Your Personality Patterns

Understanding the Psychological Structure of Your Personality

and

Developing Capacities for Healthy Relating and Functioning

Jay Earley, PhD

Larkspur, CA

Your Personality Patterns:

Understanding the Psychological Structure of Your Personality

and Developing Capacities for Healthy Relating and Functioning

Copyright © 2014 by Jay Earley. All rights reserved.

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be

reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any

means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written

permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

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This report shows how to understand your personality using the Pattern System,

which is a personality tool that is oriented toward psychological healing and personal

development. The Pattern System also can help you understand other people—why they

respond as they do and what makes them tick.

Once you have explored yourself according to this report, you will come away

with a comprehensive map of your psyche. You will be able to see your strengths and

your defenses, the structure of your inner conflicts, and what you need to explore next to

resolve the issues that are most important to you. You will also learn about the leading

edge of your growth—which psychological capacities you can develop (or are already

developing) to make your life happier and more productive.

This report is excerpted from my book The Pattern System. It contains an outline

of all the dimensions, patterns, and capacities in the system.

Chapter 1 Personality Dimensions

Basic Concepts

In the Pattern System, patterns represent dysfunctional behavior that causes

problems for us or for other people. For example, the People-Pleasing Pattern involves

being overly involved in pleasing others so that we don’t take care of our own needs. You

can think of patterns as defenses or dysfunctional behavior. Capacities are the ways we

feel and act that make our lives productive, connected, and happy. For example, the

Assertiveness Capacity involves exercising personal power to meet our needs and to

advocate for the way we think things should be done. The goal of the Pattern System is to

support us in transforming our functioning from (dysfunctional) patterns to (healthy)

capacities.

The Pattern System organizes these defensive patterns and healthy capacities

according to dimensions, which are areas of psychological functioning and experiencing

that are important for human well-being, such as intimacy, power, accomplishment, and

self-esteem.

The Structure of a Dimension

Each dimension in the Pattern System has a certain dialectical structure that

contains two or more conflicting patterns and two or more integrated capacities. Let’s

look at how each dimension is organized by using the Intimacy Dimension as an

example.

In the Intimacy Dimension, there are two complementary healthy capacities—

Intimacy and Self-Support.

The Intimacy Capacity involves the ability to be close to your partner through

affection, sharing, sex, love, and caring.

The Self-Support Capacity involves being able to take care of yourself and feel

solid and good, whether or not you are getting your needs met by your partner or

even if you aren’t in a relationship.

There are two problematic patterns in the Intimacy Dimension—Dependent and

Distancing.

The Dependent Pattern involves relying on your partner to take care of you and

make you feel OK about yourself. This can make it hard to leave a relationship that

isn’t right for you.

The Distancing Pattern involves avoiding intimacy. You might do this by

remaining distant within a love relationship, by avoiding commitment, or by

avoiding intimate relationships altogether.

Capacities Integrate

Self-Support is a complement to Intimacy. For healthy relating, you need both of

these capacities. Intimacy helps you be close to your partner, and Self-Support keeps you

from losing yourself in the closeness. If you have Self-Support, you won’t become overly

Dependent on your partner, and you won’t try to be overly Pleasing or Caretaking.

This is the nature of healthy capacities. Even though they represent polar

qualities, they naturally integrate with each other rather than opposing each other. That’s

why they are shown using a yin-yang symbol. They work together—both of them

supporting your flourishing. In the Intimacy Dimension, they help you flourish in a love

relationship. If you have both capacities, you enjoy love and intimacy while at the same

time being solid inside yourself in a way that doesn’t depend on this closeness.

Furthermore, true intimacy involves a relationship between two individuals—people who

are Self-Supporting and solid in themselves.

Patterns Conflict

The patterns on the left and right sides don’t integrate with each other in the way the

healthy capacities do. If you have both a Dependent Pattern and a Distancing Pattern,

they will be polarized,3 which means they will battle each other to determine how you

relate to others.

When both patterns are activated, you will have an inner conflict in which these two

parts of you are fighting each other to determine how much intimacy you will have. One

pattern reflects a desperate need for connection and nurturing, while the other involves

trying to avoid closeness out of fear. In some cases, this will manifest as alternating

between these extremes—one time being very needy and another time pushing your

partner away.

A Pattern Is a Dysfunctional Version

of the Same-Side Capacity

Distancing is a dysfunctional version of Self-Support—the capacity on the same side

of the chart. You may attempt to become Self-Supporting by cutting off your intimate

connection with your partner so you aren’t Dependent on him or her. You may stay away

from relationships altogether to cut off your needy longings so you can feel self-

sufficient. If you have true Self-Support, you won’t need to create distance out of a fear

of your Dependency needs.

Another way to say this is that Self-Support is the healthy version of Distancing,

where you don’t need to create distance to be autonomous.

The same relationship applies on the left side of each graphic. Dependence is a

dysfunctional version of Intimacy, the left-side capacity. Dependence is an attempt to be

intimate by needing excessive amounts of caring. However, Dependence often involves

losing yourself in the relationship, which makes it virtually impossible to have true

Intimacy because that requires both people to be present in the relationship with a sense

of themselves (Self-Support).

Another way to say this is that Intimacy is the healthy version of Dependence, where

you can have the closeness without losing your sense of self.

