Writing Workshop for Advancement Professionals | 02.25.2016 Lynne Wester & Debbie Meyers  Please find a list below of additional resources from the “Writing Workshop for Advancement Professionals” webcast. If you wish to print only certain resources, you may click their respective links to jump directly to them in the packet.   

 Pre‐Webcast Resources  1. Webcast Worksheet – Pages 2‐3 – Bring this worksheet to the webcast, and use it to record your 

answers to the writing exercises included in the webcast.  

2. Writing Resource Manual – Pages 4‐15 – Use this manual as an ongoing job aid.  While you don’t need it in front of you for the webcast, it covers helpful tips on punctuation, frequently misused words, and other common pitfalls.  

 

Post‐Webcast Resources  1. 5 Writing Samples with Feedback – Pages 16‐21 – These 5 writing samples, shared during the 

webcast, contain Debbie Meyers’ comments and suggestions for improvement.  

2. Transcript of Webcast Activity – Pages 22‐24 – Use this unedited transcript to review comments and suggestions for the activity on Slide 25 – “Write the first 2‐3 sentences of an acknowledgement letter to a donor of 25+ years.”  

3. Bibliography – Page 25 – This bibliography includes a variety of online resources from presenter Debbie Meyers.   

 

WRITING WORKSHOP FOR ADVANCEMENT PROFESSIONALS

Pre-Webcast Brainstorming Think of synonyms for:

Gift

“Thank You”

Webcast Worksheet

1. Five Words That Your Institution Uses Too Much

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

2. Mad Libs On behalf of __________, thank you for your __________ _________ to the college!

Noun Adjective Noun

Your _________ ___________ and inspires our faculty, students, and researchers.

Noun Verb

Through your ___________, you have invested in the future.

Noun Together, as partners, we will move the university towards its ___________, goal of

Adjective

_________ ___________ and ___________ in education, research, and service.

Adjective Noun Noun

3. Write the first two sentences for an acknowledgement letter from your VP to a donor who has given for 25+ years.

Frequently Confused Words

advice, advise

Advice is an “opinion about what should be done.” Example: She gives good advice.

Advise means “to recommend.” Example: Please advise me on which college to attend.

Note: “please be advised” and “please advise” are considered old-fashioned, stilted and

unnecessary. Passing on knowledge and asking for instruction are not the same as giving or

requesting advice.

affect, effect

Most commonly, affect is used as a verb that means "to influence” and effect as a noun that

means “a result.”

Examples: Do not let the loss affect you. The loss did not have

an effect on me.

Remember: If something affects you, it has an effect on you.

However, sometimes affect can be a noun to mean someone’s

mood, and effect is used as verb meaning “to bring about.”

Examples: He has a flat affect. We want to effect change on

campus.

assure, insure, ensure

To put someone’s mind at rest, you assure that person of something.

Right: “I assure you that we will handle this problem.”

Wrong: “We want to assure the best possible outcome.”

You insure something to be prepared in case something bad happens. You take steps to ensure

that something will (or won’t) happen:

Examples: “I insure my house against water and fire damage.” “I carry snacks in the car to

ensure that I will have snacks if I get stuck in traffic.”

Remember: You insure to protect. You ensure to make sure.

aw, awe

Aw is what you say about something cute. Awe is reverential respect.

Example: “Aw, that’s adorable. I’m in awe of how clever you are.”

ball, bawl

A ball is a round object. To bawl means to sob furiously.

Example: “I bawled my eyes out when the ball hit me in the knee.”

complement, compliment

Complement means "to make complete." Example: This hat will complement my new outfit.

A compliment is something said in praise. Example: Thanks for the compliment on my dress.

Remember: “I” like compliments. “Complement” comes from “complete.”

different from, different than

Preferred style is different from. If you consider “is different” (be verb plus adjective) equals

“differs” (verb), then from is natural – as in this differs from that, it is different from that.

fewer, less

Fewer refers to items you can count individually. Use less to refer to a quality or quantity that is

not counted individually. The only way something has “less calories” is if all the calories are

operating at decreased capacity.

Example: She baked fewer pies than I did.

Example: The plate has less pie on it now that I ate a piece.

homophones

Often when we type, we spell things phonetically or use a homophone (sound-alike word) rather

than the correct work. Be careful with words like “threw/through” and “know/no.”

it's, its

It's is the short form of “it is.” Example: It's (it is) in the dog house.

Its is a pronoun that shows ownership or possession. Example: The dog has its (belonging to it)

own house.

