the pulse 10.23 » june 6-12, 2013

MUSIC a Skynyrd odySSey teCh leSSonS of bIg data theater “MonSter”

June 6, 2013 Vol. 10 • no. 23

Chattanooga’s Weekly alternative

Craftbeer

Chattanooga IS deVelopIng a beer CUltUre all ItS oWn. In a lIttle oVer 100 yearS, We’Ve gone froM beer feaSt to faMIne, and noW baCk to feaSt agaIn. CheCk oUt the JoUrney and hear froM Chattanooga’S top Craft beer breWerS.

2 • The Pulse • june 6-12, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

chattanoogapulse.com • june 6-12, 2013 • The Pulse • 3

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Contributors Rich Bailey • Rob Brezsny • Zachary coopercody maxwell • John DeVore • Janis hashematt Jones • mike mcJunkin • ernie paik

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The FINe PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer media and is distributed throughout the city of chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. no person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. © 2013 Brewer media. all rights reserved.

BReWeR MeDIA GROuPPublisher & President Jim Brewer II


The sTRuT

The Joytime Will Certainly Be Jumpin’

Last year, public outcry saved the Bessie Smith Strut from being uprooted from MLK Boulevard and moved to the Riverfront. Yet many felt the controversy and the way the city handled beefed-up se-curity damaged the feel of the Riverbend highlight.

But the Strut is back for 2013 on Monday, June 10 with a great line-up—so if you gave it a pass last year, get your mouth ready for turkey drumsticks and a whole lotta good music this year. Especially exciting: headliner Pimps of Joytime, that Brooklyn-based-by-way-of-New Orleans, genre-bust-ing, just downright irresist-ible group of mad funksters. Haven’t heard the word? Google “Janxta Funk” and see what we’re talking about. The Strut schedule includes:

• 5:15 p.m. Deacon Bluz at the Trestle stage

• 5:30 p.m. Scotty Bratcher at the Bessie Smith Cul-tural Center

• 6:45 p.m. Eric Sardinas at the Trestle stage

• 7:00 p.m. Pimps of Joy-time at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center

• 8:15 p.m. James “Nick” Nixson at the Trestle stage

• 8:30 p.m. Dedra Ruff and Ruff Pro at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center

Cost is $5 through June 8 (without a Riverbend pin); $10 day of (without a Riverbend pin). Those with a pin will still pay $5 to get into the Strut.

Visit bessiesmithcc.org for more information.

—Staff

hOT ROD POWeR TOuR

Revving It Up At Chatt State

Pull your leather jacket out of the closet. The Hot Rod Power Tour is coming back to Chatta-nooga.

The tour is a seven-day, seven city event, during which thousands of people drive their beloved hot rods, muscle cars, custom trucks and more from city to city. Now in its 19th year, the tour returns to Chat-tanooga after first stopping in the Scenic City in 2010. The event is expected to attract more than 6,000 participants and even more spectators, with an estimated local economic impact of $1 million.

The local stop of the tour—“Coker Tire Cruise Night”—will take place June 6 at Chat-tanooga State Community College, from noon until 7 p.m. Admission is free for specta-tors, and locals who want to show off their own hot rods can register their cars for the day and participate in the activi-ties.

The sponsor of the event, Coker Tire, will also be throw-ing a free block party around their downtown offices at 1317 Chestnut St. beginning at 5 p.m. This party is meant to bring some of the hot rods to

the downtown area so more Chattanoogans can have a chance to rev their engines.

If you love loud engines and fast cars, don’t miss out on this one-day-only event. The Power Tour doesn’t often visit cities twice, let alone three times, so this may be your last chance to hear those thousands of hot rods revving in harmony. For more information on registra-tion or the events, visit www.hotrod.com.

—Carson O’Shoney

WhIskey WOMeN uNITe

Make Mine a Manhattan

If you are a sassy, philosophi-cal, creative, unapologetic ba-dass of the female variety who enjoys a frequent tumbler of Stumble Juice, the Whiskey Women want YOU.

The Whiskey Women, found-ed in May 2012 and “figured out in April of 2013” is a new Nooga organization setting out to break the stereotype that whiskey is a drink to be en-joyed only by men. And, lucky you if you fit any of the afore-mentioned adjectives, because they’re doing it in your own backyard (well, kind of).

Sounds like your idea of a feckin’ good time? Bring your-

self, a friend, and $20 (price includes two cocktails) to the bar at St. John’s Meeting Place, 1274 Market St., at 6 p.m. on Wed., June 12. Jack, George, Jim, Jameson, or Chattanoo-ga’s own whiskey, as well as the fabulous Whiskey Women, will be waiting for you there.

But before you go, be sure to peruse thewhiskeywomen.com while sophisticatedly sipping your favorite happy hour whis-key drink. There you’ll find an oasis of cocktail recipes, tips for stocking your home bar, witty whiskey-isms, whiskey history, and everyday life reflections and advice. What more could you possibly want, damnit?

—Keeli Monroe

MAClellAN IslAND

Get Your Ducks (and Herons) In A Row

Ever wondered about the wonders awaiting you on that little island in the middle of the river? You need wonder no more if you join the Audubon Society for one of its weekly vis-its to Maclellan Island, made even more fabulous because you get there by Chattanooga Duck. The tour includes stops at the great blue heron rookery and the “rain-shadow” desert under the Veteran’s Bridge. A great urban mini-adventure and a fun way to spend half a day with out-of-town guests.

Maclellan/Audubon Island Adventure, Sat., June 8, 9 a.m.-noon. $16 adults, $14 teens, $8 ages 3-12, $5 ages 3 and un-der. Pre-registration required: [email protected]

—Staff

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POLITICS

The ‘Place” We Call Brainerd

But, says City Councilperson Carol Berz, who represents Dis-trict 6, the redevelopment plan for the area is moving along just about on the timeline expected. “Although sometimes it seems to go slowly, in order for the out-come to be durable, a number of diverse entities have to be at the table and be heard,” she says.

Progress is apparent, espe-cially to those who haven’t been to Brainerd in a while. Berz cites “the ‘re-tooling’ of Eastgate and Brainerd Village, the new res-taurants, the demolition of the vacant car dealer buildings at the levee and the design of the new park there, the Chamber [of Commerce]’s campaign to devel-op the ‘midTown’ concept as an area of enrichment, enlighten-ment and energy, and the many people from within and outside the District who have joined together to create a vision and make that vision happen.”

Challenges, however, remain.

“Perhaps the next big hurdle and the one that will be featured at this next summit is the imple-mentation of zoning ordinances that emphasize the concept of ‘place,’” Berz says. One of the June 7 meeting’s highlights, she says, will be representatives from the Chattanooga-Ham-ilton County Regional Plan-ning Agency “talking about the project they are working on to standardize and bring up-to-date the ordinances for zoning, construction, signage, etc. to go along with the Brainerd Road Corridor Plan.”

Regional Planning Agency Executive Director John Bridg-er also refers to the concept of “place” when discussing what he will present at the summit. “First, we have to establish a common understanding about why the idea of ‘place’ is impor-tant; how it adds to value, not detracts from it. We all have a role in creating ‘place.’ Second,

we’ll talk about how that hap-pens, with streetscapes, side-walks, signage…We want to es-tablish Brainerd as a gateway, not a throughway.”

Both Berz and Bridger note that changing codes for what is permitted on the busy ar-tery will be difficult, but key to increasing its urban appeal. “Codes are by nature very black and white,” says Bridger. “But if we are going to build in a com-munity, some standards are de-manded. The challenge will be in building in enough flexibility to the codes that each individ-ual situation can be evaluated fairly.” He points to places on Brainerd Road where parking cannot be eliminated to create streetscapes. “A little bit of ran-domness is good,” he says. “We’re talking about a shared common investment that gives us the quality of place we all want.”

Ultimately, those who actually live and work in Brainerd should

have quite a bit to say about changes. “People should attend the summit or other community meetings,” says Berz. “Get in-volved with neighborhood asso-ciations. Our accomplishments are the result of public/private partnership and good old-fash-ioned collaboration with indi-viduals, neighborhood associa-tions, community organizations, property owners, developers and city and county officials, all of whom are interested in making District 6 a model place to live, work and play. We have been grassroots from the beginning.”

District 6 Summit, Friday, June 7, 8:30 -10:30 a.m., Uni-versity of Phoenix, 1208 Pointe Circle Dr., #100. To receive infor-mation about meetings such as the District 6 Summit, send con-tact information to [email protected].

By Janis Hashe

When residents, businesspeople and city government representatives gather on June 7 for the “District 6 Summit,” one of the questions expected to be addressed is the speed—or lack there-of—at which proposed changes to Brainerd Road and adjacent areas are actually happening. The first “summit” on the subject, after all, took place April 18, 2008.

