the secret to reaching anyone - mark...

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Some lucky people seem to have a magic touch when itcomes to getting people to buy into their plans, goals,and desires. But, in reality, reaching people isn’t magic.It’s an art . . . and a science. And it’s easier than youthink.

S E C T I O N I

The Secret to

Reaching Anyone

3

Who’s Holding

You Hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so

constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.

—PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR,

NATURAL CAPITALISM

1

ight now, there’s someone in your life you need toreach. But you can’t, and it’s driving you crazy. Maybeit’s somebody at work: a subordinate, a team member,

a client, your boss. Or maybe it’s somebody at home: a partner, a par-ent, a defiant teen, an angry “ex.”

You’ve tried everything—logic, persuasion, forcefulness, plead-ing, anger—but you’ve hit a wall every time. You’re mad, scared, orfrustrated. And you’re thinking, “What now?”

Here’s what I want you to do: Think of this as a hostage situa-tion. Why? Because you can’t get free. You’re trapped by anotherperson’s resistance, fear, hostility, apathy, stubbornness, self-cen-teredness, or neediness—and by your own inability to take effectiveaction.

And that’s where I come in.I’m just an average guy—husband, father, doctor—but a long

time ago, I discovered that I had a special talent. You could drop meinto just about any situation, and I could reach people. I could per-

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suade defiant executives, angry employees, or self-destructing man-agement teams to work cooperatively toward solutions. I could getthrough to families in turmoil and to married couples who hatedeach other’s guts. I could even change the minds of hostage takersand desperate people contemplating suicide.

I wasn’t sure what I was doing differently from everybody else,but I could tell it worked. I knew I wasn’t smarter than everybodyelse, and I knew my success wasn’t just luck because what I didworked consistently, and it worked with all kinds of people in everytype of situation. But why did it work?

In analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out I’d happened on a simple, quick set of techniques—some I’d discovered on my own, and others I’d learned from mentors andcolleagues—that create traction. That is, they pull people towardme, even if those people are trying to pull away.

To understand this, picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Yourtires slip and slide and can’t grab hold. But downshift, and you getcontrol. It’s like pulling the road to meet you.

Most people upshift when they want to get through to otherpeople. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push.And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the tech-niques I offer, you’ll do exactly the opposite—you’ll listen, ask, mir-ror, and reflect back to people what you’ve heard. When you do,they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpecteddownshift will draw them to you.

The powerful techniques you’ll learn in this book can movepeople rapidly and easily, often within minutes, from “no” to “yes.”I employ them every day to fix broken families and help warringcouples fall in love again. I use them to save companies on thebrink of meltdown, get feuding managers to work together effec-tively, and empower salespeople to make “impossible” sales. And Iuse them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in thetoughest situations possible, when life and death are on the line.

In fact, as you’ll find out, you have a lot in common withhostage negotiators when it comes to reaching the people who don’twant to listen to you. That’s why this book starts with Frank’s story.

4 The Secret to Reaching Anyone

Frank is sitting in his car in a large mall parking lot, and nobodyis coming near him because he’s holding a shotgun to his throat.The SWAT team and the hostage negotiation team are called in.The SWAT team takes positions behind other cars and vehicles,trying to not agitate the man.

As they wait, they fill in the background details. They’relooking at a man in his early thirties who lost his customer serv-ice job at a large electronics store six months earlier for yelling atcustomers and coworkers. He’d interviewed for several jobs, butdidn’t get any of them. He was abusive verbally to his wife andtwo young children.

A month earlier, his wife and kids moved in with her parentsin another city. She told him that she needed a break, and heneeded to get his act together. The landlord of their apartmentkicked him out at the same time because they hadn’t paid therent. He moved into a shabby room in a poor section of the city.He stopped bathing and shaving and ate next to nothing. Thelast straw was the restraining order he’d received the day beforehe ended up at the mall parking lot.

Now the lead negotiator is talking calmly to the man. “Frank,this is Lieutenant Evans, I’m going to be talking with you,because there is another way out of this besides hurting yourself.I know you don’t think you have any choice, but you really do.”