Remember: the apostrophe shows that a letter – “i” – has been omitted. It’s is always it is.

Nauseated, nauseous

Nauseated means your stomach is upset. Something nauseous causes nausea in other people.

Example: I am nauseated from standing next to a nauseous odor.

principal, principle

A principal is the head of a school. A principle is an important fact or law.

Examples: The principal spoke to us today. The principle of democracy is important to us.

Remember: your principal is your PAL.

site, sight, cite

Site means “location.” Sight means “something seen.” Cite means to quote or reference

something.

Examples: They are shooting the movie on a great site. What a sight her face was! You will need

to cite an example of how that works.

stationary, stationery

Stationary means to be “standing still.” Stationery means “writing materials.”

Examples: Please remain stationary. They went to the store to buy some stationery.

Remember: “e” is in “letter” and in “stationery”; “a” is in “stand” and “stationary.”

suppose, supposed, supposedly

Suppose means “to guess or assume.” Supposed can mean “alleged,” or as a verb can mean

“should.” There is no such word as “supposably,” – it’s “supposedly.”

Example: I suppose you think I’m gorgeous.

Examples: The supposed genius flunked his managerial accounting test. You are supposed to

pay attention.

than, then

Than means "in comparison with." Example: He is bigger than I am.

Then means "next.” Example: After going home, he then started his assignment.

their, there, they're

Their is the possessive form of "they" that shows ownership. Example: Their flowers are gone.

There describes where something is. Example: Their flowers are there on the table.

They're is a short form of "they are." Example: They're going to buy flowers.

weather, whether

Weather means "conditions outdoors." Example: The weather is terrible.

Whether is an expression of choice between two options. Example: I do not know whether I

will stay home or go to school.

Note: you do not need to say “or not” with whether. It is implied. Example: “I don’t know

whether to go.”

who’s, whose

Who’s is a contraction for “who is.” Example: “Who’s coming with us?”

Whose means “belonging to whom.” Example: “Whose book is this?”

Remember: This is tricky. You note that apostrophes show possession, so it’s easy to think that

who’s is possessive. Replace whichever form you use with “who is.” If it sounds right, then use

who’s; if not, use whose. So, “Who is coming with us?” is right. “I don’t know who is this is” is

wrong.

your, you're

Your is a form of "you" that shows ownership. Example: Your car is new.

You're is a short form of "you are." Example: You're going to the store.

Remember: the apostrophe shows that a letter has been omitted. Replace the phrase with “you

are” and see which one works.

Crash Course in Punctuation

Period [.]

1. Use a period to show the end of a sentence.

Gator football is a popular sport in Tallahassee.

2. Use a period after certain abbreviations.

It is 4 p.m. in Pittsburgh right now.

Note: AP style is to punctuate times without “:00” after the number: 4 p.m., not 4:00 p.m.

When you use the month and day, abbreviate longer months (Jan., Feb., Aug., Sept., Oct.,

Nov. and Dec.), and use only the number, not “-nd” or “-st” or “-th” after the number: Sept.

1, not September 1st. It’s a good idea to include the day of the week too: Monday, April 8.

Question Mark [?] and Exclamation Mark [!]

1. Use a question mark at the end of a sentence to show a direct question.

How many Carnegie Mellon students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2. Use an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence to show surprise or excitement.

We won the national championship!

Comma [,]

1. Use a comma to show a pause in a sentence.

Therefore, not everyone will be attending.

2. Use a comma with quotation marks to

show what someone has said directly.

“I can tell you how I did it,” she said, “but

then I’d have to kill you.”

3. Use commas for listing three or more

items.

Thank you for your support of our faculty,

staff and students.

Note: AP style is to punctuate serial

commas as A, B and C, not A, B, and C.

Other styles differ. Chose one and be

consistent.

4. Use commas around relative clauses that add extra information to a sentence.

Patricia, who is the vice president’s administrative assistant, is widely known for her patience

and diplomacy.

Apostrophe [‘]

1. Use an apostrophe to show ownership of something. For nouns in plural form, put the

apostrophe at the end of the noun. Examples: These are the professor’s books. (books that belong to the professor)

These are the professors’ books. (books that belong to professors)

2. Add apostrophe plus s (’s) to form the possessive of singular words except when

pronunciation would be difficult. Then, put an apostrophe at the end of the word (s’). the car of Ms. Jones = Ms. Jones’s car

the dial on a phone = a phone’s dial

a vacation of one week = a week’s vacation

Exceptions: Jesus’ teachings, Charles’ xylophones

3. Use an apostrophe to show letters that have been left out of a word.

Note: Do not use apostrophes to show plural – “Ham’s are on sale today” or “The Smith’s

live here.” The Smith family = The Smiths. Their house is the Smiths’ house. But Mr.

