8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

1/10

r, and then theGGL falledH-64 brings youYOUR magizine.This issue is devotedto the stories that you havetold us in your own way.

There is no doubt thatthe job of a Schlumbergerengineer is a tough one.But despite all the skill,preparation and sheer effortthat goes into the workthings have a nasty habit ofunravelling at the worstpossible moment.This publication isdedicated to the heroic andsometimes hilarious effortsthat engineers have to maketo get thejob done (or not).It is a tribute to their pro-fessionalism and sense ofhumour.War stories 'R usAll of these stories weresent to AH-64's web-site by

wireline engineers past andpresent.AH-54 website:editori-a1 :

I did think that I wouldnever publish another AH-64 but the quality of thesubmissions was so high Ithought that they deserveda wider audience. Those ofFrom a district managers start-of-year pep e-mail to all staff:>>>199"7 ==> Lets make it successfukl, FROM THE BEGINNING I I I

CONIENTSExplosive revelations .,.... ..... ...2A definition of a fiasco with worked examples .........3From a small acorn mighty disasters grow .............4Witnesses, who needs them? ..........sIndian rope tricks with wireline cables ............6One problbm fixed, one not and no problem at all..ZThe Provider describes from personal experiencean obscure sect that may seem strangely familiar....8http : / /www. caliach . com/ Lu.a+ / index. htmlAH64@paulross . demon. co. uk

you smugly thinking "well Ihave a better one than that"well don'tjust sit there, mailme. My sources are sacro-sanct.The editor, Jan. 1997

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

2/10

Getting in to trouble withexplosives...Lets just hope customs don'twant to use their hair dryer.I n Engineer in the11 ef,ittipines badly needed aroll of primacord at thelocation, but knew that itwould take ages to get there.He took a complete roll ofprimacord and attached afemale and male 110 volt plugon each end.When quizzed at customs hereplied, "Oh that, It's anextension cord of course"

Is that a supergun in yourpocket or are youjustpleased to see me?f ust before a ma.jorJ production campaign inIraq it was discovered thatthere were no pressure tightdetonators. One engineer hadto take the sales managers carto Kuwait for a service and aquick phone call revealed thatthe Kuwait base was wellstocked. All that needed to bedone was to get them into Iraq.He hid about 25 detonatorsin his boots, pockets andjacket he prepared for the driveback. He also took the FSM'swife and baby daughter alonglor cover, after all everysmuggler needs a moll.The sun reached its zenith asthey approached the Iraqiborder and the temperature hit125 DegF (52 DegC). As usualthe lraqi customs officerswanted to take the car apartand the engineer had to standoutside in the sweltering heatwlth his leather jacket tightlywrapped around hjm.The customs officer becamemore and more suspicious"Why don't you take that offl2"he enquired. "Er well I don'twant to get it dirty and er Isuppose that you won't belong." The customs officerreturned to the car but startedgiving more and moresuspicious glances at theengineer. Just when things

started to look dodgy the babystarted crying from the heat,right on cue. The customsofficer dithered for a momentthen waved them to the car.The engineer dumped thedetonators on the FSM's deskin Basrah but the Army neverqueried where they came from,after all production is allGo straight to jail, do notpass GO.f rew on the Ninian Southlr.-z was running scallop gunslate on Christmas Eve.Helicopter coming in fivehours. Can you guys make it?Haste makes for problemsand a misrun ensued...Quickly POOH, fix the head,rearm the gun, put the old detoin the old shirt pocket (fullymeaning to store it awaycorrectly later), run back in thehole, shoot, get out of the hole,rig down rig down Throwpersonal stuff in the offshorebag and run like hell and jumpon the chopper back toSumburgh and whewl Made itCustoms man at Sumburghmeeting arrivals... "And what'sthat you have in your shirtpocket, sir?" Ooops...Who needs a key when youhave a Birminghamspanner?f hevron, Ocean Kokuei,lr.-z North Sea. Special 2amchopper to the rig for a backoff.Feeling worse for wear havingbeen calleil from a party. Arriveat the rig but can't get theexplosive store open. Finallyget all but one of the four locksopen and manage to twist thekey off in the last one.On my (pissed) advice rigsuperintendent agrees to cutthe lock off with an acetylenetorch. All other explosivesremoved from the main bunkersection so only detos and CSTigniters left in the broken locksection. Welder says he

r fi-64 websiLe: http: f f www.caliach.com/eue +/index.htmleditorial : AH64@paulross . demon. co. uk

