ForFrankie,theboywiththebeautifulsmile.

Contents

TitlePageDedication1-Prawn-Cocktail-CrispBreath2-AVerySpecialLittleGirl3-Nuffink4-DirtyBusiness5-Droppings6-Rat-a-tat-tat7-AnimalSmuggling8-BreadSandwich9-OneShoe10-TheMidget11-TheBlackDeath12-InstantSuspension13-Burt’sBurgers14-ABogieontheCeiling15-Ten-TonneTruck16-TheBlackberryBush17-“ISmellaRat!”18-“Pulverisation”19-TheGreatEscape20-TugofWar21-SizzlingBottom22-FreeSpit23-ThePulverisationMachine!24-Childburger25-Roadkill26-TheExecutioner&Axe27-AHoleintheFence28-RatPoison29-PinkFurrySlippers30-Room-mates

31-RichandFamousRat32-ActuallyTooMuchFudgeEpiloguePreviouslybyDavidWalliams:CopyrightAboutthePublisher

Thankyous:Iwouldliketothankthefollowingpeople, inorderofimportance:Ann-JanineMurtagh,mybossatHarperCollins.Iloveyou,Iadoreyou.Thankyousomuchforbelievinginme,butmostofall,thankyouforbeingyou.Nick Lake, my editor. You know I think you are the absolute best in the

business, but also thank you somuch for helpingmeNOTONLY grow as awriter,butalsoasaman.Paul Stevens, my literary agent. I wouldn’t pay you 10% plus VAT for

makingafewphonecallsifIdidn’tfeelcompletelyblessedtoberepresentedbyyou.TonyRoss.You are themost talented illustrator in the price rangewe had

available.Thankyou.JamesStevensandElorineGrant,thedesigners.Thanks.LilyMorgan,thecopyeditor.Cheers.SamWhite, the publicitymanager.Geraldine Stroud, the publicity director.

Ta.

Meetthecharactersinthisstory:

hehamsterwasdead.Onhisback.Legsintheair.Dead.With tears runningdownher cheeks,Zoeopened the cage.Her handswere

shaking and her heart was breaking.As she laidGingernut’s little furry bodydownontheworncarpet,shethoughtshewouldneversmileagain.“Sheila!” called Zoe, as loudly as she could. Despite her father’s repeated

pleas,Zoerefusedtocallherstepmother‘Mum’.Sheneverhad,andshevowedtoherselfthatsheneverwould.NoonecouldreplaceZoe’smum–notthatherstepmotherevereventried.“Shutyaface.I’mwatchin’TVandstuffin’meself!”camethewoman’sgruff

voicefromthelounge.“It’sGingernut!”calledZoe.“He’snotwell!”Thiswasanunderstatement.Zoehadonceseenahospitaldramaonthetellywhereanursetriedtorevivea

dyingoldman,soshedesperatelyattemptedtogiveherhamstermouth-to-mouthresuscitation by blowing very gently into his open mouth. That didn’t work.Neither did connecting the rodent’s little heart to anAA batterywith a paperclip.Itwasjusttoolate.Thehamsterwascoldtothetouch,andhewasstiff.“Sheila!Pleasehelp…!”shoutedthelittlegirl.AtfirstZoe’stearscamesilently,beforesheletoutagiganticcry.Finallyshe

heardherstepmothertrudgereluctantlydownthehallofthelittleflat,whichwassituated high up on the 37th floor of a leaning tower block. Thewomanmadehugeeffortnoiseswhenevershehadtodoanything.ShewassolazyshewouldorderZoetopickhernoseforher,thoughofcourseZoealwayssaid‘no’.SheilacouldevenletoutagroanwhilechangingchannelswiththeTVremote.“Eurgh,eurgh,eurgh,eurgh…”huffedSheilaasshethundereddownthehall.

Zoe’sstepmotherwasquiteshort,butshemadeupforitbybeingaswideasshewastall.

Shewas,inaword,spherical.SoonZoecouldsense thewomanstanding in thedoorway,blockingout the

lightfromthehalllikealunareclipse.What’smore,Zoecouldsmellthesicklysweetaromaofprawncocktail crisps.Her stepmother loved them. In fact, sheboastedthatfromwhenshewasatoddlershehadrefusedtoeatanythingelse,andspatanyother foodback inhermum’s face.Zoe thought thecrispsstank,andnotevenofprawns.Ofcoursethewoman’sbreathabsolutelyreekedofthemtoo.

Even now, as she stood in the doorway, Zoe’s stepmother was holding apacketof thenoxioussnackwithonehandandfeedingherfacewith theotherwhileshesurveyedthescene.Asalways,shewaswearingalonggrubbywhiteT-shirt, black leggings and furry pink slippers. The bits of skin that wereexposedwerecoveredintattoos.Herarmsborethenamesofherex-husbands,allsincecrossedout:

“Ohdear,”thewomanspat,hermouthfullofcrisps.“Ohdear,ohdear,howveryverysad.It’s’eartbreakin’.Thepoorlittlefinghassnuffedit!”Sheleanedoverher little stepdaughterandpeereddownat thedeadhamster.Shesprayedthecarpetwithhalf-chewedpiecesofcrispasshespoke.“Dear oh dear oh dear and all dat stuff,” she added, in a tone that did not

soundevenremotelysad.Justthenalargepieceofhalf-chewedcrispsprayedfromSheila’smouthonto

thepoorthing’slittlefluffyface.Itwasamixtureofcrispsandspit1.Zoewipeditawaygently,asateardroppedfromhereyeontohiscoldpinknose.“’Ere, Igotagreat idea!”saidZoe’sstepmother.“I’ll just finishdesecrisps

andyacanshovethelittlefingindebag.Iwon’ttouchitmeself.Idon’twannacatchsummink.”Sheila lifted the bag above her mouth and poured the last of the prawn

cocktail crisp crumbles down her greedy throat. The woman then offered herstepdaughtertheemptybag.“Dereyago.Bungitin’ere,quick.Beforeitstinksdewholeflatout.”Zoealmostgaspedattheunfairnessofwhatthewomanhadjustsaid.Itwas

her fat stepmother’s prawn-cocktail-crisp breath that stank the place out! Herbreathcouldstrippaint.Itcouldshearthefeathersoffabirdandmakeitbald.Ifthewindchangeddirection,youwouldgetanastywaftofherbreathinatowntenmilesaway.“IamnotburyingmypoorGingernutinacrisppacket,”snappedZoe.“Idon’t

knowwhyIcalledforyouinthefirstplace.Pleasejustgo!”“For goodness’ sake, girl!” shouted thewoman. “Iwas only trying to ’elp.

Ungratefullittlewretch!”“Well, you’re not helping!” shouted Zoe, without turning round. “Just go

away!Please!”

Sheila thunderedoutof the roomandslammed thedoorsohard thatplasterfellfromtheceiling.Zoe listened as the woman she refused to call ‘Mum’ trudged back to the

kitchen,nodoubttoripopenanotherfamily-sizedbagofprawncocktailcrispstofillherfacewith.Thelittlegirlwasleftaloneinhertinybedroom,cradlingherdeadhamster.But how had he died? Zoe knew that Gingernut was very young, even in

hamsteryears.Couldthisbeahamstermurder?shewondered.Butwhatkindofpersonwouldwanttomurderadefencelesslittlehamster?Well,before this story isover,youwillknow.Andyouwillalsoknow that

therearepeoplecapableofdoingmuch,muchworse.Themostevilmanintheworldislurkingsomewhereinthisverybook.Readon,ifyoudare…

efore we meet this deeply wicked individual, we need to go back to thebeginning.Zoe’srealmumdiedwhenshewasababy,butZoehadstillhadaveryhappy

life.DadandZoehadalwaysbeenalittleteam,andheshoweredherwithlove.WhileZoewasatschool,Dadwentout toworkat thelocal ice-creamfactory.He had adored ice cream ever since he was a boy and loved working in thefactory,eventhoughhisjobinvolvedlonghours,notmuchmoneyandveryhardwork.WhatkeptZoe’sdadgoingwasmakingbrandnewice-creamflavours.Atthe

end of every shift at the factory he would rush home excitedly, laden withsamplesofsomeweirdandwonderfulnewflavourforZoetobethefirsttotry.Then he would report back what she liked to the boss. These were Zoe’s

favourites:

SherbertBang

BubbliciousBubblegumTripleChoco-Nut-FudgeSwirl

CandyflossSupremeCaramel&Custard

MangoSurpriseColaCube&JellyPeanutButter&BananaFoamPineapple&Liquorice

WhizzFizzSpacedustExplosionHer least favourite was Snail & Broccoli. Not even Zoe’s dad couldmake

snailandbroccoliicecreamtastegood.Notalloftheflavoursmadeittotheshops(especiallynotSnail&Broccoli)

butZoe tried themall!Sometimes sheate somuch icecreamshe thought shewouldexplode.Bestofall,shewouldoftenbetheonlychildintheworldtotrythem,andthatmadeZoefeellikeaveryspeciallittlegirlindeed.Therewasoneproblem.Beinganonlychild,Zoehadnooneathometoplaywith,apartfromherdad,

whoworked long hours at the factory. So by the time she reached the age ofnine,likemanykids,shewantedapetwithallherheartandsoul.Itdidn’thaveto be a hamster, she just needed something, anything, to love. Something thatshehopedwould loveherback.However, livingon the37th floorof a leaningtowerblock,ithadtobesomethingsmall.

So, onZoe’s tenth birthday, as a surprise,Dad leftwork early andmet hisdaughterat theschoolgates.Hecarriedheronhisshoulders–shehadalways

lovedthateversinceshewasababy–andtookhertothelocalpetshop.There,heboughtherahamster.Zoepickedoutthefluffiest,cutestbabyone,andnamedhimGingernut.Gingernut lived in a cage in the little girl’s bedroom. Zoe didn’tmind that

Gingernutwouldgoroundandroundonhiswheelatnightkeepingherawake.Shedidn’tmind thathenippedher fingeracoupleof timeswhenshe fedhimbiscuitsasaspecialtreat.Sheevendidn’tmindthathiscagesmelledofhamsterwee.Inshort,ZoelovedGingernut.AndGingernutlovedZoe.Zoedidn’thavemanyfriendsatschool.What’smore, theotherkidsbullied

herforbeingshortandgingerandhavingtowearbracesonherteeth.Justoneofthosethingswouldhavebeenenoughforhertohaveahardtime.Shehadhitthejackpotwithallthree.Gingernutwassmallandgingertoo,thoughofcoursehedidn’twearbraces.

That smallness and gingernesswas probably, deep down,whyZoe chose himoutofthedozensoflittleballsoffluffsnuggleduptogetherbehindtheglassatthepetshop.Shemusthavesensedakindredspirit.Overtheweeksandmonthsthatfollowed,ZoetaughtGingernutsomemind-

bogglingtricks.Forasunflowerseed,hewouldstandonhisbacklegsanddoalittle dance.For awalnut,Gingernutwoulddo aback-flip.And for a lumpofsugar,hewouldspinaroundonhisback.Zoe’s dream was to make her little pet world famous as the very first

breakdancinghamster!Sheplanned toputona littleshowatChristmas foralltheotherchildrenontheestate.Sheevenmadeapostertoadvertiseit.

Thenoneday,Dadcamehomefromworkwithsomeverysadnews,whichwouldteartheirhappylittlelifeapart…

lostmyjob,”saidDad.“No!”saidZoe.“Theyareshuttingdownthefactory–movingthewholeoperationtoChina.”“Butyouwillfindanotherjob,won’tyou?”“Iwilltry,”saidDad.“Butitwon’tbeeasy.There’llbeloadsofusalllooking

forthesameones.”Andasitturnedout,itwasn’teasy.Itwas,infact,impossible.Withsomany

peoplelosingtheirjobsallatonce,Dadwasforcedtoclaimbenefitmoneyfromthegovernment.Itwasapittance,barelyenoughtoliveon.Withnothingtodoall day,Dadbecamemore andmore down.Tobeginwith hewent to the JobCentre every day. But there were never any jobs within a hundredmiles andeventuallyhestartedgoingtothepubinstead–ZoecouldtellbecauseshewasfairlysurethatJobCentresdidn’tstayopentilllateatnight.Zoe became more and more worried about her father. Sometimes she

wonderedifhehadgivenuponlifealtogether.Losingfirsthiswife,andthenhisjob,seemedlikejusttoomuchforhimtobear.Littledidheknow,thingswereabouttogetmuchmuchworse…DadmetZoe’sstepmotherwhenhewasathissaddest.Hewaslonelyandshe

wasonherown,her lasthusbandhavingdied inamysteriousprawn-cocktail-crisp-relatedincident.Sheilaseemedtothinkthathusbandnumberten’sbenefitmoneywouldprovideherwithaneasylife,withfagsontapandall theprawncocktailcrispsshecouldeat.AsZoe’srealmumhaddiedwhenZoewasababy,asmuchasshetried,and

shetriedandtried,Zoecouldnotrememberher.ThereusedtobephotographsofMum up all over the flat. Mum had a kind smile. Zoe would stare at thephotographs, and try and smile just like her. They certainly looked alike.Especiallywhentheyweresmiling.However,onedaywheneveryonewasout,Zoe’snewstepmothertookallthe

photographs down.Now theywere conveniently ‘lost’. Probably burned. Daddidn’tliketalkingaboutMumbecauseitwouldjustmakehimcry.However,shelivedoninZoe’sheart.Thelittlegirlknewthatherrealmumhadlovedhervery

much.Shejustknewit.Zoealsoknewherstepmotherdidnotloveher.Orevenlikeherverymuch.In

truth,Zoewasprettysureherstepmotherhatedher.Sheilatreatedheratworstasan irritant,atbestas ifshewere invisible.Zoeoftenoverheardherstepmothersayingshewantedheroutofthehouseassoonasshewasoldenough.“Delittlebratcanstopspongin’offme!”Thewomannevergaveherapenny,

notevenonherbirthday.ThatChristmas,SheilahadgivenZoeausedtissueasapresent,andthenlaughedinherfacewhenthelittlegirlunwrappedit.Itwasfullofsnot.Soon after Zoe’s stepmother moved into the flat, she demanded that the

hamstermoveout.“Itstinks!”sheshrieked.However, after a great deal of shouting and slamming of doors, Zoe was

finallyallowedtokeepherlittlepet.SheilacarriedondespisingGingernut, though.Shemoanedandmoanedthat

thelittlehamsterchewedholesinthesofa,eventhoughitwasburninghotashfalling from her fags that had really created them! Over and over again shewarnedherstepdaughtershewould“stampondenastylittlebeastifIevercatchitoutofitscage”.SheilaalsomockedZoe’sattemptstoteachherhamstertobreakdance.“You’re wastin’ your timewith dat nonsense. You and dat little beast will

amounttonuffink.Ya’earme?Nuffink!”Zoe heard, but chose not to listen. She knew she had a special way with

animals,andDadhadalwaystoldherso.Infact,Zoedreamedoftravellingtheworldwithahugemenagerieofanimal

stars. One day, she would train animals to do extraordinary feats that shebelievedwoulddelight theworld.She evenmade a list ofwhat thesemadcapactscouldbe:

AfrogwhoisasuperstarDJ

Arappingterrapin

Twogerbilswhoballroomdancetogether

Anelephantwhosingsopera

Adonkeywhodoesmagictricks

Atap-dancingcentipede

Aboybandcomprisedentirelyofguineapigs

Astreet-dancegroupoftortoises

Acatwhodoesimpressions(offamouscartooncats)

Aballet-dancingpig

Awormhypnotist

Ahigh-wireacrobaticsactwithcows

Anantwhodoesventriloquism

Adaredevilmolewhodoesincrediblestuntslikebeingshotoutofacannon

Akaratedisplaywithjellyfish

Abungee-jumpinghippopotamus

Zoehad it allplannedout.With themoney theanimalsearned, sheandherfathercouldbothescapetheleaning,crumblingtowerblockforever.ZoecouldbuyDadamuchbiggerflat,andshecouldretiretoahugecountryhouseandsetupasanctuaryforunwantedpets.Theanimalscouldrunaroundinthegroundsall day, and sleep together in a giant bed at night. ‘No animal too big or toosmall,theywillallbeloved’wastobewrittenovertheentrancegates.Thenonthatfatefulday,ZoecamehomefromschooltofindthatGingernutwasdead.Andwithhim,Zoe’sdreamsofanimal-trainingstardomdiedtoo.So, reader,after that little journeyback in time,we’rebackat the start, and

readytogetonwiththestory.Don’tturnbacktothebeginningthough,thatwouldbereallystupidandyou

wouldgoroundandroundincirclesreadingthesamefewpages.No,moveonto thenextpage,andIwillcontinuewith thestory.Quickly.Stopreading thisandmoveon.Now!

lushitdowndebog!”shoutedSheila.Zoe was sitting on her bed listening through the wall to her dad and

stepmotherarguing.“No!”repliedDad.“Giveit’ereyauselessgit!I’llbungitindebin!”Zoeoftensatonherbedinhertoo-smallpyjamas,listeningthroughthepaper-

thinwall to her father and stepmother arguingway past her bedtime. TonighttheywereofcourseshoutingandscreamingaboutGingernut,whohaddiedthatday.Astheylivedinaflatonthe37thfloorofadilapidatedcouncilblock(which

leanedheavilyandshouldhavebeendemolisheddecadesago),thefamilydidn’thave a garden.Therewas anold adventureplayground in the central concretesquaresharedbyalltheblocksintheestate.However,thelocalgangmadeittoodangeroustoventurenear.“Wot you lookin’ at?” Tina Trottswould shout at anyone passing by. Tina

wasthelocalbully,andhergangofteenagehoodlumsruledtheestate.Shewasonlyfourteenbutshecouldmakeagrownmancry,andoftendid.EverydayshewouldflobonZoe’sheadfromtheflatsasthelittlegirlwalkedtoschool.AndeverydayTinawouldlaugh,asifitwasthefunniestthingintheworld.If the family had owned an allotment or even the smallest patch of grass

anywhereon the estate they could call their own,Zoewouldhavedug a littlegravewithaspoon,loweredherlittlefriendintotheholeandmadeaheadstonewithalollystick.Gingernut,MuchlovedHamster,Expertbreakdancer,Andsometimebodypopper.SadlymissedbyhisownerandfriendZoe,RIP2

But of course they didn’t have a garden. No one did. Instead, Zoe hadwrappedherhamstercarefullyinapagefromherHistoryexercisebook.Whenher dad finally returned home from the pub, Zoe gave him the precious littlepackage.Mydadwillknowwhattodowithhim,shethought.ButZoehadn’treckonedonherhorriblestepmothergettinginvolved.Unlikehisnewwife,Dadwastallandthin.Ifshewasabowlingball,hewas

theskittle,andofcoursebowlingballsoftenknockoverskittles.SonowDadandSheilawerearguinginthekitchenaboutwhattodowiththe

little package Zoe had given to Dad. It was always awful hearing the two ofthemshoutingateachother,buttonightwasprovingparticularlyunbearable.“IsupposeIcouldgetthepoorgirlanotherhamster,”venturedDad.“Shewas

sogoodwithit…”Zoe’sfacelitupforamoment.“Are ya crazy?” sneered her stepmother. “Another ’amster! You are so

useless,yacan’tevengetajobtopayforone!”“Therearenojobs,”pleadedDad.“You’rejusttoolazytogetone.Yauselessgit.”“Icouldfindaway, forZoe. I lovemygirlsomuch. Icould try tosaveup

someofmybenefitmoney—”“Dat’shardlyenufftokeepmeinprawncocktailcrisps,letalonefeedabeast

likedat.”“Wecouldfeeditleftovers,”protestedDad.“Iamnothavin’anotheroneofdosedisgustingcreaturesinmeflat!”saidthe

woman.“It’snotadisgustingcreature.It’sahamster!”“’Amstersarenobetterdanrats,”Sheilacontinued.“Worse!Iworkalldayon

me’andsandkneeskeepin’disflatspickandspan.”Shedoesnosuchthing,thoughtZoe.Theflatisanabsolutetip!“And den the nasty little fing comes along and does its dirty business

everywhere!”continuedSheila.“AndwhileIamonthesubject,youraimindebogcouldbebetter!”“Sorry.”“Wotdoyado?Putasprinklerondeendofit?”“Keepyourvoicedown,woman!”Thelittlegirlwasonceagainfindingoutthehardwaythatsecretlylistening

to your parents talk could be a very dangerous game. You always ended uphearingthingsyouwishedyouneverhad.Besides,Gingernutdidn’tdohisdirtybusinesseverywhere.Zoealwaysmadesureshepickedupanyroguedroppings

from his secret runs around her roomwith some loo paper and flushed themsafelydownthetoilet.“I’ll take thecagedown thepawnshop then,” saidDad.“Imightgeta few

quidforit.”“Iwill take itdowndepawnshop,” saidhiswifeaggressively. “You’ll just

spendthemoneydowndepub.”“But—”“Nowputdenastylittlefingindebin.”“I promised Zoe I would give him a proper burial in the park. She loved

Gingernut.Taughthimtricksandeverything.”“Dey were pathetic. PATHETIC! A breakdancin’ ’amster?! Absolute

rubbish!”“That’snotfair!”“Andyou’renotgoingoutagaintonight.Idon’ttrustya.You’llbebackdown

depub.”“It’sshutnow.”“Knowing you, you’ll just wait outside until it opens tomorrowmorning…

Nowcomeon,giveit’ere!”Zoeheardthepedalbinopenwiththestampofherstepmother’schubbyfoot

andthefaintsoundofathud.Withtearsstreamingdownherface,Zoelaydowninbed,andcoveredherself

with her duvet. She turned to her right side. In the half-light she stared at thecageasshedideverynight.

