couple’s devotional book - clover sites

Couple’s Devotional Book

We are so glad you picked up this couples devo�onal book! The pur-

pose of this resource is to provide a tool for you and your spouse to use

in growing closer to the Lord and closer to each other. Each weekday

during our “God Bless It – Breaking the Curse of Sin in Marriage” ser-

mon series you have the opportunity to sit down with your spouse,

read through a devo�on and talk through the discussion points. This

will help keep God’s Word alive in your marriage throughout the week.

Commit with your spouse to walk through this �me together with

openness, grace and honesty.

These devo�onals were taken from The NIV Couples Devo�onal Bible.

This is just a small sample of what is available through this resource.

We would encourage you to purchase this Bible and con�nue the

devo�ons throughout the year.

Week One

Monday, May 7

What We See in Each Other

Verse: 1 Samuel 16:1–13

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward

appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.— 1 Samuel 16:7

Samuel was sent to the house of Jesse to find a new king. When he got there,

Samuel saw Eliab, one of Jesse’s sons. “Surely, he is the one God has chosen to be the

next king,” Samuel thought. Evidently, like the previous king, Saul, Eliab was tall and

striking. But Eliab was not the one God had in mind.

God warned Samuel not to assess people by their physical appearance. God

reminded the old prophet that he doesn’t look at the outside; he looks at the inside.

So each of Jesse’s sons passed before Samuel, but God did not indicate that any of

them was the man God had sent him to find. Finally, David, the youngest son, came in

from the fields. Then the Lord spoke to Samuel, telling him this was the right one.

When we look at someone’s outward appearance, we o2en fail to see what

God sees. This message was clearly illustrated to writer John Fisher when he was

speaking at a seminar. “A couple came in late, and I could see that they were in love,”

Fisher said. “I couldn’t help but no5ce the woman was very a6rac5ve, while the guy

was a real nerd.

“What could she see in him?” Fisher wondered. From the outside, this couple

didn’t look like a match. “Then I realized she was blind,” Fisher said.

“What did she see in him? She saw everything that was important in a person.

She saw love. While another woman might not have go6en past this man’s unimpres-

sive exterior, she was blind to that. She only saw his heart. Blessed are the blind, for

they can see people as they really are.”

Like Samuel, we o2en make judgments based on what people look like. But

God doesn’t use looks as his criteria. He evaluates people by what’s in their hearts. He

sees their character, their faithfulness and their commitment to him.

During courtship, we can be charmed by someone’s good looks, a6en5veness

or fla6ery. All of that can be flee5ng. Over the course of a marriage, the real person

breaks through. Perhaps as your marriage ages, your spouse’s outward appearance

starts to change. Your spouse grays, loses hair or gains a li6le weight. Perhaps the two

of you fall into a rut, and the special treatment that marked your da5ng period begins

to wane. That’s when we need to remember what the Lord said to Samuel about fo-

cusing on what’s in the heart rather than what’s physically no5ceable.

The success of a marriage comes, not in finding who we think ini5ally is the

“perfect” person for us, but in our willingness to adjust to the real person we married.

—Jennifer Schuchmann

Let’s Talk

• What characteris5cs ini5ally a6racted us to each other? What quali5es do we treas-

ure most today?

• The blind woman never saw her partner’s appearance. Like God, she only saw his

heart. Would we rather have people look at our appearance or at our heart? Why?

• What steps are we taking to improve our faith, our character and our commitment

to God?

Tuesday, May 8

Job’s Hope

Verse: Job 19:21–29

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.

— Job 19:25

A teenager told me she thought her parents were about to divorce. She had heard

her parents’ nightly arguments and watched her mom turn away her tear-stained face

when asked about the situa5on. The parents of many of this young woman’s friends had

divorced, so she assumed her parents were next. The teen did not give me permission to

talk to her parents about her fears. Yet I felt obligated to open a pastoral door for either

the husband or the wife if it would allow them to get help and healing. When an opportuni-

ty came to enter that home, I lingered in order to hint at the well-being of the marriage.

Neither spouse did more than smile and spout pla5tudes, but a week later the husband

called and said he wanted to talk.

He fur5vely slipped into my office. Any excuse to leave would have been wel-

come, but none presented itself. A2er moments of expansive quiet and several invita5ons

to say what was on his mind, he finally began to talk. He had always thought marriage

would be wonderful, he said. His parents had been solid in their commitments, and his

da5ng rela5onship with his wife had been marvelous. They had seemed to be a perfect

match, sharing interests, passions and religious commitments. But several years into their

marriage, his wife was in an accident. She experienced a closed-head injury that altered her

personality. She became suspicious, forgeGul, impa5ent and abusive. What’s more, she

was an emo5onal chameleon. In public her nega5ve symptoms disappeared. Even her sis-

ters and parents had no idea of the ogre she could become. The husband’s pleas for help

were ques5oned and pushed aside. He felt very alone.

I listened as the hur5ng man wept, and I thought of Job, around whom unseen

and unjust powers had swirled. Job was bewildered. So was this misunderstood husband.

Neither man understood why bad things were happening. Each faced a murky future in an

iffy marriage. Yet I was amazed by this husband’s tes5mony. When I asked him if he had

considered divorce, he said, “Never! I made a vow and my wife needs to count on that,

especially now. Even if she doesn’t know that she needs me.” He added, “I read about a

note scratched into a basement in Paris during World War II: ‘I believe in the sun even

when it’s not shining. I believe in love even when I can’t feel it. I believe in God even when

he is silent.’”

I was reminded of Job when he professed, “I know that my redeemer lives, and

that in the end he will stand on the earth.” Though Job was unable to see how, he was con-

fident that neither loss nor pain nor death itself could stymie God’s care for him. If we are

believers, there is no lament we can sing that does not have an Easter refrain. Trials and

torments and troubles are part of our lives here, but they are not the whole story. Christ

rose from the dead, and because he lives, we too shall live.

—Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• When have we felt plagued like Job? How has trouble affected our rela5onship?

• When life was good, Job offered daily sacrifices for himself and his family (see Job 1:5).

What habits are we developing in good 5mes that will help us through the tough 5mes?

• Whom do we look to as models of endurance and hope? What have these people taught

us? How might they serve as mentors?

Wednesday, May 9

Cue Cards for Praise

Verse: Psalm 95:1–11

Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salva�on.

— Psalm 95:1

Imagine mee5ng someone famous and having to keep that news to yourself. Or

what if you had pictures of your first child and no one to show them to? Praise and thanks-

giving beg for company; joining with other voices makes the worship so much sweeter!

Psalm 95 tells us to find companions as we praise: “Come, let us sing . . . let us

shout . . . let us bow down . . . let us kneel before the Lord our Maker” (Psalm 95:1,6). Mar-

riage gives us a companion in praise—someone to share all the exci5ng details, someone to

cheer and sing and laugh with before the Lord. Psalms is our songbook; the psalms, our cue

cards for praising God. Psalm 95 puts words in our mouths to express the joy in our hearts.

And if our songs have gone all mumbly and dull, this psalm helps us rejuvenate our singing

together.