reckons its safe as long as ifI'm going to stand there. Thewelder cuts the lock, I swingthe door open and grab thedeto container.Leave for town the nextmorning. Tell the dispatcherthe explosive store is coming inand it'll need to be repaired.Meanwhile, the Department ofEnergy inspector has visitedthe rig and is not a happy manwhen he sees an explosivestore with a nice torch markright through the door...Worse to come as theexplosive store goes back to themanufacturer. Trouble is,nobody's cleared it out or sentalong the keys. So they cut theother locks open with a torchand are really upset when theysee what's still inside it...Never leave home withoutthem./- oing on vacation lromU Llnya via lreland. Thereare the usual couple of steelyeyed Special Branch officerswatching passengers fromBelfast. They pulled me over."Why were you in Belfast""Oh, just visiting my sister."He grunted. "Do you haveany identification?"I handed over my passportand my heart sunk as this wasthe time of Colonel Quadaffibeing so generous to the IRA.The officer flipped it open andstiffened as he saw the Libyanstamps, pages of them."Mind if I look in the tool boxsir." he said. I opened it up. Hepicked out an odd tool."What is this then?"My mouth ran dry. "Er... its atool for crimping detonatorsonto detonating cord." I gulped.After a not unreasonabletime in one of their back officesthey realised that I was not themad bomber they were after. Itwas the FOMs that did thetrick, after all even the IRA arer,ot crazy enough to carry theirmanuals with them.I think this was one of thelew times that FOMs came inhandy. Apart from proppingLhe door open Lhat is.

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

3/10

fiasco /fi'resko/ n. (pl,or humilitatiing failure. fiascos) IudicrousTake the Job onestep at a timeExcept failures, they cometrulk issue./\ District Engineer writes11 from Russia:The engineer ran in with RFTand HPAA. No seal after severalattempts. Pulled back up intocasing, still no seal. Began topull out. At 1000 ft lost HPsignal. Checked RFT packer atrotary and it was fine. CheckedHP gauge and found gauge hadfallen downhole. Client couldnot drill ahead.Ran RFT back in afterreplacing HP gauge. Foundcable birdcaged and strandmissing from 7820 to 7940 ft.Cable swapped with back-up.After fitting back-up foundcable shorted. Short foundafter making three 200 ft cuts(cause: bad handling).

Ran in with CST. After takingthird core at 12145 ft, lost allair to winch. Found that AirFilter bowl had been blown offits thread and smashed. Couldnot move winch up or downdue to low air.The District Engineer cameout and took a bowl from theOnan and tried to screw it onbut there was too much aircoming out. He decided to killthe engine to stop thecompressor. Having checkedthe hand brake they stoppedthe engine. After about fiveseconds the tool began toaccelerate downhole. At 12250feet it began to slow down andfinally stopped once thetension had reduced enough.They then screwed on thebowl from the Onan andstarted the engine but the airpressure blew the bowl off andsmashed it. They stopped theengine and fitted the bowl fromthe other Onan. It too, was

When the RFT cable fault light reallymeans Dickhead "Or, it was all right for me,how was it for you darling?A major fiasco occurred inl1' lndonesia a little whileback after an RFT refused towork. The panel showed thatthere was a cable fault, so theengineer and crew immediatelychecked the cable. That wasfine and they could find noother problem so they calledfor a new set of equipment.This arrived after a while andthe crew hooked it up. Samething though, big red CableFault light, but of course theyknew that the cable was fine.At least now they had two setsand could swap panels,cartridges and sondes in aneffort to find the problem. Infact they now had 32 possiblecombinations of panels,/

blown off and smashed. Finallythey took the bowl from theDenyo. This held. The tool waspicked up and got normallogging tension at l24lO ft,indicating that the tool had notgone to TD. Upon trying tobring the tool up hole, thechain began to slip on thesmaller sprocket. While tryingto investigate the cause of this,the glass bowl again blew offthe thread and smashed. Theyimmediately fitted a T-clamp tothe cableThe Engineer then got the rigmechanic to bypass the filterwith a short piece of copperpipe. Started the engine andtried to POOH but the chainwas still slipping on the lowersprocket. He investigated the

chain problem and found thechain tension adjusters fullyextended. He slackened off theadjusters and found he hadenough slack to remove onelink, which he did with anangle grinder and a punch.They were then able to POOH..The District Engineers finalcomment on this:"The thing I like best is thatthe guy has obviously replacedhis cable drum with one of theolder WDRs with the smallersprockets and hence hadproblems with his chainlength. Now, when he gets anewer type of WDR with abigger sprocket his chain willbe too short. But of course,he's already figured this out,right? Right "

decided that he had two dudsets of RFT and called for thethird. When it turned up it alsoshowed a Cable Fault. Theyhad another go at checking thecable again but still could notfind anything wrong. Now theyhad 243 possible combinationsto try. But the company manhad got rather bewildered bythe growing pile of RFTs andfinally lost his patience. Hecalled for a new crew.The new crew found theproblem immediately: lines 5 &6 crossed in the head.The first crew had missed itbecause it turned out that boththe guy on the rig floor and theguy in the truck had a jumperin his hand but neither had aSimpson meter. They bothwere happily moving the

cartridges,/sondes to play with. jumper round each conductorNo success. in sequence and yelling "OK" atBy this time, most people each other. Each thought thatwould have begun to get the guy at the other end wassuspicious, but this guy doing the testing.