Itwasagonising to see it empty.The littlegirl closedhereyesbut couldn’t

sleep.Herheartwasaching,herbrainwasspinning.Shewassad,shewasangry,shewassad,shewasangry,shewassad.Sheturnedontoherleftside.Maybeitwouldbeeasier tosleepfacing thegrimywall rather thanstaringat theemptycage.Sheclosedhereyesagain,butallshecouldthinkaboutwasGingernut.Not that it was easy to think, what with the noise coming from the

neighbouringflat.Zoedidn’tknowwholivedthere–peopleinthetowerblockweren’texactlyclose–butmosteveningssheheardshouting.Itseemedlikeamanscreamingathisdaughter,whowouldoftencry,andZoefeltsorryforher,whoever shewas. However bad Zoe thought her life was, this girl’s soundedworse.But Zoe blocked out the shouting, and soon fell asleep, dreaming of

Gingernut,breakdancinginheaven…

oe trudged even more reluctantly than usual to school the next morning.Gingernutwasdead,andwiththatherdreamshaddiedtoo.AsZoewalkedoutoftheestate,Tinaflobbedonthelittlegirl’sheadasshealwaysdid.Asshewaswipingthefloboutofherfrizzyhairwithapagerippedfromoneofherexercisebooks,ZoesawDadcrouchedoverbythetiniestpatchofgrass.Heappearedtobediggingwithhishands.Heturnedaroundquickly,asifinshock.“Oh,hello,mylove…”“Whatareyoudoing?”saidZoe.Sheleanedoverhim,toseewhathewasup

to,andsawthatthelittlepackagecontainingGingernutwaslaidontheground,nexttoasmallmoundofearth.“Don’ttellyourmum…”“Stepmum!”“Don’ttellyourstepmum,butIfishedthelittlefellaoutofthebin…”“Oh,Dad!”“Sheila’s still asleep, snoring away. I don’t think she heard anything.

Gingernutmeant somuch to you and I justwanted to give him, you know, aproperburial.”Zoesmiledforamoment,butsomehowshefoundherselfcryingtoo.“Oh,Dad,thankyousomuch…”“Nowordofthistoherthough,orshe’llmurderme.”“Ofcoursenot.”Zoe knelt down beside him, picked up the little package and lowered

Gingernutintothesmallholeherfatherhaddug.“Ievengotoneoftheseforaheadstone.Oneoftheoldlollysticksfromthe

factory.”Zoetookoutherchewedbirofromherpocket,andscribbled‘Gingernut’on

thestick,thoughtherewasn’treallyroomforthe‘t’,soitjustread:

GINGERNU

Dadfilledinthehole,andtheystoodbackandlookedatthelittlegrave.

“Thanks,Dad.Youarethebest…”NowDadwascrying.“What’sthematter?”askedZoe.“Iamnot thebest. Iamsosorry,Zoe.But Iwillgetanother joboneday. I

knowIwill…”“Dad,ajobdoesn’tmatter.Ijustwantyoutobehappy.”“Idon’twantyoutoseemelikethis…”Dadstartedwalkingaway.Zoepulledonhisarm,butheshookitoutofher

grasp,andwalkedoffbacktothetowerblock.“Comeandmeetmeattheschoolgateslater,Dad.Wecangotothepark,and

youcanputmeonyourshoulders.Iusedtolovethat.Itdon’tcostathing.”“Sorry, I’ll be in the pub.Have a goodday at school,” he shouted,without

lookingback.Hewashidinghissadnessfromhisdaughter,likehealwaysdid.Zoe could feel her stomach screaming inhunger.Therehadbeennodinner

last night asSheilahad spent all thebenefitmoneyon fags, and therewasnofoodinthehouse.Zoehadn’teatenforaverylongtime.SoshestoppedoffatRaj’sNewsagent.All thekidsfromschoolwenttohisshopbeforeorafterschool.AsZoeneverreceivedpocketmoney,shewouldonlycomeintotheshopandgazelonginglyat thesweets.Beingexceptionallykind-hearted,Rajoften tookpityon thegirlandgaveherfreeones.Onlytheout-of-dateonesthough,orthosewithahintofmould,butshewasstillgrateful.SometimesshewouldbeallowedaquicksuckonamintbeforeRajaskedhertospititoutsohecouldputitbackinthepackettosellittoanothercustomer.ThismorningZoewasespeciallyhungry,andwashopingRajwouldhelp…TINGwentthebellasthedooropened.“Aaah! Miss Zoe. My favourite customer.” Raj was a big jolly man, who

alwayshadasmileonhisface,evenifyoutoldhimhisshopwasonfire.“Hello,Raj,”saidZoesheepishly.“Idon’thaveanymoneyagaintodayIam

afraid.”“Notapenny?”“Nothing.Sorry.”“Ohdear.Butyoudolookhungry.Aquicknibbleononeofthesechocolate

barsperhaps?”Hepickedupabarandunwrappeditforher.“Justtryandeataroundtheedgeplease.ThenIcanputitinthewrapperand

backonsale.Thenextcustomerwillneverknow!”Zoenibbled greedily on the chocolate bar, her front teethmunchingoff the

edgeslikealittlerodent.“You lookverysad,child,” saidRaj.Hewasalwaysgoodat spottingwhen

thingswerewrong,andcouldbealotmorecaringthansomeparentsorteachers.“Haveyoubeencrying?”Zoelookedupfromhernibblingforamoment.Hereyesstillstungwithtears.“No,I’mfine,Raj.Justhungry.”“No,MissZoe,Icanseesomethingiswrong.”Heleanedonthecounter,and

smiledsupportivelyather.Zoetookadeepbreath.“Myhamsterdied.”“Oh,MissZoe,Iamsososorry.”“Thankyou.”“Youpoorthing.AfewyearsagoIhadapettadpoleanditdied,soIknow

howyoufeel.”Zoelookedsurprised.“Apettadpole?”Shehadneverheardofanyonehaving

oneasapet.“Yes, IcalledhimPoppadom.Onenight I lefthimswimmingaround inhis

littlefishbowl,andwhenIwokeupinthemorningtherewasthisnaughtyfrogthere.HemusthaveeatenPoppadom!”Zoecouldn’tquitebelievewhatshewashearing.“Raj…”“Yes…?” The newsagent wiped a tear from his eye with the sleeve of his

cardigan.“Sorry,IalwaysgetquiteemotionalwhenIthinkaboutPoppadom.”“Raj,tadpolesturnintofrogs.”“Don’tbesostupid,child!”“Theydo.SothatfrogwasPoppadom.”“Iknowyouarejustmakingmefeelbetter,butIknowit’snottrue.”Zoerolledhereyes.“Nowtellmeaboutyourhamster…”

“Heis,Imean,was,sospecial.Itrainedhimtobreakdance.”“Wow!Whatwashisname?”“Gingernut,”saidZoesadly.“Mydreamwasthatonedayhewouldbeonthe

TV…”Raj thought for amoment, and then looked Zoe straight in the eyes. “You

mustnevergiveuponyourdreams,younglady…”“ButGingernutisdead…”“But yourdream doesn’t need to die.Dreams never die. If you can train a

hamstertobreakdance,MissZoe,justimaginewhatyoucoulddo…”“Isuppose…”Rajlookedathiswatch.“ButasmuchasIwouldliketo,wecan’tstandhere

chattingallday.”“No?”ZoelovedRaj,evenifhedidn’tknowatadpoleturnedintoafrog,and

neverwantedtoleavehismessylittleshop.“Youbetterbeofftoschoolnow,younglady.Youdon’twanttobelate…”“Isupposeso,”mumbledZoe.Sometimesshewonderedwhyshedidn’t just

bunkofflikesomanyoftheothers.Rajbeckonedwithhisbighands.“Now,MissZoe,givemethechocolatebar

please,soIcanputitbackonsale…”Zoe lookedatherhands. It hadgone.Shewas sohungry shehaddevoured

everylastmorsel,saveforonetinysquare.“Iamsosorry,Raj.Ididn’tmeanto.Ireallydidn’t!”“Iknow,Iknow,”saidthekindlyman.“Justputitbackinthewrapper.Ican

sellitasaspecialdietchocolatetosomeonefatlikeme!”“Goodidea!”saidthelittlegirl.Zoewentovertothedoor,andturnedaroundtofacethenewsagent.“Thankyou,bytheway.Notjustforthechocolate.Butfortheadvice…”“Botharefreeofchargeforyouanytime,MissZoe.Nowrunalong…”

Raj’swordswentroundandroundinZoe’smindalldayatschool,butwhenshereturned home to the flat she felt the same sense of absence. Gingernut wasgone.Forever.Days went by, then weeks, then months. She could never forget about

Gingernut.Hewassuchaspeciallittlehamster.Andhebroughthersomuchjoyin aworld of pain. From themoment he died,Zoe felt as if shewaswalkingthroughastorm.Veryslowly,asthedaysandweekspassed,therainbecamealittlelighter.Thoughthesunhadstillnotshone.Until one night, months later, when something completely unexpected

happened.

Zoewaslyinginbedafteranotherinsufferabledayatschoolatthehandsofthebullies,and thedreadedTinaTrotts inparticular.Therewasshoutingfromnextdoorasusual.Then,outofabriefmomentofquietinthenight,cameatinysound.Itwassosoftatfirstitwasalmostimperceptible.Thenitbecamelouder.Andlouder.Itsoundedlikenibbling.AmIdreaming?thoughtZoe.AmIhavingoneofthosestrangedreamsthatI

amlyinginbedawake?Sheopenedhereyes.No,shewasn’tdreaming.Somethingsmallwasmovinginherbedroom.Foramadmoment,ZoewonderedifitcouldbetheghostofGingernut.Lately

she’dfoundacoupleofwhatseemedlikedroppingsinherroom.No,don’tbecrazy,shetoldherself.Mustbefunny-shapedclumpsofdust,that’sall.Atfirstallshecouldseewasatinyshadowyshapeinthecornerbythedoor.

She tiptoed out of bed to have a closer look. Itwas little and dirty and a tadsmelly.Thedustyfloorboardscreakedalittleunderherweight.Thetinythingturnedaround.Itwasarat.

hen you think of the word ‘rat’, what is the next thing to come into yourhead?Rat...vermin?Rat...sewer?Rat...disease?Rat...bite?Rat...plague?Rat...catcher?Rat...a-tat-tat?

Ratsarethemostunlovedlivingthingsontheplanet.

However,whatifItoldyouthatwhatZoefoundinherroomthatnightwasababyrat?Yes,thiswasthecutest,sweetest,littlestbabyratyoucanimagine,anditwas

crouching in the corner of her room, nibbling on one of her dirty hole-riddensocks.Withatinypinktwitchingnose,furryearsandhuge,deep,hopefuleyes,this

wasa rat thatcouldwinfirstprize inaverminbeautypageant.ThisexplainedthemysteriousdroppingsthatZoehadrecentlyfoundinherroom:itmusthavebeenthislittlemite.Well,itcertainlywasn’tme.Zoe had always thought she would be terrified if she ever saw a rat. Her

stepmotherevenkept ratpoison in thekitchen, as therewasalways talkof aninfestationinthecrumblingblockofflats.However, this rat didn’t seem very terrifying. In fact, if anything, the rat

appearedtobeterrifiedofZoe.Whenthefloorboardcreakedassheapproached,itskirtedthewallandhidunderherbed.“Don’tbescared, littleone,”whisperedZoe.Slowlysheputherhandunder

thebedtotryandstroketherat.Itshiveredinfearatfirst,itsfurstandingupon

end.“Shush,shush,”saidZoe,comfortingly.Littlebylittle,theratmadeitswaythroughthegardenofdustanddirtunder

Zoe’s creaky little bed and approachedher hand. It sniffed her fingers, beforelickingone,thenanother.Sheilawastooidletocook,andZoewassostarvingshehadstolenabagofherstepmother’sdreadedprawncocktailcrisps forherdinner.The ratmusthavebeenable to smell themonher fingers, anddespiteZoe’s gravemisgivings about the snack, which bore no relation to prawns orindeedcocktails,theratdidn’tseemtomind.Zoe let out a little giggle. The nibbling tickled her. She lifted her hand to

stroketherat,anditduckedunderneathandracedtothefarcorneroftheroom.“Shush,shush,comeon.Ionlywanttogiveyouastroke,”imploredZoe.The rat peeked at her with uncertainty, before tentatively, paw by paw,

making itsway over to her hand. She brushed its furwith her little finger aslightlyasshecould.Thefurwasa lotsofter thanshe imagined.NotassoftasGingernut’s,nothingwas.Butsurprisinglysoftnonetheless.Onebyone,Zoe’sfingers loweredandsoonshewasstrokingthe topof the

rat’shead.Zoeletherfingerstrickledownitsneckandback.Theratarcheditsbacktomeetherhand.

Mostlikelyithadneverbeenshownsuchtendernessbefore.Certainlynotbyahuman.Notonlywasthereenoughratpoisonintheworldtokilleveryrattentimes over, butwhen people saw a rat, theywould generally either screamorreachforabroomtowhackitwith.Lookingat this little tiddlernow, though, itwashard forZoe tounderstand

whyanyonewouldwanttoharmhim.Suddenly, the rat’s little ears shot up andZoequickly turnedher head.Her

parents’ bedroom door was opening, and she could hear her stepmotherthundering along thehallway,huffingwith each step.Hurriedly,Zoe snatched

up the rat,cupped it inherhands,and jumpedback intobed.Sheilawouldgocrazyifsheknewherstepdaughterwasinbedcuddlingarodent.Zoetooktheduvetbetweenherteethandhidunderthecovers.Shewaitedandlistened.Thebathroomdoorcreakedopenandclosed,andZoecouldhearthemuffledsoundofherstepmotherthuddingdownontothecrackedtoiletseat.Zoesighedandopenedherhands.Thebabyratwassafe.Fornow.Sheletthe

littlerodentscamperoverherhandsandontohertornpyjamatop.“Kisskisskisskiss.”Shemadealittlekissingnoisejustliketheonesheused

todowithGingernut.Andjust likeherhamsterusedtodo, theratapproachedherface.Zoeplantedalittlekissonitsnose.Shepushedadentinthepillownexttoher

head,andgentlylaidtheratdownintoit.Itfittedperfectly,andsoonshecouldhearitsnoringveryquietlynexttoher.If you have never heard a rat snoring before, this is what it sounds like:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.“Now,howonearthamIgoingtokeepyouasecret?”Zoewhispered.

tisn’teasytosmugglearatintoschool.Thehardestanimaltosneakintoschoolisofcoursethebluewhale.Justtoo

bigandwet.Hippopotamusesarealsohardtoslipinunnoticed,asaregiraffes.Toofatand

tallrespectively.Lionsareinadvisable.Allthatroaringgivesthemaway.Sealsbarktoomuch.Asdowalruses.Skunkssmellreallybad–evenworsethansometeachers.Kangaroosjustdon’tstophopping.Boobies3soundtoorude.Elephantstendtobreakthechairs.Anostrichwillgetyoutoschoolquickly,butistoobigtohideinyourschool

bag.Polarbearsblendintoarcticwastesverywell,butcanbespottedinstantlyina

schooldinnerqueue.Smugglinga shark into schoolwould lead to instant expulsion, especially if

youhadswimminglessonsthatday.Theyhaveatendencytoeatthechildren.Orang-utansarealsoano-no.Theycanbeverydisruptiveinclass.Gorillas are even worse, especially in Maths. Gorillas are not good with

numbers,andhatedoingsums,althoughtheyaresurprisinglygoodatFrench.A herd of wildebeest is almost impossible to take into school without a

teachernoticing.Nits, on the other hand, are ludicrously easy. Some children smuggle

thousandsofnitsintoschooleveryday.Aratisstilladifficultanimaltosmuggleintoschool.Somewherebetweena

bluewhaleandanitonthe‘hardtosmuggleintoschool’scale.The problemwas that it was impossible for Zoe to leave the little thing at

home.Gingernut’soldbatteredcagewaslonggone,asherstepmotherhadtakenittothepawnbrokers.Theghastlywomanhadswappeditforafewcoins,whichshepromptly spent on a bumper-boxof prawn cocktail crisps.Thirty-six bagsthatshehaddemolishedbeforebreakfast.IfZoehadjustlefttheratrunningaroundtheflat,sheknewthatSheilawould

have poisoned it or stamped on it or both.Her stepmothermade no secret ofhatingallrodents.AndevenifZoehadhiddentheratinabedroomdrawer,orinaboxunderherbed,therewasaverygoodchanceSheilawouldhavefoundit.Zoe knew that her stepmother always rummaged through her possessions themomentsheleftforschool.Sheilawaslookingforthingsshecouldsellorswapforafagortwo,orsomemoreprawncocktailcrisps.Oneday,allofZoe’stoyshadgone,anotherdayitwasherbelovedbooks.It

wasjusttooriskytoleavetherataloneintheflatwiththatwoman.Zoeconsideredputtingtheratinherschoolbag,butbecauseshewassopoor

she had to take her books to school in a beaten-up plastic carrier bag, heldtogetherwithstripsofstickytape.Itwastoomuchofariskthatthelittlerodentmightnibbleitswayout.SoZoehiditinthebreastpocketofhertwo-sizes-too-largeblazer.Yes,shecouldfeelitconstantlywrigglingaround,butatleastsheknewitwassafe.AsZoe cameout of the stairwell of the tower block and into the concreted

communalarea,sheheardashoutfromaboveher.“Zoe!”Shelookedup.Bigmistake.A huge flobbet of flob flobbed square on to her face. Zoe sawTina Trotts

standingattherailingsseveralfloorsup.“HAHAHHA!”Tinashouteddown.Zoerefusedtocry.Shejustwipedherfacewithhersleeveandturnedaway,

Tina’slaughterstillechoingbehindher.Sheprobablywouldhavecried,butthenshefeltthelittleratmoveinherpocket,andsheinstantlyfeltbetter.NowI’vegotalittlepetagain,shethought.Itmightjustbearat,butit’sonly

thebeginning...PerhapsRajwasright:herdreamoftrainingananimaltoentertainthenation

wasn’tdeadafterall.Therat’spresenceremainedacomfortwhenZoearrivedatschool.Thiswas

Zoe’sfirstyearatbigschoolandshehadn’tmadeasinglefriendthereyet.Most

of thekidswerepoor,butZoewas thepoorest. Itwasembarrassingforher tohave to go to school in unwashed clothes from charity shops. Clothes whichwereeither far toobigor far toosmall forher,andmostofwhichhadgapingholes in them.Therubbersolehadallbut fallenoffher left shoe,andflappedagainstthegroundeverytimeshetookastep.FLIPFLAPFLIPFLAPFLIPFLAPwenther shoesevery timeshewalked

anywhere.FLIPITYFLAPFLIPITYFLAPFLIPITYFLAPifsheran.In assembly, after an announcement about an end-of-term talent show, the

pale headmasterMrGrave stepped up to speak.He stood in the centre of thestage,unblinkinglystaringatthehundredsofpupilsgatheredintheschoolhall.All thechildrenwerea littlebit scaredofhim.Withhis staringeyesandpaleskin,wild rumoursaboundedamong theyoungerpupils thathewas secretlyavampire.Mr Grave proceeded to give a stern warning to those “errant pupils” who,

againsttherules,hadbeensmugglingtheirmobilephonesintoschool.Thiswasjustabouteveryone,thoughZoewasfartooskinttoevendreamofeverowningone.

Great,thoughtZoe.Evenwhenwe’rebeingtoldoffIgetleftout.“Needlesstosay,I’mnotjusttalkingaboutphones!”boomedMrGrave,asif

reading Zoe’s mind. His voice could carry across a crowded playground atbreak-timeandmakeeverypupilfallsilentinaheartbeat.“Anythingthatbeepsor vibrates is strictly forbidden! Did you hear me?” he boomed again.“Forbidden!Thatisall.Dismissed.”The bell rang and the kids plodded off to their lessons. Sitting on the

uncomfortablelittlegreyplasticchaironherownlonelyrowatthebackoftheassembly hall, Zoe wondered nervously if her rat came under Mr Grave’sdescription.Itcertainlyvibrated.Andsometimesitbeeped.Oratleastsqueaked.“Don’tmakeasoundtoday,littlerat,”shesaid.Theratsqueaked.Ohno!thoughtZoe.

oasnottobejostledatthedoor,Zoewaitedafewmomentsbeforeamblingofftoher first lesson.Amazingly,Maths,whichshealways foundcataclysmicallyboring,passedwithout incident.AsdidGeography,whereshewonderedifhernew-foundknowledgeofoxbowlakesmightcomeinusefulinadultlife.Duringthelessons,Zoestoleanoccasionalglanceintoherblazerinsidepocket,andsawthatthelittleratwassleeping.Itmustreallyenjoyanicelie-in.Atbreak-time,Zoelockedherselfinacubicleinthegirls’toiletsandfedthe

ratsomeof thebreadshewasmeant tobesavingforher lunch.Shemadeherown packed lunch whenever there were scraps of food still in the house.However, thismorning therewas absolutelynothing in the fridgeother thanafewcansofverystronglager,soshemadeherselfabreadsandwichoutofsomestaleslicesleftoutontheside…Therecipewassimple:

BREADSANDWICH

Youwillneed:threeslicesofbread.

Instructions:takeonesliceofbread,andputitbetweentheothertwoslicesof

bread.Theend.4

Unsurprisingly,theratlikedbread.Ratslikemostfoodwelike.Zoesatonthetoiletseat,andtheratperchedonherlefthandwhileshefedit

withherright.Itgobbledupeverylastmouthful.

“Thereyougo,little—”AtthatmomentZoerealisedshehadyettonamehertinyfriend.Unlessshe

wantedtogiveitanamesuitableforaboyoragirllike‘Pat’or‘Les’or‘Viv’,shewouldfirsthavetofindoutifitwasindeedaboyoragirl.SoZoecarefullypicked the rat up to have a closer look. Just as shewas trying to undertake amore thorough investigation, a thin arch of yellow liquid sprayed from justunderneaththerat’stummy,narrowlymissingZoe,anddecoratingthewall.The girl now had a definitive answer. Shewas convinced that thewee had

comefromatinylittlespout,thoughitwasimpossibletolookagain,withtheratnowwrigglinginherhands.Butshewassureitwasaboy.Zoe looked up for inspiration. On the toilet door, some older girls had

scratchedobscenesentenceswithacompass.‘Destinyisacomplete@**$$$$&!%^!%!!!!’Zoeread,whichIthinkwecan

allagreeisveryrude,evenifsheis.Destinywouldhavebeenastupidnameforarat.Especiallyaboyrat,thought

thelittlegirl.Zoecontinuedsearchingthenamesonthedoorforinspiration.Rochelle…no.Darius…no.Busta…no.Tupac…no.Jammaall...no.Snoop…no.Meredith…no.Kylie…no.Beyonce…no.Tyrone…no.

