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The Pain That

Never Truly Goes Away..

Tori

Lyman

May 10,

2013

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The Pain That Never Truly Goes Away..

2012-2013

By: Tori Lyman

Lyman Publishing

Huntsville, Arkansas

May 10, 2013

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Table of Contents

Dedication Page page 4

Biographical Sketch One page 5

Part One: Wicked Love

Maybe Some Things are Better Left Untouched page 6

Thunder Storm page 7

Perfectly Imperfect page 8

Wishing He Knew page 9

Holding On page 10

Biographical Sketch Two page 11

Part Two: Hate ‘N’ Hurt

Abuse page 12

Therapy page 13

The Unbreakable Bond till Death page 14

Not Knowing the Truth page 15

Biographical Sketch Three page 16

Part Three: Nightmare pages 17-21

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Stay Awake, Get a Grip, Get out,

You’re Safe from the Weight of the World.

Just take a Second…

Set things Straight.

I’ll be Fine.

Even though I’m Not Always Right,

I Can Count on the Sun to Shine.

And as a Result this is a

Dedication to You

And All of the World

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Wicked Love

This section of collections is about love and how wicked, yet lovely it

can be. It’s full of feelings, thoughts, and wonders that come to

mind when I think about love and how it treats people. It’s

something that can brighten your world and take the pain away or

can rip you apart and make you feel like you are all alone even

when you are in a crowd.

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“Maybe Some Things are Better Left Untouched..”

I long for the day when I finally get to meet you. I’m not sure if

you want to meet me though. Mom said that when she told you

about me that you get really mad, maybe more than mad. I didn’t

know what to expect I guess. I’m afraid that you won’t like me, that

I won’t be the kind of person you enjoy being around. I’m afraid

that I will like you and that you won’t like me. I’m not afraid,

actually, I’m absolutely terrified. I’ve known about you for around

three years now and you’ve only known about me for a few weeks.

You don’t seem excited at all, but I guess when you get a text saying

that you have a fourteen year old daughter you probably wouldn’t

really know how to react. I know that when I found out I was scared

and pretty mad that nobody had told me before. I don’t know if you

were scared like me, well I guess I was more freaked out that scared,

but I know you were mad. Mom told me that when she told you

about me that you weren’t only mad, you were judgmental and

worried. I mean yeah I would be worried too and I’m not saying

that I wasn’t judgmental about the situation but they didn’t tell me

when happened and I really thought you had left my mom as soon

as you found out that she was pregnant, but I know now that that

wasn’t the situation. Now that I have talked to you about everything

I am starting to really like you, but I’m still afraid of meeting you.

It’s not really meeting you, it’s what I need to say, what I want to

say, what I’m afraid to say. There are so many things that I want to

tell you that I am terrified to say! Is it just me???

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“Thunder Storm”

Flashes shine through my shut eyes; rain hits me and feels

like a million tiny needles against my skin, the thunder roars and

send shills down my spine. This is what I long for. This is my high.

The storm speaks to me like a mother speaks to her

newborn child, like a father speaks to his son. Its tender yet strong

and powerful. It fills your body with meaning and hope. This storm

is where my heart belongs and what my soul aches for.

Adrenaline courses through my veins. It’s like I’ve never

been in a storm before, each time something new happens and

makes me want it more, but each time it’s a longer wait for the next

one to come.

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“Perfectly Imperfect”

I didn’t know exactly where the train was going. After

paying my fare, I simply stood on the platform waiting for it to whisk

me away to somewhere, anywhere but here. And that’s when it

happened; everything around me went white except the man

standing beside me. He was exceptionally gorgeous; olive toned skin,

piercing blue eyes, and perfectly curly hair. I didn’t know what he

thought of me; wild hair ragging with the wind, red tanned skin

covered in freckles, and big brown eyes. He was perfectly built! Way

too perfect for a girl like me!

I wondered if I should say something but he answered my

question by saying “Hello” with the most gorgeous smile I had ever

seen! His voice was amazing; deep and gravely with a little bit of

that eight year old squeak still in it. I was nervous and I didn’t

know what to say! I choked out a stuttered “H-h-hello” and knew I

had already messed up my incredibly small chance. But he laughed!

Was he laughing at me? Oh he was! He was laughing at how stupid I

am and now I KNOW I don’t have any chance!

But now the train is leaving, I have to get on that train! I grab

his hand, not really knowing how he would react, but I get on the

train and pull him with me. I guess it was the adrenaline of

catching the train or the embarrassment of grabbing his hand

when I barely know him, but I passed out.