This song has four stanzas that give us a structure for our praise. Verses 1–2 have

us on our feet, singing at the tops of our voices to our champion, the Lord. The reason for

such exuberance is described in the second stanza, in verses 3–5. We worship by picturing

great mountains, pounding seas and majes5c sunsets. And we come away ready to trust

our mountain-moving God, our sea-par5ng Savior, our world-holding King. We can praise

God in a similar way, but we sing this kind of praise best when we gather with God’s people

in church. Don’t miss such celebra5ons! The third stanza, verses 6–7a, is an en5rely differ-

ent kind of melody; it is so2 and thoughGul. This music bows our heads and brings us to

our knees. We sing so2ly that the great God who made us is the Good Shepherd who feeds

and leads us, who guards and guides our lives.

Try worshiping by recoun5ng God’s provision—your first apartment, for example,

or unexpected money when things were very 5ght. Praising God for his “shepherd care” is

important for our future, for it is how we learn to trust God to guide us through the next

dark valley or be our protec5on in a troubled tomorrow.

Psalm 95 ends in a minor key (verses 7b–11), reminding us of what happens when we fail

to let worship shape our will and our ways. Israel had sung songs about God’s greatness

and care when he had miraculously delivered them from Egypt and provided for them in

the desert. But later, when God didn’t come through for them as quickly as they wanted,

the people lost faith in the God they had sung about, and they ended up being prohibited

from entering the promised land, the place where God intended to give them “rest” (verse

11).

What a great reminder to be full of praise—praise that is both exuberant and

humble. When we worship God in our 5mes of triumph, it prepares us to trust God in our

5mes of struggle and prevents us from hardening our hearts toward him.

—Lee Eclov

Let’s Talk

• How does worshiping God as a couple help us spiritually? How can worshiping together

have the kind of variety and breadth that we see in this psalm?

• How do we worship together with other believers? What could we do to worship more

effec5vely with them?

• When might we be most tempted to “harden [our] hearts” (Psalm 95:8) and not trust

God? How can we use worship 5mes to for5fy ourselves against such tempta5ons?

Thursday, May 10

Who Influences Us?

Verse: 2 Chronicles 24:1–25

Joash did what was right in the eyes of the Lord all the years of Jehoiada the priest.

— 2 Chronicles 24:2

Think about how other people have influenced your life. One couple I know, Bre6

and Kayla, were profoundly influenced by others. Bre6 had played mul5ple sports in high

school and enjoyed a wonderful mentoring rela5onship with one of his coaches. But a2er

he started playing sports in college, he found that it wasn’t the game he cared about as

much as it was his former coach, and he ended up dropping out of athle5cs. Similarly, Kayla

became ac5ve in her church’s women’s ministries because of the great lessons she had

learned from the women’s leader in her previous church.

Influence is powerful. We o2en want to emulate good leaders and follow their

examples. The high priest Jehoiada was a great influence on li6le King Joash, who was only

seven years old when he became king. Joash needed some help ruling the kingdom, and

Jehoiada stepped up as his helper and adviser. He chose two wives for Joash and helped

Joash restore the temple in Jerusalem and resume worship of the Lord there. Joash was

heavily influenced by others—first by Jehoiada, who led him in the ways of God, and then,

a2er Jehoiada died, by the officials of Judah, who abandoned God and worshiped other

gods. When Jehoiada’s son Zechariah spoke out against idol worship, warning the king and

his people that God would forsake them because they had forsaken God, Joash and his

leaders had Zechariah stoned to death. Like Joash, we have people who have had a major

impact on our lives, and we feel lost when they are no longer with us. We may even think

that we need others to step in to fill that gap. But like Joash, depending too much on others

can prevent us from learning to make cri5cal decisions in our lives.

The best role of a parent, mentor, teacher or pastor is that of helping others to

learn how to think for themselves. If Jehoiada had taught Joash to think for himself, the

story of this king might have had a different ending. Instead of being led by others, Joash

might have been a strong, decisive king who set before the people a lifelong pa6ern of

trus5ng God for guidance and direc5on.

My friends James and Elaine relied on the leadership and guidance of key people

un5l they were in a couples’ group at church. The rule in that group was that everyone was

expected to think about and discuss key issues and situa5ons. The group then asked every-

one to take one more step: Each couple was expected to reach their own conclusion on an

issue, based on Scriptural guidelines, and explain to the group how they had come to that

decision.

Learning and prac5cing that kind of decision making changed their marriage for-

ever as James and Elaine learned how to think for themselves. Reaching their own conclu-

sions on various issues became a lifelong pa6ern of learning God’s lessons without leaning

on others to do it for them.

—John R. Throop

Let’s Talk

• Who has greatly influenced our lives? Did they teach us mostly what to think or how to

think? Describe their approaches.

• How are leaders or role models helpful for us? How can they be nega5ve influences? How

can we turn nega5ve influences into posi5ve results?

• What are some good ways for us to blend the posi5ve influences of others into our lives?

How can their lessons shape our faith and our values?

Friday, May 11

Building Our Rela.onship

Verse: 1 Chronicles 22:2–19

Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws that the

Lord gave Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged.

— 1 Chronicles 22:13

“Marriage is a most remarkable and courageous human act,” says Ernest Boyer in

A Way in the World (HarperSanFrancisco, 1984). “It’s the promise of two human beings to

share life together on all levels, physical, economic, and spiritual. It’s a promise made de-

spite the certainty of death, the certainty of change, and the uncertainty of everything else.

There is nothing else we might choose to do that is quite like this act, nothing so foolish or

so profound.”

Why do so many of us enter into this “foolish and profound” commitment when

we realize that it is such a difficult thing to unify two separate individuals? Why do we as-

sume we will have success when we know that others fail?

Before his death, David shared his vision for building a temple for the Lord with

his son Solomon, to whom God had entrusted this sacred task. David had spent countless

hours collec5ng and preparing all of the materials his son would need to build a house wor-

thy of the Lord. Then David told Solomon that if he was careful to observe the laws of the

Lord, he would have success.

Likewise we, too, need to take great care in preparing for the construc5on of a

marriage. Marriage is like a temple—a magnificent living, breathing house for the Lord.

When we stand at the altar exchanging wedding vows, we’re essen5ally agreeing to erect a

temple in which to honor God. By following God’s plan for marriage—loving, honoring, and

remaining faithful to each other—we will have success in honoring him. When we’re strong

and courageous, we’ll be able to overcome obstacles and persevere.

Sounds easy. But it’s not.

When Dan and I were preparing to get married, we spent an en5re year budge5ng, envi-

sioning, and geVng quotes on bands, caterers, cakes and invita5ons—planning all of the

elements that go into making a wedding day a success. Soon a2er we walked down the

aisle as Mr. and Mrs., we realized we would need to apply that same kind of care to build-

ing our rela5onship for a life5me, not just planning for a day.

Marriages o2en include struggles. Changes in career aspira5ons, guilty feelings

over past mistakes, conflicts in other rela5onships—these and a myriad of other situa5ons

present many opportuni5es to be either the afflicted or the comforter within marriage. In

these periods the one doing the suppor5ng may begin to think, “I am not being helped by

this person, only held back.” But because of that foolish, extraordinary vow of marriage, he

or she keeps going.