We want to establish Brainerd as a gateway, not a throughway

— RPA Executive Director

John Bridger

“

Next District 6 Summit examines where plan goes next


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New Dischord Festival featuring Michael kallstrom, Ashley hamilton and Tim hinck• this highly anticipated four-day intermedia festival kicks off with the hard-to-define artwork of this talented artist improvisational trio.5 p.m. • tanner hill gallery, 3069 s. Broad st., (423) 280-7182, tannerhillgallery.com

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Renard hirsch• Dryly observational humor covering schizo drug dealers to substitute lawyers. 8 p.m. • the comedy catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com

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Bill Fox, Big kitty, Dark Rides, Blue River hex, Bohannons, Dead languages• Yes, there is plenty of music happening this weekend beyond the riverfront.10 p.m. • JJ’s Bohemia, 231 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com

sat06.08COMPeTITION

8th Annual 2013 NPC Battle at the River• Bodybuilding, figure and bikini championships. Yowza!6:30 p.m. • tivoli theatre, 709 Broad st. (423) 642-tIXs, chattanoogaonstage.com

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Amber Fults• see her once, be a fan for life.10 p.m. • the office, 901 carter st. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191. facebook.com/theoffice.chatt

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After giving alcohol the cold shoulder for much of the last cen-tury, Chattanooga is now embrac-ing it as never before. The city has five independent craft beer breweries and will soon boast its first whiskey distillery. Livability.com recently placed Chattanooga at number 10 on its list of the Top 10 beer cities in the country; and Brent Stott and Larry Vance, owners of a company called Chat-tanooga Brew Tours, run visits to the city’s breweries for locals and tourists alike in a 14-seat school bus.

To find a similarly thriving beer-brewing culture in Chatta-nooga, you’d have to go back 100 years. Between 1892 and 1909, the huge Chattanooga Brewing Company covered an entire block of Broad Street between 2nd and 3rd Streets downtown. Charles Reif, the son of a German immi-grants from Cincinnati, moved to Chattanooga in 1890 when his father bought the Sunny South Brewery from Conrad Geise.

All brewed well until 1909, when the so-called “drys”—mem-bers of the American Temperance Society anxious to stem the tide of

alcohol in the state—managed to get a law passed halting “the pro-duction of intoxicating beverages for sale in Tennessee.”

Of course, it’s one thing to pass a law and quite another to enforce it, particularly if most people don’t like it, as appears to have been the case. An 1837 report by the Tennessee state legislature on “tippling houses” in Tennes-see suggests just how easy it was to sell liquor. That report found that virtually any entertainment establishment had the authority to sell “spirituous liquors.” Liquor licenses, according to the report, were “granted to almost every one applying . . . enabling all who chose, to indulge occasionally in a social glass.” This situation seemed in line with the desires of Tennessee’s citizenry. As the re-port noted, “Scarcely an instance of complaint was heard, that the rights and privileges of any citizen were curtailed, or his liberties in-fringed upon.”

That most people not only didn’t like Tennessee’s 1909 anti-liquor law, but often ignored it, is borne out by Paul Isaac, in his history of the period. Accord-

ing to Isaac, enforcement of the unpopular law required periodic “clean-up campaigns.” One such campaign was carried out in Chattanooga in February 1911, when “one hundred and seven-ty-five persons, including three members of the city council, were indicted, and the next year over a hundred more were fined, for sell-ing intoxicants in Chattanooga.”

Reif wasn’t a revolutionary or a scofflaw; he just wanted to make some money. In 1909, he changed the name of the company to the Purity Extract and Tonic Com-pany and began marketing “near beer,” soft drinks and bottled wa-ter. With the passage of national prohibition in 1930, beer brewing completely dried up. Ten years later the Purity Extract and Tonic Company sold its huge brewing and bottling plant to Coca-Cola.

It was more than 80 years be-fore brewing beer resumed in Chattanooga—and even by the 1990s, it proved a difficult chal-lenge. Until 1993, when Rob Gentry, along with his partner, Tim Hennen, opened Chatta-nooga’s first brewpub, Big River Grille, it was against the law to

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brew beer in any county with less than a million people, and as a result, the only parts of the state with a brewpub were Memphis and Nashville. It was only after spending months lobbying the legislature to get the law changed that Gentry and Hennen opened Chattanooga’s first microbrewery.

Gentry began the fight. He’d originally intended to revive the Chattanooga Brewing Company but couldn’t raise the required capital. It had been at least two generations since anybody had conceived of a brewery in Chat-tanooga, and with the law mak-ing it all but impossible to run a brewery and sell the beer directly from the premises, his concept held little promise.

Gentry was about to give up on the idea when someone suggested that he talk to Tim Hennen. Hen-nen and his brother, Johnny, had run Yesterdays, a very successful bar, restaurant, and music hall in the 1970s and 1980s. With Hen-nen as his partner, Gentry finally successfully lobbied to change the law, and the two opened Big Riv-er, offering four craft beers along with a full menu. It was, accord-

ing to Gentry, an almost instant success. “The difficulty in the early days,” he said, “was just the sheer volume—keeping up (with the demand).”

Initially they had four beers on tap—wheat, amber, pale ale and a stout. Their success was predicat-ed as much on Gentry’s talents as a marketer as on Hennen’s skills as a restaurateur. From the out-set the challenge was to convince their customers to try something new.

The solution was giving it to them free of charge. Every cus-tomer was offered a small taster glass of any of the four styles of beer they were serving. Within a few weeks of opening, Gentry was brewing between 1,200 and 1,500 gallons of beer every week.

Some of his early attempts at brewing were less than success-ful, but customers were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and as he began to get the hang of it, he developed a devoted fol-lowing. A mix of art and science, craft brewing on the local level is a personalized profession. Like a good chef, each brewer produces a slightly different product—some-

times every time he or she brews a batch. But for his loyal customers, that was part of the fun.

At the end of their first year in business, Gentry and Hennen wanted to celebrate. Gentry sug-gested a block party centered on the parking lot adjacent to the brewpub on Broad Street. “We called it ‘The Southern Brewers’ Festival’, said Gentry, giggling at the memory. “We did it on a lark, just for fun. We put a small stage in the corner of the park-ing lot, erected some tents…and we ran out of beer in about two hours.” They had to roll all of the empty kegs into the basement of Big River and fill them from the brewpub’s tanks.

The annual festival has be-come a fixture, raising thousands of dollars for charity and show-casing beers from breweries all across the country. This year’s festival is scheduled for Saturday, August 24.

Within a few years the Big River franchise had grown to 33 locations across the country and Gentry was worn out. Tired of traveling, he decided to open his own restaurant, The Blue Plate.

Initially, he was reluctant to add craft beers to the menu. But af-ter selling his share in Big River he decided to add a pub to the restaurant. Now the Blue Plate shares the space with Local 191, Gentry’s new brewpub, selling “two or three” of Big River’s beers along with craft beers from other local brewers. The pub has 12 taps in all, but Gentry isn’t brewing.

Someday that may change. “I miss working with the recipes, and sharing those recipes with the guests at the bar,” he said a little wistfully. “That connection be-tween the guests and the brewer is really dynamic.”

A Brew For What Ales You

Like most of the brewers in Chattanooga’s microbreweries, Mark Markum began as a home brewer. He was given a home brew kit for Christmas 1999 and began making five-gallon batches that he shared with his friends. In 2007, he and his partner Jona-than Clark opened the Chatta-nooga Brewing Company in a 1,200-square-foot-store front on Frazier Ave. on the North Shore.


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Markum and his partner sell most of their beer in local tav-erns, but about five percent of the 700 gallons of beer they brew every month is sold to customers who crowd the tiny barroom on weekend afternoons. Like Mar-kum and other local aficiona-dos, they’ve tired of the anodyne product from the huge commer-cial breweries. “Generally, craft beers will have more body and more taste because they use more grains and more hops in making them,” Markum explained.

According to Markum, com-mercial beers like Budweiser and Miller are the result of a deal with the devil. The major brewers, he said, were trying to make beer “as cheaply as possible and make it taste just enough like beer so that it would pass…And, of course, it had alcohol in it to keep it from spoiling and to get you drunk.”

Markum’s enthusiasm for his pale ales, stouts, lagers, and IPAs is borne out by the taste and the buzz. American pale ales tend to be “hoppier” and have a higher alcohol content (about 5.5 per-cent) than British Bass pale ale. American IPAs are even “hop-pier” and have a higher alcohol

content (6.3 percent) than the pale ales, he said, chortling in delight. Like Gentry, Markum relishes making and sharing his product. But running a micro-brewery is largely its own reward. Tennessee has the highest tax in the country on beer sold whole-sale, and the profit on the small amount they sell in the taproom isn’t ever going to make them rich. So, after six years on Fra-zier Avenue, they’re moving into their own purpose-built brewpub on the Southside. Set to open by Christmas, it will feature 6,000 square feet of brewery space and 1,500 square feet of retail space, including a tasting room and a restaurant. The food will be designed to complement the beer rather than the other way around—Markum wouldn’t have it any other way.

Three other microbreweries have opened in Chattanooga dur-ing the past few years, bearing out the perception among local brewers that the market for craft beers is “exploding.” McHale’s Brewhouse on Ashland Terrace opened in 2011 and The Termi-nal Brewhouse on Market Street, adjacent to the Chattanooga Choo Choo, began brewing in 2009. A couple of years earlier, Chris Hunt opened the Moccasin

Bend Brewery, whose motto is “Keep Moccasin Bend weird, and weird is good.”

Regarded as a kind of mad scientist, Hunt takes pleasure in stretching people’s perceptions of what beer is and how it should taste. “We take a style of beer, and then we put our twist on it,” he said. “For example, our choco-late stout; it doesn’t contain any chocolate, but we discovered a malt combination that mim-ics that chocolate taste.” They also brew a smoked porter with “a bacon flavor” called “smoked porker.”

Located in a warehouse built in the early 1940s of red wood and brick, it’s a relatively small brewery, producing between 240 ad 280 gallons a week. “We start-ed off really small, and because of that we learned to brew a lot of different beers,” said Hunt, by way of explaining why he and his partner produced 45 different “brands” last year. This year, he intends to brew fewer styles, but his enthusiasm may well get the best of him.

