiderateofthefact

thatIamtryingtoenjoymySaturdaylike

anormalperson.

Ididn’thaveanythingtodotodaysoIjust

headeduptoRowley’shouse.

Vroom

Rowleyistechnicallymybestfriend,butthatis

definitelysubjecttochange.

I’vebeenavoidingRowleysincethefirstdayof

school,whenhedidsomethingthatreally

annoyedme.

17

Weweregettingourstufffromourlockersat

theendoftheday,andRowleycameuptome

andsaid—IhavetoldRowleyatleastabilliontimesthat

nowthatwe’reinmiddleschool,you’resupposed

tosay“hangout,”not“play.”Butnomatter

howmanynoogiesIgivehim,healwaysforgets

thenexttime.

WanttocomeovertomyhouseandPlaayyy?

I’vebeentryingtobealotmorecarefulabout

myimageeversinceIgottomiddleschool.But

havingRowleyaroundisdefinitelynothelping.

18

ImetRowleyafewyearsagowhenhemoved

intomyneighborhood.

Hismomboughthimthisbookcalled“Howto

MakeFriendsinNewPlaces,”andhecameto

myhousetryingallthesedumbgimmicks.

KnockKnock!

Thermos!

Thermosbesomewaytotickle

yourfunnybone!

Huh?

Excuseme?

Saywhat?

IguessIkindoffeltsorryforRowley,andI

decidedtotakehimundermywing.

It’sbeengreathavinghimaround,mostlybecause

IgettouseallthetricksRodrickpullsonme.

19

Didyouknowthatifyourhandisbiggerthanyourfaceit’sa

signof“lowintelligence”?

Really?

Ha!gotcha!

Whap!

ButdoIhave“low

intelligence”?

Hmm…Letmecheck

again.

20

YouknowhowIsaidIplayallsortsofpranks

onRowley?Well,Ihavealittlebrothernamed

Manny,andIcouldnevergetawaywith

pullinganyofthatstuffonhim.

MomandDadprotectMannylikehe’saprinceor

something.Andhenevergetsintrouble,evenif

hereallydeservesit.

Yesterday,Mannydrewaself-portraitonmy

bedroomdoorinpermanentmarker.Ithought

MomandDadwerereallygoingtolethimhave

it,butasusual,Iwaswrong.

Monday

Awwww…

21

Butthethingthatbugsmethemostabout

Mannyisthenicknamehehasforme.Whenhe

wasababy,hecouldn’tpronounce“brother,”

sohestartedcallingme“Bubby.”Andhe

stillcallsmethatnow,eventhoughIkeep

tryingtogetMomandDadtomakehimstop.

Luckilynoneofmyfriendshavefoundoutyet,

butbelieveme,Ihavehadsomereallyclosecalls.

Happybirthday,Greg

Hey,thisonesaysit’sto

“bubby”!

Mustbeamistake.

toss

22

MommakesmehelpMannygetreadyforschoolin

themorning.AfterImakeMannyhisbreakfast,

hecarrieshiscerealbowlintothefamilyroomand

sitsonhisplasticpotty.

Andwhenit’stimeforhimtogotodaycare,he

getsupanddumpswhateverhedidn’teatrightin

thetoilet.

“C”isforcookieandcookieis

forme!

Ha!

Dump

Momisalwaysgettingonmeaboutnotfinishing

mybreakfast.Butifshehadtoscrapecorn

flakesoutofthebottomofaplasticpotty

everymorning,shewouldn’thavemuchofan

appetiteeither.

23

Idon’tknowifImentionedthisbefore,butI

amsupergoodatvideogames.I’ l lbetI

couldbeatanyoneinmygradehead-to-head.

Unfortunately,Daddoesnotexactlyappreciate

myskills.He’salwaysgettingonmeaboutgoing

outanddoingsomething“active.”

SotonightafterdinnerwhenDadstarted

hasslingmeaboutgoingoutside,Itriedto

explainhowwithvideogames,youcanplaysports

likefootballandsoccer,andyoudon’tevengetall

hotandsweaty.

Tuesday

Butasusual,Daddidn’tseemylogic.

24

Dadisaprettysmartguyingeneralbutwhen

itcomestocommonsense,sometimesIwonder

abouthim.

I’msureDadwoulddismantlemygamesystem

ifhecouldfigureouthowtodoit.Butluckily,

thepeoplewhomakethesethingsmakethem

parent-proof.

Slam

Dagnabthesefancy

gadgets!

EverytimeDadkicksmeoutofthehousetodo

somethingsporty,IjustgouptoRowley’sand

playmyvideogamesthere.

Unfortunately,theonlygamesIcanplayat

Rowley’sarecar-racinggamesandstufflikethat.

BecausewheneverIbringagameuptoRowley’s

house,hisdadlooksituponsomeparents’Web

site.Andifmygamehasanykindoffighting

orviolenceinit,hewon’tletusplay.

Hmmmm…

I’mgettingalittlesickofplayingFormulaOne

RacingwithRowley,becausehe’snotaserious

gamerlikeme.Allthatyouhavetodotobeat

Rowleyisnameyourcarsomethingridiculousat

thebeginningofthegame.

26

AndthenwhenyoupassRowley’scar,hejust

fallstopieces.

Anyway,afterIgotdonemoppingthefloor

withRowleytoday,Iheadedhome.Iran

throughtheneighbor’ssprinkleracoupletimesto

makeitlooklikeIwasallsweaty,andthat

seemedtodothetrickforDad.

Badfartahead! Bwaahahaha!

Whew!

27

Wednesday

Butmytrickkindofbackfired,becauseassoon

asMomsawme,shemademegoupstairsand

takeashower.

IguessDadmusthavebeenprettyhappywith

himselfformakingmegooutsideyesterday,

becausehediditagaintoday.

It’sgettingreallyannoyingtohavetogoupto

Rowley’severytimeIwanttoplayavideogame.

There’sthisweirdkidnamedFregleywholives

halfwaybetweenmyhouseandRowley’s,and

Fregleyisalwayshangingoutinhisfrontyard.

Soit’sprettyhardtoavoidhim.

Wannaseemy“secretFreckle”?

Um…Nothanks.

28

FregleyisinmyPhysEdclassatschool,andhe

hasthiswholemade-uplanguage.Likewhenhe

needstogotothebathroom,hesays—UskidshaveprettymuchfiguredFregleyoutby

now,butIdon’tthinktheteachershavereally

caughtonyet.Juice!

juuuice!!!

Ok,kid…geewhiz!

Today,IprobablywouldhavegoneuptoRowley’s

onmyownanyway,becausemybrotherRodrick

andhisbandwerepracticingdowninthebasement.

29

Rodrick’sbandisreallyawful,andIcan’t

standbeinghomewhenthey’rehavingrehearsals.

Hisbandiscalled“LoadedDiaper,”onlyit’s

spelled“LödedDiper”onRodrick’svan.

Youmightthinkhespelleditthatwaytomakeit

lookcooler,butIbetifyoutoldRodrickhow

“LoadedDiaper”isreallyspelled,itwouldbenews

tohim.

LÖdeddiper

DadwasagainsttheideaofRodrickstartinga

band,butMomwasallforit.

She’stheonewhoboughtRodrickhisfirst

drumset.

30

IthinkMomhasthisideathatwe’reallgoing

tolearntoplayinstrumentsandthenbecomeone

ofthosefamilybandslikeyouseeontv.

Dadreallyhatesheavymetal,andthat’sthe

kindofmusicRodrickandhisbandplay.Idon’t

thinkMomreallycareswhatRodrickplaysorlistens

to,becausetoher,allmusicisthesame.In

fact,earliertoday,Rodrickwaslisteningtoone

ofhisCDsinthefamilyroom,andMomcamein

andstarteddancing.

31

ThatreallybuggedRodrick,sohedroveoffto

thestoreandcamebackfifteenminuteslater

withsomeheadphones.Andthatprettymuch

tookcareoftheproblem.

YesterdayRodrickgotanewheavymetalCD,

andithadoneofthose“ParentalWarning”

stickersonit.

Ihavenevergottentolistentooneofthose

ParentalWarningCDs,becauseMomandDadnever

Thursday

letmebuythematthemall.SoIrealizedtheonly

wayIwasgonnagetachancetolistento

Rodrick’sCDwasifIsnuckitoutofthehouse.

Thismorning,afterRodrickleft,IcalledupRowley

andtoldhimtobringhisCDplayertoschool.

32

ThenIwentdowntoRodrick’sroomandtook

theCDoffhisrack.

You’renotallowedtobringpersonalmusicplayers

toschool,sowehadtowaittouseituntilafter

lunchwhentheteachersletusoutside.Assoon

aswegotthechance,meandRowleysnuck

aroundthebackoftheschoolandloadedup

Rodrick’sCD.

ButRowleyforgottoputbatteriesinhisCD

player,soitwasprettymuchworthless.

ThenIcameupwiththisgreatideaforagame.

Theobjectwastoputtheheadphonesonyour

headandthentrytoshakethemoffwithout

usingyourhands.

33

Thewinnerwaswhoevercouldshaketheheadphones

offintheshortestamountoftime.

Ihadtherecordwithsevenandahalfseconds,

butIthinkImighthaveshooksomeofmy

fillingsloosewiththatone.

Rightinthemiddleofourgame,Mrs.Craigcame

aroundthecornerandcaughtusred-handed.She

tookthemusicplayerawayfrommeandstarted

chewingusout.

34

ButIthinkshehadthewrongideaaboutwhat

weweredoingbackthere.Shestartedtellingus

howrockandrollis“evil”andhowit’sgoingto

ruinourbrains.

Iwasgoingtotellherthatthereweren’teven

anybatteriesintheCDplayer,butIcouldtell

she

didn’twanttobeinterrupted.SoIjustwaited

untilshewasdone,andthenIsaid,“Yes,ma’am.”

ButrightwhenMrs.Craigwasabouttoletus

go,Rowleystartedblubberingabouthowhedoesn’t

wantrockandrolltoruinhis“brains.”

Honestly,sometimesIdon’tknowaboutthatboy.

35

Well,nowI’vegoneanddoneit.

Lastnight,aftereveryonewasinbed,Isnuck

downstairstolistentoRodrick’sCDonthe

stereointhefamilyroom.

IputRodrick’snewheadphonesonandcranked

upthevolumereallyhigh.ThenIhit“play.”

Friday

First,letmejustsayIcandefinitelyunderstand

whytheyputthat“ParentalWarning”sticker

ontheCD.

ButIonlygottohearaboutthirtysecondsof

thefirstsongbeforeIgotinterrupted.

36

ItturnsoutIdidn’thavetheheadphonesplugged

intothestereo.Sothemusicwasactuallycoming

throughthespeakers,nottheheadphones.

Dadmarchedmeuptomyroomandshutthe

doorbehindhim,andthenhesaid—

Let’syouandmehaveatalk,

friend.

WheneverDadsays“friend”thatway,youknow

you’reintrouble.ThefirsttimeDadeversaid

“friend”likethattome,Ididn’tgetthathewas

beingsarcastic.SoIkindofletmyguarddown.

Idon’tmakethatmistakeanymore.

Tonight,Dadyelledatmeforabouttenminutes,

andthenIguesshedecidedhe’dratherbeinbed

thanstandinginmyroominhisunderwear.He

Friend=Good

toldmeIwasgroundedfromplayingvideogames

fortwoweeks,whichisaboutwhatIexpected.

IguessIshouldbegladthat’sallhedid.

ThegoodthingaboutDadisthatwhenhegets

mad,hecoolsoffrealquick,andthenit’sover.

38

Usually,ifyoumessupinfrontofDad,hejust

throwswhateverhe’sgotinhishandsatyou.

Goodtimetoscrewup:

Badtimetoscrewup:

Kick

Kick

Momhasatotallydifferentstylewhenit

comestopunishment.IfyoumessupandMom

catchesyou,thefirstthingshedoesistotake

afewdaystofigureoutwhatyourpunishment

shouldbe.

39

Andwhileyou’rewaiting,youdoallthesenice

thingstotrytogetoffeasier.

Butthenafterafewdays,rightwhenyou

forgetyou’reintrouble,that’swhenshelaysit

onyou.

Ijustdustedthedining

roomfortheheckofit!

Howthoughtful

ofyou!

Areyouhavingfun?

Yeah!Novideogamesfor

aweek!

40

Thisvideogamebanisawholelottougherthan

Ithoughtitwouldbe.ButatleastI’mnotthe

onlyoneinthefamilywho’sintrouble.

Rodrick’sinsomehotwaterwithMomrightnow,

too.MannygotaholdofoneofRodrick’sheavy

metalmagazines,andoneofthepageshada

pictureofawomaninabikinilyingacrossthe

hoodofacar.AndthenMannybroughtitinto

daycareforshow-and-tell.

Monday

Anyway,Idon’tthinkMomwastoohappyabout

gettingthatphonecall.

Isawthemagazinemyself,andithonestlywasn’t

anythingtogetworkedupover.ButMomdoesn’t

allowthatkindofstuffinthehouse.

41

Rodrick’spunishmentwasthathehadtoanswer

abunchofquestionsMomwroteoutforhim.

Did owning this magazinemake you a better person?

No.Did it make you morepopular at school?

No.

How do you feel about havingowned this type ofmagazinenow?

Ifeelashamed.

Ifeelashamed.Do you have anything youwant to say to women forhaving owned thisoffensivemagazine?

I’msorrywomen.

42

Wednesday

I’mstillgroundedfromplayingvideogames,so

Mannyhasbeenusingmysystem.Momwentoutand

boughtawholebunchofeducationalvideogames,

andwatchingMannyplaythemisliketorture.

