Good news has to be shared doesn’t it, so here’s mine – I’m having a baby! How delighted my husband Paul and I am! It’s always a joy to hear of more babies being brought into the world, and this time again it’s us.

I married late, at 36, and had my sons Arnaud and Eric within two years. We always hoped for more children but I knew my fertility clock was ticking and it might not happen. But we tried, and we prayed. I was just starting to accept the reality that it probably would not happen and in a sense beginning to grieve the extra children we would not have, when it happened – I got pregnant.

I also turned 40 last month, which makes me 40, fertile and fabulous! The first few months of feeling rotten are now behind me and I am ridiculously proud of my swelling bump (mind you I’ve always had a healthy, but womanly, pot belly!) So

the baby is due in January. We won’t find out the sex but, if it’s a girl, she will be little Claire. And for a boy, well, prepare yourselves – Thibault! Yes, it’s a French name (chosen by my French husband of course) – a name he really wanted, so how could I say no? I have told my family they have five months to get used to the name. They responded by saying they are praying for a girl!

Little Claire or Thibault de Fombelle should arrive in January but I will keep editing this newsletter next year in between feeds and nappy changes.

I would love to hear the experiences of other Mums; your stories of having children or perhaps not being able to, or not having as many as you hoped for. God is good – so very good. I can’t help but feel so very grateful for the baby I am carrying, this miracle of life; yet another sign of God’s love for me and the world. A grateful heart is a good thing to have, and we have much to be grateful for.

Best wishes from my growing family to yours,

Felicity de Fombelle

A PRINCIPAL’S PERSPECTIVE

by Angus Tulley

IN THIS EDITIONThe Emotional Legacy of the Family ...............................................2

Life Lessons for Growing Souls ..3

The Genius of Marriage – A Social Science Perspective ......................4

Raising Thrifty Children ...............5

Having a Whinge - About Whinging! .......................................6

Finding Role Models for our Sons............................................................7Knowing what the school is trying to do with and for your child! ....8

Many of our Colleges will already have had their Year 12 Retreats for 2011. I’m preparing for our Retreat which starts in a few days time. This will be my 18th Year 12 Retreat. The first one was in 1976 as a student.

I would encourage parents to talk to their children and young adults about these experiences. Retreats and Reflection Days are a part of the fabric of our schools. They only come about through the generosity, vision and patience of staff and Retreat facilitators.

EDITOR’S NOTE

Making it Meaningful

Brother Marcellin Flynn is renowned for his studies of Catholic schools. In ‘The Culture of Catholic Schools’ (1993) he said: ‘no area of school life received such strong approval from students as their retreats’. There are many reasons why the Year 12 retreat is significant. The reality is that for many students it is the last time that they will be away together. It is also an opportunity to reflect on their time together and on significant occasions in their lives. They also have the opportunity to reflect on faith and in

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Making it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulMaking it MeaningfulYour Family, Your Faith

Issue Four

Finding Role Models for our Sons ............................................................4

FEATURE ARTICLE

A DAD’S PERSPECTIVE“THE EMOTIONAL LEGACY OF THE FAMILY” By Shawn van der Linden

In my last column I wrote about being intentional about the family heritage we want to leave our children and suggested that we think about it as having three dimensions: the spiritual, emotional and social legacy passed from parent to child.

Having considered spiritual family heritage last month, I now want to focus on another important question: What is the emotional legacy I am seeking to build for my family?

Prior to my current role I spent a number of years working with families as a counsellor at several Canberra high schools, which gave me a unique perspective on the positive and negative impact on children of the emotional legacy of the family. Wherever possible I sought to work with the broader family network, rather than just the young person. Often it was amazing to see how even slight shifts in the family dynamic could have a significant impact on the emotional wellbeing of a troubled teenager. This was a powerful lesson to me about why being intentional about the emotional heritage of the family matters so much.

