cheeky final review re size

8/8/2019 Cheeky Final Review Re Size

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The

CheekyDimension

by K D Ready

2008 kdready.com


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The Making of Cheeky

The Cheeky Dimension is inspired by a true story. OnAugust 23, 2007, K D Ready was struck by a Muni Bus(pronounced Mew Knee, not Money) at the bottom o the steepest our-laned street in San Francisco. A tera Ka kaesque hit and run experience, K D was heldresponsible or the damages caused by the unknownbus driver. Clinging to li e, K D composed this tome as acleansing experience.

Any resemblance between the characters and locationsdepicted herein, existing or ctitious, and any charactersand locations you may or may not know is eithercoincidental or satire.

This book is dedicated to my amily, riends and peoplewho I have never met that might nd themselves in ahorrible situation. Stay strong, and never orget thatthings can always get worse.

K D ReadyJuly 4, 2008

ISBN 978-0-6152-3630-8

Copyright 2008 by K D Ready, kdready@ kdready.com

http://www.kdready.com

All rights reserved.


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The Cheeky Dimension

by K D Ready

A BRIDGE TOO FAR 4

RUDE AWAKENING 11

NANOMAN 20

HOME, SWEET HOME 28

AS REAL AS IT GETS 34

CANDY 42

WHATS UP, CHUCK? 49

CITY HALL BLUES 56

GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS 63

DOPPELGANGER 70

INERTIA 76

A FINE WINE 84

SECOND THOUGHTS 90THE GOLDEN CHEEK 96

FINAL PREPARATIONS 104

PARTY CRASHER 109

CURTAIN CALL 115


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4

A BRIDGETOO FAR16 October 7.55 AM

For the third morning in a row, Im glued to the Inboxscreen. This is the only account I use or contacting literaryagents, and thus ar, only the Send box is unempty. I myemail account had a sound, it would be crickets chirping.

Today, it has been particularly di cult resisting thetemptation to make a sure-to-be-rejected phone call to my

most recent solicitee. With the truly inventive introductionthat I included in my pitch, however, I am con dent thatshe must be expecting me to make a personal ollow upcall. Anything less would be insincere, wouldnt it? A chatmessage rom Regretta, my second wi e, punctures mysullen anticipation. I hate video chat.

I know youre there Johnnie. I see your stupid ace in my

riends list. Turn on your webcam and answer me, asshole.I you dont get me my money be ore the banks close, Tonys gonna be stopping by. Now, answer me!

Good morning, San Francisco. Not a hello, are youthere, or even a hey... Just the typical serpent-mouthedattack. The moneys not even due until Monday. Thatshow it is when the seventeenth alls on a Saturday. And

now, she wants to send over the thick-necked boy riendshe replaced me with to sponsor her weekend chemicalsupply. Thug and Bitch. They should open a pub.


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I close the laptop and ll my third cup. Staring outthe window in the direction o the og-hidden coast, Iremember the compass unction that ca eine once servedmy wandering mind. I breathing were voluntary, I wouldhave died years ago.

The answering machine catches my eye, letting meknow that somebody wants to reach me, even i it isnt apublisher. Clients. Cant live with em. Cant shoot em. Whattechnophobic, late-paying, email-averse client could becalling me be ore eight on a Friday morning. I thought Ihad them better trained than that.

Hello, Mister Lappdog. This is Natanya Lia , Miss Andressassistant. The tone o your email query and its contentconvinced us to reply directly as well as by post. Yourunsolicited manuscript was ar too large or our emailserver to process, and when one o our sta attemptedto open it, a virus it contained knocked out our entirenetwork or a day. Please, dont ever contact us again. Iwould like to say I wish you the best, but truth ully, I dont.Goodbye, Mister Lappdog.

A ter seventeen months and seventeen emails, contactwith an agent has nally been established. Now, how doesthat work? Is a personalized rejection like publicity, whereall publicity is good publicity? Or is it more like, no news isgood news.You know what. This is stupid. The whole damned thing.I mean, here I am a three-times divorced twenty-sevenyear old sending query a ter query to get a ctional storypublished. What does it matter i it sees the light o day? The ame? The ortune? Is it merely the quest or re thatburns within each o us?


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6

I could rankly care less about the ame, but I could reallyuse some ortune this month. My clients are all late withtheir checks, two o my ex-wives have had cost-o -livingadjustments in their alimony payments, the rent is pastdue, my cars been booted or unpaid parking tickets, andmy last credit card was just cancelled.

How the hell can I turn this around? Where is my hal - lledglass? Why do I always have to set the example o how youdont want to end up? The more I think about it, the moreit seems like the only way to have a hal - lled glasstohave the ultimate last laughis to die in the red. Thatsit! To die in the red! Ill go black on the way out, becausedeath is the great equalizer. The nal denominator.

Now, let me think about this. What makes the most sense?I live in San Francisco, I want to kill mysel , and I want tomake a statement. Oh, my God. This is almost too good tobe true. This is like the ultimate schaden reude. I can nallylaugh at the immiserization o my vulture debtor club.You cant get blood rom a corpse, a ter all! Okay. So, howshould I do this?

Statistically, most men kill themselves with handguns,while most women use pills. I dont like guns, and I dontknow where to get the kind o pills Id need to overdose.Its not like the old days. Everyones moved. Hey, wait aminute. What about the bridge? The Golden Gate Bridge! Icould celebrate the precise anniversary o the 1989 quaketomorrow by jumping o the bridge at exactly 5:04 PM!And, to be air, Ill even make the most sincere e ort toactually y, like Ive described at length in my unpublishednovel.


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7

This type o thing, o course, shouldnt be done withoutcare ul consideration and planning. What will I do aboutGinger? The pound? A eral li e? Hm. I dont like thethought o either. Janet would be happy to take her or theweekend, and what she does when Im gone is up to her.

What other things should I sort out be ore I go? I certainlydont want to say any goodbyes. All that would do is invitesuicide-by-committee. And that aint going anywhere ast.Not as ast as the automatic over-drawing debits at thebank in any event.

Theres no time to think about yesterdays bad news,tomorrow will be the single most exciting day o my li e.Whats more, Ill be able to see i the story Ive been writing

or the past ve years is truly ction. Should I actually yand save mysel rom dying, I will have a reason to live anda way to pay my bills. I mean, i I can y, what wont I beable to do? According to my novel, time travel is the nextstep. And i I dont make it, I still win. Debt- ree and twosteps ahead o the exxes. Sweet. Now, wheres my beer?

17 October 11.25 AM

I love the bold, cobalt blue in the San Franciscan sky thistime o year. With the nightly cleansing rom the og that

washes in and out, under and over the bridge, lling anddraining the Sacramento Rivers estuary lungs, its a clean,resh air like nothing I knew as a child on the Lower East

Side o Manhattan. In those days, I was too young anda raid to go anywhere near the rivers edge. They tell me itsmells nice these days, but Im sure its no Paci c scent.


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8

Does it bother me to leave on a day so beauti ul, or shouldI await the rst day whose temperament is as melancholyas my inner mood? Knowing my luck, that would not beuntil January ar too long a period to su er the tortuousexcoriation and ear-thrashing I would expect to undergoin the meantime. No, I knew youd ask, and the answer is,No, it doesnt bother me.

One thing that does bother me is being orced to shell outa cover last night at the Bottom o the Hill. The doormanpretends he doesnt know me, the bar sta is all new, and Ibarely had the beer money to enjoy my last night out. And,o course, Thug and Bitch had to show up. How small canone town be!

Janets door is still not open. I hope she slept at home lastnight. Shes been seeing more and more o a co-workerwho happens to be her boss. Twenty years ago, shetells me, she baby-sat the cheeky monkey. Now, theyrebedmates. Go gure.I hear you, I hear you! Ginger, please stop rubbing againstmy leg. I just washed these.

What will I do with that damned cat i Janet doesnt wakeup or show up? Im not so worried about my amily and

riends, but I wish I knew that my little monster would beokay. A ter all, Mom and Dad showed me the door when Iturned eighteen, three months be ore graduation. StraightAs werent good enough or them. And riends? Theyarent around when you really need em, are they? Ginger,please stop looking up at me like that. Your eyes are muchtoo curious or me today.


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Oh, man! Less than hal a day to kill, and were out o catood. Why did I have to tip that bartender so much last

night! Oh, yeah. The tits. Damn those melons! And damnmy empty cupboard! I had planned to eat the last can o tuna with some noodles be ore heading to the bridge, butit looks like plain Top Ramen or my last meal. At least Idont have kids to worry about. Could you imagine?

Mind watching my three kids or the weekend? Im goingto Reno to win enough money to pay the rent. Be rightback.

Yeah. Right. Leaving a cat is hard enough.

17 October 4.20 PM

I had better get going. Time waits or noone and all that.Im so glad that I was able to give Janet the spare key. Theres no way shell abandon a cat as cool as Ginger.

Its a shame that time doesnt have a little elasticity. Thereare some hours I wish lasted minutes or never evenhappened at all, and others that I wished would neverend. Like the night I met Candy. She was my rst wi e.I say, was not because shes dead, but because thatmarriage was annulled. The morning a ter the service,the hotel room burst open with two gun-drawn deputiesin silhouette blocking the New Jersey sun. It seems thatCandy had lied about her age on the marriage certi catethat weekend in Atlantic City.


