THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

love

I. What Do “Stages of Development” (Erik Erickson) Teach Us?

Stage Basic Conflict Important Events

Outcome

Infancy (birth to 18 months)

Trust vs. Mistrust Feeding Children develop a sense of trust when caregivers provide reliability, care, and affection. A lack of this will lead to mistrust.

Early Childhood (2 to 3 years)

Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt

Toilet Training Children need to develop a sense of personal control over physical skills and a sense of independence. Success leads to feelings of autonomy, failure results in feelings of shame and doubt.

Preschool (3 to 5 years)

Initiative vs. Guilt Exploration Children need to begin asserting control and power over the environment. Success in this stage leads to a sense of purpose. Children who try to exert too much power experience disapproval, resulting in a sense of guilt.

School Age (6 to 11 years)

Industry vs. Inferiority

School Children need to cope with new social and academic demands. Success leads to a sense of competence, while failure results in feelings of inferiority.

Adolescence (12 to 18 years)

Identity vs. Role Confusion

Social Relationships

Teens need to develop a sense of self and personal identity. Success leads to an ability to stay true to yourself, while failure leads to role confusion and a weak sense of self.

Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years)

Intimacy vs. Isolation Relationships Young adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation.

THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

Most of Us are Spiritually

Developmentally

DelayedPoint

1

II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into?

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control" ~ Galatians 5:22-23

1 Fruit- Galatians 5:16-21 implies overall character- not individual actions

OF the Spirit- not of us Already in us as Believers Some parts not so well developed

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is Love… “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I

have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  ~ John 13:34-35

“Whoever forgives an offense seeks love, but whoever keeps bringing up the issue separates the closest of friends.” ~ Proverbs 17:9

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” ~ Ephesians 5:1-2

II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into?

Proverbs 3:3 “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”

Proverbs 14:22 “Do not those who plot evil go astray? But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.”

Proverbs 20:6 “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?”

Proverbs 20:28 “Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure.”

II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into?

THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

What Does the Fruit of the

Spirit Mean for Our Marriages?

THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

The Fruit of the Spirit is About

Character Development…

Better Characters Make Better MarriagesPoint 2

III. Why get married?

THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

Do you believe a good marriage is an unfolding process? Or a product you purchase?

Do you believe there is 1 person “right” for you?

What do you think of when you see a “happy” couple? How did they get there?

III. WHY GET MARRIED?

III. A. Companionship

• "How was your day" might be the most beautiful gift a marriage has to offer. It means my life matters to someone.

• Are you and your spouse companions?

• On a scale of 1-10, how much companionship do you experience in your marriage?

Companionship- far more the actual brick and mortar of two lives lived together- the glue that allows the marriage to make it- the path toward finding something rich in your marriageRather than luck and love, the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are

Commitment and Companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication and commitment (to each other and to the institution of marriage). The happiest couples are friends who share lives Finnegan Alford-Cooper, For Keeps: Marriages the Last a Lifetime (Armonk, NY: M. E. Sharpe, 1998); Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. The Good Marriage (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1995); Robert Lauer and Jeanette Lauer, “Factors in Long-Term Marriage” Journal of Family Issues 7:4 (1986): 382-390COMPANIONSHIP

Sanctification

III. B. Sanctification…

• Are you in your marriage to make you happy or whole or holy?

• What if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy . . . but holy?

• And, what if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?

Sanctification…

God is going to use your marriage to get to issues in you wants to address... Happily ever after is centered on character transformation

SANCTIFICATION

III. WHY GET MARRIED?

1. Companionship 2. Sanctification

Marriage is for….• Phil. 2• Eph. 5:15-33God lures us into marriage… then uses it to transform us

Point 3

IV. DEVELOPING LOVE IN US 1. Seek Love… Pursue it…

I Cor. 14:1Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy.

1 Timothy 6:11[ Paul’s Final Instructions ] But you, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness.

Proverbs 21:21Whoever pursues righteousness and unfailing love will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Do you pursue love with your spouse?

2. Listen to your spouseA good listener:• Is slow to speak… James 1:19- “Understand this,

my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

• Listens beyond words… (Listening is: 10% words/30% sounds/60% body language… 80-90% is NON-VERBAL!)

• Focuses on understanding not being understood…

• Is influenced by their spouse

Do you listen to your spouse?

IV. DEVELOPING LOVE IN US

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsburger

“The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich

Do you listen to your spouse?

IV. DEVELOPING LOVE IN US

How safe are you to your spouse?

3. Be Safe• Warmth -John 4- Caring, respect, sincere, non-

smothering concern… regardless of the person’s actions or attitudes

• Genuineness - not phony or superior, open, sincere… honesty without cruel confrontation… (a soft answer turns away wrath), being congruent

• Empathy- Sensitive and able to communicate understanding of the person’s thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, inner conflicts… to “feel with”, especially at the beginning is most helpful

• A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E – do you feel accepted as you are by your spouse? Do you accept your spouse as he/she is?

IV. DEVELOPING LOVE IN US

Do you spend time with your spouse?

4. Share Experiences• Shared experiences- bonding• Time = Love• Recreational activitiesOf course it matters if you don't spend much time together or if that time is spent having a TV dinner. A study in the Journal of Sex Research of 6,029 couples from the US National Survey of Families and Households found (somewhat obviously) that the less time couples spent together, the less sex they had.

IV. DEVELOPING LOVE IN US

We Are Expected to Pursue Love

a deliberate choice to love your spouse each and every day with the unconditional love that God has given to you; a willingness to listen to, understand, and cherish your spouse in every interaction; an unselfish heart that seeks the good of the other

Love Is…

Point 4

Consider This…

o How well do you share life with your spouse?

o What reasons stop you from living life together- blocked the development of companionship?

o Are you waiting for your marriage to make you happy? Or learning and growing into the disciple God desires?

V. Setup For Conflict

V. Setup For Conflict

V. Setup For Conflict

This differentiation in youth leads to dissimilar communication styles in adulthood. Women communicate through dialogue, discussing emotions, choices and problems. Males remain action-oriented -- the goal of communication is to achieve something.

V. Setup For Conflict… Because We Are Different

Nonverbal Communication Body Orientation Arguments Apologizing Giving Compliments

V. Setup For Conflict… Because We Are Different

Problem Solving Getting Your Way Chatterbox Interrupting E-Mail

V. Setup For Conflict… Because We Are Different

V. SETUP FOR CONFLICT

God Designed Differences

We are fabulously different… set up for conflict from the beginning…

and God has designed it this way (!?!?)

Point 5

VI. How Do You “Fix” A Broken Marriage?

Focus on self- not your spouse: Fixing ME fixes US

Become better companions- Play Together Understand WHY you married- accepting

reality of differences and sanctification as a purpose in marriage

Mature as a disciple of Christ (Seek character formation in you, Seek love in you)

Pursue growing the Fruit of the Spirit in you

Do something

Look at your wedding pictures together – talk about your hopes and wishes for a better marriage

Choose 1 thing a day that you can do to love your spouse better… tell your spouse at the end of each day- ask them how well you did?

Be intentional about spending time together- doing something- have a date night- shut off the TV