A family that is successfully building a strong emotional legacy is one characterized by an environment of love and protection. It is this atmosphere which increases the “bounce back factor” (resilience) that is so critical for young people as they face the inevitable traumas of life.

When I think about this I can get somewhat worried about how we are tracking as a family. My wife and I get some things right, but of course we often get things wrong, especially when tired or stressed. Am I helping or hindering a strong emotional legacy for my children? This is a recurring question as a parent!

In their book Your Heritage, authors Ledbetter and Bruner provide a helpful checklist of some key indicators for creating a positive emotional legacy:

A strong emotional legacy:

• fosters confidence through stability

• nurtures a strong sense of positive identity, and

• demonstrates unconditional love

Conversely, a weak emotional legacy:

• breeds insecurity and fosters fearfulness

• undermines a healthy sense of personal worth, and

• communicates that a person doesn’t measure up.

It is good to have a list of practical ideas that you know work well in your family and build a strong emotional heritage. A good place to start is to identify what works well in your day to day family life.

One of our family practices I believe is “working well” in the emotional lives of our children is our habit of reading to them each evening before bed.

Don’t get me wrong, often it’s the last thing I feel like doing and if not for my wife’s commitment I don’t think it would have become so entrenched in our family. However, over time I have become more aware of the value of this simple daily ritual in the emotional lives of our children. It’s often at this time, and when the reading has finished, that our kids reveal to us what’s really going on in their hearts and minds. It’s a precious time, and we know it’s one we will look back on fondly long after the children have outgrown it!

many cases their image of God.

I do wonder how much they actually say when they get home from something as significant as a Year 12 Retreat? Parents, it may be worth having some questions to ask: What was the theme? Was there a booklet or did you use a journal? Who were the guest speakers? What made sense? Did you get to meet anyone that you hadn’t known before the Retreat? Was there a Mass? What was special about the Retreat?

I wouldn’t fire all the questions off in quick succession or you will be chided for conducting an interrogation, but it is useful to have some idea in terms of questions to ask so that you will be able to counter responses that are monosyllabic or vague. You also need to be careful because responses like ‘awesome’, ‘sick’ and ‘mad’ can mean the same thing and actually express a positive experience.

When do you ask about the Retreat? You need to choose your time carefully. Boys tend to talk better when they are moving, so perhaps strike up a conversation while you are out for a walk or out driving. The car can be a good place to talk as there is less need for eye contact. It is important to be seen to be interested without being seen to pry.

It is also good to remind our young people to thank those who make sacrifices so that they have the opportunity to attend Reflection Days and Retreats. Teachers and Retreat Facilitators don’t expect to be thanked but genuine expressions of appreciation never go astray!

A PRINCIPAL’S PERSPECTIVE...continued from cover

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A MUM’S PERSPECTIVE“LIFE LESSONS FOR GROWING SOULS” by Annabelle O’Connell

A time to chuckleA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and our sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill”.

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One of the hardest things I find doing is making my kids do something they don’t really want to.

I don’t mean like putting their stuff away when it’s strewn all over the lounge room or setting the table for dinner, I’m talking about when they’re either given an opportunity to try something new or the ‘new’ is forced upon them.

For example, I am not a fan of homework. I am of the opinion that when Pat and Gracie are home they’ve done their six hours and now, down tools. However, homework is a part of life, so, sadly for all of us, we do it. There are some weeks ‘as much as we can’ is all we do.

When they need help with homework, especially maths, by way of explanation from a complete goose who went to school 157,000 years ago (that would be me), it can get very emotional, and often for Pat and Grace too. It would be so much easier for me just to work it out and write it down for them, wouldn’t it? It would save all the tears, excuses, unwillingness, stomping off, etc. Big sigh. But I make them sit there and

listen to me.

Using maths homework as an example of an important life lesson for a growing soul might seem a bit tame, but truly, it can be quite the business in our house. Homework is a constant and this is where we’re at. Some of you in Yass probably heard a commotion yesterday afternoon? That was us.