When I woke up my head was resting on his leg, my body

was drenched in sweat, and he was patting my forehead with a wet

rag. When I opened my eyes his smiled incredibly big and asked if I

was alright.

Well I blacked out again. I don’t know when I woke up, or

if I ever did. All I remember is seeing him smile, cough, and choke

up blood. Did I die? Am I stuck in between heaven and hell? I don’t

really know, and I’m not sure I ever will.

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“Wishing He Knew..”

His blue eyes pierce my skin, sending chills down my spine.

His touch shocks me, sending electricity through my veins. I’m frozen

in place, not wanting to move in fear that he would step away. The

feeling he gives me is strong, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced

before.

All the pain he has ever cost me seems to disappear the moment

I see him. Loving him is like nothing else. He tells me that his love

for me is impossible; that always makes me smile. It’s like we are

forbiddingly meant to be. Nobody understands why we keep getting

back together. It’s just another one of those things that only we will

understand I suppose.

The way he treats me is unbearable, yet perfect. It’s as if

one minute I’m his and no one else can touch me and a second

later I’m some ungodly freak who he terribly despises. He told me

that I only need to try more and things would get better, only they

got worse. Now it’s as if I’m the only one who tries and he just sits

back and laughs like he’s ready for me to give up.

He’s shy. I’m outgoing. How much more opposite can you

get? He’s private. I’m public. We’re more than just opposites; love and

hate; heaven and hell. But they say opposites attract, and in this

case I really hope they are right.

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“Holding On”

I miss you

I write it over and over

He never understands

Never gets that it’s him

That it will always be him

He is the… Rock

When the waves try to push me,

To drown me

I clutch onto him

I hold on to him

I hold on to his memory

I hold on to my feelings

I hold on to life

For him

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Hate ‘N’ Hurt

This section of collections is all about hate and hurt. It’s not

about the hate I feel but the hate I see; it’s about hurt and how

painfully it can be. It’s something that seems to tear people apart in

only a matter of time; makes us seems rude, yet we are only in pain;

and only gets worse and stronger as time goes by. This is an

inspiration to me because it is the things that I feel and see around

me. It’s a part of life and it’s just something that we have to deal

with and it never goes away, no matter how hard we try.

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“Not Knowing the Truth”

I sit

Listening to my best friend talk

Talk about how perfect he..

Knowing how he truly feels about her

Thinking

Thinking about how afraid I am to hurt her

But knowing that I need to tell her

Tell her about what happened

He asked me that question!

I couldn’t help it..

I knew it was going to really hurt her..

But at that moment I could only smile

Smile and let the tears fall down my face

I cried after that

I cried because I was ashamed

Ashamed at how selfish and stupid I was being

Knowing that I shouldn’t have said yes

Knowing that I was being inconsiderate

I’m sorry…

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“Abuse”

She was beaten and bruised

She had no money

Nowhere to go…

She was terrified and lonely

What did she do to deserve this?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing

Her father did this to her

She hated him!

Truly hated him

And every single thing he stood for

Was he trying to kill her?

Or was he only trying to hurt her?

She didn’t know

She didn’t care

She hated him

She hated herself

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“The Unending Pain”

He won’t even look at

Her anymore..

What did she do wrong?!

She stopped cutting so he

Would be happy with her…

Now he is the only reason

She does…

Would he care if he found out?

She’s even sure anymore…

She feels as if she’s a nobody

With nobody now…

She wonders if she will ever get over him..

She just isn’t sure about anything anymore…

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“Therapy”

What do you do when you’re lost; lost in a world of hurt and

confusion? Nobody knows that right answer or the wrong answer. See

a therapist? That’s what most people recommend. What if you’re

afraid to talk to anyone about it? Go to a therapist, that’s what they

still say; over and over and over again. You don’t want to see a

therapist, “Go see a therapist!” They don’t care what you want; they

think a therapist is the solution to every single thing. If you’re happy

you need to see a therapist, if you’re sad you need to see a therapist,

if you’re angry or upset you need to see a therapist! Maybe they

would understand if they went to see a therapist themselves! Maybe

then they would see why they are called a therapist and why nobody

ever wants to see a therapist for their problems..

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Nightmares

This section is all one story. It’s about the unthinkable thoughts of a

young girl who has gone through a tragedy that nobody should ever

have to go through. She tries to forget over and over again but she

just can’t.

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“Unthinkable Thoughts”

She was standing in the middle of the road; the rain soaking

her clothes and chilling her to where not only her heart ached but

her soul. She wondered why bad things always seemed to happen to

her. She was exhausted from it all. From the aching pain that

pierced her heart every second she lived. She was set on ending it,

ending her, and she was going to do it tonight, she was sure of it.