Meyers and his family are the Meyerses, which sounds awkward. Best to go with the Meyers

family.

Quotation Marks [“ ”]

1. Use quotation marks to show what someone has said directly. Examples: Pee Wee Herman said, “If you love fruit salad so much, why don’t you marry it?”

“I thought I had mono once,” Garth said, “but it turns out I was just bored.”

Note: Be careful not to “overuse” quotation marks. They do not “add” emphasis. They only

“distract” from readability.

Colon [:]

1. Use a colon to introduce a list of things after a complete sentence. Correct – George Forman has four sons: George, George, George and George.

Incorrect – George Forman’s four sons are: George, George, George and George.

2. Use a colon to introduce a long quotation.

Barney has been known to sing this song: “I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family.”

Semicolon [;]

1. Use a semicolon to join related sentences. Homecoming is one of my favorite events; I just love it when they crown the queen.

2. Use a semicolon in lists that already have commas. Our children are Ryan, 25; John, 20; Melody, 13; and Merry Glynn, 11.

Dash [–]

1. Use a dash before a phrase that summarizes the idea of a sentence.

Fat, bald and boring – that is how I’d describe my old boyfriends at my class reunion.

2. Use a dash before and after a phrase or list that adds extra information in the middle of

a sentence. He will come back – I promise you this – but not until you refill the freezer with ice cream.

Hyphen [-]

1. Use a hyphen to join two words that form one idea. Blue-eyed boy, fire-resistant toy

Note: do not hyphenate such phrases if they come AFTER the noun.

She is a long-legged girl. But… The girl is long legged.

I want an up-to-date report. This report is up to date.

The three-year-old house fell apart. The house is three years old.

2. Use a hyphen to join prefixes to words. A dash separates, a hyphen connects.

Examples: anti-American, non-contact sport

Note: typographically, a dash is called an “em dash” and is made up of two hyphens, two “en

dashes,” just like the letter “m” looks like “n” plus “n.”

Parentheses and Brackets [ ] ( )

1. Use brackets when you need to include a phrase within them that uses parentheses.

This situation happens mostly in scientific writing or references/citations. If you need them in

regular prose, and things are that complicated, you probably need to rewrite your sentence.

2. Use parentheses to enclose words or figures that clarify or are used as an aside.

Examples: Please pay me five hundred dollars ($500). She sat down (after realizing her dress

was ripped) and lost her balance on the chair.

Note: AP style discourages using parentheses to reference an abbreviation immediately after

the full name – for instance, American Bottle Club (ABC). Oddly, some writes use the

abbreviation then never refer to the entity again in their article. Usually readers are smart

enough to figure out what the abbreviation is after you’ve named the entity, but this issue is a

style preference. If you like it, leave it in. If you don’t, leave it out.

Also, parentheses slow down a reader, so if you don’t need them, don’t use them. The second

example could just as easily used commas.

Words You Almost Never Rarely Need

1. “In order to complete the project, collect plenty of specimens.”

What’s lost if you leave out “in order”? Same for “in an effort to” and “is designed to.”

2. “They serve 20 different kinds of pancakes.”

Of course they’re different. “Kinds” means different.

3. “I personally have not had this experience.”

What does “personally” add? The contrast is implied: I haven’t but others have.

4. “She spoke to both the fathers and the mothers of her students.”

At first, it sounds like “both the fathers,” as in two fathers. It’s not necessary; “both” is

implied with “and.”

5. Intensifiers define the degree of an adjective or another adverb and precede the adjective or

adverb they modify: very, so, somewhat, quite, rather.

Instead of using an intensifier, strengthen the adjective or adverb: “speak aimlessly”

becomes “jabber.”

If it’s cold, it’s cold. “Very” cold doesn’t make it seem any colder than just plain “cold”

does. One newspaper editor suggests using “very” as you would “damn.”

“So” should not be used as an intensifier. If you use it to show cause and effect, you also

need a "that" (explicit or implied) clause:

Right: The story was so depressing (that) I didn't even want to finish reading it.

Wrong: Thank you so much.

6. “My favorite parts of the football games are the heat and the loud noises.”