Chantelle…no.Despitebeingcrowdedwithwords(andsomerudedrawings),thetoiletdoor

wasn’t providing asmuch inspiration as Zoe had hoped. She sat up from thetoiletseatandturnedaroundtoflush,soasnottoalertthesuspicionofthegirlshecouldhearinthenextcubicle.Atthatmoment,shespiedsomeposhwritingamidstalltheingrainedstainsinthetoiletbowl.“Armitage Shanks,” she read out loud. It was only the name of the toilet

manufacturer, but the little rat’s ears twitched when she said it, as if inrecognition.“Armitage!That’s it!”sheexclaimed.Itwasasuitablyupper-class-sounding

nameforthisspeciallittlefellow.Suddenlytherewasaloudthudonthetoiletdoor.

BOOM

BOOOMBOOOOM.

“Who have you got in there, you little squirt?” came a guttural voice fromoutside.No! thought Zoe. It’s Tina Trotts. The spit from today’s flob had still not

entirelycomeoffZoe’slittlefreckledface.Tinawasonlyfourteenbutbuiltlikeatrucker.Shehadbighandsthatcould

punch, big feet that couldkick, a bighead that couldbutt, and a bigbutt thatcouldsquash.Even the teachers were scared of her. Inside the cubicle, Zoe was quaking

withfear.“There’snooneinhere,”saidZoe.Whydid I say that? she instantly thought.Themereactof saying that there

wasnooneintheremeanttherewasdefinitely,withoutdoubt,onehundredpercent,someoneinthere.Zoewasinterribledanger,butonlyifsheopenedthedoor.Fornow,shewas

safe inside the— “Get out of the bog right now before I smash the door in!”threatenedTina.

Ohdear.

oequicklyputArmitagebackinherblazerpocket.“Iamjusthavingawee!”saidZoe.Thenshemadearatherpitifulsoundthat

shehopedwouldsoundlikewatergushingintoabowlbypursingher lipsandblowing.Itendedupsoundingmorelikeasnakehissing.

“Pppppppppppppppssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss……………”Ofcourse,Zoe’shopewasthatthiswouldconvinceTinaTrottsthatshewas

using the toilet for legitimate purposes only, and not for feeding a breadsandwichtoalong-tailedrodent.Zoethentookadeepbreathandopenedthetoiletdoor.Tinastareddownat

Zoe,twoofherusualgoonsflankingher.“Hello,Tina,”saidZoe inavoicequitea fewoctaveshigher thanherusual

one. In attempting to play the innocent, she felt like she was giving theappearanceofsomeonewhowasinfactexceedinglyguilty.“Oh,it’syou!Whowereyoutalkingto,Braceface?”demandedTina,leaning

intothecubiclenow.“Myself,” saidZoe. “I often actually talk tomyselfwhenever I am passing

water…”“Passingwot?!”“Um...havingawee?SoifyouwillexcusemeIhavetobeofftomyHistory

class…”With that, the little ginger girl tried to ease past Tina and her footsoldiers.“Not so fast,” saidTina. “Me andmygangown these bogs.We sell stolen

gearfromin’ere.Sounlessyouwanttobuyatrainerwenicked,sodoff!”“Don’tyoumeanapairoftrainers?”enquiredZoe.“No.Imeanatrainer.Theyonlyputoneoutontheshelvessoit’smucheasier

tostealonethantwo.”“Mmmm,”musedZoe,notsurewhyanyonewithtwofeetwouldwanttobuy

justtheoneshoe.“Listen,Ginge,”continued thebully. “Wedon’twantyou inourbogs.You

hear?Puttin’offallthecustomersbytalkingtoyerselflikesomenutter…”“Understood,”mutteredZoe.“Verysorry,Tina.”“Nowgiveusyermoney,”demandedTina.“I don’t have any,” replied Zoe. She wasn’t lying. Her dad had been on

benefitsforyearssoshenevereverreceivedpocketmoney.Whenshewalkedtoschoolshewouldscourthepavementsforcoins.Oneparticularlyluckydayshehadfoundafive-poundnoteinagutter!Itwaswet,itwasdirty,butitwashers.Skipping home in delight, she stopped off at Raj’s Newsagent and bought awhole boxof chocolates to sharewith her family.However, beforeZoe’s dadhad got home, her stepmother had scoffed every single one, even the dreadedcherryliqueurs,beforegobblingdowntheboxtoo.“Nomoney?Likelystory,”splatteredTina.Splatteringisabitlikespluttering

butthepersonbeingtalkedtoendsupcoveredinspit.“Whatdoyoumean?”saidZoe.“Webothliveonthesameestate.Youknow

Idon’thaveanycash.”Tinascoffed.“Ibetyougetpocketmoney.Alwayswalkingaroundlikeyou

owntheplace.Girls–grabher.”Like clockwork, the bullies circled our little heroine.The two goons seized

herarmstightly.“Aaah!” screamedZoe inpain.Their fingernailsweredigging intoher little

armsasTina’slargedirtyhandsstartedrootinginZoe’spockets.Zoe’sheartstartedpounding.Armitagetheratwaslyingasleepinthebreast

pocket of her blazer. Tina’s chubby fingers were prodding and pokingeverywhere.Withinsecondstheywouldcomeintocontactwithasmallrodent,andZoe’slifeatschoolwouldchangeforever.Bringingaratintoschoolwasnotsomethingyouwouldeverlivedown.Once, a boy a fewyears above hadmooned out of the coachwindowon a

school trip to the railwaymuseum and ever since then he had only ever beencalled‘HairyBum’byeveryoneintheschool,eventheteachers.Time slowed down and then speeded up as Tina’s search for money led

inevitably to Zoe’s breast pocket. Her fingers thrust in and poked poor littleArmitageonthenose.“What’sthis?”saidTina.“Thelittlegingehasgotsomethinglivinginthere.”Now,Armitagemusthavenot takenkindly tobeingproddedbyabigdirty

fingeronthenose,becausehebitintoit.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghh

hhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”screamedTina.HerhandshotoutofZoe’spocket,butArmitagewasstillattached,clinging

onwithhislittlesharpteeth,danglingfromherfinger.

“EEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”squealedthebully.“It’sarat!”

t’sonlyababyrat,”reasonedZoe,tryingtocalmTinadown.ShewasafraidshemightsmackArmitageagainstsomethingandhurthim.Tinastartedshakingherhandviolentlyassheranaroundthegirls’toiletsin

utterpanic.However,thebabyratwouldnotletgo.Thegoonsstoodasstillasstatues,searchingtheirtinybrainsfortheappropriateresponseto‘ratattachedtofinger’.Unsurprisingly,nothingseemedtocometomind.“Holdstill,”saidZoe.Tinakeptrunningaround.“Isaidholdstill.”Seeminglyshockedbythisauthoritativetonefromthesmallgingergirl,Tina

stoppedmoving.Carefully, as if dealing with an angry bear, Zoe took Tina’s hand in hers.

“Comeon,Armitage…”Carefullysheprisedtherat’ssharpfrontteethoffthelargegirl’sfinger.“Thereyougo,”saidZoeinthemannerofadentistwhohadjustgivenachild

amildlypainfulfilling.“Comeonnow.Tut-tut.Itwasn’ttoobad.”“Thelittle@**$$$$&!%^!%!!!!bitme!”protestedTina,revealingherselfas

thelikelyauthoroftheinsultingmessageonthetoiletdoor.Thebullyexaminedherfinger,twotinydropsofbloodoozingoutofthetip.“Tina,theyarenothingmorethanpinpricks,”repliedZoe.Thetwogoonscranedtheirlongneckstogetacloserlook,andnoddedtheir

heads inagreementwithZoe.This infuriatedTinaandher facewent fiery redlikeavolcanoabouttoexplode.Therewasaneeriesilenceforamoment.Iamabouttodie,thoughtZoe.Sheisactuallygoingtokillme.Thenthebellrangfortheendofbreak.“Well, if you’ll excuse us,” saidZoe,more calmly than she felt, “Armitage

andIdon’twanttobelateforourHistoryclass.”“Whyis’ecalleddat?”gruntedonegoon.“Erm, it’s a long story,” said Zoe, who wasn’t about to tell them he was

namedafteratoilet.“Anothertimeperhaps.Goodbye!”Thethreebulliesweretooshockedtostopher.Cuppingherlittlefriendinher

hand,shestrolledoutofthetoilets.Justclearofthedoor,sherealisedshewasn’tactually breathing, and that she should probably start again. Then she gaveArmitagealittlekissonthehead.“You are my guardian angel!” she whispered before placing him carefully

backinherbreastpocket.ZoesuddenlyrealisedTinaandhergangmightbefollowingher,sowithout

lookingback,shequickenedherpace.ThestrollbecameastrideandthestridebecameasprintandbeforesheknewitshewassittingbreathlessinherHistoryclass,whichwaspresidedoverbyMissMidge.As theHistory teacherwasanexceptionally short lady, she had inevitably been given the nickname ‘MissMidget’,ormoresimply‘Midget’.The teacher always wore knee-high leather boots with heels that made her

lookevenshorter thansheactuallywas.However,whatMissMidge lacked inheightshemadeupforinferocity.Herteethwouldnothavebeenoutofplaceinthemouthofacrocodile.Shebaredtheseteethwheneverapupildispleasedher,which was often. Kids didn’t have to do much to infuriate her, even aninvoluntary sneeze or a cough could result in a monstrous snarl from theterrifyingbuttinyteacher.

“Youarelate,”growledMissMidge.“Sorry,MissMidget,”saidZoe,withoutthinking.Ohno.Therewereafewchucklesfromherclassmates,butmainlygasps.Zoewasso

usedtocallingtheHistoryteacher‘MissMidget’behindherbackthatshehaddoneittoherfacebymistake!“Whatdidyousay?”demandedMissMidge.“Isaid‘sorry,MissMidge’,”splutteredZoe.Thesweatthathadsprungupon

herrunfromthegirls’toiletswasnowteemingoutofherpores.Zoelookedlikeshe had been caught in a vicious thunderstorm. Armitage was squirming too,probably because the blazer pocket that had become his home was suddenlydampwithwarm sweat. Itmust be like a sauna in there! Surreptitiously, Zoereachedahanduptoherbreastandpattedgentlytocalmherlittlefriend.“Onemorepieceofmisconduct fromyou,” saidMissMidge,“andyouwill

notjustbeoutofthisclassroom,youwillbeoutoftheschool.”Zoegulped.Shehadonly just started at big school, and shewasn’t used to

gettingintotrouble.Shehadneverdoneanythingwrongatherlittleschool,andeventhethoughtofdoingsomethingwrongfrightenedher.“Now, back to the lesson. Today you are going to learn more about... the

BlackDeath!”pronouncedMissMidge,asshescrawledthewordsashighasshecouldreachontheboard,whichwasactuallythebottom.WritingontheboardwasarealproblemforMissMidge,infact.Sometimes

shewouldorderachildtogetdownontheclassroomfloorontheirhandsandknees.

Theminiature teacherwould thenclimbon topof them, so shecould reach

high enough towipe the board clean of the previous teacher’s scribbling. Forvery high scribblings from very tall teachers you simply stacked up morechildren.

The Black Death was not on the school history syllabus, but Miss Midgetaught itanyway.Legendhadit thatoneyearallofherclassfailedtheirexambecause insteadof teachingthemaboutQueenVictoriashespentawholeyearrelishing the gruesome details of themedieval torture of being hanged, drawnandquartered.MissMidgewould refuse to teachanythingbut themostgrislypassages of history: beheadings, flogging, burning at the stake. The teacherwould grin and bare her crocodile teeth at themention of anything cruel andbrutalandbarbaric.In fact, this termMissMidge had been going on non-stop about the Black

Death.Itwasherabsoluteobsession.Unsurprisingreally,asthiswasoneofthedarkest periods in human history, when in the fourteenth century 100millionpeople died from a terrifying infectious disease.Victimswould be covered ingiant boils, vomit blood, and die.The cause, they had learned in the previouslesson,wasnothingmorethanafleabite.“Boilsthesizeofapples!Imaginethat.Vomitinguntilallthatwaslefttosick

upwasyourownblood!Theycouldn’tdig thegraves fastenough!Wonderful

stuff!”ThechildrenstaredatMissMidge,open-mouthedwithterror.Atthatmoment

theheadmasterMrGraveenteredtheclassroomwithoutknocking,hislongcoatflappingbehindhimlikeacape.Thenaughtykidsatthebackoftheclasswhohadbeentextingthroughoutthelessonquicklyhidtheirmobilephonesunderthedesk.“Ah,MrGrave,towhatdoIowethepleasure?”saidMissMidge,smiling.“Is

itaboutthetalentshow?”Zoe had long since suspected that Miss Midge had a soft spot for the

headmaster.Onlythatmorning,Zoehadpassedaposter inthecorridorfor theend-of-term talent show that Miss Midge was putting on. The poster was ofcourseplacedverylowdownonthewall,reallyatkneeheightformostpupils.ItseemedveryoutofcharacterforMissMidgetoorganisesomethingsofun,andZoewondered if she had only done it to impress the headmaster. ItwaswellknownthatMrGrave,despitehisscaryvampireappearance,wasagreatloverofschoolplaysandthelike.“Good morning, Miss Midget, I mean Miss Midge…” Even Mr Grave

couldn’tstophimself!TheHistoryteacher’ssmiledropped.“I am afraid it isn’t about the talent show, though I am grateful to you for

puttingiton.”MissMidgebeamedagain.“No,”boomedMrGrave.“It’ssomethingmuchmoreseriousI’mafraid.”MissMidge’ssmiledroppedoncemore.“Yousee,”saidtheheadmaster,“thecaretakerhasfounda...a...droppingin

thegirls’toilets.”

llthekidsintheclassstartedsniggeringwhentheheadmasterusedtheword‘dropping’,exceptZoe.“Someonedidapooonthetoiletfloor,sir?!”askedoneoftheboys,laughing.“Not a human dropping! An animal one!” shouted the headmaster. “Mr

Bunsen, the head of Science, is studying it now to find outwhat animal it isfrom.Butwesuspectittobesomekindofrodent…”Armitagewriggled,andZoegulped.Aroguedroppingmusthaveploppedout

unnoticedontothetoiletfloor.Stayvery,verystill,Armitage,thoughtZoe.Unfortunately,Armitagewasnotamind-reader.“Ifanypupilconsidersitacceptabletobringapetintothisschool,letmetell

you it is forbidden. Strictly forbidden!” pronounced the headmaster from thefrontoftheclass.Itwasfunnyseeingthe twoteachersstandnext toeachotherforamoment,

suchwastheheightdifference.“Any pupil found smuggling an animal of any kind into school will be

instantlysuspended.Thatisall!”Withthat,heturnedandlefttheroom.“Masterful! Goodbye, Mr Grave…!” called Miss Midge after him. She

watchedhimgo,wistfully.Thensheturnedbacktoherpupils.“Right,youheardColin,ImeanMrGrave.Itisforbiddentobringpetsintoschool.”Thekidsalllookedaroundateachotherandstartedwhispering.“Bringapet intoschool?”Zoecouldhear themsaying toeachother.“Who

wouldbesostupid?”Zoesatasstillasshecould,staringforwardinsilence.“SILENCE!” snarled Miss Midge, and there was silence. “It is not an

opportunity to talk!Now let’s get back to the lesson. TheBlackDeath.” Sheunderlinedthosethreewordsontheboard.“So,howdid the incrediblydeadlydisease travelall theway fromChina to

Europe?Anybody?”asked the teacherwithout turningaround.Shewasoneofthose teachers who asked questions but didn’t wait for answers. So, amillisecondafterposingthequestion,sheherselfansweredit.

“Nobody?Ratsbroughtthefataldisease.Rats,onboardmerchantships.”Zoecouldn’tfeelArmitagesquirmingaroundanymore,andbreathedasigh

ofrelief.Hemusthavegonetosleep.“But it wasn’t the rats’ fault, was it?” blurted out Zoe,without putting her

handup.Shecouldn’tbelieveherlittlefriend’sgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgrandparentscouldberesponsibleforsuchincrediblesuffering.Armitagewasfartoosweettohurtasoul.MissMidge spun round on her heels (which despite being high still didn’t

makeherevenofmediumheight).“Didyouspeak,child?”shewhispered,asifshewasawitchincantingaspell.“Yes,yes…”splutteredZoe,nowbeginningtowishshehadkepthermouth

shut after all. “Forgive me, but I just wanted to say, Miss Midge, that youshouldn’treallyblametheratsforthisterribledisease,asitwasn’ttheirfault.Itwasthefleascatchingafreerideontheirbacksthatarereallytoblame…”All the kids in the classwere now looking at Zoe in disbelief.Despite this

being a rough school, and teachers often having to leave with nervousbreakdowns,nooneeverinterruptedMissMidge,especiallynottospringtothedefenceofrats.Theclassroomfelldeathlysilent.Zoelookedaround.Everypairofeyesinthe

roomwasnowglaringather.Mostofthegirlslookeddisgusted,andmostoftheboyswerelaughing.Then, suddenly, Zoe felt like she had a tremendous itchy itch on her head.

Quitetheitchiestitchyitchthathadeveritched.Itwas,inaword,itchtastic.Whatonearthisthat…?shewondered.“Zoe?”sneeredMissMidge,nowstaring intentlyatexactly theplacewhere

Zoehadtheitchonherhead.“Yes,Miss?”askedZoe,perfectlyinnocently.“Youhavearatonyourhead…”

hatistheworstthingthatcouldeverhappentoyouatschool?Whenyouarriveinthemorning,youwalkthroughtheplaygroundandrealise

youforgottoputonanyclothesexceptyourschooltie?

Inanexamyoubecomesonervousaboutgettingtheanswersrightandyourstomachchurnsupsobadlythatyourbumexplodes?

Duringafootballmatchyourunaroundkissingallyourteam-matesafteryouhavescoredagoal,onlytobetoldbythePEteacherthatitwas,infact,anowngoal?

YoutraceyourfamilytreeinaHistoryclassandyoufindoutyouarerelated

toyourheadmaster?

Youhaveasneezingfit infrontof thehead teacherandcover themhead totoeinsnot?

It’sfancydressdayatschoolbutyouget thedatewrongandyouspendtheentiredaydressedupasLadyGaga?

YouareplayingHamletinWilliamShakespeare’splayatschoolandhalfwaythrough the ‘To be or not to be…’ speech your Auntie rushes up from the

audience,spitsonatissueandwipesyourfacewithit?

Youtakeoffyour trainersaftergamesandthesmellofmouldycheese issobadtheentireschoolhastobecloseddownforaweektobede-fumigated?

At lunchtime in the dininghall youoverdose onbakedbeans andyoudo ablow-offthatlastsallafternoon?

Yousmugglearatintoschoolinyourblazeranditclimbsupandsitsonyourheadduringalesson?

Anyofthosewouldbeenoughtogetyouaddedtothelistofinfamouspupils– thosefamousforall thewrongreasons.With the‘ratonhead’ incident,Zoewasabouttobeonthelistofshameforever.“Youhavearatonyourhead,”repeatedMissMidge.“Oh,doI,Miss?”saidZoe,mock-innocently.“Don’t worry,” said Miss Midge. “Sit very still, and we’ll call for the

caretaker.I’msurehecankillit.”“Killit!No!”Zoereachedontoherheadandliftedtherodentoverhernow-

even-more-wirymessofredhairandhelditinfrontofher.Childrenaroundhergotupfromtheirseatsandbackedawayfromher.“Zoe...doyouknowthisrat?”saidMissMidge,suspiciously.“Um...no,”saidZoe.Atthispoint,Armitageranupherarmandclimbedintoherbreastpocket.Zoelookeddownathim.“Er…”“Didthatratjustclimbintoyourpocket?”“No,”saidZoe,ridiculously.“Itisclear,”saidMissMidge,“thatthisfilthybeastisyourpet.”“Armitageisnotafilthybeast!”“Armitage?”saidMissMidge.“Whyonearthishecalledthat?!”“Oh, it’s a long story, Miss. Look, he’s safely in my pocket now. Please

continue.”The teacher and the rest of the class were so gobsmacked by her casual

response, for a moment no one knew what to say or do. The silence wasdeafening,butitdidn’tlast.“You heard what the headmaster said,” roared Miss Midge. “Instant

suspension!”“ButbutbutIcanexplain…”

“GETOUT!GETOUTOFMYCLASSROOMYOUVILELITTLEGIRL!ANDTAKETHATDISGUSTINGCREATUREWITHYOU!”snarledtheteacher.Withoutmakingeyecontactwithanyone,Zoequietlygatheredherbooksand

pensandputtheminherplasticbag.Shepushedherchairbackanditsquealedagainsttheshinyfloor.“Excuseme,” saidZoe tonoone inparticular.Asquietly as shecould, she

made her way to the door. She put her hand on the handle— “ISAID‘INSTANTSUSPENSION’!”yelledMissMidge.“IDON’TWANTTOSEEYOUUNTILTHEENDOFTERM!”“Um…Bub-byethen,”saidZoe,notsureofwhatelsetosay.She opened the classroom door slowly, and closed it quietly behind her.

Behindthefrostedglassinthecorridorshecouldseethirtydistortedlittlefacespressthemselvesupagainstittowatchhergo.Therewasapause.Thentherewasanenormouseruptionoflaughter,asthelittlegirlmadeher

wayalongthehall.MissMidgeyelledatthem,“SILENCE!”Witheveryonestill inclass, theschoolfeltstrangely tranquil.AllZoecould

hearwereherownlittlefootstepsechoingalongthecorridor,andtheflappingoftheroguesoleofhershoe.Foramomentthedramaofwhathadonlyjusttakenplace seemed extremely distant, as if it had all happened in someone else’slifetime. School had never felt so eerily empty before, it was like this was adream.Yetifthiswasthecalmafterthestorm,itwasn’ttolastlong.Thebellrangfor

lunchbreak, and like a dambursting the classroomdoors in the long corridorflungopen and ablast of schoolchildren spurtedout.Zoequickenedherpace.SheknewthenewsofherhavingaratonherheadinHistoryclasswouldspreadliketheplagueitself.Zoehadtogetoutofschool,andfast…

oonZoenoticedshewasrunning,buthershortlittlelegswerenomatchfortheolder, tallerkids,whoweresoonbargingpasther so theycouldbe first in thequeueattheburgervantostufftheirfacesatlunch.ZoeshieldedArmitagewithherhand.Shehadbeenknockedtothegroundin

theschoolcorridorsomanytimesbefore.Atlastshemadeitoutintotherelativesafetyoftheplayground.Shekeptherheaddown,hopingnottoberecognised.However,therewasonlyonewayoutoftheplaygroundontothemainroad.