Moccasin Bend Brewery pro-duces stouts, ales, lagers and sours. “We’re the only brewery in town, as far as I know, to create a sour (a Belgian-style beer made from both yeast and a bacteria

that gives it a sour taste). Any-thing Belgian, but especially the sours, are becoming really popu-lar,” said Hunt. The tasting room (legally they can’t call it a bar) is tiny, just 640 square feet, but most people take their beer into the adjacent garden and eat from the food trucks parked nearby.

Chattanooga’s most recent brewpub, McHale’s Brewery, run by brewer Adam Hale and his cousin, is on Ashland Terrace. Like Hunt, Hale exults in experi-mentation, but he’s loath to step too far outside the norm. “I most-ly stick to the basic ingredients. I’ve always been interested in seeing what you can do with just a small palette of grains and the hops with different yeasts…the way you treat the yeast can make such a big difference. I occa-sionally may put other things in there. One of our beers is called ‘The Clementine,’ that’s made with Clementine oranges. We were only using the zest. It gave it that kind of orange-y perfume.”

Big River became big money. But for the most part, so far at least, for the rest of these avid alchemists, their reward is the pleasure they bring to the grow-ing number of drinkers they’ve introduced to a brew that every-one thought they already knew.


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I’m going to go ahead and say what so many of us are already thinking. Beer pairs better with food than wine. I know that will seem blas-phemous to my oenophi-list friends, but hear me out before asking for my head as part on a charcuterie platter. Beer has a broader range of styles, flavors, com-ponents and finishes that can complement as well as contrast nearly any kind of food. It can be argued that craft beers are more complex than wine and provide more layers of flavor to work with when paired with food. If that seems hard to imagine, try asking a sommelier what wine would best be served with a platter of tamales, spicy Szechwan noodles, or a pulled pork sandwich. Now try to think of any food that can’t be matched with some type of beer—I couldn’t think of one either.

It is true, however, that you

can’t pair just any beer with any food. There are some ba-sic principles you should keep in mind when pairing that meal’s comestibles with one or more beers.

Birds of a feather: Beers and foods of similar intensi-ties will complement each other. A light, delicate dish would typically work better with lighter foods. A blond ale, for example, could be paired with chicken, salmon, light, nutty cheeses, or even lemon custard. However, there are times when you want contrast, say by pairing a hoppy, slightly bitter pale ale with a rich, cream sauce or a light lager to offset the heat of a spicy dish.

More than just the meat: There are more fla-vors on the table than just the meat. Think about the other ingredients, dishes, and ac-companiments that will be a

part of the meal when pick-ing out the meal’s beer.

Plan the guest list in your mouth: When you plan a party, you want a good mix of people so the interac-tions between them will add to the character of the soiree. The same principle applies to pairing beer with foods—you want the flavors to interact in interesting ways to keep your taste buds from get-ting bored. That can take the form of contrasting or com-plementary pairings—maybe even both in the same meal!

For example, a clean, crisp beer will contrast beauti-fully against grilled or seared foods, but a smooth, brown ale would complement such a dish.

Food and beer interaction takes place between the bit-ter, sweet, rich, spice, and carbonation elements within the pairing. Fatty foods, ei-ther sweet or savory, can be

matched with hoppy bitter-ness, fruity sweetness, roast-ed malt or even carbonation, which is particularly effec-tive at cutting richness. For example, the hoppiness and malty sweetness of an India Pale Ale classically pairs well with strong, spicy foods such as Indian or Thai curries or roasted, barbecued meats.

One final warning: With the popularity of spicy foods and higher alcohol content beers, it should be noted that alcohol is a solvent to capsa-icin, the heat component in spicy foods. Drinking alco-hol, even an ice-cold beer, can actually make the burn worse by spreading it through-out your mouth and throat. Sweeter, maltier beers with a low ABV are a better choice when eating that plate of Vol-cano Hot Wings or Cousin Ernest’s Butt Burn Chili.

— Mike McJunkin

Beer & Food - BFFs forever An introduction to pairing beer with food

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Requests for Skynyrd are always shouted in the hipster arenas anytime someone wants to degrade where they come from—to shake their heads smiling and hope someone rec-ognizes their wit and how far they’ve risen above their em-barrassing roots. “Freebird!” is especially chiding—ask one of

the Bohannon brothers or the folks at JJ’s Bohemia how many times they’ve heard that one. But Lynyrd Skynyrd is a hell of a rock ’n roll band. There’s nev-er been another one like them, and the audacity with which they embraced their Southern roots was unheard of in when they first appeared. The group

arose from a prevailing attitude in popular music epitomized when Billie Holiday sang:

Southern trees bear a strange fruit/Blood on the leaves and blood at the root/Black bod-ies swingin’ in the Southern breeze/Strange fruit hangin’ from the poplar trees

When Lynyrd Skynyrd ar-rived, the South was still being depicted as a bizarre, bloody land peopled by a race of hate-ful, backwoods cotton farm-ers. Bob Dylan sang “Oxford Town,” where everybody had “their heads bowed down” in shame. Neil Young sang “Ala-bama” and “Southern Man.” None of these songs named names—they pointed their fin-

AS SOON AS IT WAS ANNOUNCED, EYES BEGAN rolling and the hipsters started laughing and cracking jokes about the fact that Lynyrd Skynyrd are again playing Chattanooga’s biggest music festival. “Here comes Ring-gold!” “Play some Skynyrd!” has been heard a time or two in the Pickle Barrel—that well-known derogatory shout being pointed at the old land o’ cotton’s inbred, chicken-fighting culture.

(By Way of Jack Kerouac)

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ger at the entire South. Neil Young’s cross-burning “Southern Man” was every man.

Then Lynyrd Skynyrd came along. These boys didn’t give a damn—they sang “Sweet Home Alabama” and told Neil Young he should remember that a “Southern man don’t need him around anyhow.” They sang “Mississippi Kid,” about having pistols in their pockets and not looking for trouble “but nobody dogs me around.” Lynyrd Sky-nyrd stepped up and confronted the cul-tural bully and made Southern folks proud

to be Southern again. They meant some-thing to a lot of people—and they gallantly warned Neil Young that “down in Alabama you can run but you sure can’t hide.”

And then, of course, there’s “Freebird”—the Southern anthem. I have a peculiar memory attached to that song.

When I was a boy I spent a lot of time running around north Georgia back roads. I rode with this man named Tim Blair. He was a rough, mean bastard that got back-woods respect everywhere he went. I was on a Kerouac kick back then and had read “On the Road” more than once. There were a few lines from the book in particular that got me close to home. “We got out of the car for air,” he wrote, “and suddenly both of us were stoned with joy to realize that in the darkness all around us was fragrant green grass and the smell of warm waters. ‘We’re in the South! We’ve left the winter!’ I took a deep breath; a locomotive howled across

the darkness. I took off my shirt and ex-ulted.”

My Kerouac obsession knew no bounds—I was too young to follow his trail all the way to New Orleans but I was following Tim Blair around to find the angel-headed hipsters that were surely beating around in my neck of the woods. But I didn’t find angels with Tim. I found yard birds picking through the dirt. He took me to indoor dog fights in bloody living rooms. I heard whis-pers of murders at the dog fights—of men

being chopped up and fed to the hogs. I didn’t see the fruit but I saw Billie Holiday’s strange trees. I could see how the crosses could catch fire.

Those were good times, though, and there were always plenty of good dumb jokes to go around—of which I, being that perpetually shirtless, curly-haired boy with some weird book in his pocket, was often the butt—and one time they pissed me off. I told Tim what he could go do to himself and took off walking down the road, imme-diately expecting my ass to be stomped. But Tim laughed instead and dragged me back. He slapped the back of my head, handed me a Budweiser and told me to “Come on, you’re with us.”

One night Tim and I were drunk, riding in his truck with the radio blaring. “Free-bird” had just come on. I’d heard the song a thousand times. There was something about that chorus, though—what seems

like a simple love song means something strangely personal when you’re riding drunk down a dark Georgia back road and the song says: “…and this bird you’ll never change.” Tim looked over at me smiling when that famous guitar solo started up. He waved at the dark Georgia landscape and said, “This song was for us.”

Every time I hear “Freebird,” I hear Tim in my head telling me that I’m with him and this song was for us. But my old bud-dy probably won’t be at Riverbend to hear

Freebird this year. I haven’t talked to him in a long time. The last time I saw him he didn’t recognize me—he was on the white man’s crack. He’s surely dead or in jail or somewhere between the two now.

The hipsters will be out, though. They always are. I doubt they will be going see Lynyrd Skynyrd—they will be on restaurant patios and downtown bar porches, nursing beers and playing Riverbend bingo. They’ll look up to laugh or disdainfully smirk at the passersby—those with leather boots and hair on their faces and chains attached to their billfolds. I’ll be there, too—though not with the hipsters.I gave up on hipsters when I realized Kerouac was a phoney. I’ll probably be staggering down some down-town street towards the Coca-Cola stage with booze in my back pocket and hollering “Freebird!” so those on the patios can put another beer cap on their Riverbend bingo boards.

“What seems like a simple love song means something strangely personal when you’re riding drunk down a dark Georgia back road and the song says, ‘. . . and this bird you’ll never change.’


The California-based musical mega-lomaniac Frank Maston amazingly plays every instrument on his prop-

er debut album Shadows, with the excep-tion of the harp, and even more a s t o u n d -ingly, it’s re-corded with the timbres and sound quality of certain au-thentic ’60s p r e d e c e s -sors, making the listener think incor-rectly on more than

one occasion that perhaps portions are sam-pled from decades-old records.

