Notes:“Dating my Husband”

*My personal relationship with the LordJeremiah 29:13Matthew 19:21

*PrayerJames 5:13-14

*Accountability/Authenticity/Being PurposefulJames 5:16

Knowing Husband’s Needs

Ideas:

Recommended Resources:BibleScared MarriageMomentary MarriageThe Love DareStreams in the Desert – LB CowmanThe Red Sea Rules – Robert J. MorganGod Seeker – Kristen SauderThe Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman The Power of a Praying Wife – Stormie O’martinGrowing Kids God’s Way – Parenting classesPrayer Portions – Sylvia GunterFor Women Only – Shaunti FeldhahnSheet Music- Kevin LemanLove and Respect – Dr Emerson EggerichsThe Act of Marriage – Tim LahayeSong of Solomon DVD’s Tommy NelsonPersonality Plus (online)Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe – Sharon Jaynes

Conferences:Song of SolomonWeekend to Remember by Family Life Today

10 Tips for a Successful Marriage: Are You Doing What You Can?by Heidi @ ABCJLM

This year I am celebrating huge milestones with two of my favorite couples.  One, my parents.  The other, our neighbors who have become like parents to us and grandparents to our kiddos.  Both have done something that many have dreamed of, but few will accomplish.  Both have made love "more about an act than a feeling" and this year are celebrating 40 and 50 years of marriage, respectively. 

As I think about each couple, I can't help but reflect on the valleys each couple has gone through.  Yet, with God's help, they have both defied the norm. 

So, what makes a good marriage?  How do you beat the odds?

Karen Kingsbury, in a Firstborn series book Forever, listed 10 tips for a successful marriage. These were too good not to pass a long.  I encourage you to find some uninterrupted time with your spouse to read each of these and discuss how you are doing. 

1. God has you here to serve one another.  Love acted out is serving.

2.  Women need respect and nurturing.  Love your wife so she knows you’d lay your life down for her.  Continue to date her and admire her.  Share a hobby – find something you can do to have fun together.

3.  Laugh often {Even when you are neck deep in diapers and meltdowns.}

4.  Be patient.  Love crumbles quickly under the weight of unmet expectations.

5.  Spend more time trying to fix yourself than your spouse. {Hint:  How are your daily quiet times going?}

6.  Keep short accounts.  The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are angry.”  Make it a habit to forgive.

7.  Determine up front that divorce is not an option.

8.  Learn about love languages.  Not all people show love or receive it the same way.  You want a back rub and your spouse wants a clean kitchen.  The love languages are fairly simple:  acts of service, time, physical touch, gifts, and words.  {Check out the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.}

9.  Words of affirmation are a love language for all men.

10.  Men are born to be leaders.  He cannot lead unless she gives him the confidence to do so.  If you love your husband, build him up.  Confident men do not seek love outside the home.  {Read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge }

If you find this list to be discouraging, don't let your emotions go there.  Pick one area to focus on and begin today.  Turn your dream of a happy, successful marriage into an accomplishment! Lord willing, you will be celebrating your 40th and 50th anniversaries as well.

12 Questions: How well do you know your spouse?What is your spouses favorite…

1. TV Program

2. Season

3. Sports team

4. Restaurant

5. Scripture

6. Snack

7. Movie

8. Vacation spot

9. Slippers or socks

10. Best Friend

11. Local News Station

12. Date Night

Bonus: If you had a free day or night, what would you do with your spouse?

20 Small Things to Make a Great Big Difference in Your Marriage

I’ve never even met her. At least not in person.

So you might find it strange that her announcement would fill my eyes with tears. Happy tears. Because that sweet girl is soon to be married and everyone around here is rejoicing with the news.

A wedding! How lovely. How wonderful.

The daughter of my close friend is engaged to be married and we couldn’t be more thrilled.

As soon as I heard their news, I began wondering what kind of gift we could give the young couple. Something special and something lasting. What could I offer that would hold real meaning as they begin their lives together?

But I was sort of stuck and could only think of all the little things. Those tiny moments that go so far into making up a loving marriage. A lifetime of love and joy. Those small treasures that remain long after the wedding day.

So beloved bride – whether you’re newly married or not so much – here is a gift for you. Nothing grand or fancy. Just a few small things that can a make a great big difference in your marriage….