Through the ordinary pains and sharing of day-to-day life, marital love matures

into a love that models God’s own love for us. It is in this temple we call marriage that God

profoundly manifests himself, giving us the tools we need to be successful as husband and

wife.

—Marian V. Liautaud

Let’s Talk

• How has our love for each other and for God deepened as a result of persevering

through struggles in our marriage?

• Which one of us needs the most help now, and how can the other provide that help?

• What can we do today to build a strong marriage rela5onship?

Week Two

Monday, May 14

The Big Effect of Li1le Choices

Verse: Judges 16:1–21

Some �me later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was

Delilah. — Judges 16:4

Samson seemed to have all the right stuff. An angel announced his birth and in-

structed his parents to raise him to live as a lifelong Nazirite, a person set apart by God. As

a result of his standing, he was to abstain from grape products, have no contact with dead

bodies and forego haircuts (see Numbers 6:1–8). Samson grew up with godly parents who

loved him. He was given a life purpose—to begin to deliver Israel from the Philis5nes—and

an incredible strength to help him achieve the task.

But Samson’s privileged beginnings didn’t automa5cally endow him with moral

integrity. Over the course of his life, he deliberately par5cipated in the things he and his

parents had promised not to do. He ate honey from a lion’s carcass, viola5ng his Nazirite

vow in order to delight himself with something sweet (see Judges 14:8–9). Instead of being

a great warrior against the Philis5nes, Samson’s crusades were o2en spurred by personal

vende6as. And he had an insa5able appe5te for Philis5ne women. Ul5mately, one of those

women, Delilah, learned the secret of Samson’s strength and traded that knowledge for a

large sum of money.

Maybe you remember learning in church school that Samson was strong because

he had long hair. Actually, Samson’s strength wasn’t in his hair but in his rela5onship with

God. When his head was shaved, it was merely an outward indica5on of what he had al-

ready lost inside.

Ul5mately Samson was unable to fully realize his poten5al or use the gi2s God

had given him. This is true of many of us. Though God has uniquely gi2ed us for his pur-

pose, we are unable to live up to our poten5al because we con5nually fall vic5m to our

sinful nature.

Samson didn’t turn toward sin in one grand decision. A life5me of li6le choices

resulted in Samson’s demise. Similarly, it isn’t the poli5cian’s final bribe, but rather his early

career decisions to bend the rules that lead to his downfall. It isn’t the public moral failing

of the religious leader, but the many unconfessed sins that preceded it, that brings him

down. It’s not the addic5on, but the li6le indulgences that fed the addic5on, that kills a

family.

This principle also applies to our marriages. Most Chris5ans don’t wake up one

day and decide to throw their marriage and family away with one grand affair. The separa-

5on begins with par5cipa5ng in a bit of seemingly innocent flir5ng at work or sending an

innocuous email to an old friend or confiding a bit of unhappiness with one’s spouse to a

sympathe5c friend.

Before making what appears to be a harmless decision, stop and evaluate the

cost. Success is less about having the right stuff than it is about choosing the right way. A

lot of li6le choices done God’s way will add up to a life5me of purpose.


Let’s Talk

• Beginning with Samson’s birth in Judges 13, examine the decisions that Samson

made in his life. Which ones led him to God? Which ones separated him from God?

• What were the costs Samson paid for his decisions?

• As a Nazirite, Samson had specific things that set him apart for God. What things set

us apart for God? What sets our marriage apart as a Chris5an marriage?

Tuesday, May 15

Holy Habits Under Pressure

Verse: Daniel 6:1–28

Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his

upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three �mes a day he got

down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.

— Daniel 6:10

Some years ago a major research firm conducted a survey to determine what

people would be willing to do for ten million dollars. The results were astounding:

• 3 percent would put their children up for adop5on

• 7 percent would kill a stranger

• 16 percent would divorce their spouses

• 25 percent would leave their families

We all apparently have our selling price. It might be ten million dollars or only a bo6le

of wine. Our selling price is linked to our iden5ty; the deeper our character, the higher

our selling price.

Daniel was a foreigner in a strange land, and there were many officials who

wished to define his iden5ty for him. Yet he tenaciously clung to the rituals that helped

define his truest self as a child of God. Daniel would not sell himself short, even when

the pressure was on. He con5nued to get down on his knees three 5mes a day, giving

thanks to God, even when he knew the penalty for doing so was being torn apart by

hungry lions. He knew that without God he was nothing.

When a ship is built, each part has a voice of its own. As seamen walk through

the new ship, they can almost hear the creaking whispers: “I am a rivet!” “I am a sheet

of steel!” “I am a propeller!” “I am a beam!” For a while these li6le voices sing their

individual songs, proudly independent and fiercely self-protec5ve.

But then a storm blows in on the high seas. The waves toss, the gales hurl and

the rains beat. If the parts of the ship tried to withstand the pummeling independent

from one another, each would be lost. On the bridge, however, stands the captain. He

issues orders that take all of the li6le voices and bring them together for a larger pur-

pose. By the 5me the vessel has weathered the storm, sailors sense a new and deeper

song echoing from stem to stern: “I am a ship!”

Our Captain calls each of us, especially in marriage, to a greater purpose than

furthering ourselves. Answering that call is a top priority for our lives, as Daniel knew.

Those who hear the Captain’s call are able to sail true and straight. And those who

have that strong sense of service and self-awareness are able to give out of that full-

ness to the Lord and to others.

—Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• What kind of home life might have created in Daniel the strength of character he

displayed for a life5me, even in adverse condi5ons?

• What habits of faith and its expressions are rou5ne and meaningless in our lives?

Which ritual prac5ces do we do mainly for others?

• What habits might be good to develop to grow our rela5onship?

Wednesday, May 16

The Big Result of a Li1le Independence

Verse: Jeremiah 2:1–3:5

“You have lived as a pros�tute with many lovers—would you now return to me?”

declares the Lord. — Jeremiah 3:1

A while back, a man who had a6ended our Bible study stepped down from his

responsibili5es at church and moved out of his house. He le2 his wife and children and

moved in with a gay lover. Our church was stunned, and our close-knit Bible study group

was numb with shock. We hadn’t seen this coming.

Yet the clues were there. With the 20/20 vision that hindsight provides, his wife and I iden-

5fied numerous 5ny infideli5es that had led to the ul5mate big one. He had o2en made

unilateral decisions, not taking his wife’s feelings or viewpoints into considera5on. He o2en

had kept his thoughts and feelings to himself. He certainly had not made a prac5ce of hum-

bly confessing his weaknesses or sins to his wife. His spending of 5me and money reflected

a determina5on to primarily please himself, not to lay down his life for his family (see 1

John 3:16).

The prophet Jeremiah was called the “weeping prophet” because he o2en openly ex-

pressed his sorrow over the spiritual and moral condi5on of the faithless people of Judah

and their impending destruc5on. God was long-suffering, but the people would suffer his

coming judgment.