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On re ection, that was probably the happiest night o myli e. Now, lets see. Which way should I take to the bridge? The ocean route provides the nicest view, but Im ar tooprone to stopping and smelling roses or that divergence.No, I think that Ill take the Arguello gate through thePresidio. One last uphill to give me a chance to reconsider,which I wont, and one lovely downhill, ollowed by agentle uphill grade to the bridge itsel . I just have toremember: no rose smelling on the way.

Now, what the hell is this going on? Road blocked!Damned environmentalists. Why are they always in theway? Dont get me wrong; I love trees as much as the nextguy. It just seems theres always someone stopping you

rom doing what you want to do: insurance companies,environmentalists, cops. Yeah, there are some things Imnot going to miss about this so-called li e. Ill laugh atthem, too, on the way down. Meanwhile, Earth-to-Johnnie,

you better get around this crowd, or youre going to missyour appointment with destiny. HeyI just realized! Itsthe seventeenth, and Ive had seventeen rejections. Waytoo prophetic to let a bunch o eco- reaks get in my way!

Hey! What are you doing! Look out! Look out!

Is someone yelling at me? That voice sounds so amiliar.Hey, its him! The Governator! Oh no! Oh no!

[Sounds o tires squealing, ollowed by a DIMENSION-SPLITTING CRASH!]


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11

RUDE AWAKENING

in the Dimension We Hope to Call Real

16 November 6.45 PM

I was such a bitch!

Yeah. Me, too. Is there any more co ee?

Oh, hello. Is this Johnnie Lappdogs room?

Thats him there. And who might you be?

My names Alice. Johnnie and I were married last year, butwe divorced a ew months later. He was such a timely man.So easy to take or granted. What did you say your nameswere?

Im Desdemonia. This is Regretta. We met in the lobby, but

they wouldnt let us smoke.Youre allowed to smoke in the patient rooms?

He aint complaining.

Well theres a rst.

You two are wicked. Have an extra cigarette?

Here. You can suck on mine and blow out the window.Charming.


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12

You know what they say. About only the good dyingyoung.

Dying? I thought the doctors saidThe doctors said ty- ty. His insurance ran out, andunless a guardian angel steps in, his plug is set to be pulledany minute. I aint got the money to eed no vegetable.You?

Even i he lives, aint nothing on that man thats gonnawork right. I you know what I mean.

Are you talking about me?

The surprised look on their aces and the dropping o co ee cups and cigarettes tell me they are.

Johnnie! Youre alive!

Thank God!

Thank Allah!Thanks a lot! I just lled out a dozen orms based on theassumption that you were dead. Christ, whats wrong withyou!

Why does Regretta always have to bring down a mood,not matter how dark it is? And, why are these three allhovering around me? Oh shit. Im in a hospital.

Yeah, whats wrong with me! Howd I get here? Whatsgoing on? Why are the three o you standing there? And,please give me a drag o that cigarette. Please!

Even Regretta cant re use a dying man a hit o hernicotine stick.

You were in an accident, honey. The three o us were

invited to pay our last respects today. The hospital peoplesaid theyd be taking you o li e support as soon as weleave.


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What!

Whats going on in here? Is someone smoking? Oh my

heavens! Doctor, the patient in Room 314 has regainedconsciousness. Doctor! Doctor!

Suddenly, all the worlds in my hospital room? What gives?How many people do you need to take someones bloodpressure! For a doctor, the guy approaching me sure seemsto be sweating. I hope he plans to wash his hands.

How are you, young man? Can you talk? Can you hearme?Yes, yes! What time is it? Did something happen on thebridge?

The bridge? I dont know anything about any bridge,but the time is just about seven oclock. Do you havesomewhere to go?

Yeah, Johnnie. Do you have somewhere to go? Regrettasvoice sticks to the air like smoke. Even when she leaves, herwords will reek in place.

Doctor, can we have some privacy?

The doctor looks around him to see my view o thehoverers. The speed o his motion and the bobbing o hisshiny noggin makes me think hes doing a head count.Come on, doc! This is not the view a sick man needs tobring him to good health. Get em out o here already!

O course! O course! Please orgive me. Excuse me,everyone, please leave the room. This means everyone,and take your co ee and cigarettes with you!


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14

The doctor casts a mean glance at the cigarette butts onthe windowsill, then ollows Regrettas gesturing head tomy eyes. Curse that woman. Even on my deathbed, sheblames me or her egregiousness. My throat is too dry toattempt a de ense.

There. We are alone. Now where were we?

Could I please have some water?

O course. Nurse. Nurse! Get this man some water. Rightaway.

I cannot even utter a thank you, as I hold o the mansquestions with my raised hand, drawing languidly rom thesterile container the nurse has pressed against my blue-dry lips.

What have you been told?

I just woke up. How did those three get here so ast?

Youve been unconscious or a month. Your brain hasnot shown any sign o li e or several hours, and we wereabout to honor your drivers license request to be an organdonor.

An organ donor! Im not done with them yet!

Yes, yes. O course not. We did not expect you to surviveand were on the verge o harvesting what we could

rom you. To tell you the truth, Im quite late or theprocedure. Had I been on time, we wouldnt be having thisconversation.

I have got to get out o this bed. This guy is scaring the hellout o me! My neck and head are moving naturally, and Imable to scoot mysel up to a seating position. My ace eelsa little unny, though.

Hey! Watch out! You havent used your muscles in amonth, and youre still pretty banged up.


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I reach or my ace and the ngers on my right hand getlost in a pile o blood and pus that used to be my rightcheek.

Mister Lappdog! Please, leave your cheek alone. Dontmake me use the handcu s on you again!

A large black woman is grabbing both o my hands by thewrists and placing them at my side. How did she get in?

Johnnie, this is Nurse Bitterroot. I summoned her with thesilent alarm button to help calm you down. You must notget excited, young man.I look up at him, conscious o my weak eeling. Is this thee ect o drugs, or a sedentary li estyle mixed with coma, Iwonder. I need to ght and not ght in the same instant. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

You wont be going anywhere or a ew days, at least.You may not realize this, but you are probably the luckiestperson I have known in my medical career. Not only shouldyou have been dead in the accident, you should have beendead several hours ago on the cutting room table. Thank God or tardy doctors and the roll o li es die.

Yes. Thank God.

I will come back shortly with some colleagues. Please try

to rest, and use this remote i you need to call the nurse.Its the red button, here.

Thank you, doctor. Ill wait here or you.


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Wow. The luckiest person that late bastard has everknown. And hes no spring chicken. Luck. Fate. God. Ivenever believed in any o the three. But what i it is true?What i there is such a thing as Fate, created by God, thatdetermines how things are going to end up, and Luck isthe illusion that makes us believe that we can in uencedestiny? Wow. Way deeper a thought than my mind canhold.

He said Ive been unconscious or an entire month. Canthat be? Last thing I remember, I was going to the bridgeto get my revenge against the leeches sucking li e out o my overtaxed carcass. And now, I wake up in the hospitalsurrounded by the very ones I was eeing. Desdemoniaand Alice looked nice. Even concerned. Im sure i theywerent in the room, Regretta would have already shut medown. I almost think I remember her complaining to Tonyon the cell phone about me not being dead. Its so hard to

believe that we used to be intimate.Hey. Wait a minute. Heres a bitch I cant even stand whois one o the nails that Im slamming into my own co n?Wheres the logic in that? Knowing how much shed love tosee me six eet under, spite alone gives me reason to live!What about my apartment? And Ginger? And me? Was itmy ault? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Will

I live?Mister Lappdog. Mister Lappdog. There are a ewcolleagues that I would like you to meet. From the le t,this is Agnes, Barney, Charles, Miriam, Janice, Edward,Moustapha, and Sigmund.

Somehow, the group simultaneously lets out a hello, withhal o them smiling, one o them looking away, and the

rest looking... well, looking strange. Lets just leave it atthat.


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Whats wrong with me, doc?

That is exactly what were here to nd out. But, much

more important is whats right with you! Youre alive! Youreconscious. And a motor neuron disease that had begunto set in since the accident appears to have completelydisappeared!

Translation?

Oh, sorry. You were in the ast lane on the road toparalysis, and you took an o -ramp be ore you arrived.

In other words...?

Your body movements suggest that you have lost littlemobility.

And thats a surprise?

It is when you consider that a month ago, the disks inyour neck rom C2 to C7 had all swollen to unimaginabledimension.

Which means?

Which means, that you should not be able to moveanything above or below the neck. I youre lucky, youshould be able to blink your eyes, but talking or evenblowing your nose should already be impossible or you toachieve.

Whos paying or all this?

Well, youre quite ortunate in that regard. You were hit bythe Governors Green Humvee.

Green Humvee?

Its an environmentally riendly SUV on steroids, i youll

excuse the expression.Youre excused.


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Anyway, when you were brought to the emergencyroom, all we could nd on you was your iPod Nano. Yourneighbor, Janet, happened to be volunteering at an Eco-Summit put on by Apple in the Presidio. She identi ed you,and the Governors o ce has made sure that your rent andcar payments have been kept up.

He has? I didnt even vote or the guy!

Sh! Please dont say that. Your bene actor is very sensitivein that regard. I dont think that your political view really

needs to be advertised here.Im in bed, doctor.

Yes. O course.

Was I on TV? I mean, hit by the Governator! Thats got tobe a headline.