Maston’s Brian Wilson influence is most obvious, practically coming out and throt-tling the listener on the opening “Strange Rituals,” with piercing, metronomic organ chords that scream “Beach Boys.” It works

perfectly to set the scene, suggesting a fog of intrigue with a mysterious tremolo electric guitar melody, suggesting spaghetti western soundtracks, and also more playful, choice guitar strums that hint at Esquivel’s inven-tive space-age pop. With glockenspiel and trombone glides, among the many various flourishes, some might find the “everything but the kitchen sink” instrumentation to be ostentatious, but it works here. The next track in the salvo, “(You Were) in Love” shamelessly continues the Beach Boys love, but this time there’s a more sunny disposi-tion with a not-perfectly-tuned saloon piano pulse and Maston’s obscured vocals that ven-ture into the falsetto range. “Young Hearts” offers clearer vocals and a few twists on the now-familiar Brian Wilson obsession, with details poking their heads out of the ground in the form of brass responses and floating organ chords.

Although its highlights are impressive, at times, when the cores of the songs them-selves aren’t as strong, one might think that Shadows favors style much more than sub-stance. At a lean 27 minutes, the album is certainly vibrantly and expertly recorded, but a few things are holding it back; a little more vocal variety would be welcome, if Maston relinquishes just a little control to other singers perhaps, and Shadows seems like it would have been a perfect EP, if it cut some of the less vital songs.

The band name Little Women only makes sense if it refers to what the band eats for breakfast. This Brook-

lyn quartet’s previous releases, Teeth and Throat, for the most part were b a l l s - t o -t h e - w a l l , o v e r - t h e -top, insanely intense af-fairs, going beyond such h y p h e n -ated genre mixtures as thrash-jazz or noise-rock. The group is

fronted by two saxophonists who are rising stars on the downtown jazz scene and skilled and formidable players, Travis Laplante on tenor sax and Darius Jones on alto; electric guitarist Andrew Smiley and drummer Ja-son Nazary complete the fearless lineup. Going from the titles of the band’s releases, there’s an obvious biological theme, and the group has described its four members as each being one chamber of a heart, main-taining both a group identity as well as indi-

vidual personalities. One might be tempted to call it free jazz—and aficionados of more extreme free jazz may enjoy Little Women—but instead of having free-for-alls or choreo-graphed free-for-alls, the quartet uses group improvisations in order to put the pieces to-gether for solidified compositions.

The new album Lung, all 42 minutes of which are intended to be heard in one un-interrupted sitting, is a bit of a departure from the band’s trademark bone-shaking, dense onslaught. True to its name, the al-bum features ample time to breathe, with lots of space to let notes resonate. Beginning quietly from a blanket of silence, eventually a few soft percussion taps set the scene be-fore the saxes and guitar enter calmly. This leads to sustained-tone vocalizations before a shattering sax squawk acts as a milestone; woozy electric guitar strums and pitter-patters evoke uncertainty before another wave of silence. Lung is Little Women’s most complicated piece yet, not content with loud-soft-loud cartoony dynamics and unfurling with bleats, fluttering, thrashings, slashings and tender counterpoint at various stages. Conveying the “downfall of something beau-tiful,” in the band’s own words, Lung is a lab-yrinthine journey that confounds, soothes and stimulates, revealing a band that’s much more complex than previously imagined.

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Peace, Wub & UnderstandingBy Keeli Monroe

The Weird Bass Music Festival, happening June 7-9, is a brand-new music festival designed for fes-tival lovers by festival lov-ers…especially those of the basshead variety. (Wub. )

VanDub Productions, the company organizing the event, has up until this point specialized in events designed for a club setting. A mutual love of small music festivals and EDM (Electronic Dance Music) changed that. VanDub is taking their event organiz-ing expertise into the great outdoors on a private farm in Pelham, TN; let’s just hope all that bass doesn’t cause an earthquake.

Nicole Denton with Van-Dub Productions said the idea behind the festival was to provide an environment where the natural “utopia” that is found at smaller music festivals can develop and flourish. The goal of

Weird is for bassheads and EDM fans from all over the country to come together and create their own little ecosystem for the week-end, one in which you can walk around and see the same familiar faces, and no one gets lost in the “hustle.” VanDub wants Weird to be a place where people come to celebrate life and music. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that they’ll have warm show-ers and port-o-potties that are cleaned daily. Parking is free, and you can camp in your car. (Bass drop—Ooooommmmmm.)

As of now, festival or-ganizers are expecting around 1,500 people, but the festival will be capped off at 3,000, to make sure that “small festival” feeling is present. VanDub Pro-ductions has hired Capti-vating Light Designs out of Atlanta to make sure your eyes are as pleased as your ears are going to be. Both companies have gone to great lengths to make sure

each stage at the event will have its own unique feeling and personality (can you say 3D mapping?). Attend-ees should expect nothing less than full sensory im-mersion.

When asked how the lineup was constructed, Nicole said they simply picked the musicians peo-ple in the EDM commu-nity would want to hear. Headliners include Heli-copter Showdown, Diesel-boy, and Run DMT. AFK, Cryptex, Megalodon, and more than 50 others will also be there.

Tickets are $69 in ad-vance, or $80 at the gate.

Put on your best bass face, grab your glow sticks, and come drop bass (not bombs).

Weird Bass Music FestivalJune 7-9,516 Taylor Rd., Pelham, TNfacebook.com/weirdmusicfest

Sound Check

Weird Bass Music Festival shakes up Pelham


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Thursday, June 6: 9pmOpen Mic with Hap Henninger

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Server/Hotel Appreciation Night$5 Pitchers ● $2 Wells ● $1.50 Domestics

Thu 06.06

Scenic City Roots: elizabeth Cook, Sons of Fathers, jacob jones, black jake & the Carnies, The Old Time Travelers7 p.m. track 29, 1400 market st. (423) 266-4323, track29.coAn evening with Malcolm Goldstein7:30 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.orgThe Dark Side Party with Dj Lord Fader8 p.m. Backyard grille, 4021 hixson pike. (423) 486-1369, backyardgrillechattanooga.combig Daddy Love, Scenic City breakdown9 p.m. the honest pint, 35 patten pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.comFallacy9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. rhythm-brews.comOpen Mic with Hap Henniger9 p.m. the office, 901 carter st. (inside Days Inn. (423) 634-9191, facebook.com/theofficechattAye nako, Sal Atticum, Monstertruck10 p.m. sluggo’s, 501 cherokee Blvd. (423) 752-5224

Fri 06.07

Weird bass Music Festival9 a.m. 516 taylor Rd. pelham, tn. facebook.com/weirdmusicfestbend on the Run: 2nd South Carolina String band2 p.m. chattanooga public library, 1001 Broad st. (423) 757-5310, lib.chattanooga.govRiverbend: jake Owen, Florida Georgia Line, jimmy Tawater & The River City Showcase, Almost elton john, more5 - 12 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Ross’s landing

park, Riverfront pwy. riverbendfestival.comDismembered Tennesseeans7 p.m. nightfall music series, River city stage at miller plaza, 850 market st. nightfallchattanooga.comLon eldridge7 p.m. the camp house, 1427 Williams st. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.comPaul Smith & the Sky High band7:30 p.m. Backyard grille, 4021 hixson pike. (423) 486-1369, backyardgrillechattanooga.comelizabeth Cook8 p.m. nightfall music series, River city stage at miller plaza, 850 market st. nightfallchattanooga.comjack kirton of endelouz9 p.m. the office, 901 carter st. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook.com/theofficechattMountain Opry8 p.m. Walden’s Ridge civic center, 2501 Fairmont pike, signal mountain.

(423) 886-3252Roostertruck, Subkonscious8 p.m. Ziggy’s underground music, 607 cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711Southlander9 p.m. skyZoo, 5709 lee hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.combill Fox, big kitty, Dark Rides, blue River Hex, bohannons, Dead Languages10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.comunspoken Triumph, Aether Realm, Wilderun, naming nations10 p.m. sluggo’s, 501 cherokee Blvd. (423) 752-5224Slippery When Wet: Tribute to bon jovi10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. rhythm-brews.com

sat 06.08

Weird bass Music Festival9 a.m. 516 taylor Road,

pelham, tn. facebook.com/weirdmusicfestThe Old Time Travelers11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Rock city, 1400 patten Rd., lookout mtn, ga. seerockcity.comjennifer Daniels12:30 - 3 p.m. chattanooga River market, tennessee aquarium plaza, 1 Broad st. chattanoogarivermarket.comRiverbend: Cee-Lo Green, The Sundogs, The barr brothers, Revival, Chattanooga All-Star band, more5:30 - 12 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Ross’s landing park, Riverfront pkwy. riverbendfestival.comChildren 18:3, Truly Truly, Fancy Me a Madman, Cathlena, Wilmington7 p.m. Warehouse cleveland, 260 2nd street ne. warehousevenue.comupTown big band7 p.m. - 9 p.m. mountain arts community center, 809 Kentucky ave., signal mtn. (423) 866-1959Malcolm Goldstein Directs the new Dischord Players

Chattanooga Live MusIC CAleNDAR

BRING ON The NeW DIsChORD• as part of the 3rd annual new dischord Festival, the acclaimed violinist Malcolm Goldstein will make his first chattanooga appearance in more than a decade! a major figure in 20th-century music—as a composer, instrumentalist and interpreter of the major composers—Goldstein’s appearances in the southeast are exceedingly rare. Goldstein’s solo violin performances are exquisite and transformative, and his work with other artists—musicians, dancers, and visual artists—is invariably fascinating. $20 ($10 students). thursday, June 6, 7:30 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org