Most of the time you can eliminate “the” in front of a plural noun – not always, but most of

the time. Try it.

7. “Per our conversation, enclosed please find an application form.”

How about, “As we discussed, I am sending you the enclosed application form.”

8. That said, that having been said, with that having been said, at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, trendy is no substitute for clarity of thought – just so we’re on the same

page and thinking outside our boxes and comfort zones.

9. Literally, extremely.

Literally means exactly, truly. It does

not mean very. (See cartoon.)

Extremely means to an extreme extent

and thus has a negative connotation. It

does not mean very. For instance, it

Susan is extremely cautious in traffic,

she probably will end up causing a

wreck rather than preventing one.

Fun Time with Pronunciation

Commonly mispronounced words:

“Public speaking is not my forte.” – Although it’s not incorrect to pronoun this “FOR-

tay,” the preferred pronunciation is “FORT.” “FOR-tay” is a musical dynamic meaning

loud; “FORT” (still spelled with the silent “e”) means “strong suit.”

“Her little son is mischievous.” – The correct pronunciation is “MIS-chi-vus,” not “mis-

CHEE-vee-us.” Remember the word comes from mischief (MIS-chuff).

Orange, lime and raspberry ice cream is “sherbet” not “sherbeRt.” Remember: it’s a sure

bet. Sorbet (sor-bay) is another type of frozen deliciousness.

Some Common Pitfalls

1. Typos

To achieve perfect, typo-free articles, National Geographic editors proofread each article

seven times. Did you proofread your paper more than once? Spell check isn’t enough.

“Public” and “pubic” are both words, but you don’t want them confused. To proof a paper

follow these steps: read it out loud, read it backwards, then read it one line at a time. If you’re

brave, have someone else read it.

2. Not following directions and formatting instructions

Make sure all letters are in the organizational template (margins, type face, point size).

3. Subject/verb agreement

Wrong: “The loyalty and pride you have shown is an inspiration to us all.”

Take out the phrase “you have shown.” What you have left is: “The loyalty and pride…

(they) ARE…”

To check out if what you have is correct, remove the extraneous phrase and replace the

subject with a pronoun. If you use “they,” then the verb is plural. If you use “it” or “s/he,”

then the verb is singular.

Technically, “none” is supposed to be singular, since it stands for “not one.” So you end up

with “none of us is going” and “none of them is correct,” which sound funny. Same with

“any” (one) – you end up with “is any of you going” or “does any of you know,” which also

sound funny. Go with the version you’re comfortable with.

4. Object form of pronouns.

Wrong: “That’s exactly what happened to John and I.”

“We had dinner with she and her husband on Sunday.”

Again, take out the “and” part. What you’re left with is “That’s exactly what happened to I”

and “We had dinner with she.”

5. Turning verbs into nouns.

Wrong: “Unanimous agreement is crucial on this bill.”

“Prior approval is needed.”

This style makes the subject obscure. Who is supposed to be agreeing? Whose approval do

you need to get? To get around this problem, think in clear terms about what you want to say.

If the action you want is not the verb, then rewrite the sentence until it is.

It’s often best to use good ol’ subject-verb-object order: “We all need to agree on this bill.”

“Students need to have the auditor approve the purchase order.”

6. Using passive vs. active voice

In active voice, the subject is actually performing the action of the verb: “John hit the ball.”

In passive voice, however, the subject is acted upon: “The ball was hit by John.”

The main reason to avoid passive voice is that it detracts from readability. Since it’s not in

logical order (subject-verb-object), it takes longer for the reader to figure out what you’re

saying. Passive voice also can make the subject obscure: “The money was taken during fifth

period.” Who took it? Sometimes we don’t know, and that’s the only way to write the

sentence. But if the writer is purposely hiding something, you need to dig a little deeper and

figure out what’s going on.

7. Using “this” as a noun. Using “there are.”

In the big scheme of things, breaking these rules is not always a big crime. At most, it makes

your writing obscure and detracts from readability.

Not great: “Living in America is a great privilege, one that many people take for granted.

This is not a good thing.” Better would be: “This lack of appreciation is unfortunate.”

Not great: “There are many ways for an auditor to detect fraud.”

Better would be: “An auditor has many ways to detect fraud.” It’s fewer words, more

concise.

8. Run-on sentences

If you read a sentence out loud and you have to stop your breath before it’s finished, the

sentence is too long. A true run-on sentence, however, can be short. It contains more than one

sentence within a sentence, typically with inadequate punctuation.