1.    Greet him warmly. When he comes home. When he enters the room. When he’s nearby.

2.   Offer a kind word. He will always be grateful for a kind wife. (Prov. 31:26)

3.    Give thanks. For him and for the life you get to share together.

4.    Speak the truth. In love. Always. (Eph. 4:15)

5.    Look at the bright side. Focus on all that is good and right. (Phil. 4:8)

6.     Shrug off small annoyances. Let those irritating habits bounce off of you.

7.     Snuggle together. Whenever you get the chance. Mostly because it’s rather fun.

8.     Serve cheerfully. It’s Biblical, even if it’s fallen out-of-fashion. (Mark 10:45)

9.     Pray for each other. It really does make a difference.

10.   Listen carefully. About his day, his worries, and his dreams. (Jas. 1:19)

11.    Apologize humbly. Be quick to say you’re sorry and ask forgiveness.

12.    Kiss on the lips. And then linger. Like you mean it.

13.    Laugh at each other’s jokes. Even if you’ve heard them before.

14.    Give a soft answer. Which turns away wrath. (Prov. 15:1)

15.    Step away together. Far from the world and its pressures. Occasionally. Just the two of you.

16.    Smile at him. With all your heart. Light up whenever you see his handsome face.

17.    Forgive fully. Put it completely behind you, never to be brought up again. (Eph. 4:32)

18.    Spend time together. Every chance you get.

19.    Build up. Rather than tear down. You’ll never be sorry for that.

20.   Decide you’re going to love each other. For the rest of your lives. (Mark 10:9)

So blessings on you, my dear. I pray that the Lord fills your marriage with a strong sense of His presence, purpose, and joy. That your love for each other will be deep and abiding. That

together you will be a bright light to a dark world who so desperately looks for that kind of true love.

15 Date Night Ideas That Don’t Break the Bank!

When Michael and I first started out, money didn’t come easy. He wasn’t earning all that much at the time, and I was picking up jobs here and there. The budget was tight with little room to maneuver. If I remember correctly, our spending allowance (after

bills, groceries, mortgage, tithes, and car payment) was about $10.00 each–possibly $20.00 at the most. Divide that by 7 days and we had about 2-3 dollars of spending money each day.

A woman at work approached me about buying raffle tickets that her boyfriend was selling. “They’re only $3.00 each,” she said, like it was nothing to her, “and it’s for a good cause.”

Whether the cause was good or it wasn’t, $3.00 was too costly to me. It seemed like everywhere we turned people were asking for $3.00 here and $4.00 there. I had to say no, because I couldn’t afford it.

She didn’t take that well. I know because she brought it up again about three months later, reminding me how I didn’t support her boyfriend like I should have.

As difficult as it was, I’m grateful for that time in my life because I understand what it’s like to pinch pennies. I saved up loose change for months hoping to buy a new sheet set at Walmart. I counted out 75 pennies for bus fare because I didn’t have any quarters to spare. I cut my own bangs (quite badly I’ll add) because I couldn’t afford a new hair cut. Times were tough, but they were good!

And so for those who are on a tight budget, and others who prefer to save than to spend I’d like to offer you fifteen date night (or day) ideas that won’t break the bank. Some of these are weather depending of course, but here’s the good news: spring is just around the corner! 

1. Go on a picnic. Take dinner outside in the spring. Grab a blanket, pack up your dinner and head out to the park.

2. Play restaurant with another couple. Plan ahead with a friend and swap favors. Make dinner for a couple you know and serve them by candlelight. Make it a special night for them. Then have your friends take their turn the next week.

3. Drive out to the lake. Hop in the car after dinner and drive out to the lake for an evening. Walk hand in hand on the beach. Experience the beauty of a dark starry night.

4. Go to a carnival. Share a bag of popcorn, hop on a couple of rides and and enjoy each others company! This can be pricey if you don’t watch how you spend, but it can be affordable if you’re simply grabbing an ice cream and taking in one ride or two.

5. Play a Board Game. If you buy a new board game, it’s a one time purchase that might cost you a bit the first time, but you’ll have it for years to come. One idea a reader shared is checking out thrift stores for games, but make sure you check inside the box for the pieces.

6. Go out for dessert. You don’t have to go out for dinner in order to have a night out–unless you want to of course. You can enjoy each others company at a coffee shop enjoying a tea and dessert for a fraction of the cost.

7. Browse a used bookstore. Spend an hour at a used bookstore, then take your books to the park and relax–together.

8. Go see a great speaker. People are always coming through town to speak at this church or that one. Keep an eye out for them and attend when you can.

9. Relax by the fire. Depending on the weather, you can either get cozy inside with a cup of hot chocolate or enjoy a bonfire outside.

10. Go bowling. This can be an affordable way to spend a night out. It’s actually a lot of fun, especially if you double date with some friends. Call and ask about specials. We have $6.00 nights and $10.00 nights!