7:30 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.orgMarshall Law band8 p.m. the Backyard grille, 4021 hixson pike. (423) 486-1369, backyardgrillechattanooga.comMaycomb Cryers9 p.m. skyZoo, 5709 lee hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.comWith Faith or Flames, Voyage of Slaves, every Word a Prophecy10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.comAmber Fults10 p.m. the office, 901 carter st. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook.com/theofficechattOne: Tribute to u210 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. rhythm-brews.com

sun 06.09

Weird bass Music Festival9 a.m. 516 taylor Rd. pelham, tn. facebook.com/weirdmusicfestjennifer Daniels12:30 - 1:30 p.m. chattanooga market, First tennessee pavilion, 1829 carter st. chattanoogamarket.comOpen Improvisational jam2 - 4 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.orgWendell Matthews4 p.m. north chatt cat, 346 Frazier ave. (423) 266-9466Open jam with jeff Daniels4 p.m. Backyard grille, 4021 hixson pike. (423) 486-1369, backyardgrillechattanooga.comChattanooga Traditional Irish Music Session5 p.m. moccasin Bend Brewing company, 4015 tennessee ave. (423) 821-6392

Riverbend: brandy, 10,000 Maniacs, Scotty bratcher, Tim Wilson, Mountain Heart, Deacon bluz, more5:30 - 11 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Ross’s landing park, Riverfront pkwy. riverbendfestival.comCreated to kill, Cranial Impalement6 p.m. Ziggy’s underground music, 607 cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711“In the Round” with Chris Porter8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.comPeewee Moore and the Awful Dreadful Snakes10 p.m. Raw, 409 market st. (423) 756-1919

Mon 06.10

bessie Smith Strut: Dedra Smith & Ruff Pro, james “nick” nixon, The Pimps of joytime, eric Sardinas, Scotty

bratcher, Deacon bluz5:15 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. Bessie smith cultural center, 200 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-8658, bessiesmithcc.orgbessie Smith After-Strut Party: jonathan Poe, Canadian Coldfront and Sly Tiger10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com

Tue 06.11

Riverbend: newsboys, Voices of Lee, Red Letter Disciple, Andrew Alford, more5 - 11 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Ross’s landing park, Riverfront pkwy. riverbendfestival.comFloatstone8 p.m. the camp house, 1427 Williams st. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com

Wed 06.13

Riverbend: Dierks bentley, The Psychedelic Furs, Civil Twilight, Roger Alan Wade & Sparkle Motion, Harper & Midwest kind, more5 - 11 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Ross’s landing park, Riverfront pkwy. riverbendfestival.comendless Cycle, The Resolute, Subkonscious8 p.m. the honest pint, 35 patten pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.comDank Sinatra, new Madrid10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. rhythm-brews.com

Chattanooga Live MusIC CAleNDAR

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected].

ChIlDReN 18:3 ROCk INTO CleVelAND• cutting your face like glass shrapnel, you'll hear classic song structure, guitar crunch, and fast driving beats with Minnesota-based children 18:3. Just the right blend of melody and muscle, exchanged between the male and female voices onstage, to make this bit more universal than simple two-dimensional aggression. you'll hear songs, not just riffs with outfits. rock songs you can grab hold of, yet completely raw in presentation. and finally, the words are defiant, poetic, and communal. an experience you'll long remember.

$10, saturday, June 8, 7 p.m. Warehouse cleveland, 260 2nd street ne. warehousevenue.com


The first thing you’ll notice when you walk through the doors of Elemental is the wide-open kitchen in full view. The second thing you’ll notice is the large farm tractor in the middle of the dining room. Glancing over at the chalkboard in the entryway, the third thing you’ll notice is this is a restaurant that takes beer very seriously.

For years, beer was something people drank in bars, at ball games, cookouts, or alongside a simple meal. Traditionally, Amer-ican beer drinkers didn’t have many choices, as several large

breweries dominated the market (and still do) and kept selections simple. But like the sea change in coffee consumption that began two decades ago, beer is undergo-ing a radical identity change, led by a new generation of consumers and chefs.

Charlie Loomis, chef and owner of Elemental, represents that new generation. “I grew up on Folgers instant and I didn’t really care for it much,” he recalls. “Then I re-member the first time I had a great cup of coffee. It was the same with beer. I tasted my dad’s Budweiser, but when I was able to find depth

in a beer, flavor profiles, pairings and stuff like that, it all changed.”

His restaurant carries only craft beers, the majority brewed in the Southeast. “We shaped our whole business model around the relationship we can have with vendors, whether it be a brewer or a farmer,” Loomis explains. “Each of the breweries that we currently carry, they’d be happy to come down and do a beer demo with us. And that’s something we like.”

But it goes further than that. Not that long ago, you’d never see beer in a high-quality restaurant. That is changing and changing rapidly, because chefs and restau-rant owners like Loomis are in-creasingly likely to pair fine food with craft beers instead of wine. “We see quite a bit of that now. I think it’s just kind of evolved into it as the beer business has changed,” he says. “I think we are going to change the game. Just look at the way food is going. Peo-ple want to know where it comes from, where it’s been.”

“You’ve always known where wine comes from,” Elemental manager Ray Jones points out. “You get the big spiel when you go out to dinner: where it comes from, which vineyard, this that and the other. Now it’s the same with beer.”

“It’s almost easier to pair beer with food than it is wine,” says Loomis. “For example, IPA goes great with pork barbecue. The richness from the pork and the sweetness from the barbecue sauce gets paired really nicely with the bitterness of a hoppy beer.”

But one of the big changes Loo-mis has noted is how much more involved people are with the food they eat and the beer they drink. “I think people are just asking a lot more questions,” Loomis says. “I’ve been in the restaurant busi-ness for a long time, and when I first started coming up people were like, ‘This is lamb? Great. Oh, and green beans and scal-loped potatoes? Fantastic.’ That was it. Now, our customers ask me where everything comes from. If I don’t have the answer for them, they are not excited about it. The clientele we’ve started develop-ing—they want to know about ev-erything.”

Elemental Food & Drink313 Manufacturers Rd, (423) 648-9160, elementalrestaurant.comMon-Thu: 11 a.m. – 10 p.m.Fri-Sat: 11 a.m. – 11 p.m.Sunday: 10 a.m. – 3 p.m.

Featured Dining by Gary Poole

We shaped our whole business model around the relationship we can have with vendors, whether it be a brewer or a farmer.

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Getting “Elemental” with craft beer and fine food

June 17 • 6.30-8.30 p.m.4 Courses • 4 Pairings

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Craft Beer Week

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May 25-27 Musical Moose/OgyaJune 22 OgyaJune 29 Caterina SellarsJuly 4-6 Ogya/Rick Rushing & Blues StrangersJuly 13 Musical MooseJuly 20 Dana RogersJuly 27 OgyaAugust 3 OgyaAugust 10 Rick Rushing/ Caterina SellarsAugust 17 OgyaAugust 24 John Ralston/Kathy Veazey/Dana RogersAugust 31 Ogya/Lumbar 5Sept 1-2 Ogya/Lumbar 5

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After working as a web devel-oper in Chattanooga for 13 years, Ryan led the front-end develop-ment team for the Obama web site, creating the web software that ran on browsers, as opposed to the server software. As Gig Tank technologist in residence, he advises all the companies participating this summer—as well as CO.LAB, which runs the Gig Tank—on in-frastructure, scaling and user interface.

“It’s better that we break it and figure out where the failure points are, and cor-rect them before you launch, than to launch it and have your service go down and you lose all your customer base because the one day you have buzz you can’t

handle it,” he says.While a business incubator

wants to help companies come into being, he says, “An accelera-tor wants to get you born or to get you to die quick. Can we get you through this process of launch-

ing a business in 90 days, so if it doesn’t work you haven’t com-mitted two years of your life and a million dollars? A lot of that is failing fast.”

On the Obama site, “big data” ruled the roost. Decisions about

web design issues, such as how to ask for donations, had immedi-ate, tangible consequences: in-creasing or decreasing receipts. Those decisions were based on data from extensive testing—which pulls more donations: A

color or black-and-white photo of the President? A photo of the President or the First Lady? (Answers: color, and the First Lady)—and on crunching mas-sive amounts of data, rather than extrapolating based on a small sample.

It turns out that testing a theo-ry against data is a lot like failing often. Ryan says his team came to the campaign with a lot of ideas about effective web design. The campaign web site had so many visitors and transactions

that for the first time in most of their careers, they had enough data to determine if their ideas were correct.

“We were right about half the time,” he says. “That was a big learning thing, too, coming to grips with the fact that your gut is tossing a coin. There were times I would have bet every-thing I own in a test that one side was going to lose and it won. After about the third time it hap-pened, I just stopped trying to figure out what they would do.”

One result was that there were very few judgment calls, a rarity in web design. “It’s actually kind of nice,” says Ryan. “The pres-sure is not on you any more. The pressure is on coming up with good tests to run.”

Now he’s bringing the lessons of big data to Gig Tank com-panies. For example, some are building services to analyze data for other businesses. He posed an unexpected question to them:

By Rich Bailey

Dan Ryan likes to break things.“My mantra here is, ‘I’ll help you fix everything that’s broken and break everything that’s fixed,’” says Ryan.

