unsent letter guide 2nd edition

The Unsent Letter Guide by Natalie Lue

www.baggagereclaim.com Copyright Naughty Girl Media 2013 2

Published by Naughty Girl Media

Natalie Lue asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

Copyright © 2013 Natalie Lue

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any

form. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,

recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.

Please also note that this guide is the [British] English, not US English, which

means that there may be a ‘s’ where you expect a ‘z’ and other differences.



UNDERSTANDING THE PURPOSE OF

THE UNSENT LETTER

I’m a big advocate of using writing to understand you and to exorcise the pain. Hell,

it was writing my blogs and sharing my thoughts with thousands of people around

the world that helped me experience huge personal growth. Organising your

thoughts can lend perspective and help you to gain closure or, at the very least,

greater understanding and self-compassion on issues that you may believe are long

buried but are actually still impacting you now. In order to exorcise your past, you

need to find peace and closure by breaking up with and, where possible, forgiving the

people who still have a hold on your heart, mind and feelings.

That said - the most important person to forgive in all of this is… you.

When you hold onto toxic thoughts and emotions by not expressing and processing

them, the person most impacted is you. Often when we are angry with others, we are

also very angry with ourselves, as if we failed in some way and caused whatever it

was to happen. Sometimes holding onto all of these feelings and thoughts becomes a

security blanket that stands in the way of us having to take responsibility for

ourselves. It gives us a purpose and often an excuse for why we’re not stepping up.

Unfortunately it can end up feeling like a never-ending punishment and very often,

people who don’t feel their feelings and process them end up experiencing

depression and other health issues, plus there’s a likely knock-on effect in terms of

how they feel about themselves (self-esteem) and the types of situations that they

engage in.

It’s understandable to feel hurt and angry when someone has wronged or hurt

you, but there comes a point when you have to question what you’re gaining out of

holding onto these thoughts and feelings. I hear from people who are knocking on

seventy who are still going over hurts that happened when they were a child and

experiencing this sense of injustice that their parents didn’t step up. They’ve possibly

devoted most of their lives to trying to ‘make’ these people be different. It’s not that



certain people haven’t hurt and wronged us or that they couldn’t do with changing,

but there comes a point in our lives when we have to evaluate why we’re still trying to

get these people to change or are even expecting them to belatedly take up their

parenting responsibilities, when we could be bringing about change in our own lives.

The trouble with holding onto anger and the other myriad of negative

thoughts and emotions, is you end up with this mistaken impression that until you or

others are held fully accountable for these, you cannot do anything. Other people not

changing shouldn’t stop you from getting on with your own life and doing what you

need to do for you.

We’re creatures of habit and what people do is about them not others and

their ‘worth’. They may be stuck in long-term habits that they gain some sort of

payoff from, even if it’s at the expense of others. People do what they do due to their

own habits, thoughts, fears, motivations, assumptions etc., which means that

blaming you for their inadequacies and judging you as inadequate is grossly unfair,

especially if you blame you for what happened to you as a child or for abuse you may

have experienced as an adult.

The goal of the Unsent Letter is to release anger and other pent up

emotions by writing out your thoughts and feelings on the issues that

have a hold on your heart, head and emotions.

While a certain amount of satisfaction could be derived from letting your exes,

parents, friends etc., know exactly what you think, not only am I pretty sure that they

don’t want to hear all of this from you, but, more importantly, it actually won’t

achieve the overall objective, which is to move on. In fact, if you send the letter, it’s a

bit like passing the baton of your pain under the guise of believing that you’re being

‘helpful’, but actually you’re being hurtful. You’ll be prolonging your pain and the

drama that results from the dynamic that exists between you both, whether it’s

directly in a confrontation or indirectly by still being angry and continuing to allow

the issues to impact you. Another unwanted side effect of sending the letter is that it

will inadvertently legitimise whatever reasons they think they have for whatever

they’ve been or done – basically, don’t go there.