There have also been a few times in their young lives where they have had opportunities to step out of their comfort zone, as it were. Both need a lot of encouragement to do this. I do feel rather mean looking at their tear stained little faces when Anthony and I say, ‘Well, actually, you are going to do it. No choice, sorry.’ As I said, this has not happened often, but I have a micro-heartbreak sometimes, seeing them so upset or anxious about something, knowing that they will be able to handle it, and not be able to really completely dissolve that shaky feeling for them.

And of course, there are going to be many more occasions I will be watching them going through the motions of self-doubt. I hope they can

get to a point where they know that wobbly feeling can turn to elation reasonably quickly, once they gather a bit more confidence about stepping out. I love that quote, ‘man cannot discover new oceans unless he has courage to lose sight of the shore’ (Andre Gide).

As a grown-up, let alone a parent, I know that encouraging them to extend themselves is important. I want them to cope with the unknown, and to get back up again when circumstances head south. I want them to be thoroughly resilient beings. Surely this comes little by little, from making them do homework they struggle with to dragging them to dancing or pressuring them to sign up for something they haven’t done before, don’t you think?

I question myself about when and how much to push Patrick and Gracie. I question Anthony about that too. I cannot imagine making choices like this without prayer. Without trying to sound too gorgeous, my faith gives me confidence to lose sight of their shore.

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St Clare’s CollegeA Spirited Learning Community

Marriage matters; that’s something we all agree on. In fact, a recent poll found that what Australians want most of all is a good marriage. A total of 83 per cent of respondents said that would be their greatest accomplishment, according to the latest AustraliaSCAN survey.

The genius of marriage, and the reason why every society throughout the ages has enshrined its importance in law and ritual, is that it gives children the very best chance to grow up in a secure and loving relationship with the child’s own two parents.

From every angle the opportunity to grow up in a secure relationship with one’s own mother and father has huge benefits for the child – educationally, physically and socially.

While we can’t always achieve the ideal – of a child receiving the equal love of its mother and father – it is good to bear in mind the facts about why a stable marriage between a child’s own two parents is of so much value to that child.

The document “21 Reasons why Marriage Matters” (prepared by NMCA) comprises a range of research about marriage to mount a convincing argument about the benefits of marriage for children and parents. The value to children includes such things as:

• Girls whose parents marry and stay married are three times less likely to end up young ,unwed mothers;

• When a child’s parents fail to marry and stay married, that

child is statistically more likely to experience “deep and persistent poverty”, even after factoring race and family background;

• The divorce or non-marriage of parents is likely to have a “significant, long-term negative impact” on children’s educational attainment;

• Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than children in other relationships;

• Children born to married parents have lower rates of infant mortality;

• Children whose parents marry and stay married have lower rates of substance abuse and are less likely to experiment with tobacco or alcohol;

• Children whose parents marry and stay married have lower rates of psychological distress and mental illness;

• Boys raised in stable marriages are less likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behaviour;

• Children living with their married parents are at less risk of child

abuse.

Not only does the marriage of a child’s parents benefit the child; it benefits each of the parents as well.

• Married couples have higher quality relationships than couples who live together, with less conflict, less violence and higher levels of satisfaction and commitment;

• Married couples are wealthier;

• Married men appear to have greater work commitment, lower quit rates, and healthier and more stable personal routines;

• Married people, especially men, have longer life expectancies than singles;

• Married men and women have better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability;

• Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting mothers.

* www.marriage.org.au

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“THE GENIUS OF MARRIAGE – A SOCIAL SCIENCE PERSPECTIVE”

“RAISING THRIFTY CHILDREN”

by Mary Cooney

You are at the shops with your kids when, all of a sudden, they are yanking you towards the toy section, imploring you to buy yet another Star Wars figure, doll, Lego set or glossy piece of plastic that catches their fancy.

As you look at the price tag, your children redouble their assault, firing a barrage of reasons why they absolutely need that toy.