Last year he used that knack for creative destruction to help make the Obama For America website a campaign fundrais-ing powerhouse, and this summer he’s using helping the com-panies in the Gig Tank start-up accelerator program.

Dan Ryan returns to his first Gig

TechRICh

BAIley

»P21

Fix What’s BrokenBreak What’s Fixed


Are they using big data on them-selves, to test their own assump-tions?

“That was a fun conversation,” says Ryan. “I watched their gears spinning. They need to know if they’re getting wins for people.”

This kind of testing means questioning a company’s most fundamental assumptions about itself and its product, which is where some of Silicon Valley’s biggest successes have come from. Twitter began as an inter-nal communications tool for a company whose original product

failed. Flickr was initially a mi-nor feature that turned out to be better than the original product. Both only became huge successes because a company was willing to question its assumptions and re-think itself.

Following the widely recog-nized success of the Obama site, Ryan has traveled around the country consulting and speak-ing. He says a lot of his campaign colleagues, “When I kept talking about coming back to Chattanoo-ga after the campaign were kind of stunned. Like why would you

do that? Why not go to San Fran-cisco, make a bunch of money?”

But after years helping to devel-op a technology culture in Chat-tanooga, he saw things changing rapidly in the 15 months he was in Chicago working on the cam-paign.

“I was jealous of not being here and seeing some of this stuff hap-pen,” he says.

In the same way the interstate highway system didn’t change transportation patterns right away, he thinks the effects of gigabit Internet and the Gig Tank

start-up accelerator will not show up immediately.

“The things that we build on the Gig that are really important are probably not going to be really sexy,” he says, like using less coal power because the Gig makes EPB’s electrical grid smarter and more efficient.

“It will be a while before you see big flashy things that come out of high-speed Internet, but the in-frastructure changes will affect people on a massive scale,” says Ryan. “It’s the electrification of the valley all over again.”

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honest music local and regional shows

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Big Daddy Love with Scenic City Breakdown [$5] Endless Cycle with Subkoncious [$3]The Royal Hounds with My Name is Drew [$5]Tillford Sellers with the Wagon Burners with Hot Damn [$5]

Sundays: Live Trivia 4-6pm followed by Live MusicJune 16: Sons of Hippies with Isle of Rhodes [$5]

June 23: WB Givens [Free]

It’s the fact that they are in a theatre at all that’s out of the or-dinary for Harris and TNS. The company has become known for productions in “found spaces,” and, Harris says, its followers have come to expect that.

But Neal Bell’s “Monster,” which premiered off-Broadway in 2002, has technical demands that require an actual theatre, he says. “In particular, we needed lighting, because Bell’s adapta-tion is faithful to the original Mary Shelley story—except,” he says, “that the playwright has im-posed an ending on it.”

Of course, ever since Shelley’s novella was published in 1818, its most intriguing idea has been: Who is really the monster? Is it the being created from human ca-davers? Is it the scientist attempt-ing to play God? Is it the onlook-ers, so terrified of anything they can’t explain that their only im-pulse is to destroy it? Or is it, asks Harris, the readers, and in this

case, audience members?“Monster,” as Harris describes

it, is a memory play, Victor Frankenstein’s memory of these people and events. Set in the period in which it was written, the production will nonetheless meld “period” costumes with the imagination of designer Angela

Sweet and classical music with that composed for the production by Tim Hinck.

“For this show, we have light-ing, set, costumes, sound and music designers,” says Harris. “We asked all these collabora-tors to challenge themselves,” in working within the experimental

The Tale That Never Dies

mission of TNS.“And what better way to end

our season two,” says Harris, “than with a play that is about an experiment?”

The connection makes even more sense if you consider that

IT ’S A LMOST 9 P.M. ON A THURSDAY NIGHT, and director Blake Harris is giving notes to the cast of “Mon-ster,” Theater for the New South’s production that opens June 7. A large unpainted platform occupies most of the middle of the UTC Studio Theatre staging area. Some cast members have on bits of costume pieces, others are in casual rehearsal wear.

Theater for the New South takes on “Monster”By Janis hashe

ARTS

“I’ve been exploring isolation with the characters of Victor and Elizabeth. What happens when the natural is made unnatural?

— Blake Harris

»P23


THURSDAY, JULY 11 • 7:30PMMEMORIAL AUDITORIUMTICKETS START AT $25www.chattanoogasymphony.org423.267.8583

with the Chattanooga Symphony & OperaIncludes music from Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, Warcraft, Halo, Skyrim, Castlevania, Pokemon, Kingdom Hearts, Metal Gear Solid, Super Smash Bros., Street Fighter II, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, AND MANY MORE including the Tetris Opera and a Classic Arcade Medley featuring over 25 Classic Arcade games! Make sure to come early to take part in our Costume Contest, Prize Give-a-ways and the very popular Guitar Hero Competition (winner to appear on stage and perform with the Chattanooga Symphony!)

the “monster” is constructed and brought to life in Victor Frankenstein’s version of an “operating theater.” “We are treating this theatre just like a found space,” says Harris.

He’s also fascinated with the story’s theme of isolation. “In Shelley’s own time, if you lived in a rural area, you were very isolated from other people. I’ve been exploring isola-tion with the characters of Victor and Eliza-beth,” he says. “What happens when the nat-ural is made unnatural?”

In approaching the play with his actors, Harris allowed an acting style to evolve. “There are projects I go into already hav-ing the style I am seeking,” he says, “but that didn’t seem to fit this show. This became an organic process, and we discovered a kind of disconnect that has created its own style.”

Ultimately, audience members seeing “Monster” will deal with the most basic of all questions. “This story is primal; it asks, ‘What is it to be human?’” Harris says. And in Bell’s version, “it’s the undercurrents of the story that will catch people off guard.” In a world where human cloning is, in fact, pos-sible, and where artificial intelligence grows ever closer to sentience, its questions go far beyond even Mary Shelley’s nightmare in-spiration.

“Monster” Theater for the New South, 7:30 p.m. June 7- 8, 13-16, Jim G. Lewis Studio Theatre, UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 503-0589, facebook.com/theaterforthenewsouth

Thu, June 6 • 7:15 PMvs. Mississippi Braves

Beer Tasting Night

Wed, June 19 • 7:15 PMvs. Tennessee Smokies

Thu, June 20 • 7:15 PMvs. Tennessee Smokies

Health & Wellness Night

Fri, June 21 • 7:15 PMvs. Tennessee Smokies

Fireworks!Sat, June 22 • 7:15 PMvs. Tennessee Smokies

Baseball Card Giveaway

Home Games

«P22


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Old Time Travelers!

Thu 06.06

Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”10 a.m.- 8 p.m. hunter museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org“Michael Murphy: Damage”11 a.m. – 5 p.m. aVa gallery, 30 Frazier ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.orgRock City Raptors11 a.m.-3 p.m. Rock city, 1400 patten Rd. lookout mtn, ga. seerockcity.comnew Dischord Festival featuring Michael kallstrom and Ashley Hamilton5 p.m. tanner hill gallery, 3069 s. Broad st.(423) 280-7182, tannerhillgallery.com“Art + Issues: Collecting and building a Community Story From Scraps of Life”6 p.m. hunter museum of american art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org“Mystery of the Redneck Italian Wedding”7 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st.(423) 517-1839, funnydinner.comnew Dischord Festival: An evening With Malcolm Goldstein7:30-10:30 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.orgScenic City Roots Afterparty10 p.m. Folk school of chattanooga, 1800 Rossville ave. (423) 827-8906, chattanoogafolk.com

Fri 06.07

bike2Work breakfast7-8:30 a.m. Waterhouse pavilion, miller plaza, 850 market st.Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”10 a.m.- 5 p.m. hunter museum of american art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. huntermuseum.orgRock City Raptors11 a.m.-3 p.m. Rock city, 1400 patten Rd., lookout mtn, ga. seerockcity.com“Michael Murphy: Damage”11 a.m. – 5 p.m. aVa gallery, 30 Frazier ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.orgFresh On Fridays11 a.m.-2 p.m. center park, 728 market st. (423) 265-3700, facebook.com/centerparkchattanoogabend on the Run: 2nd South Carolina String band2 p.m. chattanooga public library, 1001 Broad st.