So on each side of the graphic, the capacity is a healthy version of the pattern, and

the pattern is a dysfunctional version of the capacity.

Capacities Resolve

the Opposite-Side Patterns

If you have the Distancing Pattern, you need to focus on developing Intimacy in

order to resolve or transform that pattern. Thus, the capacity on the opposite side of the

graphic is the one needed to transform a pattern. In order to develop Intimacy, you will

need the courage to work through your fears of closeness, reach out to your partner, allow

yourself to be vulnerable, and work through other difficulties that may arise.

The same applies on the other side. If you have a Dependent Pattern, you need Self-

Support to transform it, which is the capacity on the other side of the graphic. When you

are Self-Supporting, you have that internal sense of solidness and inner nurturing to keep

you from falling into Dependence.

Here is a graphic showing these additional relationships:

Chapter 2 The Interpersonal Dimensions

This chapter covers one group of dimensions—those that involve our relationships

with other people. Here is the chart showing all ten interpersonal dimensions with their

patterns and capacities.

We have already looked at the Intimacy Dimension in Chapter 1. The following are

brief descriptions of the other interpersonal dimensions:

Conflict. How do you deal with differences of opinion as well as desires,

disagreements, judgment, anger, and fights? Do you use avoidance tactics? Do you

become angry, blaming, or defensive? Can you communicate your concerns without

judgment and own your part in a problem? Do you become frightened or feel bad about

yourself? Can you bring up conflicts and set limits on attacks?

Power. How do you deal with power in your relationships? Do you give in too easily

to others or try too hard to please them? Do you need to be in control? Do you feel as

though you must stand up for yourself against people you view as dominating? Do you

frustrate others without realizing why? Can you assert yourself? Can you work with

people in a spirit of cooperation?

Care. How do you balance your needs versus other people’s needs? Do you end up

taking care of others rather than yourself? Do people tell you that you don’t show enough

care or concern for them?

Social. How do you relate to people socially? Are you outgoing or shy, scared or

confident in reaching out to people or making conversation? Are you self-effacing or

charming, attention seeking or avoiding? Are you overly oriented toward performance in

the way you relate to others, or are you more genuine?

Strength. How do you deal with self-protection and assertiveness in situations that

can bring up anger? Do you dump your anger on people? Do you disown your anger and

therefore lose your strength? Can you be centered and communicate clearly when you are

angry? Can you be strong and forceful without being reactive?

Trust. Are you usually trusting of people, or do you easily get suspicious? Can you

perceive when someone isn’t trustworthy, or are you gullible?

Honesty. Are you honest with people, or do you try to deceive them to get your

way? Can you be tactful along with being honest, or do you become judgmental and

insensitive to your effect on others?

Evaluation. Can you see people clearly, or do you tend to idealize certain people?

Can you appreciate people for who they are, or do you tend to be judgmental of them?

Responsibility. How do you deal with being in charge of, and responsible for, what

happens in your life? Do you take a powerless victim stance? Do you think you can

control everything that happens?

Each of these dimensions has the same structure as the Intimacy Dimension.

Now we will look at each dimension in more detail. I have left out the Intimacy

Dimension because it was covered in detail in Chapter 1.

The Conflict Dimension

In the Conflict Dimension, there are three complementary healthy capacities—

Good Communication, Challenge, and Limit Setting.

The Good Communication Capacity involves: (1) the ability to listen to and

have empathy and compassion for the feelings and needs of someone you are in

conflict with, (2) the ability to communicate your own concerns without

judgment so that the other person is likely to be able to hear them, and (3) the

willingness to own your part in the problem.

The Challenge Capacity involves the ability to bring up an issue that is

bothering you, assert yourself, and stand behind your feelings and needs without

being judgmental in the process.

The Limit Setting Capacity involves setting limits on other people attacking,

blaming, or dumping anger on you. It involves doing this in a way that protects

you without counterattacking and without being defensive.

Good Communication is a complement to Challenge and Limit Setting. For

healthy relating, you need capacities on both sides. Good Communication helps you

relate in an open and responsible way, and Challenge and Limit Setting help you assert

yourself and set boundaries when necessary.

There are three problematic patterns in the Conflict Dimension—Conflict-

Avoiding, Judgmental, and Defensive.

The Conflict-Avoiding Pattern involves not bringing up problems that might

lead to conflict and avoiding conflicts that other people bring up.

The Judgmental Pattern involves blaming the other person, seeing them as

being the entire cause of the problem, and being angry at them.

The Defensive Pattern involves focusing solely on defending yourself from

perceived accusations by another person rather than listening to them.

The Power Dimension

In the Power Dimension, there are two healthy capacities that complement each

other—Cooperation and Assertiveness.

The Cooperation Capacity involves the ability to be receptive and work well

with others.

The Assertiveness Capacity involves the ability to think and act for yourself

and to exert power to get what you want, protect yourself, or achieve what you

think is right.

Cooperation is a complement to Assertiveness. For healthy relating, you need

capacities on both sides. Cooperation helps you work with people in a connected way,

and Assertiveness helps you express yourself and your personal power.

There are four problematic patterns in the Power Dimension—People-Pleasing,

Passive-Aggressive, Controlling, and Rebel.

The People-Pleasing Pattern involves complying with what other people want

and trying to make them happy.