To diagnose a run-on sentence, isolate the subject and the verb, then look for a period. The

cure for run on sentences is punctuation: often commas but always periods.

Not great: “He said he would give me the exam but I’m not sure he can since the semester is

over and I need to be in St. Augustine for the weekend but we’re going to try because I really

need to graduate.”

Better: “He said he would give me the exam. I’m not sure he can, since the semester is over

and I need to be in St. Augustine for the weekend. We’re going to try, though, because I

really need to graduate.”

9. Wrong relative pronouns.

“Who” refers to people, “that” refers to everything else. Wrong: “I have a donor that wants

to give.” Correct: “I have a donor who wants to give.”

10. Spacing between sentences.

In high school and college, teachers asked us to put two spaces between sentences. In today’s

business world, we use one space.

11. Obscure, picky points.

On a ____ basis.

If you do something every day, no need to say you do it on a daily basis. You do it daily.

Or weekly. Or monthly. Or case by case. Or individually. None of those needs “basis.”

Use “the reason is that” instead of “the reason is because.” “Because” is implied in

“reason.”

You have only one alternative but you can have several options.

Due means what is owed, or because of. Example: The total amount due is on the bill.

The static is due to the lack of humidity.

Note: strictly speaking, it is incorrect to use “due to” to mean “because of.” You can say

that the rain is due to the clouds forming, but you should not say, “Due to the clouds

forming, it rained.” Remember that “due” is an adjective, not a conjunction.

Misplaced and Dangling Modifiers

Think of a magnet. It draws whatever is closest to it. Same with modifiers. Misplaced modifiers

are single words, phrases or clauses that do not point clearly to the word or words they modify.

As a rule, related words usually should be kept together. Below are six tips for placing modifiers.

1. Limiting modifiers (only, even, almost, nearly, just) should be placed in front of the

words they modify.

Wrong: You will only need to plant one seed package.

Better: You will need to plant only one seed package. ("Only" modifies "one," not "need.")

2. Place modifying phrases and clauses so readers can see at a glance what they modify.

Wrong: The robber was described as a tall man with a black moustache weighing 150

pounds.

Better: The robber was described as a six-foot-tall man weighing 150 pounds with a black

moustache. (“150 pounds” describes the man, not the moustache.)

3. Sentences should flow from subject to verb to object without lengthy detours along the

way. When adverbs separate subject from verb, verb from object, or helping-verb from

main-verb, the result can be awkward.

Not great: John, after trying to reach the ball, decided to get a ladder.

Better: After trying to reach the ball, John decided to get a ladder. (Subject and verb are no

longer separated.)

4. Infinitives (= “to” + verb) usually should not be split unless necessary, especially in

formal writing. That rule has been greatly relaxed, though. (Notice how “has been

relaxed” was just split!)

Not great: The patient should try to, if possible, avoid going up and down stairs.

Better: If possible, the patient should try to avoid going up and down stairs.

5. Dangling modifiers are word groups (usually introductory) that may confuse some

people if they fail to refer logically to any word in a sentence. Rewording a sentence

may help clarify the meaning.

Wrong: Deciding to join the navy, the recruiter happily pumped Joe’s hand. (The recruiter is

not deciding to join the navy; Joe is.)

Better: The recruiter happily pumped Joe’s hand after learning that Joe had decided to join

the navy.

Wrong: Though only 16, CMU accepted Martha's application. (CMU not 16, Martha is.)

Better: Though Martha was only 16, CMU accepted her application.

6. Repair dangling modifiers by restructuring the sentence. Possibly unclear: When watching films, commercials are especially irritating.

a. One option would be to change the subject so that it names the actor that the modifier

implies: When watching films, I find commercials especially irritating.

b. Another option would be to turn the modifier into a word group that includes the

actor: When I am watching films, commercials are especially irritating.

Style Tips to Make Writing More Interesting

1. Combine sentences.

Take two sentences and make a compound sentence.

Insert adjectives or adverbs to combine sentences.

Use a prepositional phrase to combine sentences.

List items in a series to combine sentences.

2. Vary sentence beginnings and length.

Use a variety of parts of speech and grammatical forms to vary sentence beginnings.

Short sentences have three to six words. The average sentence has about eight to 15

words. Long sentences can have 20 words or more.

3. Eliminate weak verb-adverb combinations.

An adverb modifies verbs, adjective or other adverbs, answering where, when, how and to

what extent. Eliminate adverbs by identifying which question the adverb answers.