It’s not that you might not have a conversation further down the line about the

issues that you address in your unsent letter, but the difference is that by working

through your feelings and thoughts, when you do have this conversation, you’re not

going to explode like a pressure cooker that’s been left on for too long. Time and

again I’ve heard from people who’ve had their own explosions after suppressing their

thoughts and feelings, and due to the way that they communicate them and the

reaction that they get, they end up feeling invalidated and the whole showdown ends

up being a distraction from the real issues. Suddenly it becomes about how they lost

their temper when, actually, behind their reaction was very real pain and truth. Next

thing you know, they’re apologising and almost wiping out the truth and they end up

in more pain as well as being angry with themselves.

You never have to feel like this if you validate your feelings and thoughts

and work through them on paper.

Of course one of the biggest objections I get to the concept of unsent letters is, ‘But it

won’t be closure unless I let them know exactly how I think and feel!’ You know

what? Not everybody has the option of being able to pull people aside and get them

to help with their closure work, whether it’s because they’ve passed away, they’re

difficult to locate, or because they’ve moved on to someone else.

Closure is something that can be achieved on your own without you having to

sit down with the parties involved or call them up because, ultimately, a lot of what

you’re thinking and feeling is not just about the situation and the person, but also

how you’re judging you or struggling with disappointment.

More often than not, when you seek answers, closure and remorse from others,

they tend not to meet your hopes and expectations, possibly creating more questions

than answers if you continue to rely on these people to provide you with the

‘definitive’ truth. Sometimes when you seek closure from others it’s the equivalent of

‘Tell me that what I know or think is true’, but you can do this. Validate you, because

putting it all on another person to validate you is giving them too much power and

you can find many of the answers within you and make peace, if you process your

thoughts and keep your feet in reality. Making peace with you makes it easier to



manage the impact of these people in your life – as long as you know what’s up, you

don’t need to worry about whether they’ve seen the light yet or experienced what you

believe is appropriate karma, and instead can ensure that you now live your life with

boundaries and values.

You could go from here to eternity trying to make sense out of other

people’s nonsense and letting these thoughts and feelings crash around

unaddressed, or you can let it all out and gradually feel happier.

I also hear from a lot of people who don’t ‘do’ anger as if it’s a ‘bad’ emotion and

beneath them, when, in fact, anger is healthy and necessary for letting you know

when you feel wronged, offended or that you’ve been denied something that you

expected to happen. Anger lets you know that you need to check in with you and

examine where these feelings come from. If you carry on as if anger is only for

abusive people, you are ridding you of a vital opportunity to understand your own

boundaries and those of others. You will also find that you not getting angry won’t

stop others from expressing their opinions and anger.

Anger is a very valid emotion that many people have negative associations

with due to previous experiences of somebody else’s anger, or feeling that they

experienced negative consequences as a result of expressing their own anger.

Particularly when you’re a people pleaser suppressing your needs, expectations and

wishes, or you’ve been trained since childhood to invalidate your own feelings and

perspective, it’s likely that when you have expressed anger, it’s erupted due to

repeated suppression.

What you will learn from the unsent letter process is that not every experience

of anger looks like or has to be like what you’ve previously experienced. Rage

(uncontrollable anger) is extremely different to anger. Unsent letters not only give

you the opportunity to say what’s on your mind, but, by clearing out and giving a

voice to your feelings, the next time you feel angry, you will understand where that

anger comes from and be able to deal with it in a better manner.



‘Do I have to forgive?’ is a nagging concern that lingers when people

embark on this process and my answer is: the primary goal is not about forgiving

others, but you will find that you achieve the same outcome and primary goal by

forgiving you – letting go and moving on. You’re not God, a higher power, a supreme

court judge or even Judge Judy, so 99.9% of the time, you don’t need to run off and

tell this person that you forgive them – you just need to show that you’ve let go by

forgiving you, and this in itself takes care of the whole process. If you forgive you,

that resentment you may feel towards them or any expectations that they ‘should’ do

such-and-such will fade away.

I’ve never thought or written ‘I forgive you’ about any of my exes for

instance, but I have forgiven myself and moved on, so what did or didn’t

happen no longer has a claim on me.

It’s critical to write an unsent letter or few if you’re struggling with grief, a sense of

rejection, festering anger, a sense of injustice (like the other person is ‘too happy’

while you’re suffering), or are possibly avoiding dealing with a recent hurt or loss due

to knowing on some level that facing your pain resurrects a previously unresolved

wound. If you continue to suppress your feelings and thoughts, or you let them

ramble around while responding to them with unhealthy thoughts and behaviour,

you’ll end up feeling far worse, possibly with more issues to add to your list.