ThegoodnewsisthatIfinallyfiguredouthow

togetsomeofmygamespastRowley’sdad.I

justputoneofmydiscsinManny’s“Discovering

Whatnumbercomesafter

twoandrhymeswith“tree”?

Hmm…

Three!three!

theAlphabet”case,andthat’sallittakes.

MmHmmmm!

43

ThursdayAtschooltoday,theyannouncedthatstudentgovernmentelectionsarecomingup.Tobehonestwithyou,I’veneverhadanyinterestinstudentgovernment.ButwhenIstartedthinkingaboutit,IrealizedgettingelectedTreasurercouldtotallychangemysituationatschool.

wecheerleadersaretiredof

ridingtogamesinthe

samebusasthenerdsinthe

band!

hmm...let

meseewhaticando...

treasurer

44

Andevenbetter...

NobodyeverthinksaboutrunningforTreasurer,

becauseallanyoneevercaresaboutarethebig-

ticketpositionslikePresidentandVicePresident.

SoIfigureifIsignuptomorrow,the

Treasurerjobisprettymuchmineforthetaking.

wejocksjustneedanairpumptoinflateouronlyfootball.

yeahhhh...sorry.can’t

helpyouwiththat.

treasurer

Friday

Today,Iwentandputmynameonthelistto

runforTreasurer.Unfortunately,thiskidnamed

MartyPorterisrunningforTreasurer,too,and

he’srealbrainyatmath.Sothismightnotbeas

easyasIthought.

45

ItoldDadthatIwasrunningforstudent

government,andheseemedprettyexcited.It

turnsoutheranforstudentgovernmentwhen

hewasmyage,andheactuallywon.

Daddugthroughsomeoldboxesinthebasement

andfoundoneofhiscampaignposters.

integrityhonesty

know-how

voteFrankHeffley

for

secretary

Ithoughttheposterideawasprettygood,so

IaskedDadtodrivemetothestoretoget

somesupplies.Iloadeduponposterboardand

markers,andIspenttherestofthenight

makingallmycampaignstuff.Solet’sjusthope

theseposterswork.

46

Monday

Ibroughtmypostersintoschooltoday,andI

havetosay,theycameoutprettygood.

DoYouWantmartyporter

tobeyourtreasurer?

darr... hey,you’redroppingallourmoney,youfool!

Rememberinsecondgradehow

MartyPorterhadheadlice?itchitch

DoyoureallywanthimtouchingYOURmoney?

47

IstartedhangingmypostersupassoonasI

gotin.Buttheywereonlyupforaboutthree

minutesbeforeVicePrincipalRoyspottedthem.

Mr.Roysaidyouweren’tallowedtowrite

“fabrications”abouttheothercandidates.SoI

toldMr.Roythatthethingabouttheheadlice

wastrue,andhowitpracticallycloseddownthe

wholeschoolwhenithappened.

Buthetookdownallmypostersanyway.Sotoday,

MartyPorterwasgoingaroundhandingoutlollipops

tobuyhimselfvoteswhilemypostersweresittingat

thebottomofMr.Roy’strashcan.Iguessthis

meansmypoliticalcareerisofficiallyover.

48

October

Monday

Well,it’sfinallyOctober,andthereareonly

thirtydaysleftuntilHalloween.Halloweenis

myfAVoriteholiday,eventhoughMomsays

I’mgettingtoooldtogotrick-or-treating

anymore.

HalloweenisDad’sfavoriteholiday,too,butfor

adifferentreason.OnHalloweennight,while

alltheotherparentsarehandingoutcandy,

Dadishidinginthebusheswithabigtrash

canfullofwater.

Andifanyteenagerspassbyourdriveway,he

drenchesthem.

yaaargh!

yaaargh!

49

I’mnotsureDadreallyunderstandstheconcept

ofHalloween.ButI’mnotgonnabetheonewho

spoilshisfun.

TonightwastheopeningnightoftheCrossland

HighSchoolhauntedhouse,andIgotMomto

agreetotakemeandRowley.

RowleyshowedupatmyhousewearinghisHalloween

costumefromlastyear.WhenIcalledhimearlier

Itoldhimtojustwearregularclothes,butof

coursehedidn’tlisten.

trickortreat!

heh,heh.

50

Itriednottoletitbothermetoomuch,though.

I’veneverbeenallowedtogototheCrossland

hauntedhousebefore,andIwasn’tgoingtolet

Rowleyruinitforme.Rodrickhastoldmeall

aboutit,andI’vebeenlookingforwardtothis

foraboutthreeyears.

Anyway,whenwegottotheentrance,I

startedhavingsecondthoughtsaboutgoingin.

goodeeeveninggg.

ButMomseemedlikeshewasinahurrytogetthis

overwith,andshemovedusalong.Oncewewere

throughthegate,itwasonescareafteranother.

Therewerevampiresjumpingoutatyouandpeople

withoutheadsandallsortsofcrazystuff.

51

ButtheworstpartwasthisareacalledChainsaw

Alley.Therewasthisbigguyinahockeymask

andhehadareAlchainsaw.Rodricktoldme

thechainsawhasarubberblade,butIwasn’t

takinganychances.

Right when it looked like the chainsaw guy

was going to catch us,Mom stepped in and

bailed us out.

that’snotnice!

i’msorry,ma’am!

52

Mommadethechainsawguyshowuswherethe

exitwas,andthatwastheendofourhaunted

houseexperiencerightthere.Iguessitwasa

littleembarrassingwhenMomdidthat,butI’m

willingtoletitgothisonetime.

Saturday

TheCrosslandhauntedhousereallygotmethinking.

Thoseguyswerechargingfivebucksapop,and

thelinestretchedhalfwayaroundtheschool.

Idecidedtomakeahauntedhouseofmyown.

Actually,IhadtobringRowleyinonthedeal,

becauseMomwouldn’tletmeconvertourfirst

floorintoafull-outhauntedmansion.

IknewRowley’sdadwouldn’tbecrazyaboutthe

idea,either,sowedecidedtobuildthehaunted

houseinhisbasementandjustnotmentionitto

hisparents.

MeandRowleyspentmostofthedaycomingup

withanawesomeplanforourhauntedhouse.

53

Herewasourfinalplan:hallof

screamslakeof

blood

bottom-lesspitrat

tunnel

mazeof1,000

skullsdeathslideknife

alleyacidlake

handhall exit

Idon’tmeantobragoranything,butwhat

wecameupwithwasWAybetterthanthe

CrosslandHighSchoolhauntedhouse.

Werealizedweweregonnaneedtogettheword

54

I’lladmitmaybewestretchedthetruthalittle

inouradvertisement,butwehadtomakesure

peopleactuallyshowedup.

haunted

houseouch.

withlivesharks!

32surreystreet

admission:50 ¢

3:00p.m.

Bythetimewefinishedputtingtheflyersup

aroundtheneighborhoodandgotbackto

Rowley’sbasement,itwasalready2:30,andwe

hadn’tevenstartedputtingtheactualhaunted

housetogetheryet.

Sowehadtocutsomecornersfromour

originalplan.

When3:00rolledaround,welookedoutsideto

seeifanyonehadshowedup.Andsureenough,

therewereabouttwentyneighborhoodkidswaiting

inlineoutsideRowley’sbasement.

Now,Iknowourflyerssaidadmissionwasfifty

cents,butIcouldseethatwehadachanceto

makeakillinghere.

SoItoldthekidsthatadmissionwastwobucks,

andthefifty-centthingwasjustatypo.

Thefirstkidtocoughuphistwobuckswas

ShaneSnella.Hepaidhismoneyandwelethim

inside,andmeandRowleytookourpositionsin

theHallofScreams.

56

TheHallofScreamswasbasicallyabedwithme

andRowleyoneithersideofit.

rah! rah!

squeal!

IguessmaybewemadetheHallofScreamsa

littletooscary,becausehalfwaythrough,Shane

curledupinaballunderneaththebed.Wetried

togethimtocrawloutfromunderthere,but

hewouldn’tbudge.

Istartedthinkingaboutallthemoneywewere

losingwiththiskidclogginguptheHallofScreams,

andIknewwehadtogethimoutofthere,quick.

Eventually,Rowley’sdadcamedownstairs.At

firstIwashappytoseehim,becauseIthought

hecouldhelpusdragShaneoutfromunderthe

bedandgetourhauntedhousecrankingagain.

57

ButRowley’sdadwasn’treallyinahelpfulmood.

pokepoke

Rowley’sdadwantedtoknowwhatwewere

doing,andwhyShaneSnellawascurledupunder

thebed.

Wetoldhimthatthebasementwasahaunted

house,andthatShaneSnellaactuallyPAiD

forustodothistohim.ButRowley’sdaddidn’t

believeus.

Iadmitthatifyoulookedaround,itdidn’t

reallylooklikeahauntedhouse.Allwehadtime

toputtogetherwastheHallofScreamsandthe

LakeofBlood,whichwasjustRowley’sold

babypoolwithhalfabottleofketchupinit.

58

ItriedtoshowRowley’sdadouroriginalplan

toprovethatwereallywererunningalegitimate

operation,buthestilldidn’tseemconvinced.

Andtomakealongstoryshort,thatwasthe

endofourhauntedhouse.

Thegoodnewsis,sinceRowley’sdaddidn’t

believeus,hedidn’tmakeusrefundShane’s

money.Soatleastweclearedtwobuckstoday.

59

Sunday

Rowleyendedupgettinggroundedforthatwhole

hauntedhousemessyesterday.He’snotallowedto

watchtvforaweek,andhe’snotallowedto

havemeoverathishouseduringthattime.

Thatlastpartreallyisn’tfair,becausethat’s

punishingme,andIdidn’tevendoanything

wrong.AndnowwhereamIsupposedtoplay

myvideogames?

Anyway,IfeltkindofbadforRowley.So

tonight,Itriedtomakeituptohim.Iturned

ononeofRowley’sfavoritetvshows,andI

didaplay-by-playoverthephonesohecould

kindofexperienceitthatway.

wow!lookatthesizeofthatflamethrower!

ohyeah,nevermind.

60

Ididmybesttokeepupwithwhatwasgoingon

onthescreen,buttobehonestwithyou,I’m

notsureifRowleywasgettingthefulleffect.

ibetthispartis

gonnabefunny.

whup!haha!iwasright!

itwasfunny.

Tuesday

Well,Rowley’sgroundingisfinallyover,andjust

intimeforHalloween,too.Iwentuptohis

housetocheckouthiscostume,andIhaveto

admit,I’malittlejealous.

Rowley’sMomgothimthisknightcostumethat’s

WAycoolerthanhiscostumefromlastyear.

61

Hisknightoutfitcamewithahelmetandashield

andarealswordandeVerytHinG.

I’veneverhadastore-boughtcostumebefore.

Istillhaven’tfiguredoutwhatI’mgonnagoas

tomorrownight,soI’ l lprobablyjustthrow

somethingtogetheratthelastminute.Ifigure

maybeI’llbringbacktheToiletPaperMummyagain.

ButIthinkit’ssupposedtoraintomorrow

night,sothatmightnotbethesmartestchoice.

62

Inthepastfewyears,thegrown-upsinmy

neighborhoodhavebeengettingcrankyabout

mylamecostumes,andI’mstartingtothinkit’s

actuallyhavinganeffectontheamountofcandy

I’mbringingin.

what’reyousupposedtobe? acowboy.

doublebaseball

hats

ButIdon’treallyhavetimetoputtogethera

goodcostume,becauseI’minchargeofplanning

outthebestrouteformeandRowleytotake

tomorrownight.

ThisyearI’vecomeupwithaplanthat’ l lgetus

atleasttwicethecandywescoredlastyear.

63

Halloween

Aboutanhourbeforeweweresupposedtostart

trick-or-treating,Istilldidn’thaveacostume.

AtthatpointIwasseriouslythinkingabout

goingasacowboyforthesecondyearinarow.

ButthenMomknockedatmydoorandhanded

meapiratecostume,withaneyepatchanda

hookandeverything.

Rowleyshoweduparound6:30wearinghis

knightcostume,butitdidn’tlookAnytHinG

likeitlookedyesterday.

Rowley’smommadeallthesesafetyimprovements

toit,andyoucouldn’teventellwhathewas

supposedtobeanymore.

64

Shecutoutabigholeinthefrontofthehelmet

sohecouldseebetter,andcoveredhimupinall

thisreflectivetape.Shemadehimwearhiswinter

coatunderneatheverything,andshereplacedhis

swordwithaglowstick.

Igrabbedmypillowcase,andmeandRowley

startedtoheadout.ButMomstoppedusbefore

wecouldgetoutthedoor.

iwantyoutotakemannywithyou!

65

Man,Ishouldhaveknowntherewasacatch

whenMomgavemethatcostume.

ItoldMomtherewasnoWAyweweretaking

Mannywithus,becauseweweregoingtohit152

housesinthreehours.Andplus,weweregoing

tobeonSnakeRoad,whichiswaytoodangerous

foralittlekidlikeManny.

Ishouldneverhavementionedthatlastpart,

becausethenextthingIknew,Momwastelling

Dadhehadtogoalongwithustomakesurewe

didn’tstepfootoutsideourneighborhood.Dad

triedtosquirmoutofit,butonceMommakesup

hermind,there’snowayyoucanchangeit.

slam

slam

66

Beforeweevengotoutofourowndriveway,we

ranintoourneighborMr.Mitchellandhiskid

Jeremy.SoofcoursetHeytaggedalongwithus.

MannyandJeremywouldn’ttrick-or-treatatany

houseswithspookydecorationsonthem,sothat

ruledoutprettymucheveryhouseonourblock.