The teacher looked menacingly (menacingly answers how) glared at the disruptive

student hooligan.

He foolishly invested in bad speculated in real estate.

4. Avoid "to be" verbs.

Change the be verb to a strong verb:

Example: is afraid of = fears.

Eliminate the be verb by writing one or more showing sentence.

Example: Alligators are mean.

The alligator, angry at being disturbed, lurched forward and swallowed the decoy.

Unsatisfied, the grouchy gator swam circles around the boat and hissed at the hunters.

Combine sentences to eliminate the be verb.

Example: The inefficient time manager is unfulfilled. He heads to bed, disappointed,

despite having finished his to do list.

The inefficient time manager heads to bed, unfulfilled, having checked everything off

on his unprioritized to do list.

5. Use strong verbs. Example: “ate lunch quickly” = “devoured my lunch”

6. Pronouns and antecedents must be clear. Too many pronouns can cause confusion. It’s better

to repeat a name or noun than to write unclearly.

    DATE  NAME ADDRESS CITY, STATE ZIP  Dear NAME,   Thank you for your recent gift to the Annual Fund!    The spring semester is well underway as our students are getting back into the swing of their classes and activities.  There is a lot of excitement in the air as this is a special semester for State University.  In May a new class of young professionals will graduate to serve within their respective industries as well as celebrating Dr. X’s first academic year as president.     We greatly appreciate your support of our students.  You are providing them with exceptional opportunities to learn and grow throughout their collegiate careers.  Annual gifts from alumni, parents, and friends are used to provide the funds to support scholarship aid, classroom technology, student internships, community service projects, international travel experiences for our students and opportunities for faculty development.    We are forever grateful for your loyalty and support.  On behalf of our students, faculty and staff, thank you for your generous gift to the Annual Fund.    In Faith, Knowledge and Service,    Name Director, Annual Fund   

Commented [MD1]: People don’t give to annual funds. They give to institutions. 

Commented [MD2]: This doesn’t belong in a thank you letter. Use one space between sentences. 

Commented [MD3]: We and Our outnumber your.  

Commented [MD4]: Talk about the donor, not other people. 

Commented [MD5]: You already said that. Again, try to thank without saying thank you. 

Subject: Your St. Thomas 2015 Giving Summary 

Thank you for supporting St. Thomas!

Click here if the email below is not displayed correctly.

Dear Sarah,

I am writing to let you know that you make a difference at the University of St. Thomas. Truly.

Your support has incredible influence on the quality of the education that we provide to the next

generation of Tommie innovators, educators, creators and community leaders. Every gift allows us

to do more, to be better and to improve the lives of our students.

Your total tax-deductible contribution to the University of St. Thomas for 2015 was $10.00.

Please note that this total does not include charitable giving that you may have

directed to St. Thomas through donor-advised funds, foundations, company charitable-giving programs, or other third-party organizations. For income-tax

purposes, this letter can serve as your receipt for your calendar-year 2015 charitable contributions. No goods or services were given to you in exchange.

Commented [MD1]: For some reason, putting truly at the end, rather than saying you truly make a difference, makes it sound more sincere.

Commented [MD2]: Nice use of school nickname. Creates a sense of pride and loyalty.

Commented [MD3]: Nice, direct, simple language.

Whether your gifts are directed to scholarships, the Annual Fund or one of the many remarkable

academic programs or extra-curricular opportunities, your support makes a stronger St. Thomas.

You are part of an amazing community of Tommie supporters who, together, change the lives of our

students and their communities. On behalf of all of us at St. Thomas, thank you.

With gratitude,

Carol Wilkie

Director of Donor Relations

Commented [MD4]: This is ALL ABOUT THE DONOR!! AWESOME! I didn’t even make this gift and I feel good just from reading the letter!

 

 

 

January 12, 2016 

 Mr Smith 1 Smith St City, State  Dear Mr Smith:  On behalf of the faculty, staff and students of the School of Business at State University, I would like to thank you for your donation in support of the BCom Entrance Scholarship.  The School of Business is a proven leader in providing our students with unparalleled opportunities and experiences that guide their development into successful business leaders.  Your investment will enable the School to continue to attract the best and brightest students from a wide variety of backgrounds who will advance business and society.  Your support will ensure these students have access to the best resources, education and opportunities possible to explore, and reach, their full potential.  Philanthropy is important for the School’s present and future role in developing tomorrow’s leaders for business and society.  Contributions support chairs and professorships, student leadership opportunities, innovative and integrated teaching practices, as well as critical scholarship and bursary support, all which benefit our students to thrive and launch their careers.  Thank you for supporting the next generation of leaders and for your investment to help propel the School of Business toward our vision to be one of the most innovative and influential business schools.    Sincerely,    Dean 

Commented [MD1]: We have got to stop using formulaic openings like this. This was OK in 1970 but not today. You don’t need to say I would like to thank you. Just say thank you. Better yet, DON’T say thank you. Figure out a better way to thank the donor than saying thank you. 