If you don’t believe how toxic and ‘all over the place’ your thoughts are, the

next time your thoughts spiral, sit down and literally write whatever comes into your

head. It’s not an editorial process, so don’t worry about sounding ‘correct’ – just

write whatever is on your mind. You would be amazed at the amount of mumbo-

jumbo and seriously nasty thoughts that are reverberating in there on a day-to-day

basis and you will see these on paper. Suddenly it becomes clear why you can’t

concentrate or you feel sluggish and burdened, or you feel like you’re a terrible

person – because you hate the thoughts.

It doesn’t have to be like this or stay like this.



You will also find that if you give voice to your thoughts, that not only can you calm

feelings which you might currently be soothing with unhealthy responses (e.g. you’re

feeling sad and rejected, thoughts rambling around, call up ex or stuff yourself with

food until you feel ill, you feel sad, bad and rejected and lather, rinse, repeat), but

you will also feel lighter and start rebutting some of these thoughts and coming up

with solutions or conclusions to a thought process. Treat unsent letters as an

opportunity to unburden and connect with the real you. It’s easy to think that you

are your thoughts and feelings, but it’s only that you become your thoughts and

feelings if you allow them to wreak havoc all over your life without you consciously

stepping in. Not every thought is a fact and your feelings are yours and valid but they

don’t necessarily mean what you think they do. Change the meaning, change the

feeling.



GETTING STARTED

Over the past eight years or so, I’ve helped many people write letters to ex-lovers,

parents, bullies, silent assassin colleagues, siblings etc., and the problem tends to be

around knowing where to start. It took one reader three weeks to finally write her

letter because she secretly believed that writing it would make her breakup real,

which is the whole point... Some people have put it off for months and then when

they did it, they wondered why they waited so long.

This could end up being one of the best gifts that you ever give yourself,

so while you don’t have to be doing a jig, get behind the process instead

of being afraid of it.

You might find it easy to launch into writing a letter as you may have a boatload of

hurt waiting in the wings, but, equally, it can take several attempts or a switch to

story mode, which is basically telling the story of your relationship or the chain of

events. It might sound like a fluffy fairy tale initially, but as you write and tap into

your feelings, you won’t be able to avoid the truth and you’ll probably be able to

switch to letter mode.

Imagine that you had the chance to say exactly why you were angry,

frustrated, disappointed, hurting, confused etc., what would you say?

Imagine that they're listening - say it.

Make the time to sit down and write (it’s more cathartic and expressive than typing)

a letter to each of your exes, plus, if you have parental issues, write a letter to each

parent, too. You can do it in chronological order or in order of pain, but sit down and

write a letter to each of your significant exes (or all of them if you have the time!) and

anyone else who impacts on your sense of self.



If you still feel pissed off, if you’re still judging you about something or if you’re still

holding out hope that somebody will spontaneously combust into a different person

or swoop back into your life, those involved should be on your letter list.

When you’re finished, read the letter out loud a few times with emotion and

conviction and when you’re done, burn it. No need to create a house fire... but

certainly extinguish your negativity and set yourself free. Or get rid of it – a shredder

is very handy! With exes that you feel distraught over now, you can always hold onto

it for a few months and read it back further down the line when things are less raw -

you’d be amazed at how the passage of time and some genuine focusing on you will

mean that when you look at the letters a few months down the line, you may even

laugh. Try not to keep them at home if you can though as mentally there will still be a

sense of these thoughts, feelings and this person occupying a great deal of space.

It might be that you need to write several or even a hundred or more letters,

possibly to the same person – this is totally normal and as you detox, you’ll

neutralise the effect of these feelings and gain a clearer head. You may be surprised

though – sometimes you think you might need to write for the next fifty years and

then you write a few and it has a domino effect and you feel miles better very quickly.

It helps if while writing these letters, you support you with some self-care, so

basically be kind to you.