DadandMr.Mitchellstartedtalkingabout

footballorsomething,andeverytimeoneofthem

wantedtomakeapoint,they’dstopwalking.

blahblahblahblahblahblah

blahblahblahblahblahblah

Sowewerehittingonlyaboutonehouseevery

twentyminutes.

67

Afteracoupleofhours,DadandMr.Mitchell

tookthelittlekidshome.

Iwasglad,becausethatmeantmeandRowley

couldtakeoff.Mypillowcasewasalmostempty,

soIwantedtomakeupasmuchtimeaspossible.

Alittlewhilelater,Rowleytoldmeheneededa

“pottybreak.”Imadehimholdoffforanother

forty-fiveminutes.Butbythetimewegottomy

gramma’shouse,itwasprettyclearthatifIdidn’t

letRowleyusethebathroom,itwasgonnagetmessy.

SoItoldRowleyifhewasn’tbackoutsidein

oneminute,Iwasgonnastarthelpingmyselfto

hiscandy.

68

Afterthat,weheadedbackoutontheroad.

Butitwasalready10:30,andIguessthat’s

whenmostgrown-upsdecideHalloweenisover.

Youcankindoftellbecausethat’swhenthey

startcomingtothedoorintheirpajamasand

givingyoutheevileye.

Wedecidedtoheadhome.Wemadeupalotof

timeafterDadandMannyleft,soIwaspretty

satisfiedwithhowmuchcandywetookin.

Whenwewerehalfwayhome,thispickuptruck

cameroaringdownthestreetwithabunchof

highschoolkidsinit.

69

Thekidinthebackwasholdingafireextinguisher,

andwhenthetruckpassedbyus,heopenedfire.

fwoosh

IhavetogiveRowleycredit,becauseheblocked

about95%ofthewaterwithhisshield.Andif

hehadn’tdonethat,allourcandywouldhave

gottensoaked.

Whenthetruckdroveaway,Iyelledoutsomething

thatIregrettedabouttwosecondslater.

we’recalling

the

cops!

70

Thedriverslammedonthebrakesandheturned

histruckaround.MeandRowleystartedrunning,

butthoseguyswererightonourheels.

TheonlyplaceIcouldthinkofthatwassafe

wasGramma’shouse,sowecutthroughacouple

backyardstogetthere.Grammawasinbed

already,butIknewshekeepsakeyunderthe

matonherfrontporch.

Oncewegotinside,Ilookedoutthewindowtosee

ifthoseguyshadfollowedus,andsureenough,

theydid.Itriedtotrickthemintoleaving,but

theywouldn’tbudge.well,iguessnowthatwe’resafeinourownhouse,

youcan’tgetus!

71

Afterawhile,werealizedtheteenagerswere

goingtowaitusout,sowedecidedwewerejust

gonnahavetospendthenightatGramma’s.

That’swhenwestartedgettingcocky,making

monkeynoisesattheteenagersandwhatnot.

Well,atleastIwasmakingmonkeynoises.

Rowleywaskindofmakingowlnoises,butI

guessitwasthesamegeneralidea.

IcalledMomtotellherweweregoingtocrash

oohooh!eeeeee!ahhahh!

hoo!hoo!

atGramma’sforthenight.ButMomsounded

reallymadonthephone.

Shesaiditwasaschoolnight,andthatwehad

togethomerightthatinstant.Sothatmeant

weweregonnahavetomakearunforit.

72

Ilookedoutthewindow,andthistime,Ididn’t

seethetruck.ButIknewthoseguyswerehiding

somewhereandwerejusttryingtodrawusout.

Sowesnuckoutthebackdoor,hoppedover

Gramma’sfence,andranallthewaytoSnake

Road.Ifiguredourchanceswerebetterthere

becausetherearen’tanystreetlights.

SnakeRoadisscaryenoughonitsownwithout

havingatruckloadofteenagershuntingyou

down.Everytimewesawacarcoming,wedove

intothebushes.Itmust’vetakenusahalf

hourtogo100yards.

73

Butbelieveitornot,wemadeitalltheway

homewithoutgettingcaught.Neitheroneofus

letourguarddownuntilwegottomydriveway.

Butrightthen,therewasthisawfulscream,and

wesawabigwaveofwatercomingtowardus.

ahhhhhhh...

splash

74

Man,IforgotallaboutDad,andwetotally

paidthepriceforit.

whoops!heh,heh.

WhenmeandRowleygotinside,welaidoutall

ourcandyonthekitchentable.

Theonlythingswecouldsalvagewereacoupleof

mintsthatwerewrappedincellophane,andthe

toothbrushesDr.Garrisongaveus.

IthinknextHalloweenI’ l ljuststayhomeand

moochsomeButterfingersfromthebowlMom

keepsontopoftherefrigerator.

75

November

Thursday

Onthebusrideintoschooltoday,wepassedby

Gramma’shouse.Itgotrolledwithtoiletpaper

lastnight,whichIguesswasnobigsurprise.

Idofeelalittlebad,becauseitlookedlikeitwas

gonnatakealongtimetocleanup.Butonthe

brightside,Grammaisretired,sosheprobably

didn’thaveanythingplannedfortodayanyway.

Wednesday

Inthirdperiod,Mr.Underwood,ourPhysEd

teacher,announcedthattheboyswillbedoinga

wrestlingunitforthenextsixweeks.

76

Ifthere’sonethingmostboysinmyschoolare

into,it’sprofessionalwrestling.SoMr.

Underwoodmightaswellhavesetoffabomb.

LunchcomesrightafterPhysEd,andthe

cafeteriawasacompletemadhouse.

Idon’tknowwhattheschoolisthinkinghaving

awrestlingunit.

ButIdecidedifIdon’twanttogettwisted

intoapretzelforthenextmonthandahalf,I’d

betterdomyhomeworkonthiswrestlingbusiness.

77

SoIrentedacoupleofvideogamestolearn

somemoves.Andyouknowwhat?Afterawhile,

Iwasreallystartingtogetthehangofit.

doesthisfeelright? yes!no!

help!

Infact,theotherkidsinmyclasshadbetter

lookout,becauseifIkeepthisup,Icouldbea

realthreat.

78

Thenagain,IbettermakesureIdon’tdo

toogood.ThiskidnamedPrestonMuddgot

namedAthleteoftheMonthforbeingthebest

playerinthebasketballunit,sotheyputhis

pictureupinthehallway.

P.Mudd

AthleteoftheMonth

Ittookpeopleaboutfivesecondstorealizehow

“P.Mudd”soundedwhenyousaiditoutloud,

andafterthat,itwasalloverforPreston.

pee

peemud!

mud!

79

Thursday

Well,Ifoundouttodaythatthekindofwrestling

Mr.Underwoodisteachingiscompletely

differentfromthekindtheydoontv.

Firstofall,wehavetowearthesethingscalled

“singlets,”whichlooklikethosebathingsuits

theyusedtowearinthe1800s.

Andsecondofall,therearenopiledriversor

hittingpeopleovertheheadswithchairsor

anythinglikethat.

There’snotevenaringwithropesaroundit.

It’sjustbasicallyasweatymatthatsmellslike

it’sneverbeenwashedbefore.

80

Mr.Underwoodstartedaskingforvolunteersso

hecoulddemonstratesomewrestlingholds,but

therewasnowayIwasgoingtoraisemyhand.

MeandRowleytriedtohideoutinthebackof

thegymnearthecurtain,butthat’swherethe

girlsweredoingtheirgymnasticsunit.

heeheehee!

Wegotoutofthereinahurry,andwewent

backtowheretherestoftheguyswere.

Mr.Underwoodsingledmeout,probablybecause

I’mthelightestkidintheclass,andhecould

tossmearoundwithoutstraininghimself.He

showedeverybodyhowtodoallthesethings

calleda“halfnelson”anda“reversal”anda

“takedown”andstufflikethat.

81

Whenhewasdoingthisonemovecalledthe

“fireman’scarry,”Ifeltabreezedownbelow,

andIcouldtellmysingletwasn’tdoingagood

jobkeepingmecoveredup.

That’swhenIthankedmyluckystarsthe

girlswereontheothersideofthegym.

Mr.Underwooddividedusupintoweightgroups.

Iwasprettyhappyaboutthatatfirst,

becauseitmeantIwasn’tgoingtohaveto

wrestlekidslikeBennyWells,whocanbench-press

250pounds.

82

ButthenIfoundoutwhoIDiDhavetowrestle,

andIwouldhavetradedforBennyWellsina

heartbeat.greg,you’llbepairedupwithfregleyhere.

Fregleywastheonlykidlightenoughtobeinmy

weightclass.AndapparentlyFregleywaspaying

attentionwhenMr.Underwoodwasgiving

instructions,becausehepinnedmeeverywhichway

youcouldimagine.Ispentmyseventhperiod

gettingWAymorefamiliarwithFregleythanI

everwantedtobe.

tweet!

83

Tuesday

Thiswrestlingunithastotallyturnedourschool

upsidedown.Nowkidsarewrestlinginthehallways,

intheclassrooms,younameit.Butthefifteen

minutesafterlunchwheretheyletusoutsideis

theworst.

Youcan’twalkfivefeetwithouttrippingovera

coupleofkidsgoingatit.Ijusttrytokeep

mydistance.Andmarkmywords,oneofthese

foolsisgoingtorollrightontotheCheeseand

starttheCheeseTouchalloveragain.

84

MyotherbigproblemisthatIhavetowrestle

Fregleyeverysingleday.ButthismorningI

realizedsomething.IfIcanmoveoutof

Fregley’sweightclass,Iwon’thavetowrestle

himanymore.

Sotoday,Istuffedmyclotheswithabunchof

socksandshirtstogetmyselfintothenext

weightclass.

ButIwasstilltoolighttomoveup.

IrealizedIwasgonnahavetogainweightfor

real.AtfirstIthoughtIshouldjuststart

loadinguponjunkfood,butthenIhadamuch

betteridea.

85

Idecidedtogainmyweightinmuscle,notfat.

I’veneverbeenallthatinterestedingettingin

shapebefore,butthiswrestlingunithasmademe

rethinkthings.

IfigureifIbulkupnow,itcouldactuallycome

inhandydowntheroad.

Thefootballunitiscominginthespring,and

theysplittheteamsupintoshirtsandskins.

AndIAlWAysgetputonskins.

Ithinktheydothattomakealltheout-of-shape

kidsfeelashamedofthemselves.

unh!

86

IfIcanpackonsomemusclenow,it’ l lbea

wholedifferentstorynextApril.

Tonight,afterdinner,IgotMomandDad

togetherandtoldthemmyplan.ItoldthemI

wasgoingtoneedsomeseriousexerciseequipment,

andsomeweight-gainpowder,too.

IshowedthemsomemusclemagazinesIgotat

gregheffley,you’reon

skins.

rrippp

thestoresotheycouldseehowrippedIwas

goingtobe.

87

Momdidn’treallysayanythingatfirst,butDad

wasprettyenthusiastic.Ithinkhewasjust

gladIhadachangeofheartfromhowIused

tobewhenIwasakid—ifyouwork

outregularly,

youcanget

bigmuscles!

musclesare

gross!

ButMomsaidifIwantedaweightset,Iwas

goingtohavetoprovethatIcouldstickwith

anexerciseregimen.ShesaidIcoulddothatby

doingsit-upsandjumpingjacksfortwoweeks.

Ihadtoexplainthattheonlywaytoget

totallybulkedupistogetthekindofhigh-tech

machinestheyhaveatthegym,butMomdidn’t

88

ThenDadsaidifIwantedabenchpress,I

shouldkeepmyfingerscrossedforChristmas.

ButChristmasisamonthandahalfaway.And

ifIgetpinnedbyFregleyonemoretime,I’m

gonnahaveanervousbreakdown.

SoitlookslikeMomandDadaren’tgoingtobe

anyhelp.AndthatmeansI’mgoingtohaveto

takemattersintomyownhands,asusual.

Saturday

Icouldn’twaittostartmyweight-training

programtoday.EventhoughMomwouldn’tlet

megettheequipmentIneeded,Iwasn’tgoing

toletthatholdmeback.

89

SoIwentintothefridgeandemptiedoutthe

milkandorangejuiceandfilledthejugswith

sand.ThenItapedthemtoabroomstick,and

Ihadmyselfaprettydecentbarbell.

milk

Afterthat,Imadeabenchpressoutofan

ironingboardandsomeboxes.OnceIhadthat

allset,Iwasreadytodosomeseriouslifting.

Ineededaspottingpartner,soIcalled

Rowley.Andwhenheshowedupatmydoor

wearingsomeridiculousgetup,IknewImade

amistakeinvitinghim.

90

ImadeRowleyusethebenchpressfirst,mostly

becauseIwantedtoseeifthebroomstickwas

goingtoholdup.

Hedidaboutfivereps,andhewasreadyto

quit,butIwouldn’tlethim.That’swhata

goodtrainingpartnerisfor,topushyou

beyondyourlimits.

IknewRowleywasn’tgoingtobeasserious

fifteenmore!comeon!

aboutweightliftingasIwas,soIdecidedto

tryoutanexperimenttotesthisdedication.

InthemiddleofRowley’sset,Iwentandgot

thisphonynoseandmustacheRodrickhasinhis

junkdrawer.

91

AndrightwhenRowleyhadthebarbellinthe

“down”position,Ileanedoverandlookedathim.

Sureenough,Rowleytotallylosthis

concentration.Hecouldn’tevengetthebarbell

offhischest.Ithoughtabouthelpinghimout,

butthenIrealizedthatifRowleydidn’tget

seriousaboutworkingout,hewasnevergoingto

gettomylevel.

fpoooo!

gaspsputter

Ieventuallyhadtorescuehim,becausehestarted

bitingthemilkjugtoletthesandleakout.