Judah’s infidelity showed up in numerous acts of disobedience. The people had fallen into

idolatry, immorality and injus5ce. Personal and social corrup5on was prevalent. The Israel-

ites fulfilled their religious obliga5ons, but their hearts weren’t in the right place. Prophets,

priests, nobility and common ci5zens were all guilty. God viewed his people’s many acts of

independence (rather than God-dependence) as tantamount to adultery, an ul5mate

breaking of rela5onship with him.

Most of us can’t imagine how we would ever get to the point of entering into a sexual rela-

5onship outside our marriage. And yet adultery happens all the 5me, almost as o2en with

Chris5ans as with non-believers. And it usually begins with li6le acts of unfaithfulness that

build gradually into bigger ones un5l suddenly one day we realize we’re up to our necks in

a full-blown affair.

So if we want to safeguard the purity of our marriage, we’ve got to be on guard against

small acts of faithlessness. We’ve got to ask ourselves ques5ons, such as: Are my decisions

to spend money at the mall based primarily on my own self-interests or are they made for

the good of my spouse and family? Do I think more about myself than I do about my

spouse in making plans for the evening or weekend? How important are the needs of my

family in deciding whether or not to take on more work?

If, with God’s help, I refuse to take any baby steps of independence that distance me from

my spouse, then I may never take that giant step of adultery. I’m not so overconfident as to

say, “Sexual infidelity could never happen to us.” Instead, I humbly say, “Lord, protect my

daily faithfulness in every way, both to you and to my spouse.”

—Anne6e LaPlaca

Let’s Talk

• When have we been totally surprised by someone’s unfaithfulness?

• If we act as our own “fidelity police,” can we iden5fy ways we’ve each acted inde-

pendently or without considera5on for each other?

• How can everyday choices lead to lifelong sexual faithfulness?

Thursday, May 17

Tending Our Marriage

Verse: Isaiah 5:1–7

What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it?

— Isaiah 5:4

When I was young, I a6ended the wedding of an extended family member. I don’t

remember much about the ceremony, dancing or food. But I do remember the terrible

fight at the recep5on. In front of all the guests, a woman screamed at her husband, broke

down in tears and hid in a corner while her friends consoled her. The man yelled back,

threatened to hit her, then stormed out of the building with his friends. He did not return

that night. It might shock you to learn that I’m describing the bride and groom. But it prob-

ably will not surprise you to learn that their marriage lasted less than a month.

In Isaiah 5, God addressed the people of Israel and described himself as the owner

of a vineyard and Israel as the vineyard. He had chosen a prime loca5on for his grapevines,

nurtured the soil and protected the land from harm. But in the end, the crop of grapes was

no good. So he asked, “What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done

for it?”

The farmer had done everything right; there was no reason why the crop should

not have flourished. But the painful message soon became clear: Israel had failed despite

God’s efforts to ensure her success. Though the people kept up elaborate rituals of wor-

ship, those were meaningless to God because the people neglected to do what he truly

valued: caring for orphans, widows and the poor. As a result, they managed to spoil the

harvest that God had nurtured.

God offers this same nurturing care today for your marriage. Even before you met

your spouse, God was preparing the soil, removing the stones and building a watchtower.

God placed you in a cul5vated land, ready to produce good fruit. But in this vineyard, the

Farmer doesn’t do all the work; you must also do your part.

More and more Chris5an couples today are producing bad marital fruit, spoiling

their rela5onship despite God the Farmer’s efforts. Some couples, like the couple men-

5oned earlier, manage to kill their vine before it even takes hold.

In the end, a marriage will be judged not by the strength of its passion or by its

ceremonial promises, but by the fruit it produces. The Farmer is there to weed, water and

cul5vate. But we must also take prac5cal steps that will help our marriage reflect authen5c

devo5on to each other and a true love for God and his values.

We can choose to forgive quickly and resist resentment. We can serve each other

in purposeful ways throughout the day. We can encourage each other with words of love

and by praying for each other. We can invite strong Chris5an couples to mentor us in spir-

itual growth. We can minister to others in need. By authen5cally reflec5ng God’s values in

our rela5onship, we can do our part to nourish our marriage vineyard and produce a har-

vest of good fruit.

—David and Kelli Trujillo

Let’s Talk

• When we reflect on our life together (how we met, our courtship and our engagement),

where do we see God’s guidance, protec5on and nurturing?

• If we, as God’s people, are compared to a vineyard, how might we ensure the growth of

good fruit within our marriage? What types of fruit do we want to produce as a couple?

• What habits or behaviors have we fallen into that could spoil the fruit of our marriage?

What steps can we take to stop those damaging pa6erns?

Friday, May 18

When You Have to Say “No”

Verse: Esther 1:1–22

This very day the Persian and Median women of the nobility who have heard about the

queen’s conduct will respond to all the king’s nobles in the same way. There will be no

end of disrespect and discord. — Esther 1:18

King Xerxes, the military leader of the Medes and Persians, tried to fulfill his fa-

ther’s failed plan to conquer Greece. Darius had been defeated at Marathon in 490 B.C.

and had died soon a2er. Xerxes amassed one of the largest armies ever and marched back

toward Greece. His army managed to get around the Spartan forces at Thermopylae but

went down outside Athens when the Persian fleet was sunk in the bay of Salamis.

Esther 1 records what may have been Xerxes’ planning mee5ng for the military

campaigns of 482–479 B.C. During this lengthy mee5ng (las5ng 180 days), the men feasted

and drank extensively. At one point, Xerxes commanded his wife, Vash5, to appear before

the assembled men. We are not told why Vash5 refused, but given the circumstances and

the rate at which we can assume the men were consuming alcohol, perhaps Vash5 was

afraid they would ask her to act immodestly—or worse.

Xerxes reacted like a spoiled child. He was furious that his order had not been

obeyed. His advisers encouraged the king’s stupidity. They proposed deposing Vash5 as

queen and banishing her from the presence of the king. Then they planned the first Miss

Universe pageant to replace Vash5 with someone more beau5ful and (hopefully) more

compliant.

Enter Mordecai and Esther, two Jews who were s5ll living in Persia. Although

Mordecai may have also had a Hebrew name, his Babylonian name may betray the comfort

his family had with Babylonian life; it is derived from Marduk, the god Nebuchadnezzar

followed and to whom he dedicated Babylon, his capital.

Ul5mately, Esther was chosen to be the new queen, placing her in a posi5on to

intervene at a 5me when her people were threatened. Esther and Mordecai were able to

save the Jews, but the dire threat made to exterminate them as a people during that 5me

made its mark. Perhaps it was an impetus for Ezra and Nehemiah to go back to Jerusalem

to help the Jews there rebuild the city’s walls and reclaim their spiritual founda5ons.

Within this story, Vash5 o2en goes unrecognized as a heroine. Yet perhaps that

should be acknowledged, par5cularly within the context of marriage. For while Vash5 had

been obedient to her husband in all things, there came a point when her moral fiber pulled

taut and would not allow her to cross a line that required her to do something she knew

was wrong.

In our marriages we need mutual submission and respect, as the apostle Paul

wrote (see Ephesians 5:21–33). But we also need personal courage to say no to one anoth-

er when decency is twisted or when obedience to li6le things would deny obedience to

God’s greater ways.

—Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• What iffy spots of moral behavior have caused disagreement in our marriage?

• Has one of us ever asked the other to do something morally ques5onable? How do

we balance mutual submission to each other with saying no to behavior that compro-

mises our integrity?

• How can we keep our rela5onship unified so that we avoid situa5ons that cause con-

flict when our morals differ?

Week Three

Monday, May 21

Figh.ng Over Nothing

Verse: Joel 2:1–32

Do not be afraid, land of Judah; be glad and rejoice. Surely the Lord has done great

things!— Joel 2:21

In the midst of calamity, of living with the consequences of sin, the prophet Joel

reminds us not to be afraid, but rather to be glad and rejoice, for “the Lord has done great

things!” This is a great reminder for me in marriage.

Okay, my marriage doesn’t usually feel like a calamity. But at 5mes it has felt im-

possible . . . like a mistake… like a mess. It has felt, to borrow an image from Joel, like a

horde of locusts has come in and taken over everything.

Our most recent rough patch was over nothing. I think the immediate cause was

sleep depriva5on and too many evening mee5ngs at church and work. Griff and I just got

stuck, like a needle on a broken record. For about three days, we couldn’t exchange a

pleasant word, let alone a loving one.

We had lost our sense of being a team. Each, I think, was thinking, “I’m contrib-

u5ng way more here.” One of us was thinking, “I do way more housework,” and the other

was thinking, “I slog away at work for endless hours to pay the mortgage.” And together

we were concluding, “Why do I put up with this? I’m not geVng anything out of it.” There

were moments in that three-day period when I seriously wondered if we would ever get

through that horrible 5me. “This is how we’ll be for the rest of forever,” I thought.

Our dissa5sfac5on was not only superficial but also sinful. We were allowing our-

selves to feel alienated from each other and to enjoy strangely delicious feelings of self-

righteous annoyance. I felt a li6le superior; I’m sure Griff did too.

The prophet Joel told the people of Judah that unless they got their act together

(that is, repented), God would destroy them just as locusts had destroyed their land.

At the 5me, I didn’t think God was wai5ng around to unleash lightning bolts on our mar-

riage. But unless Griff and I repented of our small sins—tetchiness, selfishness, anger—our

small sins would quickly become large sins that could do serious harm to our marriage.

At 5mes like that, I find it helpful to remember that the Lord has done great things. He has

done great things in our marriage. He has go6en us through far worse patches than three

days of clawing at each other. Remembering that I don’t have to be in control and that I

should cede that control to God, who has done great things, leads me to repent. A2er

three days or three hours of tetchiness, repentance can be as simple and profound as ac-

knowledging that if I let God into the situa5on, we won’t feel so stuck.

For me, the beginning of repentance is as basic as picturing Jesus walking into the

situa5on. Some5mes I do that when Griff and I are in the middle of a squabble. Some5mes,

I can’t get there un5l later, when I’m alone. Then I replay the scene, the tension and the

annoyance, and I envision Jesus showing up. This is not just some imagina5ve exercise. It is

a prayer, a plea for help. And the God who does great things answers.

—Lauren Winner

Let’s Talk

• What are some of the great things God has done in our marriage?

• What are some small sins in our marriage that some5mes threaten to turn into big,

destruc5ve sins?

• How might invi5ng Jesus into our squabbles lead us to repentance? What might

change as a result?

Tuesday, May 22

Coming to Terms With the Past

Verse: Jeremiah 33:1–26

I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.

— Jeremiah 33:6

A pastor friend told the story of a couple who had come to him for counseling.

The couple had been married 40 or so years, and they were both plagued with guilt. They

hadn’t become Chris5ans un5l their later years, and, prior to that, they had both lived sex-

ually immoral lives. Although they had been faithful to each other during their marriage,

their past dips into immorality were now making them feel guilty for enjoying sex with each

other.

The pastor thought for a moment, then asked the couple to name their favorite

hymn. They both said at the same 5me, “It Is Well With My Soul.” So the pastor told them

to go home and either listen to or sing the hymn every night before they went to bed.

A week later the couple returned to the pastor’s office. They told him that they had felt

foolish at first, but they had sung their favorite hymn together each night. The wife blushed

and the husband got teary eyed as he told the pastor, “When we got to the part that says,

‘My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin not in part but the whole, is nailed to

the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O, my soul!’ well… a2er all

these years we feel fresh and squeaky clean and new all over again.”

Throughout the Bible, God’s rela5onship with Israel was tested over and over by

Israel’s sin. The book of Jeremiah talks about the horrible result of that sin. When the

prophet received the prophecy recorded in chapter 33, Jerusalem was under siege from

the invading Babylonians. Soon God would allow his people to be carried away from their

land into cap5vity and their land to be destroyed. Like the couple who wrestled with mem-

ories of past sins, the Israelites would live with heartrending images of how their unfaith-

fulness to God had resulted in the burning and pillaging of their land. Their city would be

filled with dead bodies.

But the story doesn’t end there. The prophet went on to say that because of

God’s immense love, God would heal Israel’s pain, cleanse the people from their sin, and

restore them to abundant peace and security. “Then this city will bring me renown, joy,

praise and honor before all na5ons on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it,” God

said (Jeremiah 33:9).

Likewise, God does not want us to be forever burdened with our past sins. “You

have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness” says Romans 6:18.

And Romans 6:4 promises, “We were therefore buried with him . . . in order that, just as

Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new

life.” So too is the promise for our marriages, which so o2en bend under the load of sins,

both past and present. We must be honest with ourselves, with the Lord and with each

other about memories or habits or ac5vi5es that may be eroding our rela5onship and then

deal with them. But we can do so in the joy of knowing that in Christ we can find for-

giveness, restora5on and a new start.

—Nancy Kennedy

Let’s Talk

• What are some things from the past that each of us is s5ll struggling with?

• How are they affec5ng our marriage?

• How can we talk about those struggles in a way that builds up our marriage?

Wednesday, May 23

Marry Wisdom

Verse: Proverbs 1:1–19

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruc�on and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.

— Proverbs 1:8

My father was a great teacher. When I was young, he drilled me on his favor-

ite proverb: “Hindsight is be6er than foresight, but never as good as insight.” As a child

I was more intrigued by the fascina5ng twist of the words than by the wisdom it com-

municated. Time, however, has taught me the truth of this proverb (even though it

isn’t one of those found in the Bible): We see farther into the past than into the future,

but those who are aware of how things fit into God’s grand scheme are truly wise.

The book of Proverbs is the heart of Old Testament Wisdom Literature. Even

though Proverbs does not lend itself to theological outlines, a clear understanding of

the book’s structure helps us to be6er understand it. Before the collec5ons of prov-

erbs fashioned in the defini5on of the English term (short, pithy sayings) begin in chap-

ter 10, chapters 1–9 form a cohesive, well-developed introductory series of lectures.

Although the words are addressed to a “son,” this is more of a literary device than a

reference to a historical person.