The Passive-Aggressive Pattern involves outwardly attempting to please

people while rebelling against them in subtle ways that leave them frustrated and

confused.

The Controlling Pattern involves being dominant and demanding, and

expecting to have things your way.

The Rebel Pattern involves rebelling against other people’s power in an

attempt to preserve your autonomy.

The Care Dimension

In the Care Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Caring and Self-Care.

The Caring Capacity involves being compassionate, nurturing, and empathic.

You want the best for others and help them when you are needed.

The Self-Care Capacity involves knowing what you need or want and being

able to ask for it or take steps to get it.

There are three problematic patterns in the Care Dimension—Caretaking, Self-

Absorbed, and Entitled.

The Caretaking Pattern involves caring for and helping others to the

exclusion of your own needs and even sometimes without being aware of

whether they want help.

The Self-Absorbed Pattern involves being so focused on your own needs that

you are unaware of other people’s feelings, needs, and boundaries.

The Entitled Pattern involves treating other people as extensions of

yourself—as objects who are only there to meet your needs.

The Social Dimension

In the Social Dimension, there are two healthy capacities that complement each

other—Genuine and Social Confidence.

The Genuine Capacity involves relating to people in an authentic, contactful

way that reflects your true feelings.

The Social Confidence Capacity involves being outgoing and expressive, and

enjoying social and work connections.

There are two problematic patterns in the Social Dimension—Self-Effacing and

Charmer.

The Self-Effacing Pattern involves being shy, awkward, or withdrawn and

avoiding reaching out to people or expressing yourself in social and work

situations.

The Charmer Pattern involves being seductive, entertaining, charismatic,

flattering, or humorous in an attempt to manipulate people to get attention and

admiration.

The Strength Dimension

In the Strength Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Centered and

Strength.

The Centered Capacity involves being grounded and not getting triggered by

other people’s actions. Therefore, you don’t overreact in anger or act out anger in

a destructive way.

The Strength Capacity involves being powerful, firm, and energetic—being

able to protect yourself or others, set limits, and assert yourself without being

reactive. It also involves having passion, vitality, and life energy.

There are two problematic patterns in the Strength Dimension—Disowned Anger

and Angry.

The Disowned Anger Pattern involves ignoring and suppressing your anger,

with the result that you don’t have the strength to assert yourself, set limits, or

have passion or vitality.

The Angry Pattern involves overreacting with anger—being hostile, rageful,

vengeful, and possibly even violent.

The Trust Dimension

In the Trust Dimension of the Pattern System, there are two healthy capacities—

Trust and Perceptiveness.

The Trust Capacity involves the ability to trust people so that you can connect

with them unless there is evidence that they can’t be trusted.

The Perceptiveness Capacity involves the ability to see people clearly—their

strengths, weaknesses, potential, and whether it is safe to connect with them.

There are two problematic patterns in the Trust Dimension—Gullible and

Suspicious.

The Gullible Pattern involves a naive trust that allows people to deceive and

exploit you.

The Suspicious Pattern involves an inability to trust people who are

trustworthy and a tendency to constantly look for ways that people aren’t being

honest or straightforward. This often put people off and makes them more wary

of you, causing them to be less honest.

In this way, the Suspicious Pattern can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the

very behavior that is supposed to protect against a fear outcome actually creates it. This is

fairly common with patterns.

The Honesty Dimension

In the Honesty Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Tact and Honesty.

The Tact Capacity involves knowing how to say what you believe or feel in a

way that minimizes the chance of hurting someone.

The Honesty Capacity involves being truthful and open except when it would

cause harm.

There are two problematic patterns in the Honesty Dimension—Deceptive and

Blunt.

The Deceptive Pattern involves lying to people or deceiving them in order to

gain something or protect yourself.

The Blunt Pattern involves saying what you feel or believe without concern

for whether it hurts someone.

The Evaluation Dimension

In the Evaluation Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Appreciation and

Perceptiveness.

The Appreciation Capacity involves the ability to appreciate people for who

they are and to express this to them.

The Perceptiveness Capacity involves the ability to see people clearly—both

their strengths and weaknesses.

There are two problematic patterns in the Evaluation Dimension—Idealizing and

Judgmental.

The Idealizing Pattern involves seeing people as more advanced, enlightened,

wonderful, or powerful than they are.

The Judgmental Pattern involves being critical of people and only focusing

on what is wrong with them. This pattern may also possibly involve being

arrogant and condescending.

The Responsibility Dimension

In the Responsibility Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Surrender and

Responsibility.

The Surrender Capacity involves being able to yield to the flow of events in

your life. You recognize that events sometimes move in unexpected directions

and that you can’t always control what happens to you. You don’t try to control

everything in your life. Instead, you allow yourself to flow with what is

happening in the moment, surfing the waves of change.

The Responsibility Capacity involves being in charge of your life and having

the attitude that you are responsible for getting what you want and protecting

yourself from harm, within the limits of what a person can do. You are an active

agent in your life.

There are three problematic patterns in the Responsibility Dimension—Victim,

Powerless, and Controlling.

The Victim Pattern involves playing victim—believing that you are the victim

of other people’s harmful behavior, your life circumstances, or your own

psychological pain, and there is nothing you can do about it. You are attached to

the idea that people have done you wrong and harbor an unconscious hope that

they will recognize this and take care of you. This pattern sometimes originates

in circumstances in which you really were the victim of circumstances and had

no power to change them. According to the Pattern System, you have the Victim

Pattern only if you now have the power to change your life but are nonetheless

invested in seeing yourself as a victim.