Frank exclaims: “You don’t know s***. You’re just likeeveryone else. Leave me the f*** alone!”

Lieutenant Evans replies: “I don’t think I can do that. You’rehere in the middle of a mall parking lot with a gun to your throat,and I need to help you find another way out of this situation.”

“Go f*** yourself! I don’t need anyone’s help!” Frank replies.And so the conversation proceeds for an hour, with stretches

of silence lasting several minutes or more. As the informationabout Frank comes in, it becomes clear that he’s not an evil per-son, just a very disturbed and angry one. The SWAT team ispoised to “take him out” if he threatens anyone else with his gun,but everyone except Frank would like to end this peacefully.However, the odds of that don’t look so good.

After an hour and a half, another negotiator, Detective Kramer,arrives. Kramer is a graduate of one of the hostage negotiation train-ing sessions I’ve delivered to police and FBI hostage negotiators.

who’s holding You hostage? 5

Detective Kramer’s been briefed about Frank’s backgroundand the status of this negotiation and offers Lieutenant Evans adifferent suggestion: “Here’s what I want you to say to the guy:‘I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to have triedeverything else and be stuck with this as your only way out, isn’tthat true?’”

Evans replies, “Say what?”Kramer repeats the suggestion: “Yeah, go on, say this to the

guy: ‘I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to havetried everything else and be stuck with this as your only wayout, isn’t that true?’”

Evans complies and when he says that to Frank, Frank tooreplies with: “Say what?”

Evans repeats it to Frank, who this time responds: “Yeah,you’re right, nobody knows and nobody gives a f***!”

Kramer tells Evans, “Good, you got a ‘Yes’; now you’re in.Let’s build on that.” He adds a second question for the lead nego-tiator to ask: “Yeah, and I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows whatit’s like to start every day believing that there’s more chance thatsomething will go wrong than go right, isn’t that true, too?”

To that, Frank replies: “Yeah, every f****** day! The samething happens.”

Kramer tells Evans to repeat what he’s heard and get anadditional confirmation: “And because nobody knows how bad itis and nobody cares and because nothing goes right and every-thing goes wrong, that’s why you’re in your car with a gun want-ing to end it all. True?”

“True,” Frank replied, his voice showing the earliest signs ofcalming down.

“Tell me more. What exactly has happened to you? When wasyour life last okay, and what’s happened since then to turn it tocrap?” Evans invites.

Frank starts to recount the events since he was fired fromhis job.

When he pauses, Evans responds with: “Really . . . tell memore.”

Frank continues describing the problems he’s had. At somepoint, with guidance from Kramer, Evans says: “And all of that’scaused you to feel angry? Or frustrated? Or discouraged? Or


hopeless? Or what exactly?” Evans waits for Frank to pick theword that best fits how he feels.

Frank finally owns up to: “Fed up.”Evans follows up with: “So you felt fed up and when you got

that restraining order, that was the breaking point?”“Yeah,” Frank confirms. His voice, once hostile, is quieter now.In a few sentences, Frank’s gone from refusing to communi-

cate to listening and beginning to have a conversation. What justhappened? The most critical step in persuasion—the step I referto as “buy-in”—has begun. That’s the step where a person goesfrom resisting to listening and then to considering what’s beingsaid.

What caused Frank to start listening and begin to “buy in”to what Lieutenant Evans was saying? That shift was no acci-dent. The secret lay in saying the words that Frank was thinkingbut not saying. When the lieutenant’s words matched whatFrank was thinking, Frank leaned into the conversation andbegan to say, “Yes.”

■ The Persuasion Cycle

You probably don’t find yourself in the types of situations thathostage negotiators handle. But on any given day, who are you try-ing to persuade to do something?

The answer is: nearly everybody you meet. Almost all commu-nication is an effort to get through to people and cause them to dosomething different than they were doing before. Maybe you’re try-ing to sell them something. Maybe you’re trying to talk sense intothem. Or maybe you need to impress them that you’re the right per-son for a job, a promotion, or a relationship.