Everydaytherewasthesamegrimybeaten-upburgervanparkedoutside,whichhad‘Burt’sBurgers’emblazonedacross it.Eventhoughthefoodfromthevanwashorrible,theschooldinnerswereevenmorenauseating,somostofthekidstooktheleastworstoptionandqueuedupoutsidethevanfortheirlunch.Burtwasasunsavouryastheburgersheserved.Theself-styled‘chef’always

worethesamefilthystripedtopandgrease-encrustedjeans,whichheworelowbelowhisgiantbelly.Overthetophungabloodyoverall.Theman’shandswerealways filthy, andhis thickmopofhairwas covered in flakesofdandruff thesize ofRiceKrispies. Even his dandruff had dandruff. The flakeswould dropinto thedeep-fat fryer causing it tohiss and spurtwheneverhe leanedover it.Burtwouldsniffconstantly, likeapigsnufflinginmud.Noonehadeverseenhis eyes, as he alwayswore the samepitch-black,wraparound sunglasses.Hisfalse teeth rattled in his mouth whenever he spoke, causing him to whistleinvoluntarily. School legend had it that they had once fallen out of hismouthintoabap.

Burt’sburgervandidn’toffermuchofamenu:

And therewereno restaurant stars awardedasyet.The foodwas just about

edibleifyouwereabsolutelystarving.Youhadtopayanextra5pforasquirtofketchup,thoughitdidn’tlookortastemuchlikeketchup;itwasbrownandhadlittle black bits in it. If you complained, Burt would shrug and mutterbreathlessly,“It’smyownspecialrecipe,mydears.”ToZoe’shorror,TinaTrottswasalreadythere,rightatthefrontofthequeue.

If she hadn’t been bunking off her lesson anyway, she would surely haveintimidatedherwaytothefront.Spotting her,Zoeput her headdown even further, so that all she could see

wasthetarmac.Butherheadwasn’tfarenoughdowntogounrecognised.“RAT-GIRL!”shoutedTina.Zoepoppedherheaduptoseethelonglineof

kidsall lookingather.Someofherclassmateswerenowinthequeueaswell,andallstartedpointingandlaughing.Soonitseemedlikethewholeoftheschoolwaslaughingather.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Neverhadlaughtersoundedsocold.Zoelookedupforamoment.Hundreds

oflittleeyesstaredather,butitwasthefigureofBurt,hunchedoverinhisvan,whose face she was drawn to. His nose was twitching, and a large gloop ofslobberingsalivafellfromthecornerofhismouthintoTina’sbap...Zoecouldn’tgohome.HerstepmotherwouldbeattheflatwatchingdaytimeTV,smokingfagsand

stuffingher facewithprawncocktailcrisps. IfZoe toldherwhyshehadbeensuspended, therewasnowayshewouldbeabletokeepArmitage.Most likelySheila would instantly exterminate him.With her big heavy foot. Zoe wouldhavetopeelhimoffthesoleofherstepmother’sfurrypinkslipper.Quickly,Zoeconsideredheroptions:1)GoontherunwithArmitageandholdupbankslikeBonnie&Clydeandgooutinablazeofglory.2)BothhaveplasticsurgeryandthengoandliveinSouthAmericawherenoonewouldknowthem.3)Tellherdadandstepmotherthatitwas‘Adopt-a-Rodent’weekatschoolandtherewasabsolutelynothingtoworryabout.4)ClaimthatArmitagewasnotarealratbutananimatronicsonethatshehadmadeinScienceclass.5)Saythatshewastrainingtherodentforsometop-secretspyworkfortheIntelligenceService.6)GiveArmitageawhitehatandpainthimblueandpretendhewasatoySmurf.7)Maketwohotairballoonsoutofherstepmother’sgiganticbra,onelargeandonesmall,andflyofftherooftoanothercounty.8)Hijackamobilityscooterandspeedofftosafety.9)InventandbuildadematerialisationmachineandbeamherselfandArmitagetosafety5.10)JustgotoRaj’sshopandhavesomesweets…

Unsurprisingly,Zoechosethelastoption.“Aah,MissZoe!” proclaimedRaj, as she opened the door to his shop.The

bellrangassheentered.TING.

“Shouldn’tyoustillbeinschool,MissZoe?”Rajasked.“Yes,Ishould,”mutteredZoe,downcast.Shefeltasifshewasabouttoburst

intotears.Rajrushedoutfrombehindhiscounterandgavethelittlegingergirlahug.“What’sthematter,younglady?”heasked,pressingherheadtohisbigcomfy

belly.ItwassolongsinceanyonehadgivenZoeahug.Unfortunatelythough,herbracesgotcaughtonhiswoollencardigan,andforamomentshewasstucktohim.“Oh dear,” said Raj. “Let me just detangle myself.” He gently prised his

cardiganfromoutofthemetal.“Sorry,Raj.”“Noproblem,MissZoe.Now, tellme,”hebeganagain,“whatonearthhas

happened?”Zoetookadeepbreathandthentoldhim.“Ihavebeensuspended.”“No?!Youaresuchawell-behavedchild.Idon’tbelieveit!”“It’strue.”“Whateverfor?”Zoe thought itmight be easier to show him, so she reached into her breast

pocket,andpulledoutherrat.

“Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”screamedRaj.Hescuttledawayandclamberedupontopofthecounter.Therehestoodfor

quiteawhilescreaming.

“Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhh!!“Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhh!!“I don’t likemice,MissZoe. Please please please,MissZoe. Please. I beg

you.Putitaway.”“Don’tworry,Raj,it’snotamouse.”“No?”“No,it’sarat.”ThenRaj’seyesbulgedandheletoutadeafeningscream.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

o,no,please,”pleadedthenewsagent.“Idon’tlikeit!Idon’tlikeit!”TING!An old lady entered the shop, and looked up bemused at the newsagent

perchedontopofhiscounter.Rajwasclutchinghistrouserlegs,whatlittlehairhehadonhisheadstandingonend,andhewastramplingallthenewspapersinterrorwithhisbigclumsyfeet.“Ah,hello,MrsBennett,”saidRaj,hisvoiceshaking.“YourKnittingWeekly

isontheshelf,youcanpaymenexttime.”“What on earth are you doing up there?” enquired the old lady, quite

reasonably.Raj looked over at Zoe. Surreptitiously, she put her finger to her mouth,

imploringhimnot to tell.Shedidn’twant everyone toknowshehad a rat, orsoon the news would spread to the estate and her dreaded stepmother.Unfortunately,though,Rajwasnotanaturalliar.“Erm,um,well…”“I just bought some Spacedust,” said Zoe, stepping in. “You know, the

poppingsweets?IthadbeenleftoutinthesunandbecamehighlyexplosiveandwhenIopenedthebagitsprayedallovertheshop.”“Yes,yes,MissZoe,”chimedinRaj.“Amostregrettableincidentbecauseit’s

onlybeenfifteenyearssinceIhadtheshoprepainted.IamjusttryingtopicktheSpacedustofftheceiling.”Raj came across a particularly ingrained piece of dirt on the ceiling and

scratched at it. “Spacedust everywhere, Mrs Bennett. Please pay me nextweek…”The old lady shot him an unconvinced look and peered up at the ceiling.

“That’snotSpacedust,that’sjustapieceofsnot.”“No,no,no,MrsBennett,that’swhereyouarewrong.Look…”ReluctantlyRajusedhisfingernailtopriseawaythebogiehehadlongsince

sneezedupthereandpoppeditinhismouth.“Pop!”headdedunconvincingly.“Oh,IloveSpacedust!”MrsBennettlookedatthenewsagentasifhewasquitemad.“Itlookedmore

likeabigpieceofsnottome,”shemutteredbeforeleavingtheshop.TING.Rajquicklyspatouttheancientbogie.“Look,thelittlethingisnotgoingtohurtyou,”saidZoe.Shegentlytookhim

outofherpocket.CautiouslyRajclambereddown,andslowlyapproachedhisworstnightmare.“He’sonlyababy,”saidZoeencouragingly.SoonRajwasateyelevelwiththerodent.

“Ooh,well,heisaparticularlyprettyone.Lookathisdinkylittlenose,”saidRajwithasweetsmile.“What’shisname?”“Armitage,”answeredZoeconfidently.“Whyishecalledthat?”askedRaj.Zoewasembarrassedshehadnamedherpetafteramakeoftoiletandsimply

said,“Oh,it’salongstory.Givehimastroke.”“No!”“Hewon’thurtyou.”“Ifyouaresure…”“Ipromise.”“Comehere,littleArmitage,”whisperedthenewsagent.TheratsquirmedclosertoRajtobestrokedbythisfrightened-lookingman.“AAAAAAHHHHH!HEMADEALUNGEATME!”shoutedRaj,

andwiththatheranoutoftheshopwavinghisarmsintheair…TING.Zoe followedhimout, and sawhewashalfwaydown the street, running so

fasthewouldgivetheOlympic-gold-winningsprintersarunfortheirmoney.“COMEBACK!”sheshouted.Raj stoppedand turned round, and reluctantlyploddedbackpast the rowof

shopstohisone.Whenhefinallytiptoedthelastfewpacestowardsthegirland

herpet,Zoesaid,“Hewasjusttryingtosayhello.”“No,no,no,sorry,buthegotquiteclose.”“Don’tbeababy,Raj.”“Iknow,sorry.He’slovelyreally.”Raj took a deep breath, and reached out to giveArmitage the gentlest little

stroke.“It’snippyout.Let’stakehiminside.”TING.“WhatamIgoingtodowithhim,Raj?Mystepmotherwon’tletmekeephim

athome,especiallyasthelittlefellagotmesuspendedfromschool.Thatwomanhatedmyhamster,sheisneverinamillionyearsgoingtoletmekeeparat.”Raj thought for amoment. To aid concentration he popped an extra strong

mintinhismouth.“Maybeyoushouldsethimfree,”saidthenewsagentfinally.“Free?”saidZoe,asingletearwellinginhereye.“Yes.Ratsarenotmeanttobepets…”“Butthislittleoneissocute…”“Perhaps,butheisgoingtogrow.Hecan’tspendhiswholelifeinyourblazer

pocket.”“ButIlovehim,Raj,Ireallydo.”“Nodoubt,MissZoe,”saidRaj,crunchingonhisextrastrongmint.“Andif

youlovehim,youshouldsethimfree.”

o thiswas goodbye. Zoe knew deep down shewould never be able to keepArmitage for long.Therewere a hundred reasons, but themost important onewas:

HEWASARAT.Childrendon’thave ratsaspets.Theyhavecatsanddogsandhamstersand

gerbils and guinea pigs andmice and rabbits and terrapins and tortoises, poshonesevensometimeshaveponies,butneverrats.Ratsliveinsewers,notinlittlegirls’bedrooms.ZoetrudgedmiserablyoutofRaj’sshop.Thenewsagentmaysometimestry

andsellhiscustomersahalf-eatenchocolatebar,orputapartiallysuckedtoffeebonbonback in thesweet jar,butall the localkidsknewthatwhen itcame toadvicehewasthebest.AndthatmeantshehadtosaygoodbyetoArmitage.SoZoetookthelongwaybacktoherflats,throughthepark.Shethoughtthis

wouldbetheperfectplacetoset littleArmitagefree.Therewouldbecrustsofbread left out for the ducks for him to eat, a pond for him to drink from andmaybeeventaketheoccasionalbathin,andperhapstherewasasquirrelortwowhomhecouldbefriend,oratleastonedaybeonnoddingtermswith.Thelittlegirlcarriedthelittleratinherhandforthelastpartofthejourney.

Asitwasthemiddleoftheafternoon,theparkwasallbutemptysaveforafewold ladies being walked by their dogs. Armitage wrapped his tail around herthumb.Itwasalmostas ifhesensedsomethingwasamiss,andheclungon toherlittlefingersastightlyashecould.Trudgingalongas slowlyaspossible,Zoeeventually reached themiddleof

thepark.Shestoppedagooddistancefromtheyappingdogsandhissingswansandbarkingpark-keeper.Slowlyshecroucheddowntothegroundandunclosedherhand.Armitagedidn’tmove.Itwasasifhedidn’twanttobepartedfromhisnewfriend.Hecuddleduptoherhand,breakingZoe’sheartashedidit.Zoeshookherhanda little,but thisonlymadehimgrip tighterwithhis tail

andtoes.Fightingbacktearsshepickedtheratupgentlybythefurontheback

ofhisneckandplacedhimcarefullyon thegrass.OnceagainArmitagedidn’tmove.Insteadhejustlookedupatherlongingly.Zoekneltdownandkissedhimgentlyonhislittlepinknose.“Goodbye,littlefellow,”shewhispered.“Iamgoingtomissyou.”A teardropped fromhereye. It landedonArmitage’swhiskersandhis tiny

pinktongueslippedouttocatchit.The little rat tiltedhis littlehead toone side, as if trying tounderstandher,

whichjustmadeitharderforZoe.In fact, sayinggoodbyewassounbearablysad, she justcouldn’t take itany

more.Zoetookabigbreathandstoodup,andpromisedherselfshewouldnotlookback.Thatpromiselastedonlyadozensteps,asshecouldn’thelpstealingaglanceonelasttimetothespotwhereshelefthim.ToZoe’ssurprise,Armitagewasalreadygone.Hemusthavealreadyscamperedofftothesafetyofthebushes,shethought.

Shescouredthenearbygrassforsignsofmovement,butitwastallandhewasshort,andapartfromalightbreezeblowingthetips,thegrassdidn’tmove.Zoeturnedroundandreluctantlyheadedhome.Leavingthepark,shecrossedtheroad.Foramomentitwasfreeofthehum

ofcars,andinthesilence,Zoethoughtsheheardatiny‘eek’.Shespunround,andinthemiddleoftheroadwasArmitage.Hehadbeenfollowingherallalong.“Armitage!”sheexclaimedexcitedly.Hedidn’twanttobefree;hewantedto

be with her! She was so glad. She had been imagining all kinds of awfulscenariosfromthemomentshe lefthimbehind– likeArmitagebeinggobbledupbyaviciousswan,orwandering into the roadandbeinghitbya ten-tonnetruck.AtthatmomentsomethingcamethunderingalongtheroadtowardsArmitage,

whowasstillscamperingslowlyacrosstojoinZoe.Itwas...aten-tonnetruck.Zoe stood frozen, watching the truck speeding closer and closer towards

Armitage. The driver would never spot a baby rat in the road, and Armitagewouldbeflattened,andbenothingmorethanasplatonthetarmac…

“NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”criedZoe,butthetruckthunderedon.Therewasnothingshecoulddo.Armitagelookedinthedirectionofthetruckand,realisinghewasintrouble,

startedscamperingbackandforthacrosstheroad.Thelittleratwasinaterrible

panic.ButifZoeranintotheroadshewouldbeflattenedtoo!Itwastoolate.ThetruckroaredoverhimandZoecoveredhereyeswithher

hands.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Onlywhenshecouldhearthetruck’senginefadingintothedistancedidZoe

dareopenhereyesagain.Shelookedforthesplatontheroad.Butitwasn’tthere.What was there... was Armitage! A little shaken perhaps, but alive. The

lorry’sgianttyresmusthavejustmissedhim.Looking right and left and right again to check therewereno cars,Zoe ran

intotheroadandscoopedhimup.“Iamnotlettinggoofyou,ever,”saidZoe,assheheldhimclose.Armitage

letoutalittleloving‘eek’…

ature finds a way to create life everywhere. In a smelly alleyway thatconnectedtheroadtoZoe’sestate,amongallthecrispwrappersandemptybeercans, stood a proud little blackberry bush. Zoe loved the blackberries – theywere like free sweets.Shewaspretty sureArmitagewould like them too.Shepickedalargeoneforherself,andalittleoneforherfurryfriend.Carefully,sheplacedthebabyratontothewall.AsArmitagewatched,Zoe

put the blackberry into her mouth and started chewing enthusiastically andmakingappreciativenoises.Then she took the smallerblackberrybetweenherthumb and forefinger and held it out towards him. Armitage must have beenhungrybecauseslowlyhestooduponhishindlegstogreetit.Zoewas delighted.The rat took the blackberry between his front paws and

nibbleditgreedily.Itwasgoneinseconds.SoonhewaslookinglonginglyupatZoeforanotherone.Shepickedanotheroff thebushandhelditupjustabovehis nose. Without hesitation, Armitage stood up on his hind legs again. Zoemovedtheblackberryaround,andhefolloweditaroundonhisbacklegs.Itwasasifhewasdoingalittledance.“Whata talentedfellowyouare!”saidZoe,asshegavehimtheblackberry.

Onceagainheateitgreedily,andZoestrokedthebackofhisneck.“Goodboy!”Inside, shewas buzzingwith excitement.Armitage could be trained!Better

still,itwaslikehewantedtobe.He’dgottheideaofstandingupevenquickerthanGingernuthad…SoonZoewaspluckingasmanyblackberriesasshecouldoffthebush.Justas

shehadwithherhamster,shebeganteachingArmitagesometricks.Therewas:

Thewalk.

Thejump.

Thehopononeleg.

Thewave.

Thedance.

Soon the bushwas bare, andArmitage looked rather stuffed and tired. Zoeknewitwastimetostop.Shewhiskedhimupinherarmsandgavehimakissonhisnose.“You are amazing,Armitage.That’swhat Iwill call youwhenwe perform

togetheronstage.TheAmazingArmitage!”Zoeskippeddownthealleyway.Herheartwasdancing,aswereherfeet.ItwasonlywhenZoereachedherestatethatthespringinherstepvanished.

Notonlywould shehave to tell her stepmother that shewas suspended, she’dhavetocomeupwithsomeexplanationastowhy.Thewhole episodewould give her stepmother a reason tomake Zoe’s life

evenmoreofalivinghell.Andwhatwasamilliontimesworse,areasontoendthelittlerat’slife.Alifethathadonlyjustbegun.As Zoe approached the great leaning tower block, she noticed something

peculiar.Burt’sburgervanwasparkedrightoutsidehertoweringblockofflats.Inthemanyyearsshehadlivedtheresincehermotherdied,shehadnevereverseenthevantherebefore.Itwasonlyeverparkedoutsideherschool.Whatonearthisthatdoingthere?shethought.Evenfromadistance,thesmelloffriedmeatwasstomach-churning.However

hungry Zoewas, she had never bought a burger fromBurt’s van. The stenchalone was enough to make her want to projectile-vomit. The ketchup wasdecidedlyiffytoo.Passingthevan,shenoticedhowdisgustinglygrimyitwas–eventhedirtwasdirty.Zoeranherindexfingeralongthechassis,andasplodgeofsludgeaninchthickcameoffinherhand.PerhapsBurthas justmoved into theblockof flats, she thought.Shehoped

not though, as he was seriously creepy. Burt was the sort of man yournightmareshadnightmaresabout.Thetinyflatwashighuponthe37thfloor,buttheliftalwaysstank.Youhadto

hold your breath in there,whichwasn’t easy over thirty-seven floors. So Zoewouldalwaystakethestairs.Armitagewassafelylyinginherblazerpocket,andshecould feel theweightofhis tinybodybounceagainstherheartwitheverystep.Her breathing grew louder and louder as she ascended the building.Thestairs were littered with all kinds of rubbish, from cigarette butts to emptybottles. The steps stank too, but not as much as the lift, and of course youweren’tsoclosedin.Asusual,bythetimeZoereachedthe37thfloor,shewascompletelybreathless

andpantinglikeadog.Zoestoodoutsidethefrontdoorforamoment,pausingtocatchherbreathbeforesheputherkeyinthelock.TheheadmasterMrGravewould no doubt have called her parents to tell them their daughter had beensuspended.Within seconds,Zoewas sure to let looseher stepmother’s fury, afurynodoubtmorerabideventhanthehoundsofhell.Zoe silently twisted the key, and reluctantly pushed the rotting door open.

Even thoughherstepmother rarelywentout, theTVwasoffandZoecouldn’thearanyone in thehouse, soshe tiptoedacross thehall toherbedroom,beingcareful to avoid the squeakiest floorboards. She turned the door handle to herroomandsteppedinside.Astrangemanwasstandinginherbedroomfacingthewindow.

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!”Zoescreamed,startled.Thenthemanturnedround.ItwasBurt.

smellarat!”wheezedBurt.Exceptitwasn’tBurt.Well,itwasBurt,buthehaddrawnamoustacheonhis

faceverypoorlywithamarkerpen.

“What on earth are you doing here?” said Zoe. “And why have you got amoustachedrawnonyourface?”“It is a realmoustache,my dear,” said Burt. He breathed heavily when he

spoke.Hisvoicematchedhisface:theyhadbothsteppedoutofahorrorfilm.“No,it’snot.You’vedrawniton.”“No,Ihaven’t.”“Yes,youhave,Burt.”“MynameisnotBurt,child.IamBurt’stwinbrother.”“What’syournamethen?”Burtthoughtforamoment.“Burt.”“Yourmumhadtwinsandcalledthemboth‘Burt’?”“Wewereverypoorandwecouldn’taffordanameeach.”“Justgetoutofmyroom,youcreep!”AllofasuddenZoeheardherstepmotherpoundalongthecorridor.“Don’tya

darespeaktothenicepestcontrolmanlikedat!”shescreeched,asshewaddledintotheroom.“He’snotthepestcontrolman.Hesellsburgers!”protestedZoe.Burt stoodbetween themwitha smirkonhis face. Itwas impossible to see

whathiseyesweredoingbecausehiswraparoundsunglasseswereblackasthe

deepest,darkestoil.“Wot are ya talkin’ about, ya stupid girl? He catches rats,” shouted Zoe’s

stepmother.“Don’tya?”Burtnoddedsilentlyandsmiled,flashinghisill-fittingfalseteeth.The littlegirlgrabbedherstepmotherbyher thick tattooedforearm,and led

hertothewindow.“Lookathisvan!”shedeclared.“Tellmewhat’swrittenontheside!”Sheila lookedoutof thegrimywindow, to thevehiclesparkeddownbelow.