The Powerless Pattern involves allowing yourself to be powerless and at the

effect of other people or situations while not taking any responsibility for

changing your situation or making your life work, even when you could. This is

different from the Victim Pattern because you don’t have any investment in

being a victim.

The Controlling Pattern involves believing that you can or should always

control your situation and other people. You try to do that even when it is

impossible and when it creates problems because you don’t flow with events.

Summary

Here is a summary of the patterns in the Interpersonal Dimension Group using a

short statement that someone with each pattern might say.

Intimacy

Intimacy-Avoiding: “It’s not safe to be close to you.”

Dependent: “I need you to feel whole.”

Conflict

Conflict-Avoiding: “Let’s not deal with that problem.”

Judgmental: “It’s your fault.”

Defensive: “It’s not my fault.”

Power People-Pleasing: “I’ll do it your way.”

Passive-Aggressive: “I’ll do it your way, and then I’ll frustrate you.”

Controlling: “Do it my way.”

Rebel: “Don’t tell me what to do.”

Care

Caretaking: “I’ll take care of you.”

Self-Absorbed: “My needs are the important thing.”

Entitled: “You and I are one, and I’m the one.”

Social

Self-Effacing: “I’ll stay in the background.”

Charmer: “Look at how entertaining I am!”

Strength

Angry: “I’m angry at you.”

Disowned Anger: “That doesn’t bother me.”

Trust Suspicious: “I don’t trust you.”

Gullible: “I trust you implicitly.”

Honesty

Deceptive: “I didn’t do anything.”

Blunt: “I’ll tell you what I think no matter what the consequences.”

Evaluation

Idealizing: “You are wonderful.”

Judgmental: “I see what is wrong with you.”

Responsibility

Victim: “You have wronged me.”

Powerless: “I can’t make my life work.”

Controlling: “I can make my life just the way I want it to be.”

Chapter 3 The Inner Critic Dimensions

The dimensions in this chapter are oriented toward my work on Inner Critic parts.

The first dimension is about Inner Critics and Self-Esteem in general, and the others

involve the various types of Inner Critics that are described in Freedom From Your Inner

Critic4 and Activating Your Inner Champion Instead of Your Inner Critic.

5

To clarify, the first dimension focuses on self-judgment and self-esteem without

focusing on the specific way in which the judgment is occurring, while the other eight

dimensions are the arenas in which self-judgment usually happens.

These dimensions aren’t just about self-judgment; each of them has its own issues

independent of self-judgment. For example, in the Accomplishment Dimension, there is

the Taskmaster Pattern, which is behind workaholism and the Procrastination Pattern,

which is the opposite, where you avoiding getting tasks done.

Here is a chart of these dimensions:

Here are brief descriptions of these dimensions:

Self-Esteem. Do you feel good about yourself, or do you frequently judge

yourself? Do you accept yourself as you are? Do you try to prop up your self-esteem with

pride? How do you deal with improving yourself?

Accomplishment. Are you confident in working on and accomplishing tasks? Do

you procrastinate? Do you push or judge yourself to try to get things done or to achieve,

or can you accomplish with ease?

Quality. How do you deal with producing quality work? Are you sloppy? Are

you overly concerned with producing perfect work? Can you work with ease and still do

an excellent job?

Risk. How do you deal with taking risks in your life? Do you have the courage to

take risks in order to move forward in your life? Do you take foolhardy risks, or are you

prudent? Or do you avoid all risks and therefore become paralyzed in your life? Are you

afraid of situations that aren’t really risky? Do you try to arrange your life to eliminate all

risk?

Individuality. How do you deal with being yourself versus fitting in to your

family or culture? Do you cling to tradition as a conformist, or can you be yourself even

when that means going outside the mores of your family or culture? Can you integrate

with the positive traditions of your culture, or are you rebellious no matter what the cost?

Pleasure. How do you deal with food, drink, sex, and other bodily pleasures? Do

you indulge in harmful ways? Do you control yourself rigidly to avoid such indulgence?

Do you bounce back and forth between overindulging and castigating yourself for it?

Conscience. How do you deal with the possibility that you have hurt others or

violated your values? Do you feel so guilty that you can’t forgive yourself, or do you just

feel a reasonable degree of remorse and desire to make amends? Or are you so callous

that you don’t care how you impact others? Can you forgive yourself? Can you accept

yourself when faced with guilt tripping from others?

Energy. How do you deal with your energy and aliveness? Can you be both

peaceful and energetic? Do you get agitated and manic? Or are you low-energy and

depressed?

Decision. How do you deal with decision making? Are you impulsive, or can you

be thoughtful about decisions when necessary? Are you decisive, or do you constantly

doubt your decisions?

Now let’s look at each of these dimensions in turn, starting with the Self-Esteem

Dimension.

The Self-Esteem Dimension

In the Self-Esteem Dimension of the Pattern System, there are two healthy

capacities—Self-Reflection and Self-Esteem. Each of those is also associated with a

healthy aspect of yourself that gives you positive messages—the Inner Mentor and the

Inner Champion.

