the words i never said, volume 1

8/14/2019 The Words I Never Said, Volume 1

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THE WORDS I

SAIDNEVER


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THE WORDS I NEVER SAID.A COLLECTION OF ANONYMOUS RANTS. FALL 09.

DAYS 1-5: Rants collected during the days oNOVEMBER 15 to 19.

03BEGINNINGSDAYS 6-15:

Rants collected during the days oNOVEMBER 20 to 29.29 MIDDLE & ENDDAYS 15+:

Notes on PROJECT PROCESSand ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.57CLOSING NOTES

TABLE OFCONTENTS

EDITORS NOTEPROJECT PREMISE

NSPIRED by PostSecret; the Freudian de ense techniques, the law o closure, and other psychological theories,The Words I Never

Said (WINS) is a college project rooted in con ession. The point issimple: to admit the words never said to someone or closure. Par-ticipants were given three guidelines: rants would be anonymous andcould be sent through e-mail, Facebook message, or posted on theFacebook groups wall; rants should be one paragraph minimum;and rants could contain language as long as the language was justi-fed. All rants received were edited just or punctuation and typos. Asan editor, I made a point to preserve the rants language in its entirety.

All rants received romNovember 15-29 can be ound on the ollow-ing pages. -ALYSSA BAILEY

I


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BEGINNINGSDAYS 1-5

he Words I Never Said was launched onFacebook November 15. These are the rants

received through email, Facebook message andposted on the groups wall in thefrst fve days.

T


4/60

04To my ex, Im sorry I hurt you.

You know I never wanted to and i I could go backto the way it was be ore everything

happened to make me change how I eel aboutyou, I would. But what youre doing now, it isnt

air. You were my best riend or our years. FOURYEARS. I thought I was going to marry you, have

your kids. I thought I was going to be the lucky girlwhose rst boy riend was going to be the one orher, never to have to experience a broken heart.

... I was wrong.

To the girl down the hall:I know youre an honor student. We all know youre an honors stu-dent. Even though Im an honors student too, I am not going to callmysel smarter than everyone who isnt. And no matter how

much you want me to agree with you, I never will.

De a r Do m i n ic M o n a g h a n: Please stop dating that chick from

Lo st and date me.

To two o my good riends:Enough is ucking enough. She made a mistake thatdoes not mean you have to tear your relationshipapart. Yes, she should have ought harder to keep youas her riend. I will not take sides; I love you both somuch. I hate to see you two apart. Even a blind per-

son can see that you both still care or each other.Open your eyes

and then maybe youll agree with me.

I miss you even though you werenever there. Even though I see how

much better o I am without you,sometimesit still hurts .

I a lw a y s w o n de r e d w hat i t w as l i ke t o be pr et t y ,

t o hav e guy s c al l y ou h o t , c u t e and b e a u t i f u l. I v e onl y hear d t hose w or d s r e er r i ng t o me r om t he mout h o gi r l s. C ome t o t hi nk o i t , t he w or d o a gi r l

i s pr et t y i nac c ur at e, no? P er haps t hat s w hy gi r l s seek boy r i end s at suc h an ear l y age: t o hav e someone t her e t o t el l t hem t hat t hey r e beaut i ul and mean i t . E asi l y c onv i nc i ng c omi ng r om a guy , per haps?


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THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5BEGINNINGS

It seems to me that everyones de ault avorite seasonis all. You love all, he loves all, they all love all. Okay, I get it, thworld loves all; Ill just shrivel up and die like everything else in this

god orsaken season. The air is cool and crisp, the colors are soastonishingly beauti ul, the leaves are so much un! says the igno-

rant person. Allow me to correct you. The air is cold and so dry thatmy skin begins to resemble a desert. There are maybe three or ourdays in all when the clouds clear up and blue is visible. The colorsare there or all o one week. The reds, the golds, the dark greens.

Ill admit it, its breathtaking, just like every computer background

and New England postcard argues. But then, only a ew days later,everything is brown, brown, brown. Euch. And the leaves. No, no,no, no. The leaves are not un. The leaves areDEAD. When theyre

wet, they stick to your tires and make driving hellish, and when theyredry, every time you step on them they burst into millions o paper thin

pieces, get into your shoes and then you have to walk home withlea y gravel grating into your eet. And this whole amily raking o the

leaves then jumping in them and they go poo .ITS A LIE . Hallmarkdid it. What kind o weird cult amily rakes leaves together and actu-ally enjoys it? Whose Kool Aid have they been drinking?? And the

poo ? Yeah, that never happens. Because the leaves are tooSLIMY and FILTHY and FULL OF BUGS to poo anywhere! Its more

like splat. Splat. Oh, look, theres the idiot who thought it would be agood idea to dive head rst into a heap o rotting oliage. Going toMed School that one.GOING TO MED SCHOOL SO THAT THE

MED STUDENTS CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT GROTESQUEDISEASE YOU PICKED UP WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY

SWALLOWED THAT CATERPILLAR IN THE LEAVES. Andthen theres the ashion. The scarves, the gloves, the jackets, the boots.

I love all o these things. You know what else I love? Huh? Variety.Because only in all and winter do I wear the exact same thing every-

day: jeans, boots, a shirt and my coat. So all you people who lovethe crisp cool air and the gorgeous leaves can just cry in your

little corner with a box o tissues next to you. You know why?

Because with all comes FLU SEASON.

T o F a t P e op le : W ould y ou please st op w ear ing skinny jeans? I dont t hink y ou under st and t he concept .


6/60

06Ode to a Cranky Front Desk Worker:

You dont care about my li eWhether or not it is experiencing

A high or a low.Thats ne since I dont care

About your li e either.I barely know you

Beyond your rst nameAnd your job description,Even though I rst met you

When I was a young, innocent,And obnoxious child.

While I admit that yourHatred o me may have been born

From the childish antics oMy riends and I,

Your constantly cloudy moodHad never a ected me be ore

Last Friday.Despite the act

That we had never been close,You wounded my eelingsWorse than they had ever

Been injured be ore.I hadnt paid what I owed,

And your job is to make sureThat I did.

Your snappy reprimandsAnd cutting voiceRuined my day.

I will always rememberThe way you told me,This is getting old.

I will always remember

The way you stared at me,Expecting me to solveThe problem o my debt.I only want to tell you this,

When I grow up, I want to beThe exact opposite o what

You grew up to be.Not many peopleLike mean, bitter,

Old maids.

To a teacher:I dont think you know how important this is to

me how important it HAS been always. Ac-ademics were my thing. Its what I did best. Iworry now about my grade. I wanted to provemy old teacher wrong and do well in your class.But in the end I was disappointed. I worked hardevery night to master the material. I took the testsoptimistically. But then I wasnt good enough. Ialmost was.But 0.01% away rom being good enough. I know it is hardly anything tocomplain about, in retrospect, but knowing thatSHE was good enough saddens me. I wantto prove I am just as good as she is because Iknow I am. Please let me. Today in class we alldid poorly on the test, and Im a raid o doingeven worse in your class.I need you to reas-

sure me that I am capable, that I amsmart. I need you to do more thanteach. Please.

Your ign or a n ce speaks volumes about your character.

Y ou f ucked behind t he school, and y ou slobber ALL ov er t he hallw ay s. Y oure not

a cut e couple, and Im t ired of seeing y ou t w

o w it h each ot her. GE T A R OOM !


7/60


To a t ea c h e r : I dont think you kno w

ho w much you hurt me. I dont think you kne w ho w in just ve min

utes you

broke m y heart. I dont think you comprehended ho w I de ended you

when e ver yone else put you do wn. I dont think it e v

er struck you ho w that

was e ver ything to me that it was e ver ything I e ve

r worked or.

S n a t c h ed .

Out in that hall in minutes.

One con versation.

Without e ven a second thought.

I c r ied t h a t d a y. A nd e v e r y t ea r I m ea

n t .

Because that thing was m y world. Because it taug

ht me the pain ul les -

son that hard work isnt al wa ys enough that m y b

est and m y e ver ything

werent enough. There is no such thing as entitlemen

t. There was nothing I

could sa y, and nothing I did was enough e ven thou

gh I went abo ve and

be yond al wa ys. E ven though e ver yone put their be

ts on me, e ven though

it was m y heart and li e you tore to shreds.

And then you le t. And I put a smile on. I wrote you

a letter ull o bright

words, and I just acted. We were riends.

You le t thinking e ver ything was OK.

I t s s t i l l n o t .

I trusted you and thought I could be open. I did

nt want to hurt you

because I kne w deep do wn, beneath that venee

r o po wer, you were

vulnerable. Its been years, and youll ne ver kno w

. But I dont want to

pretend an ymore. No re jec t io n le t t e r , n o

f r ie n d , n o bo y h a s

e v e r d e n t ed m e t h e w a y y o u d id i n t h a

t o n e co n v e r s a t io n.

Youre not a bad person. But what you did was th

e worst thing an yones

e ver done to me.

T o e v e r y s in g le g ir l w h o h a s w or n le g g in g s a s p a n t s on t h is ca m p u s : Leggings ar e not pant s, y ou idiot ! I t hink y ou must hav e one pair o pant s in y our closet . Y ou dont look good in t hem eit her .