Both wisdom and folly in the Hebrew language are feminine nouns. So the

writer of this sec5on used these words to evoke possible partners for a masculine ad-

dressee. Throughout Proverbs 1–9, both Wisdom and Folly take turns declaring their

a6rac5ons in a series of personified ma5ng overtures. The speeches are biased in fa-

vor of Wisdom, of course, for this is the thesis stated in Proverbs 1:7.

The goal of Proverbs 1–9 is to show us how godly wisdom merges with real

life. Along the way we get principles for building strong marriages, families and work

rela5onships. The proverbs of chapters 10–31 are word pictures that describe the fur-

nishings sca6ered throughout Wisdom’s house. When we marry Wisdom, we begin to

surround ourselves with her sayings, perspec5ves, tools and visual aids.

These words of introduc5on and the proverbs that follow are meant to be applied to

all dimensions of life. But they resonate clearly with da5ng and marriage rela5onships.

It is from our fathers and mothers that we first learn what marriage is like. If the les-

sons of marriage are taught well by parents who have lingered long in Wisdom’s

house, we gain invaluable perspec5ves on how to respect others, to enjoy the give-

and-take of domes5c living, and to create an environment of hospitality in which to

bring children and friends.

The reverse is also true. Our parents are prone to sin and o2en tempted by

Folly. So we may need to unlearn some of their bad lessons, such as decep5on, lack of

discipline, immodesty or infidelity. But that mixed bag of instruc5on should only re-

mind us that true wisdom, a2er all, is gained first from God.

—Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• What lessons from our parents are healthy for our rela5onship?

• What bad rela5onship habits did we learn from them? How should we do things

differently? Where do we learn wisdom that transcends parental teachings?

• How will we model wisdom for our children? What are some good things they will

learn about marriage from us?

Thursday, May 24

Help for a Shaky Marriage

Verse: Psalm 46:1–11

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.— Psalm 46:1

What could shake the very founda5on of your marriage?

For Rick and Amanda, it started with Rick’s working too much. With each promo5on, Rick

spent more 5me on the road and less 5me with Amanda. But success at work le2 him emp-

ty. He bought things he couldn’t afford to reward himself for his long hours away. Soon he

and Amanda were arguing over money.

To pay the moun5ng bills, Amanda found a job. She also found a sympathe5c

friend at work and tried to heal her hurts with an affair. When Rick found out about the

affair, he quietly made plans to divorce Amanda. Before the papers could be filed, howev-

er, Amanda got sick with a minor illness. But complica5ons set in, and she was put into the

hospital. More than once, the doctors told Rick that she wouldn’t make it through the

night.

That night Rick began to see things differently. He wanted to save the marriage,

but he didn’t know how. As Amanda’s illness became progressively worse, she went into a

coma. Rick feared for her life and spent every waking moment by her side.

In Psalm 46, we see the world being torn apart by cataclysmic disasters—mountains col-

lapsing into the sea, earthquakes, floods and military conquests. But the author of this

psalm tells us that we shouldn’t fear. How could we not be afraid when faced with such

terrifying events?

The psalmist tells us that through all of the turbulence, God is with us. God is our

refuge and strength when problems shake our world. He has such awesome power that the

world actually melts at the sound of his voice. God is in control and will be exalted.

As Amanda lay in the hospital, figh5ng to live, Rick was fired from his job. He had to sell

their house and their car. But when everything he thought was important was stripped

away, Rick found God was there through it all. When he heard God’s voice, it was as if his

earthly troubles melted away. Rick believed God was in control and that Amanda would

live.

And she did.

Today Amanda is permanently disabled. She requires full-5me care. Life will never

be the same for this couple. But their marriage has withstood the worst threats possible.

They now trust God daily for healing, forgiveness and the restora5on of their marriage.

They endured past trials and found that God was their refuge. They will face future trials

knowing he is their strength. Their marriage has never been stronger.

Whatever long, dark nights you face as a couple, let this passage remind you that God is

ever-present, the morning will come, and the ba6le has already been won.


Let’s Talk

• This psalm inspired the hymn “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.” What spiritual fortresses

can we build to protect our marriage in 5mes of trials?

• Recognizing that God is our refuge and our strength during trials means understanding

his character before trials occur. What is God really like? How does knowing who he is pro-

vide us with strength and refuge?

• When our world is shaken, how hard is it for us to believe that God is really in control?

Friday, May 25

Fuel for the Long Run

Verse: Isaiah 40:1–31

Even youths grow �red and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who

hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will

run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.— Isaiah 40:30–31

More weddings at which I 5e the knot result in strong marriages than end in

divorce. Maybe that’s because I won’t officiate unless both partners can openly de-

clare their trust in God. I also insist that they go through significant prenup5al counsel-

ing. S5ll, one couple lasted a mere 14 weeks because he didn’t match up to her roman-

5c ideals and she way overspent his budget. Another marriage survived for a decade

before it was asphyxiated by his hyper-controlling tendencies.

But what scares me more is when a couple calls it quits a2er 20, 30 or 40

years. Once you get past the “11th-year-fear,” shouldn’t some deep interconnected-

ness set in to provide stability for the onslaught of the years? Shouldn’t it be like the

old John Deere tractor that I farmed with as a boy, which took more work to get going

than to keep running? I would strain to turn the massive flywheel over the first 5me,

but once the magnets caught, the pistons popped and the flywheel gained momen-

tum, it almost took an act of God to kill the thing!

God isn’t in the business of killing a good thing. As Isaiah notes, he “gives

strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” (Isaiah 40:29). Even in

marriage? Especially in marriage, since God thought that one up in the first place. S5ll,

how do we find the grace to run the race of rela5onship and not trip along the way?

Isaiah 40 isn’t about magic. Its opening verses recall the stumbling and sinfulness of

God’s people. They speak also about the warm and compassionate heart of God. The

rest of the chapter breathes a reminder to seek God’s care. Marriages, like careers or

characters, aren’t made overnight. They happen when folks dig in for the long run and

keep their eyes on the prize.

Psychiatrist M. Sco6 Peck said that the scariest people aren’t those who have

quirky personali5es or rela5onal scars. The most threatening folk, he wrote in People

of the Lie, are those who don’t believe in a power beyond themselves. When people

stop praying and assume an aVtude of belligerent self-sufficiency, said Peck, they

shrink the world to their perspec5ve and seek to control it according to their whims.

The result is always horrifying.

Marriages that go the distance are inevitably built on trust—in God and in

each other. It’s as an 81-year-old man told me from his oversized chair. Slapping his

hands on the armrests, he said, “We’re 60 years married this week and mighty proud

of our family. But it’s not us that did it; it’s the grace of God.”

—Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• What do we depend on God for in our rela5onship? How do we express that de-

pendency?

• Where do we need God’s help right now? Where are we stumbling or fain5ng? What

should we ask for to recover our courage?

• Who around us has gone through rough places and survived? What can we learn

from them? How might we gain new insights from their experiences?

Week Four

Monday, May 28

Digging Out of a Li1le Sin

Verse: Joshua 7:1–26

Israel has sinned; they have violated my covenant, which I commanded them to keep.