But here’s the challenge: People have their own needs, desires,and agendas. They have secrets they’re hiding from you. And they’restressed, busy, and often feeling like they’re in over their heads. Tocope with their stress and insecurity, they throw up mental barri-cades that make it difficult to reach them even if they share yourgoals, and nearly impossible if they’re hostile.


Approach these people armed solely with reason and facts, orresort to arguing or encouraging or pleading, and you’ll expect toget through—but often you won’t. Instead, you’ll get smackeddown, and you’ll never have a clue why. (How often have youwalked away from a sales pitch, an office meeting, or an argumentwith your partner or child, shaking your head and saying, “Whatthe heck just happened?”)

The good news is that you can get through, simply by changingyour approach. The techniques I describe in this book work forhostage negotiators in the most desperate situations, and they’reequally potent if you’re trying to reach a boss, a coworker, a client,a lover, or even an angry teenager. They’re easy, they’re fast, and youcan hit the ground running with them.

These techniques are powerful because they address the core ofsuccessful communication: what I call the “Persuasion Cycle” (seeFigure 1-1). In developing the Persuasion Cycle, I was inspired by the ground-breaking work and ideas of James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente in their Transtheoretical Model of Change and byWilliam R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick in their creation of Moti-vational Interviewing.

All persuasion moves through the steps of this cycle. To takepeople from the beginning to the end of the Persuasion Cycle, youneed to speak with them in a manner that moves them:

■ From resisting to listening■ From listening to considering■ From considering to willing to do■ From willing to do to doing■ From doing to glad they did and continuing to do.

The focus, central tenet, and promise of this book, “the secret ofgetting through to absolutely anyone,” is that you get through topeople by having them “buy in.” “Buy-in” occurs when people movefrom “resisting” to “listening” to “considering” what you’re saying.

Ironically, the key to gaining “buy in” and then moving peoplethrough the rest of the cycle is not what you tell them, but what


you get them to tell you—and what happens in their minds in theprocess

In the following chapters, I’ll lay out nine basic rules and twelvequick techniques you can use to move people through differentpoints on the Persuasion Cycle. Master these rules and techniques,and you can put them to work wherever you go in your career orpersonal life. They’re the same concepts I teach FBI agents andhostage negotiators for building empathy, de-escalating conflict,and gaining buy-in to a desired solution—and when you knowthem, you won’t need to be held hostage by another person’s anger,fear, lack of interest, or hidden agenda. That’s because you’ll havethe tools you need to turn the situation to your advantage.


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Figure 1-1 The Persuasion Cycle


As you read this book, you’ll find multiple options for handlingany situation. That’s because while we’re all similar in manyways, we each have our own way of doing things. The rules Ioutline in Section II are universal, but feel free to hand-pick thetechniques in Sections III and IV that suit your personality andyour life.

■ The Secret: Getting Through Is Simple

There’s nothing magic about the approaches you’ll learn in thesepages. In fact, one secret you’ll discover is that reaching people iseasier than it looks. To illustrate that point, I’ll share the story ofDavid, a CEO who used my techniques to turn his career around—and to save his family at the same time.

David was technically competent, but heavy handed and dictato-rial. His CTO quit David’s firm, saying he loved the company butcouldn’t handle the boss. Employees underperformed to retaliatefor David’s abuse. Investors found him brusque and condescend-ing, and they passed on the chance to invest in his company.

I was called in by the board to see if David could be rehabili-tated. I had strong doubts when I met with him, but I knew Ihad to make the effort to reach him.

As David and I talked about his management style, I askedhim on a whim, “How does your style play at home?”

He replied, “Funny you should ask that.” When I asked why,he responded, “I have a 15-year-old kid who’s bright but lazy,and nothing I try works with him. He gets bad report cards, andmy wife just coddles him. I love my kid but I’m almost disgustedby him. We had him evaluated, and he’s got some kind of learn-ing or attention problem. The teachers try to help him, but hejust doesn’t follow through with any of their suggestions. I thinkhe’s a good kid, but I just don’t know what to make of it.”