“Burt’sPestControl,”sheread.“What?”saidZoe.Shewipedsomeofthesmudgesoffthewindow,andpeeredout.Thewoman

wasright.Itdidsaythat.Howwasitpossible?Itlookedlikethesamevan.Zoelooked over atBurt.His smirk hadwidened.As shewatched, he took a dirtylittle brown paper bag out of his pocket, and picked something out of it. Zoecouldhaveswornwhateverheputinhismouthwasmoving.Couldithavebeenacockroach?Wasthatthisdepravedman’sideaofasnack?!“See?”saidBurt.“I’maratcatcher.”“Whatever,”saidZoe.Sheturnedtoherstepmother.“Evenifheis,whichhe

isn’tbecausehe’saburger-vanman,whyisheinmybedroom?”shedemanded.“Heis’erecozhe’eardatschooldatyabroughtaratintoyalessons,”replied

herstepmother.“It’salie!”saidZoe,lying.“Denwhydid Igetacall fromyour ’eadmaster today?Eh?EH?ANSWER

ME!’Etoldmeeveryfink.Yadisgustinglittlegirl.”“Idon’twantany trouble,mydear,”saidBurt.“Justhand the littlecreature

over.”Heheldouthisgrubbyandgnarledhand.Burthadadirtyoldcageonthefloorbyhisfeetthatlookedlikeitwasmadefromametalbasketfromadeep-fatfryer. Only instead of using it to fry chips, he had squashed hundreds andhundredsofratsintoit.At firstglance,Zoe thought theratsweredead,as theyweren’tmoving.On

closerinspection,sherealisedtheywerealive,itwasjusttheywerepackedinsotighttheycouldhardlymove.Manylookedliketheycouldhardlybreatheeither,theywereallsosquashedintogether.Itwasasickeningsight,andZoewantedtocryattheshockingcrueltyofit.JustthenZoefeltArmitagewrigglinginherbreastpocket.Perhapshecould

smellfear.Thelittlegirldiscreetlybroughtherhanduptoherbreasttohidethewriggles.Hermindwasracingwithpotentiallies,beforeshearrivedatone.“I set him free,” she said. “The headmaster is right, I did bring a rat into

school,but I sethim free in thepark. Just askRaj–he toldme todo it.You

should go and look for the rat in the park,” she added, suddenly cuppingArmitagethroughherblazerpocket,asthelittlerodentwassquirminglikecrazynow.Therewasadeathlypause.ThenBurtsneered,“Youarelying,mydear.”“I’mnot!”saidZoe,alittletooquickly.“Don’t lie to the niceman,” bellowedSheila. “We can’t ’ave another filthy

disease-riddencreaturerunnin’aroundtheflat.”“I’mnotlying,”protestedZoe.“Icansmellit,”saidthevileman,hisvilenosetwitching.“Icansmellarat

frommilesaway.”

Burtsniffedtheair,thenwheezed.“Babyonessmellespeciallysweet…”Helickedhislips,andZoeshuddered.“There’snorathere,”saidZoe.“Hand it over,” said Burt. “Then I give it a quick whack with this special

high-tech rodent stunner.”Heproducedabloodymallet fromhisbackpocket.“It’spainless really, theydon’t feela thing.Thenhecan joinhis friends foraniceplayinhere.”Burtindicatedthecage,bykickingithardwiththeheelofhisdirtyboot.Zoe was horrified, but composed herself before she spoke. “You are quite

wrong,Iamafraid.Thereisnorathere.Ifitcomesbackwewillofcoursecallyouimmediately.Thankyou.”“Handitover.Now,”wheezedthesinisterman.

Meanwhile, Sheila was studying the stepdaughter she loathed intently, andnoticedtheawkwardpositioningofherlefthand.“Ya vile creature!” accused the woman, as she yanked her stepdaughter’s

handaway.“It’sinherblazer.”“Madam,youholdherdown,”directedBurt.“Icanwhacktheratthroughthe

cloth.Therewillbelessbloodonthecarpetthatway.”“Nooooooooooooooo!”screamedZoe.Shetriedtowrestleherarmawayfrom

her stepmother, but the woman was a lot bigger and stronger than herstepdaughter.Thelittlegirl lostherbalanceandcrashedto thefloor.Armitagewriggledoutofherpocketandstartedscurryingacrossthecarpet.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”screamedherstepmother.“Getitawayfromme!”“Trustme,hewon’tfeelathing,”wheezedBurt,ashegotdownonhishands

andknees,brandishingthebloodymallet.Hisnosetwitchedashechasedtherataroundtheroom,whackingtheimplementontothefloor,missingArmitagebymillimetres.“Stop!”screamedZoe.“You’llkillhim!”Shetriedtomakeachargeattheman,butherstepmotherheldherbackbyher

arms.“Come here, you little beauty!” whispered Burt, as he brought the mallet

crashingdownrepeatedlyon to thedustycarpet,plumesof ingraineddirtnowexplodingintotheairwitheverythwack.Armitage scurried this way and that, trying desperately to avoid being

whacked.Themalletwallopeddown,justcatchinghistail.

“Eeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!” squealed the rat in pain, and hedashedofftohideunderZoe’sbed.ThisdidnotdeterBurt,who,withouttakingoffhisdarkglasses,gotdownontohisbellyandslitheredunderthebedlikeasnake,flailinghismalletwildlyfromsidetoside.Zoe writhed out of her stepmother’s grasp and launched herself on to the

man’sbackassoonasheappearedfromunderthebed.Thelittlegirlhadneverhitanyonebefore,andnowshehadleapedastridehisbacklikeacowboyonabullatanAmericanrodeo,thumpinghisshoulderswithallhermight.Within seconds her stepmother yanked her off by her hair and pinned her

againstthewall,beforeBurtdisappearedunderthebedagain.

“Zoe,no!You’reananimal.Ya’earme?Ananimal!”screamedthewoman.Zoehadneverseenherstepmothersouncontrollablyangry.Muffledunderthebed,Zoecouldhearthudafterthudofthemalletcrashing

down on the carpet. Tears were streaming down the girl’s face. She couldn’tbelieveherbelovedlittlefriendwasgoingtomeetsuchaviolentend.

THWACK!Andthentherewassilence.Burtwriggledoutfromunderthebed.Exhausted,

hesatonthefloor.Inonehandheheldthebloodymallet.Betweenthefingersofhis other hand he held a lifeless Armitage, dangling by his tail, beforeannouncingtriumphantly…“Gotcha!”

rawncocktailcrisp?”offeredSheilatotheman.“Mmm,don’tmindifIdo,”Burtreplied.“Justone.”“Sorry.”“So,er,wot’appenstoalltheserats?”continuedSheilainherposhestvoice

as she showed Burt to the door. Zoe was sitting crying on her bed. HerstepmotherwassoappalledbyZoe’sbehaviourshehadlockedherinherroom.AsmuchasZoe rattled thehandleandbangedon thedoor, itwouldn’tmove.Thelittlegirlwasutterlybroken.Therewasnothingtodobutweep.Shelistenedtoherstepmothershowtherepulsivemanout.“Well I tell the kiddies…” replied Burt in a tone that was meant to be

reassuringbutactuallysoundeddisturbing,“…thattheyallgotoaspecialhotelforrats.”Sheilalaughed.“Andtheybelieveya?”“Yes, the little fools think they all get to frolic outdoors in the sunshine,

beforerelaxinginaspaarea,havingmassagesandfacialsandthelike!”“Butreally…?”whisperedSheila.“Ipulverisethem!Inmyspecialpulverisationmachine!”Sheilaletoutagurglinglaugh.“Isitpainful?”“Very!”“Haha!Good.Doyastampon’em?”“No.”“Oh,Iwouldstampon’emandthenpulverisethem.Thentheywouldsuffer

twiceasmuch!”“Imusttrythat,Mrs…?”“Oh,justcallmeSheila.Anotherprawncocktailcrisp?”“Ooh,yesplease.”“Justone.”“Sorry.Suchadelicateflavour,”musedBurt.“Exactlylikearealprawncocktail,Idunnohowtheydoit.”

“Haveyoueverhadarealprawncocktail?”“Nah,”replied thewoman.“ButIdon’tneedto.Theytaste just thesameas

thecrisps.”“Butofcourse.Madam, ifyoudon’tmindmesaying,youareanextremely

beautifulwoman.Iwouldlovetotakeyououtfordinnertonight.”“Oh,yanaughtyman!”flirtedZoe’sstepmother.“ThenIcantreatyoutooneofmyveryspecialburgers.”“Ooh,yeahplease!”Thehorrificwomanaddedanothersickeninglygirlylittle

laugh at the end. Zoe couldn’t believe her stepmotherwas actually flirting sooutrageouslywiththisloathsomeindividual.“Justme,youandalltheburgerswecanstuffdownourgobs…”musedBurt.“Howromantic…”whisperedSheila.“Untillater,myPrincess…”Zoeheardthedoorclose,andherstepmotherthunderbackalongthecorridor

toherdaughter’sbedroom,beforeunlockingthedoor.“You’reinsomuchtrouble,younglady!”saidSheila.Shemusthavekissed

Burtgoodbyebecauseshenowhadblackmarkerpenaboveherlip.

“Idon’tcare!”saidZoe.“AllIcareaboutisArmitage.Ihavetosavehim.”“Who’sArmitage?!”“He’stherat.”“Whywouldyacallaratthat?”askedthewoman,incredulous.

“It’salongstory.”“Wellit’sacompletelystupidnameforarat.”“Whatwouldyoucallhim?”Sheilathoughtforalongwhile.“Well?”askedZoe.“I’mfinkin’.”A long silence followed during which Sheila looked like she was

concentratingveryhard.Finallyshesaid,“Ratty!”“Abitunoriginal,”mutteredZoe.Thatmadeherstepmotherevenmorefurious.“You’reevil.Yaknowthat,younglady.Evil!I’vegotagoodmindtothrow

yaoutontothestreet!Howcouldyaattackdatlovelyman?”“Lovely?!Themanisaratmurderer!”“No,no,no.Theyallgotoaspecialratsanctuaryandhavespatreatments…”“DoyouthinkIamcompletelystupid?Hekillsthem.”“Hedoesn’tstampon’emthough.Theyarejustpulverised.Shame,really.”“That’smonstrous!”“Whocares?Onelessrat.”“No.IhavetosavemylittleArmitage.Ihaveto—”Zoestoodupandheadedforthedoor.Herstepmotherpressedherfirmlyback

downontothebedwithherconsiderableweight.“You’renotgoin’anywhere,”saidthewoman.“Yergrounded.Yahearme?

G-R-O-N-D-E-D!Grounded!”“There’sa‘U’ingrounded,”saidZoe.“Nodereisn’t!”Sheilawasreallyangrynow.“Yaaintleavingdisroomuntil

Isayso.Yacansitin’ere,finkaboutwhatya’avedone.Androt!”“Waituntilmydadgetshome!”“What’sdatuselessgitgonnado?”Zoe’s eyes stung.Dadmighthave fallenonhard times,buthewas still her

father.“Don’tyoudaretalkabouthimlikethat!”“Allhe’sgoodforisbenefitmoneyandaroofoverme’ead.”“I’lltellhimyousaidthat.”“Heknowsitalready.Itell’imeverynight,”snortedthegruesomelady,with

agutturallaugh.“Helovesme.Hewon’tletyoutreatmelikethis!”protestedZoe.“If’elovesyasomuch,whydoeshespendhiswholelifedowndeboozer?”Zoefellsilent.Shedidn’thaveananswertothat.Thewordsbrokeherheart

intomillionsoftinypieces.“Ha!”saidthewoman.WiththatSheilaslammedthedoorshutandlockedit

behindher.Zoerushedtothewindowandpeereddownattheroad.Shehadaprettygood

viewofit,whatwithbeingthirty-sevenfloorsupinthecrumblingtowerblock.Inthedistance,shecouldseeBurtspeedingoffinhisvan.Hewasn’tmuchofadriver: shewatched as he knocked off a few carwingmirrors and nearly ranoveranoldlady,beforethevanzoomedoffoutofview.Outside,theskygrewdark,butthethousandsofstreetlightsinthetownlitup

theoutsideworld.Theybathedherroominanuglyorangeglowthatcouldneverbeturnedoff.Lateintotheevening,Dadfinallyreturnedfromthepub.Therewasshouting

betweenhimandSheilaas therealwayswas,and the slammingofdoors.DadnevercameintoZoe’sbedroomtoseeher;most likelyhehadfallenasleeponthesofabeforehehadthechance.NightcameandwentwithoutsleepforZoe.Herheadwasspinningandher

heartwasaching.Inthemorningsheheardherdadgoout,presumablytowaitforthepubtoopen,andherstepmotherturnontheTV.Zoebangedandbangedonthedoor,butherstepmotherwouldnotletherout.I am a prisoner, thought Zoe. She lay back down on her bed in despair,

thirsty,hungryanddesperatelyneedingawee.Nowwhatdoprisonersdo?shesaidtoherself.Theytrytoescape…!

rmitagewasinterribledanger.Zoeneededtosavehim.Andfast.She remembered that Burt parked his filthy burger van outside her school

everyday,soifshecouldjustbreakoutofherroomshecouldfollowhim.Thenshecouldfindwhereheimprisonedalltheratsbeforetheywere‘pulverised’.Zoeponderedallthedifferentwaysinwhichshemighttrytoescape:1.Shecouldtieallherbedsheetstogether,thentryandabseiltosafety.Though,asshelivedonthe37thfloor,shewasn’tsurethesheetswouldgethermuchfurtherdownthanthe24th.Chanceofdeath–high.2.Therewasalwaysthebirdmanoption.Makesomekindofgliderfromcoat-hangersandknickersandflydowntofreedom.Chanceofdeath–high;andmoreimportantlyZoedidn’thaveenoughpairsofcleanknickers.3.Dig.Tunnelshadbeenafavouritemethodofescapeforsoldiersinprisonerofwarcamps.Chanceofdeath–low.

TheproblemwithnumberthreewasthatbelowZoe’sroomwastheflatofa

moanyold ladywho,despitehavingtheyappiestdogsherself,alwayswentonandonaboutthenoisefromabove.ShewouldturnZoeintoherstepmotherinnotime.Icouldalwaystunnelsideways!thoughtZoe.Sheunstuckaposterofthelatestboyband,andgentlytappedthewallbehind

itwithher fingernails.The tappingechoed into thenext flat,whichmeant thewallmustbethin.Overtheyearsshehadheardagreatdealofshoutingcomingfromnextdoor,butitwastoomuffledtodeducewhatkindofpeoplelivedthere–agirlandherparents,Zoethought,butmaybeotherstoo.Whoevertheywerethough,theirlivessoundedeverybitasmiserableasZoe’s,ifnotmoreso.Theplanitselfwassimple.Thepostercouldbereplacedatanytimetohide

whatwas going on.All she needed nowwas something to tunnel through thewallwith.Somethingmetalandsharp.Akey,shethought,andranexcitedlytothe door, only to remember that the keywas on the other side. That was thewholereasonshehadtoescape!Duh!shesaidtoherself.

Zoerummagedthroughherbelongings,butherruler,hercomb,herpenandher hangerswere allmade of plastic.Anything plasticwould snap instantly ifshetriedtohollowoutawallwithit.Zoecaughtsightofherselfinthemirrorandrealisedtheanswerwasstaring

herintheface.Herbraces.Theblastedthingswouldatlastbeofsomeuse6.Zoepulledthemoutwithherfingers,anddashedtothewall.Withoutevenpausingtowipethespitoffthemshescratchedatthewall.Nowonderthebraceswerepainfulandrubbedagainsthergums,andgotstuckinRaj’scardigan–themetalwassharp!Quickly theplasterfromthewallwasflakingonto thefloor.SoonZoe had scratched through the plaster to the bricks behind it, and the bracesbecamethickwithallthepaintandplasteranddustfromthewall.Suddenly Zoe heard the key in the lock turn in her bedroom door and she

leapedupandstucktheposterbackonthewall.Justintime,sherememberedtoshoveherbracesbackinhermouth,thoughtherewasn’ttimetowipethemfirst.Sheilalookedatherstepdaughtersuspiciously.ShelookedlikesheknewZoe

wasuptosomething,butshedidn’tknowwhat.Yet.“Doyawantsomegrub?IsupposeIbettafeedya,”saidthevilewoman.“If

ya starve to death I’ll have social services all over me like a bleedin’ rash.”Sheila’sbeady littleeyescircled the room.Somethingwasdefinitelydifferent.Shejustcouldn’tquiteputherchubbyfingeronit.Zoeshookherhead.Shedidn’tdarespeakwithhermouthfullofdust.Intruth

shewasstarving,butshehadtogetonwithherescapeplan,anddidn’twantanymoreinterruptions.“Yamustneedtousethebog?”saidthebiglady.Zoe spotted her stepmother’s gaze searching the room.The little girl shook

herheadagain.Shethoughtshewasgoingtochoke,thedustnowseepingrightdownthebackofherthroat.Intruthshewasburstingandshekeptonhavingtocrossherlegs,butifshewenttothelooandherstepmothersearchedherroomshemightjustfindthebeginningsofthetunnel.“’Aveyagotyabracesin?”Zoenoddedvigorously,andthenattemptedaclosed-mouthsmile.“Showme,”pressedherstepmother.Zoeslowlyopenedhermouthalittlebit,toshowalittlebitofmetal.“Ican’tsee.Wider!”Reluctantly the girl opened hermouth, displaying the braces caked in dust.

Thewomanpeeredtohaveacloserlook.

“Yaneedtocleanyourteef,they’redisgustin’.Nastycreatureyouare.”Zoe closed her mouth and nodded in agreement. Sheila looked at her

stepdaughter one last time and shook her head in revulsion, before turning toleave.Zoesmiled.Shehadgotawaywithit.Fornow.Shewaitedtohearthekeyturninthedoor,andthenturnedtowardsthewall.

Herboy-bandposterwasupsidedown!Sheprayedtheonewiththebacktofronthairwouldnever findout shehadput theposterupsidedown–hewasZoe’sfavouriteandtheyweregoingtogetmarried.Hejustdidn’tknowityet.And on a slightly more urgent note: thank goodness her stepmother had

missedthefactthattheposterwasnolongertherightwayup.Zoespatoutherbracesandwipedherdry-as-a-deserttongueonhersleevetotryandremovethedust,thenwentbacktowork.Allthroughthenightshescratchedandscratchedthroughthewalluntilfinally

shebrokethrough.Herbraceswerenowamisshapenmess,andshetossedthemaside.Sohappytobenearlythere,Zoeexcitedlyletherfingerstakeovernow.Scratching away tomake the hole bigger, crumbling bits of plaster off in herhandsasfastasshepossiblycould.Zoewipedhereyesandpeeredthroughthehole.Shehadnoideawhatwould

beontheotherside.Takingacloserlooksherealisedshecouldseeaface.Afacesheknew.ItwasTinaTrotts.

fcourse,Zoehadalwaysknownthatthebullylivedsomewhereinherblockof flats. Her gang permanently occupied the adventure playground. What’smore,everydayTinaspatonZoe’sheadfromastairwell,butZoehadnoideathehorriblegirllivedthisclose!ThenZoehadathoughtthatmadeherfeelconfused:thismeantitwasTina’s

familywhoshoutedateachotherandslammeddoorsmorethanevenherown.ItwasTinawhogotscreamedatbyherdad.AndwhomZoehadfeltsorryfor,asshelaytryingtogettosleepatnight.Zoeshookherhead, togetridof thisstrangenewsensationoffeelingsorry

forTinaTrotts. Then she reminded herself of another sensation – flob on herface–andshestopped.It was now mid-morning. Zoe had been scratching away at the wall all

through the night. On the other side of the hole was Tina’s big ugly face,snoring.Shewaslyingonherbed,which,asifinamirrorimage,wasplacedinexactly the same place as Zoe’s was in her room. The room was bare ofpossessionsthough;itlookedmorelikeaprisoncellthanagirl’sbedroom.Tinawaswrappedupinhergrubbyduvet.Forayounggirlshesnoredlikea

camel,loudandlow,andherlipswobbledwhensheexhaled.If you have ever wondered what a snoring camel sounds like, it goes

somethinglikethis:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMPPPP

PPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz!

ItwasaschooldayandTinashouldbeinlessonsbynow,butZoeknewthatmost days she bunked off and when she didn’t, she came and went as shepleased.NowZoewas face to facewith herworst enemy.Yet therewas no turning

back.Everything inZoe’s roomwas covered in a thickdust as a result ofherexcavations.Assoonasherstepmotherunlockedthedoortocomeintocheckup on her, it would be game over, and she would never ever see Armitageagain…Right now, though,Tina’s big scary facewas right on the other side of the

hole.Zoepeeredatthebully’ssurprisinglythicknostrilhairwonderingwhatonearthtodonext.Suddenly Zoe thought of a plan. If only she could grab a corner of Tina’s

duvet,shecouldtugitsharplythroughthehole.Then,asTinarolledontothefloor, Zoe could climb through the hole, jump over her, and bolt out throughTina’sflattosafety.It now occurred to her that she should revise the chance of death for the

diggingplanto‘high’.At thatmoment, she heard her stepmother’s footsteps thundering down the

corridor.Zoehadtoact,andfast.Shereachedherhandthroughthehole,tookadeep

breath,andtuggedashardasshecouldontheduvet,whichwasrathergreasytothetouch.Itwasasifithadneverbeenwashed.TheyankwashardenoughtosendTinarollingontothefloor…

THUD

THUDTHUD!JustasZoeheardthekeyturninginherbedroomdoor,sheclamberedthrough

thehole.Unlikea rat, though,Zoedidn’thavewhiskers, andeven though shewas an unusually small girl she had rather underestimated her size.When herbodywas halfway through the hole, she became completely and utterly stuck.Tryasshemighttowriggle,shecouldnotmoveaninch.Tinahadnowofcoursewokenup,anditwouldbeanunderstatementtosayshedidnotlookinagoodmood. She was angrier than a great white shark that had been called a rudename.Thebullyroseslowlytoherfeet,lookedatZoeandstartedpullingviolentlyat

thesmallgirl’sarms,doubtlesssoshecouldgetherwholebodythroughtoherroomandbeatherupmorethoroughly.“Iamgoingtogetyou,youlittlerunt,”shegrowled.“Oh, good morning, Tina,” said Zoe, her tone imploring a non-violent

response to this unusual situation. Meanwhile, no doubt hearing all thecommotion,Sheilahadrushedintothebedroombehindherandgrabbedholdofherstepdaughter’slegs.Theodiouswomanwaspullingashardasshecouldonthem.“Come’ere!WhenIgetme’andsonya!”screamedthebiglady.“Goodmorning,stepmother,”calledZoeoverhershoulder.Againthechirpy

tonedidnothingtopacifythewomanholdingontoherankles.SoonZoewasbuffetingbackandforwardthroughthehole.“Oooh!”shecriedasshewaspulledoneway.“Aaah!”shecriedasshewaspulledtheother.Soonitwaslikeshewassingingaratherrepetitivepopsong.“Oooh!Aaah!Oooh!Aaah!Oooh!Aaaah!Oooh!