No, the incident took place be ore the Summit got

underway. Mister Jobs and the Governor thought it bestto not distract rom the event, and the Mayor elt the sameway.

Mister Jobs?

Steve. Steve Jobs. Apple guy. The event sponsor at thePresidio. Both o them visited you once and expressedtheir regrets. Theyll take care o your expenses and helpyou back on your eet. Assuming you walk.I cannot resist the dare sound in his voice and throw bothlegs o the bed so that my eet are actually on the oor orthe rst time in a month.

Assume this!


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Oh, shit! Down on the ground aster than a speedingbullet! So much or Superman. Well, at least Im using myarms and legs in a ashion to suggest that I understandhow to use them. Theyre just not working exactly as Iremember.

Johnnie! Johnnie! You will be ne, but youre goingto have to undergo physical therapy and a series o examinations. Your case will make it into medical books.Your survival means hope or thousands in similarsituations.

Wow! Imagine that. From suicidal maniac to hope beaconin one easy move. What a country.

For the moment, please try to relax and let thesepro essionals prod, probe, poke and jab you or a ewhours. Theyll try to be gentle, and it will help i you justrelax.

Yes, Johnnie. Please try to relax. This is likely to be slightlyuncom ortable.

[Sounds o screams.]


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NANOMAN

in the Cheeky Dimension

16 November 6.45 PM

Oh, my head! Ive never known such pain. Its like a razor-sharp pincushion pressed against my ace with an extradeep spike in my right cheek. Thats strange. I cant yawn. Icant move anything. No! No! No! This cant be happening! Imust have survived the all!

Doctor! Doctor! Vital signs on the patient in Room 314 aregoing o the chart! Doctor!

Doctor? I must be in a hospital. Please, Lord, give me thestrength to open my eyes!

What is it, nurse?

Its NanomanI mean, its the patient, sir! Look at themonitors, and look here! Look at his trembling eyelids.

My eyes... theyre opening! Oh, my God. I believe! I believe!Oh, too bright. Much too bright. Boy, did that hurt. I think Ill wait be ore trying that again. Let me regroup and gureout what the hell is going on.

He blinked!He blinked!


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Yes. I blinked. Award or overstating the obvious to thedoctor and nurse team in Room 314. Now, what about therest o me? God?

Is it my imagination, or does His answer sound like thechirping crickets in my Inbox?

Call it in, Nurse Bitterroot. Call it in. Do you have thenumber?

I have it up here, doctor. Memorized it the rst night.

Very good. Now stop wasting time and use it!

Sieg heil, Herr Doctor.

Ouch. Touch, Nurse Bitterroot! I only I could open myeyes wide enough to see his reaction. Nope. It eels likeI could open them i I really wanted to, but it wouldprobably lead to the same blinding pain that the lastlook gave me. Think, Johnnie, think! What would Stephen

Hawking do in a moment like this? Can I be ingeniousenough to strike a simple Boolean conversation, at thevery least?

Is this the rst sign o movement since hes been here?

Yes, sir. He hasnt even been able to breathe on his ownsince the tow truck pulled the Humvee o o him a monthago.

Whats his name?

We have no idea, sir. I dont know i you read the papers,but this is the guy known as Nanoman in the press.

Nanoman?

Yes, sir. He had no identi cation on him when he wasbrought in, only an iPod Nano.

An iPod?


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Yes, sir. A Nano. The Governor was test-driving a state-o -the-art Green Humvee at an environmental summit andcollided with the patient.

I see.

At rst, the mayor and summit organizers attempted tokeep the incident under wraps, but a video appeared onYouTube hours be ore the summit got under way.

This is that guy?

Yes, sir. Nanoman.

Nanoman.

Damn it. I dont care how much this hurts. Im going toblink twice in a row just to get them to at least address me.Well gure out how to communicate later. Just, please,look at me!

Sir! Nanoman blinked! He blinked twice!

He did! I mean, please re er to the patient as the patient!Have the others arrived? Theyve got to see this.

Sorry, sir. No, theyre enroute. What can I do?

Call my o ce and let them know what happened. Leaveme with the patient.

Finally. I wish someone would just tell me what happened.Was I on my bike? Wheres my bike?

Young man, I am Doctor Phielguduggen. You have beenin an accident. Please blink once i you understand me.

Oh, boy. Here comes the pain.

Excellent. This is phenomenal. Young man, can you blink one eye at a time? Or move anything else?


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This guy is such an asshole. Cant he tell that blinking reallyhurts? It eels like Im crying, but I cant be sure. I wonderi Im paralyzed. I mean, that sounds kind o stupid, but Iwant to know how bad my situation is. Is this temporary? Isthere any hope or recovery?

What am I thinking? O course you cant answer me.Let me think o the most rudimentary communication.Perhaps even blinking is di cult. Okay. I you understandme and blinking is di cult, blink once. I not, blink twice.

Thats better. Oh, boy. Even once is not so easy. Imagineyour eyes less than an inch away rom the strongest klieglight ever made powered by more megawatts than it takesto light up Los Angeles on a Saturday night. And then,multiply it by ten. Okay. Here goes. Once or di cult, twice

or easy. Gotcha.

Oh, I am sorry. One blink suggests that I should be judicial

with my queries. Young man, you can have con dence thatthe best medical minds in the country are dedicated toseeing you on the road to recovery. As best you can, pleasetry to relax until I return. And congratulations, young man!Congratulations!

Somehow that does not sound as reassuring as he mayhave intended. This is so incredibly and ironically ucked!I cant even kill mysel right! Id give anything or a secondchanceto jump, that is.

18 November 9.10 AM

Nanoman! Nanoman! Blink this way! Over here!Nanoman!


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Whats that? The rst time in I-dont-know-how-long sincesomeone has checked on me. I thought that damneddoctor said hed be right back. Whoever it is thats callingme is not the same person talking to me be ore. And didhe say Nanoman? Shit, I dont like the sound o this, butthis is the rst chance Ive had to communicate in what

eels like days. Here comes the pain.

Quick! Get it! Get it!

The sounds o rapid-clicking camera lenses and

congratulatory muttering suddenly permeate what Iassume to be my hospital room. I dont think I was moved,was I? Christ, I have no idea about anything right now. Idont know how long Ive been awake, or i Ive even slept.Since I opened my eyes those many hours ago, Ive elt noheat or cold, no hunger or thirst. For that matter, I dontremember the last time I took a dump nor what the needto eels like. Its like Im a brain without a body. Or a brainwithin a body, depending on how you look at it.Lets get out o here! I hear someone coming down thehallway.

Thats strange. And now theyre running away? What thehell was that all about? Is somebody whistling? Do copsstill do that?

NanoI mean. Shit, what do we call this guy, Sam?Nanoman, isnt it?

No, dude! His real name!

Dont you know, dumbass! Nobody knows his real name,thats why hes called Nanoman! Do you think i they knewwho he was, theyd call him Nanoman?

Got it. Nanoman. So, Nanoman. I hear you blink tocommunicate, so Ill keep this short. Please blink i youheard someone in your room just be ore we got here.


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Oh great. Here I am being asked to rat on someone ordoing something by voices without aces. How should Iknow who the bad guys are? For some reason, I think thesemight be the good guys, and the last guys were the badguys. But, i they were members o the press, does thatmake the press the bad guys? Shit, I dont know i I shouldblink or not. Let me think about this.

He aint blinking! They must have gone the other way.Damned papparazzi! Going a ter a corpse or ucks sake!

Come on, Sam! Leave it alone. This guy can hear, youknow.

So reaking what! Whats the cripple gonna do, blink meto death? Tell on me by blinking his reaking head o ?Dont come on me, asshole! Now, lets nd those guys. Youknow youre allowed to draw your weapon when they run,dont you?

Yeah. Yeah. Calm down already. Ill take the stairs andmeet you back at the lobby.

Hey, maybe I wanted my picture taken. Am I missing aroyalty opportunity? Is there a back end on this?

18 November 9.40 AM

Hello, my names Doctor Dieright. This is going to bedi cult, and I want to do my best not to cause you anxiety.First things rst, we need a way to address you.

Oh, no. Here it comes. Hes going to ask me my name.What does he expect, that Im going to blink it out to himin Morse Code? That Ill blink the number o characters ineach letter o my name, one a ter the other and hope that

he can understand? Please, dont ask me anything toostupid! You can call me jitterbug i it makes you eel good.


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The newspapers and television have been calling youNanoman or the past month. It would really make thingseasy i we just stuck to that or the time being. I you dontmind answering to Nanoman, please blink once or me.

Nanoman? I swear I must be losing my mind. A doctor isasking i he can call me Nanoman? Hes only asking orone blink, though. What are my alternatives? Shit, this isso reaking stupid. Why cant he just call me Johnnie or

ucks sake? All right, you want a blink! Fine. Ill give you thelongest ugliest blink I can manage. I hope I cry, and I hopeeven more that it makes you eel bad, Doctor FreakingDieright!

Great! Great! Nanoman it is. Well, Nanoman, welcomeback to the world o the living. Theres a long road ahead,and Im the rst ambassador o Western medicine youllbe meeting along the way. I have been tasked withassessing various treatment options, inter acing withpharmaceutical agencies and the press, and nding themost lucrative career choices or you to make in yourenhanced condition.

Its important or you to know that I am not what youwould call a medical doctor. Im the doctor you call to getdrugs that others re use to prescribe. I you know what Imean.