92

AfterRowleygotoffthebenchpress,itwas

timeformyset.ButRowleysaidhedidn’tfeel

likeworkingoutanymore,andhewenthome.

Youknow,Ifiguredhe’dpullsomethinglikethat.

ButIguessyoucan’texpecteveryonetohave

thesamekindofdedicationasyou.

Wednesday

TodayinGeographywehadaquiz,andIhave

tosay,I’vebeenlookingforwardtothisonefor

alongtime.

Thequizwasonstatecapitals,andIsitin

thebackoftheroom,rightnexttothisgiant

mapoftheUnitedStates.Allthecapitalsare

writteninbigredprint,soIknewIhadthis

oneinthebag.

93

Butrightbeforethetestgotstarted,Patty

Farrellpipedupfromthefrontoftheroom.

teacher!teacher!

PattytoldMr.Irathatheshouldcoverupthe

UnitedStatesmapbeforewegotstarted.

nicecatch,patty!

SothankstoPatty,Iendedupflunkingthe

quiz.AndIwilldefinitelybelookingforaway

topayherbackforthatone.

94

Thursday

TonightMomcameuptomyroom,andshehada

flyerinherhand.AssoonasIsawit,Iknew

eXActlywhatitwas.

Itwasanannouncementthattheschoolishaving

tryoutsforawinterplay.Man,Ishouldhave

thrownthatthingoutwhenIsawitonthe

kitchentable.

IBeGGeDhernottomakemesignup.Those

schoolplaysarealwaysmusicals,andthelast

thingIneedistohavetosingasoloinfront

ofthewholeschool.

ButallmybeggingseemedtodowasmakeMom

moresureIshoulddoit.

95

MomsaidtheonlywayIwasgoingtobe

“well-rounded”wasbytryingdifferentthings.

Dadcameinmyroomtoseewhatwasgoingon.

ItoldDadthatMomwasmakingmesignupfor

theschoolplay,andthatifIhadtostart

goingtoplaypractices,itwouldtotallymessup

myweight-liftingschedule.

IknewthatwouldmakeDadtakemyside.Dad

andMomarguedforafewminutes,butDadwas

nomatchforMom.

SothatmeanstomorrowI’vegottoaudition

fortheschoolplay.

Friday

Theplaythey’redoingthisyearis“TheWizard

ofOz.”Alotofkidscamewearingcostumesfor

thepartstheyweretryingoutfor.

96

I’veneverevenseenthemovie,soforme,it

waslikewalkingintoafreakshow.

Mrs.Norton,themusicdirector,madeeveryone

sing“MyCountry’ T isofThee”soshecouldhear

oursingingvoices.Ididmysingingtryoutswith

abunchofotherboyswhosemomsmadethem

come,too.Itriedtosingasquietlyaspossible,

butofcourseIgotsingledout,anyway.

whata

lovelysoprano!

97

Ihavenoideawhata“soprano”is,butfrom

thewaysomeofthegirlsweregiggling,Iknew

itwasn’tagoodthing.

Tryoutswentonforever.Thegrandfinalecame

withauditionsforDorothy,whoIguessisthe

leadcharacterintheplay.

AndwhoshouldtryoutfirstbutPattyFarrell.

Ithoughtabouttryingoutforthepartofthe

TapTapTap

TapTapTap

Witch,becauseIheardthatintheplay,the

WitchdoesallsortsofmeanthingstoDorothy.

Butthensomebodytoldmethere’saGoodWitch

andaBadWitch,andwithmyluck,I’dendup

gettingpickedtobethegoodone.

98

Monday

IwashopingMrs.Nortonwouldjustcutmefrom

theplay,buttodayshesaidthateveryonewho

triedoutisgoingtogetapart.Soluckyme.

Mrs.Nortonshowed“TheWizardofOz”movie

soeveryonewouldknowthestory.Iwastrying

tofigureoutwhatpartIshouldplay,but

prettymucheverycharacterhastosingordance

atonepointoranother.Butabouthalfway

throughthemovie,IfiguredoutwhatpartI

wantedtosignupfor.I’mgoingtosignupto

beaTree,because1)theydon’thavetosing

and2)theygettobeanDorothywithapples.

99

GettingtopegPattyFarrellwithapplesin

frontofaliveaudiencewouldbemydreamcome

true.ImayactuallyhavetothankMomfor

makingmedothisplayonceit’sallover.

Afterthemovieended,IsigneduptobeaTree.

Unfortunately,abunchofotherguyshadthe

sameideaasme,soIguesstherearealotof

guyswhohaveabonetopickwithPattyFarrell.

Wednesday

Well,likeMomalwayssays,becarefulwhatyou

wishfor.IgotpickedtobeaTree,butI

don’tknowifthat’ssuchagoodthing.The

Treecostumesdon’tactuallyhavearmholes,so

Iguessthatrulesoutanyapple-throwing.

100

IshouldprobablyfeelluckythatIgota

speakingpartatall.Theyhadtoomanykids

tryingout,andnotenoughroles,sotheyhad

tostartmakingupcharacters.

RodneyJamestriedouttobetheTinMan,but

hegotstuckwithbeingtheShrub.

Friday

RememberhowIsaidIwasluckytogeta

speakingpart?Well,todayIfoundoutIonly

haveonelineinthewholeplay.Isayitwhen

Dorothypicksanappleoffmybranch.

pluck

ouch.

pluck

101

ThatmeansIhavetogotoatwo-hourpractice

everydayjustsoIcansayonestupidword.

I’mstartingtothinkRodneyJamesgotabetter

dealastheShrub.Hefoundawaytosneaka

videogameintohiscostume,andI’ l lbetthat

reallymakesthetimegoby.

beepboopbeepboop

SonowI’mtryingtothinkofwaystogetMrs.

Nortontokickmeoutoftheplay.Butwhen

youonlyhaveonewordtosay,it’sreallyhardto

messupyourlines.

pluck

owwwchhh?

pluck

102

December

Thursday

Theplayisonlyacoupleofdaysaway,andI

havenoideahowwe’regoingtopullthisthingoff.

Firstofall,nobodyhasbotheredtolearntheir

lines,andthat’sallMrs.Norton’sfault.

Duringrehearsal,Mrs.Nortonwhisperseveryone’s

linestothemfromthesideofthestage.

I’llgetyou,mypretty!

Igetthatyou’repretty!

Iwonderhowit’sgoingtogonextTuesday

whenMrs.Nortonissittingatherpianothirty

feetaway.

103

Anotherthingthat’sscrewingeverythingupis

thatMrs.Nortonkeepsaddingnewscenesand

newcharacters.

Yesterday,shebroughtinthisfirst-graderto

playDorothy’sdog,Toto.Buttoday,thekid’s

momcameinandsaidshewantedherchildto

walkaroundontwolegs,becausecrawlingaround

onallfourswouldbetoo“degrading.”

Sonowwe’vegotadogthat’sgonnabewalking

aroundonhishindlegsforthewholeshow.

ButtheworstchangeisthatMrs.Nortonactually

wroteasongthatustreeshavetosing.

Shesaideveryone“deserves”achancetosing

intheplay.

104

Sotodaywespentanhourlearningtheworst

songthat’severbeenwritten.

wethreetrees…

ThankGodRodrickwon’tbeintheaudienceto

seemehumiliatemyself.Mrs.Nortonsaidthe

playisgoingtobea“semiformaloccasion,”and

Iknowthere’snowayRodrickisgoingtowear

atieforamiddleschoolplay.

Buttodaywasn’tallbad.Towardtheendof

practice,ArchieKellytrippedoverRodneyJames

andchippedhistoothbecausehecouldn’tstick

hisarmsouttobreakhisfall.

105

Sothegoodnewsis,they’relettingusTrees

carveoutarmholesfortheperformance.

Tuesday

Tonightwasthebigschoolproductionof“TheWizard

ofOz.”Thefirstsignthatthingswerenotgoingto

gowellhappenedbeforetheplayevenstarted.

Iwaspeekingthrough

thecurtaintocheckout

Gaah!

howmanypeopleshowed

uptoseetheplay,and

guesswhowasstanding

rightupfront?My

brotherRodrick,wearing

aclip-ontie.

106

HemusthavefoundoutIwassinging,andhe

couldn’tresistthechancetoseemeembarrassmyself.

Theplaywassupposedtostartat8:00,butitgot

delayedbecauseRodneyJameshadstagefright.

You’dfigurethatsomeonewhosejobitwastosit

onthestageanddonothingcouldjustsuckitup

foroneperformance.ButRodneywouldn’tbudge,

andeventually,hismomhadtocarryhimoff.

Theplayfinallygotstartedaround8:30.

Nobodycouldremembertheirlines,justlikeI

predicted,butMrs.Nortonkeptthingsmoving

alongwithherpiano.

107

ThekidwhoplayedTotobroughtastoolanda

pileofcomicbooksontothestage,andthat

totallyruinedthewhole“dog”effect.

Whenitwastimefortheforestscene,meand

theotherTreeshoppedintoourpositions.The

curtainsrose,andwhentheydid,Iheard

Manny’svoice.

bubby!

108

Great.Ihavebeenabletokeepthatnickname

quietforfiveyears,andnowallofthesudden

thewholetownknewit.Icouldfeelabout300

pairsofeyeballspointedmyway.

SoIdidsomequickad-libbingandIwasableto

deflecttheembarrassmentovertoArchieKelly.

ithinkyoudroppedan

apple,“bubby.”

Butthemajorembarrassmentwasstillonthe

way.WhenIheardMrs.Nortonplayingthe

firstfewbarsof“WeThreeTrees,”Ifeltmy

stomachjump.

Ilookedoutattheaudience,andInoticed

Rodrickwasholdingavideocamera.

109

IknewthatifIsangthesongandRodrick

recordedit,hewouldkeepthetapeforeverand

useittohumiliatemefortherestofmylife.

Ididn’tknowwhattodo,sowhenthetime

cametostartsinging,Ijustkeptmymouthshut.

wethree treesfrom yonder

glen…

Forafewsecondsthere,thingswentok.I

figuredthatifIdidn’ttechnicallysingthe

song,thenRodrickwouldn’thaveanythingto

holdovermyhead.Butafterafewseconds,the

otherTreesnoticedIwasn’tsinging.

110

Iguesstheymust’vethoughtIknewsomething

thattheydidn’t,sotheystoppedsinging,too.

dospyamaidenfairandsweet…

Nowthethreeofuswerejuststandingthere,

notsayingaword.Mrs.Nortonmusthave

thoughtweforgotthewordstothesong,

becauseshecameovertothesideofthestage

andwhisperedtherestofthelyricstous.

whilstwearerootedtoour

spots,shedothmoveonlighterfeet…

111

Thesongisonlyaboutthreeminuteslong,but

tomeitfeltlikeanhourandahalf.Iwasjust

prayingthecurtainswouldgodownsowecould

hopoffthestage.

That’swhenInoticedPattyFarrellstandingin

thewings.Andiflookscouldkill,usTreeswould

bedead.Sheprobablythoughtwewereruiningher

chancesofmakingittoBroadwayorsomething.

SeeingPattystandingthereremindedmewhyI

signeduptobeaTreeinthefirstplace.

clonk

Prettysoon,therestoftheTreesstarted

throwingapples,too.IthinkTotoevengotin

ontheact.

SomebodyknockedtheglassesoffofPatty’s

head,andoneofthelensesbroke.Mrs.Norton

hadtoshutdowntheplayafterthat,because

Pattycan’tseetwofeetinfrontofher

withoutherglasses.

Aftertheplaywasover,myfamilywenthome

together.Momhadbroughtabouquetofflowers,

andIguesstheyweresupposedtobeforme.

Butsheendeduptossingtheminthetrashcan

onthewayoutthedoor.

Ijusthopethateveryonewhocametoseethe

playwasasentertainedasIwas.

113

Wednesday

Well,ifonegoodthingcameoutoftheplay,it’s

thatIdon’thavetoworryaboutthe“Bubby”

nicknameanymore.

IsawArchieKellygettinghassledinthehallway

afterfifthperiodtoday,soitlookslikeIcan

finallystarttobreathealittleeasier.

hithere,“bubby”!

shove

Sunday

Withallthisstuffgoingonatschool,I

haven’tevenhadtimetothinkaboutChristmas.

Andit’slessthantendaysaway.

114

Infact,theonlythingthattippedmeoff

thatChristmaswascomingwaswhenRodrickput

hiswishlistupontherefrigerator.

Rodrick’sWishList

1.Newdrums2.Newvan3.Shrunkenhead

Iusuallymakeabigwishlisteveryyear,but

thisChristmas,allIreallywantisthisvideo

gamecalledTwistedWizard.

TonightMannywasgoingthroughtheChristmas

catalog,pickingoutallthestuffhewantswith

abigredmarker.Mannywascirclingeverysingle

toyinthecatalog.Hewasevencirclingreally

expensivethingslikeagiantmotorizedcarand

stufflikethat.

115

SoIdecidedtostepinandgivehimsomegood

big-brotherlyadvice.

Itoldhimthatifhecircledstuffthatwas

tooexpensive,hewasgoingtoendupwitha

bunchofclothesforChristmas.Isaidhe

shouldjustpickthreeorfourmedium-priced

giftssohewouldendupwithacoupleof

thingsheactuallywanted.

ButofcourseMannyjustwentbacktocircling

everythingagain.SoIguesshe’lljusthaveto

learnthehardway.

WhenIwasseven,theonlythingIreally

wantedforChristmaswasaBarbieDreamHouse.

AndnotbecauseIlikegirls’toys,like

Rodricksaid.

116

Ijustthoughtitwouldbeareallyawesomefort

formytoysoldiers.