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08 To my rst:You meant so much to me, and I would have loved to take you back. It wasjust too hard a ter everything that had happened between us. You were my

rst and will always be special to me, andI hope that you have a li elled with happiness and that your pain goes away.

To a l l t h ose t wee n

g i r ls :

Ge t o ver i t. L i fe mo ves on.

T ha t s

a l l t here is to i t. I was inse

cure,

sure, bu t no t a

s muc h as you.

You wa tc h too man y mo v ies,

ha ve too muc h drama...

... I go t o ver m y

worr ies a bou t m yse l f;

y o u s h o u ld a l l t oo.

I stopped talking to you because you didnt care. Remember the day that I told you about my depression, sitting in my car in ront o yourhouse? Ill never orget because you didnt care. My best riend doesnt care that I get

diagnosed with a disorder that makes me sad and upset and irritable and you just ... ig-nore me. Youve said that its my ault were not riends anymore. No. I

handed you the most vulnerable, raw, wounded part o me, and youtossed it on the foor o my car. I you cared, Id have told you it got better and

then a lot worse. Id have told you about my struggles with suicidal thoughts and myissues with anxiety. You would knowabout all my doctors, how I eel about

my medications and how I hide ev-erything rom the rest o the world. I

would have let you in. But because othe way you treated me, I shut you out

harder than any o the rest o them.

And in case you didnt know, youare actually at and kind o ugly. Youhave the potential to be a really

pretty girl but that would require youto care, I guess. Youre also kind o

gross. Spreading your legs with adress on is just disgusting, the way you

eat makes me eel ill and you kind o

smell bad. All o that was mildly ac-ceptable while we were riends, but iyoure a cruel person on top o that,

you seriously need to reassess whats going on in your li e.

DMX:Theres no reason to start drama. Im not surewhat kind o a thrill youre getting out o this,

but youre putting me, my boy riend, and yoursister in a very awkward situation unnecessarily.Every one o my riends thinks

youre sketchy. And you have a at nose.


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I hate her. Ihate every word

that escapes

the beauti ulthreshold somepeople call amouth ... she

deserved it. Shenever shouldhave lived.Shes a liar!

Shes a ake! So

... why do I insiston saving her?Why do I con-tinue to risk mytrue happiness

to save her romdrowning in her

own patheticlies? No one

ucking believesme anymore.

Does that makeme her? Or was

I this girl romthe very start?

Is this blurb thatIm writing at

this exact instantnothing morethan a puddleo deceptions?

Who is really to decide

when rightrom wrong is so unde-

ned?

To the ex boy riend who used to

be D1 basketball player be orequitting to join the party scene:I have lost all respect or you. I used tobe in awe with your strong morals anddreams. Now I cant even look at you

in the ace without wanting to throw up.How someone can throw away a li etimes

amount o dreams or a world ull o

emptiness is beyond me.

is the word now associated whenever Isee your ace. I hope someday you grow

up to see the big picture.

Disappointing

I a m n o t y o u r m o t h e r . I hav e but one

c hi l d , and y ou ar e not her . I hav e mad e my l i e d ec i si on; I c annot hel p y ou make y our s. I w i l l not gui d e y ou by t he hand t o f gur e out t he l i t t l e nuanc es o r eal i t y . I w i l l not al l ow y our ex c uses t o d amage my t r ai l t o my ul t i - mat e goal . I w i ll, h o w e v e r , p o i n t o u t w h e n y o u a r e b e i

n g a n a r r o g a n t i m b e c i le . I w i l l show pr oo o y our i gno- r anc e. I w i l l pr ov i d e t he noose or y ou t o hang y our sel and t he d ec l ar at i on o y our st upi d i t y . Y ou ar e i nsi gni f c ant , and I w i l l t r eat y ou as suc h.

You took everything rom me,and now Im the one paying or it.


10/60

10 Its the car that people aspire to have. But is it the car that oneneeds? What o the Oldsmobile? The Oldsmobile may not be thecar that everybody wants, but its all anybody could need and is

actually superior to the Cadillac. Its just that not all drivers realize this.

The Oldsmobile gets ar better millage than the Cadillac. It is muchmore reliable and dependable, and one neednt constantly check up

on it to guarantee that its working; they know it is. The Cadillac hashorrible millage; one must constantly attend to it, buy more and more

gas or it to waste. Who wants something that one always has to payattention to when one can have something indelible and guaranteed

to not let you down?

The Cadillac is a big, boxy, non-aerodynamic behemoth, but it is ahot ride. Many merely overlook and ignore these faws or the sweetso leather and surround sound. But is this necessary? Why does one

absolutely need these things when the Oldsmobile is ne enough andactually better? And, in ten years, how many people keep that Cadil-lac? How many o these Caddie are still in constant use? Barely any.

And o the Oldsmobile?

Still working, still trucking, still reliable.

And yet all the drivers just want that expensive Cadillac. When theyrealize that all they need is that reliable Oldsmobile, itll be waiting.

Ill be waiting.

Everybody wants a Cadillac.

... I am an Oldsmobile.

W h e n y o u a s k e d m e i f w e w e r e j u s t f r i e n d s

b e c a u s e y o u l i v e d n e x t d o o r ,

I d i d n t s a y a n y t h i n g ... b e c a u s e t h e a

n s w e r w a s y e s .

Please stop whining.Your li e is not as terribleas you would like to be-lieve it is.Some peopleare born into coun-tries with civil war,and youre so upsetabout some minisculething? Whenever youstart to eel sorry or your-sel , you should really stepback, look at the biggerpicture, and be grate ul

or what you do have. Li ewill seem shorter and

happier that way.

To many:

I you use the words gay or

retarded out o contextonce more in my presence, Ill

do more than smack you.

Y o u p e o p l e ne e d t o ge t a l i e and s t o p s p r e ad i ng r umo r s . Y o u t hi nk I c ar e ab o ut y o ur p at he t i c l i t t l e l i e b ut I d o n t . Y o u a r e t h e l a s t t h o u g h t o n m y m i n d s o ge t o v e r y o ur s e l .


11/60


Its taken so long to getover the two o you.The time I

could have spent having un andmeeting new people was wasted on

thoughts o you. My visage was constantly ap-propriate to being at the deathbed o my best riend

during the weeks that ollowed. One o you even started

dating a girl I had to sit next to every time I ate lunch. It wasnot easy looking at her ace. You two taught me thereason hal o the songs on the radio are about broken hearts and ailed romances. You taught me

the reason I should stay away rom boys who seemeda bit too smooth, who always seemed to have a line

o witty repertoire that at once fattered and hu-

mored. You taught me how to be thegirl I am today. Thank you ormaking me stronger.

To all the boys who have broken my heart:

Love, Me.

Do you miss me? You slammed the car door

as you stormed out o the car and away rom my li e. Itseems like ages have passed. I dont recognize yourpersonality anymore. But I miss you, just a little, and wantyou to miss me a lot. I want you to want me.

You ha ve cared or me and been kind to

me all m y

li e, bu t the onl y thing you ha ve e ver taugh t me is to

be no thing like you beca u se e ve r y

t i m e y o u a r e

c r u e l t o h i m , I d ie i n s ide a l i t t le

m o r e .


12/60

12 I dont know why you did it. You made me love you then hate you, all within this shortspan o time. We were in love, and everyone knew it. We

were sickening. We promised we werent going to allin love neither believed in love in high school. But we de

ed our own expectations, and you said you loved me thatday in the park. I had been hoping you would.

So what happened? You got busy. I did too. I resentedit, and you were too busy to notice or care. I wanted youto; I wanted you to notice and care and show that youloved me. I believe that you did, and its not insecurity thatcaused me to worry, but rather the sadness at the act thatyou didnt care enough to show it. You dont understandgirls. I was being a girl, and you were being a boy.Boy meets girl. Boy woos girl. Boy loses interest. Girl

cries.

Then I had enough. We talked about it, tried a break, andthat a ternoon, sitting in my car parked at the corner o youstreet, you said I had given up. That I had not cared enoughto try.I wish you knew how much I had been trying

all this time. You dont believe me, and now you hateme. But I hope youre not mad orever.

I want to be riends to go back to how we were. It wiltake time, but I dont want this to be the end o us. I donlove you anymore, and I dont know i I ever can. I cantimagine it now but maybe. Later. Now, I just want to beable to talk to each other rst. But Im too stubborn to beg.I want you to come to me, to say that youre sorry.

So Im waiting. I hope you still care or me too.

In the meantime, you have made me cynical, and I hatethat. I want to say I hate you too.

... But I dont.

I still do not understandwhat is so di cult to under-stand. Read between thelines. The words I loveyou arent words I handout to just any old riend. Forsome unknown reason, youstill have not gured out thathearing your random drunkhook-up stories tears my

heart more and more eachweekend. Im not one o theboys, and I am certainly notgoing to be the girl who justlistens.I am too a raidto tell you straight or-

ward because I am tooa raid you will reject

me. Please just hear thewords I dont say and readthe words I cant write down.I really do love you.

Dad, the alse memories scare me.

I know you think its just aunny story , but Im scared. I dont knowi anything isreal anymore.