AH-64 website: http : / /www. caliach .com/aUe+/ index. htmlediLorial : AH64@paulross. demon. co. uk

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

4/10

lts the little things really, the little things...From routine to disaster in 5.0sOr, when I say'open' I reallymean'close.'f r was a simple job, a final logIon a 10,000 well on aRussian rig in southern Libya.Everything was working welland the crew were relaxed, wellfed and rested (for a change).Rigging up went smoothly,the first tool string was pickedup all nicely shackled together.As it went in the hole theoperator on the rig floor turnedcasually round to the Russiandriller and gestured for theblind rams to be opened.Unfortunately it wasn't thedriller on the rig floor but hisassistant who prodded thelever in the wrong directionwhich closed the rams nippingthe sonde. The engineer on thewlnch saw the tool string stopand thought that the sonde

had sat down on top oftherams. He quickly picked up theslack and as the cable wenttaut it ripped the weak pointout of the jammed tool string.At this very instant theassistant driller realised hiserror and opened the rams.The sonde, cartridge andhead surprisingly findingthemselves neither supportedfrom below by the rams orabove by the cable tookgravity's choice and rattleddown to TD.

It was all over in a fewseconds. Except of course thefishing job. This was rathercomplicated as the head wasshackled to the tool so it wasnot standing up straight butlying jammed across the well.Still, what is a couple of daysof rig time between friends?

A trouble sharedis no trouble at allOr, when Shoot means ShitW i-"J"1 J;'" :"' :?'[T *."senior engineers found an neatway of getting out of trouble.The exploration well wasfinished, logged, cased and wewere waiting for Houston todecide where to perforate. Theyhad a lot riding on this as, sofar, the client's explorationprogramme had been prettydisappointing. The Geologist onsite was by coincidence hadbeen to the same university asthe engineer. They soonbecame firm friends.A telex comes from town withorders. Something like six feetof lour shots/foot, topperforation at 9490 feet.We load up and run in. TheGeologist is sitting in front ofthe monitor. The engineercorrelates and the Geologistconlirms it. They drop downand pull up to the shooting

depth of 9409 feet. Theengineer turns to the Geologistand says "OK to shoot?" TheGeologist checks everythingand says "Go ahead, shoot "The engineer sends power, thecable kicks. The gun worksAs they are pulling out theGeologist idly fishes the Telexout of his pocket. He turns tothe engineer "It was 9490 weshot at wasn't it?" The engineerchecks his notes "No you mean9409" Oopsl Dyslexia rules KOSo now they are both introuble (after all the Geologistdid check "and authorise theshot). But the engineer comesup with a solution.They go into the companyman's office and on the desk isa typewriter. Taking out theribbon they very carefullysmudge the telex at the crucialpoint. Along with a little bit ofcrumpling the shooting depthcould be read as 9409, 9490 oreven 9499. Face is saved.

Now all we need is an un-perforating gun. With un-shaped charges?

ln the desert anytow is a good towOr, you can't always believewhat you see until you seeit. ..T ibya, midsummer. ComingI-r back from the well site theLand Rover was suddenlyshaken by a loud and terminalbang from the gearbox. Thevehicle puttered to a halt underthe hot sun.Still it was really no problemas the truck was followingabout half an hour behind sojust time for a snooze. Thetruck rolls up, out with the tiedown chain, hook up the towand lets go.The only problem is that asthey pick up speed the truckkicks up so much dust andsand that the driver of theLand Rover could hardlybreath let alone see. Aftermuch hooting and flashingthey stop to solve the problem.A suggestion was made. Whynot tie the Land Rover tightagainst the back of the truckthen everyone can travel inrelative comfort in the cab?Duly done the trip to base wasmade without incident.I should mention one thingabout desert driving with the9900 trucks. They were sounder-powered that a slightpatch of soft sand would dragthe speed down dramatically.These soft patches wereinvisible to the eye so it wasroutine to find the truck slowdown for no apparent reason.So back to their intrepid triowho climbed out of the truck atbase and walked round theback where they found...A totally wrecked Land Rover.It had worked loose and hadstarted weaving behind thetruck. It ended up beingdragged on its side (ooh a bit ofsoft sand), on its back (ooh, erthat's really soft) and back onits wheels (ah, that's better) allthe way back to base.

AH- 64 websiLe : http : / /www . caliach. com/ Aue+ / index . htmleditorial : AH64@paulross . demon. co. uk

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

5/10

Witness or just witless?The witness isalways rightOr, in lifes trials its best ifyou arejudge andjury too.f n the midst of a five well PLTI campaign, tired andwondering whether the damngradio was going to surviveanother run, the Shell PE said,'Do you know this is thedeepest well in the North Sea?'Instant panic'Oh, really?'Nonchalantly standing upand stretching, I leanedcasually against the developingtank and gazed sideways outthe front window of the unit atthe l-32 cable zipping into the'deepest well in the North Sea'and wondering if that lastengineer kept his cable recordin the unit up to date.'What's up?', asked the ShellPE. 'Oh, just stretching... Youknow... Long hours in front ofthe CSU, blah, blah, blah...'.'No, I know what you'reworried aboutl You don't thinkyou've got enough cable 'Smart ass... How'd he know?Fortunately, there was awrap and a half of cable left atTD, the panic died and the PLTsurvey started normally. Until Inoticed that all the productionwas coming from places wherethere were not meant to be anyholes Grabbing the perfo logfrom the file and checking...Yep, the perfo depths wereconfirmed. Yep, even as tiredas I was, I'd entered them