(423) 757-5310, lib.chattanooga.govnew Dischord Festival featuring jerome Meadows, Alyse knorr and Aubrey Lenahan5 p.m. tanner hill gallery, 3069 s. Broad st. (423) 280-7182, tannerhillgallery.comDreamnight5:30-8:30 p.m. chattanooga Zoo, 301 n. holtzclaw ave.(423) 697-1322, chattzoo.org“Starry night”7-10 p.m. artsy-u, 5084 s. terrace. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com“Mystery at the nightmare Office Party”7 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com“Monster”7:30 p.m. theater for the new south, Jim g. lewis studio theatre, utc Fine arts center, Vine & palmetto sts. (423) 503-0589, facebook.com/theatreforthenewsouth“jekyll & Hyde”7:30 p.m. ensemble theatre of chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141. new Dischord Festival featuring Paul Pinto and jeffrey Young

7:30 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.orgRenard Hirsch8 p.m. the comedy catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.comballroom Dance Party8:30 p.m.-10:30 p.m. Ballroom magic Dance center, 4200 access Rd. (423) 771-3646.Su: Chas elstner9:30 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

sat 06.08

Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”10 a.m.- 5 p.m. hunter museum of american art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. huntermuseum.org“Michael Murphy: Damage”11 a.m. – 5 p.m. aVa gallery, 30 Frazier ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.orgRock City Raptors11 a.m.-4:30 p.m. Rock city, 1400 patten Rd. lookout mtn, ga. seerockcity.com“Open Gallery”11 a.m.-4 p.m. shuptrine’s gold leaf Designs, 2646 Broad st.(423) 266-4453, shuptrines.com2nd South Carolina String band2 p.m. point park, lookout mountain. (423) 821-7786Riverbend unplugged featuring the barr brothers2 p.m. hunter museum of american art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org

Arts Entertainment& eVeNTs CAleNDAR

DReAM A DReAM WITh WIlD ANIMAls• The chattanooga Zoo partners with the city of chattanooga's department of Therapeutic recreation to host a special event for children with special needs and their families

Free, but reservations required. Friday, June 7, 5:30-8:30 p.m. chattanooga Zoo, 301 n. holtzclaw ave. (423) 697-1322, chattzoo.org


RubyFallsZip.com423.821.2544

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8th Annual 2013 nPC battle at the River6:30 p.m. tivoli theatre, 709 Broad st. (423) 642-tIXs, chattanoogaonstage.comnew Dischord Festival featuring julian Tan & Co., Meg Ronan, Tim Hinck, more5 p.m. chattanooga public library, 1001 Broad st. (423) 757-5310, lib.chattanooga.gov“Mystery of Flight 138”5:30 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com“Monster”7:30 p.m. theater for the new south, Jim g. lewis studio theatre, utc Fine arts center, Vine & palmetto sts. (423) 503-0589, facebook.com/theatreforthenewsouth“jekyll & Hyde”7:30 p.m. ensemble theatre of chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141, new Dischord Festival: Malcolm Gladwell Directs the new Dischord Players7:30 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave., (423) 624-5347. barkinglegs.orgRenard Hirsch8 p.m. the comedy catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com“Mystery of the Facebook Fugitive”8 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.comSu: Chas elstner10:30 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

sun 06.09

Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st.

(423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com“Michael Murphy: Damage”11 a.m. – 5 p.m. aVa gallery, 30 Frazier ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.orgjack’s Chattanoggins11 a.m.-4 p.m. chattanooga market, 1829 carter st. chattanoogamarket.comRock City Raptors11 a.m.-3 p.m. Rock city, 1400 patten Road, lookout mtn, ga. seerockcity.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”noon- 5 p.m. hunter museum of american art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. huntermuseum.org“jekyll & Hyde”2:30 p.m. ensemble theatre of chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141, new Dischord Festival featuring nathan king5 p.m. easy lemon, 1440 adams st. easylemon.wordpress.comnew Dischord Festival: Cilla Vee Life Arts present “FLuX”, with Tim Hinck and Aaron Cowan7:30 p.m. Folk school of chattanooga, 1800 Rossville

ave. (423) 827-8906, chattanoogafolk.comFaun Fables with joshua Songs8 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org

Mon 06.10

Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”10 a.m.- 5 p.m. hunter museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.orgMagic Tree House Traveling exhibit10 a.m.-5 p.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org

Tue 06.11

Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”10 a.m.- 5 p.m. hunter museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.comMagic Tree House Traveling exhibit10 a.m.-5 p.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org

Wed 06.13

Ice Cream Festival8 a.m.-8 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s. scenic hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River”10 a.m.- 5 p.m. hunter museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org“Inside & Out”10 a.m.-5 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.comMagic Tree House Traveling exhibit10 a.m.-5 p.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.orgjewish Film Series: “Hava nagila: (The Movie)”7 p.m. Jewish cultural center, 5461 north terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270, jewishchattanooga.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected].

Arts Entertainment& eVeNTs CAleNDAR

FAuNs, FABles, AND VAlkyRIes?• after fifteen years of collaboration, twelve years of touring and six full-length albums, oakland's Faun FableS (dawn Mccarthy and nils Frykdahl of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum) are known for exquisite, visceral adventures in song and theater and riveting live erformances to eclectic and devoted audiences throughout the world.

$8 sunday June 9, 8 p.m. Barking legs theater, 1307 Dodds ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org


By John DeVore

This summer marks the end of one of the most unnecessary film trilogies since “Airplane!” “The Hangover: Part III” is at least an improvement over the previ-ous film, in that here the script wasn’t copied and pasted from the original with

the words Las Vegas replaced by Bangkok. But Part III doesn’t have the tone of either of the previous movies. This third install-ment still adds nothing of value to the original story and is actually the tamest of the three, which might be a disappoint-ment for teenage fans looking for some quick debauchery. It revisits locations and characters, does nothing to establish any-thing new in their backgrounds, and then

ends in a sentimental scene that doesn’t fit with spirit of the franchise. There are a few chuckle-worthy moments, but they are largely throwaway lines that have nothing to do with the overall plot of the film.

The problem with this film in particular is the over-reliance on one-note charac-ters. This was true in the Part II as well, but the plot of Part III hinges entirely on Alan and Chow. Obviously, Zach Galifi-anakis’s portrayal of the deranged man-child Alan is the key to what made the first film great. Audiences loved him and the film rocketed Galifianakis to stardom. As a result, the filmmakers took an ingredient that should be used sparingly and made it the main course. Galifianakis is like ba-con—it’s a wonderful food but it doesn’t belong in my Sonic milkshake, no matter how much you want it to. The same can be said about Ken Jeong’s Leslie Chow. The tiny, psychotic Asian gangster is as grat-ing here as he is on NBC’s “Community.”

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“Galifianakis is like bacon—it’s a wonderful food but it doesn’t belong in my Sonic milkshake, no matter how much you want it to.


(Let’s be honest: Chang and Chow are es-sentially the same person. It’s just that Chang doesn’t have the weird accent.) Both Alan and Chow should be foils for the other characters to bounce off of, not the other way around. In this installment, Phil and

Stew are completely forgettable and inter-changeable, shades of what they were at the outset of the franchise. Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper are both very good comic actors, and it’s a shame that the filmmakers didn’t give them anything to do.

As I mentioned, the plot itself is very different from the original film. There isn’t a hangover, no wild parties, no piec-ing together of the previous night from random clues found lin-ing pockets. It’s a straightforward kidnapping/crime drama. The com-edy has definitely taken a backseat in this one. To their credit, the filmmakers lis-tened to criticism of the last film and set out to make

something more original. Unfortunately, they rehashed the plot of at least a dozen other films, shoehorned their characters into it, and congratulated themselves on a job well done. These sequels were clearly made solely for the purpose of cashing in

on the success of the first. Fans loved Alan and Chow, so the second film boosted their parts and reshot the original in Bangkok. The fans liked it, but complained that it was too much like the first one. So, the filmmakers changed the plot and focused the entire film on the most popular char-acters. It’s filmmaking by popular vote. The result is a dilution of a good movie into something that only slightly resembles the original experience. If they really wanted to create something memorable, why not use the final installment to bring the audi-ence into the party and let them witness the insanity first hand?

That said, the guffaws coming from be-hind me while I watched the film indicate that “The Hangover: Part III” will be as successful as the first two. Of course, these were the same people that laughed uproari-ously at the trailer for “The Internship.” There’s no accounting for taste. Humor is subjective—and some people laugh easily. I suppose that if you pay good money for a comedy, you might as well try to laugh as much as you can, whether it’s funny or not. I just prefer genuine laughs rather than those that are forced or congenial. Genu-ine laughs are much harder to find.

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Free Will AstrologyGEMINI (May 21-June 20): How free do you want to be, Gemini? A tiny bit free, hemmed in by comfortable complications that require you to rely on white lies? Or would you rather be moderately free in ways that aren’t too demanding—politely, sensibly free? Maybe you feel brave and strong enough to flirt with a breathtak-ing version of liberation—a pure, naked freedom that brings you close to the edge of wild abandon and asks you to exercise more responsibility than you’re used to. I’m not telling you which kind you should opt for, but I am suggesting that it’s best if you do make a conscious choice.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): In August 1961, the Communist government of East Germany built the Berlin Wall. It was a thick concrete barrier designed to prevent the oppressed citizens of East Berlin from escaping to freedom in West Berlin. The barrier was eventually policed by armed guards. Traffic between the two Berlins became virtually impossible for the next 28 years. Then a miracle occurred: East German authorities relinquished their stranglehold. They tentatively allowed East Berliners to travel to West Berlin. Soon the Mauerspechte, or “wall wood-peckers,” showed up. Armed with ham-mers and chisels, these people began chipping away at the Wall. Two years later, most of it had been demolished. I hereby assign you to be a wall woodpecker in your own sphere, Cancer. The time is right to demolish a barricade. It may take a while, but you’re ready to start.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The following slo-gan captures the spirit I bring to compos-ing my horoscopes: “I live in the future so that you don’t have to.” But right now this slogan doesn’t apply to you. From what I can tell, you are currently visiting the fu-ture as much as I do. Here’s what I wonder, though: Are you time-traveling simply to run away from the dilemmas that face you in the present? Or are you taking advan-tage of your jaunts to acquire revelations

that will help you solve those dilemmas once you return?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know that there are different kinds of stress, right? Some varieties wear you out and demoralize you, while other kinds of stress excite and motivate you. Some lead you away from your long-term goals, and oth-ers propel you closer. The coming weeks would be an excellent time for you to fine-tune your ability to distinguish between them. I suspect that the more you cultivate and seek out the good kind, the less sus-ceptible you’ll be to the bad kind.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Studies show that people spend 87 percent of their time inside buildings and six percent in enclosed vehicles. In other words, they are roaming around outside enjoying the wind and sky and weather for only seven percent of their lives. I think you’re going to have to do better than that in the com-ing week, Libra. To ensure your mental hygiene stays robust, you should try to expose yourself to the natural elements at least nine percent of the time. If you man-age to hike that rate up to ten percent or higher, you stand a good chance of achiev-ing a spiritual epiphany that will fuel you for months.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Resur-rection is the Scorpionic specialty. Better than any other sign of the zodiac, you can summon the power to be reborn. It is your birthright to reanimate dreams and feel-ings and experiences that have expired, and make them live again in new forms. Your sacred totem is the mythical phoe-nix, which burns itself in a fire of its own creation and then regenerates itself from the ashes. Now here’s the big news head-line, Scorpio: I have rarely seen you in possession of more skill to perform these rites than you have right now