Do you: a) Throw the toy into your trolley to make them happy and preserve your sanity; b) Tell them you’ll buy it for their birthday, and promise donuts if they don’t nag; c) Drag your whining children from the shop vowing never to return.

Believe it or not, such times are valuable teaching moments. They can be the beginnings of helping your child to grow in patience, develop self-control, manage peer-pressure, and learn to be financially responsible. But, only if you can lovingly but firmly say, “No, not now. No nagging, no negotiating. We’ll talk about it later”.

Here are some ideas on how to turn your shopping trips into life-long lessons for your kids.

Distinguish between wants and needs. One way to avoid spoiling

your children is to teach them in words and deeds that needs are important, and wants are superfluous. Assure them you’ll do your best to supply their needs. Leave it to friends and relatives, birthdays and Christmas, to supply their wants.

Avoid buying expensive character-themed items and brand-name clothes. This further develops the idea of wants vs. needs. A child needs toothpaste. He wants the tube with Bob the Builder on it, but does he need the more expensive toothpaste? Point out to your kids you’re just wasting money on a label. It’s about learning to follow rational thinking over immediate desires. And it becomes a habit that affects the rest of their lives.

Delay the gratification. Our kids are growing up in an instant and therefore impatient generation – they have access to instant photos, messaging and movies. Teach them to wait for the things they want but don’t need, and they’ll appreciate it more when they get it.

Shop with a list and if it’s not on the list, don’t buy it. This helps you to

keep impulse shopping in check, and makes it clear to your children what you will and will not be buying for them.

Teach your child the value of a dollar. When your child is old enough to use money, give them a small, very modest allowance. For as the wise old saying goes, to teach your son the value of a dollar, give him a dime. Give it to them bi-monthly or monthly so they will have to wait a while if they spend all their money. Give them their allowance in dollar coins. This way, when they use it, they see how quickly those coins disappear. Encourage them to save a portion each time, to think very carefully about how they will spend it and to be generous in buying little gifts for siblings and others.

* This article, by Mary Cooney, appeared on MercatorNet.com Look for more Thrifty Tips in Issue Five next month.

Meet Umbert the Unborn, the feisty comic strip character who demands respect. His mother’s womb is his private universe, playground and think-tank. Created in 2001, Umbert will be a regular feature of the newsletter

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UMBERT THE UNBORN

FAMILY MATTERS“HAVING A WHINGE – ABOUT WHINGING!” by Cathy Drumore

The issue which probably causes the most angst in our house is chores. Despite a roster system, I can guarantee that a reminder that chores must be done before electronic devices can be played will result in a spate of complaints ranging from doing chores in general (“None of my friends have to”) to the unfairness of specific chores (cleaning bathrooms is harder than picking up toys, etc). My eldest three girls do school debating – they obviously get plenty of practice at home!

Next to the English, Australians are renowned for the ancient art of the whinge. The problem with whinging, though, is that it achieves very little in most cases – unless it’s solution focussed, which the chore whinge is not. Chores still have to be done – and properly – or there are natural (and enforced) consequences. If the child who does the dishes is slack,

for example, we sometimes end up with no spoons for breakfast the next morning. Then there IS whinging!

Constant negativity can be so draining. As a parent and Welfare Teacher I find that teenagers can be difficult to deal with, as whinging and self-obsession can be a part of their journey through adolescence. However, as adults we need to be careful we don’t fall into the same habit. My worst workplaces have been where my colleagues were negative about everything and everyone. Alternatively, I remember enjoying my (relatively dull) job at Uni sorting mail in the early hours of the morning because the staff were so humorous and positive.

We are meant to be developing resilience in our children. To me, that means encouraging kids not to whinge but to develop a “the sooner it’s done, the sooner I can do something I like” mentality. Of

course, that’s good advice for me, too. There’s the parable Jesus told about the two sons whose father told them to do a chore. One agreed but didn’t do it. The other refused (whinged, I’ll be guessing) but later thought better of it and did the chore after all. I have to concede that washing nappies ranks pretty low on my list of desirable activities. But if I don’t do it - well, I’d rather not speculate further!