The whole unsent letter process is similar to cleaning out your closet. You’ll

pull out everything and discover stuff that you didn’t even know was there. Your job

is to examine the contents, fold up and tidy away what you can and throw away

anything useless (unhealthy beliefs) so that your body, mind and spirit has room to

breathe and be there for you. Over the next few pages I’ve put together some

questions and ideas which act as prompts to get your writing juices flowing plus

there’s an additional worksheet to help you. Good luck!



IDEAS FOR WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR

LETTER

FOR PARENTS/CAREGIVERS

I think that writing a letter that combines an element of story mode helps because

you can write about events that you may have buried in detail and challenge them

with adult perspective – you would be surprised at the number of people who are

well into adulthood, but when they think about a childhood event or someone from

their childhood, it’s with the perspective of the age that they experienced it, or based

on longstanding conclusions that don’t reflect who they truly are or even the real

version of events. You will know that this is you if you’re still blaming you for what

somebody did when you were a child.

I found writing about certain events in detail caused me to notice things that I

hadn’t before, such as remembering preceding events, comments that were made or

something that happened afterwards. This is because we can spend our whole lives

focusing on one aspect of an event that fits within our story of our beliefs about love,

relationships and ourselves. As we grow up and experience further knocks, we pull in

‘data’ from the past to justify our perception of ourselves and our lives, and

sometimes that involves ‘tweaking’ our interpretation of events to fit that story.

Looking at a childhood event through adult eyes is an exercise in empathy, because

you don’t make what you’re viewing all about you and can suddenly recognise who

someone really was or what they were doing. You recognise insecurity, immaturity,

and the nuances of adult relationships that you wouldn’t have been aware of back

then. I had so many a-ha moments and found myself laughing about things that had

hurt me for a very long time because I realised how ridiculous it was that an adult

would behave or treat a child in such a manner.

If you’re having difficulty knowing where to start, then start at the

beginning.



You can take most of the elements of what is needed for the ex letter (see next

section), but what is important is listing the things that you believe about you as a

result of your interactions with this person as a child and adult.

Where possible, note the main incident or what was said to trigger that

belief.

It may be useful to consider whether this incident contributed to a negative

association that you still currently have and the effect that it’s had on you. For

instance, it may be that they said something highly critical, maybe there were other

negative consequences and now, as an adult, you are still afraid of disappointing

people and getting things ‘wrong’ because you associate it with disapproval and not

being ‘good enough’, when, in fact, getting things ‘wrong’ is how we learn to get

things ‘right’ and there’s nothing wrong with this.

Express every unexpressed and previously expressed feeling and pour it

out because what you are seeing on paper is you.

What was your earliest memory? Explain how you felt and try to capture

as much as possible.

Write down your earliest memory of your feelings about your parent(s).

If your feelings changed dramatically, explain why this changed. For instance, your

earliest feelings may be of feeling loved and prioritised but, over time, you felt

increasingly unloved and disapproved of due to the way that they dealt with a

younger sibling. It might be that you associate the change in your feelings with this

belief that you’d disappointed them in some way or maybe you saw something that



you weren’t meant to and it broke your trust. Whatever they were, try to identify any

specific events and experiences that contributed to the change in your feelings.

Note events that stand out and say why you remember them and how you

felt as a result of each one.

Don’t hold back and if you get upset, sad, or experience a range of grief emotions,

you’re on the right track. Try to listen to how you feel without judgment. Don’t give

you a hard time for the feelings that come up, acknowledge their presence, let them

pass, give you a hug and write whatever springs to mind.

Did you feel vulnerable, unloved, abandoned, sidelined, disrespected,

ignored, disregarded, unappreciated, unacknowledged, second best,

third best? What did you feel?

If these have been recurrent feelings, note where else you have felt these in your life

as it will help you to connect the dots between old pain and where it’s showing up as

a pattern.

What were the hopes and expectations that you had of your

mother/father/caregiver and what did you believe were their reasons for

not meeting them?

If you blamed you in some way, explain this and consider whether this is still the

perspective that you hold or whether you now feel differently – this may reveal itself

over more than one letter.



Are you trying to right the wrongs of the past?