WhenMomandDadsawmywishlistthatyear,

theygotinabigfightoverit.Dadsaidtherewas

nowayhewasgettingmeadollhouse,butMom

saiditwashealthyformeto“experiment”with

whateverkindoftoysIwantedtoplaywith.

Believeitornot,Dadactuallywonthatargument.

Dadtoldmetostartmywishlistoverandpick

sometoysthatweremore“appropriate”forboys.

ButIhaveasecretweaponwhenitcomesto

Christmas.MyUncleCharliealwaysgetsmewhatever

Iwant.ItoldhimIwantedtheBarbieDream

House,andhesaidhe’dhookmeup.

117

OnChristmas,whenUncleCharliegavememy

gift,itwasnotwhatIaskedfor.Hemust’ve

walkedintothetoystoreandpickedupthefirst

thinghesawthathadtheword“Barbie”

onit.

SoifyoueverseeapictureofmewhereI’m

holdingaBeachFunBarbie,nowatleastyou

knowthewholestory.

Dadwasn’trealhappywhenhesawwhatUncle

Charliegotme.Hetoldmetoeitherthrowit

outorgiveitawaytocharity.

ButIkeptitanyway.Andok,Iadmitmaybe

Itookitoutandplayedwithitonceortwice.

118

That’showIendedupintheemergencyroom

twoweekslaterwithapinkBarbieshoestuckup

mynose.Andbelieveme,Rodrickhasneverlet

meheartheendoftHAt.

Thursday

TonightmeandMomwentouttogetagiftfor

theGivingTreeatchurch.TheGivingTreeis

basicallyaSecretSantakindofthingwhereyou

getagiftforsomeonewhoisneedy.

Mompickedoutaredwoolsweaterforour

GivingTreeguy.

ItriedtotalkMomintogettingsomethinga

lotcooler,likeatVoraslushiemachineor

somethinglikethat.

119

BecauseimagineifallyougotonChristmaswas

awoolsweater.

yippee.

I’msureourGivingTreeguywillthrowhissweater

inthetrash,alongwiththetencansofyamswe

senthiswayduringtheThanksgivingFoodDrive.

Christmas

WhenIwokeupthismorningandwentdownstairs,

therewereaboutamilliongiftsundertheChristmas

tree.ButwhenIstarteddiggingaround,there

toss

werehardlyanygiftswithmynameonthem.

toss

120

ButMannymadeoutlikeabandit.HegoteVery

singlethinghecircledinthecatalog,nolie.So

I’llbethe’sgladhedidn’tlistentome.

Ididfindacouplethingswithmynameon

them,buttheyweremostlybooksandsocksand

stufflikethat.

Iopenedmygiftsinthecornerbehindthe

couch,becauseIdon’tlikeopeninggiftsnear

rip

Dad.Wheneversomeoneopensagift,Dadswoops

rightinandcleansupafterthem.

rip

121

IgaveMannyatoyhelicopterandIgave

Rodrickabookaboutrockbands.Rodrickgave

meabook,too,butofcoursehedidn’twrapit.

Thebookhegotmewas“BestofL’ilCutie.”

“L’ilCutie”istheworstcomicinthenewspaper,

andRodrickknowshowmuchIhateit.Ithink

thisisthefourthyearinarowI’vegottena

“L’ilCutie”bookfromhim.

IgaveMomandDadtheirgifts.Igetthem

thesamekindofthingeveryyear,butparents

eatthatstuffup.

thanks.

heh,heh.

122

Therestoftherelativesstartedshowingup

around11:00,andUncleCharliecameatnoon.

UncleCharliebroughtabigtrashbagfullof

gifts,andhepulledmypresentoutofthetop

ofthebag.

Thepackagewastheexactrightsizeandshape

tobeaTwistedWizardgame,soIknewUncle

Charliecamethroughforme.Momgotthecamera

readyandItoreopenmygift.

123

Butitwasjustan8x10pictureofUncleCharlie.

IguessIdidn’tdoagoodjobofhidingmy

disappointment,andMomgotmad.AllIcansay

is,I’mgladI’mstillakid,becauseifIhadto

acthappyaboutthekindsofgiftsgrown-ups

get,Idon’tthinkIcouldpullitoff.

BLESS

iknowtheijustknewyou’d

BLESSTHISHOUSE

perfectplaceforthis!

loveit!

124

Iwentuptomyroomtotakeabreakfora

while.Acoupleminuteslater,Dadknockedonmy

door.Hetoldmehehadmygiftformeoutin

thegarage,andthereasonitwasouttherewas

becauseitwastoobigtowrap.

AndwhenIwalkeddowntothegarage,there

wasabrand-newweightset.

125

Thatthingmusthavecostafortune.Ididn’t

havethehearttotellDadthatIkindoflost

interestinthewholeweight-liftingthingwhen

thewrestlingunitendedlastweek.SoIjust

said“thanks”instead.

IthinkDadwasexpectingmetodropdownand

startdoingsomerepsorsomething,butIjust

excusedmyselfandwentbackinside.

Atabout6:00,alltherelativesclearedout.

IwassittingonthecouchwatchingMannyplay

withhistoys,feelingprettysorryformyself.

ThenMomcameuptomeandsaidthatshe

foundagiftbehindthepianowithmynameon

it,anditsaid,“FromSanta.”

126

TheboxwaswaytoobigforTwistedWizard,but

Mompulledthesame“bigbox”trickonmelast

yearwhenshegotmeamemorycardformy

videogamesystem.

SoIrippedopenthepackageandpulledoutmy

present.Onlythiswasn’tTwistedWizard,

either.Itwasagiantredwoolsweater.

flash

AtfirstIthoughtMomwasplayingsome

kindofpracticaljokeonme,becausethis

sweaterwasthesamekindweboughtforour

GivingTreeguy.

ButMomseemedprettyconfused,too.Shesaid

sheDiDbuymeavideogame,andthatshehad

noideawhatthesweaterwasdoinginmybox.

127

AndthenIfigureditout.ItoldMomthere

musthavebeensomekindofmix-up,andIgot

theGivingTreeguy’sgift,andhegotmine.

Momsaidsheusedthesamekindofwrapping

paperforbothofourgifts,soshemust’ve

writtenthewrongnamesonthetags.

ButthenMomsaidthatthiswasreallyagood

thing,becausetheGivingTreeguywasprobably

reallyhappyhegotsuchagreatgift.

it’sachristmasmiracle!

128

Ihadtoexplainthatyouneedagamesystem

andatVtoplayTwistedWizard,sothegame

wastotallyuselesstohim.

oh.

EventhoughmyChristmaswasnotgoingthat

great,I’msureitwasgoingawholelotworse

fortheGivingTreeguy.

jerks.

Ikindofdecidedtothrowinthetowelforthis

Christmas,andIheadeduptoRowley’shouse.

129

IforgottogetagiftforRowley,soIjust

slappedabowonthe“L’ilCutie”book

Rodrickgaveme.

Andthatseemedtodothetrick.

Rowley’sparentshavealotofmoney,soIcan

alwayscountonthemforagoodgift.

ButRowleysaidthatthisyearhepickedoutmy

gifthimself.Thenhebroughtmeoutsidetoshow

mewhatitwas.

FromthewayRowleywashypinghispresent,I

thoughthemusthavegottenmeabig-screen

tVoramotorcycleorsomething.

130

Butonceagain,Iletmyhopesgettoohigh.

RowleygotmeaBigWheel.IguessIwould

havethoughtthiswasacoolgiftwhenIwasin

thethirdgrade,butIhavenoideawhatI’m

supposedtodowithonenow.

RowleywassoenthusiasticaboutitthatItried

mybesttoactlikeIwashappyanyway.

gee,

thanks!

Wewentbackinside,andRowleyshowedmehis

Christmasloot.

131

HesuregotalotmorestuffthanIdid.He

evengotTwistedWizard,soatleastIcanplay

itwhenIcomeuptohishouse.Thatis,until

Rowley’sdadfindsouthowviolentitis.

Andboy,youhaveneverseensomeoneashappyas

Rowleywithhis“L’ilCutie”book.Hismomsaidit

wastheonlythingonhislistthathedidn’tget.

Well,I’mgladsomeonegotwhatthey

wantedtoday.

it’sachristmasmiracle!

132

NewYear’sEve

Incaseyou’rewonderingwhatI’mdoinginmyroom

at9:00p.m.onNewYear’sEve,letmefillyouin.

Earliertoday,meandMannywerehorsingaroundin

thebasement.Ifoundatinyblackballofthread

onthecarpet,andItoldMannyitwasaspider.

ThenIhelditoverhimpretendinglikeIwas

goingtomakehimeatit.

yaaaah! scream!!squeal!!

RightwhenIwasabouttoletMannygo,he

slappedmyhandandmademedropthethread.

Andguesswhat?Thatfoolswallowedit.

gulp

133

Well,Mannycompletelylosthismind.Heran

upstairstowhereMomwas,andIknewIwas

inbigtrouble.

MannytoldMomImadehimeataspider.I

toldhertherewasnospider,andthatitwas

justatinyballofthread.

sniff

MombroughtMannyovertothekitchentable.

Thensheputaseed,araisin,andagrapeona

plateandtoldMannytopointtothething

thatwastheclosestinsizetothepieceof

threadheswallowed.

134

Mannytookawhiletolookoverthethingson

theplate.

Thenhewalkedovertotherefrigeratorand

pulledoutanorange.

Sothat’swhyIgotsenttobedat7:00and

I’mnotdownstairswatchingtheNewYear’s

EvespecialontV.

Andthat’salsowhymyonlyNewYear’s

resolutionistoneverplaywithMannyagain.

135

January

Wednesday

IfoundawaytohavesomefunwiththeBigWheel

RowleygotmeforChristmas.Icameupwiththis

gamewhereoneguyridesdownthehillandthe

otherguytriestoknockhimoffwithafootball.

shrieeeek!

rumble

rumb

le

rumble

Rowleywasthefirstonedownthehill,andI

wasthethrower.

rumb

le

rumble

It’salothardertohitamovingtargetthanI

thought.Plus,Ididn’tgetalotofpractice.It

tookRowleyliketenminutestowalktheBigWheel

backupthehillaftereverytripdown.

136

Rowleykeptaskingtoswitchplacesandhaveme

betheonewhoridestheBigWheel,butI’mno

fool.Thatthingwashittingthirty-fivemilesan

hour,anditdidn’thaveanybrakes.

doyouwanttohaveaturnnow?(pant,pant)

nothanks...i’mnotas

goodasyou!

Anyway,IneverdidknockRowleyofftheBig

Wheeltoday.ButIguessIhavesomethingto

workatovertherestofChristmasvacation.

Thursday

IwasheadinguptoRowley’stodaytoplayour

BigWheelgameagain,butMomsaidIhadto

finishmyChristmasthank-yousbeforeIwent

outanywhere.

137

IthoughtIcouldjustcrankoutmythank-you

cardsinahalfhour,butwhenitcametoactually

writingthem,mymindwentblank.

Letmetellyou,it’snoteasywritingthank-you

notesforstuffyoudidn’twantinthefirstplace.

Istartedwiththenonclothesitems,becauseI

thoughtthey’dbeeasiest.Butaftertwoor

threecards,IrealizedIwaspracticallywriting

thesamethingeverytime.

SoIwroteupageneralformonthecomputer

withblanksforthethingsthatneededtochange.

Writingthecardsfromtherewasabreeze.

typetype

138

Dear Aunt Lydia, Thank you so much for the awesome encyclopedia !How did you know I wanted that for Christmas?

Ilovethewaythe encyclopedialooksonmy shelf!

AllmyfriendswillbesojealousthatIhavemyveryownencyclopedia.

ThankyouformakingthisthebestChristmasever!

Sincerely, Greg My system worked out pretty well forthe first

couple of gifts, but after that, not so much.Dear AuntLoretta,you so much forthe awesome

pants !How did youknow I wanted

that for

I love theway thepants

onmy legs !

AllmyfriendswillbesojealousthatIhavemyveryownpants.

ThankyouformakingthisthebestChristmas

ever!

Sincerely,

Christmas?

139

Friday

IfinallyknockedRowleyofftheBigWheeltoday,

butitdidn’thappenthewayIexpected.Iwas

tryingtohithimintheshoulder,butImissed,

andthefootballwentunderthefronttire.

Rowleytriedtobreakhisfallbystickingouthis

arms,buthelandedprettyhardonhisleft

flip

hand.Ifiguredhe’djustshakeitoffandget

rightbackonthebike,buthedidn’t.

Itriedtocheerhimup,butallthejokesthat

usuallycrackhimupweren’tworking.

140

SoIknewhemustbehurtprettybad.

hey,lookatme!i’myourdad!

darrdarrdarr.

(sniff)heh,heh.

Monday

Christmasvacationisover,andnowwe’reback

atschool.AndyourememberRowley’sBigWheel

accident?Well,hebrokehishand,andnowhehas

towearacast.Andtoday,everyonewascrowding

aroundhimlikehewasaheroorsomething.

doesitstillhurt?

alittle,iguess. youpoor

thing!

141

ItriedtocashinonsomeofRowley’snew

popularity,butittotallybackfired.

i’mtheonewhobroke

hishand! youmeanie!

AtlunchabunchofgirlsinvitedRowleyoverto

theirtablesotheycouldfeeDhim.

Whatreallyticksmeoffaboutthatisthat

Rowleyisright-handed,andit’shislefthand

that’sbroken.Sohecanfeedhimselfjustfine.

herecomestheairplane!

yum,yum!

142

Tuesday

IrealizedRowley’sinjurythingisapretty

goodracket,soIdecideditwastimeformeto

haveaninjuryofmyown.