The Self-Reflection Capacity involves being able to look at yourself and be

aware of your strengths and limitations without judgment. Your Inner

Mentor helps you deal with ways of behaving that aren’t what you would like. It

helps you work to improve yourself while also accepting yourself just as you are.

It supports you in making changes in caring, encouraging ways.

The Self-Esteem Capacity involves feeling good about yourself just as you

are. Your Inner Champion supports you in being yourself and feeling good

about yourself.

There are three problematic patterns in the Self-Esteem Dimension—Inner Critic,

Prideful, and Inner Defender.

The Inner Critic Pattern involves judging yourself so you feel bad about

yourself—worthless, inadequate, stupid, wrong, ashamed, guilty, and so on. This

pattern may also involve pushing yourself to be a certain way or doubting

yourself.

The Prideful Pattern involves inflating your self-esteem based on qualities

you may not have, coupled with a tendency to look down on others. This pattern

can also involve a distorted emphasis on engaging in activities aimed at puffing

up your self-esteem.

The Inner Defender Pattern involves arguing with or fighting your Inner

Critic—trying to convince it that you are OK or rebelling against it.

The Accomplishment Dimension

In the Accomplishment Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Work

Confidence and Ease.

The Work Confidence Capacity involves having confidence that you can

work well, accomplish tasks, and produce quality work.

The Ease Capacity involves accomplishing tasks in a relaxed, easy way,

without stress or striving. Your work flows naturally, and you don’t need to aim

for perfection. You have a realistic perspective on the requirements for producing

a quality result. You balance your work with the rest of your life.

There are two problematic patterns in the Accomplishment Dimension—

Taskmaster and Procrastination.

The Taskmaster Pattern involves pushing yourself unmercifully to overwork,

often in an attempt to be very successful, and judging yourself harshly whenever

you don’t.

The Procrastination Pattern involves avoiding tasks that need to be done.

The Quality Dimension

In the Quality Dimension of the Pattern System, there are two healthy capacities

that complement each other—Ease and Quality.

The Quality Capacity involves being able to work with deep care and

devotion for what you produce, and taking pride in the quality of the work you

create.

The Ease Capacity involves being in the flow and doing your work calmly and

efficiently.

There are two problematic patterns in the Quality Dimension—Perfectionist and

Sloppy.

The Perfectionist Pattern involves believing you must always do everything

perfectly and that it’s never okay to make a mistake.

The Sloppy Pattern involves not caring enough about the quality of your work

or appearance—perhaps working too quickly, avoiding effort, or having low

standards.

The Risk Dimension

In the Risk Dimension of the Pattern System, there are two healthy capacities that

complement each other—Prudence and Courage.

The Prudence Capacity involves being careful to take risks that are likely to

succeed and not taking risks that are unnecessarily dangerous.

The Courage Capacity involves being able to take the risks that are needed in

order to be in the world and move your life ahead.

There are four problematic patterns in the Risk Dimension—Underminer,

Obsessive-Compulsive, Phobic, and Reckless.

The Underminer is an Inner Critic that tells you that you don’t have what it

takes to be successful, so your confidence is undermined. You are so tied in

knots that you become timid, frightened, and insecure. As a result, you don’t

assert yourself, become visible, or take any risks to advance yourself or to take

responsibility for your life.

The Obsessive-Compulsive Pattern involves having obsessive thoughts that

keep circling in your head or compulsive behavior patterns that are intended to

keep your life perfectly under control in order to ward off feared consequences.

The Phobic Pattern involves being anxious about situations in your life and

therefore avoiding them, even when they don’t involve any realistic risk. It can

mean avoiding going out into the world or avoiding certain situations that

frighten you.

The Reckless Pattern involves taking risks without regard for the

consequences and putting yourself in unnecessary danger. This pattern can

sometimes even involve being counterphobic.

The Individuality Dimension

In the Individuality Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Cultural

Integration and Individuality.

The Cultural Integration Capacity involves respecting the positive traditions

of your society and your cultural heritage and being integrated into your culture

without giving up your uniqueness.

The Individuality Capacity involves being able to truly be yourself, even

when this means not being completely aligned with the traditions of your

subculture.

There are two problematic patterns in the Individuality Dimension—Conformist

and Rebel.

The Conformist is an Inner Critic that demands that you conform to your

cultural traditions. You cling to the beliefs and behaviors of your family and

culture without examining them to see if they are good for you or your

community.

The Rebel Pattern involves defying tradition in extreme ways or rebelling

even when you might have agreed with the person or group you are rebelling

against. It may also involve being focused on your way of doing things to such

an extreme degree that you fail to appreciate the positive traditions and ways of

being of your culture.

The Pleasure Dimension

In the Pleasure Dimension of the Pattern System, there are two healthy

capacities—Conscious Consumption and Pleasure.

The Conscious Consumption Capacity involves being grounded and solid

enough that you don’t need to overdo any pleasures. You can be conscious about

how you consume or partake of pleasure so that you don’t do anything that

causes you harm.

The Pleasure Capacity involves being open to the sensuality of eating,

sexuality, movement, touch, and all the bodily senses.

There are two problematic patterns in the Pleasure Dimension—Inner Controller

and Indulger.

The Inner Controller Pattern involves trying to manage or stop indulging,

and doing it in a harsh, rigid, or extreme way. It involves judging and shaming

yourself whenever you indulge.

The Indulger Pattern involves overdoing eating, sex, drinking, shopping,

gambling, or other possibly addictive activities.