And I think to mysel , is this a good thing?


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When I rst heard your case, I got in touch with mybrother-in-law who has contacts in Hollywood. I youreinterested in getting out o this bacteria-incubatinginstitution and taking the ast train to easy street, Imgoing to make some moves to make it happen. For themoment, your blink is as good as a handshake or me. So,how about it? Do you want to accept the representation bymy brother-in-law and mysel as your talent agents or lm,television and print outlets?

I blink. Not a conscious blink. An actual blink. Film? Television? Im sure Id make a delight ul center o attention. Whats the theme? Human vegetables? Thisweek, we have the Nanoman Casserole?

Nanoman, you will not regret that blink! As sure as thegold-plated cheek that re ects your golden soul, I willbegin researching unique opportunities or which youalone are quali ed to exploit. You will hear rom me soon.Until then... Nanoman!I didnt even mean to blink! Gold-plated cheek? What is hetalking about? I wonder i that has anything to do with thepain in my cheek. I dont eel much o anything anywhereelse in my whole body except when I try to blink. I wonderhow many carats it is?


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HOME, SWEETHOME

in the Dimension we usually call Real

23 November 3.15 PM

Here you go, Johnnie. Clean as a whistle.

Clean as a whistle? Where do you come up with theseancy phrases?

I had verbose grandparents. The mails on your diningroom table, and your beds got resh sheets. Should I sendin Ginger, or will your Highness desire solitude?

Thanks, Janet. I dont know what Id have done withoutyou. Or Ginger, or that matter.

Dont mention it. Shes an amazing cat.

I you dont mind watching her this a ternoon, that wouldbe great. I have a lot o catching up to do.

Not at all. Ill mind when she leaves. Ive never met a catthat plants itsel at across the pages o anything youretrying to read. Did you train her?

Train her? Theres no such thing as a trained cat. Even a catwith as much dog in her as Ginger has.

I wasnt asking about her sex li e.


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Janet! Gingers ears will be burning. Ill come get the littlemonster be ore Sixty Minutes.

Sixty Minutes?Ginger likes the theme music.

I see.

For someone that sees, you sure are looking at me unny!

Seeing and agreeing are as ar apart as hearing andlistening.

You think Im wrong about her appreciation o the SixtyMinutes theme music?

First o all, Sixty Minutes doesnt even have theme music.Its just tick-tick-tick. Why dont you buy the poor girl ametronome so she gets more than a weekly x?

You think Im crazy.

I didnt sayNo, no, no. Tell you what. Ill buy a bottle o winenicewine. Ten dollar a bottle wine, and o er you the wholething unopened i Im wrong about Gingers a ection orSixty Minutes. No strings attached.

Ten dollars, huh? Unopened. Novel. How will I tell thatshes appreciating that inane Sunday night tickery?

My Ginger wears her peccadillo like a badge. You willknow her sentiments. And i youre not convinced, you cantake the bottle home with you.

And i I am?

Then, youll be invited to share the bottle with Ginger andme. And, o course, the cast o Sixty Minutes.

You know them?

I meant as a member o the audience.


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The studio audience?

No. The living room audience.

Mister, youve got yoursel a deal! Welcome home,Johnnie!

Thanks. Ill see you tonight.

See you then.

I only she were more my type o woman, like twenty yearsyounger and less developed in the hips and above the

neckline. Smart women are dangerous. Or at least the onesIve known that have wisened up.

Okay. Time to ace the music. Ill ip the stack o mail toread the oldest rst. I hope theres nothing perishable. Letssee. Thats strange. The three oldest are all rom clients.And they look like checks! Oh my God! Three checks andthey all arrived on October 19th. Five thousand, three

thousand, and teen thousand! Thats not right. Thats waytoo much. Two o them have early completion bonuses!

I am such an idiot. I it werent or the Governora guyI didnt even vote orsaving my li e, Id be rotting withthe shes right now. Note to sel : impatience is a suicidaltendency. All right, whats next? Bills, bills, bills, red-papered bills, Governors o ce, and something rom

Desdemonias lawyer. Oh, great. Another increase! Howmany times can they do that in one year? Wait a minute. This isnt an increase. Its a noti cation that shes gottenremarried! And my nancial obligation toward her hasended! No reaking way. These things dont happen in realli e.


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It doesnt look like anythings been turned o yet: thephone, cable and electricity all work. Let me see what theGovernators got on his mind. Hm... Bla, bla, bla... madepayments to... what! No way! Arnolds paid o my carand the next six months o insurance! And he put twentythousand bucks in my checking account! I might not havevoted or the guy, but I sure do appreciate his style. Evenhis errant driving was right on the money.

I this whole thing hasnt been a wake up call, I dontknow what will be. Ive got to use this second chanceas a launching pad or a new li eone worth living andcelebrating. And that means every aspect o this out-o -control li e. Im going to make a list o all the things Ihave to be grate ul or, and another o all the things thatcon ound me. By the time Im done sorting things out,Ill have only one list, and I will be very grate ul. Johnnie,welcome to your new li e!

So, where should I start? Maybe I should treat my li e likemy mailturn it upside down and work my way orward.Let me think. Parents? Classmates? Un nished projects? OrCandy. Nothing would make my li e sweeter than to haveher back in it. Maybe I should start with her. I wonder i shes still on the East Coast.

23 November 6.30 PM

A ter three and a hal hours, Ive nally ound her. She hasquite a presence on MySpace. And, get thisshes gotthree tats with my name on them. One o them orms aninterlocking mosaic as the background o her Web page. Iwonder i its such a good idea to contact her. Maybe shesa bit too reaky even or my standards.

Hello! Anyone home?


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Mrow.

Janet! Ginger! Youre early, but thats better than the

alternative!I should say so!

Howve you been, my little orange monster? Did you missme?

Oh, shit. Shes looking up at Janet as though she needspermission to reply. I eel like Robert DeNiro in Casinowhen Sharon Stone looked to Joe Pesci or approval be oreobeying her cuckold spouse. I hate her.

O course she does. Shes been scratching the door or thelast hal hour.

Daylight savings time.

What?

Daylight savings time. Sixty Minutes is sixty minutes later.Nobody told Ginger.

I see.

Again?

Yes, and I have had an epiphany in the meantime.

You have?

Yes, we can open the bottle now and i I win, Ill invite youto share it with me. And the cast o Sixty Minutes.

Oh. Well, okay. But, youll still see that Im right. She does aMichael-Jackson style moon dance in rhythm to the tickingright in ront o the tee vee. Blocks the view same way shewalks on what youre reading.

Have you tried watching Fox?

Shes not that kind o cat. Have a pre erence or wine?


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Nothing too sweet or too dry.

Okay, baby bear. Ill be right back. You can wait here with

Ginger i you like.I think I will.


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AS REALAS IT GETS


23 November 3.15 PM

Nanoman! Nanoman! I told you that you wouldnt regretthat blink! And you wont believe what I have lined up.

Lined up. What a concept. From what I remember o the

days when my eyes beheld the world in which I now eeltrapped, a line was the shortest distance between twopoints. While I no longer see or speak, I know this simplerule rarely applies, and is even more rarely ollowed.

There are three things on the agenda today. First, I wantto tell you about a tremendous opportunity Ive beenworking on. With my brother in law. Second, Im going to

stay right here with you until Ive taught you to a way tocommunicate. And third. Third, youre going to blink yourway into a ten million dollar contract with Fox TV.

Ten million dollars? What the does this ruitcake havelined up? I dont like the sound o this, but this is the rsttime anyones engaged me in days. Do I have any choicebut to hear him out?


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So, theres this girl named Spicy Eisickels over at Fox, yousee. Bob went to school with her. Hes my brother in law.Anyway, Bob and Carol, thats Bobs wi e, my sister, work atan organ harvesting center.

I dont know i its just me, but the line this guy uses toconnect dots is anything but short and straight. Is there apoint here?

So, when the two o them were channel sur ng andbounced rom American Idol to CNN, they heard your story

and were touched.My story? What the uck is my story? Earth-to-doctor-guy, ll me in already!

Bob had a sudden inspiration about how someone inyour predicament could still contribute to society intremendous ways.

Tremendous? I just remembered how it eels to want tocrap. Must be the guys use o adjectives.

On TV, the doctors said that you had six months to live.

Six months, huh? Well, that gives me something to look orward to.

They also said that your body assets... that is to say, yourorgans, are in extraordinarily good shape.

Hm. Too bad he cant hear me think.

So, Bob got the crazy ideawhich he shared with Spicyo a Reality TV show where you give o yoursel blood,bone marrow, and so orth, until... drum roll, please. The

nal episode coincides with the introduction o Cali orniasvoter-approved euthanasia law. Youll die on live TV!

I blink three times, and it hurts.


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Okay. I... uh dont know how to respond to that. But, dontworry, my riend. Ive brought tidings. Tidings that will helpus communicate. Ive been doing research and have beengiven a budget to speed up the process.

Research? Process? Speed up the process o what? Dying?How much more bad news do I have to listen to in a day?

The experts here say you have an advanced orm o Locked-In Syndrome, which is sort o like Lou Gehrigsdiseaseyou a baseball an? Oops. Sorry. Dont answer

that. So, like I was saying, youve got this irreversiblecondition that is characterized by... one moment. Let meread to you rom the textbook.