13/60


Im sorry I treated you like crap. You werethe best thing that had ever happened to me, and you

were the best thing I had going or me. I cantbelieve I let you slip through my ngers, and it was all

my ault too. Yet I blamed you. Im sorry I never gave usa chance to be as great as we could have been, but

I was scared . I hope you know that even thoughweve both moved on, you still have that special place

in my heart, and that no matter what,I will still careabout you . Maybe one day we can reconnect, and

things will go back to the way they were, but untilthen, Ill sit here waiting or someone else to distract

me rom what could have been with you.

I was e ve r y t h i n g you e ver wan ted

... and yo u s e t t led f o r les s?

I think I love you; I know you scare me.I wonder i this time and this place is nothing morethan a segment a chapter in both our lives. Iwonder i something this good can truly be orever,or i we aredoomed to resort back to the com orto riendship. I wonder why you like me, question

why you care .

To her:You said youalways hated me.You said you neverliked the way Ilooked, or talked or

anything else I did.

But younever hada reason.

You opened myeyes to the igno-rance in this world,and I hope youopen your eyes tothe pain you causepeople.

Youre a liar. I dont believe a wordyou say. Ever. Even i it could be true.SHUT THE FUCKUP! We all know youre a liar. We compare notes on the

stories you tell, and its ridiculous. Like honestly. Just ... shut up.

I wish that youwould noticeme, love me .

Thats all.


14/60

14To my roommate:

You are the worst person I know. You are sel sh, sel -deprecating, careless about yoursel and oth-ers and worst o all, youve made me question mysel as a person because I actually care about being thought ul toward other people. Why do you think I wont notice yourummaging through my top shel in the bathroom with all o my private stu ? I hate your need to alwhave something witty or clever to say.Nobody cares, and you dont have any substance

below all o that. Its a de ense mechanism. And why can you not understand why using my tooth-brush TWICE, including once while you were sick, is a problem? Thanks or apologizing and buyingme a new one though.Oh, wait, you didnt. All I got was you turning it on me like I was some reakbecause I care about hygiene. I know youve got your problems, but at least try to be honest and dealwith them instead o ucking random guys on the weekends and then complaining about your li e. I hatyour riends, they are alsosel -deprecating, sel -important, arrogant, and obnoxious .

Except Kelly I like Kelly. Also, Melanie? She seems pretty cool, and she was totally right not to accepyour apology. Youve been nothing but a bitch to her or no reason. Get over yoursel and Brendonwhile youre at it. You put yoursel in these situations, and I have no sympathy or

you. Also, just because I have a good relationship with my amily does not make me weak. It makesme stronger and is not a ault. Congrats on never talking to your parents: that makes you so mature. Youknow what also makes you mature?Never speaking up about what bothers you, bottling itup and then blaming your unhappiness on me when you could have brought it up. And screw you ornot having the balls to tell me youd been searching or a place, like I did the moment I decided wecouldnt live together anymore. Youre a coward. So you just walked in the door, my heart dropped.

I hate that you have this terrible e ect on me. I have never hated anyone, really. I hate you. I cant waitto never have to see you again. But we have mutual riends that I love. Ugh. I cant wait til youre out omy li e. Youre not worth the stress.

I m s ca r e d o t h is r ien d s h i p . It s only been a ew mont hs, but I eel like w er e spending all our t ime t o- get her . It s not t hat I dont like spending t ime w it h y ou, but I d on t w a n t t o g e t h u r t . T his eels like so many ot her r iendships t hat t ur ned int o somet hing else and ended so badly , and Imt er r ifed o t hat happening again.

Please stop ucking slammingyour closet doors at all hours othe night! We can hear every

time they open and close...

P lea s e s t o p making me feel like Im

some idiot for m y o wn decisions; the yre

m y o wn, and I can control m y o wn life.

M a y b e i t s n o t m e who should be

looking their personalit y o ver.

Y ou are liv ing proof t hat in t e llig e n ce a n d com m on s e n s e dont alw ay s go hand in hand.


15/60


You are not lactose intolerant! You

are a spoiled child who wants attention any way youcan possibly get it. I know, I know, you have a doctorsnote, and you get sick i you eat dairy.But HELLO! Ihave seen you accidentally eat ood with dairy in it, and

NOTHING happened. Even worse is when someonetells you what happened, and youSUDDENLY be-come ill. Oh, and by the way: WHIPPED CREAM

IS A DAIRY PRODUCT, and you eat it like its goingout o style! I know what you are thinking: Its just one othose things I can eat, and it doesnt bother me.BULL! I snuck cheese into the pasta dish when you were over at

my house! I snuck A LOT o cheese into the pasta dishand guess who didnt get sick?

Y O U

AS K T H E D

U M B -

E S T Q U ES T I O NS I HA V E

E V E R H EA R D. I F Y O

U W O U L D

J US T L I S T E N I N C

LASS, Y O U

W O U L D N T HA V E T

O AS K F O R

E V E R Y S I N G L E P O I N

T T O B E

R E P EA T E D. T H E N

P E O P L E

M I G H T N O T H A T

E

Y O U.

You seem like theper ect angel . Buthonestly, Ive seen you at times when

youre such a bitch . Maybe you dontrealize how you sound? I wonder who gaveyou so much authority that you consideryoursel above everyone else?NO ONE .


16/60

16 We allow ourselves to all or that selected emale riend who enriche

our lives in ways we cannot begin to articulate. Accepting the hardened idea that

eelings are not reciprocated. And why? Childish ears. Picture your best rienthe opposite sex. Someone you talk with, hang out with, invest yoursel in. I hthat best riend, and I have elt the void that exists when she is not an active parmy li e. And I ear the day when no longer can we have the currentrelationship because a stranger seems like less risk.

No matter the situation or the conditions,I will always be that person not

a raid to take the risks in knowing you as no other guy does.

W e made t he pr omise t o each ot her t hat w ed be

be s t r ie n d s or e v - e r . So w hat ex act ly is y our defnit ion o or ev er ? It s sur ely di er ent t han mine. I t hought it meant somet hing along t he lines o ... let s say , a li e t im e . Im st ar t ing t o t hink

t hat y ou only said t hose w or ds t o sat is y y our sel at t he moment , but y ou hav e no idea how much it act ually meant t o me. Y our e o t o bigger and bet t er t hings now , and I sincer ely hope y our e happy because y ou dont need me any mor e. Dont let me

st and in y our w ay ; I pr omise not t o bot her y ou. Bu t w h e n y ou n e e d m e , I ll s t ill be h e r e . W h e n I s a id or e v e r , I m e a n t it .

Ho w w w w w w w w w w w can you be so

blind? I ve lo ved yo u f o r f o u r yea

r s

no w ye t I s till eel as though you ha ve no

clue. In grade ten, e ver yone else could

see i t. Co u ld yo u ? And i you could or

i you did, can you please sa y some thing

no w? I were ne ver going to be an y thin

g

more than wha t we are no w, then j u s t

le t m e k n o w . I ve go t ten the eeling

o ver and o ver again tha t there migh t be

some thing more. No t kno wing or sure,

though, kills me. I lo ve you.


17/60


Its hard to athom what to say to you. I like to sayIcan read people, but you dont make any sense

at all.

I know she hurt you, and I did everything I could to helpyou get through it. We always talked and became way

too close, way too ast. Ill never understand it.

But I ell or you despite all your shortcomings. I triedto help you because I thought i I was that reliable girl,the person who was there when you needed them ...well, then maybe youd see Im someone worth takinga chance on. You deserve better than her, and Ithought or a long time I could be that person.

Youve always been sporadic though. You stopped talk-ing to me abruptly, and Im letting go. We never talked

about what was going on with us. I was terri ed to.

Its your apathy and logic. Its the act I had no idea whatyou thought. You told me you hadnt decided with

me yet. But I guess you made your decision now.

I think this is or the best.

I hate the e ect you had on me and how little I mean toyou. But you still mean something to me, no matter howmuch I wish you didnt. Im a nice girl, and I deserve bet-ter. For some reason though, I cant stop caring aboutyou. Ill say it was because there were sparks. I

hope you elt them too.

To a riend:

T o a r ie n d : P lease come back int o my

li e. I d on t w a n t ju s t t h e h e y s a n y -

m or e . I miss y ou. All w e

r eally need t o do is t alk y et

it s so di fcult .

Everything reminds me o you. Songswe danced to, places we visited, memories we cre-ated. I cant get you out o my mind, and right now

I want just that. I dont want to spite you.I wantto orget this bad time and get over you. I hope it gets better. Do you eel this way too?

I al wa ys wan ted to be one o

your p r e t t y g i r ls .


18/60

18Why are you so per ect yet not at all?

Youve done nothing to deserve it. You smoke, make sarcastic commentsand woo them all. You dont care. You could not care less that

countless boys have allen or you. You just wear your shnets,short skirts, and tight tee-shirts, as you talk in a nonchalant ashion ab

your love o video games, and they all at your eet. All three did. The you messed with or a year. I dont know him well, but his heartbreak makme sad. The second, the same. He matters to me because I cant help thinkthat I was a rebound at least at the beginning. He says hes happy it turnedout this way. But this is love. It doesnt just turn out. Its not supposed to.Itssupposed to be a result o ate, not convenience. I helped himask you out. You said no. He ell out o like (not love) with you and intowith me. I elt like a replacement. I was always jealous o you. I still am,I dont know why. I dont play video games. Ever. I dont wear tight shirtsshow o my curvy short body. Im tall, thin, and fat. I dont t the moldle t behind. And then he, the third boy, ell or you too. This time, you

urther. You accepted his o er. You are so pessimistic about relationshbut you said yes. You made him happy. So happy that I think hes blind t

your aults. You dont know.But in all honestly, I think you really do. And I hate that you dont care and will continue to break hearts.