On a hunch, I taught David some quick communicationtechniques and told him to test them at work and at home. We

scheduled a time to speak again a week later, but after just threedays I received a message from him. It said: “Dr. Goulston,please give me a call at your earliest convenience. There’s some-thing I’ve got to talk to you about.”

I thought to myself, “Oh God, what the heck happened?,”and called him back. I was surprised to hear the emotion in hisvoice when he answered.

“Doc,” he said, “I think you might have saved my life.”“What happened?” I asked, and he replied, “I did exactly

what you told me to.”“With your board and people?” I asked. “How did. . . .”He interrupted me. “No I haven’t spoken with them yet. It

was with my son. I went home and went into his room and saidI needed to talk to him. Then I said to him, ‘I’ll bet you feel thatnone of us know what it’s like to be told you’re smart and not beable to use your intelligence to perform well. Isn’t that so?’ Andhis eyes started to water—just as you predicted.”

David continued, “I followed up with the next question yousuggested: ‘And I’ll bet sometimes you wish you weren’t sosmart, so we wouldn’t have all these expectations of you and beon your case all the time about not trying harder, isn’t that truetoo?’ He started to cry . . . and my eyes began to water up. ThenI asked him, ‘How bad does it get for you?’”

David went on in a choked voice, “He could hardly talk. Hesaid, ‘It’s getting worse, and I don’t know how much more of it Ican take. I’m disappointing everyone, all the time.’”

By this point, David told me, he was crying himself. “Whydidn’t you tell me it was so bad?” he asked his son. David toldme with pain in his voice what happened next: “My son stoppedcrying and looked back at me with the anger and resentmentthat he must have been feeling for years. And he said, ‘Becauseyou didn’t want to know.’ And he was right.”

“What did you do next?” I asked.“I couldn’t let him be alone in this.” David said. “So I told

him, ‘We’re going to fix this. In the meantime I’m going to bringmy laptop and work on your bed and keep you company whenyou’re doing your homework. I can’t let you be alone whenyou’re feeling so awful.’ We’ve been doing it each night now for afew days, and I think he and we are starting to turn a corner.”


He paused, and said, “You helped me dodge a bullet, doc.What can I do in return for you?”

I replied, “Do unto your company as you just did unto yourson.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.“You let your son exhale,” I said. “When you did, he told

you what was really going on underneath—and to your credityou handled it superbly. You have a load of people—from boardmembers to your management team—who view you exactly asyour son did, and they also need to exhale about their frustra-tion with you.”

David set up two meetings, one with his board and one withhis executive team. He said the same thing to each group. Hestarted off sternly: “I’ve got to tell you that I’m really very disap-pointed”—at which point both groups steeled themselves,preparing to take a tongue lashing—“I’m very disappointed inhow I’ve jumped on all of you and then have been closed off toinput from all of you, when you’ve steadfastly been trying to pro-tect this company and me from me. I didn’t want to listen, butI’m listening now.”

David went on to share the story of his son. He concludedhis remarks by saying, “I’m asking you to give me a secondchance, because I think we can fix this. If you’ll give me yourinput one more time, I’ll listen and with your help find a way toimplement your ideas.”

His board and his management team not only decided togive him a second chance, they gave him a standing ovation.

What’s the moral of this story? That the right words have tre-mendous power to heal. In David’s case, a few hundred words savedhis job, his company, and his relationship with his son.

But there’s a second lesson here. Look at the two stories in thischapter, and you’ll see that Detective Kramer and David used someof the same approaches to achieve very different goals. DetectiveKramer kept a troubled man from killing himself, while David kepthis company from firing him and mended the fractures in his fam-ily. The power of these techniques, and the others you’ll learn, liesin the fact that they apply to nearly any person and any situation.


Why does a single set of communication tools have such uni-versal power? Because while our lives and our problems are verydifferent, our brains work in similar ways. In the next chapter, we’lltake a very quick look at why our minds “buy-in” or “buy-out”—and why reaching an unreachable person depends on talking to thebrain.


the secret to reaching anyone - mark...

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