11. Drive about 15 minutes out of town to star gaze. We’ve done this a few times, and it’s always a night to remember. We go just far enough to where the lights of the city are dim so we can see the stars at their brightest. This is especially awesome

during a meteor shower!

12. Watch fireworks. Go early enough so that you get a great spot. We try to get right under them if we can, but it means getting our spot about two hours before they start. It’s definitely worth the extra effort we take.

13. Walk in the forest. Enjoy a walk hand-in-hand through the riverbanks. This is a peaceful way to enjoy each others company.

14. Get Cooking. Plan a menu and cook something together. Try a new recipe that you haven’t cooked before.

15. Sing like a star. If you have a Playstation, you might want to try a night of SingStar. It’s competitive Karaoke, and it’s fun! If you don’t have a Playstation, you can still sing like a star with an old Karaoke machine or an acoustic guitar.

The 5 Love Languages® What if you could say or do just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved? The secret is learning the right love language! Millions of couples have learned the simple way to express their feelings and bring joy back into marriage: The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller.

#1: Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

#2: Quality Time

For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

#3: Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

#4: Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

#5: Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

The Five Love Languages Quiz

Select the one you prefer most of your two options, the one that fits the best right now. Circle the letter to the right of the option you most prefer.

1. I like to receive notes of affirmation. A

I like to be hugged. E

2. I like to spend one-to-one time with a person who is special to me. B

I feel loved when someone gives practical help to me. D

3. I like it when people give me gifts. C

I like leisurely visits with friends and loved ones. B

4. I feel loved when people do things to help me. D

I feel loved when people touch me. E

5. I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts his or her arm around me. E

I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone I love or admire. C

6. I like to go places with friends and loved ones. B

I like to high-five or hold hands with people who are special to me. E

7. Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me. C

I feel loved when people affirm me. E

8. I like to sit close to people whom I enjoy being around. E

I like for people to tell me I am beautiful/handsome. A

9. I like to spend time with friends and loved ones. B

I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones. C

10. Words of acceptance are important to me. A

I know someone loves me when he or she helps me. D

11. I like being together and doing things with friends and loved ones. B

I like it when kind words are spoken to me. A

12. What someone does affects me more than what he or she says. D

Hugs make me feel connected and valued. E

13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism. A

Several small gifts mean more to me than one large gift. C

14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together. B

I feel closer to friends and loved ones when they touch me often. E

15. I like for people to compliment my achievements. A

I know people love me when they do things for me that they don’t enjoy doing. D

16. I like to be touched as friends and loved ones walk by. E

I like it when people listen to me and show genuine interest in what I am saying. B

17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects. D

I really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones. C

18. I like for people to compliment my appearance. A

I feel loved when people take time to understand my feelings. B

19. I feel secure when a special person is touching me. E

Acts of service make me feel loved. D

20. I appreciate the many things that special people do for me. D

I like receiving gifts that special people make for me. C

21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone gives me undivided attention. B

I really enjoy the felling I get when someone helps me make decisions. D

22. I feel loved when a person celebrated my birthday with a gift. C

I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words. A

23. I know a person is thinking of me when he or she gives me a gift. C

I feel loved when a person helps with my chores. D

24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn’t interrupt me. B

I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift. C

25. I like knowing loved ones are concerned enough to help with my daily tasks. D

I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me. B

26. I enjoy kissing or being kissed by people with whom I am close. E

I enjoy receiving a gift given for no special reason. C

27. I like to be told that I am appreciated. A

I like for a person to look at me when we are talking. B

28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me. C

I feel good when a friend or loved one touches me. E

29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested. D

I feel loved when I am told how much I am needed. A

30. I need to be touched every day. E

I need words of encouragement daily. A

Totals: A: B: C: D: E:

Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s and E’s you have circled, and record them below. What is your “love language”?

A = Words of Affirmation B = Quality Time

C = Receiving Gifts

D = Acts of Service

E = Physical Touch

To take the quiz online, go to www.5lovelanguages.com/assessment.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, can be purchased at your local bookstore, or through www.amazon.com.

Jump Start your Devotion Time with your Husband with these and sign up for emails through Family Life – Moments with You

FEBRUARY 1

Do You Believe in Magic?

BY BARBARA RAINEYMy beloved extended his hand through the opening, and my feelings were aroused for him. SONG OF SOLOMON 5:4

Most romantic relationships begin with a season we call "new love." This season is characterized by an intense focus on each other, a strong mutual attraction, eager anticipation and enthusiasm for building a life together, and a great freedom to express physical intimacy (hopefully after marriage). Couples in new love are eager to sacrifice time and money to fuel this new experience. It feels so good. Their fears are minimized by the emotion of love, and they will talk for hours about their lives and dreams and hopes. New love is easy, delightful and intense. It is intoxicating and magical.