We need to look for solutions to our problems or accept those that don’t have any. Some things cannot and will not be changed. We can’t change another person, for example, and there are a number of Church teachings which will never change because Jesus knew what he was on about.

I’ve just realised I’ve written an opinion piece whinging about whinging! My positive solution? To stop now and attack those nappies instead!

FAMILY & FAITH“MARRIAGE AS SACRAMENT” by Archbishop Mark Coleridge

World Youth Day was held in Madrid which, like all

the big cities of Europe, is a real maelstrom of cultures, with traces of Castilian, Catalan and Basque to name a few. The one thing these cultures have in common is the sense of marriage and the family as a bedrock institution. For them, marriage and the family presume the complementarity of man and woman; a stable marriage is the best environment in which to raise children and marriage has a unique place within the range of human relationships.

Of course other relationships are important to human cultures. The bonds of kinship and friendship come immediately to mind. And there are the bonds created by religious faith.

But none of these relationships plays the same role as marriage in the building up of human society.

It would therefore be a grave mistake to reduce marriage as it has been traditionally understood to the level of just another in the range of equally important and creative human relationships. This is one of the things the Church recognizes when she speaks of marriage as sacramental. Other close relationships also speak of God, but not in the unique way that marriage speaks.

Of its nature, marriage is not essentially religious. It is a human institution. But by the logic of the Incarnation, God has taken this human institution to himself and infused it with a new depth and power, so that it can become a

revelation of God’s own love in our midst - not a love that stays in a far-off heaven but which takes flesh in the fruitful and enduring love of man and woman sealed by the bond of marriage on this earth.

That’s why every effort to defend and promote marriage and the family as they have been traditionally and cross-culturally understood - however difficult and counter-cultural that may be now in the West - really does matter. It is a task which Catholic people and Christians generally cannot ignore. Whatever about supposed injustice being done to individuals or minorities, a real injustice would be done to society as a whole - and especially to children - if marriage were reduced to the level of just one among the range of equally valid or invalid human relationships.

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FEATURE ARTICLE“FINDING ROLE MODELS FOR OUR SONS” “Where are the good male role models for our sons?”

That was the question Andrew Blakey pondered as he read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph.

So urgent did he see the need that the father-of-three vowed to act – and find the role models himself.

That search has led Andrew to start a Father and Sons group with five other men, and interest is growing. Andrew and his wife Ann have a six-year-old son Lachlan, and two daughters aged seven and four.

Not surprisingly, the group’s first meeting – for the Dads that is – was at the pub.

“I’m chair of my parish council and the parent representative on my children’s school council, so I approached a couple of Dads and put a note in the parish bulletin and school newsletter,” Andrew explained.

“The Dads got together in early July at Wilbur’s, the local pub in Hackett. We had a couple of drinks and talked about what we might do.

“There were a stack of ideas, such as visits to the National Museum and War Memorial as well as playing sport and sharing some of the our own skills with our sons.

“One of the Dads is a magician and I’m a sports teacher so immediately we had some activities.”

The Father and Sons group held its first event on the last Sunday in July, spending the day at a farm owned by one of the group.

“We had a barbecue and the boys played around the river and I took some sports equipment and we had a few games,” Andrew said.

“Yesterday at school one of the boys saw me and said ‘Hi Andrew, when are we all catching up again?’

Already a couple of other Dads are asking about the next event so I’m hoping it will catch on a bit.”

Andrew said the hope was not just for the Dads to be role models, but for the teenage members to fulfil that role for the younger ones.

His wife Ann is very supportive.

“She loves it,” Andrew said. “She thinks it’s good for me. I spend lots of time with my kids but this gets me out with other Dads, so the social element is great.

“Ann also recognises there are so few male role models. There are only two male teachers at our school so you’ve got to be lucky to have one.