whether on depth or not. Havebeen advised by the witness toperforate anyway."And the name of the witnessfor the perforating? Yep... thesame guy witnessing the PLT.No wonder the water cut wasastronomicallDo I know you?Or, Shell needs a witnessprotection programme.A n ensineer fondlv4."-i.,i.."=,Many years ago an elderlyformer field engineer, Michel,who is no longer alive, came toAberdeen as part of a roundthe world trip to interviewclients about the typicallengths and diameters of wellsthat they drill. Its the sort ofstuff that you should think wewould know given the data isrecorded it all in the logheaders. Anyway this wasgoing to be used for the plansfor future tools, so at least theywould fit inside the holes.

I took Michel to see Shell. Wewent to see the chiefpetrophysics guy as is normalin these cases. After the formalintroductions, the topic wasdiscussed and it didn't takevery long to establish Shell'sNorth Sea practices.At the end of the meeting, theShell guy said to Michel "Youknow, I am sure we have metbefore. Were you in... and gavea list of places where he hadworked...?correctly for the PLT, and I was Michel said that he was sureon depth with the gamma ray. they had not met before, and'Hey Shell PE, you know this he had never been in any ofwell has been shot off depth?' those places.'Really? Oh, I wouldn't worry As we left the Shell building,about it. And don't make any Michel turned to me and said.comments in the heading' "I remembered that fuckingHuh? A Shell PE not worried bastard alright. When he was aabout a well perforated off wellsite geologist in xxxx hedepth? And no comments? used to stand on the cat walkUntil I noticed the comments with a fucking stop watchin the perfo log from the timing my operation. No way

engineer who'd done the was I going to give thatperforating: "Unable to cocksucker the pleasure ofascertain with 100% certainty being remembered".AH- 64 websit.e : http : / /www . callach. com,/AX5aediLorial : AH6 @paulross. demon. co. uk

lf in trouble askfor help - ormake a fool ofyourselfBut hey, why not both?Qcene: a workshopU party in'Iunisia tocelebrate yet anotherrecord month (halycondays eh?).Enter, stage left, a crewback from a long andexhausting job. They divestraight into the food and,of course, the wine.The four wheel drivevehicles that we had wereconverted Peugeot 504swith a increased groundclearance and a ratherflimsy suspension.The operators lovedcruising around town inthem particularly outsidethe schools when the girlswere coming out.Some hours later tired,and made very emotionalby copious quantities ofwine at the party, thecrew chief leaps into oneof these 504s and racesinto town.However he forgets thatthere is a huge ditchacross the road caused bylast months flash floodsand hits it at about 100km/hr. The front makes itacross just fine but therear axle is neatly rippedoff.

As he slithers to a halt10m further on with thenose pointed in the air acurious crowd gathers.Somewhat confused as tohis location he guns theengine in an attempt toget out of the ditch. Whenthis doesn't work he startsyelling at the bemusedcrowd 'well don't juststand there - push 'Just think, if he was infour wheel drive he couldhave made it home.

/ index . html

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

6/10

There may not be water in the desert butthere is lots of cable lying around...The importanceof cable lengthEspecially when it is on theground...f, astern Libya was a difficultI--r place to move around,towards the Egyptian borderthe exploration rigs drilled in ahuge sand sea surrounded bysoft dunes 100m high. A welldriven Toyota could make goodprogress but trucks had totake the long way around.Sometimes it could take atruck 24 hours to make directA dropped stringOr, the stupid things thatyou do when the cablebreaks at surface...f r was a period when thereI *as terrible shortage ofcables in Libya. Stuck incustoms, wrongly ordered orwhatever. The cable on truck9906 was so worn that theouter armour was down toalmost half its normalthickness and badly corrodedby H2S. It was in such poorcondition that it wouldn't evenspool properly on the drum.I was so desperate for areplacement that I had taken asample up to the Tripoli office amonth before to prompt theminto more decisive action. Thesurface was as smooth as abass guitar string and whenyou flexed it there was acracking sound and rustparticles fell out. Theirresponse was a shrug.All of our equipment wasbadly overstretched but I hadmade a standing order that9906 was only to do cased holejobs so at least fishing wouldbe easier. Despite the best laidpians I got caught out on amonth were we were desperate.A major final log came up andonly 9906 was available. Ichopped a few hundred feet offand built a new rope socket.