Itooksomegauzefromhome,andIwrapped

upmyhandtomakeitlooklikeitwashurt.

it’saraginginfectioncausedbyasplinterthatwas

leftuntreated!

Icouldn’tfigureoutwhythegirlsweren’t

swarmingmeliketheyswarmedRowley,butthen

Irealizedwhattheproblemwas.

See,thecastisagreatgimmickbecauseeveryone

wantstosigntheirnameonit.Butit’snotexactly

easytosigngauzewithapen.

143

SoIcameupwithasolutionthatIthought

wasjustasgood.

wouldyouliketobethefirstone

tosignmysympathysheet?

Thatideawasatotalbust,too.Mybandagedid

endupattractingattentionfromacoupleof

people,butbelieveme,theywerenotthetype

ofpeopleIwasgoingfor.

canIpeekatyour

infection?

go

away.

144

Monday

Lastweekwestartedthethirdquarterat

school,sonowIhaveawholebunchofnew

classes.OneoftheclassesIsignedupforis

somethingcalledIndependentStudy.

IWAnteDtosignupforHomeEconomics2,

becauseIwasprettygoodatHomeEc1.

Butbeinggoodatsewingdoesnotexactlybuy

youpopularitypointsatschool.

hey,look,greghasa

purse!

actually,it’san

embroideredbookbag. ok,

pursie.

Anyway,thisIndependentStudythingisan

experimentthey’retryingoutatourschoolfor

thefirsttime.

145

Theideaisthattheclassgetsassignedaproject,

andthenyouhavetoworkonittogetherwithno

teacherintheroomforthewholequarter.

Thecatchisthatwhenyou’redone,everyone

inyourgroupgetsthesamegrade.Ifoundout

thatRickyFisherisinmyclass,whichcouldbe

abigproblem.

Ricky’sbigclaimtofameisthathe’llpickthe

gumoffthebottomofadeskandchewitifyou

payhimfiftycents.SoIdon’treallyhavehigh

hopesforourfinalgrade.

Tuesday

TodaywegotourIndependentStudyassignment,

andguesswhatitis?Wehavetobuildarobot.

Atfirsteverybodykindoffreakedout,because

wethoughtweweregoingtohavetobuildthe

robotfromscratch.

146

ButMr.Darnelltolduswedon’thavetobuild

anactualrobot.Wejustneedtocomeupwith

ideasforwhatourrobotmightlooklikeand

whatkindsofthingsitwouldbeabletodo.

Thenhelefttheroom,andwewereonourown.

Westartedbrainstormingrightaway.Iwrote

downabunchofideasontheblackboard.

therobotwoulddomyhomeworkdothedishes

makemybreak-fast

brushmyteeth

Everybodywasprettyimpressedwithmyideas,

butitwaseasytocomeupwiththem.AllI

didwaswritedownallthethingsIhate

doingmyself.

Butacoupleofthegirlsgotuptothefrontof

theroom,andtheyhadsomeideasoftheirown.

Theyerasedmylistanddrewuptheirownplan.

147

Theywantedtoinventarobotthatwouldgive

youdatingadviceandhavetentypesoflipgloss

onitsfingertips.

Allusguysthoughtthiswasthestupidestidea

weeverheard.Soweendedupsplittingintotwo

groups,girlsandboys.Theboyswenttothe

othersideoftheroomwhilethegirlsstood

aroundtalking.

Nowthatwehadalltheseriousworkersinone

place,wegottowork.Someonehadtheidea

thatyoucansayyournametotherobotandit

cansayitbacktoyou.

HIBOBITISVERYNICETOMEETYOUBOB.

148

Butthensomeoneelsepointedoutthatyou

shouldn’tbeabletousebadwordsforyour

name,becausetherobotshouldn’tbeableto

curse.Sowedecidedweshouldcomeupwitha

listofallthebadwordstherobotshouldn’tbe

abletosay.

Wecameupwithalltheregularbadwords,but

thenRickyFishercameupwithtwentymorethe

restofushadneverevenheardbefore.

SoRickyendedupbeingoneofthemostvaluable

contributorsonthisproject.

Rightbeforethebellrang,Mr.Darnellcame

backintheroomtocheckonourprogress.He

pickedupthepieceofpaperwewerewritingon

andreaditover.

149

Tomakealongstoryshort,IndependentStudy

iscanceledfortherestoftheyear.

Well,atleastitisforusboys.Soiftherobots

inthefuturearegoingaroundwithcherrylip

glossforfingers,atleastnowyouknowhowit

allgotstarted.

Thursday

Inschooltodaytheyhadageneralassemblyand

showedthemovie“It’sGreattoBeMe,”which

theyshowuseveryyear.

Themovieisallabouthowyoushouldbehappy

withwhoyouareandnotchangeanything

aboutyourself.

150

Tobehonestwithyou,Ithinkthat’sareally

dumbmessagetobetellingkids,especiallythe

onesatmyschool.

it’sgreattobeme!

hahaha!

shove

Lateron,theymadeanannouncementthat

therearesomeopeningsontheSafetyPatrols,

andthatgotmethinking.

IfsomeonepicksonaSafetyPatrol,itcanget

themsuspended.ThewayIfigureit,Icanuse

anyextraprotectionIcanget.

Plus,Irealizedthatmaybebeinginaposition

ofauthoritycouldbegoodforme.

151

canwepleasecrossthe

streetnow?nope.

butwe’vebeenstandinghereforan

hour!

IwentdowntoMr.Winsky’sofficeandsigned

myselfup,andIgotRowleytosignup,too.

IthoughtMr.Winskywouldmakeusdoa

bunchofchin-upsorjumpingjacksorsomething

toprovewewereupforthejob,buthejust

handedusourbeltsandbadgesonthespot.

152

Mr.Winskysaidtheopeningswereforaspecial

assignment.Ourschoolisrightnexttothe

elementaryschool,andthey’vegotahalf-day

kindergartenthere.

Hewantsustowalkthemorningsessionkidshome

inthemiddleoftheday.Irealizedthatmeant

wewouldmisstwentyminutesofPre-Algebra.

Rowleymusthavefiguredthatout,too,because

hestartedtospeakup.ButIgavehimawicked

pinchunderneaththedeskbeforehecouldfinish

hissentence. butwewouldmiss

yahooey!

Icouldn’tbelievemyluck.Iwasgettinginstantbully

protectionandafreepassfromhalfofPre-Algebra,

andIdidn’tevenhavetoliftafinger.

153

Tuesday

TodaywasourfirstdayasSafetyPatrols.Meand

Rowleydon’ttechnicallyhavestationslikeallthe

otherPatrols,sothatmeanswedon’thavetostand

outinthefreezingcoldforanhourbeforeschool.

Butthatdidn’tstopusfromcomingtothe

cafeteriaforthefreehotchocolatetheyhand

outtotheotherPatrolsbeforehomeroom.

clink

Anothergreatperkisthatyougettoshowup

tenminuteslateforfirstperiod.

hel-lo!

154

I’mtellingyou,I’vegotitmadewiththis

SafetyPatrolthing.

At12:15,meandRowleyleftschoolandwalked

thekindergartnershome.Thewholetripateup

forty-fiveminutes,andtherewereonlytwenty

minutesofPre-Algebraleftwhenwegotback.

Walkingthekidshomewasnosweat.Butoneof

thekindergartnersstartedtosmellalittlefunny,

andIthinkmaybehehadanaccidentinhispants.

Hetriedtoletmeknowaboutit,butIjust

staredstraightaheadandkeptwalking.I’ l l

takethesekidshome,butbelieveme,Ididn’t

signupforanydiaperduty.

tugtug

155

February

Wednesday

Todayitsnowedforthefirsttimethiswinter,

andschoolwascanceled.Weweresupposedto

haveatestinPre-Algebra,andI’vekindof

slackedoffeversinceIbecameaSafetyPatrol.

SoIwaspsyched.

IcalledRowleyandtoldhimtocomeover.Meand

himhavebeentalkingaboutbuildingtheworld’s

biggestsnowmanforthepastcoupleofyearsnow.

AndwhenIsaytheworld’sbiggestsnowman,

I’mnotkidding.Ourgoalistogetintothe

“GuinnessBookofWorldRecords.”

156

flash

Buteverytimewe’vegottenseriousaboutgoing

fortherecord,allthesnowhasmelted,and

we’vemissedourwindowofopportunity.Sothis

year,Iwantedtogetstartedrightaway.

WhenRowleycameover,westartedrollingthe

firstsnowballtomakethebase.Ifiguredthe

basewasgoingtohavetobeatleasteightfeet

tallonitsownifwewantedtohaveashotat

breakingtherecord.Butthesnowballgotreal

heavy,andwehadtotakeabunchofbreaksin

betweenrollssowecouldcatchourbreath.

157

grunt!wheeze!

Duringoneofourbreaks,Momcameoutsidetogo

tothegrocerystore,butoursnowballwasblocking

hercarin.Sowegotalittlefreelaboroutofher.

grunt!wheeze!

Afterourbreak,meandRowleypushedthat

snowballuntilwecouldn’tpushitanyfarther.

Butwhenwelookedbehindus,wesawthemess

wehadmade.

158

Thesnowballhadgottensoheavythatittore

upallthesodDadhadjustlaiddownthisfall.

Iwashopingitwouldsnowafewmoreinches

andcoverupourtracks,butjustlikethat,it

stoppedsnowing.

uhoh.

Ourplantobuildtheworld’sbiggestsnowman

wasstartingtofallapart.SoIcameupwitha

betterideaforoursnowball.

Everytimeitsnows,thekidsfromWhirley

Streetuseourhillforsledding,eventhoughthis

isn’ttheirneighborhood.

159

Sotomorrowmorning,whentheWhirleyStreet

kidscomemarchingupourhill,meandRowleyare

goingtoteachthoseguysalesson.

rumble

rumble

Thursday

WhenIwokeupthismorning,thesnowwas

alreadystartingtomelt.SoItoldRowleyto

hurryupandgetdowntomyhouse.

WhileIwaswaitingforRowleytoshowup,I

watchedMannytryingtobuildasnowmanoutof

thepiddlycrumbsofsnowthatwereleftover

fromoursnowball.

160

Itwasactuallykindofpathetic.

patpat

Ireallycouldn’thelpdoingwhatIdidnext.

Unfortunatelyforme,rightatthatmoment,

Dadwasatthefrontwindow.

yaah!

punt

punt

DadwasAlreADymadatmefortearingup

thesod,soIknewIwasinforit.Iheardthe

garagedooropenandIsawDadcomingoutside.

Hemarchedrightoutcarryingasnowshovel,andI

thoughtIwasgoingtohavetomakearunforit.

ButDadwasheadingformysnowball,notme.

Andinlessthanaminute,hereducedallour

hardworktonothing.

162

Rowleycamebyafewminuteslater.Ithoughthe

mightactuallygetakickoutofwhathappened.

ButIguesshehadhisheartsetonrolling

thatsnowballdownthehill,andhewasreally

mad.Butgetthis:Rowleywasmadatmefor

whatDADdid.

ItoldRowleyhewasbeingabigbaby,andwe

gotinashovingmatch.Rightwhenitlookedlike

weweregoingtogetinanall-outfight,wegot

heh,heh.

bap

ambushedfromthestreet.

bap

bap

bap

bap bap

163

Itwasahit-and-runbytheWhirleyStreetkids.

AndifMrs.Levine,myEnglishteacher,was

there,I’msureshewouldhavesaidthewhole

situationwas“ironic.”

Todayatschooltheyannouncedthere’sanopening

forthecartoonistjobintheschoolpaper.There’s

onlyonecomicslot,andupuntilnowthiskidnamed

BryanLittlehasbeenhoggingitalltohimself.

Wednesday

164

Bryanhasthiscomiccalled“WackyDawg,”and

whenitstartedoff,itwasactuallyprettyfunny.

Butlately,Bryan’sbeenusinghisstriptohandle

hispersonalbusiness.Iguessthat’swhythey

gavehimtheaxe.

AssoonasIheardthenews,IknewIhadto

tryout.“WackyDawg”madeBryanLittlea

WackyDawg BryanLittle

Hey,Wacky

Dawg,saysomethin’FUNNY!

Actually,Ihave

somethingserious on

mymindtoday.

SusanLim,ifyouarereadingthis,Bryanisverysorryhekissedyour

bestfriendRachelbehindthelockers.Hehopesyoucanfind it in

yourhearttoforgivehim.

P.S.BarryPalmer,youstilloweBryan

fivedollars,youBUM!

celebrityatourschool,andIwantedtogetin

onsomeofthatkindoffame.

Ihadatasteofwhatit’sliketobefamousat

myschoolwhenIwonhonorablementioninthis

antismokingcontesttheyhad.

165

AllIdidwastraceapicturefromoneof

Rodrick’sheavymetalmagazines,butluckily,no

oneeverfoundout.

ThekidwhowonfirstplaceisnamedChris

Carney.Andwhatkindofticksmeoffisthat

Chrissmokesatleastapackofcigarettesaday.

don’tsmokeoryou’lllooklikeme.

Don’tSmoke.It’sa

Joke.

166

Thursday

MeandRowleydecidedtoteamupanddoa

cartoontogether.Soafterschooltodayhecame

overtomyhouse,andwegottowork.

Webangedoutabunchofcharactersreal

quick,butthatturnedouttobetheeasy

part.Whenwetriedtothinkupsomejokes,

wekindofhitawall.

Ifinallycameupwithagoodsolution.

Imadeupacartoonwherethepunchlineof

everystripis“Zoo-WeeMama ! ”

Thatwaywewouldn’tgetboggeddownwithhaving

towriteactualjokes,andwecouldconcentrateon

thepictures.