“This provides an opportunity for Lachlan to build relationships at his school and teaches the kids to look out for each other.

“The idea is that sometimes our sons don’t want to talk to their Dads but want to talk to other males. Steve Biddulph stresses that you’ve got to have other male role models outside the family.

“Our group is about building up relationships so our sons have other males in their lives. They can talk with them about stuff and really unload, because it could be their Dad creating the problem in the first place. It was really reading that book that started all this.”

* Contact Andrew at andrew.blakey@merici.act.edu.au

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Andrew said the hope was not just for the Dads to be role models, but for the teenage members to fulfil that role for the younger ones.

“”

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Published by the Catholic Archdiocese of Canberra-GoulburnProduced by CatholicLIFEPO Box 7174 Yarralumla ACT 2600 Tel: 02 6163 4300 Fax: 02 6163 4310 Email: info@catholiclife.org.auWebsite: www.catholiclife.org.au

KNOWING WHAT THE SCHOOL IS TRYING TO DO WITH AND FOR YOUR CHILD!

HAVE YOU STARTED YOUR CHRISTMAS PREPARATIONS YET?

I have been asked to write about some of the experiences your child might encounter at the local Catholic school. While I am not currently working in the Catholic school system (although I have in the past) there are certain advantages to being ‘experienced in the system and yet also outside of it’. It allows you to talk in general terms without anyone feeling that you’re getting at them specifically.

It is to be understood, in spite of what I might write in this and other articles, that the vast majority of Catholic schools (and the vast majority of teachers working in them) are doing an amazing job, often in difficult circumstances. We can do nothing but applaud their efforts. In this series of articles we will begin to look at what your child is (probably) experiencing at the local Catholic school and we will attempt to make sense of it.

The first thing we can look at is the mission of your Catholic school. Did you know that your school has one? Different schools will articulate their mission in different ways. It could be interesting to find out how your school describes its mission.

Why this is significant for you is that the mission the school is attending to will impact on every level of how it relates to and seeks to educate your child. It will affect its educational priorities, how it allocates the school’s funding, how it attends to discipline, how it will care for your child and the values it will attempt to teach your child. Needless to say, it could be very helpful to know what the school is trying to do with and for your child!

If you want to play a fun game – during the next parent-teacher interviews ask the teachers what the school’s mission statement is and how it impacts on the way they work with your child. See how many actually have any idea! If they don’t know, be compassionate. We all probably have a fraught relationship with mission statements. Most of us can get too busy to hold such things in our minds. However, finding out what that mission is can be a first step in becoming informed on the nature of the education your child is receiving. It can also help you evaluate whether the school your child is attending is actually living up to what it promises it will do for you and your child.

By Shane Dwyer

www.cdf.cg.catholic.org.au

Your Family, Your Faith is proudly supported by the Australian Catholic University

The shops are well and truly shifting into Christmas mode and no doubt many of you have also started planning

your family celebrations. How can busy families in the midst of all the practical Christmas preparations ensure that we stay connected to the deeper spiritual meaning of Christmas?

For many the experience of preparing for the “25th of December” can feel more like simply stressful event management, rather than a spiritual journey that brings new life to our souls and our family. This time of spiritual preparation is known as “Advent”. The word ‘Advent’ is from the Latin ‘Adventus,’ which means “coming”. Advent encompasses the span of time from the fourth Sunday before Christmas, until the celebration of the birth of Jesus on the 25th December.

This year CatholicLIFE have produced a simple Advent Resource called “Carrying the Christ” to help you prepare and get connected to the spiritual meaning of Christmas. It can be ordered online for just $4:50 at www.faithresources.org.au

Carrying the Christ is designed as a four week programme outlining some aspects of Christian spirituality for individual, group or seminar use. For more info please contact Mr Shane Dwyer 6163 4308 | shane.dwyer@catholiclife.org.au

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Please consider making a tax deductible donation. Contact us at 6163 4300 or at

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