Aaah!Oooh!Aaaah!Oooh!Aaah!”Backward.Forward.Backward.Forward.Soonafterthatthewallstartedcrumblingaroundherasshewasyankedback

andforth.Tina was strong, but Zoe’s stepmother had weight on her side. It was a

surprisinglyeventugofwar,whichasaresultfeltlikeitwouldneverend.BothwerepullingsohardonZoe’slimbsthatasshescreamedshewasawareofonepositivetothesituation:whoeverwon,Zoewouldatleastbetallerbytheendofit.

She felt like a particularly prized Christmas cracker. However, just like aChristmas cracker, she was sure to explode. Larger bits of plaster were nowcrumblingoffthewall,anddroppingontoherhead.“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!”criedZoe.Amassivecrackblastedacrossthewall.

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!AllofasuddenZoecouldfeel thewholewallgivingway.Soon itallcame

crashingdowntothefloorinablizzardofdust.

BBBBBBB

BBBBBBBOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Thenoisewasdeafening,andsoonallZoecouldseewaswhite.Itlookedabit

likethis:

twasasiftherehadbeenanearthquake,butatleastZoe’sarmsandlegswerenowfree.Somewhereinthedustcloudinhernow-sharedbedroomshecouldhearTina

andherstepmothercoughing.Zoeknewshenowhadasplitsecondtomakeherescape, and rushed forward. Unable to see anything, she used her hands todesperatelyfindadoorhandle.Zoeopenedthedoorandhurledherselfintothecorridor.Completely disorientated by the explosion of dust, it was only now she

realised shewas running through Tina’s flat. It was even grottier than Zoe’s.Therewasnofurnitureorcarpettospeakof.Thewallpaperwaspeelingoffthewallsand therewasasmellofdampeverywhere. Itwasas if theywere livinglikesquattersintheirownflat.However,thiswasnotimeforamakeover,evenafifteen-minuteonelikeon

TV,andafterafewmomentsZoefoundthefrontdoor.Herlittleheartbeatingfaster than ever before, she tried desperately to unlock it. Her hands weretrembling,andshewasunabletoturnthebolt.Then, out of the dust cloud behind her, stumbled two monstrous ghostly

figures,hugeandlooming,allwhitebutwithopen,screamingmouthsandeyesbulgingoutredinfury.Itwaslikesomethingoutofahorrorfilm.

“AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHH!”screamedZoe.ThensherealiseditwasTinaandherstepmother,bothcoveredheadtotoein

whitedust.

“AAAAAAAARRRGGGGHH!”screamedZoe.“COME’ERE!”shoutedSheila.“IAMGOINGTOGETYOU!”bellowedTina.Zoe’shandsshookevenmore,butshejustmanagedtoopenthedoorintime.

AsZoeslidout,fourchubbyhandscakedinwhitedustgrabbedatherclothes,rippingstripsoffherblazer.SomehowZoemanagedtoslipawayandslammedthe door behind her. Running down the communal corridor Zoe realised thatbothwaysoutofthegreatleaningtowerblock,thestairsandthelift,weresuretoresultincapture.ThenZoerememberedtherewasscaffoldingonthefarsideoftheflats.Thinkingtheremightbeawaydownsomehow,sheracedover.Sheopeneda

windowandclimbedouton to thescaffold,beforeclosing thewindowbehindher.Awickedwindshook the thinboardsbeneathher feet.She lookeddown.Thirty-seven floors! Even the buses on the street looked tiny, like little toys.

Zoe’sheadspun.Thiswasbeginningtoseemlikeaterribleidea.Butbehindher,Tina andSheila’s furious faceswerepressedupagainst the

glass,andtheywerebangingonthewindow.Withoutthinking,Zoeranalongtheoutsideofthebuilding,asherstepmother

andTinafoughttobefirstoutontothescaffoldtogivechase.Attheendofthewooden walkway there was a large plastic tube that went all the way downthirty-sevenfloorstoaskip.Zoehadthoughtitlookedlikeawaterslide,thoughitwasdesignedtopassalltheunwantedbitsofdebrisfromthebuildingrepairsdowntothegroundsafely.Itwasjustbigenoughforalittlegirl.Turninground,ZoesawTinaandherstepmotherafewpacesbehindher.She

tookadeepbreathandleapedintothetube.Redplasticsurroundedher,andsheslidfaster thanshecouldhaveimagined,screamingasshewent.Down,down,down.Woulditnevercometoanend?Downanddownsheswirled,travellingfaster and faster as she neared the ground.The little girl had never been on awaterslide, and for amoment the sensationof travelling so fastonherbottomwasfun.Astherewasnowaterthough,herbottombecamehotterandhotterasitrubbedagainsttheplastic.

Then,withoutwarning,theridefinishedandthelittlegirlflewoutofthetubeinto the skip. Fortunately there was an old mattress someone had illegallydumpedinthere,anditcushionedherfall.Hersizzlingbottomnowcooling,Zoelookedupatthescaffold.

Shecouldseeherover-sizedstepmotherstuckinthemouthofthetube,withTina vigorously trying to push her down by putting all her weight on thewoman’s huge bum. Push and push asmuch as shemight, Sheila’s body justwouldn’tfit.Zoecouldn’thelpbutsmile.Shewassafe,forthemomentatleast.Butsheknewsomeoneshelovedwasinthemostterribledanger.Ifshedidn’tfindArmitagefast,hewouldbepulverised!

twasonlywhenshelookedatherreflectioninashopwindowthatZoerealisedthat,likeTinaandSheila,shewasalsocoveredfromheadtotoeindust.Shehadwonderedwhypassers-byhadbeengivingherfunnylooks,andwhychildreninpushchairs burst into tears when they saw her and were wheeled by theirpregnantmothersfromherpath.Wipingthedustoffherlittleplasticwatch,shesawitwasnearlylunchtime.

Burt’s van would be parked outside the school playground as it always was,fryinguphisnoxiousburgers.Thedusthadgonerightdownthebackofherthroat,andZoewasdesperately

inneedofadrink,soshemadeashortpit-stop.TING!“Aaah!MissZoe!”exclaimedRaj.“IsitHalloweenalready?”“Erm,no…”splutteredZoe.“It’s,er,muftidayat school,youknow,where

youcanwearwhateveryoulike.”Rajstudied thesmalldustygirl.“Soforgiveme,butwhathaveyoudressed

as?”“Dustgirl.”“Dustgirl?”“Yes,Dustgirl.Sheisasuperhero,youknow.”“Ihaveneverheardofher.”“Sheisverypopular.”“Dustgirl,eh?Sowhatishersuperpower?”enquiredRaj,genuinelycurious.“Sheisverygoodatdusting,”repliedZoe,nowdesperatefortheexchangeto

cometoanend.“Well,Imustlookoutforher.”“Yes,IthinktheyarebringingoutaDustgirlmovienextyear.”“It is sure to be a blockbuster,” repliedRaj, clearly not a hundred per cent

convinced.“Peopledolovetowatchsomeonedoingthedusting.IknowIdo.”“Raj,pleasecanIhaveadrink?”“Of course,Miss Zoe. Anything for you. I have got some bottles of water

there.”

“Justtapwaterwouldbefine.”“No,Iinsist,takeabottlefromthechillcabinet.”“Well,thankyou.”“Mypleasure,”smiledRaj.Zoemadeherwayfromthecounterandselectedasmallbottleofwater.She

downedmostofit,thenwashedherfacecleanwiththeremainder.Instantlyshefeltawholelotbetter.“Thankyou,Raj,youaresogoodtome.”“You are a very special little girl,Miss Zoe.And not just because you are

ginger.Pleasecanyoupassmetheemptybottle,MissZoe?”Tramplingdustthroughhislittleshop,ZoereturnedthebottletoRaj,andhe

tookitoffbehindthemulticolouredplasticcurtainstotheback.Zoecouldhearatap running, anda fewmoments laterhe reappeared topass thebottleback toher.“Ifyoucouldpopitbackinthecabinet,please,”hesaidwithasmile.“Butit’scoveredindust,andit’sgotmyspitallaroundthetop.”“Andthebeautyofthescheme,myfriend,isthereisnoextrachargeforthe

spit!”saidRajtriumphantly.Zoe lookedat thenewsagent,and thendutifullyreturned thebottle towhere

shehadtakenitfrom.“Goodbye,Raj.”“Goodbye,er,Dustgirl.Andgoodluck!”TING!NowZoefeltatinylittlebitlikeshewasasuperhero,albeitonewhosespecial

powerwasdusting.However,justlikeasuperhero,shewasfightingevil.Poweringdownthestreet,atrailofdustbehindher,ZoesoonspottedBurt’s

van.Itwasparkedwhereitalwayswasoutsidetheschoolplayground,andtherewasalineofeagerchildrenqueuingdowntheroad.Approachingfromtheroadside,shesawthatthevanwasemblazonedwith‘BURT’SPESTCONTROL’.That’scurious, she thought.Zoehidbehind thedefacedandbatteredschool

sign,andwaiteduntilthebellrangfortheendoflunchbreak.Shecouldn’triskbeing seenbackat school since shewas suspended.That could lead to instantexpulsion.DDDRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNN NNNGGGGGGGG. The bell finally

rangandBurtservedhisfinalcustomer,squirtingthepeculiardarkketchupontothedistinctlyunappetising-lookingburger.Zoescuttledacrosstheroad,andhidontheothersideof thevan,whereit facedonto thepavement.Lookingupatthewritingthissideshesawthatitread‘BURT’SBURGERS’.

“This is so strange,” whispered Zoe to herself. The van said ‘BURT’SBURGERS’ononesideand‘BURT’SPESTCONTROL’ontheother.Zoe staredat thevan.Thecreepymanwasonlyusing the samevehicle for

catching rats thathedid for fryingburgers!Zoewasnoexpert,butwasprettysure the government’s Food StandardAgencywould take a very dim view ofthis.Itwasgoingtoresultinanangryletteratleast.The van’s engine started, and Zoe scampered around to the back, silently

openedthedoorandleapedinside.Shecloseditasquietlyasshecouldbehindher,andlaydownonthecoldmetalfloor.Thentheenginestartedup,andthevandroveoff.WithZoehidinginsideit.

teyelevel,Zoecouldseehugebagsofrottingburgerswithmaggotscrawlingout of them. She put her hand over her mouth, for fear shemight scream orthrowup,orboth.The van hurtled through the town. She could hear it scraping against other

cars,and thehornsofothervehicleshootingas it sped throughred lights.Zoepoppedherheadup towatch in terror through a littlewindow, as they spreadchaos and carnage in theirwake, not tomention quite a few broken-offwingmirrors.Burtwasdrivingsorecklessly,shewasfrightenedhewouldkill themboth.Thevanwas travelling so fast that inno time theywereon theoutskirts of

town in a large, deserted industrial estate. Enormous empty warehouses thatlookedliketheywerefallingdownblottedoutthesky,andsoonthevanstoppedoutside a particularly dilapidated one. Zoe looked up, out of the fat-splatteredwindow.Thiswarehousewaslikeagiganticaircrafthangar.Zoe took a deep breath, and everything turned dark as Burt drove the van

inside.Assoonasitlurchedtoahalt,sheclimbedoutofthebackandhidunderthe van. Trying to breathe as quietly as possible she looked around the giantspace.Therewerecagesandcagesof ratsallpiledupon topofeachother. Itlookedliketherewerethousandsoftheminhere,waitingtobepulverised.Beside thecageswasa tankof cockroaches,witha sticker that simply read

‘Ketchup’.I’msogladIneverateoneofBurt’sburgers,thoughtZoe.Evenso,shestill

feltreallysick.In themiddle of thewarehousewas a dirty old stepladder that led up to a

massivemachine.Thismustbehispulverisationmachine! thoughtZoe. Itwasoldand rusty, and looked like ithadbeenmadeoutofbits fromcars thathadfallenapart,piecesofoldfreezersandmicrowaveovens.Thewhole thingwasheldtogetherwithstickytape.AsZoewatchedfromunderneaththevan,Burtapproachedthemachine.The main part of the contraption was a massive metal funnel, with a long

conveyor belt leading fromunderneath it.Ahugewooden rolling pin hovered

over the belt.Next,metal arms that could have beenparts of old foodmixersstood ready at the side. On the end of the arms were roundmetal tubes thatlooked likesawn-downsectionsofoldpiping,orperhapsevenpartsofa lorryexhaustpipe.

Ifthenoiseofthesqueakingratswasdeafening,itwasnothingcomparedtothesoundofthemachine.As soon asBurtwalked over and pulled the lever on the side to turn it on

(whichwas actually an arm froma shopwindowdummy), themetal grindingnoise easily drowned out the squeaks. Thewholemachine rattled as if itwasabouttofalltopieces.Zoe spied onBurt as he trundled over to a cage of rats.Bending down, he

pickeditup–theremusthavebeenahundredratsinside,couldArmitagebeoneofthem?–andploddedovertothestepladder,movinggingerlybecauseoftheweight.Slowlybutsurelyheclimbeduptheladder,onestepatatime.Atthetophe paused for amoment,wobbled slightly and then smiled a sickening smile.Zoewantedtocallouttostophim,butdidn’tdarerevealherself.ThenBurtliftedthecageabovehisheadandtippedtheratsintothemachine!They tumbled through theair to their certaindeath.One little rat,notmuch

biggerthanArmitage,clungontothecagefordearlife.Withasickeninglaughtheevilmanpriseditslittleclawsoffthemetal,anditplungeddownanddowninto the machine. There was then a hideous crunching sound. He really did

pulverise them!Out of the bottomof themachine poured somemincedmeat.Themeatwasthenflattenedbyahugewoodenroller,beforethearmsplungeddownrepeatedlyontotheconveyorbeltandchoppedthemeatintopatties.Thepattiesthentrundledalongthebeltbeforefallingintoafilthycardboardbox.NowZoereallydidwanttovomit.Burt’sterriblesecretwasout.CanyouguesswhatBurt’ssecretwas,reader?Ishouldhopeso:thereisquite

abigclueinthetitleofthisbook.Yes.Hewasturningratsintoburgers!Maybe,reader,youhaveeveneatenoneyourselfwithoutevenknowing…“Nooooooooooooooo!” screamedZoe.The littlegirlcouldn’thelp it,but

disastrouslyshehadgivenherselfaway…

ahaha!”saidBurt,notlaughing.He paced towards Zoe, his nose twitching in her direction. Now Zoe was

afraidthat,liketherats,shetoowasinmortaldanger.“Comeout,littlegirl!”shoutedtheman.“Icouldsmellyouinthevan.Ihave

anextremelystrongsenseofsmell.Forrats,butalsoforchildren!”Zoerolledoutfromunderthevanandrantothedoorofthewarehouse,which

shecouldseeevenfromherewasshutandlocked.Burtmusthavecloseditafterdrivingin.Thecruelmanwalkedslowlybehindher.ThatBurtdidn’tbothertorunmadehimallthemoreterrifying–heknewshewastrapped.Zoe looked over at the cages of rats. Theremust be thousands of the poor

creatures stacked up in there. How on earth would she find little Armitageamongthem?Shewouldjusthavetosetthemallfree.However,rightnowtheprodigiousratkillerwasstridingtowardsher,hisnosetwitchingmoreandmorefeverishlywitheverystep.Not taking her eyes off him, Zoe felt her way along the wall to the huge

slidingdoor,andstartedfumblingwiththepadlock,desperatetoescape.“Getawayfromme!”sheshouted,herfingersfumblingevermorefrantically

toopenthedoor.“Orwhat?”wheezedBurt,edgingcloserandcloser.Hewassoclosenowshe

couldsmellhim.“Or I will tell everyone about what you are doing here. Turning rats into

burgers!”“No,youwon’t.”“Yes,Iwill.”“No,youwon’t.”“Yes,Iwill.”“Yes,youwill,”saidBurt.“No,Iwon’t!”“Ha!” said Burt. “Got you! I knew you were trouble that day in your flat.

That’swhy I let you climb into the back ofmy van and come intomy secretlair.”

“YouknewIwasthereallalong?”“Ohyes, Icouldsmellyou!AndnowIamgoing to turnyou intoaburger.

That’s what evil children get for sticking their little noses in other people’sbusiness.”“Noooooo!” Zoe screamed, still desperately trying to open the old rusty

padlock.Thekeywasstillinit,butitwassostiffthat,tryandtryasshemight,itjustwouldn’tturn.“Haha,”Burtwheezed.“Myveryfirstchildburger!!!”Hereachedouttograbher–shedodgedoutofthewaybuthisbighairyhand

graspedaclumpofherfrizzygingerhair.Zoeflailedherarmsaround,tryingtogettheratcatchertoreleasehisgrip.Nowhisotherhandhadslammeddownontohershoulder,andwasholdingittight.Zoe slappedhimhardacross the face, andhisdarkglasses flew into theair

andontotheground.“NO!”shoutedBurt.Zoelookedupathiseyes,buttheyweren’tthere.Where his eyes should be, Burt had only two empty, blacker-than-black

socketsinhisface.

“AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!”screamedZoeinterror.“Youhavenoeyes?!”“Yes,child,Iamcompletelyblind.”“But…youdon’thaveadogorawhitestickoranything.”“Don’tneedthem,”saidBurtproudly.“I’vethis.”Hetappedhisnose.“This

iswhyIamthegreatestratcatcherintheworld,evenofalltime.”Zoe stopped struggling for a moment. She was frozen in terror. “What?

Why?”“BecauseIhavenoeyes,mydear,Ihavedevelopedanacutesenseofsmell.I

cansmellaratfrommilesaway.Especiallyacutelittlebabyonelikeyours.”“But…but…but…youdriveavan!”splutteredZoe.“Youcan’tdriveifyou

areblind!”Burt smiled, showing off his filthy false teeth. “It is perfectly easy to drive

withnoeyes.Ijustfollowmynose.”“You’llkillsomeone!”“In thewhole twenty-five years since I have been driving, I have only run

overfifty-ninepeople.”“Fifty-nine?!”“I know, it’s nothing. Some I had to reverse over to finish them off, of

course.”

“Murderer!”“Yes,butifyoudon’tdeclarethem,theinsurancecompanyletsyoukeepyour

no-claimsbonus.”Zoestared into thedeepdarkpools inhis face.“Whatonearthhappened to

your eyes?” She knew that some peoplewere born blind, of course, but Burtactuallyhadnoeyesatall.“Manyyearsago,Iusedtoworkinananimallaboratory,”beganBurt.“Awhat?”interruptedZoe.“Doingexperimentsonanimalsand that formedical research.But Iused to

staylateanddomyownlittleexperiments!”“Likewhat?”askedZoe,feelingsuretheanswerwouldbesomethinggrisly.“Pullingwings off daddy-longlegs, stapling cats’ tails to the floor, hanging

bunnyrabbitsonaclotheslinebytheirears,justabitoffun.”“Fun?”“Yes,fun.”“Youaresick.”“Iknow,”repliedBurtproudly.“Butthatstilldoesn’texplainwhyyouhavenoeyes.”“Bepatient, child.Onenight I stayedvery late at the laboratory; itwasmy

birthdayandasaspecialtreatIhadplannedtodunkaratinabathofacid.”“No!”“Butbefore Icoulddip the little thing in the liquid, thevilecreaturebitmy

hand.Hard.ThesamehandIwasusingtoholdthedishofacid.Thebitemademeflickupmyhandinpainandtheacidflewupintomyeyes,burningthemoutoftheirsockets.”Zoewasspeechlessatthehorrorofitall.“Eversincethen,”continuedBurt,“IhavepulverisedeveryratIcouldgetmy

handson.AndnowIwillhavetodothesametoyou,sinceyouhavestuckyournoseintomybusiness,likealittleratyourself.”Zoe thought for amoment. “Well,” she said defiantly, “it seems tome like

yougotyourjustdesserts.”“No, no, no, my dear,” said Burt. “On the contrary. I am going to get my

dessertjustnow.WhenIeatyou!”

ithonehand stillon thepadlock,Zoe finallymanaged to turn thekey.Sheyanked her head over her shoulder and, taking her cue from the rat in thelaboratory,shesankherteethintoBurt’sarmashardasshecould.“OOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!” shouted the malevolent

man, and in a reflex reaction his huge hand jumped off her tiny shoulder,yankingoutalargeclumpofhergingerhair.Zoeflungthehugemetaldoorofthewarehouseopenandranoutintotheindustrialestate.Theplacewasdeserted,withsicklystreetlights illuminatingawidestreetof

empty,crackedconcrete.Weedsgrewoutofthecracks.Notsureofwheretogo,Zoejustran.Ranandranandran.Shewasrunning

sofastshethoughtshewouldtripoverherownlegs.AllshethoughtaboutwasputtingasmuchdistancebetweenherandBurtasshecould.Thewarehousewassohugethough,thatshewasstillnotoutsideofityet.Withoutdaringtolookbackshecouldhearthevan’senginestartingup,and

Burtgrindingitintogear.NowZoewasbeingpursuedbyablindmandrivingavan.Finallysheturnedaroundandsawthevancompletelymisstheopendoor,andcrashoutofthewallofthewarehouse…

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!Theimpactdidn’tstopit.Insteadthevanspedfasterandfastertowardsher.Squinting,ZoecouldjustseethedarkholeswhereBurt’seyeshadoncebeen

behind thewindscreen. Justbelow themhisnosewas twitching feverishly,hissmellradarclearlytunedtoits‘SMALLGINGERGIRL’setting.The vanwas heading straight for her and travelling faster and faster by the

second.Zoehadtodosomethingorshewouldberoadkill.Andfast.Shedarted to the left, and thevan lurched to the left too.She rushed to the

right, and thevan careered to the right.Behind the steeringwheel,Burt’s evilgrin widened. He was speeding closer and closer to making his first Small-

ginger-girl-burger.