The Conscience Dimension

In the Conscience Dimension, there are three healthy capacities—Remorse, Self-

Forgiveness, and Self-Acceptance.

The Remorse Capacity involves feeling bad to an appropriate degree when

you have harmed someone or have violated your own values and wanting to

make amends and change your behavior in the future.

The Self-Forgiveness Capacity involves the ability to forgive yourself for

harming others or violating your values as long as you are intending to change

your behavior or make amends.

The Self-Acceptance Capacity involves being able to accept yourself as you

are without judgment or guilt when other people are trying to make you feel

guilty. You can accept yourself because you are working on making amends and

changing or because what you did is actually in line with your own values.

There are two problematic patterns in the Conscience Dimension—Guilt Tripper

and Callous.

The Guilt Tripper is an Inner Critic that makes you feel guilty for something

you have done, even when it isn’t your fault or you were true to your own values.

It may be unwilling to forgive you for something you did no matter what amends

or changes you make.

The Callous Pattern involves not caring or taking responsibility for how you

impact other people or whether your behavior violates your values, or perhaps

not even having any values to constrain your behavior.

The Energy Dimension

In the Energy Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Peace and Aliveness.

The Peace Capacity involves the ability to be quiet and calm, unruffled by

external events or internal emotional reactions.

The Aliveness Capacity involves being vital and energetic, and having the

ability to be excited about your life. You also know that you have the right to be

here and take up space.

There are four problematic patterns in the Energy Dimension—Destroyer,

Depressed, Anxious, and Manic.

The Destroyer is an Inner Critic that squashes your energy and tells you that

you don’t have the right to exist. It is profoundly shaming.

The Depressed Pattern involves feeling hopeless about your future, bad about

yourself, and low on energy. You often find it hard to function, and you feel

worthless. This pattern can be produced by the Destroyer.

The Anxious Pattern involves being anxious and nervous most of the time or

suffering from panic attacks at times. You may not know what you are anxious

about, or your degree of anxiety may be much greater than the situation warrants.

The Manic Pattern involves being agitated and overly speedy, not being able

to relax, and being driven to excesses of action, often without consideration for

the consequences.

The Decision Dimension

In the Decision Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Thoughtfulness and

Decisiveness.

The Thoughtfulness Capacity involves considering your decisions carefully

before you make them and, when appropriate, thinking before you act.

The Decisiveness Capacity involves being able to make decisions and take action

without undue delay or worry.

There are two problematic patterns in the Decision Dimension—Doubter and

Impulsive.

The Doubter Pattern involves frequent doubting of your decisions, which makes

it hard to make them, and often obsessing about a decision both before and after it is

made for fear that it is wrong.

The Impulsive Pattern involves acting precipitously and without thought in ways

that cause you trouble.

Summary

Here is a summary of the patterns in the Inner Critic Dimension Group using a

short statement that someone with each pattern might say.

Self-Esteem

Inner Critic: “You are inadequate.” (said to self)

Prideful: “Look how great I am.”

Defensive: “You are wrong. I’m OK.” (said to Critic)

Accomplishment

Taskmaster: “You aren’t working hard enough.” (said to self)

Procrastinator: “I want to avoid that task.”

Quality

Perfectionist: “That’s not good enough.”

Sloppy: “Don’t worry about quality; just get it done.”

Risk

Underminer: “You can’t do it. Don’t take a risk.” (said to self)

Obsessive-Compulsive: “Better make sure things are safe.”

Phobic: “I’m afraid to try that.”

Reckless: “Let’s try anything.”

Individuality

Conformist: “Make sure to fit in.” (said to self)

Rebel: “Don’t tell me who to be.”

Pleasure

Inner Controller: “Don’t indulge in that.” (said to self)

Indulger: “I need that.”

Conscience

Guilt Tripper: “You should feel bad about what you did.” (said to self)

Callous: “I don’t care who gets hurt.”

Energy

Destroyer: “You shouldn’t exist.” (said to self)

Depressed: “My life is hopeless.”

Anxious: “I’m worried about that.”

Manic: “Woo hoo! I can do anything!”

Decision

Doubter: “Are you sure that is a good idea?”

Impulsive: “Let’s do it now!”

Chapter 4 The Personal Dimensions

This group contains the rest of the dimensions. We start with a chart.

Here are brief descriptions of the dimensions:

Change. How do you deal with the process of personal change? Do you work

well on personal growth, and can you be at ease with the process? Do you push yourself

impatiently to change? Do you avoid growth work or sabotage your efforts to change?

Hope. Are you hopeful about the future yet realistic about what can happen? Do

you tend to pessimistically expect the worst? Or are you lost in pipe dreams, being

naively optimistic about the future without considering the difficulties?

Reason/Emotion. How much are you oriented toward reason versus emotion?

Are you emotionally open, or do you get lost in your head? Are you able to think clearly,

or do you get carried away by your emotions? Do you go numb to block off your

emotions?

Coherence. Can you be creative and still clear? Or do you slide into fogginess,

confusion, forgetfulness, and distraction? Do you get so rigidly focused that it blocks

your creativity?

Vision. Do you have the vision to see the bigger picture of your life or other

questions? Can you also deal with matters in a practical way, or are your visions

impractical? Are you overly practical or mechanical so that you are lacking in vision?

