the gang gets medicated

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This is a spec script for an episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

TRANSCRIPT

  • FADE IN:

    BLACK SCREEN

    SUPER: SATURDAY 4:20 P.M.

    INT. PADDYS PUB - AFTERNOON

    The bar is hazy FRANK and CHARLIE are sitting in the cornersharing a joint.

    CHARLIEMan, this is some great Iraqi Bush.Quality shit.

    FRANKDammit Charlie, I told you tentimes already, its AfghaniKu--(coughing) Kush.

    CHARLIEHehe oh, right. But yeah man, greatIraqi bush.

    DENNIS and DEE enter.

    DEEOh, come on!

    DENNISThats all you two bums have beendoing lately, dont you haveanything better to do?

    DEEIT SMELLS LIKE CAT PISS IN HERE

    FRANKIts legal now - why not?

    CHARLIEYou guys are really harshing me andFranks mellow. You need some ofthis bush.

    FRANKYes hahaha you two need to chillcome over here.

    DENNIS and DEE look at each other. They shrug at each otherand head over to FRANK and CHARLIE as CHARLIE passes thejoint to DENNIS. DENNIS hits it, holds it in and passes toDEE.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 2.

    DENNISHey, this isnt half bad.

    DENNIS exhales while DEE takes the smallest hit and startsuncontrollably coughing.

    CHARLIEOh COME ON DEE!

    FRANKYoure wasting it! You dumb bird!

    DENNISYou stupid bitch.

    DENNIS, FRANK, and CHARLIE all start laughing and yelling atDEE

    CHARLIEDEE YOU STUPID BIRD!

    FRANKBIG DUMB STUPID FAT BIRD!

    DENNISDEE..... BIRD!

    The guys start laughing so hard they start crying andcontinuing to pass and smoke the joint while purposelyexcluding DEE. DEE, looking furious, stands up.

    DEEYou guys are assholes! Have funwith your REEFER Im going to go dosomething with my life!

    DEE storms out of the bar.

    DENNISYou guys, here me out, nobodysdrinking beer anymore, we haventhad a customer since Marijuana wasdecriminalized so how about insteadof selling alcohol we sell-

    CHARLIECheese!

    FRANKI could go for some cheese rightnow.

    MAC and DEE enter.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 3.

    MACWhats up sinners? HEard you guyswere smoking the Devils Lettuce! Iadvise you to stop!

    MAC does karate moves towards the guys making WHOOSHINGnoises with each move.

    CHARLIEReally Dee? You told on us?

    DEEYou guys were being dicks!

    FRANKNobody like a narc, Dee.

    CHARLIENARC!

    MACI know weed is legal now, but thatdoesnt mean its good for you.Weed is stupid and it makes youdumb! If you want my advice--

    DENNISWe dont MAC. But please, give itto us anyway Jesus.

    FRANKWhen did Jesus come back?

    MACMarijuana could never be usedmedicinally because like allmedicine people are going to abuseit but with the power of the lord--

    CHARLIEMac, listen, weed is GREAT andweve been over here brainstorming.

    FRANK shoots up and throws his hands in the air.

    FRANKWERE GOING TO SELL CHEESE!

    DENNIS stands up with CHARLIE.

    DENNISNo, you imbeciles, weed! WEED! Wesell.... weed.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 4.

    DENNIS, FRANK, and CHARLIE look at each other. ECU of howred and squinted their eyes are as they all grin slowly.

    CUT TO:

    MAIN TITLES

    SUPER: "THE GANG GETS MEDICATED"

    SUPER: "ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILEDELPHIA

    ACT ONE

    INT. PADDYS PUB basement - Weeks later

    DENNIS is standing with his arms folded, lookingaccomplished. CHARLIE is painting a sign on the grown. Awide shot shows the basement is full of marijuana plants andproper lighting needed to maintain cultivation.

    DENNISCHARLIE Ive done it. We will be upand running soon and in no time wewill be rolling in women and coldhard cash.