Irreversible. Ai-yi-yi. You know, whats really strange isthat just a short time ago, I was on my way to the GoldenGate Bridge to jump o o it. This pseudo-death is somuch worse than the real thing, I think Id rather not have

attempted the jump. Or gotten hit by the Governator, orthat matter.

Locked-In Syndrome was rst diagnosed in the mid-1960sand describes a state in which the patient has no controlover motor unctions with the exception o eye movement. These patients can be coherent and conscious whilemistaken or comatose. Sound amiliar yet?

I he asks me one more question I cant answer, Ill give hima death mans stare until my brain melts! What I wouldntgive to simply say get the uck out o here.

Let me scrub down a ew lines... also known ascerebromedullospinal disconnection, ...no cure... clinicaltrials... here we go. It says here that there are clinical trialso an invasive Brain Computer Inter ace that can restore

ull communication to patients! Oh, wait... the trials beginnext year. A ter your six month window. Hold on. Thats notwhat I was looking or anyway... just a second.


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Jesus. This guy is really getting on my nerves. Surely theremust be some device attached to me that shows Imgetting agitated. Something should be ashing red bynow! Nurse! Nurse! Get this guy outta here, will you!

Ah, yes. Here we go. This is what I was looking or. Thereare several options o communication available orpatients, depending on the severity and nature o theirunique situation. Among these are electromyographicdevices, which measure brain activity, and communicationso tware that uses the eye as a cursor. I think it meansmouse. The so tware uses your eye as the mouse.

Id rather burn in hell than use these eyes to look at amonitor. I dont know about any Locked In syndrome, butI sure know what Burning Eyes syndrome eels like.

From what I remember o our last meeting, even theblinking o your eyes causes you aggravation. In light

o your condition, I have taken the liberty to jump startthe whole process by assembling a cadre o medicalpro essionals hand-picked by Spicy, hersel , to help youinteract with the outside world. Among them, we haveplastic surgeons, cosmeticians, manicurists, pedicurists,and, most importantly, a reknowned neuroprostheticist,ready to plug you into our communication console.

Okay. Now I get it. Im dreaming. This is starting to getridiculous. What on Earth could this guy be talking aboutor wanting with me? I dont see the nickel. Communicationconsole? Does it let me select a soundtrack that doesntsound like doctor-guy?

Now, I dont want you to get too concerned about anyo this or, heaven orbid, worry about what we have instore or you. Im just trying to help you make an in ormeddecision. You obviously cant leave this hospital unless weprove that it is your choice.


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I elt his breath come closer to my ear.

Matter o act, once youre able to communicate, you can

tell me to get the hell out o here i thats your choice. Theskys the limit.

Finally, a crack in the veneer that almost sounds like goodnews. Should I blink? Will he understand? Or would thatonly encourage him? I not leave, can he at least back away

rom my ear!

Ill be back to see you this evening a ter you have beenenclosed in your new robotic Nanoman-controlled vehiclethat we have a ectionately named the Commander Pike.

Commander Pike? What the hell is he talking about?Nanoman-controlled? I thought I was Nanoman. I almostwant him to stay now so I can get closure to all o hismumbo jumbo.

The Commander Pike is a state o the art patient transportbuilt usingget this, the original wheelchair used in thepilot episode o Star Trek! Spicys working on the cross-marketing details as we speak. Now, I dont know whatkind o Star Trek an you areoriginal, next generation,or derivative, but no matter your color, my brother. Thiswheelchair is at the root o it all. This wheelchair is you.

Do I really have to tell this monkey how much I hate Star Trek, Star Wars, Stargate, Star signs, and anything withpointy edges? I have no idea what hes talking about, and Icannot imagine how he can entice me to do anything.

The next time you hear my voice, we may be able to havea conversation. Sleep well, riend.


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23 November 6.30 PM

Oh, my head. Im eeling woozy with a resh pain in myorehead. I can almost remember the sound o drilling.

Have I been lobotomized? Can lobotomy patients think?Hey! Whats that? A ash o colors? Hold on. Ive got to

ocus just so to see them. Okay, theres a vibrant red. Letme dilate my eyes ocus just a bit. Aha! Theres a limegreen! Lets see how many colors theyve given me. Red.Green. Thats it? I cant see any other colors!

Nanoman! Youre awake! Fantastic. Let me explainwhat has happened to you, and how youll be able tocommunicate with the outside world.

The bigger pain in my orehead has returned with a reshringing in my ears. I thought doctor-guy was going toleave me alone or a while.

Like I said earlier, you have an advanced case o Locked InSyndrome. While many, i not most, su erers have a degreeo control over their ocular muscles, the ones that controleye movements, your eyes have also been damaged. This means that many o the communication options,such as using your eyes to control a computer mouse, areunavailable.

You mean I cant stare into a monitor? Hey, I dont mindwhen its my choice not to, but now youre telling me Icant?

What we have managed to do is plug you intoCommander Pike and attach electrodes to yourmal unctioning eyeballs. The electrodes, and hal o your golden cheek, are hidden rom view by a sunglasshelmet. Now, Nanoman, as I promised, you will be able tocommunicate with the outside world. Red means yes, andGreen means no.


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What the hell? You have got to be kidding. First he givesme a simple color-based method o replying, and then heinverses my expectations? Red means stop, you idiot! Thatmeans NO! Green means yes, Red means no!

I you remember Commander Pikes wheelchair, youllremember the single light in the ront o the chair. The onethat Commander Pike controlled by blinking once or yesand twice or no. We have removed the 1960s wiring andinstalled a unctioning electromyograph that is connectedto you through the cables attached to your eyeballelectrodes. When you see red, we will see one blink, or yes.When you see green, we will see two blinks. Meaning no.

This is so outrageous. What kind o doctor is this? Let mesee i I can alternate a ew times between the di erentcolors. First, Ill try red. There. Then green. Just a second. There. Okay, red again. Green again. Red. Green. I canswitch pretty easily between colors without the painthat light once gave me. How strange to think that Imre ecting on a past that is only now recent. Why dont Icompare this new power o sight to the one I had a yearago. Or six months. Or six weeks. Shit! Shit! Shit! Ive gotto stop that downward spiral o thinking. Once you go tocrying town, its hard to leave.

Very good, Nanoman! Your wheelchair is blinking likecrazy. Let us test your ability to communicate. Red meansyes, and Green means no. Choose the color that lets meknow i you understand me.

No. I dont. Hey, wait. I saw red when he asked me thequestion.

Excellent. That is all I needed to see. Ill etch thehead o neurology, so that he can witness yourpower o communication and adhere to your wishes.Congratulations, Nanoman! Congratulations!


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24 November 2.45 AM

Here he is, doctor.

Oh, my God! Just like you said, wheelchair and all. Are youready to leave, young ella?

What? No! No! No! Wait! Im seeing red again.

Ive never seen a aster yes in all my li e. I hope he doesntchange his mind once he leaves.

There. Green. A ter a moment, you can get there, but itsnot easy. Okay. What are they talking about?

No, doctor. I dont think he will. Are we ree to go now?

Well, technically, the patient should answer a ewquestions and sign a release orm. Under thesecircumstances, a ew simple yes-no questions shouldsu ce.

Certainly.First, is your name Nanoman, and is it your desire to leavethe hospital?

No! Im not reaking Nanoman! My name is JohnnieLappdog! Johnnie Lappdog! I dont want to go anywherewith this wacko. Oh no. Im seeing red again.

You know what. Why dont you and your riend just runalong? My shi t ends at three, and it looks like the two o you are anxious or a new beginning. Best o luck to botho you.

Thank you, doctor. For your troubles.

Is that the sound o wadded-up currency? Did my doctor-guy pay o some other doctor-guy to get me out o here?Is this not somewhat irregular?


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CANDY

in the Dimension we choose to call Real

1 December 12.30 PM

Candy?

Johnnie! Johnnie Lappdog! Youre home! Youre home!

The scent o patchouli and lavender cascades rom hermulti-colored locks. Pulling me close against her rm,substantive bosom, I count a hal dozen piercings in herle t ear and eel several more against my ace. Im home?

Candy, you look.... great!

So do you, Johnnie. So do you. Are those or me?

Yes! Yes! Sorry. Almost orgot. A reshly potted bunch o

your avorite owers. Youre still partial to violets, arentyou?

Johnny Jump Ups! Oh Johnnie! You remembered!

How could I orget? You saw them everywhere once youknew they shared my name.

I still do, honey. I still do. Howd you nd me?

Your My Space page is ambitious. And youre quite activeon Facebook.


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Yeah, but my address isnt listed. Did you y here?

Your address cost me another ten bucks. I moved out here

a ter college.Yeah. Me, too. I couldnt wait to leave. A ter that night, myli e got really shitty.

How so?

Well, my mom and dad split up and argued over who wasgoing to take me.

You mean get you. Who was going to get you.It wasnt that kind o argument. So, my dad lost, and thetwo o us moved way upstate.

Jersey?

No, New York. My dad orced me to take the GED andenroll in junior college. He wanted me to bring home

riends or him to meet. Not mothers o riends, butcollege-aged teenage riends!

Asshole.

But how about you? What happened to you a ter the copstook you away?

Thatll take some telling. You old enough or a beer?

Thats not unny.

1 December 7.00 PM

So, thats pretty much it. How about you?

You were married three times?

Why didnt you interrupt me i bothered you so much?

It looked like you were enjoying yoursel .