AH-64 website:editorial :

trip of 100km.One such deep explorationfinal logging was in progress.The truck had ground its waythere over a period of two daysand now everything bar thekitchen sink was being run.Just before the RFT it was timefor a wiper trip which gave thecrew a break. But theseoperators were conscientiousmen and they wanted to geteverything ready for the nextrig up including spooling a bitof cable out on to the ground.Now it can be a littleawkward spooling out cable

Rigging up in the middle ofthe night and had just got theISF-MSFL-SLS-SGT stringconnected. I gently started itdown when TWANG the cablesnapped two feet from thehead. The string wobbled downthe hole, the operators divingfor cover from the coils of cabledropping down from above.If you ever have thismisfortune you will probablythen do the same futile thingthat I did which was to leapout of the truck, run up to therig floor and peer down thehole. Ah well.A bugger of a fishingjob buttwo days later the tools werereturned to surface. Theinduction sonde was lookingdecidedly second-hand beingabout a foot shorter thanoriginally designed but the restwas OK. Our workload was sohigh that "they went on to dotwo more final logs before wehad time to Q check them...A day or two later I had ahighly unofficial radioconversation with the DistrictEngineer in Tripoli whichbasically boiled down to 'Paul,file no fishing report, file noaccident report'. I thought ofthat piece of rotten cable lyingin his office for the last monthand thought'how wise'.Lost time reported: Nil. A newcable arrived five days later.http: / /www . caliach .com/lJJe +/ index. htmlAH64@paulross . demon. co. uk

with only two men when thetruck is close to the catwalk sothe Libyan operators haddeveloped a trick. One mandrove the winch whilst theother pulled the cable to oneside. The winch operator thenleft the winch turning slowlyand ran out to pull the cableout to the alternate side. Thisway two operators could zig-zagthe cable behind the truckwith the minimum of effort.On this job they did thisbefore quickly turning theirattention to knocking down thetools. After all dinner wascalling.The engineer meanwhile washunched over the CSU doinghis Cyberlook but graduallybecame aware that the riglights behind him weredimming. Puzzled, he turnedround and saw the windowalmost obscured by a forest ofcable coils, the winch drumstill turning mutely inside. Theoperators were by now well intotheir first course.A layer or two can sometimesbe coaxed back into positionbut this was a lost cause. Theengineer got on to the radioand called for another truck.The only one available had tocome from central Libya andwould be free in half a day. Itwould take 24 hours to reachthe rig. It was going to be along wiper trip.When the truck finallyarrived the engineer checked itover. It wasn't a full drum ofcable by any means but theplate inside said 18,000' ofcable so that was all right. Therig pulled out and wirelinerigged up.He was still 400' off thebottom of a 16,000' well beforehe lost his nerve having onlyfour turns of cable left on thebare drum. Someone had notbeen keeping the cableinformation up to date.A third truck, with enoughcable, arrived two days later.

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

7/10

This rising crime Where's the bit orrate is reallyterribleOr, your Dipmeter data is inthe trash.I good friend of mine wasfL working in Holland someyears back when he slippedneatly out from under a fiasco.He had gone on a routinefinal log but there had been afew problems that had made itlonger than usual [I think thatthis means Lost Time - Ed.l. Sohe was rather tired when hecame to the last run, thedipmeter. One of the problemshe had had throughout thejob

was that he was using a new,and slightly experimental,version of CSU software.The CSU used a slightly oddlog format for the dipmeter.The fast channels are recordedas a special input (RHDT - RawHDT). For some reason thevital fast channels were dis-allowed by default on this newsoftware version. The engineerwas tired and not reallyexpecting this so didn't notice.The dipmeter was run, lotssquiggles on the log etc., but itwas useless for anythingexcept as a quality check ofnon-existant data.The job was done, he riggeddown and the rig startedrunning casing. On the wayback from the job somethingwas nagging at the back of hismind. He stopped for lunchand wondered why the datatape had turned so slowly.Over coffee he suddenlyrealised what must ofhappened, the data tape wasuseless and the well was, bynow, cased.Then inspiration came. Hewent out to his car, picked upa brick and threw it throughthe side window then chuckedhis case away.Then he phoned up the baseand claimed that whilst havinglunch someone had brokeninto his car and stolen hisbriefcase which held the vitaldipmeter tape.

will drill collarsdo?Or, don't count yourchickens until... well untilyou have counted yourchickensl\Tew Years day. Libya. AI\ radio call. dne of-theRussian rigs has twisted of itsbit. Do we have a magnet? No.There followed three days offishing for the elusive thing.Two fishing companies wereemployed then run off. I ransome open hole CCLs in adesperate effort to locateanything. Nothing worked.