Heartbreaker, I wish youd stop.

To the smarties who thinktheyre better than I am:Im not going to stick my head out any-time soon.Just you wait and see.

Ill be somebody someday. So keepon congregating with yourcliques and acting like theown the world. The walls

have ears, you know.

To the girl Im keeping secret:We know we want to be together,

but theres someone keeping us apart,so maybe we can be with one anothera ter you get rid o the one thing that

stands between us.

I sing Judy

GarlandsTheMan

that Got Away inthe shower.She givesan incred-ible per or-

mance othat songin A Star is

Born.

Stop pretending that youre so per ect and holy.

Hating gays and Muslims doesnt make you aChristian;it just makes you an asshole. Maybe you should try to be a little less judgmentalbecause everyones sick o your ignorance.


19/60


I t s bee n t h r ee m o n t h s to the da y since I told

you I didn t lo ve you an ymore. You told m

e, a mon th and 10 da ys

ago tha t you couldn t talk to me an ymore

because you couldn t go

on pre tending to be oka y wi th wha t we

were no w. You promised

to tell me i you el t you couldn t talk to m

e a t all. You told me you

would come back. A n d yo u h a ve n

t . And no w, no w, I ha ve

your bes t riend messaging me on Faceb

ook, asking me i I kno w

where you were because you ha ven t re

sponded to him in a ver y

long time. I don t wan t to ge t in to this a

gain. I do n t wa n t t o

wo r r y i f yo u r e a l i ve. I can t do i t an ymore

. I can t keep send -

ing you those angr y emails telling you to le t people kno w you

re

ali ve. S top doing this to me. Talk to you

r riends. Bu t please, onl y

talk to me when youre healed. I m is s

yo u . I m is s m y bes t

f r ie n d . Im mo ving on, and I hope you

will too, one da y. I hope

tha t when you come back and talk to m

e and see tha t Im wi th

someone else, i t won t dri ve you back to

hur ting yoursel . J u s t be

h a p p y f o r m e, be h a p p y f o r y o u

r se l f .

Blon d e bo y : Y ou ir r it at e me. W hen y ou t r y t o be unny , w hen y ou t r y t o be consoling, w hen y ou t r y t o be A N Y T H I N G I alw ay s end up angr y at y ou. Hav ent y ou not iced t his?! O cour se y ou had; Y O U R E t he one t hat t old me I ov er r eact t oo much a t er all. Sadly not hing I say clicks in t hat br ain o y our s t hat shelt er ed, pr ejudiced br ain o y our s. Oh, by t he w ay : just because a gir l has mor e ex per ience w it h dat ing t han y ou D O ES N O T M A K E H ER A W H

O R E! ! !

I hate that you silently judge. I hate that he tells you every-thing. I hate that youre so concerned with analyzing it all with yoursimple mindset about base human intentions and motivations; you

orget that this is complex. This is the most emotion I have everelt because it went rom great to aw ul. Per ect to saddening. I hate

that I cant go to English class anymore without knowing youre judg-

ing. Hes told you everything, I know, rom his biased point o view.Youre going to look at me when I talk to any other boy even i it is justriendly. Especially i it is. You dont know me. You dont. I dont

pretend to understand you, but you seem to think you do.

He doesn td ese r ve you.

I just cantwait to get

out. Thanks oreverything, butI dont need

you any-more.


20/60


21/60


To the doubters:Journalism

is not Yearbook.

I work hours and hours per week,dedicate even more hours to stressing

about the school newspaper and inthe end I get asked i Im on yearbook.I correct the student, who just replies:Oh, same thing. No. No, it is notthe same thing. I care so much. Please

value that.

Could you please take control o your class? These kidstreat you like complete shit! You know that their excuses are lies and yet you never,

ever punish them. Trust me, the day you hand out that rst detention slip will mark thebeginning o an entirely new era the rustrating chaos that you currently have to dealwith on a daily basis will no longer exist. Who knows, we might even begin to respectyou.I know you want to be liked; hell, we all do, but that doesnt mean that

you have to be spit on in the process. Please, do yoursel a avor, and the nexttime someone cusses at you, throws supplies, crawls on the foor, moves his seat, orscreams while youre talking, give him a re erral. Its not air to those o us who takeyour class to learn.

One bench a ter another, a new couple oneach seat made or two or even sometimes made orone. Do you not realize that nobody wants to see yourtongue shoved down someone elses throat? CauseI am pretty sure I speak or most people: you are mis-taken. Mazel tov or nding a guy or a girl whois willing to display a theoretically meaning-

ul gesture in ront o the world, but the worlddoesnt want to see it. It cannot be remotely romanticto sit next to a dorm building and make out with your girl-

riend while listening to the sounds o grumpy teenagerscomplain about their exams or their smelly roommates at8 oclock in the morning. Go back to sleep, and get aroom when youre awake!

Since when does every-

thing have to be about you? Youre disgusting.O course Im quiet and compliant andnever care about cleaning up your mess,but that doesnt mean that I appreciateyou leaving one or me to clean. You area spoiled, sel -centered brat who onlycares or people when its convenient

or you. Youre a user: you take without asking and assume ev-erything is your domain. No onecan have un i you are not, and whenyou are it has to be the un YOU want to

have, not what the group wants.

There are so many times where all Ivewanted to do is punch you in the aceand leave, but I know that is not theway to solve our problem. I realize I amscared to con ront you because I haveto see you again a terwards, and I dontknow how you will react to me. I haveso much to argue about that it will seemlike I hold grudges ... but how else am Isuppose to get you to understand how

I eel?


22/60

22 To the small town girl: By de nition a riendshipis a relationship. Each relationship unique to the two people itinvolves. Look to our other riendships. Things are di erent withyou in a way that only makes sense with you. Could you besatis ed with the relationship I have with your riends? Or howabout my other riends? I ail to believe that sort o relationshipwould be enough. Unexpectedly and without intention or cause

we moved together, away rom a typical riendship.There is something more, andit is, or both o us, enjoyable.

W h y do y o u a l wa y s le t o t h e r s

p u t yo u

do w n ? Youre a s trong and talen ted indi vidua

l ye t

you al wa ys le t o thers break do wn your spiri t. Yo u

n eed t o s t a n d u p f o r yo u r se l f wh

en people talk

bad abou t you and s top laughing i t o . W

e all can

see youre sad abou t wha t people sa y, a

nd we t r y

t o h e l p , bu t you ha ve to s tep up and de

end yoursel .

Someone isn t al wa ys going to be there t

o fgh t your

ba t tles or you. So as a b ys tander and o

ne tha t de -

ends you, Im asking o

r you to s tep up and sho w the

world the s t r o n g a n d t a le n t ed s ide o you.

I have never known this kind o love. I look at her, and I gasp with the e ort to contaieelings.She is my world. Since her entrance into my li e, I have begun to exist. My eyare now open to experiencing everything with her, through her and or her. I do not knowhen it happened, but her young li e outweighs my own. As I watch her, I know I would ganything or her happiness, or her to live.To say I love her is mediocre at best.

There are no words adequate enough, and I have tried. I am human because o her.

I con ess that I like you. Not enough to make amove, but Im intrigued by you. Were riends, we really are. Im not harboring

eelings o unbridled lust.I just think you are cute in a nonconven-tional way. Youre ridiculous, but I like that personality o yours. I thoughtthat you might give me my rst kiss a while ago because I was so com ort-able around you. I was wrong, and nothing has happened, and I dont wantit to.But I like the attention. That was lacking with him. So Ihope we dance at Prom, just so there is no what i involved when we go

our separate ways. I value our riendship, but I al-

most think Id like to cross the boundaries at somepoint. Briefy. Just to see. Would you object?


23/60


To m y b r o t h e r :I don t think you realize ho w muc

h we

lo ve you. Things ha ve been hard, bu t

we ve been able to ge t through them.

There ore, when I o verhear you sa y

tha t you S T I L L plan on hur ting your -

sel on a da y when you decide tha t

you can t take i t an ymore, I jus t don t

ge t i t. L i f e is wo r t h l i v i n g. I an y thing, I though t y

ou realized tha t

three years ago. I am no t the onl y per -

son who lo ves you and who would do

an y thing or you. So p lea se , do n t

do a n y t h i n g s t u p id . When you

do, youre no t onl y hur ti

ng yoursel

youre hur ting us. And to be hones t, I can t take an ymore

o Moms cr ying

o ver you. I t hur ts me too much.

I lo v e y o u , b r o.


24/60

24Thank you or understanding thatI dont ever want to talk about it. Ever. Thank

you or understanding that or as long as Ilive, I dont ever want to cry in ront o you oranyone we know. I wish I didnt have to be socold and distant with the things that are hap-pening to me and the things that are truly im-portant to me, but i I wasnt ...I dont know

what would happen. I dont agree withsome o the things that youve done, and Im

sorry that my opinion makes you nervous. Butits not going to change. And I think that, in away, thats the beauty o us.

T o m y f e llow d r e a m e r s : Nev er lose h op e .