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Octavio Paz spoke to a lover in his poem “Counterparts”: “In my body you search the mountain for the sun buried in its forest. In your body I search for the boat adrift in the middle of the night.” What have you searched for in the bodies of your lovers, Sagittarius? What mysteries and riddles have you explored while im-mersed in their depths? How has making love helped you to better understand the meaning of life? I invite you to ruminate on these uncanny joys. Remember the breakthroughs that have come your way thanks to sex. Exult in the spiritual educa-tion you have received through your deal-ings with lust and sensuality. And then go out and stir up some fresh epiphanies.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Do you know what minced oaths are? They’re rarely used anymore. If you went back a hundred years, though, you’d hear them regularly. They were sanitized swear words, basically; peculiar exclamations that would allow people the emotional release of profanities without causing a ruckus among those who were listening. “Bejabbers!” was one. So were “thun-deration! and “dad-blast!” and “consarn!” Here’s one of my favorite minced oaths: “By St. Boogar and the saints at the backside door of purgatory!” I bring this up, Capricorn, because I suspect it’ll be a minced oath kind of week for you. What I

mean is: You’ll have every right to get riled up, and you should express your feelings, but not in ways that create problems for you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): There’s only one correct way to spell the English word “beauty.” But that wasn’t true centuries ago. Before the advent of the printing press, orthographic anarchy prevailed for many words. Some of beau-ty’s variations included bewte, beaute, beaultye, beuaute, bealte, buute, bewtee, and beaultye. I bring this up, Aquarius, be-cause I think it would be fun and healthy for you to take a respite from having to slav-ishly obey standardized rules. I’m talking about not just those that apply to spelling, but others, too. See what you can get away with.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In the last chapter of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s novel The Brothers Karamazov, the lead character says the following: “There is nothing no-bler, stronger, healthier, and more helpful in life than a good remembrance, particu-larly a remembrance from childhood. A beautiful, holy memory preserved from childhood can be the single most impor-tant thing in our development.” I bring this up, Pisces, so as to get you in the right frame of mind for this week’s featured ac-tivity: remembrance. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to reminisce about the old days and the old ways. To do so will enhance your physical health and purify your emotional hygiene.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The longest natural arch in the world is the Fairy Bridge in Guangxi Province, China. Made of lime-stone, this 400-foot-wide span crosses over the Buliu River. No one outside of China knew about it until 2009, when an American explorer spied it on Google Earth. Let’s make the Fairy Bridge your metaphor of the month, Aries. Judging by the astrological omens, I suspect there’s a good chance you will soon find something like a natural, previously hidden bridge. In other words, be alert for a link between things you didn’t know were connected.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I hope that in recent weeks you’ve made yourself a master of sticky and intricate details. I trust you’ve been working harder and smarter than you have in a long time. Have you, Taurus? Have you been grunting and sweating a lot, exerting yourself in behalf of good causes? Please tell me you have. And please say you’re willing to continue for a while longer. The way I see it, your demanding tasks aren’t quite finished. In fact, the full reward for your efforts may not become available unless you keep pushing beyond the point that you con-sider to be your fair share.

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ACROSS1. Oldest member of Hanson6. Just barely make it11. Inst.14. Movie with Geoffrey Rush as David Helfgott15. Brand name yodeled in ads16. It’s pitched while courting17. Plays April Fools on, in Krakow?19. Rowing machine unit20. Smithers, e.g.21. How a hard worker works23. Nest eggs of sorts25. ___-stealer26. Talks like this he does29. Overthrow attempts33. Ruler, once34. Pie ___ mode35. Flog but good37. “Jeopardy!” uberwinner Jennings38. “Mary, Queen of Scots” biographer Fraser39. Hooters mascot42. “So it would seem!”

44. Tub temperature tester45. Makers of the Giant Rubber Band and Dehydrated Boulders47. “Have I got ___ for you!”48. ID’s used in identity theft49. “The Bell Jar” poet51. “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” spinoff53. Cats that look like big puffballs57. Spin around61. Snack62. Singles bar thought, in Prague?64. Alternative to a .wav file65. Harold’s friend, in a 2004 movie66. She was “The Little Mermaid”67. Character in a TV episode called “Space Madness”68. Laziest of the deadly sins

69. Best Picture nominee of 1975

DOwN1. Cosby show redone as a 2002 Eddie Murphy movie2. Comic strip with an all-bird cast3. Suffers discomfort4. Hemoglobin-deprived condition5. Labor leader Chavez6. Hoodwink, politically incorrectly7. “Goodbye ___” (Dixie Chicks song)8. Cuisine with peanut sauce9. Knock on the head10. Ox collars11. Best parts of the tennis racket, in Uppsala?12. Brand of cerveza13. One who won’t share, as with blankets18. Snake mentioned in “Baby Got Back”22. Show opener24. Worked in a mailroom

26. Bovine of burden27. Bullfighting shout28. Big crooner in Copenhagen?30. Rte. running from Key West, FL to Port Kent, ME31. Nikon competitor32. They guzzle a bunch35. Yes, in Yokohama36. Silo stuff40. Got the medal41. Electric guitarist Paul43. Duck docs, perhaps45. Show up, as in a vision46. Split in two48. “Modern Humorist” genre50. Backwoods types52. Like points at zero amplitude, on waves54. Blue, in Bolivia55. Fish in a Pixar pic56. Rather gross fetish58. Not “fer,” to hillbillies59. Some govt. agents60. Sorta fishy, sorta snaky63. Abbr. for a king or queen

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BESTBURGERSIN TOWN!

“Time heals all wounds,” they say. In my experience, the only thing that has ever consistently “healed all wounds” is a stiff shot of bourbon, but perhaps that was just the broken part of me speak-ing. I assumed it was broken, anyway. At least some part of me still talked though, and who was I to cast off its judgment?

I lay on my bed, one hand behind my head, the other resting on my chest, holding a cigarette with an inch of ash that was more anxious to fall than I was to consider even sitting up. It was hot and the ceiling fan toiled cease-lessly, and I was grateful for it and the shadows it cast from the parking lot lights outside my apartment. I did my best thinking under a ceiling fan, and alternately, I did my best not to think at all the same way. The bourbon was within reach, and all was as well as it ever was.

Time just makes the shadows crawl across the ceiling night after night and does nothing but pour acid into the dark pit of my hollow gut, and I was looking to make it pass. Quickly. No matter how deep the pit seemed, just when I thought I’d found its bottom, I always found there were ways to dig deeper. Sometimes I held the shovel…and others, like this, were indeed like that acid burning its rocky soil away, and I felt like a bound prisoner watch-

ing it helplessly from a distance in frus-tration.

I had told a grandmother a few hours earlier as gently as I could that that the grandson she had been raising since in-fancy had been killed during a botched robbery, and she managed to surprise me by vomiting from a standing posi-tion, all 350 pounds of her. Oh, she had turned her head so no contact was made, but I have to admit…while I ex-pected her to react, that was not exactly the reaction I was expecting. I politely ignored it and in under a minute I was embracing her as she wailed, and we stayed there until the tears began to subside. Both of ours. She was a proud, older black woman, but this was a new low for her, and eventually I handed her off to family as they arrived and went inside to get her something to drink.

I started off my career working parts of town in which people asked me to take off my boots before I entered their homes to take a report so as to not soil their gilded carpet (I turned around and left), and the next call would re-sult in someone attempting to stab me while trying to elude being caught stealing a spare car tire. Those things were difficult to understand, but paled in comparison to the collateral damage that were the families touched by even more senseless crimes. It was a lot to digest. Oh, my poor stomach.

The only definitive relief for these thoughts was to go into my son’s bed-room and give him a hug while he slept, maybe just trace the lines of his face with a fingertip or brush the hair from his forehead. I would enter that room now…but he wasn’t there. I couldn’t even call him at those hours because he now slept under a different roof with his mother and her new husband. So I stroked the lines of a lead crystal glass of spirits instead. Such a poor trade.

My pager and my phone sat dormant on the bedside table for a record-break-ing two hours before I woke to me-chanically put a cheap tie over a cheap shirt that I tucked into cheap pants and cinched together with a belt and expen-sive gun, and went to my car to start another day over again.

I thought of the grandmother that next morning on the way in, and won-dered how she was doing. I couldn’t check of course; I was the harbinger of her grandson’s death, the proverbial “messenger,” but that was OK. Raises were out of budget, but we were always flush with pain for the dying.

I checked my watch, and hoped to call my kid before he caught the bus. I hid my smoking from him, but maybe he’d understand if he found out later.

Did he think of me at night, too? He had a ceiling fan in his new room, after all...

A Cop’s Silent Therapy

On the Beat Alex TeACh

“


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the pulse 10.23 » june 6-12, 2013

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