I was. But only because I thought you cared.


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Oh, please.

Oh, please what?

You never wanted to marry me. You marry every other girlwho returns your stare, but meyou get me sent upstateand orget about me! Didnt that ceremony mean anythingto you?

O course! O course it did! I think the other marriageswere misguided attempts to replace what I lost to you thatnight.

You mean...

Yes. I was a virgin.

And now? I suppose youve had dozens o lovers i youvebeen married our times.

Three times.

What!Ours didnt... I mean, I have only been with three otherwomen.

Youve got to be kidding.

Nope. Dont you remember how I wouldnt put out until Ihad a ring on my nger.

Sarcasm doesnt become you. According to your measure,Ive never been married. But I have been with ten times asmany lovers as you.

Ten times!

Yes, but dont worry. They werent all men.

I never should have ipped o your dad that day we le t.

You ipped him o !He was an asshole.


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Yeah, but you ipped him o ! You know what hes like. Nowonder those cops showed up.

Yeah, no wonder. Blame me or your dad being a psycho.Johnnie, I love you, but youve got to calm yoursel down. Therell be no more ipping o parents next time wemarry.

Next time?

Is that a proposal?

No, that was a question.Then, I accept.

The question?

Yes, the question, Jeopardy-man. What is the question?

Will you marry me?

Oh, Johnnie! Yes! Yes! I will, I will!

This time, one o her spiky piercings pokes into my le tcheek and almost takes out my eye. What am I doing?

Candy, now you calm down. Whats this all about?

Whats it all about? Love is orever. Real love. I neverstopped loving you.

I she werent so beauti ul beneath her make up andpiercings, I would have already le t. How the hell do Irespond? Ive been on automatic pilot or too long to think.

And you, Johnnie? Are you still in love?

Christ, those eyes. The darkest brown jewels nestled inthe center o celadon green ogle holes. Can anyone resistthem?

O course. Doesnt it show? Why do you think Im here?

Are you messing with me? Im serious.


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Automatic pilot can really drive a conversation, and I caneel it happening. Not an intention to communicate, just

to be sel -righteous and search or the high moral ground.I cant even think right now, but I have to engage. I dontwant to lose her again.

And so am I, Candy. So am I.

Oh, shit! Look at the time. Ive got to get to work. Are youdriving?

Believe it or not.

I bartend in North Beach.

I saw pictures on your web page.

I was supposed to be there at seven. Well call rom theroad. Got a cell?

Yes, Candy.

Some phrases have a unny way o swilling aroundyour mouth like a vulgar vinegar disguised as wine. Themore you say them, the quicker the taste matures into abodacious bouquet o point-ripened, heady grapes, ree

rom imper ection. You nd yoursel saying yes, Candy inyour sleep and waking up renewed. I could never say noto Candy.

2 December 1.45 AM

And thats how your name and likeness ended uptattooed across both my asscheeks.

Tattooed Johnnie cracked down the middle. Just like inreal li e.

For years, I thought that I was a complete idiot or etchingmemories o our three golden months so permanently intomy skin.


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Three months? We went out or over a year!

Yeah, but only three o the months quali ed. The month

you got your car, the month we went to the Poconos, andthe month we got married.

You mean the shoulder tat is a map o the Poconos? Ithought you said map o the Pokemon. I couldnt get there erence.

Dude, Im not that crazy. Just crazy in love. And now Ieel vindicated. As though all my ink and su ering were

worthwhile.Me, too.

Youve got ink?

I meant your ink and su ering. Your ink and su ering wereworthwhile.

And not in vain?

And not in vain.

Oh, Johnnie, Johnnie! Lets just do it.

Here? This place stinks o spilt beer and cleaning uidwith a prominent background o urine and vomit!

I mean get married. I you really meant hal o what yousaid, we would be ools to lose this chance again.

You know what. Youre right. I do love you, and I am inlove with you.

Me, too. Still.

Well need to wait until my divorce rom Alice is nalized. The papers should arrive any day.

Weve waited this long.

Yes. We have waited this long. But our waiting is over,Candy.


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Its so over, baby. Its so over. Ive never loved anyonethe way I love you. This time, our honeymoon wont beinterrupted! I wish we were in that same hotel room nakedright now!

I eel the same way. Until then, I guess its FWB?

FWB?

Friends with bene ts. Well be sleeping together in themeantime. Right? For old times sake?

That ring on your nger aint mine.

Ill take it o .

Lets wait.

[Sigh] Yes, Candy.


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WHATS UP, CHUCK?


19 December 10.30 AM

Hmm. Whats that aroma? Sandalwood? And the smell o the sea! Oh, my God. I had no idea I could still smell. Thehospital was so sterile, so sanitary that I thought I had lostmy sense o smell. I heard orderlies come and go, connectand disconnect devices that seemed to be attached to me,but I have been scentless.

Where could I be? The air is so warm tasting. Cant be SanFrancisco. I wonder i I can still see colors? Ah, red. And, ohyes. Green. Like old amiliar riends. Red. Green. Red. Green.

Nanoman! Youre awake!

Oh, no. That voice.

We were so worried about you. You havent stirred in aweek. Can you see red or me?

I see red.

And green?

I see green.

Excellent. Ill be right back. Ive got some olks who aredying to meet you.


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To meet me? Or to meat me? Are they representatives o asausage actory? Or shamans rom Peru? I was so at peacewith my thoughts just now, I was beginning to appreciatesilence and solitude.

22 December 7.00 PM

Sh! Quiet! It looks like hes sleeping. Everyone, crowdaround the back o Commander Pike or the shot.

Doctor Dieright. Where should Chuck and Inertia be?

On the small chairs in ront.

Hold on. I think I should be standing behind the Pike. Im atall ella, and people expect to see me standing.

And Vanna? I mean, Inertia?

Hey! I dont care i you do know Spicy. I you call me Vannaagain, youll be in the Pike! Asshole.

Sorry. Inertia.

Thats Ms. Ryzing to you, doughboy.

But everyone calls you Inertia.

No. Only my riends do. Ill stand opposite Chuck behindNanoman.

How strange. Just the thought o someone addressingme as Nanoman instead o the Pike in ates what I oncecalled sel -esteem. Its unny how many things we take

or granted until theyre gone. Like smell. Or sel -esteem. The ol actory is said to be the strongest o the senses,imprinting the deepest o memories. I can almost hear thewaves and eel the sea breeze blowing through my hair bythe meagrest scent o seaside ora. To know that I can nolonger partake o the oceans bounty would orce a tear i my eyes hadnt lost their power to emote.


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Hey guys! Hes de nitely awake. Look at the monitors.

Nanoman! Welcome. Can you show the people in the

room that you hear me by giving me a red.I see red. Boy, do I see red.

Excellent. Now

Doctor Dieright, hold on.

Call me Alex.

Alex, i you dont mind.

Not at all, Chuck.

Call me Mister Woolery.

But the shows called.

I said

Yes, sir. Mister Woolery.

I like this guy. Chuck Woolery. What a name. Makes me eelwarm by its sound alone.

Nanoman, my names Chuck. Chuck Woolery. Im thehost o a new reality television show named, in semi-epinomous ashion, Whats Up, Chuck?. Now, dont get mestarted about their name choice. Ive already made themwell aware o my eelings on the matter.

Thats weird. I think I know this guys voice. From a gameshow or something. Whats Up, Chuck? Puke, you idiot!Upchuck is puke!

But i you saw the number and size o the digits on theircontract, Id have gone y- shing nude and destroyed mycareer or a tenth the price!

Hm. A game show host with conviction. I like that.


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The show goes on in less than an hour, which doesnt giveus much time to bond. The gist is this: you have less thansix months to live. You are in a unique position as an organdonor to donate anatomy on live television or needyrecipients around the world.

Around the world? Needy recipients? Organ donor! Notthat again. I thought that was one more o the bad dreamsIve been having these days.

Each week, sixteen contestants engage in a series o

physical, mental and gastrointestinal challenges. Theycompete on behal o agencies and individuals or youranatomical gi ts. Think CSI meets Who wants to be aMillionaire.

Blood and guts. They want my blood and guts! I wonderi theyll do close up animations the way they do in those

orensic shows. Why are people so ascinated by cadavers

and things that make you wretch?Every week, well be traveling together in an army-surplusB52 to countries on all the known continents, exceptAntarctica, and raise awareness while saving lives. Whilesaving lives. Wow! I love this show.

Red. Green. Red. Green.

Okay, okay. where was I? The items youll be donating willbe o increasing anatomical signi cance. This week its justa simple blood donation, which was done this a ternoonwhile you were unconscious. In uture shows, the trans erprocess will be broadcast live while the surgery is takingplace. Its best i youre awake and responsive during theshows opening credits so we can prep you or that weekssurgery.


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Oh, man. I eel like Im going to puke. Is it possible?Between Doctor Freaking Dieright and Game Show Guy, Iswear I eel something swelling. Can it be!

Hey! I thought you said this guy had no muscle control!Whats with the puking!

What! Nanoman puked!

He cant! Hes under contract.

Clean him up! Clean him up! Watch out or the circuitryon Commander Pike. Some o the interior wires may beexposed.

Great! Can you unplug him until weve cleaned him.

Uh, the chairs not built to be unplugged. Work around it.Work around it.

Wow, Nanoman! I know exactly how you eel. I was sayingto Inertia, my assistant, earlier how much I cannot standthe sight o blood. I mean, animals are one thing. Buthuman blood! Im no vampire, thats or sure.