You're probably thinking, Yes, I remember those days . . . But why shouldn't your marriage be regularly infused with the thrills of anticipation and other swept-off-your-feet emotions? Why shouldn't there be times when you feel like kids again, hardly able to keep your hands off each other? Why shouldn't you use the time, money and resources you possess to arrange a romantic getaway? What would happen if you were to say to your wife, "I have a surprise for you next Tuesday at lunch?" All week long, she'd be wondering about what you had up your sleeve.

Or what if you sent your husband an email at work, telling him you had something special in mind for tonight, wondering if maybe he could get home a little earlier than usual (wink, wink)? Oswald Chambers, the great devotional author of the early 1900s, said, "Human nature, if it is healthy, demands excitement; and if it does not obtain its thrilling excitement in the right way, it will seek it in the wrong way. God never makes bloodless stoics. He makes passionate saints." What have you done lately to rekindle the magic?

DISCUSSTalk about how marriage can rob your relationship of romance.PRAYGod is the creator of passion, excitement and romance. Ask Him to guide you ever closer to the love of your life.  

FEBRUARY 3

"What I Like Best"

Rejoice in the wife of your youth. PROVERBS 5:18

We often forget that romance is far more than an after-hours activity we share in the bedroom. Simple, everyday expressions of affection are just as much a part of marital romance as sexual intimacy is—and they give our children a very real sense that all is right in their world.

I love the way an 11-year-old boy captured this sentiment in an essay titled "What I Like Best About My Home": My mother keeps a cookie jar in the kitchen, and we can help ourselves to it if it's not too close to mealtime. Except my dad can have some any time. When he comes home from the office, he helps himself, no matter if it's just before we eat. Then he always slaps my mother on the behind and brags about how great she is and how good she can cook. Then she turns around and they hug. The way they do it, you'd think they just got married or something. It makes me feel good. This is what I like best about my home.

I think our children liked seeing us be affectionate. I'd come home after work and lock lips with Barbara in a kiss that was just a little bit more than a quick smacker, and our children would groan and comment, "Gross!" "Go get a hotel room!" But they always said it with a sheepish grin. So how about it? Hold hands. Open the car door for her. Kiss her on the neck. Come up from behind him and put your arms around him. Snuggle on the couch while you watch a movie. Let your children catch you in kiss that is not a handshake!

And don't forget to say "I love you." Out loud. Right there in the kitchen. This is the best kind of "homeland security."

DISCUSS

Tell each other three little incidental things the other does that always makes you feel good, makes you feel loved. What's your favorite kind of affection?

PRAY

Give thanks to God for the opportunity you have to give your children a healthy picture of what real love and romance look like. 

FEBRUARY 5

Need Machines

BY BARBARA RAINEY

Over our doors are all choice fruits, both new and old, which I have saved up for you, my beloved. SONG OF SOLOMON 7:13

Without question, the biggest deterrent to romance for moms is children. These sweet, precious, innocent little ones given to us by God are also self-centered, untrained, unending "need machines" who can suck the life out of our marriage. They often leave us feeling like the mother who said, "It's ironic. Romance gave us our children, and children ended our romance." But motherhood can simply be a tempting excuse for giving up sex. Caught up in her day-in-day-out responsibilities, a mother can experience a slow shift in loyalty from husband to children. She thinks the needs of her children, since they are so helpless and formative, are more important than the needs ofher husband. After all, he's an adult.

True. And yet one reason why this reasoning is faulty—one reason why it's easy for us to have little sympathy for our husband's sexual needs—is that we as women are able to experience our femaleness simply by nurturing our children. We feel fully alive as women when we're caring for them (that is, when we're not totally exhausted!). We feel a deep, innate sense of well-being and fulfillment; it is an indescribable privilege that brings us profound satisfaction. It's what we were made to do.

But it's only part of being a woman. God didn't create you with the capacity and compulsion to nurture just for the sake of your children. He also meant for you to nurture life in your husband. Maintaining this balance is one of the biggest challenges of the parenting years; your children need to see Dad and Mom in love. Nurturing life in your husband may not be as automatic as it is with your children, but it is no less important. God will help you balance the needs of both husband and children when you depend upon Him.

DISCUSSWhat are some practical, creative ways you both could keep romance alive, even when living in a house full of children?PRAYPray for God's wisdom in balancing life's demands.