Soon, thevan lurched intoahighgearandstartedgainingonZoe,whowasrunningasfastasherlittlelegswouldcarryher.Ahead,shespottedsomebins,withapileof longforgottenrubbishbagspiledupbesidethem.Hermindwasracingfasterthanherlegs,andshecameupwithaplan…Zoejumpedovertothebins,andpickedupaparticularlyheavysack.Asthe

vanhurtledtowardsher,shethrewthebagatthebonnetofthevan.Asitstruck,sheletoutablood-curdlingscream,asifshehadbeenrunover.

“AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!”Burtthenslammedthevanintoreverse,nodoubtthinkinghewouldrunher

overonemoretimetomakesureshewasdead.Astheenginescreamed,sodidZoe.Thevanreversedoverthesack.ThenBurt leapedoutofhisvan, andhisnose twitchedashe tried to locate

what he believed was the small girl’s body. Meanwhile, the small girl inquestion tiptoedoffandcrawledunderawirefence intoawasteland,andkeptrunninganddidn’tturnback.Afterherbodycouldrunnomore,Zoejogged,andafteritcouldjognomore,

shewalked.Asshewalkedshethoughtlongandhardaboutwhatsheshoulddonext.Zoe hadwitnessed a blindmanwho drove a vanmaking burgers out ofrats.Whowouldbelieveher?Whowouldhelpher?Sheneededsomeonetohelpher.TherewasnowayshecouldtakeonBurtonherown.A teacher? No. After all, shewas suspended from school and forbidden to

return.Theheadmasterwouldexpelheronthespotifshereturned.Raj?No.Hewasterrifiedofrats.Herandownthestreetinpanicwhenhesaw

a baby one. Therewas noway she could get him to step one foot inside thewarehouse,withthousandsofratsinside.Thepolice?No.TheywouldneverbelieveZoe’sincrediblestory.Shewould

bejustanothergirlfromtheroughestate,suspendedfromschool,andnowlyingtogetherselfoutof trouble.SinceZoewassoyoung, thepolicewouldmarchherstraighthometoherwickedstepmother.Therewasjustonepersonwhocouldhelpherrightnow.Dad.Itwasalongtimesincehehadbeenaproperfathertoher,sincehehadcome

homeandgivenherextraordinaryicecreamstotaste,orplayedwithherinthepark.ButSheilawaswrong,Daddidloveher,healwaysdid.Hejustbecamesosadhecouldn’tshowitanymore.Zoeknewwheretofindhim.Thepub.There was a massive problem. It is against the law for children to go into

pubs.

oe’sdadwenttothesameboozereveryday,aflat-roofedpubontheedgeoftheestate,withthecrossofStGeorgehangingabovethedoorandaferocious-lookingRottweilertiedupoutside.Itwasnotaplaceforlittlegirls.Indeed,thelawsaidthatonlythoseoversixteenwereallowedinside.Zoewastwelve.Evenworse,shewassmallforherage,andlookedyounger.‘The Executioner & Axe’ was the name of the pub, and it was even less

welcomingthanitsounded.Carefully stepping round the Rottweiler outside, Zoe peered in through the

cracked window of the pub. She saw a man who looked like her dad sittingalone, slumped over a table, a half-full pint glass in his hand. Hemust havesimply fallen asleep in the pub. She banged on the cracked window, but hedidn’t budge. Zoe knocked harder this time, but Dad did not rise from hisslumber.Now, Zoe had no choice but to break the law and go in. She took a deep

breath,andstooduponhertiptoestomakeherselfabittaller,thoughtherewaszerochanceanyonewouldthinkshewasoldenoughtobeinthere.As the door swung open, several fat bald blokes wearing England football

shirtslookedround,andthendowntoZoe’sheight.Thepubwasbarelyaplaceforwomen,letalonegirls.“Getoutof’ere!”shoutedtheruddy-facedlandlord.Healsohadabaldhead,

framedbysomewispsofhairatthesideandaponytail.TherewasatattooonhisheadthatsaidWESTHAM.Actuallyitdidn’t–itsaidMAHTSEW.Hehadobviouslydoneithimselfinfrontofamirrorbecauseitwasallbackwards.“No,”saidZoe.“Ineedtogetmydad.”“Idon’tcare,”barkedthelandlord.“Out!Outofmypub!”“If you chuckme out Iwill report you to the police for allowing underage

drinkersinhere!”“Whattheblazesdoyoumean?Who?”Zoetookasipofanoldtoothlessman’spintfromanearbytable.“Me!”she

said triumphantly, before the disgusting taste of the alcohol permeated hertongueandshefeltsuddenlymorethanalittlesick.

Theruddy-facedmanwiththeponytailwasevidentlyquitebefuddledbythislogic,andfellsilentforamoment.Zoeapproachedherdad’stable.“DAD!”sheshouted.“DAD!!!”“What?What’sgoingon?”hesaid,wakingupwithastart.Zoesmiledathim.“Zoe?Whatonearthareyoudoinghere?Don’ttellmeyourmumsentyou?”“She’snotmymumandnoshedidn’t.”“Sowhyareyouhere?”“Ineedyourhelp.”“Withwhat?”Zoetookadeepbreath.“Thereisamaninawarehouseontheedgeoftown

who,ifwedon’tstophimrightnow,isabouttoturnmypetratintoaburger.”Dad lookedentirelyunconvinced, andpulled a face suggestinghis daughter

hadgonemorethanalittleloopy.“Petrat?Burgers?Zoe,please.”Dadrolledhiseyes.“You’repullingmyleg!”Zoelookedherfatherintheeye.“HaveIeverliedtoyou,Dad?”shesaid.“Well,I,er…”“Thisisimportant,Dad.Think.HaveIeverliedtoyou?”Dadthoughtforamoment.“Well,youdidsayIwouldfindanotherjob…”“Youwill,Dad,trustme.Youjusthavetonevergiveup.”“Ihavegivenup,”saidDadsadly.Zoelookedatherfather,sobeatenbylife.“Youdon’thaveto.DoyouthinkI

shouldjustgiveuponmydreamofhavingmyownperforminganimalshow?”Dadfrowned.“No,ofcoursenot.”“Well, let’smakeadealthatneitherofuswillforgetourdreamsthen,”said

Zoe. Dad nodded uncertainly. Then she pressed the advantage. “And that’sexactlywhy I needmy rat back. I’ve been training him– he can do somanytricksalready.He’sgoingtobeamazing.”“But…awarehouse?Burgers?Itallsoundsabitfar-fetched.”Zoestareddeepintoherfather’slargesadeyes.“Iamnotlyingtoyou,Dad.I

promise.”“Well,no,but—”hespluttered.“Therearenobuts,Dad.Ineedyourhelp.Now.Thismanthreatenedtoturn

meintoaburger.”Alookofhorrorcrossedherfather’sface.“What?You?”“Yes.”“Notjusttherats?”“No.”“Mylittlegirl?Intoaburger?”

Zoenodded,slowly.Dadrosefromhischair.“Theevilman.I’llmakehimpayforthat.Now…let

mejusthavejustonemorepintandthenwe’llgo.”“No,Dad,youneedtocomenow.”Just thenDad’s phone rang. The caller’s name flashed up on the screen. It

read‘Dragon’.“Who’sDragon?”“It’syourmum.ImeanSheila.”SoDadhadSheila inhis phone asDragon.Zoe smiled for the first time in

ages.ThenZoehadahorriblethought.Burtcouldbewithher!“Don’tanswerit!”sheimplored.“Whatdoyoumean‘don’tanswerit’?IwillbeinsomuchtroubleifIdon’t!”

Hepressedtheanswerbuttononhisphone.“Yes, love?” said Dad in an unconvincingly affectionate tone. “Your

stepdaughter?”Thelittlegirlshookherheadviolentlyatherdad.“No,no,Ihaven’tseenher…”liedDad.Zoebreathedasighofrelief.“Why?”heasked.Dadlistenedforamoment,andthenputhishandoverthereceiversowhathe

wasabouttosaycouldnotbeheard.“There’sapestcontrolmanthereattheflat,heislookingforyou.Saidheisreturningyourpetrattoyouunharmed.Wantstogiveittoyoupersonally.Justtobesafe.”“It’satrap,”whisperedZoe.“He’stheonewhotriedtokillme.”“IfIseeher,Iwillcallyoustraightaway,mylove.Bub-bye!”Zoe could hear her stepmother screaming on the other end of the phone as

Dadendedthecall.“Dad,weneedtogotohiswarehouserightnow.Ifwerunwemightjustbeat

himtoit,andsaveArmitage.”“Armitage?”“Heismypetrat.”“Oh,right.”Dadthoughtforaminute.“Whyishecalledthat?”“It’salongstory.Comeon,Dad,let’sgo.Thereisnotimetolose…”

oeledherfatheroutofthepub,roundtheRottweilerandontothestreet.Dadstood thereswayingunder theorangestreetlight foramoment.He looked intohisdaughter’seyes.Therewasalongstretchofsilence.Then:“I’mfrightened,love,”saidDad.“Iamtoo.”Zoereachedoutherhandandheldherfather’stenderly.Itwasthe

firsttimetheyhadheldhandsinmonths,maybeyears.Dadusedtogiveherthebestcuddles,butafterMumdiedhehad retreated to thebackofhiseyes,andnevercameoutanymore.“Butwecandothistogether,”saidZoe.“Iknowwecan.”Dadlookeddownathisdaughter’shand,sosmallinhis,andatearformedin

hiseye.Zoesmiledsupportivelyatherdad.“Comeon…”shesaid.Soontheywererunningthroughthelitstreets,theintervalsofdarkandlight

goingbyfasterandfaster.“Sothisnuttermakesratsoutofburgers?”Dadsaidbreathlessly.“No,Dad,it’stheotherwayround.”“Ohyes,ofcourse.Sorry.”“Andhehasthisenormouswarehouseonthisindustrialestateontheoutskirts

oftown,”pantedZoe,tuggingherfatheralongbyhishand.“That’swhereIusedtoworkintheice-creamfactory!”exclaimedDad.“It’smilesaway.”“It’snot.IusedtotakeashortcutwhenIwaslate,wejustneedtocutthrough

here.Followme.”Dadtookhisdaughterbythehandandledherthroughaholeinafence.Zoe

couldn’thelpbutsmileattheexcitementofitall.Then her excitement faded a bit when she realised they were entering a

rubbishdump.Soon,Dadwasknee-deepandZoewaswaist-deep,wadingthroughtrash.Zoe

stumbled,soDadlifteduphisdaughterandputheronhisshoulderslikeheusedtowhen theywent for awalk in theparkwhen shewasvery little.Hishandsheldherlegstight.

Together they made their way through the sea of bin bags. Soon thewarehouseswereinsight.Atitanicgraveyardofemptybuildings,bathedintheharshestoflight.“That’s the one I used to work at,” said Dad, pointing to one of the

warehouses.A beaten old sign on the side of it read ‘THEDELICIOUS ICECREAMCOMANY’.

“Comany?”askedZoe.“Someone’stakenthe‘P’!”repliedDad,andtheybothchuckled.“Gosh,it’s

beenyearssinceIhavebeendownhere,”saidDad.Zoepointedout thewarehouse that nowhad avan-shapedhole in thewall.

“That’sBurt’sone!”“Right.”“Comeon.WeneedtosaveArmitage.”Fatheranddaughterskirtedaroundtheoutsideedgetowardsthegiantholein

thewall.Theysteppedinside,andpeeredatthecavernouswarehouse.Thehugebuilding appeared empty, except for the thousands of rats. The poor creatureswereallstillpiledupincages,awaitingtheirgrislyfateasafast-foodsnack.Burtwasnowheretobeseen–hemuststillbeattheflatwithZoe’swicked

stepmother,waitingtotrapZoewhenshecamehome.Nodoubtsalivatingattheideaofturningherintoaburger,albeitaparticularlylargeone.Withtrepidation,ZoeandDadsteppedinside,andZoeshowedherfatherthe

terrifyingpulverisationmachine.“Hegoesupthisladderanddropstheratsintothisgiantfunnel,andthepoor

littlethingsarerolledflatherebeforebeingformedintopatties.”“Ohmyword!”saidDad.“Soitistrue.”“WhatdidItellyou?”repliedZoe.“WhichoneofthesepoorlittleblightersisArmitage?”askedDad,gazingat

thethousandsofterrifiedrodentssquashedhighintothemountainofcages.“Idon’tknow,” she said, scouringall the little frightened faces,peeringout

from thecages,whichhadbeen stackedon topof eachother.Seeing themallthere,squashedintogetherinabigtowerofrats,madeherthinkoftheblocksheandDadandSheilalivedin.Still,thoughtZoe.Theratshaditworse.Whatwiththegettingmincedupinto

burgers.“Nowwhereishe?”shesaid.“He’sgotaverycutelittlepinknose.”“Sorry, love, they all look the same tome,” saidDad, desperately trying to

spotonewithaparticularlypinknose.“Armitage?ARMITAGE!”calledZoe.Alltheratseeked.Everysingleoneofthemwantedtoescape.“We’lljusthavetosetthemallfree,”saidZoe.“Goodplan,”repliedDad.“Right,youclimbonmyshoulders,andunlockthe

topone.”Dadliftedhislittledaughterupandsatheronhisshoulders.Shethenheldon

tohishead,andslowlystoodup.Zoestartedunwinding thepiecesofmetalwire thatkept thecages locked. I

saycages–theywerereallyolddeep-fatfryers.

“Howareyougettingon?”saidDad.“I’mtrying,Dad,nearlygotthefirstoneopen.”“Goodgirl!”calledupDadencouragingly.However,beforeZoecouldopenthefirstcage,Burt’svan,lookingdecidedly

the worse for wear, came thundering into the warehouse, smashing the hugemetalslidingdoorintotheairasitdidso…

CCCCRRRRRRRAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

…beforescreechingtoahalt.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DadandZoewereindeepdeeptrouble…

owI’vegotyou!”wheezedBurt,asheleapeddownfromthedrivingseat.“Who’sthatwithyou,littlegirl?”Dadlookedupathisdaughternervously.“Noone!”hesaid.“It’smeuseless git of a husband!” announcedSheila, as she ploppeddown

fromtheothersideofthevan.“Sheila?”saidDad,aghast.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”“I didn’twant to tell you,Dad,” saidZoe, stepping down fromher father’s

shoulderstotheground.“ButIheardhimandSheilabeingalllovey-dovey…!”“No!”saidDad.Sheilasmiledsmuglyatthepair.“Yeah,thelittleweasel’sright.Iamgoin’to

runawaywivBurtin’isvan.”Thewomanstruttedover to the rat catcher, and tookhishand.“Wesharea

deeploveofeachother.”“Andpulverisingrats,”addedBurt.“Ohyeah,welovetokillarodentortwo!”Withthatthepairsharedastomach-churningkiss.ItwasenoughtomakeZoe

wanttohurl.“I fanciedyamorewith themoustache though,Burt,”said thestupendously

thickwoman.“Willyougrowitback?”“You two are disgusting!” shouted Dad. “How could you enjoy killing all

thosepoorcreatures!”“Oh, shut yer face, ya idiot!” hollered Sheila. “Those rats deserve to die,

disgustin’ little fings!” Then she paused for a moment and looked at herstepdaughter.“That’swhyImurderedyour’amster.”“YoukilledGingernut?”screamedZoe,tearsinhereyes.“Iknewit!”“Youevilcow!”shoutedDad.SheilaandBurtsharedasickeninglaugh,unitedbycruelty.“Yes,Ididn’twantthatdirtylittlefinginmeflat.SoImixedsomeratpoison

inwivhisfood.Haha!”addedtherepulsivewoman.“Howcouldyoudothat?”shoutedDad.“Oh,shutyaface.Itwasonlyan’amster.Ialways’atedit!”repliedSheila.

“Ratpoison.Mmm.Anicelingeringdeath!”addedBurtwithabreathylaugh.“Theyjusttasteabitfunnyafterwards,isall.”Zoehurledherselfat thepair–shewanted to tear themboth topieces.Dad

pulledherback.“Zoe,no!Youdon’tknowwhatthey’lldo.”Dadhadtouseallhisstrengthto

stophisdaughter fromattacking them.“Look,wedon’twant any trouble,”hepleaded.“JusthandovermyZoe’spetrat.Now.Andwe’llgo.”“Never!”wheezedBurt.“Thebabyonesarethemostsucculent.Iwassaving

himforourlittledate,Sheila.Mmm…”Slowly,Burtreachedtowardsthefilthypocketofhisapron.“Infact,”hesaid,“IhaveyourpreciousArmitagerighthere…”Thenhepulledthelittleratoutbythetail.Zoe’spetrathadbeeninthereall

along, andnot in thecagesafter all!Burthad tiedArmitage’s littlehandsandfeet tightly togetherwithmetalwire so he couldnot escape.He looked like alittleratescapologist.“Nooooo!”shoutedZoewhenshesawhimlikethat.“Heisgoingtomakeaverytastylittleburger!”saidBurt,lickinghislips.Sheilastudiedthepoorlittlethingdanglingintheair,andthenturnedtoBurt.

“Yacaneathim,myone true love,” shesaid.“Imight just stick to theprawncocktailcrisps,ifyadon’tmind.”“Whateveryoulike,myangelsentfromheaven.”The blindman stumbled towards the pulverisationmachine, and turned the

lever. A terrible grinding sound echoed through the warehouse. Slowly Burtbegantoclimbthestepladdertothetopofthefunnel.“Putdownthatrat!”shoutedDad.“As if anyone ever paid the least bit of attention to ya! You’re a joke!”

laughedSheila.Zoe struggled free of her father’s grip, and ran after Burt. She had to save

Armitage! However, by this time the malevolent man was halfway up thestepladder,andpoorlittleArmitagewaswrigglinghislittlebodyasmuchashecouldandsqueakinginterror.ZoegrabbedatBurt’sleg,butheshookhisfootviolentlytoshakeheroff.Burtthenkickedherinthenosewiththeheelofhisboot.Shewasknockeddownhardontotheconcretefloorbelow.

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”screamedZoe.Dadsprintedovertotheladderandpursuedtheratkillerupontoit.Soonthe

twomenwerestandingprecariouslyonthetopstep,theladderswayingsidetosideundertheircombinedweight.DadgrabbedBurt’swrist,andpusheditdowntoforcehimtoreleasehisgriponthelittlerat.

“Dropmehusbandintheburgermachinewhileyou’reatit!”jeeredSheila.Dad’s elbow brushed up against Burt’s face and knocked the rat catcher’s

glassesoffhishead.Comingface tofacewith thedarkpoolswhere theman’seyes should have been, Dad was so horrified he stepped back and lost hisfooting. His foot slipped backwards off the top of the stepladder towards thefunnel.He began to slide down into the pulverisation machine. Dad desperately

grabbedon toBurt’s apron for survival, but itwas sogreasyhewas instantlylosinghisgrip.“Pleaseplease,”saidDad.“Helpmeup.”“No. Iamgoing tofeedyou to thechildren,”raspedBurt,his laughrattling

around his throat, prisingDad’s fingers one by one off his apron. “And yourdaughterisnext!”“Yeah!Throwherinaswell!”cheeredonSheila.Badlywinded,Zoeroseunsteadilytoherhandsandfeet,andcrawledoverto

the stepladder tohelpher father.Sheiladesperately tried to stopher, grabbingthe little girl brutally by the hair and yanking her back. Then she swung herstepdaughteraroundbythehairandflungherintotheair.Up,up,up…Andthendown.Hard.Zoescreamedinagonyasshehitthegroundforthesecondtime.

“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Despiteherthickfrizzyhair,theimpactdazedZoeforamoment.“Burt?StaythereandI’ll’elpyafinish’imoff!”calledSheilatothetwomen

still fightingover the topof theburgermachine.Slowly, thegrotesquely largelady made her way up the steps, the ladder creaking under her considerableweight.Stilldizzy,Zoeopenedhereyes,toseeherstepmotherwobblingatthetopof

theladder.ThewomanwastryingtopriseDad’sfingersoffBurt’sgreasyapron.One by one shewas bending them back, laughing as she forced her husbandcloserandclosertobeingturnedintoaburger.However,Sheilawassoheavythatasshebenttoonesidetopriseoffthepoor

man’s final little finger, herweightmade thewhole ladder topple over to theside.

CCCCRRRRRAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS

HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!BurtandSheilafellforwards,headfirstintothepulverisationmachine……Dadjustmanagedtograbontothesideofthefunnelwithonehand……Armitagewas falling into themachinewith thecruel ratcatcher.Nothing

couldstopthebabyratbeingpulverised…

ust then, as Burt tumbled through the air, Armitage bit themonster’s fingerand,squealing,Burtflickedtheratoffhishandandupintotheair.Up,up,up……andintoDad’soutstretchedhand.“Gothim!”calledDad.Nowhewashangingonbyonehandtothelipofthe

funnel, and clutching Armitage with the other. Armitage was squeaking likecrazy.Atthatmomenttherewasagurglingsoundandthegruesometwosomepassed

throughthemachine.Itclunkedandgroaned likeneverbefore,as theypassed through therollers.

Finallytwoverylargeburgerstrundledout.In one, Burt’s shattered wraparound shades poked out. In another, Sheila’s

pinkfurryslipperswereclearlyvisible.Theyweretwodistinctlyunappetising-lookingburgers.

“HELP!”yelledDad.Hewasmomentsfrombeingaburgerhimself…Zoe’sattentionshotbacktothefunnel.Herfatherwasstillholdingon to thesideof thepulverisationmachinewith

onegreasyhand,grippingArmitageintheother.Dad’sfeetwerestilldanglingoverthegrindersbelow,scuffingthetipsofhis

shoeswithanoiselikeapieceofpaperbeingloweredintoadeskfan.Zoecouldseethathewassliding.ThegreaseonhishandfromBurt’sapron

meantthatslowlybutsurelyhewaslosinghisgrip.Anymomentnow,hewasgoingtobreathehislastbreath.Andthencomeoutofthemachineasanotherratherlargeburger.Herheadstillspinningfromitscollisionwiththefloor,Zoecrawledoverthe

coldwetconcretefloorofthewarehousetothemachine.“Turnitoff!”shoutedDad.Zoerushedovertotheleverontheside.Buttryasshemight,shecouldn’tget

ittobudge.“It’sstuck!”shecalledup.“Grabtheladder,then!”calledDad.Zoe looked: thestepladderwas lyingon its sideon thegroundwhere ithad

fallen.