Commented [MD2]: Philanthropy is good. Generosity is even better. 

Commented [MD3]: Why do I care about this? I gave to a scholarship. This whole paragraph can be deleted. It adds nothing.  

Commented [MD4R3]:  

Commented [MD5]: Don’t need to insert yourself in here. 

Commented [MD6R5]: Thanks for helping propel the B school toward being one of the most…  

President of a Foundation 

Foundation Name 

Professor of Economics  

XXX University  

Address 

City, State 

 

Dear Professor Donor:  

It was a pleasure to meet with you and <wife name> on September 21st. Thank you for providing me the 

opportunity to share our vision for State University and our plans to attract, retain, and graduate our 

students who will one day be productive citizens for <state> and the world.  

As we shared, State University is working toward the adoption of new and progressive learning 

paradigms which place the distinct learning needs and approaches of our students at the center of 

everything we do. From creating more transparent pathways into the university to providing every 

student an undergraduate research experience to ensuring timely graduation, State University will play a 

significant role in shaping the generation that will help solve many of the pressing problems our society 

is facing today. I look forward to sharing with you additional information on some of my immediate 

needs to realize our vision for the University. In follow‐up to our meeting, I have asked <VP of 

Advancement> and his team to develop several one‐page concepts that present some of the ideas we 

discussed.   

Thank you for the opportunity to provide the Foundation more information on our work at State 

University. We look forward to continuing the conversation.     

 

Sincerely,  

 

Chancellor 

Commented [MD1]:

Commented [MD2R1]: Wouldn’t use a specific date. Looks like a receipt. Just say recently. 

Commented [MD3]: This is blah blah blah.Talk instead about how the professor is a great partner in forging the future of your university. Focus more on him and his participation. 

Commented [MD4]: This word is almost always an attempt to sound important. It’s fluff. 

Commented [MD5R4]:  Working toward the adoption of = is adopting 

Commented [MD6]: People don’t like to fund needs. They like to fund solutions. 

Commented [MD7]:  

Commented [MD8R7]: Overall, tone is dry and makes the writer sound bored with his own writing. No enthusiasm, nothing specific mentioned. What is a transparent pathway?? What does that mean in the real world? What are some of our pressing problems? Name them. 

   

 

 

 

 

November 9, 2015 

 Donor Name Donor Address Donor City, State  Dear Mr. Bell:  On behalf of the School of Business, it is my pleasure to congratulate you on your appointment to the Board of Directors of the college.    The School of Business takes great pride in celebrating the professional success of our alumni and acknowledging graduates who are achieving career milestones in their areas of expertise.    It is alumni like you who contribute to the School’s growing reputation for developing outstanding leaders.      

Please accept my best wishes for continued success.  Sincerely,      Dean’s Name, PhD Dean  

Commented [MD1]: How about, Congratulations! Instead of “it is my pleasure to congratulate you.” The institution is first, not the donor. In fact, the entire letter talks more about the business school than the donor. 

Commented [MD2]: This is about the school, not the alum. 

Commented [MD3]: Horribly awkward. Alumni is plural, so you have it is alumni, but you can’t use it are. Alumni like you would be best. 

Commented [MD4]: Cliché. Lacks warmth and sincerity. 