The common consensus wasthat there was something downthere but none of the magnetsorjunk baskets were strongenough to pick it up. Perhaps ifwe could break it up intosmaller pieces we could fish it.My, rather desperate,proposal was to weld togetherEnerjet strips on the bottom ofa weight with about a dozenEnerjet charges firingdownwards. Lower it to TD andblast the fish to bits. Then dipin with the magnet and get thejunk out. Everything else hadbeen tried with no success sothe client went for it. At least itwill be a bit of fun I thought.So that afternoon I wasThere is a dummyon this rig but

he was stunned to find adetonator in the engineer'sdrawer. This was a serious

merrily welding together ahighly unusual tool. Halfwaythrough my labours came aradio call that solvedeverything. This was whatreally happened.Russian rigs in Libya werefine except for two things; Mudand bits. Mud was dealt within the usual fashion anddrilling bits were imported(probably illegally) from the USby the Libyans and doled outone by one to the Russians.New Years eve. Its a Russianrig. The bit is worn so one crewstarts out. They knock the oldbit off and run a couple of barestands in, close the rams andgo off to the party. Severalhours later the relief arrivesomewhat worse for wear forVodka and see the pipe in thehole. They have had asomewhat garbled messageabout a bit change so they justrun on down. When they hitTD with the collars they don'tmake much progress but thatdoesn't stop them from trying.After a while they pull out tosee what is going on and 1o andbehold the bottom of the collaris chewed up just as if the bithad twisted off.The Russian crew'fished' itmerely by getting around toadding up all the bits on site.They tal lied perfectly.communicated to the DivisionManager in Aberdeen who justhappened to be in a meetingwith both the Shetland District

We all know how to tell adummy deto from the realthing don't we? Well at least

Whefe? Manager, the FSM and clienrsAnd, more to the point, who? ,.t 4T""ffi'"i3il",1frixi,i'|here was a safety drive on FSM. "Why was there aI so the Shettand's FSM had detonatorln the doghouse?"been encouraging his engineers The FSM discretly excusedto hold regular safety meetings himself and went to call theoffshore. engineer. The answer cameSometime later, the Division and was passed back aroundSafety Manager made a rig visit the table to the DM. "It was ain the absence of the dummy detonator that hadSchlumberger field crew. When been used during safetyhe was 'checking' the doghouse meetings with the rig crew"

AH- 64 websi-te :editorial :offence which was immediately the Safety Manager shouldlhttp: / /www.caliach.com/xle +/ index.hrmlAH54@paufross . demon. co . uk

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

8/10

This is the Story ofthe ProviderThe Beginningf n the beginning life wasIgood. As a member of theworkers aristocracy I couldaflord to go anywhere or to buyanything I wanted. I had nolinancial worries and had theprospect that some day I wouldbe able to reach a real positionof power within the System ofthe Provider.The price for this was abargain made right at the start.In a sort of wedding ceremony,I sold my soul to the Providerfor all of this wealth and madevows to always follow the rulesand the system set-up by him.As I embarked on my chosenpath, little did I know thatwithin a few short years, theideals described to me by theProvider would begin to shatterand all that would remainwould be a faint memory of thegreat enthusiasm andanticipation with which we allhad started with. All that wehad heard and the promisesthat we had been given turnedout to be nothing but lies. Liestold with no other objectivethan to sustain the Providerand his chosen ones.The HoneymoonQ ix oi us arrived on our firstt-l day in the far north lor thesigning ceremony and to begintralning as workers. We wereall of different nationalities.This was part of the interestingenvironment given to us by theProvider: we would be workingall over the planet with ourcomrades from differentcountries. The good thingabout this was the fact thatnationality, race, colour orcreed would not be taken intoaccount in assessing ourabllity to rise up through theProvider's hierarchy. Progresswould be allowed to those of uswho performed our tasks well.Was the Chief Provider himselfnot once a lowly worker? Thisonly proves that all men are

accepted as equalsWe stayed in the best hoteland then in a fine house, bothof which were provided at nocost to us. Every morning, alimousine was sent to collectus after breakfast and everyevening we were taken homeby the same means. In theoffice, which was in fact thelargest of all the Provider'sservice centres, we were meantto learn and be taught theessence ofthe tasks that wewould be obliged to performlater on but in fact, nobodyreally paid any attention to usand we were free to do as wepleased. Life was good and itcould only get better.The Gulag/\ tt tnis changed afrer a11. month. Just as we hadreceived a huge payment ofcash in our bank accounts, wewere transferred to the gulagWhen we arrived, we were putto work immediately. We livedin small concrete boxes wherethe other residents, not of theProvider, threw stones andfence posts at our cars in themornings.Every day we followed thesame schedule indoctrinatingus in the ways of the Provider.The "ways" were written downin five small black leather-bound books which had pagescovered in plastic so that signsof the previous owner's demisecould be quickly and cleanlywashed away."Now that you are one of theProvider's chosen ones, youhave joined an elite force ofworkersi" they said. "You willbe respected because theProvider only chooses the best.When you are released fromhere you will go out into theworld to supply others with theProvider's service. The peopleyou meet will always treat youin the way which is reservedonly for members of theworkers aristocracy."These statements made usfeel good of course but as theweeks slipped by we becamemore and more tired of being