167

Forthefirstcoupleofstrips,Ididthewriting

anddrewthecharacters,andRowleydrewthe

boxesaroundthepictures.

Stepona crack,breakyourmomma ’sback!

Yeah,right.

Hey,Timmy,yourmotherslippedonabananapeel,andP.S.sheisdead.

zoo-weemama !

step

Rowleystartedcomplainingthathedidn’thave

enoughtodo,soIlethimwriteafewofthestrips.

168

Buttobehonestwithyou,therewasapretty

obviousdropinqualityonceRowleystarteddoing

thewriting.

Ihavebeenwaitingthreehourstogetahamburger.

F inal ly!One

hamburger,please!

I’msorry,sir,weareallsold out.

z oo -w e em am a !

faint

EventuallyIgotkindofsickofthe“Zoo-Wee

Mama”ideaandIprettymuchletRowleytake

overthewholeoperation.

169

Andbelieveitornot,Rowley’sdrawingskills

areworsethanhiswritingskills.

OopsIsteppedin a pudd l e .

At l e a st i t ’ sn o t a na c i d pudd l e .

Ay-ay-ay!It isanac id

pudd l e !

zoo-weemama!

ItoldRowleymaybeweshouldcomeupwith

somenewideas,buthejustwantedtokeep

writing“Zoo-WeeMamas.”Thenhepackedup

hiscomicsandwenthome,whichwasfinebyme.

Idon’treallywanttobepartneredupwitha

kidwhodoesn’tdrawnoses,anyway.

170

FridayAfterRowleyleftyesterday,Ireallygottoworkonsomecomics.IcameupwiththischaractercalledCreightontheCretin,andIgotonaroll.

creightonthecretinbyGregHeffleyhi,my

nameiscreighton.

noitisn’t.your

nameis“stewart

pid.”

oops.hi,i’mstewpid.harharhar

har!

171

Imust’vebangedouttwentystrips,andI

didn’tevenbreakasweat.

Iwonderwhatisinthiscute

littlebox?

that’snotabox,it’sabrick,youdumbmoron!

oops.ihavebeentryingtoopenitallday.

doctor,couldihaveanewbutt?myoldonehasa

crackinit.

creighton,itoldyouamilliontimes,everyone’sbutthas

acrackinit!

Thegreatthingaboutthese“CreightontheCretin”

comicsisthatwithalltheidiotsrunningaroundmy

school,Iwillneverrunoutofnewmaterial.

ohyeah,iforgot.

172

WhenIgottoschooltoday,Itookmycomics

toMr.Ira’soffice.He’stheteacherwhoruns

theschoolnewspaper.

ButwhenIwenttoturnmystripsin,Isaw

thattherewasapileofcomicsfromotherkids

whoweretryingoutforthejob.

Mostofthemwereprettybad,soIwasn’ttoo

worriedaboutthecompetition.

GirlsRULE!

bytabithacutterand

lisa russel

don’twalknearour lunchtable,tylergreen!

yeah,you’renotevencute!

girlsRULE!

hahahahahahahahaha! girlsRULE!

tripsmack

173

treme k ersI’mgonnadothisradjump.

X S 8 Yodudewatchoutforthattelephone

wireWhateverHereI

goI shoreamglad

Iworemyhelmet.

darnslicebonkouch.

Oneofthecomicswascalled“DumbTeachers,”

anditwaswrittenbythiskidnamedBillTritt.

Billisalwaysindetention,soIguesshehasa

bonetopickwithjustabouteveryteacherinthe

school,includingMr.Ira.

174

SoI’mnottooworriedaboutthechancesof

Bill’scomicgettingin,either.

Therewereactuallyoneortwodecentcomicsin

thebin.ButIslippedthemunderapileof

paperworkonMr.Ira’sdesk.

Hopefully,thoseoneswon’tturnupuntilI’m

inhighschool.

Hey,Mr.Ira,youpooped

yourpantsagain.

Y u hH u h !

NuhUh ! Stink

l ines(fromthepoop.)

slip

175

Thursday

Today,duringmorningannouncements,Igot

thenewsIwashopingfor.

Thepapercameouttodayatlunchtime,and

everyonewasreadingit.

Ireallywantedtopickupacopytoseemy

andthenewcartoonistfortheschoolpaperis...

gregheffley!

nameinprint,butIdecidedtojustplayitcool

forawhileinstead.

176

Isatattheendofthelunchtablesothere

wouldbeplentyofroomformetostartsigning

autographsformynewfans.Butnobodywascoming

overtotellmehowgreatmycomicwas,andI

startedtogetthefeelingsomethingwaswrong.

Igrabbedapaperandwentintothebathroom

tocheckitout.AndwhenIsawmycomic,I

practicallyhadaheartattack.

Mr.Iratoldmehehadmadesome“minor

edits”tomycomic.Ithoughthejustmeanthe

hefixedspellingmistakesandstufflikethat,but

hetotallybutcheredit.

Thecomicheruinedwasoneofmyfavoriteones,

too.Intheoriginal,CreightontheCretinistaking

amathtest,andheaccidentallyeatsit.Andthen

theteacheryellsathimforbeingsuchamoron.

177

BythetimeMr.Irawasdonewithit,you

practicallycouldn’trecognizeitasthesamestrip.

SoI’mprettysureIwon’tbesigningautographs

anytimesoon.

CreightontheCuriousStudentbyGregoryHeffleyTeacher,ifx+43=89,thenwhatwouldxbe?

Creighton,xwouldbe46!

Thanks.Kids, ifyouwant to learnmoreaboutmath,besuretovisitMr.Humphreyduringhisofficehours.Orvisit thelibraryandcheckout thenewlyexpandedMathandSciencesection!

shove

teacher’spet!

shove

178

March

Wednesday

MeandRowleywereenjoyingourhotchocolate

inthecafeteriawiththerestofthePatrols

today,andtherewasanannouncementonthe

loudspeaker.

RowleywentdowntoMr.Winsky’soffice,and

whenRowleycamebackfifteenminuteslater,he

lookedprettyshakenup.

rowleyjefferson,reporttomr.winsky’soffice

immediately.

ApparentlyMr.Winskygotacallfromaparent

whosaidtheywitnessedRowley“terrorizing”

thekindergartnerswhenhewassupposedtobe

walkingthemhomefromschool.AndMr.Winsky

wasreallymadaboutit.

179

RowleysaidMr.Winskyyelledathimforabout

tenminutesandsaidhisactions“disrespected

thebadge.”

Youknow,IthinkImightjustknowwhatthis

isallabout.Lastweek,Rowleyhadtotakea

quizduringfourthperiod,soIwalkedthe

kindergartnershomeonmyown.

Ithadrainedthatmorning,andtherewerea

lotofwormsonthesidewalk.SoIdecidedto

havesomefunwiththekids.

eeeeeeee!! !

180

ButsomeneighborhoodladysawwhatIwas

doing,andsheyelledatmefromherfrontporch.

ItwasMrs.Irvine,whoisfriendswithRowley’s

mom.ShemusthavethoughtIwasRowley,

becauseIwasborrowinghiscoat.AndIwasn’t

abouttocorrecther,either.

rowleyjefferson,theprincipalisgoingtohearaboutthis!

yes,ma’am.

Iforgotaboutthewholeincidentuntiltoday.

Anyway,Mr.WinskytoldRowleyhe’sgoingto

havetoapologizetothekindergartnerstomorrow

morning,andthathe’ssuspendedfromPatrols

foraweek.

181

IknewIshouldprobablyjusttellMr.Winskyit

wasmewhochasedthekidswiththeworms.But

Iwasn’treadytosettherecordstraightjust

yet.IknewifIconfessed,I’dlosemyhot

chocolateprivileges.Andthatrighttherewas

enoughtomakemekeepquietforthetimebeing.

Atdinnertonight,Momcouldtellsomething

wasbotheringme,soshecameuptomyroom

afterwardtotalk.

ItoldherIwasinatoughsituation,andI

didn’tknowwhattodo.

IgottogiveMomcreditforhowshehandled

it.Shedidn’ttrytopryandgetallthedetails.

AllshesaidwasthatIshouldtrytodothe

“rightthing,”becauseit’sourchoicesthatmake

uswhoweare.

182

Ifigurethat’sprettydecentadvice.ButI’mstill

not100%surewhatI’mgoingtodotomorrow.

Thursday

Well,Iwasupallnighttossingandturning

overthisRowleysituation,butIfinallymade

upmymind.Idecidedtherightthingtodo

wastojustletRowleytakeonefortheteam

thistimearound.

i’msorryiterrorized

youchildren.

Onthewayhomefromschool,Icamecleanwith

Rowleyandtoldhimthewholetruthaboutwhat

happened,andhowitwasmewhochasedthe

kidswiththeworms.

183

ThenItoldhimtherewerelessonswecould

bothlearnfromthis.ItoldhimIlearnedtobe

morecarefulaboutwhatIdoinfrontofMrs.

Irvine’shouse,andthathelearnedavaluable

lesson,too,whichisthis:Becarefulaboutwho

youlendyourcoatto.

Tobehonestwithyou,mymessagedidn’tseem

tobegettingthroughtoRowley.

Weweresupposedtohangoutafterschool

iguessthishasbeenalearningexperienceforbothofus!

today,buthesaidhewasjustgoingtogohome

andtakeanap.

Icouldn’treallyblamehim.BecauseifIdidn’t

havemyhotchocolatethismorning,Iwouldn’t

havehadmuchenergy,either.

184

WhenIgothome,Momwaswaitingformeat

thefrontdoor.

Momtookmeouttogetsomeicecreamasaspecial

treat.Andwhatthiswholeepisodehastaughtme

isthateveryonceinawhile,it’snotsuchabad

ideatolistentoyourmother.

didyoudotheright

thing?yeah!

slurp

185

Tuesday

Therewasanotherannouncementontheloudspeaker

today,andtobehonestwithyou,Ikindof

figuredthisonewascoming.

IknewitwasjustamatteroftimebeforeI

gotbustedforwhathappenedlastweek.

WhenIgottoMr.Winsky’soffice,hewas

gregheffley,pleasereporttomr.

winsky’soffice.

sipppp...

reallymad.Mr.Winskytoldmethatan

“anonymoussource”hadinformedhimthatI

wastherealculpritintheworm-chasingincident.

ThenhetoldmeIwasrelievedofmySafety

Patrolduties“effectiveimmediately.”

186

Well,itdoesn’ttakeadetectivetofigureout

thattheanonymoussourcewasRowley.

Ican’tbelieveRowleywentandbackstabbed

melikethat.WhileIwassittingtheregetting

chewedoutbyMr.Winsky,Iwasthinking,I

needtoremembertogivemyfriendalecture

aboutloyalty.

Laterontoday,RowleygotreinstatedasaPatrol.

Andgetthis:HeactuallygotaPromotion.

Mr.WinskysaidRowleyhad“exhibiteddignity

underfalsesuspicion.”

187

IthoughtaboutreallylettingRowleyhaveit

forrattingmeoutlikethat,butthenI

realizedsomething.

InJune,alltheofficersintheSafetyPatrols

goonatriptoSixFlags,andtheygettotake

alongonefriend.IneedtomakesureRowley

knowsI’mhisguy.

Tuesday

letmegetthisforyou,

“captain”!

LikeIsaidbefore,theworstpartofgetting

kickedoffSafetyPatrolsislosingyourhot

chocolateprivileges.

Everymorning,Igotothebackdoorofthe

cafeteriasoRowleycanhookmeup.

188

Buteithermyfriendhasgonedeaforhe’stoo

busykissingtheotherofficers’buttstonoticeme

atthewindow.

Infact,nowthatIthinkofit,Rowleyhasbeen

totallygivingmethecoldshoulderlately.And

that’sreallylame,becauseifIrecallcorrectly,

He’stheonethatsoldmeout.

EventhoughRowleyhasbeenatotaljerklately,

Itriedtobreaktheicewithhimtoday,anyway.

Buteventhatdidn’tseemtowork.

psst!psst!

hi,pal!

189

April

Friday

Eversincethewormincident,Rowleyhasbeen

hangingoutwithCollinLeeeverydayafterschool.

WhatreallystinksisthatCollinissupposedto

bemybackupfriend.

Thoseguysareactingtotallyridiculous.Today,

RowleyandCollinwerewearingthesematching

T-shirts,anditmademejustaboutwanttovomit.

Afterdinnertonight,IsawRowleyandCollin

walkingupthehilltogether,chummingitup.

best

friends

190

Collinhadhisovernightbag,soIknewthey

weregoingtodoasleepoveratRowley’s.

AndIthought,Well,twocanplayattHAt

game.ThebestwaytogetbackatRowleywas

togetanewbestfriendofmyown.But

unfortunately,theonlypersonwhocametomind

rightatthatmomentwasFregley.

IwentuptoFregley’swithmyovernightbagso

RowleycouldseeIhadotherfriendoptions,too.

WhenIgotthere,Fregleywasinhisfront

yardstabbingakitewithastick.That’swhen

Istartedtothinkmaybethiswasn’tthebest

ideaafterall.

pantpant

pant

pantpant

pant

191

ButRowleywasinhisfrontyard,andhewas

watchingme.SoIknewtherewasnoturningback.

IinvitedmyselfintoFregley’shouse.Hismomsaid

shewasexcitedtoseeFregleywitha“playmate,”

whichwasatermIwasnottooenthusiasticabout.

MeandFregleywentupstairstohisroom.

FregleytriedtogetmetoplayTwisterwith

him,soImadesureIstayedtenfeetaway

fromhimatalltimes.