How uncanny that we as humans expect more loyalty, devotion, and lorom our riendships than our relationships.Has society jaded us in such

away that we proclaim the need to all in love with our bestriends yet choose strangers or the ear o being hurt? Is it no

the idea that great love comes with even greater risk? Yet, here stand the voted, unconditionally a ectionate riends who never push or mor

I wish all my words hadnt le t me when he said he didnt eel the same wayI wish I could have argued, told him why he was wrong, said he should reconsider. I wis

I had told him that I would adore him, that we werent so di erent, that it would all wout beauti ully. That he is so witty and smart and kind and engaging. That I would mahim laugh and inspire him. I should have said that I wouldnt try to change him; I wotreasure him as he is.I wish I had taken him by the shoulders and shook

him and told him that he is is so extraordinary, so smart, so wonder ul why does he set the bar or himsel so low? I should have told him that hewould not have disappointed me. I should have told him that in a month, a year, ve year

he would wish he had said these things to me.

I w is h y o u d id n t h a t e t h e w o r ld . Its re -

all y upsetting that someone so young is alread y so

jaded. I wish you could see the good in people. I

wish you could be happ y with the simplicities of life. No one is as mean as you think th

e y are. I wish you

could see ho w beautiful you are. Ma ybe its be -

cause youre young that you ha ve a hard time with

all of this, but take m y word: l if e ge t s b e t t e r .

T o h e r :Y our e beaut i ul. Y our e so smar t especially in mat h. I dont know w hy y ou dont believ e in y our sel . Y our e also t he most insecur e per son I know , and I w or r y about y ou. Y ou d on t t h in k y ou r e ca p a b le , a n d I h op e y ou ov e r - com e it . W e ar e all w or king t o get y ou t o st ep out o y our com or t zone. Iv e been t her e. But y ou ake confdence unt il y ou get it . Please do t his.

I like to think Im always improving or at leastchanging. As crappy as it got in the end, I still remembhow amazing it was or months and months. Thank you

much or that and guiding me through a bad year to make mwho I am today. In some ways, Ive allen back on

who I was, but in others, Ill never be the same again, and Ill never or-

get all the good youve done. (ThoughIm never dating another Christian again!)


25/60


Mummy, I love you, youknow I do. Were closer than

most amilies are because o whathappened to Daddy. You, me and

Catherine. It was just us or 10years. Then you got remarried. I

know you keep saying that youlllose him be ore you lose us. But

Im starting to think it isnt true. Youroldest daughter, whos 22, spends3/7 days at home. Me, whos 20,does everything she can to not behome. I dont know what to

do or how to tell you that you ARE losing me. Everydayyou agree to give it another try with

him when youKNOW its useless,you lose me just a little bit more.

And I dont want to be the one tobreak up your marriage, but i you

dont do something soon ... I willhave to. Because I have nowhere

to go. I only have you. And I need

you. I need the mom you used tobe back, the one who smiled andlaughed and didnt spend her days

mad at someone. I need you back, mommy. I need you.

To my mom:First and oremost, I love you. I always have, and I always

will.Nothing will change that. However, some days, Ijust get TIRED o all the nitpicking. I know I need a job. I knowthat Im overweight and need to go to the gym. I know that I

should be doing something other than being on the computer.You dont need to be telling me these things every single day.

Its not like ImNOT trying to get a job Ive applied to abunch o places. Its not like Im sitting on the couch every

single day, doing nothing I do go to the gym at least once

a week when schools not crazy.I know youre try-ing to look out or me but sometimes, enough isenough. I love you.


26/60

26 Bes t ie : Can I e ven c

all you tha t an ymore?

We ve barel y spen t time toge ther since you go t to

-

ge ther wi th the bo y riend. Your idealis tic vir tues make

me wan t to jump o a bridge. Tha t along

wi th your

tendencies to o verreac t to almos t e ver y w

ord said to

you. T h r ee wo r ds : T A K E A J O K

E. No t e ver y -

thing tha t e ver yone sa ys to you is in tende

d to insul t

and malice you, I promise. You need to

learn to dis -

tribu te your time be t ween riends e venl y as well. You

spend A L L D A Y wi th your bo y riend and lea ve

e ver yone else behind. Because wh y? Y

o u do n t

l i k e t h e d r a m a. Yo u t h i n k I do

? NO. I jus t

pu t up wi th i t because I don t wan t to ign

ore all o m y

riends. Speaking o your bo y riend, I thin

k the idea

o you and him toge ther is borderline gro

ss. S top tell -

ing me abou t wha t you t wo do ... P L E A S E .

To my ex- riend: I have never regretted ending our poisonous riendship. I only regret not doing so sooner :) Oand by the way, the other day I heard you say (as the whole class probably did, since your shrill voice can pierc

through anything) that our school is the school with the most drama. Hun, its only drama because YOU make it drama.My li e has been completely boring and drama- ree ever since I kicked you to the curb. Thank you not so very m

I hate to admit it, but I really like who Ive be-come as a person in these past months. I make mis-takes, I have un, Im more open to people, Im more

laid back and I dont have to waste time and energystriving or your attention.I depended too heavily on you, and it wasnt healthy . Thanks or help-

ing me see it was time to let go.

I c o u ld n e v e r y o u t e ll t h i s i n p e r s o n si nc e, w el l , I m t oo i nsec ur e. H onest l y , y ou ar e a w on- d er f ul per son. I see y ou w i t h her , and I a lw a y s w o n d e r w h a t w e c o u ld b e li k e . Y ou v e been l i ke an ol d er br ot her t o me at t i mes, and w e hav e got t en a l ot c l oser l at el y , but I guess I l l nev er know . Af t er y ou gr ad uat e, I hope w e keep i n t ouc h. I w a n t y o u t o k n o w t h a t I t h a n k y o u

f or bei ng abl e t o make me smi l e al l t he t i me ev en w hen I v e had a hor r i bl e d ay .


27/60


To a riend:You are lonely. I understand how pow-

er ul o an emotion that is. What I dontunderstand is why you can claim you arein so much pain when you are cheatingon various people.How can you justdo that? Do you not know how pain ul it is to watch you to dothis to innocent people? I hate to

say this, but relationships areNOT thecure to what you are eeling right now.What you do, it hurts me as well. I wishyou could see that.

T o a r ie n d :Iv e know n y ou or ev er , and Ill alw ay s lov e y ou, bu t I a m ed u p o t h is h ie r a r ch y . Somet imes it ll eel like w er e sist er s and t hen y oull t r eat me like someone w ho isnt w or t hy o y our r iendship. Y ou h a v e n ev e r on ce a p olog ize d or any t hing ev en w hen y ou caused fght s, didnt speak t o me or w eeks, and spr ead st or ies about me. It needs t o end. It s not like I dont under st and y ou a lw a y s com e ba ck t o m e a n d w h e n y ou lik e m e , y ou r e t h e be s t r ie n d ev e r . I know t hat y ou ar e less cer t ain o y our - sel t han y ou act , and t his is y our w ay o show ing it . Bu t p le a s e , f n d s om e ot h e r w a y t o ex p r e s s y ou r e e lin g s ?

To my girls rom TFH: You girls are my li e. I knowwe all met through Facebook, but you girls are my rocks.

I know a lot o people think its weird that 17 girls romall over the world can have so much in common and stillbe riends over a year later.Knowing that no mat-ter what happens, you girls will be there orme, does more in terms o support than you

know. As you all know, I cant talk to my amily aboutsome things, but I never hold back rom TFH. So thank you.

Thank you or being my best riends when I needed youall the most.I love you and may TFH live orever.

Even i we never nd Atlantis.


28/60

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.BEGINNINGS

To him:I miss you. But I also dont remember you. My riends joke that

we are destined because our brie relationship wasstraight out o a movie saying goodbye in the rain, walks in the neighborhood, rival amilies. And our years o separation by the Atlantic Ocean. I know we

tried. Last summer you wanted to see me. You wanted to travel to seeme. I wrote you a letter and included my email address, so we talk-

ed. Now, were Facebook riends. I want to ask you i you rememberme as more than a pretty ace. It eels so distant. As it is, our years

have passed. We are completely di erent, both o us, rom age our-teen. We will be eighteen when we meet. I cant wait. Ihope it doesnt disappoint. I hope you havent changed and

that I still like you. I hope you eel the same way about me. I hope or a happy ending to this movie.

T he w or ld needs t o get ov er t his T w ilig h t p h en om - en a binge t hey v e been on or t he past y ear because it s making me nause- at ed. Is it t he 19 50 s again or w hat ? Sin ce w h en is it o

k a y or a w om a n t o g iv e u p h e r e n t ir e li e or a m a n , or I g u e s s s om e s p a r k l y v a m p ir e t h is t im e ? T his piece o shit some deem as a classic has absolut ely no t ast e or int elligence or t hat mat t er . Ei- t her t hat or t hey r e all just a bunch o sex ist idiot s.

To t h e Des e r v i ng Rec i p ie n t

o f t h e F is h Ca r e A wa r d , Thank you or wa tch

ing m y be t ta

fsh las t Thanksgi ving break. I lo ve

you, e ven though Im no t sure some -

times i i ts you I see or your bipolar

disorder. I lo ve y o u a n y wa y, I

t h i n k . I ts hard to be pa tien t wi th

you some times. You are ver y good a t making fsh no t di

e.