force-fed the Provider's ideologyby three of his henchmen whohad been given the task. All ofthe normal methods were usedto wear us down almost to thebreaking point: sleepdeprivation, starvation andbrutal interrogation sessionsheld once a week on Mondays.If you gave a single wronganswer in one of thesesessions, the punishmentwhich followed could be severe.In the worst cases peoplewould simply disappear andnever be seen again."What happened to Pierre?"we would ask one of thehenchmen."He failed to perform to thestandards required by theProvider," they would say,laughing as they did so. "Hehas been terminated and if youdon't want the same you'dbetter learn the five blackbooks by heart."I, like all of the other JAWs,(Junior Aristocratic Workers) ,had previously been touniversity where we were givenan understanding of thesubjects being taught. It wasalways important tounderstand and notjustmemorise because fromunderstanding comes theability to develop further ideasand the ability to pass thesame understanding on toothers. This is the reason thatmankind is not still living inCAVCS.The university method wascompletely alien to ProviderServices Inc. Memorisation ofthe black books, an ability topush buttons, (mostly marked'CR'), and the learning by roteof a lot of incomprehensibleacronyms was all that wasrequired. I have mentioned thefirst acronym above. This isJAW and reflects the first rungon the ladder of the aristocraticworkers progression. Theothers are as follows:AW Aristocratic WorkerSAW Senior Aristocratic

WorkerGAW General AristocraticWorkerAH-64 website: http: / /www. caliach .com/AUe+/ index.htmleditorial : AH64@paulross. demon. co. uk

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

9/10

The acronyms areappropriate for several reasons.When you are a mere JuniorAristocratic Worker, you areexpected to hold those higherup the ladder with awe. As aSAW, you are thought to be acut above a mere AW and as aGAW you are most likely tohear people refer to you as,"oh GAWd "Once you become a GAW youare eligible for the first of the"management" positions. Thefirst one is PRAT which standsfor Provider, Raw And un-Trained. This refers to the factthat ifyou ever reach this level,no one will bother to give anymanagement training ordirection and it is assumedthat to be a successful PRATyou have what it takes anyway.After this you can become aPLONKER. That is a ProviderLiaison Officer, No KnowledgeEver Required. This reflects thereasoning that if you have thequalities inherent to be a PRATthen to be a PLONKER requireseven less.At the end of three months,from the twenty six comradeswho had entered the gulag atthe start, only eight survivorswere released having passed allinterrogations successfully. Wecould now recite the five blackbooks by heart, or hadmanaged to learn only theparts which we knew wouldform part of the sessions withthe henchmen. This in itselfhad been a risky business aswe could never be sure if wewould be caught out.In celebration of beingreleased, we were taken to arestaurant for the first realfood we had seen in months. Itmust have been this shock tothe digestive system that mademost of us extremely ill thenext day.The WorldA tt of the comrades were11' split up on leaving thegulag. I think that this wasbecause towards the end of ourordeal, we were actuallybeginning to form into teams

and become motivated in theways of the Provider or maybeit was to prevent any seed ofdissent which may have beenplanted, from propagating andgrowing into a full scalecounter AW revolution.As the years went by, I wouldsometimes hear news abouttheir fates. Some wereterminated and others seemedto lose their faith and convertto social realism. We were oftenwarned about this by ourPRATs and PLONKERs. "Life aswe know it doesn't existoutside of PS Inc." they wouldwhisper, mainly at parties aftera few too many fruit juices hadbeen consumed. "If you want tosucceed.just remember whatthe Provider has told us. Followhis ways and soon you will bea PRAT like us "During the first few years ofbeing an aristocratic worker itwas fairly easy to progress upthrough the Provider'shierarchy. This simply involved"being there," and gathering afew signatures for tasksperformed in the trainingprogramme. This programmewas called RIPE (RegionalIndoctrination of ProviderEmployees) and because thesignatures required camemainly from older GAWs, it wasnever a problem to obtainthese in return for variousliquid favours. The mostdifficult aspect of RIPE was tosubmit the six compulsoryinterpretations based on thesixth black book. This washard because the sixth bookhad never been seen byanybody and many said that itonly eiisted in the minds of thePRATs and PLONKERs. Thiswas the way that they wouldalways be able to terminateany of the AWs who did not fitthe Provider's profile.The sixth book was entitled,"The Provider's Guide toMaking Sense of all thoseSquiggles." This referred to theresults of the Provider's Servicefor which we had spent thethree months in the Gulag.These results, which were sold

to the Provider's Clients forhundreds of thousands ofdollars, were presented in theform of squiggles drawn by acomputer. On their own theywere useless and so in orderfor the Clients to make sense ofthem, they had to beinterpreted. This was the aimof the six compulsoryinterpretations which had to bemade by all of the AWs. Wefound that the only way tosubmit a successfulinterpretation was to find anold one and copy it. This wasnever discovered because no-one could ever refer to thesixth book to checkEven reaching the level ofGAW was easy but this iswhere the problems began. Theact of producing the results ofthe Provider's Service isactually mind-bogglinglytedious. As we used to say, "Amonkey could do this but itwould have to be a trainedone " This meant that withinsix months of becoming aGAW, we were all ardentlylooking forwards to becoming aPRAT, if only to release us fromthe boredom.What happened next was toshatter our perception of PSInc. slowly and surely over thefollowing years. GAWs who hadno potential or ability what-so-ever would suddenly be madeinto PRATs. This was for one oftwo reasons: either they hadbecome so indoctrinated intothe ways that they could actlike a PRAT already i.e. theyhad grown to resemble theProvider's own image or theyhappened to belong to somethird world nation whorequired the services of PS Inc.The Provider would alwayspromote these people in orderto place them in their homecountries as PLONKERs andhigher later on. For the rest ofus who merely did a good job,were intelligent, bright andefficient it made no difference.We never stood a chance fromthe beginning but had beentaken on by PS Inc. as adisposable source of labour toAH-64 website: http: / fwww. caliach .com/lJ-e+/ index.htmleditorial : AH54@paulross. demon. co.uk