His voice and imagery manage to soothe even in amoment like this. I can honestly say that Im starting to eelbetter. Almost good. Just hearing his voice and not thatabominable doctor. Keep up the talking, Chuck, and I think Ill be able to handle this horrible unknown. Whatever youdo, please, dont stop. Maybe they could bring a bed inhere, so that you could sleep in the same room, telling mebedtime stories every night.

Sometimes, when I read a novel thats too descriptive, Ihave to leave the room I read it in. It makes me eel, I dontknow. Soiled.

I see green. Oh, wait. That means no.


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No? Thats strange. He must not like my voice. Ive nevermet anyone who disliked my voice. Doctor DierightImean Alex.

Yes, Mister Woolery.

Alex, can we keep Nanoman rom hearing whats going onuntil necessary?

I thought youd never ask.

Hey! I eel someone poking around my ears! I dontremember eeling them being poked be ore. Now, I canthear anything. Its unny how much you take or granteduntil its gone.

22 December 8.50 PM

Nanoman, can you hear me?

I see red.

Its me, Doctor Dieright.

He must think his voice leaves no stain. I know damnedwell who it is! What happened to the chap with thebeauti ul pipes?

Mister Woolery is under the impression youre not ond o his speaking tone, so hes asked me to communicate withyou while we draw a blood sample.Hes got to be kidding! I I could scream every time I heardthis guy near me, believe me, I would.

The cameras will be on us soon, so all you need to do issee red when I ask you i youre ready. Can you see red orme?

I see red.


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Great! Okay, now get ready. In two minutes, itll be the realthing.

The real thing, ay? Its about time. Ill show him real! Thistime, no matter how upset I am, I will orce mysel to seegreen. Red means yes, green means no. What a jerk!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment weve allbeen waiting or. Weve narrowed down our contestants tothese two nalists.

Its the voice!

Kumar and Julie will go head to head in the nal round o Whats Up, Chuck!

The sound o applause is almost dea ening. Whathappened to my earplugs?

Kumar, the choice is yours.

Chuck, I think Ill choose challenge number two.

Number two it is. Kumar, you and Julie will be submergedin our studios transparent ceramic glass swimming pool. The studio audience will select a Beatles song, whichwill be piped into underwater speakers. The rst one toidenti y the song by emerging and yelling its name wins.I you come up without naming the song or giving thewrong name, your opponent wins.

This is a game? Sounds like geriatric water sports. Anyonecan name Beatles songs. The chorus is the title. What aboutRadiohead? Or Gomez? Or even Led Zeppelin? Nobodyknows the titles o their songs.

On the count o three, the plat orm beneath your eet willdrop and the challenge will begin. But rst, a commercialword rom tonights sponsors.

Cut! Sixty seconds, people.


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CITYHALLBLUES

in the Dimension we get to call Real

22 December 12.30 PM

Oh, Johnnie. Im so proud o you or going through withthis.

Yes, Candy.

Especially when they made you pay all those old parkingtickets be ore theyd sell you another marriage license.

Yes, Candy.

And the act that the o ces were all over town and yourcar broke down on the way.

Yes, Candy.

And had to be towed.

Look, Candy. I know youre trying to cheer me up, but Imne. I love you and I love this building. The spacious dome

and artistically ornate interior. It was built a ter the 1906earthquake took out the old one.

You dont say.

Yes, and look here. This guy with a beard. Any idea whothis is?


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Oh, Johnnie. Whats wrong? We dont have to do this, youknow.

Okay. Take a deep breath, Johnnie. Dont even go there.You know youre one cubic nanometer o pressureaway rom exploding like an atom bomb. Dont have togo through with this! This day has already cost me tenthousand bucks! I have to go through with this as a mattero principle!

No, no. Candy. This day means more to me than you will

ever know. Lets just get this over with and get a hotelroom.

A hotel room? What happened to honeymoon? Thatssupposed to be at least a week or two somewhereromantic.

San Franciscos romantic. We could go to my place.

Our place.

Yes, but youre not on the lease yet.

Do you always have to be right?

No. But I do want conjugal rights.

Conjugal rights?

Yeah, like FWB with a ring. You remember. Cost ve grand

in San Mateo.Oh. Conjugal rights. Good one. So, where we gonna go,Johnnie? For our honeymoon? Atlantic City again?

Yeah, right. Atlantic City. Where it all began. Be ore thealimony, be ore the governator and book rejections. Be oreI ound out she was underage the hard way.

No, I think we should try somewhere new. How aboutMexico?


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Next, please.

Johnnie, thats us. The old couple in ront o us just

renewed their wedding vows. Did you hear all that? They just celebrated their diamond wedding anniversary. Thatssixty years, they said! Do you think well have a diamondwedding anniversary?

Oh, its you two again. Well, Mister and the-soon-to-be-next-Misses Johnnie Lappdog, have you gotten all yourpaperwork in order this time?

Yes, sir. Its all here. Everything is lled out except or theline that says to sign in the presence o City O cial. I guessthat would be you.

You guess well. Will the two o you ollow me.

Johnnie! Johnnie! Are you all right! Johnnie!

22 December 6.30 PMHes opening his eyes. Doctor, Mister Lappdog hasregained consciousness.

Mister Lappdog. Are you all right? Do you know whereyou are? Whats the last thing you remember?

Slow down! Slow down. Where am I? Howd I get here?

You passed out at City Hall this a ternoon. You and yournew wi e were signing the marriage certi cate when youcollapsed onto the oor.

I remember being at City Hall. It had already been a verylong day, and we didnt even have lunch.

Yes, and your car broke down and was towed. Wevealready heard all this. Have you recently given blood?

Come again?


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Blood. Have you recently given blood?

Thats what I thought you said. Absolutely not. I hate

needles and all things with pointy edges.According to our indicators, your blood volume appearsto be a pint below normal. I you dont mind, wed like tokeep you overnight or some testing.

Oh, I dont know, doctor. This wasnt the kind o hotel Iwas looking or tonight.

We were prepared or this. Your drivers license is encodedwith special instructions to noti y the Governor i anythinghappens to you. We alerted him immediately, and hesuggested we ready our conjugal patient quarters in thepenthouse suite or your arrival.

Conjugal? Penthouse?

The hospital sta will be coming shortly with the

necessary papers, and then well be headed or theelevator.

Just like the Je ersons.

Yes. Just like the Je ersons.

Wheres Candy?

She had to go outside to smoke. Weve had to kick her out

o your room twice already.Women.

Yes. Women.

Does that TV have a remote?

Its on the table to your le t. One side is or the television,the other is or positioning the bed and contactinghospital sta . I you need anything else, just press the redbutton. Your wi e will be up shortly.


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22 December 8.00 PM

And now, live rom the Emerald Island o Kauai, pleasewelcome the host o tonights show, Chuck Woolery!Aloha, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the worldpremiere o Whats Up Chuck! Join me in a round o applause or our shows cohost, Inertia Ryzing. Each week,well be broadcasting rom locations around the globe.

Johnnie! What happened! Are you all right?

Whereve you been? Dont you know I could have died?Oh, you and your drama. Me, me, me. Did you stop tothink how I elt? For the second time at the alter? Who doyou think scores higher on the traumometer?

The what?

The thing that measures trauma.

Such a thing doesnt exist.Is this your way o apologizing?

Yes, Candy.

Good. I picked us up two cartons o cigarettes or ourhoneymoon.

I dont imagine youve heard o duty- ree?

Do what now?

Never mind. Whatd you get me?

Marlboro Menthol Ultra Lights. They were out o the Redbox.

Menthol. Okay.

You need to sign these orms rom the hospital.Hey! Thats our marriage certi cate.


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No, thats your passport to paradise. Remember this?

Candy! Who do you think you are? Sharon Stone? Close

your legs!You dont like? Not even when I do this?

Theyll be moving us upstairs any minute. Please wait.

Not until you sign this. And then these.

Yes, Candy. Lets get out o here. The remote hasntworked since the doctor turned on the set, and this show

is disgusting.Its on Fox?

You sound surprised.

Whats it called? A How-to Course on How to Make Moneyo Garbage?

Almost. Its Whats Up, Chuck.

What!

Yep. I read about this last week. The San Francisco Weeklyarticle alleged that Fox did testing on live monkeys toemulate the response o a typical Fox viewer.

Really?

I shit you not. Overwhelmingly, the intelligent primateschose the phonic phrase over all competitors.Such as?

Blood and Guts around the World. You Cant Take it withYou. Cant remember the others.

Doesnt sound like much o a competition.

How so?


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The apes wanted the bananas. Whats Up Chuck is threesyllables. The others took twice as long or the chimps toget the ruit. It looks like the researchers need to betterunderstand the motivations o the average Fox viewer.

You know, Candy. I think you might be on to something.


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63

GIVEUNTILIT HURTS


25 December 9.00 AM

Merry Christmas, Nano!

Christmas? Has it been that long already? I eel like I havea bit more sensation than I did when I rst awoke rom the

accident. But still, nothing moves.I hope you appreciate my visiting you on this mostauspicious o days on the Christian calendar. You are aChristian, arent you?

I see red.

Good. Me, too.

This guy. Does he have to stu his ravenous ace closeenough or me to eel his mastication spray. Close enoughto smell Doctor Dierights unclean, alcohol-saturatedbreath.