29/60

MIDDLE & ENDDAYS 6-15

hese are the rants received during the nal tendays o the project. They begin atNovember 20

and end on November 29. Any rants received laterwere included on the Words I Never Said blog.

T


30/60


31/60

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-1MIDDLE & END

There is nothing you can do now to ever make me trust you again. I will never beable to hug you and eel clean; you have robbed

rom me the ability to eel at home in my home. Showers will always make me eel dirtier, nevercleaner. There is a residue o blackness that your eyesand that camera le t on my body that will perpetuate myli e orever. But I cant do a single thing about it becauseit would break her heart. I she knew you what you haddone, what you are capable o doing, she would livethe rest o her li e hating hersel or everything she neveknew. I dont think I will ever nd love be-cause I will never again make the mistakeo trusting a man. You were the one man that thereshould never have been question, I should have alwaysbeen able to go to and you should have been therethen in ways that I will never let you be now. And now,now, you think you can just pretend like it never hap-pened and maybe I will orget.Its too late or you. I hate that you try so hard now to be better, but it willnever change what you did. You give back what youtook rom me; you nd a way to give me back every-thing that you tainted, and things will change. But youcant take it back. Your mind will never orget what youreyes have seen. You will never again see me asinnocent because you yoursel are the one

who stole that innocence. What did I do to makeyou think it was okay? What could I have done di er-ent to have prevented everything rom happening? Butmore than anything, Dad, how could you take rom me

the one thing that a ather should have protected?


32/60

32Stephen. Who the hell are you now?

You used to be the sweetest kid. Now? Not so much. The Stephen I knew would never

do the things youre doing. Getting high with a riend that was sent away to rehab inanother state? Cheating on girls? We used to be best riends. What happened tous? Where did you go? When you started dating Christine, you stopped talking to allo your riends. You got a whole new set, didnt you? Too bad the kids who knew who

you really were werent included in that. You le t me completely. Started saying meanand horrible things about me to my ace and behind my back. And I hate you or it

because you o all people should know that I dont need that. I didnt need it then, andI dont need it now. I hope you know our theatre department was completely ree rom

drama until you showed up. You think youre amazing at everything you do.Let me tell you something: YOU CANNOT ACT. I dont care what Liv says. You cant act. Yousuck. They hand stu to you because E loves you. And yeah, youre a good singer ... buonly by comparison to the lack o talent in our school. You are by ar not the best male

singer Ive heard, just one o the best weve got. I dont know why they hand stu to ybut they do. And as much as its not air, it happens. But youve let it go to your head. Yothink youre so cool and youre not. At all. Youre a jerk. You play with girls emotions anmove rom girl to girl within a ew weeks.What, do you need a new girl riend every

show? Christine during right a ter theBoy riend. Cheating on Christine with Sydney dur-ing Jukebox. Screwing around with Jenny duringTwel th Night ? I hope you know all thesegirls REALLY liked you. I really liked you. Until I ound out who you really were. You are

possibly one o the most pompous, arrogant, annoying people Ive ever met.I hate you .

I realize that youre hurt butget over it; there was never anything, and noone cares. Move on and stop bugging me. Idont want to talk to you every ve minutes, and Ican tell youre only here or one thing.Get over

yoursel and nd someone who will putup with you. Just because you have stalkers

doesnt make you awesome.Dont be so mean to them; they

have eelings too.

Y o u r e an i d i o t !

To the girl rom kindergarten/ rst grade: I hope that one day you can orgive me or what you thoughtI had done to you. And one day accept that I apologized endlessly or something I didnt even under-stand, hoping you would explain my wrongdoing to me. I hope you have a good li e going ... I wish I knewi you did or not.


33/60

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-1MIDDLE & ENDIve tried so hard to justi y whatI did to you in my mind, and every single time,

or some reason, my argument with mysel losesmore and more uel.So Im nally saying this: Im sorry or those three weekso horrible treatment I gave you a ter

we broke up. Im sorry I went to everyoneelse with our problems but never came to youto talk about them. Im sorry I hid so much owhat I was eeling away rom you instead ositting down and telling you about it. I saidyou were my best riend but yet in the end,I lied. You knew everything about me that Ishowed you, that I aked because I thought itwould make you happy and in the end, it onlymade you even more hurt than you ever have

been be ore.

Im sorry or everything.

I wish

I could sho w ho w

much I apprecia te wha t you did

or me. I was tha t h yper kid tha t ne ver

ocused and ne ver reall y sho wed po ten

-

tial. Des p i t e a l l o f t h is , yo u sa w t h e

p o t e n t ia l I h a d . The ac t tha t you be

-

lie ved in me then allo wed me to

be so success ul no w.

You were an amazing riend at rst, and you helped me through so much. But now, you take me or granted.You dont think that Id ever have the guts to end our riendship. You ig-

nore everything I say, then you get upset when I get mad at you. Weve

tried to work things out, but nothings the same. You claim that Im your riend, yet you dont treat me like one. Im tired o hopingthat one o these days, youll come up, give me a hug and say youresorry. I wish you would come to your senses and that things could go

back to how they were a ew months ago.

Y ou t old me I couldnt do it , but I accomplished it in t he end. So t h a n k y ou or y ou r w

or d s o d is cou r a g e - m en t ; t hey ueled me t o be ev en bet t er .


34/60

34 To my best riend,Thank you or always being here or me. I really owe my li e tyou. You have always been by my side through my good andbad moments. You bring out the best in me, and you

are more than capable o handling my faws. Ivemade plenty o mistakes and am blessed that you are able toaccept my apologies and move on. I never meant to hurt you.I think that i we stick together, we can help each other. Imamazed by your compassion every day, and I just want to sin-cerely thank you or being such a devoted and loyal riend :)

Dea r _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ,

I ts rea l l y qu i te sad to t h in k t ha t

suc h a genu ine person l i ke you

wou ld c hange and co n f o r m

i n t o t h e v e r y t h i n g y o u

p r o m is ed n o t be .

I don t ha te you, bu t I do ha te w ho

youre ac t ing l i ke, and I h o p e

o n e d a y y o u

ca n w a k e

u p a n d s ee y o u r s e l f f r o m

o t h e r p eo p le s e y es ... a n d

c h a n ge.

I wanted to be close to you so much, but youalways held back. Sure, it was un to banter and joke, but

there was always a wall. Maybe it was my ault; maybe it wasyours. Maybe it was both o us. You were just too mucho an immature idiot to realize that our relation-

ship could have been deeper, and now its toolate. I wonder i you even realized how much you a ected

me. Probably not. Thats too bad, and Ive moved on.

Why did you even say we could be riends? We never talk anymore, and you neverput in the e ort, which was always the problem.I put everything I had intoour relationship, and you held back. Like you always do. We were supposedto last. We were supposed to work out. Now, we cant even talk about it. Youre soper ect at everything else in your li e, but you werent per ect at a relationship. But yodidnt even try. You just gave up. And I will never orgive you or that.

To that kid:Ill always know in my heart thatI did the right thing: to help

you. I know you never orgaveme, but maybe one day you willbecause I know it would changethings and the way you see theworld. I dont know i I ever truly

loved you, but its a shame to seewhat we have become. I never wanted you to be a stranger

to me.


35/60


Religion is not an excuse todiscriminate. Whether it be creed, color,sexuality or any other number o things, you have

no right to discriminate, and your religion is aweak excuse to do so.Stop preaching hate.Learn to love everyone, not just those

who think like you. I you cant manage that,why the uck are you religious? Jesus preachedlove and kindness. Show that his words actually

do mean something to you instead o just prayingor my soul or disagreeing with you.

To h i m : You were the b igg

es t d is a p p o i n t me n t i n m y l i f e . A

nd I

though t disappoin tmen t o

nl y came wi th e xpec ta tion, bu t I didn t e x

-

pec t much rom you: t h e ba r e m i n i m u m d ece n c y is a

l l I

e x p ec t ed . In someone I though t was so

grea t, so righ t ... ma ybe

I was dumb, ma ybe I jus t miss you, bu t h

o w can I miss some thing

tha t was ne ver mine? Ma ybe I speak ro

m pride, bu t ma ybe you

will regre t w h a t yo u t oo k f o r g r a n

t ed h a s n o w beco m e

w h a t yo u l l n e ve r h a ve .

I d on t k n ow w h y I ev er used quot es w hen I r e er r ed t o y ou all as my amily . Y ou hav e been t her e or me t hr ough so much, and I lov e y ou all mor e t han y ou can imagine. T h a n k y ou or be in g e v e r y t h in g I n e ed e d a n d m or e . I

cant ev en begin t o descr ibe how much I w ill miss y ou all nex t y ear , and I hope t hat w e ar e alw ay s t his close.

To my riend :Sure, were considered riends, but the truth is were really not, and you dont have anyREAL riendssimply because all you care about is yoursel . Thats all you ever talk about: your li e, your riends, your

amily, your endless problems, your crushes (which change every week) ... and whenever someone triesto talk about him or hersel a little bit, your one-word responses make it so obvious that you dont give acrap. Maybe i you were a little less sel -centered, a little more caring and actually listened to others, you would know what its like to have REAL riends.