Resilience/Sensitivity. Do you bounce back from pain or difficulty, or are you

fragile and easily overwhelmed by feelings and external stimuli? Are you sensitive

emotionally, intuitively, and spiritually, or are you closed?

The Change Dimension

The Change Dimension deals with how people work to make changes in their

behavior, feelings, and other aspects of their lives. This dimension comes front and center

when a person is in psychotherapy or coaching, involved with personal growth, or on a

spiritual path.

It mirrors the Accomplishment Dimension in the previous chapter, except here

you are dealing with accomplishing personal change as opposed to getting a task done.

To show this commonality, I use somewhat similar names for patterns and capacities.

There are two healthy capacities in the Change Dimension—Change

Accomplishment and Process Ease.

The Change Accomplishment Capacity involves working well to create

personal changes—tackling the emotional issues that need attention, keeping

track of your work, being committed to working on yourself in your life outside

of sessions, and so on.

The Process Ease Capacity involves being able to relax and flow with the

therapeutic process, growth process, or other means of working on yourself

without needing to push it.

There are three problematic patterns in this dimension—Change Taskmaster,

Change Procrastination, and Change-Avoiding.

The Change Taskmaster Pattern involves impatiently pushing yourself to

change. You try to blast past defenses, prematurely tackle trauma, and judge

yourself for not moving fast enough. This actually slows down the change

process.

The Change Procrastination Pattern involves avoiding working on yourself.

It may mean not reaching out to a therapist or coach, avoiding personal growth

homework, not being aware of how a pattern plays out in your life, or avoiding

self-therapy sessions.

The Change-Avoiding Pattern involves being attached to the status quo or

invested in being wounded or dysfunctional. Even though consciously you might

want to change, a hidden part of you sabotages your growth or healing process so

that nothing really changes. This part is attached to your identity as a wounded

person or is afraid of the unknown changes that will happen when you grow.

This is a key pattern for therapists and coaches to understand because when a

client has the Change-Avoiding Pattern, their healing or progress will be blocked

until the pattern is recognized and dealt with. It can be similar to the Victim

Pattern except that here there is no feeling of being wronged.

The Hope Dimension

In the Hope Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Realism and Hope.

The Realism Capacity involves clearly seeing the difficulties you are facing in

a given situation and acting accordingly.

The Hope Capacity involves having a constructive attitude toward the future.

In some cases, when there is good evidence for it, it involves being optimistic.

When the future isn’t clear, it involves doing your best to bring about the

outcome you desire without worrying about how likely it is.

There are two problematic patterns in the Hope Dimension—Pessimistic and Pipe

Dream.

The Pessimistic Pattern involves looking only for problems and expecting

things to not work out, even when there isn’t evidence for this outcome. It can

also mean feeling hopeless about your future.

The Pipe Dream Pattern involves being naively optimistic about the future

without considering the difficulties.

Examining these carefully, you will see that Pessimism is not really just an

extreme version of Realism—it is a distorted version of it. In this case, the distortion is

that you have such an overemphasis on being realistic about problems that you focus too

much on them and become pessimistic. It is often the case that a pattern is really a

distorted version of the capacity, not just an extreme version of it.

The Reason/Emotion Dimension

In the Reason/Emotion Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Reason and

Emotion.

The Reason Capacity involves being able to think clearly and rationally,

including thinking about your emotions.

The Emotion Capacity involves being open to your feelings—being able to

understand and express your emotions.

There are three problematic patterns in this dimension—Overly Intellectual,

Labile, and Histrionic.

The Overly Intellectual Pattern involves being in your head to such an extent

that you are cut off from your emotional life.

The Numb Pattern involves blocking off your emotions.

The Labile Pattern involves being overwhelmed by intense emotions or being

carried away by your feelings so that you find it hard to function or think clearly.

The Histrionic Pattern involves being melodramatic about your emotions,

exaggerating them to get attention or for other unconscious reasons.

The Coherence Dimension

In the Coherence Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Clarity and

Creativity.

The Clarity Capacity involves being able to think clearly, see what is going

on, understand yourself, and be aware of your experience in the moment.

The Creativity Capacity involves being able to think outside the box, allow

artistic and other creative expression, and forge into new territory.

There are three problematic patterns in this dimension—Rigid, Foggy, and

Distracted.

The Rigid Pattern involves being so rigidly focused on one thing or one way

of thinking that there is no room for creativity or new ideas.

The Foggy Pattern involves being spaced out, sleepy, confused, lost in

thought, separated from your body, or dissociated in other ways.

The Distracted Pattern involves being distracted by noises or other stimuli,

thinking about irrelevant things, or otherwise losing your focus on the issue at

hand.

The Vision Dimension

In the Vision Dimension, there are two healthy capacities—Practicality and

Vision.

The Practicality Capacity involves being able to take the concrete steps to

make something happen, to deal with day-to-day difficulties, and to be realistic

about what is doable.

The Vision Capacity involves being able to see the big picture with

imagination and wisdom—to envision how you want your life to unfold and to

hold a broad view of any question or situation.

There are two problematic patterns in the Vision Dimension—Plodding and Pipe

Dream.

The Plodding Pattern involves having no idea that your life could be better

and no vision to take you out of a mundane, boring existence. It can also involve

focusing so much on practicality that it prevents you from seeing a larger vision

for your life.