If you drew very negative conclusions about you based on these experiences or you

took the blame for certain things, are you now trying to ‘correct’ these in your present

day and/or in some of your past relationships and experiences? How have you been

doing this? By recognising where you’ve judged you far too harshly and even blamed

you for other people’s inadequacies, you can see where you’ve been trying to ‘make

up’ for this and then acknowledge that you’ve felt badly about responsibilities that

you shouldn’t have taken on or been landed with in the first place.

What have you learned about your mother/father/caregiver as a result of

confronting your feelings?

Acknowledge how you feel about them today, accept your realisations and if you feel

ready to say it or want to, say that you forgive them and what you’re forgiving them

for. If you don’t feel ready or want to, that’s fine and include your reasons why in the

letter – self-validation.

Grieve the regrets.

It’s very important to acknowledge all of the things that you’d hoped for your

younger self, which may be the childhood that you didn’t get to experience, or the

person who you think that you could have been now if only certain things had been

done differently. What are the opportunities that you think that you missed? What

type of person do you think that you would have been? Why do you feel sad for that

child within you that has still sought their approval, love or change in some way?

Why does it hurt so much? What are you going to do for you now that will help to

nurture and help you to be the best that you can be? Acknowledge who you are – you

are not a heap of flaws. There are good and great things about you that you may not

even recognise.



It was oh so empowering and unburdening for me to finally recognise who I was and

am in spite of what I experienced in childhood. Yeah, I made mistakes in adulthood

– a lot of them – but there’s nothing to say that I wouldn’t have made these mistakes

even if I’d been living in Sweet Valley High with The Perfect Parents™. Letter writing

helped me to face the fact that I was dealing with my feelings about my parents with

the emotional and mental outlook of me aged five or even less. I wasn’t to blame for

them not being together or for who they were and this was so evident when I pulled

my innermost thoughts and concerns out of me and laid them bare on paper. It was

realising that I was beating myself up for a childhood I couldn’t change while ducking

out of my responsibilities in my adult life that was a catalyst for wanting to let go of

my hurts and expectations for my parents. I cried. But you know what? I

immediately felt like a weight had been taken off and stopped making my life about

them.

What do you forgive you for?

What do you realise now that you’ve been doing this exercise? What have you been

hard on you about? What do you forgive you for, even if it wasn’t your fault? Many of

the people I hear from who are struggling with their feelings have been blaming

themselves for as long as they can remember. A good place to start in this area is to

imagine that a child was telling you this chain of events or what they felt responsible

for - would you blame him/her? Would you expect this child to be punished for years

on end? Would you think that it was appropriate that they even felt as if they should

have this responsibility in the first place? If you have your own child, is what you’ve

been thinking about you, what you would think about him/her? It’s highly likely that

you wouldn’t, so why are you being so hard on you and what can you say to forgive

you and let go? How can you take the first steps towards letting go and moving away

from it? Stop doing the equivalent of going back to rub your face in your sick! Forgive

you for what you didn’t know or do at the time, even if in retrospect you realise that it

would have been ridiculous to expect someone of that age to have had that

responsibility or knowledge in the first place.



FOR EX PARTNERS

Whether it was one date, a few, a fling, a relationship, a long-term

relationship/marriage, a crush/fantasy relationship, or an affair, you need to break

up with every last ex who’s still got a hold on your thoughts and your heart, because

until you do, your life is effectively on hold and any judgments you’re making about

you as a result of these experiences can have far reaching consequences, including in

your choice of future partners.

Regardless of how long you were together or whether you even ended up being

involved, each of these experiences that still has a claim on space within you is a loss.

You had hopes and expectations and if you’re still simmering, it’s because you’ve

internalised that disappointment and possibly perceived it as some sort of rejection.

If you don’t process this loss, you’ll either keep going back to your pain source to

make you feel better about that loss or try to right the wrongs of the past with new

partners. Writing an unsent letter will help you to grieve.

Your reasons for writing to this person.

You want to close this particular chapter, clarify why you were hurt, how the

relationship or their actions affected you, and why it’s important for you to write to

them now. List exactly what you are still angry and hurt about, how you felt at the

time of the breakup, how you felt during the relationship as a result of their actions

and acknowledge your own contribution. Don’t judge the reasons why you’re writing

this letter – the fact that you’re still holding onto this stuff is a sign that something

hasn’t been validated and writing will help you to identify what this is so that you can

validate you.