36/60

36 I w a s a t w or k t od a y , minding my ow n business. A cust omer came in a man. He or der ed a pizza. As I w as count ing out his change, he looked at me w it h all o t he sincer it y in his soul and said, T h a n k y ou . T h a n k y ou f or be in g y ou . I m a y n ev e r k n ow y ou r n a m e , bu t I w ill r em e m be r y ou r w a r m , f r ie n d l y s m ile u n t il t h e d a y I a m la id t o r e s t in m y g r a v e . Y ou a r e lov e d . N e v e r f or g e t t h a t , y ou n g la d y . I w as t hr ow n o complet ely . I smiled and

w alked ov er t o st ar t making his or der . I t hought about it a lot . As I handed him his pizza, I asked him w hy he had said t hese t hings. He t old me it w as because he could see my scar s w hich r esemble past st r uggles and he w ould nev er or giv e himsel i he le t w it hout t ouching my hear t t oday . W hat s t he point o all t his? I simply w ant t o challenge y ou t o liv e like him. T hank t he lit t le old lady in t he baker y or alw ay s w elcoming y ou w it h a w ar m smile. T hank t he immigr ant behind t he count er at t he ast ood joint w her e y ou pick up y our dinner . T hank t he elder ly man in t he car ahead o y ou or let t ing y ou pass. T hank y our boss or giv ing y ou an oppor t unit y and a chance. T h a n k t h os e com p le t e s t r a n g e r s w h ov e a f f e c t e d y ou r lif e m or e t h a n t h e y ll e v e r k n ow .

Weve been riends or over our years. Ive liked you the entire time, but I never said a thing, guring we wouldnthave a chance. Now weve both gone through relationships and times whenyou told me that you liked me when I didnt make a move. Now here we are,Ive been helping you through a bad break-up where you are still head-over-heels or him, even when he did aw ul things to you and a lot o other people.I was your shoulder to cry on the entire time, wanting always to say how I eltbut knowing you still wanted him and me saying anything would only worsen

everything. This is the worst thing Ive done in my li e.

I said nothing to THE girl.

Thank you or being there; youare truly one o the

nicest people Ive evermet. Some o the otherpeople you hang outwith irritate the hell outo me, but its alright

since you alwaysmanage to brighten myday. Theres things Ivealways wanted to tell

you, but I still cant andwont.But mainly:

thank you.

To those who I have hurt and

will hurt and to those who willnever know I hurt them:

Im sorry. For everything. For what I saidand didnt say. For what I did and didnt

do. Im sorry i I gave you an eye roll thatruined your day or laughed when youneeded com ort. Im sorry i I said the

wrong thing or mistreated you in any way.Im sorry that I didnt have the courage to

help you or apologize to you.Im sorry i I insulted you or your belie s.

That is criminal. Im sorry i I wasmean to you (even in my mind) or talked

behind your back. (What an aw ul thing todo.) Im sorry i I negatively a ected youin any way. This message is meant as an

apology, but it doesnt deserve orgiveness.

I l o v e y o u , b u t y o u r e j u s t

s o b l i n d y o u c a n t s e e i t .


37/60


38/60

38It makes my heart hurt every timeI think o you. And I may just live with it every day or the resto my li e because youre not just my ex-boy riend; youre mybest riend. Youre still the person I can run to witheverything thats going wrong, and I know that

youll always be there. You always have been. I almostwish you had taken that away rom me, too. Maybe it wouldmake it easier i you werent so damn kind and caring and or-giving. And you think youre a heartless bastard? I never wantto hear those words rom your lips again, not i youre re erringto yoursel . A ter everything I put you through the past couple oweeks, Im shocked speechless that youre still willing to see thegood in me (even when Im convinced there is none le t) and

give me yet another chance. These are the reasons I love you. These

are the reasons Im so broken right now. And Icant even blame you because youre doing

this so that I dont get hurt worse urtherdown the road. You dont eel the same,

and I suppose thats something youcant help because I know you tried.You love me that much that you re-ally tried. You just dont love me theright way, I guess.

And one day, Ill beable to be OK withthat. But right now,

its killing me.

Despite the evening Ive had, I cantjust pick up the phone and dial your

number and explain to you just what hasgone wrong in my li e and let you remind

me that there are people in this world who

think Im worth something. Not because youwouldnt do that or me but because I think it wouldkill me. It would hurt way too much to let you say those

things to me when everything is still so raw.I told you I was moving on yesterday. I told you

there wouldnt be any more late-night, alcohol-laced telephonecalls. I told you I had seen the error o my ways. And I haveto believe that I have because otherwise Im going to ruin any-thing we have le t. But some part o me ears itll always be you,and thats a chance Im gonna have to take.

Youreso much more than

what you think o yoursel . Youre an amazing per-

son, and I hope you realizehow lucky a girl would be tohave you. Even i its never going tobe me, I hope one day you believein how smart, unny and sensitive

you really are. I I saw it, I canpromise a million other

girls will too.

I ha ve o n e s ec r e t t ha t I ma y ne ver s hare

, bu t t ha t

is because i t is no t t he person I a

sp ire to be. I hope t ha t i

one da y I can te l l you, you w i l l no t ha te me

or judge me. I

h a t e t h a t I ma de t h e m is t a k e , and I canno t org i v

e

m yse l to t h is da y. I hope to mo v

e pas t t h is in m y o wn l i e

and one da y become happ y aga

in. I a m a s h a med , bu t

I ha ve learned rom m y m is ta ke a

nd cou ld ne ver ma ke t he

same m is ta ke aga in. Im no t t he m

os t re l ig ious person t here

is, bu t I h o p e t ha t God ca n f o

r g i ve m e. I t was t he b ig -

ges t m is ta ke o m y l i e, and I kne w

be t ter t han t ha t.

Youll never know how many times youve made me cry with the things youve said andthe way you treat me. How is it thatsomebody whos supposed to be there or you

through everything can be theone person to make you hurt the worst?

I secretly hate you. You dontrespect my amily or other riends.You have backstabbed mein ways you wouldnteven think you did.Sometimes youlisten to me,but othersyou just sorto nodand sayyeah. Isecretlyhateyou.

I m s or r y I v e been an a s s h ole .


39/60


Sometimes I just love so much it hurts. I will neverunderstand the teenage notion o love. It is so messed up. Justlike we all learn in di erent ways, we all nd enjoyment in do-ing di erent things, so why cant we all love in di erent ways?

Some people will want to date; some will want to go steady;some may just want to play around. Some people will lovesomeone so, so much but wont express it with a ectionatetouches and kisses.Thats OK. Some go overboard withshowing loved ones how they eel with hugs and kisses and

a ection.Thats OK too!

Whats not OK is to try and orce someone to lovein a way they dont want to love. It is so not OK to cuto a ection rom someone who is a ectionate. It is like taking

out a whip and giving him or her lashes ... it is that pain ul.

Love is an individual who a ects so many other people. But ithose other people are willing to open themselves up and let inthat love, they are making a pact a pact saying I accept your way o love and respect that you love me or

everything I am.

So even a ter a break up, a alling out between riends or aght between parents, that pact that invisible bond is

supposed to draw the people back to each other. So why is itthat so o ten people ignore the pact or the bond or pretend that

it wasnt there in the rst place?

Love is wonder ul, and it sucks. And it will take orever and

beyond to understand why we love how we love and what it allmeans. Overall,love is a lesson o acceptance: some-

thing we teenagers really need a lesson in. We need to acceptthat we all love in di erent ways and to respect that and nurture

it rather than shun and hurt it. I would love to see that accep-tance come about.

Imagine what would happen just in our schools ... imagine whatit would be like i that acceptance o di erences happened all

over the world...

A ter all, love is a power ul orce.


40/60

40

Y o u h a v e s u ch a h o ld o n m e . E v en now , one y ear af t er I d r opped y our st upi d

cl ass, I st i l l hesi t at e t o say any t hi ng f or e a r

t h a t y o u a ll w i ll ju d g e m e . But hel l , si nce t hi s i s appar ent l y an out l et f or w hat I w ant t o say , her e goes:T o t h e H u m a n i t i e s C la s s o 2 0 0 9 : Y ou ar e smar t er t han I am. Y ou ar e mor e

t al ent ed . Y ou ar e mor e ski l l ed . Y ou got i nt o t he school s, t he pl ay s, t he spor t s t eams ...

al l of i t because y ou ar e bet t er peopl e t han I coul d ev er hope t o be. Y ou ar e al l shi t

and w i t h may be onl y t w o ex cept i ons, I hat e y ou. Y ou i nad v er t ent l y mad e my l i f e hel l .

T he second I d r opped t hat cl ass, y o u s t o p p e d s p e a k i n g t o m e w hen I passed y ou i n t he hal l s. I r emember w hen she i nv i t ed m

e t o j oi n y our end of y ear cel ebr at i on. She sai d , y ou

w er e w i t h t hem f or t hr ee and a hal f y ear s; sur el y t hey l l w ant y ou t her e. I d ecl i ned ,

i nsi st i ng i t w oul d be aw kw ar d but she i nsi st ed . So I came, and none of y ou sai d a

f ucki ng w or d t o me. N o t o n e . I gr ad ed y our paper s i nst ead .T hi s l ast summer , I d el et ed al most al l of y ou f r om my F acebook. I d el et ed y our emai l s

and bl ocked t he ones I r ecei v ed . I co m p le t e l y s e p a r a t e d m y s e l r o m y o u

a n d e v e r y o n e r o m [ h i g h s ch o o l] , a n d I a m n o w h a p p y o r t h e f r s t t i m e i n a lo n g t i m e .I j ust t hought i t w oul d be ni ce t o ment i on t hat y ou, per f ect peopl e t hat y ou ar e, ar e

shi t i n my ey es. T hat pr obabl y d oesn t count f or much si nce I m l ess t han y ou t o begi n

w i t h, b u t h e y , h a v e u n ju d g i n g t h i s r a n t .