Bridget Dattilo: “Write the first 2‐3 sentences of an acknowledgement letter to a donor of 25+ years.”    Laura:Your continued caring is changing student's futures.   Pamela:Dear Mr. Doner,   Nancy Holmes:Your loyalty to the University of XXXX is as important to us as your consistent financial support  guest 2:You have made a difference in the lives of our students over the last 25 years.  University of Pittsburgh:On behalf of the University of Pittsburg, thank you for your generous gift to the "fund".  Point Park University (Jen Moritz):Through these decades of change, one thing remains the same‐ You.  Lakeland College:Dear   Suzanne Fraser:For 25 years, you have made college name accessible to talented students. Thank you for your enduring support   University of California, Davis 5:Your continued genorisity has made a difference in the quality of education we give our students.  Olin 2:Your ongoing support is really making a difference for us, though student scholarships and curricular innovation. Thanks for believing in us.  Lakeland College:Yesterday I met a young man who won your scholarship five years ago  Karen Lewis:While every donor makes a difference, while every gift brings us one step closer to achieving our goals, we cannot deny that certain donors pave the road to our success.  These are donors who truly make XYZ the treasure it is today.  University of Pittsburgh:Pittsburgh  Doug:Thank you for your continuing support of xx University. Your support has the power to change lives.  Sarah Ryan:For almost three decades, we have grown together. We built a hospital. We created new programs in biomedical sciences. We launched a One Health movement.    Britt:For years, you have impacted the lives of students in such a meaningful way.  Abilene Christian University:You are amazing! For 25 years, you've faithfully invested in ACU's students. Your belief in them and in the Christ‐centerededucation they receive at ACU inspires me!  Liz Heinrich:A quarter century of giving‐thank you x25! 

Our Lady of the Lake College:Because you have cared about our students for the last 25 years, they have been able to care for others in their chosen vocations.  NYU Stern:Dear (first name), Your dedication over the years has been instrumental to the success of generations of students.   The Westminster Schools:Westminster is blessed by a rich tradition of philanthropy. We are deeply grateful that you have been a part of that tradition for the past 25 years.   University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff:You have continuously made a positive imapce on the lives of students attending ___________.  Your investment helps to revesre the dire economiv plight of our students and helps them to make long‐term changes  Ithaca College:Loyal donors like you, who provide support to COLLEGE year after year, are the backbone of our community...  California Polytechnic State University:Learn by Doing happens because of you. Your gifts have impacted generations of students in the past 25 years.  Kristin Rhodes:Through one yearly gift, you've changed the lives of many students.  Duke University ‐ Nicholas School:Your steadfast support continues to amaze us here at the Nicholas School. Words simply cannot convey our gratitude.   Lynn Mark:We thank you for your loyal support of the University over the past 25 years. Your generosity has allowed the University to grow and enhance its programs and activities.  The Citadel Foundation:Honor, Duty, Respect‐‐these are the core values of The Citadel and are the words that come to mind when describing your passion and loyalty to The Citadel.  Congratulations!    Jenn:Thank you. You are amazing! You've supported X every year for 25 years.  University of North:You have transformed the lives of thousands of students with your lifetime of support to the University of North Dakota.   Azusa Pacific University:Once again, you continue to amaze me. Every year I see your gift I am touched by your generosity.   Penn State University:Every year, medical students face an average debt of $180,000. Because of your loyalty students at Penn State Hershey do not have to worry about this.   Chapman University UA Team:For the past quarter century you have transformed student lives.  Wichita State University Foundation:Not many people can remember the need we had for abc 25 years ago, but you do and you have realized our needs ever since.   Meghan:Three headmasters, 25 alumni days and 25 graduations  you have invested in xxx school.  Your support has helped more than 1,000 students go into the prepared to be leaders of change. 

Kennesaw State:Your commitment to building this scholarship has made a remarkable impact on our university.  SUNY at Oneonta:It's amazing to think that when you made your first gift to our college, today's students were not even born!  Laura 2:You are simply amazing. For 25 years, you've provided incredible opportunities for countless students. Thank you.  Wheaton College:Institution has experienced various changes over the past twenty‐five years, but there are at least two things that have not changed: your commitment to institution, and our comittment to Christ and His Kingdom. (our motto)  UAA:Do you know that the first person you helped is now the CFO at XXX?  Your dedication is an inspiration ....  Manhattan School of Music:Your long‐term support has made a significant difference to the talented young musicians you have helped.  Queens University:For more than 25 years your generous support has changed the lives of our future leaders. Thank you for the difference you have made.  Abilene Christian University:question ‐ can we all get a copy of the submissions on this?  Lynne Wester:yes acu  

Writing Workshop for Advancement Professionals | 02.25.2016 Bibliography On attention span http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/our-attention-span-is-now-less-than-that-of-a-goldfish-microsoft-study-finds-10247553.html Signal to noise ratio http://www.alloutdigital.com/2012/07/what-is-signal-to-noise-ratio-in-online-marketing/ http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2012/05/ranking-for-signal-to-noise-ratio.html Storytelling https://www.melcrum.com/research/strategy-planning-tactics/science-behind-storytelling English vs. Journalism http://insights-into-tefl.blogspot.com/2007/03/difference-between-academic-and.html