IdecidedthatIshouldjustpulltheplugon

thisstupidideaandgohome.ButeverytimeI

lookedoutthewindow,RowleyandCollinwere

stillinRowley’sfrontyard.

192

Ididn’twanttoleaveuntilthoseguyswentback

inside.Butthingsstartedtogetoutofhandwith

Fregleyprettyquickly.WhenIwaslookingoutthe

window,Fregleybrokeintomybackpackandatethe

wholebagofjellybeansIhadinthere.

Fregley’soneofthesekidswho’snotsupposed

toeatanysugar,sotwominuteslater,hewas

bouncingoffthewalls.

Fregleystartedactinglikeatotalmaniac,and

hechasedmeallaroundhisupstairs.

Ikeptthinkinghewasgoingtocomedownoff

ofhissugarhigh,buthedidn’t.Eventually,I

lockedmyselfinhisbathroomtowaithimout.

193

Around11:30,itgotquietoutinthehallway.

That’swhenFregleyslippedapieceofpaper

underthedoor.

Ipickeditupandreadit.

DearGregory,

I’mverysorryIchased you with

aboogeronmyfinger.Here,Iputiton

slip

aboogeronmyfinger.Here,Iputiton

this paper soyoucan get meback.

194

That’sthelastthingIrememberbeforeI

blackedout.

Icametomysensesafewhourslater.AfterI

wokeup,Icrackedthedooropen,andIheard

snoringcomingfromFregley’sroom.SoIdecided

tomakearunforit.

MomandDadwerenothappywithmeforgetting

themoutofbedat2:00inthemorning.Butby

thatpoint,Icouldreallycareless.

clack

195

Monday

Well,meandRowleyhaveofficiallybeenex-friends

foraboutamonthnow,andtobehonestwith

you,I’mbetteroffwithouthim.

I’mgladIcanjustdowhateverIwantwithout

havingtoworryaboutcarryingallthatdead

weightaround.

LatelyI’vebeenhangingoutinRodrick’sroom

afterschoolandgoingthroughhisstuff.Theother

day,Ifoundoneofhismiddleschoolyearbooks.

Rodrickwroteoneverybody’spictureinhis

yearbook,soyoucantellhowhefeltaboutall

thekidsinhisgrade.

196

Everyonceinawhile,IseeRodrick’soldclassmates

aroundtown.AndIhavetoremembertothank

Rodrickformakingchurchalotmoreinteresting.

Jerk Jerk Cool

jerk.

ButthepageinRodrick’syearbookthat’s

reallyinterestingistheClassFavoritespage.

That’swheretheyputpicturesofthekidswho

getvotedMostPopularandMostTalentedand

allthat.

197

RodrickwroteonhisClassFavoritespage,too.

Youknow,thisClassFavoritesthinghasreally

gotmygearsturning.

IfyoucangetyourselfvotedontotheClass

Favoritespage,you’repracticallyanimmortal.

Evenifyoudon’tliveuptowhatyougot

MOSTLIKELYTOSUCCEED

Netd

BillWatson KathyNguyen

pickedfor,itdoesn’treallymatter,becauseit’s

onpermanentrecord.

PeoplestilltreatBillWatsonlikehe’ssomething

special,eventhoughheendedupdroppingoutof

highschool.

198

WestillrunintohimattheFoodBarnevery

onceinawhile.

Sohere’swhatI’mthinking:Thisschoolyear

hasbeenkindofabust,butifIcangetvoted

asaClassFavorite,I’llgooutonahighnote.

I’vebeentryingtothinkofacategoryIhave

ashotat.MostPopularandMostAthleticare

willthatbepaperor

plastic,ma’am?

definitelyout,soI’mgoingtohavetofind

somethingthat’salittlebitmoreinreach.

AtfirstIthoughtmaybeIshouldwearreally

niceclothesfortherestoftheyearsoIcan

getBestDressed.

199

ButthatwouldmeanIwouldhavetogetmy

picturetakenwithJennaStewart,andshe

dresseslikeaPilgrim.

Wednesday

LastnightIwaslyinginbed,andithitme:I

shouldgoforClassClown.

It’snotlikeI’mknownforbeingrealfunnyat

schooloranything,butifIcanpulloffonebig

prankrightbeforevoting,thatcoulddoit.

yeeoww!

yeeoww!

thumbtack

MayThursdayTodayIwastryingtofigureouthowIwas

goingtosneakathumbtackontoMr.Worth’s

chairinHistorywhenhesaidsomethingthat

mademerethinkmyplan.

Mr.Worthtoldushehasadentist’s

appointment

tomorrow,sowe’regoingtohavea

substitute.

Subsarelikecomicgold.Youcansayjust

about

anythingyouwant,andyoucan’tgetin

trouble.

gregheffley,willyoupleasedothisproblem?

yourmama!

excuseme?yourbig

fannygranny!

well,ihardlythinkthat’s...

yourslap-happy

grandpappy!

201

Friday

IwalkedintomyHistoryclasstoday,ready

toexecutemyplan.ButwhenIgottothe

door,guesswhothesubstituteteacherwas?

Ofallthepeopleintheworldtobeoursub

today,itwasMom.IthoughtMom’sdaysof

gettinginvolvedatmyschoolwereover.

hi,honeybunches!

Sheusedtobeoneofthoseparentswhocame

intohelpoutintheclassroom.Butthatall

changedafterMomvolunteeredtobea

chaperoneforourfieldtriptothezoowhen

Iwasinthirdgrade.

202

Momhadpreparedallsortsofmaterialtohelpus

kidsappreciatethedifferentexhibits,butall

anyonewantedtodowaswatchtheanimalsgo

tothebathroom.

Anyway,MomtotallyfoiledmyplantowinClass

Clown.I’mjustluckythere’snotacategory

calledBiggestMama’sBoy,becauseaftertoday,

I’dwinthatoneinalandslide.

heeheeheehee!

elephants

youforgotyourlunch

athome!

203

Wednesday

Theschoolpapercameoutagaintoday.Iquit

myjobasschoolcartoonistafter“Creightonthe

CuriousStudent”cameout,andIdidn’treally

carewhotheypickedtoreplaceme.

Buteveryonewaslaughingatthecomicspageat

lunch,soIpickedupacopytoseewhatwasso

funny.AndwhenIopeneditup,Icouldn’t

believemyeyes.

Itwas“Zoo-WeeMama.”AndofcourseMr.Ira

didn’tchangeasinglewordofRowley’sstrip.

Zoo-WeeMama byRowley Jefferson

Hey beautifulladydoyouwanttogoonadate

withme?

IamnotaladyIamjustoneofthosedogswith long hairso no thankstothatdate.

zoo-weemama!

204

SonowRowley’sgettingallthefamethatwas

supposedtobemine.

EventheteachersarekissingRowley’sbutt.I

almostlostmylunchwhenMr.Worthdroppedhis

chalkinHistoryclass—

willyouputusinyourcomic?

sure!heh,heh.

zoo-weemama!

hahaha!

hahaha!

205

Monday

This“Zoo-WeeMama”thinghasreallygotme

workedup.Rowleyisgettingallthecreditfora

comicthatwecameupwithtogether.Ifigured

theleasthecoulddowasputmynameonthe

stripastheco-creator.

SoIwentuptoRowleyafterschoolandtold

himthat’swhathewasgonnahavetodo.But

Rowleysaid“Zoo-WeeMama”wasallHisidea

andthatIdidn’thaveanythingtodowithit.

Iguesswemust’vebeentalkingprettyloud,

becausethenextthingyouknew,weattracted

acrowd.

fight!fight!fight!

fight!fight!fight!

206

ThekidsatmyschoolareAlWAysitchingto

seeafight.MeandRowleytriedtowalkaway,

butthoseguysweren’tgoingtoletusgountil

theysawusthrowsomepunches.

I’veneverbeeninarealfightbefore,soIdidn’t

knowhowIwassupposedtostandorholdmy

fistsoranything.AndyoucouldtellRowley

didn’tknowwhathewasdoingeither,becausehe

juststartedprancingaroundlikealeprechaun.

IwasprettysureIcouldtakeRowleyina

fight,butthethingthatmademenervouswas

thefactthatRowleytakeskarate.Idon’tknow

whatkindofhocus-pocustheyteachinRowley’s

karateclasses,butthelastthingIneededwas

forhimtolaymeoutrightthereontheblacktop.

207

BeforemeorRowleymadeamove,therewasa

screechingsoundintheschoolparkinglot.A

bunchofteenagershadstoppedtheirpickup

truck,andtheystartedpilingout.

Iwasjusthappythateveryone’sattentionwas

ontheteenagersinsteadofmeandRowley.But

alltheotherkidstookoffwhentheteenagers

startedheadingourway.

AndthenIrealizedthattheseteenagers

lookedawfullyfamiliar.

That’swhenithitme.Thesewerethesame

guyswhochasedmeandRowleyaroundon

Halloweennight,andtheyhadfinallycaughtup

withus.

208

Butbeforewecouldmakearunforit,wehadour

armspinnedbehindourbacks.

Thoseguyswantedtoteachusalessonfor

tauntingthemonHalloweennight,andthey

startedarguingoverwhattheyshoulddowithus.

Buttobehonestwithyou,Iwasmoreconcerned

aboutsomethingelse.TheCheesewasonlyafew

feetfromwherewewerestandingontheblacktop,

anditwaslookingnastierthanever.

209

Thebigteenagermusthavecaughtmyeye,

becausethenextthingIknew,hewaslooking

attheCheese,too.AndIguessthatgavehim

theideahewaslookingfor.

Rowleygotsingledoutfirst.Thebigkidgrabbed

RowleyanddraggedhimovertotheCheese.

Now,Idon’twanttosayexactlywhathappened

next.BecauseifRowleyevertriestorunfor

Presidentandsomeonefindsoutwhattheseguys

madehimdo,hewon’thaveachance.

SoI’llputittoyouthisway:TheymadeRowley

_theCheese.

sputtergasp

sputtergaspgag

210

Iknewtheyweregonnamakemedoit,too.I

startedtopanic,becauseIknewIwasn’tgoing

tobeabletofightmywayoutofthissituation.

SoIdidsomefasttalkinginstead.

Andbelieveitornot,itactuallyworked.

iwould,buti’mallergictodiary!

you’relucky,punk! iknow,

iknow!

211

Iguesstheteenagersweresatisfiedtheyhad

madetheirpoint,becauseaftertheymade

RowleyfinishofftherestoftheCheese,they

letusgo.Theygotbackintheirtruckand

tookoffdowntheroad.

MeandRowleywalkedhometogether.Butneither

oneofusreallysaidanythingonthewayback.

IthoughtaboutmentioningtoRowleythat

maybehecouldhavepulledoutacoupleofhis

karatemovesbackthere,butsomethingtoldme

toholdoffonthatthoughtforrightnow.

shuddershudder

212

Tuesday

Atschooltoday,theteachersletusoutside

afterlunch.

Ittookaboutfivesecondsforsomeoneto

realizetheCheesewasmissingfromitsspoton

theblacktop.

Everybodycrowdedaroundtolookatwherethe

heyyyyyyyyy!

Cheeseusedtobe.Nobodycouldbelieveitwas

actuallygone.

Peoplestartedcomingupwiththesecrazytheories

aboutwhathappenedtoit.Somebodysaidthat

maybetheCheesegrewlegsandwalkedaway.

213

Ittookallmyself-controltokeepmymouth

shut.AndifRowleywasn’tstandingright

there,Ihonestlydon’tknowifIcouldhave

keptquiet.

Acoupleoftheguyswhowerearguingoverwhat

happenedtotheCheesewerethesameoneswho

wereeggingmeandRowleyonyesterdayafternoon.

SoIknewitwasn’tgoingtobelongbefore

someoneputtwoandtwotogetherandfiguredout

thatwemusthavehadsomethingtodowithit.

mmf!

Rowleywasstartingtopanic,andIdon’t

blamehim,either.Ifthetruthevercameout

abouthowtheCheesedisappeared,Rowleywould

befinished.He’dhavetomoveoutofthestate,

andmaybeeventhecountry.

214

That’swhenIdecidedtospeakup.

ItoldeveryonethatIknewwhathappenedto

theCheese.IsaidIwassickofitbeingonthe

blacktop,andIjustdecidedtogetridofitonce

andforall.

Forasecondthere,everyonejustfroze.I

thoughtpeopleweregoingtostartthankingme

forwhatIdid,butboy,wasIwrong.

IreallywishIhadwordedmystoryalittle

differently.BecauseifIthrewawaytheCheese,

guesswhatthatmeant?ItmeantthatIhave

theCheeseTouch.

scream! scream!

215

June

Friday

Well,ifRowleyappreciatedwhatIdidforhim

lastweek,hehasn’tsaidit.Butwe’vestarted

hangingoutafterschoolagain,soIguessthat

meansmeandhimarebacktonormal.

Icanhonestlysaythatsofar,havingthe

CheeseTouchhasn’tbeenallthatbad.

ItgotmeoutofdoingtheSquareDanceunit

diaperrashahead! bwaahahaha!

inPhysEd,becausenoonewouldpartnerup

withme.AndI’vehadthewholelunchtableto

myselfeveryday.

Todaywasthelastdayofschool,andthey

handedoutyearbooksaftereighthperiod.

216

IflippedtotheClassFavoritespage,and

here’sthepicturethatwaswaitingforme.

AllIcansayis,ifanyonewantsafreeyearbook,

theycandigoneoutofthetrashcaninthe

CLASSCLOWN

RowleyJefferson

ZOO-WEE

MAMA!

backofthecafeteria.

Youknow,RowleycanhaveClassClownforallI

care.Butifheevergetstoobigforhisbritches,

I’ l ljustremindhimthathewastheguywhoate

the.

217