I st i l l get most of t he emai l s y ou send t he bl ock f eat ur e d oes not w or k per f ect l y .

P l ease, d o me a f av or and t ake me of f t he l i st . If y ou d on t , I m i g h t a c t u a ll y

d e ci d e t o s h o w u p a t o n e o y o u r e v e n t s , w hi ch no one r eal l y w ant s.

You have disappointed me. You are my mother, but you are not nice to me. And even as you try to seem nice now, this is not always the case,and I know it. You have not changed and will not. I am still very angry with you, and I have no idea how long it will take me to get over the past anthe hurt that you have caused me. You have hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt, and it has greatly a ected mein many ways. I will always love you, as you are my mother, but there will be no change in our relationship anytime soon. I hope that one daythings can be OK between us, but I cannot tell you when or i that will happen. I am sorry, but I do not only blame mysel .

Do you even know what youre saying? How can you beso harsh? You did the same things ... just lastyear as a matter o act. You made mistakesand so do I. Just because Im not the

best doesnt mean Im worthless.Maybe I dont even care. Maybe whatyou think is the most important thing inthe world doesnt matter to me at all. Itried. I ailed. I know. You dont need torub it in. I can just give up i thats what

you wanted. But Id rather not. Youvegiven me reason to try harder ;I will get it right. I can get better, andI will owe it all to your criticism andjudgment. All those sneers and sco sonly make me try harder. You madethings harder or me, but you mademe stronger. So thank you or not be-lieving in me. Youve given methe pleasure o proving you

wrong.

I am gonna keep it short and sweet: You two are the most worthless, backstabbing bitches that I evermet in my li e. Hope to never see

anyone like you two in the uture.

Do you even know the de nition o amily? Dont think I wasstupid enough to orget the things all o you did to me when I was

younger. What allowed you to think its OK to just notaccept us? What did she ever to do you? What did I ever do to

you? And now, a ter all that has happened,you should havelearned your lesson, but you didnt.

I can see right through your ake smiles anduna ectionate hellos and hugs. As much asI wish I had people to ul ll your roles in my

li e, youre not worth my time.


41/60


...I also hate the act that youare always crushing my dreams,telling me thats impossible; thatsdumb;how could you eventhink that you could do

something like that? I hada dream still do that some-day Id drop out o college andtake a couple riends all whoare like me desperate to getaway rom the injustice o li e and take a motorcycle tour o Europe or a coupleo years. For years, I imagined the rise that I would

get out o you, but I never voiced this dream because I knew youd just fy into a rage or laughat me and tell me that Im being ridiculous again anddirect me back to whatever boring task I was doing.

For every single time that Ive thought I loved you,there are ve times when Ive known I hate you. Youmay provide everything I need physically, but youremotional nurturing scores a zero.

P.S. Hes not your cat. Hes OURS.

I didnt do anything to you. You said that you were okaywith what was going on between us; you knew every detail and had a boy-

riend at the time. I dont understand why we are no longer riends.How cansomething like this come between two people who were best

riends or years? You used to be the one I turned to and trusted, but youbroke that trust and walked away rom my li e. Now, we talk, but its di erentand seldom. Youre a di erent person toward me, and I dont like it. I am stillthe same toward you. I dislike how you act toward me now; even others noticehow you act toward me and can see that you are not a riend.SometimesI wonder i we could ever be riends again, but un ortunately,I dont see it, which makes me very sad. I this is what things have come to, andthis is how you are going to be, then it can bethis way. I wish you the best and more; I havealways been a true riend to you.

T h a n k y ou . Y ou hav e not onl y pul l ed me up r om t he d ept hs o ev er y t hi ng I w as d r ow ni ng i n, but al so pl aced me hi gher t han I ev er t hought I coul d be. T o t he per son w ho pushed me d ow n t her e i n t he fr st pl ace, i t s ov er now ; y ou ar e ov er now . Nev er come near me agai n. My l i e i s a much bet t er pl ace w i t h j oy , happi ness, and oppor t uni t y . Y ou t r i ed t o squash ev er y par t o my spi r i t ; y ou al most w on. I m gl ad y ou d i d n t . Y ou t ook me t hr ough hel l , t r i ed t o br eak me. And now l o

ok at me: much bet - t er t han I hav e ev er been. T o t h e f r s t p e r s on , t h a n k y ou . I w ill lov e y ou or e v e r .


42/60

42 You say youre my best riend and that youll always be there

or me. But ever since I le t town, Ive completely lost you. You never talk to me anymorematter how hard I try. And I have always tried. I have always tried to spend time withyou, and you never give me the time o day. Even when I know youre doing nothing at allyou wont make any sacri ces to see me. We used to be inseparable. Do you orget that?Do you not want that anymore? Or have you ound someone to take my place, just like youdid with all the girls youve ever dated? Ha.Dating you, the worst mistake: I hada backstage look at your love li e or three years; I knew everything about how you treated people. I guess because I was your best riend I thoughtit would be di erent. And the hell you dragged me through with you and all I got wasloneliness and enemies. God dammit. And the worst part o all this: I love you.I love you completely. I will always want to be a part o your li e, and you are still mynumber one, my president. And you will never appreciate this; youll never even realize thisbecause you are so stubborn and blind. I need you now. And youre killing me. And nomatter how much my head tells me this, my heart and my soul and my everything will wanto be beside you. Please, please see me again.

M y b e s t f r i e n d s : I d o n t k no w w hat I w o ul d d o w i t ho ut y o u. Y o u ar e l i k e am-

i l y t o me , and t he r e ar e a e w o y o u w ho m

I c an t r ul y t al k t o ab o ut any t hi ng. I t r us t y o u,

w hi c h t ak e s a l o t o r me t o d o , b ut I am w i l l i ng

w i t h y o u b e c aus e y o u s e e m t o t r us t me . Y o u

k no w e v e r y t hi ng and c an r e ad me l i k e a b o o k

at t i me s , w hi c h I l o v e ( t ho ugh i t c an b e s c ar y )

b e c aus e i t mak e s o p e ni ng up e as i e r . I h o p e

y o u k n o w t h a t I a m h e r e f o r y o u , a s

y o u h a v e b e e n t h e r e f o r m e . I l o v e

y o u w i t h a l l o f m y h e a r t a n d c a n n o t

t h a n k y o u e n o u g h f o r a l l t h a t y o u

h a v e d o n e a n d b e i n g t h e r e w h e n I

n e e d e d s o m e o n e m o s t . I i t w e r e no t o r

y o ur ad v i c e , y o ur c ar e , y o ur t i me , and y o ur

s up p o r t , I m no t s ur e I c o ul d hav e c o me t hi s

ar . And o r t hat , t hank y o u, and I ho p e t o ne v -

e r l o s e y o u. P l e as e , al w ay s b e t he r e o r me

w he n I ne e d y o u mo s t as I w i l l b e o r y o u.

Yo u u sed t o be o n e o f m y bes t

f r ie n d s , and no w we

don t e ven talk. You take me and e ver yone else or gr

an ted, bu t none

o us reall y care abou t you or your li e an ymore ... we in vi te you

places ou t o pi t y. O n e d a y we r e n o

t go i n g t o be h e r e f o r yo u ,

a n d I h o n es t l y wo n t f ee l t h e le

a s t b i t s o r r y f o r n o t h a v i n g

yo u r ba c k a n y mo r e . I ve mo ved on a

nd am much happier wi thou t

you in m y li e, al wa ys bringing me do wn

.

S t o p b la s t in g t h e m u s ic in y ou r ca r . Y ou ar e not cool. T he bass in t ha

t quest ion- able music y ou list en t o makes me w ant t o st ab someone.

I don t u n de r s t a nd you,

and Im no t sure I e ve r will.


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Some o my words o wisdom:Be yoursel . Ha! Isnt that so clich? But it is ull

truth. The people who matter are not going to careabout how much you t in.They are awesomeand care about you, no matter what. Findthese people and surround yoursel with them. They

will be there or you to cheer you up or make yousmile. Just remember that they have added you to

their circle and also need a shoulder to lean on. Em-

brace your inner dork and show people youre amaz-ing despite somewhat embarrassing talents.Thisis a courage that not many people have

and when people see it, they will respect you all the more. I know that I dont have thiscourage, but I wish I did. Pursue your passions. Just

because everyone else is doing one thing, it doesnt

mean that you cant do what you love.Celebrateanything. Just because it is not a holiday doesntmean you cant have a party. Its what li e is about.

History repeats itsel . Make unny aces in the mirror. The power o a smile is underrated. I am almost

done. A ew more things:Dont be serious allthe time. Live li e to its ullest. And never

all asleep in class because people will make uno you. Its an automatic right.

To m y lo ve l y, f

the words i never said, volume 1

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