Now the rain wasn’t the only thing soaking her, tears were.

They ran down her cheeks, down her neck, mixed with the rain that

splattered on her. She felt something new now, she felt scared. But as

she thought on she realized that she wasn’t scared of what was

going to happen to her, but scared of what wasn’t. She was scared of

living rather than dying. Living was what scared her now.

Hope. Hope was what she did. She hoped for a car, a truck,

anything that would take her. She wanted it to hurt though, wanted

to feel the extreme pain that would come from whatever would take

her out of her own cruel world. She didn’t want to die immediately,

that would ruin the point of her suicide. She wanted something that

would hurt so much worse than her heart, more than her soul. She

wanted it to mask her emotional pain.

Her hair began to stick to her face, she tried to wipe it away but

instead found herself covering her ears, though she wasn’t sure why.

But she realized then that she wasn’t scared, not anymore. Now all

she felt was the aching pain. No fear, no love. It was nothing but

pain; aching, gut wrenching pain that seared her insides.

She screamed, squeezed her eyes shut tight, and kept her ears

covered. It wasn’t much relief but it was some. But then she seen the

headlights shine through her shut eyes, heard the horn through her

covered ears, and felt the impact that she had wanted to feel. But

right before that impact she smiled; smiled for the first time in seven

months. She smiled because she thought that this was the end,

thought that she wouldn’t feel the hurt anymore, and because she

felt the pain she had been hoping for.

Everything in her world went black, then white. But now she

heard voices and sirens, or at least she thought she did, but she

figured she was only hearing things. Only she wasn’t, the voices and

the sirens were real, and when she realized this she cried. She cried

not because she was scared or because she thought she had made a

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mistake but because she was alive. All she wanted was to die, that

was all she wanted.

▬ ▬ ▬

She woke up in the hospital after seven days in a coma. Nobody

was there though. Then she remembered that her mother was taken

away from her in a house fire when she was 11, her father left before

she was born, and her younger sister got lost and no one ever found

her. She hoped her aunt would show up, I mean she did live with her

for six and a half years. Though she did run away two months before

she turned eighteen and nobody came looking for her, there was no

missing persons report filed for her, nobody cared what happened to

her.

Later the nurse came in and checked on her, told her what

happened even though she already knew, then asked if she

remembered her name. Of course she remembered, but she didn’t say

a thing, only continued to stare blankly at the ceiling. She wished

she had died. She kept wishing and wishing and wishing even

though it did her no good. She cursed to God because he didn’t

accept her. He made her stay and she now hated him for that. She

had prayed to him night after night to take her life. It never worked

and she just figured that he hated her just as much as the world

seemed to hate her.

She began to kick violently trying to break free of all the cords.

She yanked out her IV, ripped away the cords that lay over her, but

she didn’t get up. She suddenly realized that all of those things hurt.

Hurt with a physical pain so strong that she just stopped, closed her

eyes, and held in the whimper that so badly wanted to escape. She

kept herself from crying, from screaming out, from letting the nurse

hear or see her in pain. She was finally feeling the physical pain

that masked the emotional and she wasn’t going to let anyone take

that from her. She loved it; loved it too much to give it up.

She decided that if she couldn’t die she wanted to keep the

pain that covered the emptiness that took the place of her heart and

soul. The emptiness was making black holes that were a result of no

love and of having nothing; absolutely nothing. And that nothing

penetrated her so deeply that it drove her to suicide. Only this time

it was a failed attempt.

▬ ▬ ▬

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This suicide was going to be different. It wasn’t going to be like

the original gunshot to the head or hanging from the ceiling fan

kind of time, it was going to be jump to the death. Though unlike

her attempt she was sure that this one would work, and unlike her

attempt she wasn’t going to let anyone see. She wanted to keep to

herself and she hoped nobody would ever find her. After all nobody

was looking for her and only her aunt knows that she ran away so

she didn’t see why would anyone be looking for her. Her plan so far

was perfect in her mind; she would find an abandoned place so that

nobody would see her, jump, and die.

There was always that little fear in the back of her mind that

this one would end up like the last one, but worse. She didn’t want to

be stuck in the hospital again. She wasn’t fully prepared to live any

longer; she had nothing that meant anything to her anymore, so

why keep living with nothing to look forward to?

Being stuck in that hospital was beginning to take a toll on

her; she began to have migraines, the bed was giving her back

pains, and she wasn’t hurting as much, physically anyways. She felt

the need to get out before all the pain that she loved slipped away.