One of the toughest things that people who are struggling to get over a relationship

battle with is regret – wanting to turn back time and do things differently, which

can cause them to spend too much time living in the past. This might be because

they are blaming themselves for someone else’s actions or it can also be because

they said or did things during the involvement that compromised their sense of self.



In fact, this relationship may have involved suppressing their identity and being a

people pleaser, so ignoring their needs, wishes and expectations to gain approval,

love etc.

If you have regrets, write them down in the letter. If you’re feeling regretful

about what in effect boils down to circumstances outside of your control or another

person’s actions, what can you say to add some perspective that supports you?

If you’re struggling, always ask yourself: They did this so what did it

mean to me or about me?

Note what you believed this person to be and now write down what you

know they are in reality – this may unfold organically as you write.

Addressing your assumptions and beliefs is particularly important if you had a lot of

illusions about this person, you put them on a pedestal, or you experienced Future

Faking (faking a future to get what they want in the present) or Fast Forwarding

(speeding up the beginning of the relationship to distract you with intensity while

crossing boundaries and camouflaging their code red behaviour). Write down why

you believed this person or why you wanted to believe them as well as

acknowledging where you may have ignored code red alerts. Don’t give you a hard

time – recognise what needs, expectations and wishes you were trying to get met and

what you would do differently next time. This helps you to learn from the insights

gained.

Be as honest as possible and vent every pent up feeling and thought until

you have it down on paper. You may find that if you write several letters to the

same person that more and more truth and realisations come up to the surface.



When you write about the chain of events (and this may be over the course of several

or even numerous letters), it’s important that you use this opportunity to

differentiate between your actions and theirs, so that you stop owning other people’s

behaviour and attempting to control the uncontrollable. If you wrestle with this while

writing, be honest about your reasons. For example, when I wrote to my ex, I wanted

to blame me for everything that had happened because it fit with this idea that I was

an unlovable hot mess so it kept me in my [uncomfortable] comfort zone of beating

me up. It can seem easier to blame you for everything because then it’s like, ‘Well,

I’m such a massive screw-up that there’s no point in bothering,’ plus it also means

that by taking blanket blame, you don’t have to look too closely and take real

responsibility for your own stuff.

What have you learned about you?

Challenge anything negative that you’ve believed as a result.

If you recognise ‘mistakes’ that you made, use this letter as a springboard

for learning from these insights by looking at where you can adapt your

habits.

Remember that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

What do you forgive you for?

What do you realise now that you’ve been doing this exercise? What have you been

hard on you about? What do you forgive you for, even if it wasn’t your fault?

Whatever you believe that you’ve really screwed up over, what is it going to take for

you to let it go? Remember that ‘punishment’ can’t and shouldn’t last forever. There

are criminals serving shorter jail sentences than what I see people persecuting

themselves for over their relationships. You have to make a decision to be done with



it so make the decision in your letters and then keep making the decision in any

subsequent letters as well as in your day-to-day actions. Forgiveness is a decision

that has to be honoured like every decision with the resolution of what you’re going

to do. Forgive you for what you didn’t know or do at that time – you are and were

human, you want to be loved and to love, and sometimes in that quest, you take a bit

of a detour. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last but you never have to go

through this experience again if you do the processing work.

Summarise what you now recognise about the relationship and that even though you

realise that you may still love this person at this present moment, that you are going

to endeavour to love you more.

SOME EXTRA TIPS

Much of what has been said about parents and exes applies for everyone else. If

you’re writing to a bully, the tips for parents and caregivers will be of particular

benefit – always remember that abuse is never acceptable nor is it ‘provoked’ by your

‘inadequacies’, which may be as simple as living and breathing. You did not deserve

to be bullied – it was someone abusing their power and exploiting what they

perceived as your vulnerability.

If it’s regarding a friendship, the tips for exes will be of benefit especially

because sometimes there’s a fine line between these and what you’re doing in your

romantic relationships.