They have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen, they have lied, they

have put them with their own possessions.— Joshua 7:11

I’m tempted to cry, “Not fair!” upon reading the story of Achan. First, it

doesn’t seem like that big of a deal for him to have taken some treasure as reward for

victory in ba6le. And second, all of the Israelites were held responsible for the sin of

one man who had stolen and hidden plunder a2er the ba6le of Jericho against God’s

direct command. Because of the “small” sin of one man, God punished all of Israel by

withdrawing his blessing and allowing the people to be humiliated and defeated at the

ba6le of Ai.

I remember when my young children would complain that a punishment was

too harsh for their “teeny” disobedience. I’d bring up Adam and Eve’s teeny bite of the

forbidden fruit. I’d ask them how many bites of the fruit it would have taken to be-

come a punishable act. They got it—that it’s not the size of the disobedience but the

meaning behind it that’s the problem. Like Achan, Adam and Eve disrespected God by

their disobedience.

Likewise, in marriage, individual ac5ons reflect one’s commitment to the mar-

riage covenant. When I’m tempted to do something selfish, I ask myself two ques5ons:

(1) “How would I feel if Grey did this?” and (2) “How would I feel if our children found

out?” I’m stopped in my tracks every 5me. So, something like an “innocent” email ex-

change with an old flame is now revealed to my own heart for what it is: betrayal.

Sin in marriage is not an individual issue. It affects the marriage rela5onship, the wider

family and also the en5re community. Who would deny that infidelity and divorce

have wreaked havoc upon millions of children and ripped the fabric of our society? In

the same way, Achan’s selfish act ripped the fabric of Israel’s rela5onship with God.

Achan’s other sin was the cover-up; he deceiGully hid the plunder he had stolen. But

eventually the truth was revealed, just as it is in twenty-first-century families. A wom-

an writes in her journal about her in5mate rela5onship with another man. She thinks

no one will ever know. But one day her husband does the unthinkable; he decides to

clean all the books on the bookshelf and discovers the diary behind the dusty volumes.

Or a husband thinks he can cover his gambling losses by taking greater risks that prom-

ise bigger payoffs. But when the bank statement arrives with a nega5ve balance—and

his wife gets the mail—the whole family suffers the painful consequences of financial

loss.

Achan’s lesson s5ll holds true: Everyone loses in the sin game.

—Mary Ann Jeffreys

Let’s Talk

• What steps will we take to stay honest with each other about money, friends, and

recrea5onal ac5vi5es? In what areas have we been less than fully honest?

• What effect might “hidden” sins have on our marriage if we con5nue doing them for

several months or even years?

• What “no big deal” sins are we willing to overlook in our rela5onship? If we con5nue

doing them, what or who might then bring them to light?

Tuesday, May 29

Parental Lessons to Avoid

Verse: Ezekiel 20:1–29

Do not follow the statutes of your parents or keep their laws or defile yourselves with

their idols. I am the Lord your God; follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

— Ezekiel 20:18–19

Most children follow the example of their parents. Even as we move into

adulthood and marriage, it is natural to mirror our parents’ aVtudes and ac5ons. Fol-

lowing their examples can be posi5ve and produc5ve. But what some parents teach

can also be difficult and destruc5ve, or somewhere in between.

Jim and Jolene wrestled with the lessons each had learned in their dysfunc-

5onal families. When they gave their lives and their marriage to Jesus Christ, they

found themselves on a healthier path. But the lessons each had learned from parents

and other family members required a lot of si2ing. As the couple grew in Christ, they

learned three important lessons that the people of Israel also had to learn. The proph-

et Ezekiel provided specific direc5ons:

First, do not follow the rules (wri6en and unwri6en) of sinful parents. Their

destruc5ve behavior, broken rela5onships and spiritual emp5ness can lead to death.

That was Jim’s experience. He had witnessed drunkenness, abuse and betrayal in his

parents’ rela5onship, and as a teen Jim followed their example as he got into drugs,

alcohol and trouble with the law.

Even religious parents can provide poor examples to follow. Jolene o2en

went to church with her family and took part in a youth group. But her mother was

judgmental, and her father was preoccupied with his own life. Neither one modeled

for Jolene how to behave in a long-term rela5onship.

Second, do everything you can to pa6ern your lives and rela5onship a2er

Christ and his followers. Before mee5ng each other, Jim and Jolene had become be-

lievers. Yet they had to learn how to live as authen5c Chris5ans in marriage. They

learned as much as they could from Christ’s teachings and example as well as from

godly couples in church.

Third, keep the Sabbath. It’s easy to organize life around each other, your

jobs, recrea5onal ac5vi5es, house and yard upkeep, or caring for the kids. But as God

says in Ezekiel 20:20, we must keep the Sabbaths holy, “that they may be a sign be-

tween us.” When our lives conform to the pa6ern suggested to us by Scripture, seVng

aside a day to worship God with other believers and leVng everything else line up

a2er that, then, as Ezekiel said, we will know God is our Lord.

—John R. Throop

Let’s Talk

• What were some of the lessons our parents taught us about being a husband or

wife? How did they model good behavior? Not-so-good behavior?

• What are some prac5cal and produc5ve ways we can follow the commands of Christ

to build a spiritual life as a couple and together glorify him?

• In a 5me-challenged world, what are some ways we can keep the Sabbath together?

How can we worship and obey God together?

Wednesday, May 30

Family Abuse and Rescue

Verse: 2 Kings 11:1–16

But Jehosheba, the daughter of King Jehoram and sister of Ahaziah, took Joash son of

Ahaziah and stole him away from among the royal princes, who were about to be

murdered.— 2 Kings 11:2

Un5l a few years ago, I was only marginally aware of this emo5onally powerful

story about Joash. It is, a2er all, stuck in the middle of the long sec5on of 1 and 2 Kings that

many of us some5mes, um, skim.

At any rate, we read here about King Ahaziah’s mother, Athaliah, who had begun

killing off the royal family so that she could rule as queen. Jehosheba, Ahaziah’s sister, saw

what was going on and rescued Ahaziah’s young son Joash, hiding him and his nurse at the

temple. Joash remained there for six years, finally emerging when it was 5me for him to be

crowned as king. What first gripped me about this story was Athaliah, a wicked matriarch

of fairy-tale propor5ons. Can’t you just see her as the Wicked Witch of the West? Once I

tore myself away from that specter, I no5ced how complicated her family was. On the one

hand, this group of rela5ves was truly dysfunc5onal (they were, a2er all, related to the

infamous family of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel). They were so dysfunc5onal that a grand-

mother began killing off her own grandchildren—her own descendants!—so she could grab

the throne. Athaliah makes my overbearing grandmother look like a wimp.

On the other hand, the family wasn’t all bad. Joash’s aunt, Jehosheba, intervened

to rescue the li6le boy and hide him 5ll he was old enough to be king. That’s a powerful

illustra5on of how families that contain violent and destruc5ve kooks and abusers can also

contain courageous and self-sacrificing heroes.

I can relate to the story of Joash because my own aunts played such a huge role in

my growing-up years. While never in danger of being killed, I some5mes felt like I didn’t fit

in with my parents and sister. My aunts stepped into that gap to nurture me, to explain the

weird Winner family mysteries to me, and to help me feel like I belonged. Now that I’m an

adult, my aunts con5nue to be my cherished confidants.