She wanted to die before all the pain she felt before came back; she

knew she could handle it; she just didn’t want to have to. A pain

that strong was numbing, she hardly ate when she hurt the way she

had been. She had thought about starving herself but she figured

that would take too long and someone would find out because of the

way she looked or because she seemed to go crazy, crazier than she

usually was.

They gave her pair of worn jeans, converse, and an old tee shirt

the day they let her on her way. It was too bad that they didn’t know

that they were letting a lonely girl who had no one in her life that

cared about her just walk out of there with the intensions of killing

herself. But it was going to happen now and nobody but the poor

girl knew it.

▬ ▬ ▬

She wondered around for a while before she found a place

where everything could come together and her plan could be put

into action. Of course she didn’t see much of anything; no people, no

surveillance cameras that she could see, but lots of tall buildings.

She didn’t believe that she could actually have come upon a place

like she did, she almost thought she was dreaming, but it was real

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and she loved it. Nobody would see her jump; nobody could watch a

tape of her jumping; and nobody would be there to call for help if

she only injured herself.

The place was perfect for her to do it and she was going to take

advantage of it; she looked around for the tallest building there,

broke in, and went to the roof. She stood on the edge looking at the

ground and thought of how glorious this was to her. She closed her

eyes and tilted her head up “Thank you, God for finally realizing

that it is time for me to be with my family. Thanks you for not

making me stay on this horrid earth for any longer and THANK YOU

GOD for loving me enough to accept the way I am doing things and

the way I have lived me life!”

And now she was finally truly happy because she was going to

see her family again and she loved the fact that she was able to

smile without feeling guilty that her mother and sister could no

longer smile at a single person on this awful earth anymore. She was

able to smile without guilt, pain, or feeling lost and confused. She

loved everyone who gave her the opportunity to feel dead without

being dead and she gave a special thanks to God and the people

who built these building because they made this all possible.

▬ ▬ ▬

The wind picked up, her heart beat faster, and her life flashed

before her eyes the moment before her feet left the edge of the

building. She knew it would hurt her and she didn’t want that

anymore, but she would go through hell and back or anything God

put her through to be with her family and off of the cruel world she

used to consider home.

As she fell she prayed to God and all of her family instead of

panicking. She had hated her life since her family had gone and

she was ready to be done with it all.

For a moment she feared something would go wrong; that she

would be found before anything bad happened; yet she hit the

ground; bones cracking, sharp pains shooting through her body,

gasps and short cries escaping her mouth. In a second it was over.

She was in a tunnel, it was dark where she was, but she could

see a light at the end of it, or at least she thought it was the end. She

tried to walk towards the light, her feet were stuck, and she began to

panic. It was like she was paralyzed; no voice, no movement,

nothing would work no matter how hard she tried. She tried to yell

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out, but no words came. She tried to run away, but no matter how

hard she tried no movement would come about.

Was this where she was to be for forever in her afterlife? She

didn’t understand! Was this her hell? Was being stuck, being

paralyzed, God’s punishment to her? She didn’t know and she

probably never will.

▬ ▬ ▬

Everything began to go white, the tunnel disappeared under

her feet, and she was hovering above her body. She could see blood

around her body and could tell she had broken bones, but couldn’t

figure out why she didn’t feel any of it or why she didn’t remember

feeling any of it.

Now she wondered if this was God’s punishment to her;

seeing her body broken and pale. If this was his punishment to her

she hated him, she hated herself. Why did she jump? She hated the

world, but was jumping and putting her body in the condition it

was now the right answer? She’ll never know, or at least she hopes

she never will.

She began to get some feeling back, her ghostly figure

began to get hazy, and although her limp body didn’t get color

back into it she began to see life coming back into it.

She hurt. She cried. She screamed. Wanted to die! She

didn’t want to live, she didn’t want to be stuck on this stupid world,

and she wanted to be with her family! But now that she was alive she

only felt hatred.

She didn’t know when it was but at some time she had

blacked out and someone had found her. She was lying in a

hospital bed; tubes all around her, monitors beeping behind her, an

unidentified identification bracelet was on her wrist. Nobody knew

who she was, what had happened to her, or why she wasn’t dead.

There were no records of her found in the hospital and nobody

claimed her. On the television in front of her the new went on and

on about a girl who was found nearly dead with no identification.

It’s been a year and a half and she has never spoken one

word and nobody has figured out who she is.

She is an unidentified person who will never speak or move on

her own again..