If you’re writing to somebody who committed a crime against you, pick

the tips that are most appropriate for homing in on the feelings and thoughts you’ve

been left with, the effect of their actions on your life and how you feel about you, why

you’re angry with you (even though on some levels you may recognise that it’s



irrational) and what you realise about these reasons, along with the forgiveness of

you. If you feel that they haven’t experienced justice, write about how this is affecting

you and your ability to move forward. Acknowledge where you’re struggling and how

you’re going to remove their power over your life, regardless of what happens to

them.

Don’t worry about editing. You’re writing out your emotions – get them out on

paper and focus on getting your thoughts out of your head. Start with Dear... and

just write.

What do you wish you could tell this person? Sometimes this is the easiest

way to start. As you write this all out, various emotions will come up, but you will

also likely begin hearing the reasons why you’re not saying this stuff straight to their

face or why you’ve stopped expecting from this person.

If you really embrace using this exercise to vent your feelings, organise your thoughts

and get perspective on past incidents, you’ll find that your feelings will

become less intense.

Evaluate your own responsibility in the situation as well as theirs. This

will help to calm you and inject objectivity so that when you’re done, you can look at

what you can do to get happier and be your authentic self who is enjoying life and

your relationships. Writing unsent letters is also hugely beneficial for learning how to

deal with conflict because you learn how to differentiate between facts and

insecurities, your contribution versus theirs so that when you do raise issues, you

don’t end up making them responsible for the wrong things. You also have a better

sense of how you feel and why plus you don’t end up feeling like a victim every time



conflict arises, going in there with all guns blazing or playing out the same battles

over and over again.

You don’t have to do this all in one sitting. I highly recommend if you’re

currently experiencing a stressful situation with someone like a breakup that you do

this over a series of letters. If you feel the urge to talk, write a letter saying whatever

you have to say. Initially, if you’re feeling too overwhelmed to want to speak with

them or argue, sit down each day and write a letter. Let me remind you though –

please don’t send it.

You may find it useful to sit down each day when your mind tends to be

at its busiest - first thing in the morning, bedtime or when you’re feeling stressed

seem to be most popular amongst readers.

If you find that you’ve got a lot on your mind and a number of issues have come up

that you feel that you need extra help with, use this process as a springboard

for getting that help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just imagine if you’d

continued ignoring these thoughts and feelings – they would just be contributing to a

toxic build-up. It may feel like you’ve opened Pandora’s box and that you want to

close it and go back to a time when you didn’t know what was going on inside you or

you did, but you shut it down with avoidance and negative self-talk, but you have to

consider if you truly want to go back there and keep reliving the same experiences.

There are various support groups on all sorts of subjects (I highly recommend

meetup.com as well as checking the noticeboards at your doctor’s office/local

hospital), plus grief counselling, therapy (there are a few different types so

investigate the most appropriate one) and alternative health options including

kinesiology and acupuncture (I did both).



Helping and supporting you will lead to a happier, healthier you reflected in your

general health and sense of wellbeing.

Don't forget to use the accompanying worksheet for additional prompts.

Good luck and remember: there’s nothing wrong with being angry – it’s holding it in

and not processing it that causes a lot of problems!



I’m Natalie, writer of Baggage Reclaim. Since September

2005, I’ve been using my blog to help transform the lives of

people who want to understand why they’re in shady

relationships and/or why they’re struggling with low self-

esteem. After sharing my own experiences with readers and

making huge changes in my life, I realised that I wasn’t

alone and that there are lots of people just like me. Ever

since, I’ve been distilling my no bullshit insight into

empowering and inspiring advice, tips and tools to help

people who think that this is as good as it gets or that they’re ‘not good enough’, to

get out of their uncomfortable comfort zone and get happy and healthier.

Baggage Reclaim is now read by over half a million people each month.

Visit the blog: www.baggagereclaim.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/baggagereclaim

Twitter: @baggagereclaim @nataliemlue

Please note that this quick guide is not a substitute for medical advice, not least

because I’m not a doctor. If you feel that you’re unable to help yourself alone or

with support from friends and family, it’s critical that you seek professional

support. If you’re already diagnosed with a condition that affects your rationale,

while you may find this quick guide useful, please also ensure that you seek

guidance that’s specific to your condition.

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