8/13/2019 AH-64 Number 3

10/10

be terminated when no longerrequired.If you belonged to either ofthe two preferred categories,your name would be put on thelist of nomenklatura. This wasa list of those for whom it hadbeen decided, by the Provider'shighest PLONKERs, that theycould eventually hold positionsof authority within theProvider's system. This meantthat if you appeared in thenomenklatura, you had toforget about any originalthoughts and merely follow thecourse mapped out for you andbecome an Aparatchik. Howdid you do this? The answerwas simple: you acted and saidthe things which the Providerexpected to hear, no matterwhether this was in line withimproving or even maintainingthe system.Eventually the system wouldfail but by that time you hadhopefully managed to makeyourself a nice comfortablenest for the future. All of theAparatchiks knew that thesystem was false andunsustainable but were onlymaximising their own fortuneswithin it.Of course, a few of us slippedthrough the net and managedto become PRATs and evenPLONKERs. This was due to athird mechanism: theGodfather Connection. The wayof utilising this method was tobe lucky enough to have a bosswith whom you got on verywell. If you were of the samenationality this was evenbetter. Usually this type ofperson had also used the thirdmechanism and as such wasan anomaly within the system.They generally had the sameprolile has we did i.e.intelligent, bright and efficientbut for some reason hadmanaged to slip through.In this way I finally became aPRAT and then very quickly Iwas made a PLONKER. Thiswas fine but unfortunatelytime was not on my side. Assoon as my Godfathers hadbeen terminated or had left the

Company, then my name wasimmediately removed from thenomenklatura and I was left ina period of stagnation.The Period of Stagnationf t was shortly after I wasI made a PRAT that the goldenyears of Provider Inc. came toan end. For those of us withinthe system this was notobvious at the time and onlyafter about four years did thecracks in PS Inc's ideologybecome obvious.Due to the policy ofpromoting those who would notquestion the system, the Periodof Stagnation began. All thosewho questioned or suggestedbetter ways to carry onbusiness were eitherterminated or just ignored.PS Inc. found itself unable tocope with a fundamentalchange in the market whichwas settling down andbecoming mature after theheady days ofthe first fewdecades. Instead it tried tomaintain itself in the old waysof making a huge profit. Ofcourse the profits made duringthe first decades were obsceneand at that time PRATs andPLONKERs were promotedextremely quickly. This isbecause they could do nothingwrong. Whatever their abilitiesor lack of them, the machinekept on turning out theobscene profits and so theywere all heroes. At thebeginning of the Period ofStagnation, all of these whiz-kids were at the highest levelsof management and of coursethey were all intent onmaintaining things as they hadalways been. The last thingthey would do would be tochange the system which hadput them in the highestechelons.Trying to maintain thingsdidn't work.The next thing to happen wasthe ten years of cuts. Funnilyenough this is something thatis only apparent when lookingbackwards. The way it workedwas like this:

"OK so our profit margins arenot great enough, our incomeis reduced as we have had todrop our prices because ofcompetition so how can we fixthis? Easy, we n-rust cut ourown costs. Personnel costs arethe highest so let's reducethese. There are several waysto do this. First we fire all un-necessary personnel. We canget rid of a lot of maintenancepersonnel and expensive olderengineers. Then we can letinflation gradually erode thesalaries of our workers andreduce the compensationpackage. We can reduce days-off and finally we can replaceexpensive engineers with muchcheaper technicians. Thatshould do the trick."This didn't work so thefollowing year it was decided:"OK so our profit margins arenot great enough, our incomeis reduced as we have had todrop our prices because ofcompetition so how can we fixthis? We must cut costs..."Deja vu?So, this has happened duringsuccessive years for the lastten with no result. Many olderGAWs and people who weregenerally held in esteem havefinally wondered why theybothered to stay around for solong waiting for things to getback to normal.Discontentment anddisillusionment is now rifethroughout all levels of PS Inc.Even the nomenklatura knowthis so it is only a matter oftime before the inevitable onsetof the Period of Perestroika.This will involve the completecollapse of PS Inc. and theemergence of a new system inwhich everybody is equal andhas the same chance of beingpromoted based on theirability. This will be a kind ofAristocratic Workers Utopiabased on equal opportunitiesand rights for allPerestroikaf Jnfortunately this has nolL,/ yet happened. When itdoes we can finish the storv.

AH-64 website : http : / /www.caliach . com/A1164/index.htmleditorial : AH64@paulross. demon. co. uk0