The reason Im here on Christmas Day is to go over theprocedures that youll be undergoing over the next threemonths. The last three months o your li e.


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The last three months. Ah, well. Not much going on herethese days, anyhow. I was ready to leave months ago, asI remember it. At least Ive gotten out o seeing Regretta.She doesnt even know where I am! And Ginger. Ive almost

orgotten about her. I hope shes all right.

Next week, our contestants will be competing or yourbone marrow. Actually, theyre a ter your peripheral bloodstem cells. Do you know what blood stem cells are?

I see red. Oh, no. Not this again. Why cant I ever see green

at the right moment?Good. I wont bore you with details. The procedures thesedays are much less pain ul and invasive. Were not going totake this rom your hip or any bone directly.

Okay. Im with you so ar. This is positive. I think.

The way it works these days is youll receive a series o shots to mobilize stem cells into your blood stream. Oncethats done, we hook the Pike up to a state-o -the-art cellseparator machine or about hal a day.

Id love to stu this guy into the Pike or hal a day! Doesnthave anyone to spend Christmas with, so he has to ruinmine. Great.

At the end o the process, your blood and plasma will

have trans erred back into your body, minus the extra stemcells that were provoked into creation by the shots. Cellsyou wouldnt have had otherwise.

Ho! Ho! Ho! So, now Im Santa Claus.

Personally, Nano, I suggested we just take it rom yourpelvis. It takes less time and preparation, plus you donthave much eeling le t anyway, do you?

I see red. What does he mean by eeling? Physical?Emotional? Sel -awareness?


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The week a ter the peripheral stem cell donation, youll berecuperating in an alpine lodge, surrounded by redwoods. The rest o us will be enjoying the beach and survivingchallenges on the Yucatan. My challenge will be toremember the sun lotion.

Heaven. For a moment, I thought I had no eelings. Butto breathe the mountain air and taste its crispness in thepockets o my ace that still have sensation is a treasurebeyond words to describe. Especially with Doctor Dieright

ar away.

The ollowing week, were on our way to our nextdestination. Well be landing in Mumbai and traveling in aPike-enabled railroad carriage overland to Bangalore.

Pike-enabled? Railroad carriage? Why wont he stopspitting on me?

Once were there, the same team that worked to trim the

eight-limbed girl into a our-limber, will lighten you o anumber o organs in individual procedures.

Uh-oh. From Heaven to Hell. A number o organs? Zero is anumber!

During the rst two weeks, the team will becomeacquainted with your bodys ecosystem. They will beper orming a number o tests, taking blood and tissuesamples, and generally preparing you or the adventuresahead. O all the procedures you will undergo, thismapmaking process will likely cause you the mostdiscom ort.

This bastard sounds good-humored! I I didnt know better,Id say that he was a hal hairbreadth away rom laughing. The most discom ort indeed!


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Then, you get a week o be ore the real action begins. Ithink theyll be sending you to a desert somewhere. Thedry air is supposed to be good or organ prep. At weeksend, its back to Bangalore or surgery.

Why not just shoot me now and be done with it? Notenough doctors? Or reezer space?

First on the menu will be the liver. O all the organs in thehuman body, the liver alone has the ability to regenerate. The doctors elt that i they took a lobe o liver rst, it may

have a chance to ully regenerate by our nal episode. Inthree months.

I get it! I get it already! Three months to live. O all thewords a person hears, you think these would be orgotten?On cue, no less.

They havent yet decided which lobe to lob o . The le tlobe can be used or a person the same size or smaller,

while the right is or larger recipients. I was rooting to giveup the right one, because I gured you didnt have muchuse or either. Last I heard, the le t lobe was in the lead.Investors elt it might hasten your demise i they got toogreedy.

Thank goodness or the sanity in the capitalist system!Suckle o your cash cow be ore taking it to the

slaughterhouse. I was hoping theyd leave me my rightlobe, i or no other reason than Doctor Dieright wanted itout.

Next in line will be a nephrectomy, which will be donebe ore you leave Bangalore, but will not be broadcast orseveral weeks. A nephrectomy is the technical term orkidney removal. You have two, we take one.

Sounds like the taxman. Or is he next in line or a slice?


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This is a relatively straight orward textbook procedure.Hard to screw up, i you know what I mean. Well startcutting you two hours be ore show time, so that the mostimportant moments will all be lmed live. The cutting o skin and so orth will be video-taped during the prepping.

Charming. From orensics crime drama to reality televisiongame show. Only on Fox.

As much as possible throughout our procedures, theteams will be using laparoscopic surgical methods:

minimal incisions with video cameras to guide precisioninstruments. It makes or much better cinematographyand ratings.

Laparoscopic video cameras traveling through my body,broadcast live at prime time around the world. Nanoman!Soon to be the most amous man to ever sit in a Pike.

Once your kidney collection has been whittled down,

youll have two weeks to recuperate be ore we move on toyour lungs.

Two weeks? Im sure Ill be in robust health a ter such alengthy convalescence.

Again, we have the le t lung, right lung divide. Your le tlung has two nodes, your right lung has three. There aresome here, mysel included, that said, take them all. Whynot? The machine does his breathing or him, anyway. Thelungs. They do nothing.

Really? I wonder i hes trying to make me eel bad, makeme eel good, or is completely ignorant that the blinkingPike be ore him is capable o eelings. I wish I could vomitagain.


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A ter that, youll spend two weeks resting aboard a yachtthat will bring you across the Paci c to the San FranciscoBay. There, your arrival will coincide with the rst daysenactment o Cali ornias voter-approved euthanasia law.

Euthanasia? I thought Euthanasia was a band name. LikeEvanescence. Or Sonic Youth. Whats a euthanasia law?

Euthanasia, rom the Greek, means Good Death.

From the Greek. He must have known my wi e. Euthanasia.

Some call it medically-assisted suicide. Others call itmercy killing. Others will soon call it their expertise, yourstruly being one o the rst. And on that day, you will be my

rst patient.

Patient? Or victim! Christ, I do not want to die now. No way,no how! I can think, and I am alive! Get me out o here.Red! Green! Red! Green!

I can only imagine what youre thinking. The way thelaw reads, it doesnt matter what your eelings are. Whatmatters are the eelings o the olks picking up your tab.Assuming you arent rich. Were you once rich? Be ore youbecame Nanoman?

Red! Green!

Very well. You want to be impudent while I waste myChristmas coming down here to cheer you up. Fine. Ill just nish what I came to say, and then Im gone. On that

rst day o March, we will be broadcasting live to over abillion households around the globe. You will literally bechopped up like a Chinese Stir Fry and served up to dozenso recipients around the globe who will be own in or theoccasion.

I vomit. I cant believe it. Thats twice! I can puke! I canpuke! I cant make a rown yet or orm an expression, but Iknow I meant to puke. I know I did!


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Nurse! Nurse! Get in here, right away! Clean this thing up,will you. Merry Fucking Christmas, cripple!

Oh, you have no idea, Doctor Dieright. You have no idea.


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DOPPELGANGER

in the Dimension we Naively call Real

25 December 9.00 AM

Merry Christmas, Johnnie!

Merry Christmas, Candy. What time is it?

Time or you to get up! Come on! Wake up!

All right already! Whats the hurry? Christmas isnt goinganywhere.

Oh, Johnnie. Dont be such a Scrooge.

Scrooge! Do you have any idea how much money Ivespent to make youI mean ushappy.

Johnnie!

I eel like theres a black hole in my wallet sucking mymoney into the ether.

So now Im a black hole. No wonder you have so manyexxes.

I didnt saywhat I meant was...

No, no, no. Black hole. We all heard it. Merry uckingChristmas! Scrooge.


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Jesus! Does she have to slam the door so hard. Its unnyhow I only now hear the Mariachis and remember thatwere in Puerto Vallarta. Not South o the Rio Cuale,mind you, where all the locals know how to sleep in onChristmas morning. No, were at the northern strip withFive Star Dining and No Star Timing. Mariachi or break ast.What are they thinking!

25 December 1.30 PM

There you are! Ive been waiting or hours! Whereve youbeen?

Uh-oh. Scrooges records still stuck in the same groove. Imust be early.

Candy, or ucks sake! Whats come over you?

Over me? I woke up on the right side o the bed, mister.

Im not the one with the problem.Youre absolutely right, Candy.

I am?

Yes. Ive had hours to stew over what an inconsideratebastard Ive been.

You have?

Yes. I must have been blind drunk out o my mind stupid. Tequila talking through my ventriloquist mouth.

Do you want to see what I bought while you were herepouting?

Pouting! I mean, o course. What did you get us?

Us? First you call me a black hole, and then you want me

to think o you while Im out shopping? Really!It is Christmas, a ter all.


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Yeah, when it suits you.

So, what did you get yoursel or Christmas?

Im not even going to digni y that with a reply.No, please. Im curious.

Just a little something rom a hotel boutique.

Little something! Hotel boutique!

Johnnie, lets just drop it and open the presents we goteach other. You havent opened any, have you?

Should I let her know that Ive opened and resealed everyone? And that I began two minutes a ter she le t?

O course not! Some people do have sel control, youknow.

I miss the old Johnnie. The less sarcastic one. Maybesomething happened in that accident.

The only thing that happened to me is this scar in myright cheek. I you want to say Ive become ch

cheeky final review re size

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