The Pipe Dream Pattern involves not being realistic about what can happen,

not dealing with difficulties that must be overcome or your own shortcomings,

and instead fantasizing about the future in unrealistic ways.

The Resilience/Sensitivity Dimension

The Resilience/Sensitivity Dimension involves two healthy capacities—

Resilience and Sensitivity.

The Resilience Capacity involves having the inner strength to handle hurt and

pain and recover from external problems or trauma.

The Sensitivity Capacity involves being open emotionally, spiritually,

intuitively, and with your senses. You are sensitive and attuned to other people and the

world.

There are two problematic patterns in this dimension—Closed and Fragile.

The Closed Pattern involves being shut down emotionally, being closed off

spiritually and intuitively, and having your senses dulled.

The Fragile Pattern involves being easily triggered by other people’s reactions,

external stimuli, internal feelings, and even sometimes environmental toxins. You have a

hard time dealing with a variety of things that don’t bother other people very much.

Summary

Here is a summary of the patterns in the Personal Dimension Group using a short

statement that someone with each pattern might say.

Change

Change Taskmaster: “Let’s get moving. I want to grow quickly.”

Change Procrastination: “I don’t want to deal with that painful issue.”

Change Avoiding: “I am afraid of changing.”

Hope

Pessimistic: “I don’t think that will work out.”

Pipe Dream: “Things will be wonderful!”

Reason/Emotion

Overly Intellectual: “Let’s figure this out rationally without emotions getting in the way.”

Numb: “I don’t want to feel anything.”

Labile: “I feel overwhelmed by my emotions.”

Histrionic: “Look how intensely I feel about that!”

Coherence

Rigid: “I will stick to my focus no matter what is happening.”

Foggy: “I’m lost and confused, and I don’t know what is going on.”

Distracted: “Look at that interesting thing over there.”

Vision

Plodding: “Nose to the grindstone.”

Pipe Dream: “Anything is possible.”

Resilience/Sensitivity

Closed: “I don’t want to feel anything or sense anything.”

Fragile: “I feel like a raw wound.”

Chapter 5 The Pattern System

There is much more to the Pattern System than can be described in this report. To explore

it further, see these resources.

Visit the Pattern System website at www.patternsystem.com. The Pattern System

wiki at http://thepatternsystem.wikispaces.com contains the latest version in outline form.

Books, Audio Products, and Courses

The Pattern System: A Periodic Table for Psychology. An explanation of the

entire Pattern System, intended for both people who want to work on changing their

patterns and professionals who want to use the Pattern System in their work.

Conflict, Care, and Love: Transforming Your Relationship Patterns describes in

detail four of the ten interpersonal dimensions—Intimacy, Conflict, Power, and Care. It

will help you change your patterns to improve your relationships, and it will help you

understand your partner’s patterns. Later there will be a book on the other interpersonal

dimensions, followed by books on the other groups of dimensions.

Pattern Books. I have published five books that deal with specific patterns from

the Pattern System. Actually, each book covers one pattern and the healthy capacity that

transforms it. Each of the five books is connected to a workbook on the web that allows

you to actively work with this pattern and develop a practice for changing it and

manifesting the healthy capacity in your life. The books are Embracing Intimacy, Taking

Action (Procrastination), Letting Go of Perfectionism, Beyond Caretaking, and A Pleaser

No Longer.

Activating Your Inner Champion Instead of Your Inner Critic describes the

types of Inner Critics and allows you to profile your version of them in detail using a web

program. Each of the types has an Inner Champion that is the magic bullet for

transforming that particular type of Critic. From this book, you can also access a web

program to create and profile your unique Inner Champion for any of the Critics.

Inner Champion Meditations. Each healthy capacity has a corresponding Inner

Champion that supports you in developing and manifesting that capacity. Bonnie Weiss

and I have produced a series of recorded guided meditations for activating these Inner

Champions.

Pattern Meditations. We have also produced a series of guided meditations for

working with many of the Pattern System patterns using IFS.

All of these books and audio products (and others) are available at our online

store at http://www.personal-growth-programs.com/store.

I offer teleseminars and courses on various aspects of the Pattern System, which

are listed on the Pattern System website www.patternsystem.com. As the Pattern System

expands, workshops will also be offered, and the courses and workshops will be taught

by colleagues as well, and eventually by people who are trained as Pattern System

teachers. I offer professional trainings in how to apply the Pattern System in therapy and

coaching and also how to teach Pattern System classes.

Self-Therapy Journey

The most complete and powerful manifestation of the Pattern System is the

interactive online tool Self-Therapy Journey at www.selftherapyjourney.com. You can

use it to explore your patterns, heal them, and practice changing your behavior to healthy

capacities.

Self-Therapy Journey contains the most common of the patterns and their

corresponding healthy capacities. You can take a quiz to help you determine which

patterns you would like to explore. Then you can read about the pattern and use

checklists, fill-ins, images, and guided journaling to explore exactly how this pattern

appears in your psyche and your life.

You can explore the underlying motivations for your pattern, heal the wounds

from childhood that are behind it, and set up a detailed homework practice for changing

the pattern into the corresponding healthy capacity, with web support. Self-Therapy

Journey includes guided meditations based on Internal Family Systems Therapy to take

you into experiential work on each pattern, though it is compatible with a wide range of

therapeutic approaches.