My own aunts—not to men5on Aunt Jehosheba—remind me what a blessing

extended family can be. They help me understand how important it is not to get so focused

on our nuclear families that we forget our wider kith and kin. For some of us, extended

families may not be biological; they may be in-laws, neighbors, friends or church family.

I certainly hope my own li6le family is never as destruc5ve and broken as Joash’s.

But I would be fooling myself to think that my husband and I are perfect parents or that we

can do the job of raising our children by ourselves. We need others to help us do that. By

looking outside the walls of our own home to our rela5ves and church family, Griff and I

will help ensure that our own bad tendencies are caught, checked and corrected by others

who love us and ours.

—Lauren Winner

Let’s Talk

•Thinking about each other’s families, which people are the dysfunc5onal or difficult

ones? Who are the heroes? How do all of these people influence our marriage?

• Are we as a couple open to interven5on, love, even rebuke from friends or extended

family? If we have children how do we encourage rela5onships between them and

other adults in our family whom we love and trust?

•Have we ever acted as someone else’s Jehosheba, stepping in to help the child of a

friend or rela5ve? What have we learned from this experience?

Thursday, May 31

Loving Those You Love

Verse: 2 Samuel 9:1–13

I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan.

— 2 Samuel 9:7

Many years a2er his friend Jonathan died, King David reached out to Jonathan’s

son Mephibosheth. David restored to Mephibosheth the land that had belonged to his

grandfather, King Saul, and David welcomed Mephibosheth to his royal table. Why? Be-

cause David loved Jonathan and wanted to do something kind to a member of Saul’s

household “for Jonathan’s sake” (2 Samuel 9:1).

Some5mes, I don’t want to extend myself on behalf of anyone else, even my hus-

band. But when we entered into marriage, we commi6ed not just to love each other but

also to behave lovingly toward the people we each love. This doesn’t mean we necessarily

have to like everyone our spouse likes. The Bible, a2er all, doesn’t say whether or not Da-

vid liked Mephibosheth. What it says is that David and Jonathan had a special love for each

other (see 1 Samuel 18:1–4; 20:17; 2 Samuel 1:26); and because David loved Jonathan, he

extended kindness to Mephibosheth.

One of the most powerful ways my husband loves me is by loving my sister. To be

completely honest, my sister and I don’t get along that well. We don’t have much in com-

mon (except our faces, which are almost iden5cal). When we’re together, we seem to re-

gress to childhood, circa 1985, when I was nine and she was sixteen. She tells me what to

do, and I bristle. We get tetchy. We pick at each other like hens.

I think Griff and Leanne like each other well enough, though I doubt they would

have sought each other out and become friends had not marriage made them siblings-in-

law. And it doesn’t really ma6er how much they like each other. What ma6ers is that they

extend themselves to one another.

On Wednesday nights, when I have church commitments, Griff eats dinner with

Leanne and her family. Griff also volunteers to babysit for my nephew. When I am out of

town on business, Leanne calls Griff and checks on him. And though Griff and Leanne do

have affec5on for one another, they make these gestures, I think, less out of affec5on for

one another and more out of love for me. Griff understands that ea5ng dinner with Leanne

and her family knits Leanne and me together, even though I am not at the dinner table.

When two people marry, they don’t become involved with just one other person.

Spouses come with a constella5on of families and friends. We can ignore those rela5on-

ships. We can view them as a threat to our rela5onship with our spouse and fight them. Or

we can lovingly insert ourselves into those rela5onships and help grow them.

We don’t have to develop in5mate friendships with all of our spouse’s rela5ves

and close friends. But, as David understood, we can best honor, love and serve our spouse

by making loving overtures to the people they love.

—Lauren Winner

Let’s Talk

• Who are the people (besides each other and our children) we love best in the world?

How have we extended ourselves in love to people in each other’s world?

• Why is it some5mes difficult to love the other people who came with this marriage?

Is there someone one of us finds difficult to love? What would happen if we imagined

God showing up in our rela5onships with difficult people?

• Is there a cherished friend or rela5ve whom we wished had a be6er rela5onship with

one of us?

Friday, June 1

Chea.ng Together

Verse: 1 Kings 14:1–18

At that �me Abijah son of Jeroboam became ill, and Jeroboam said to his wife, “Go,

disguise yourself, so you won’t be recognized as the wife of Jeroboam. Then go to

Shiloh. Ahijah the prophet is there—the one who told me I would be king over this

people.”— 1 Kings 14:1–2

Jeroboam was in a predicament. He had served the great Israelite ruler Solomon

as an official in the department of public works. Encouraged by the words of Ahijah the

prophet that he would one day be king, Jeroboam rebelled against Solomon, resul5ng in his

exile to Egypt (see 1 Kings 11:26–40). When Solomon died and Rehoboam took over, Jero-

boam returned from Egypt and seized the opportunity to lure away most of the kingdom.

Originally, Jeroboam’s main goal was to help the Israelites find a be6er govern-

ment than the one offered by Solomon and his self-absorbed son. But, along the way, pow-

er corrupted Jeroboam; he did things to ensure his tenacious leadership while minimizing

God’s influence.

Now Jeroboam’s son was sick. So the king began weaving a web of decep5on,

enlis5ng his wife to dress like someone else and feign piety before Ahijah to manipulate

him into giving a good report on their son. Rather than seeking God’s guidance, the couple

tried to use the prophet like a good-luck charm. Things turned out very badly for them as a

result.

Marriage binds husband and wife into a unity that changes both of them. While

individual iden55es shouldn’t be crushed as “two become one,” it is also true that we can-

not remain isolated or independent from one another. But in the fusing that takes place,

both good and bad things can happen.

When we share our lives well, we can strengthen our mate’s resolve, nurture our

spouse’s well-being and encourage each other’s gi2s. Unfortunately, we can also have a

nega5ve impact on each other. We can en5ce our partner into suppor5ng our mistakes and

sins. We can ask our spouse to cover up for us when the phone rings and we don’t wish to

be found. We can lie for our mate in public seVngs. We can manipulate our spouse into

falsifying tax returns or hiding assets.

Marriage makes us complicit in the morality of our mate. That is an important

reason to choose wisely before we wed and to build upon a strong moral center in our rela-

5onship a2er we are joined. Great businesses don’t collapse overnight through some minor

accoun5ng error; their founda5ons slowly erode as leaders make each other complicit in

decep5ve schemes. So it is in marriages. While we can win for a while as we help each oth-

er cheat on the truth, in the long run we build a kingdom of facades in which we can nei-

ther trust our partner’s face nor clearly see our own.

On the other hand, when we learn from mistakes like those of Jeroboam and his

wife, we can build a complicity of goodness that our children and friends will admire some-

day when they help us celebrate our silver and golden wedding anniversaries.

—Wayne Brouwer

Let’s Talk

• Are we playing games of decep5on right now? What might we lose through them?

• How can we keep one another morally commi6ed to what is right? Should we sched-

ule regular opportuni5es for accountability checks? What would we ask each other?

• In what areas are we most vulnerable to tempta5on or sin? What do we need most

from each other to strengthen these vulnerable places?

Notes

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