“QUICK!”shoutedDad.“EEK!” shoutedArmitage,wrapping his little tail as tight as he could

roundDad’sfreehand.“OK,OK,I’mcoming!”saidZoe.Withallherstrength,thelittlegirlrightedtheladder,andranupthesteps.At

the topshepeereddown into thehugemachine. Itwas like lookingdown intothe mouth of a monster. The metal grinders were like giant teeth that wouldchompyoutobits.“Here!”saidDad.“TakeArmitage.”Zoe reached down to take the little rat from her father’s hand. Dad passed

Armitageup,his legs and feet still bound togetherbymetalwire.Shehuggedhimclosetoherchest,andkissedhimonthenose.“Armitage?Armitage?Areyouallright?”Dadlookedupatthismovingreunionandrolledhiseyes.“Nevermindabouthim.Whataboutme?”heyelled.“Oh, yes, sorry, Dad!” said Zoe. She put Armitage into her inside breast

pocketandthencroucheddownontheladderandofferedherhandstohelppullher father out.However,Dadwas heavy andZoewobbledprecariously at thetopoftheladder,nearlyfallingheadfirstintothemachine.“Careful,Zoe!”saidDad.“Idon’twanttodragyouintoo!”Zoetookacoupleofstepsbackdowntheladder,andcurledherfeetarounda

steptoformananchor.Thenshereachedoutherarms,andDadheldontothem,andfinallypulledhimselfuptosafety.After climbing down the ladder, Dad yanked on the lever, turned off the

machine,andlayexhaustedonthefloor.“AreyouOK,Dad?”askedZoe,standingoverhim.“Afewcutsandbruises,”hesaid,“butIwilllive.Comehere.Yourolddad

needsacuddle.Idoloveyou,youknow…”“Ialwaysknew,andIloveyoutoo…”Zoelaydownnexttoherfather,andheputhislongarmsaroundher.Ashe

did so, she took Armitage out of her pocket, and carefully untied his legs.Together,theyhadabigfamilycuddle.

JustthenArmitageinterrupted.“Eekeek!”hesaid,beforedoingalittledanceto drawZoe’s gaze up – up to the tower of rats still squashed so cruelly intocages.“IthinkArmitageistryingtotellussomething,Dad.”“What?”“Ithinkhewantsustosethisfriendsfree.”Dadlookedupatthetoweringwallofcages,whichallbutreachedtheceiling

ofthewarehouse.Everycagewassquashedfullofpoorstarvingrats.“Yes,ofcourse.Iquiteforgot!”Dadmoved the ladder over to the cages, then stood on top of it, andwith

Armitagesafelybackinherpocket,Zoeclimbedontohisshoulderstoreachthetopcage.“Steady!”saidDad.“Makesureyouholdontomyfeet!”“Don’tworry,I’vegotyou!”Finally,Zoemanagedtoopenthefirstofthecages.Theratsclamberedoutas

fastastheycould,thenusedthelittlegirlandherdadasaladdertoclimbdowntothesafetyoftheground.SoonZoehadopenedallthecagesandthousandsofrats were running excitedly around the warehouse floor, enjoying their new-found freedom. Then Zoe and her dad broke open the tank of cockroaches,whichhadnarrowlyescapedbeinggroundinto‘ketchup’!“Look,”saidDad.“Or,actually,don’tlook.You’retooyoungtoseethis.”Of course, as you must know, reader, there is nothing more guaranteed to

makeachildlookthanthis.Sureenough,Zoelooked.It was the freshly made Burt and Sheila burgers. The rats were devouring

themgreedilyandfinallyhavingtheirrevenge!“Ohdear,”saidZoe.“Atleasttheyaregettingridoftheevidence,”saidDad.“Nowcomeon,we’d

bettergetoutofhere…”

Dadtookhisdaughter’shand,andledheroutof thewarehouse.Zoelookedbackatthebatteredvan.“Whatabouttheburgervan?Burtwon’tneeditanymore,”shesaid.“Yes,butwhatoneartharewegoingtodowithit?”askedDad,lookingathis

daughterquizzically.“Well,”saidZoe.“Ihaveanidea…”

inter turned tospring,as thevanwasredecorated.Just removing thegreasethathadbuiltuponeverysurfaceofthevehicle,insideandoutside,tookaweek.Even thesteeringwheelwas thickwithslime.However, theworkdidn’t seemlike work, because Zoe and her dad did most of it together, and it wassurprisinglyfun.Becausehewassohappy,Daddidn’tgotothepubonce,andthatmadeZoehappytoo.Therewas a snag of course; being unemployed,Dad only received a small

amountofbenefitmoney.Itwasapittanceandwasbarelyenoughtofeedhimandhisdaughter,letalonerefurbishavan.Fortunately,Dadwasaningenioussort.He had found lots of the bits and pieces he needed for the van from the

rubbishdump.Herescuedanolddiscardedlittlefreezerandrepairedit.Heusedthat tokeep the lolliescold in.Anoldsinkwas just the right size to fit in theback of the van for rinsing the scoops. Zoe found an old funnel from a skip,whichwithabitofpaintandpapiermâché,thefatheranddaughtermanagedtofashionintoanice-creamconetostickonthefrontofthevan.Andsoitwasfinallydone.Theirveryownice-creamvan.Zoe’ssuspensionfromschoolwasbeingliftedtomorrow.However,therewas

stillonefinaldecision.Onemajor,crucialthingtheyhadtomaketheirmindsupabout.Onereallyimportantoutstandingmatter.Whattowriteonthesideofthevan.“Youshouldnameitafteryou,”saidZoe,astheysteppedbacktoadmiretheir

handiwork.Thevanstoodgleamingin theafternoonsunin thecarparkof theestate.Dadheldabrushandapotofpaintinhishand.“No,Ihaveabetteridea,”hesaidwithasmile.Dadliftedhishanduptothe

sideofthevanandstartedpaintingontheletters.Zoelookedon,intrigued.‘A’wasthefirstletter.“Dad,whatareyouwriting?”askedZoeimpatiently.“Shush,”repliedherfather.“You’llsee.”Then‘R’,andthen‘M’.

SoonZoehadittoo,andcouldn’tresistshoutingout.“Armitage!”

“Yes,haha!”laughedDad.“Armitage’sIces.”“Iloveit!”saidZoe,jumpingupanddownonthepavementwithexcitement.Dadaddedthe‘I’,thenthe‘T’,thenthe‘A’,‘G’,‘E’,theapostrophe,because

everyoneknowsapostrophesareveryimportant,thenthe‘S’,andthentheword‘ICES’.“Areyousureyouwanttonameitafterhim?”askedZoe.“Heisjustalittle

rat,afterall.”“Iknow,butwithouthim,noneofthiswouldeverhavehappened.”“You’reright,Dad.Heisaveryspeciallittlefellow.”“YouneverdidtellmewhyyoucalledhimArmitage,bytheway,”saidDad.Zoegulped.Thiswasabsolutelynotthetimetotellherfatherhehadwritten

thenameofatoiletonthesideofhisgleamingice-creamvan.“Er…it’salongstory,Dad.”“I’vegotallday.”“Right.Well,anotherday.Ipromise.InfactIhadbetterjustgoandgethim.I

wanthimtoseewhatwehavedonetothevan…”Armitagewasallgrownupnow,anddidn’tfitinherblazerpocketanymore.

SoZoehadlefthimintheflat.Zoe excitedly ran up the stairs of the tower block, and rushed into her

bedroom. Armitage was scuttling around Gingernut’s old cage. Dad hadliberated the cage from the pawn shop by exchanging it for a bumper box ofprawncocktailcrispshisex-wifehadamazinglyleftuneaten.Ofcourse,theroomwasn’tjustZoe’sbedroomanymore.No:sincethewallhadfallendownitwasnowaroomtwicethesizethatshe

sharedwithsomeoneelse.ThatsomeoneelsebeingTinaTrotts.

The councilweremeant to have repaired thewall ages ago, but itwas stilldown.ToZoe’ssurprise,whensheenteredtheroom,Tinawaskneelingbesidethecageandtenderlyfeedingthelittleratlittlecrustsofbreadthroughthebars.“Whatareyoudoing?”askedZoe.“Oh, I thoughthemightbe a littlepeckish…”saidTina. “I hopeyoudon’t

mind.”“Iwill take over, thankyou,” repliedZoe, snatching the foodout ofTina’s

hand.Shewasstillsuspiciousofeverythingthebiggirldid.Afterall,TinawastheonewhoflobbedonZoe’shaireverydayonthewaytoschool.Themiseryshehadcausedwouldnotbeeasilyforgotten.“Doyoustillnottrustme?”askedTina.Zoe thought for a moment. “Let’s just hope the council gets that wall up

soon,”shesaid,eventually.“Idon’tmind,”saidTina.“Ihaveenjoyedsharingaroomwithyou,actually.”Zoesaidnothing.Thesilencehungintheairforamoment,andTinastartedto

fidget.Aargh,thoughtZoe.StopfeelingsorryforTinaTrotts!Thethingwas,though,thatinthepastfewweeksZoehadcometounderstand

a lot more about Tina’s life. How her horrible father screamed at her mostnights.Tina’sfatherwasagreatbearofaman.Heenjoyedmakinghisdaughterfeelworthless,andmoreandmoreZoewaswonderingifthatwaswhyTinadidthe same to others. Not just to Zoe, but to anyone weaker than her. A greatgrindingwheel of cruelty, that could go round and round for ever if someonedidn’tstopit.YetasmuchasZoenowunderstoodTina,shestilldidn’tlikethegirl.“ThereissomethingIneedtosaytoyou,Zoe,”saidTinasuddenly,hereyes

fillingwith tears.“Something I’venever said toanyone.Ever.Evereverever.Andifyourepeatit,I’llkillyou.”Goodness,thoughtZoe.Whatonearthcoulditbe?Isitsometerriblesecret?

DoesTinahaveasecondhead thatshekeepshiddenunderher jumper?Or isshereallyaboycalledBob?Butno,reader.Itwasnoneofthesethings.Itwassomethingmuchmoreshocking…

orry,”saidTina,eventually.“Sorry?That’sthethingyou’venevertoldanyone,ever?”“Er…yes.”“Oh,”saidZoe.“Oh,OK.”“Oh,OK,youforgiveme?”Zoelookedatthebiggirl.Shesighed.“Yes,Tina.Iforgiveyou,”shesaid.“Iamsosorryforbeingsocrueltoyou,”saidTina.“Ijust…Igetsoangry.

Especially when my dad’s… you know. It just makes me want to squashsomethingsmall.”“Likeme.”“Iknow,Iamsososorry.”Tinawasactuallycryingnow.ItwasmakingZoe

abituncomfortable–shealmostwishedTinawouldflobonherinstead.Zoeputherarmsaroundthegirl,andhuggedhertightly.“Iknow.Iknow,”saidthelittlegirlsoftly.“Allourlivesarehardinoneway

oranother.Butlistentome…”ZoerubbedawayTina’stearstenderlywithherthumbs.“Weneedtobekindtoeachother,andsticktogether,OK?Thisplaceistoughenoughwithoutyoumakingmylifeamisery.”“Sonomoreflobbingonyourhead?”saidTina.“No.”“NotevenonTuesdays?”“NotevenonTuesdays.”Tinasmiled.“OK.”Zoepassed the crusts of breadback toTina. “I don’tmindyou feedingmy

littleboy.Carryon.”“Thankyou,” saidTina. “Haveyou taughthimanynew tricks?” she asked,

herfacebrighteninginanticipation.“TakehimoutofhiscageandI’llshowyou,”saidZoe.Tinagentlyopenedthedoortothecage,andArmitagetentativelycrawledon

toherhand.Thistimehedidn’tbiteher:insteadhenuzzledhissoftfuragainstherfingers.Zoe took a peanut from a bag on the shelf, as her new friend gently lifted

Armitageoutontothestilldust-encrustedcarpet.Sheshowedhimthepeanut.Armitage promptly stood on his hind legs and did a very entertaining

backwards dance, before Zoe gave him the nut. He took the nut between hispawsandnibbledatitgreedily.Tinastartedapplaudingwildly.“That’samazing!”shesaid.“That’snothing!”repliedZoe,proudly.“Watchthis!”Withthepromiseofafewmorepeanuts,Armitagedidaforwardroll,aback-

flip,evenspunaroundonhisbackasifhewasbreakdancing!Tinacouldn’tbelievehereyes.“YoushouldtakehimonthatTVtalentshow,”saidTina.“I would love to!” said Zoe. “He could be the world’s very first rich and

famousrat.Andyoucouldbemyassistant.”“Me?!”askedTina,incredulous.“Yes,you,infactIneedyourhelpwithanewtrickIhavebeendreamingup.”“Well,well,I’dloveto!”splutteredTina.Thenshesaid,“Oh!”asifshehad

justrememberedsomething.“Whatisit?”saidZoe.“Theend-of-termtalentshow!”Zoestillhadn’tbeenbackatschoolsinceherthree-weeksuspensionstarted,

soshehadcompletelyforgottenabouttheshow.“Oh,yes,theoneMissMidgeisorganising.”“Midget,yes.WeshouldtotallyenterArmitage.”“SheisnevergoingtoallowmetobringArmitagebackintoschool.Hewas

thewholereasonIgotchuckedoutinthefirstplace!”“No, no, no, they talked about it in assembly. As it is in the evenin’, the

’eadmasterhasmadeaspecialrule.Petsareallowed.”“Well,he’snotadogoracat,butIsupposeheismypet,”reasonedZoe.“Ofcourseheis!Andget this.Midgetplaysthetuba,Iheardherpractisin’.

It’sawful!Allthekidsreckonsheisonlydoin’itbecauseshewantstogetoffwivthe’eadmaster.”“Shesofancieshim!”saidZoe.The two girls laughed. The idea of the unusually small teacher playing the

unusually large instrument already seemed hilarious, let alone using the low-notedtubaasamethodofseduction!“Ihavetoseeherdothat!”saidZoe.“Metoo,”laughedTina.“I just need to show Armitage something downstairs quickly, then we can

spendthiseveningworkingtogetheronthenewtrick!”“Ican’twait!”repliedTina,excitedly.

unningdownthestairswaseasierthangoingup,andbeforethepaintwasdryonthesideofthevan,ZoewasbreathlesslyshowingArmitagetheresultsofherand her father’s hardwork. Dad climbed into the van and opened the slidinghatch.Zoehadneverseenherfatherlookingsohappy.“Right,so,you’remyfirstcustomer.Whatwouldyoulike,Madam?”“Mmm…”Zoesurveyedtheflavours. Itwasavery longtimesinceshehad

tasted thedeliciousfrozendessert–shewasn’tevensure ifshe’deverhad icecream since those evenings when her dad would rush home from the factorywithsomecrazynewflavourforhertotry.“Coneorcup,Madam?”askedDad,alreadyrelishinghisnewjob.“Cone,please,”repliedZoe.“Anyparticularflavourtakeyourfancy?”askedDadwithasmile.Zoe leaned over the counter and studied the long line of mouth-watering

flavours.Afterallthoseyearsinthefactory,Dadreallydidknowhowtomakesometrulyscrumptiousicecream.Therewas:

It was the most magnificent collection of ice-cream flavours in the world.

ApartfromtheSnailandBroccoli,obviously.“Mmm… They all look delicious, Dad. It’s just too hard to make a

decision…”Fatherpeereddownathisarrayoficecreams.“ThenIwilljusthavetogive

youoneofeachthen!”“OK,”saidZoe.“Butmaybeleaveoutthesnailandbroccoli?”Herdadbowed.“Asyouwish,Madam.”Ashisdaughtergiggled,hepiledupherconewithflavourafterflavouruntilit

was nearly as tall as she was.With Armitage in one hand, she balanced theimpossiblytallice-creamconeintheother.“I can’t eat all this onmy own!” laughedZoe. She looked up at the tower

block,andsawTinalookingdownatherfromthe37thfloorwindow.“TINA!COMEDOWN!”shoutedZoeattheverytopofhervoice.Soonlotsofchildrenwerepokingtheirfacesoutofthewindowsoftheirflats,

wonderingwhatallthenoisewasabout.“ALLOFYOU!”shoutedZoeupatthem.Sherecognisedafewofthem,but

mostofthemshedidn’tknow.Someofthemshehadneverseenbeforeinherlife,eventhoughtheywereallsocloselycrammedinto thishugeugly leaningbuildingtogether.“Comeondown,everyone,andhelpmefinishmyicecream.”Withinseconds,hundredsofkidswithdirtybuteagerlittlefaceswererushing

downtothecarparktotaketheirturntohaveabiteofZoe’sridiculouslytallicecream.Aftera fewmoments, the littlegirl entrusted the towerof icecream toTina,whomade sure all the kids received their fair share, especially the tinyoneswhoselittlemouthscouldn’treachthathigh.

Asthesoundoflaughterroseandthesunwentdown,smilingZoebrokeawayfromthelaughingchildrenandsataloneonanearbywall.Shebrushedthelitteroff thewallandbroughtArmitageup toher face.Thenshegavehima tenderlittlekissonthetopofhishead.“Thankyou,”shewhisperedtohim.“Iloveyou.”Armitagetiltedhisheadandlookedupather,withthesweetestlittlesmileon

hisface.“Eekeekeeekeeeeeek,”hesaid.Which,ofcourse,fromrattoEnglishtranslatesas:“Thankyou.Iloveyoutoo.”

hankyou,MissMidget,ImeanMidge,forthatbeautifultubaplaying,”liedMrGrave.Ithadbeentrulyawful.Likeahippopotamusfarting.MissMidgetotteredoffthestageattheschooltalentshow,unseenbehindher

huge,heavyinstrument.“Thatway,MissMidge,”calledMrGrave,inaconcernedvoice.“Thank you, headmaster,” came a muffled voice, just before Miss Midge

crashedintothewings.Thetubasoundedbetterhittingthewall thanwhenshehadplayedit.“I’mallright!”calledMissMidgefrombeneathherridiculouslylargetuba.“Er…right,”saidMrGrave.“Mightneedthekissoflifethough!”Mr Grave, impossibly, went even more pale. “Next,” he said, ignoring the

teacherstrugglingbeneathherridiculousbrassinstrument,“pleasewelcomethefinalacttothestage–Zoe!”Therewasacoughfromthesideofthestage.MrGravelookeddownathissheetofpaper.“Oh,um,ZoeandTina!”Theaudienceallapplauded,nonelouderthanDad,whowassittingproudlyin

thefrontrow.Rajwassatnexttohim,clappingexcitedly.ZoeandTinaranon, inmatchingtracksuits,andtookabow.ThenTina lay

downonthestage,asZoesetupwhatlookedlikelittlerampseitherside,whichtheyhadmadefromcerealboxes.“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome: ‘The Amazing

Armitage’!”saidthelittlegingergirl.At that moment, Armitage sped across the stage, riding a wind-up toy

motorbikethatDadhadboughtfromacharityshopandrepaired,andwearingatinycrashhelmet.Thecrowdwentwildjustatthesightofhim,apartfromRaj,whocoveredhis

eyesinfear.Hewasstillscaredofrodents.“Youcandoit,Armitage,”whisperedZoe.Whentheyhadpractised,hehad

sometimesmissedtherampandjustdrovepastit,whichdidn’tmakeforaveryexcitingshow.Armitagewhizzedfasterandfasterashereachedtheramp.Comeon,comeon,comeon,thoughtZoe.

Thelittlerathittherampperfectly.Yes!Armitagetookoff—Armitageflewthroughtheair—

Ohno!thoughtZoe.Hewascomingdowntoosoon.Hewasgoingtomisstherampontheother

side.Down,down,downArmitagefell—Zoeheldherbreath—AndthenhelandedonTina’sampletummy.Bouncedbackupintheair.

Andlandedontherampontheotherside.Itwasamomentofpureandutterjoy.Itprobablyevenlookeddeliberate.“Oof,”saidTina.“Eek,”saidArmitage,bringinghismotorbiketoaperfectstop.Theaudienceinstantlyrosetotheirfeetandgavethemastandingovationthat

wentonforages–Rajevenpeekedoutfrombehindhishands.ZoelookedatArmitage,thenTina,thenherdad,whowasclappinglikeamad

man.Shecouldn’thelpbutsmile.

PreviouslybyDavidWalliams:

TheBoyintheDressMrStink

BillionaireBoyGangstaGranny

Copyright

FirstpublishedinhardbackandpaperbackinGreatBritainbyHarperCollinsChildren’sBooks2012

HarperCollinsChildren’sBooksisadivisionofHarperCollinsPublishersLtd77–85FulhamPalaceRoad,Hammersmith,LondonW68JB

TheHarperCollinswebsiteaddressiswww.harpercollins.co.uk

1

Text©DavidWalliams2012Illustrations©TonyRoss2012

DavidWalliamsandTonyRossassertthemoralrighttobeidentifiedastheauthorandillustratorofthiswork.

HB:ISBN978-0-00-745352-8TPB:ISBN978-0-00-745353-5

EPubEdition©SEPTEMBER2012ISBN:9780007453559EPubVersion1

AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenon-exclusive,non-transferablerighttoaccessandreadthe

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1Thetechnicalnameforthisisa‘spisp’.

2Itwouldhavehadtobequiteabiglollystick.

3Aboobyisatypeofseabirdcloselyrelatedtothegannet.IncaseyouthoughtIhadmadeitupforacheaplaugh.AsifIwoulddothat!

4Mynewcookbook,101WaystoMakeaBreadSandwich,isoutnextyear.

5Thismayhavebeenateenybittoocomplicatedtoachieve.

6Otherthanstraighteningteeth,ofcourse.(Ihavetowritethat,asotherwiseanyorthodontistsreadingmightmakeacomplaint,eventhoughtheyareallnothingmorethanblood-thirstytorturers.)