    CHARLIEHow do you expect these girls tothrow themselves at you man?

    DENNISAh, you see Ive been working on aspecial strain, a strain sopowerful, a strain so pure, sobeautiful--

    DENNIS walks up to a plant and begins stroking a leaf.

    DENNISA strain infused grown speciallythat, when smoked, women will findme irresistible, having no choicebut to throw themselves at the manthat gave them that free sample.

    DENNIS grins maniacally kissing a leaf. CHARLIE stares athim flabbergasted.

    CHARLIEDENNIS... you are a genius!

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 5.

    DENNISYes, hows the sign coming?

    CHARLIEWell I think it looks pretty damngood!

    CHARLIE holds up a sign with scribbles and illegible writingand a crude drawing of some cheese.

    DENNISYeah, thats not going to work Iprobably should have given you adifferent job.

    DENNIS walks over to the corner and picks up a mop andbucket.

    CHARLIEI should go clean the bathrooms.

    DENNISYeah, clean the bathrooms buddy.

    CHARLIE grabs the mop and buck from DENNIS and walks up thestairs a la Charlie Brown with his head down. DENNIS patshim on the back as FRANK enters.

    FRANKAlright so Im paying for all ofthis shit, when do we start gettingsome poon?

    DENNISAh, now were talking.

    DENNIS puts his arm around FRANK and inaudibly talks aboutthe plant.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. DEES CAR - AFTERNOON

    DEE and MAC are in DEEs car and driving around passing andtaking turns hitting a bowl of marijuana.

    DEEThose guys were right, this stuffisnt bad.

    MACYeah, Im absolutely loving it. Ifeel so relaxed.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 6.

    DEEIm feeling loose, Im feelingweird.

    MACI think we could do better thanthem, DEE, we should start our ownbusiness.

    DEEMAC thats exactly what I wasthinking, we dont need need thosedickbags!

    MACBut if theyre using the bar howare we going to sell?

    DEEThats the thing. We do it on thestreets! We could be like a weeddelivery service!

    MACWe could just stand outside, likein an alley or something, andspread the word, let people know!

    DEEBut where do we get the weed?

    DEE & MACCRICKET.

    A shot from outside the car shows DEE and MAC are at a stopsign.

    MACThis lights been red a really longtime.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. BACK ALLEY - AFTERNOON

    MAC and DEE are walking in a back alley. CRICKET is seensleeping under a garbage bag.

    DEEHey idiot, wake up.

    DEE kicks CRICKET. CRICKET jolts awake. CRICKET looks up andDEE and MAC see that he is bald.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 7.

    CRICKETNot you guys, what do you want.

    MAC jumps and does a swift karate kick in the airaccompanied by a WHOOSHING sound effect.

    MACWe need drugs CRICKET!

    CRICKETIf I guys get you drugs, will youleave me alone?

    DEEYou have a deal. We need a pound ofmarijuana.

    CRICKETWhoah, what are you planning ondoing with that?

    MACWere going to sell it.

    DEEOn the streets!

    CRICKETYou guys know thats illegal right?

    MACNo its not you idiot, weed islegal now so we can do whatever wewant with it!

    CRICKETPretty sure thats not how itworks-

    DEEWhat would you know? Yourehomeless.

    MACYeah, stupid homeless idiot!

    DEESo can you get us the drugs or not?

    CRICKETI guess so as long as you guyspromise to leave me alone, youveliterally ruined my life!

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 8.

    MACWhat is he talking about?

    DEEBeats me.

    CRICKETI WAS A PRIEST WHEN I MET YOU GUYS!A man of the lord, and last yearyou guys locked me in yourapartment that was ON FIRE.

    MACOooooh yeah... sorry about that.

    DEECRICKET you have our word, get usthe drugs and we will leave youalone forever.

    CRICKETAlright meet me back here, tonightat 11:00 P.M.

    DEE and MAC head back to her car and get in it.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. DEES CAR - NIGHT TIME

    CRICKET hops into the back seat and throws a big paper bagonto MACS lap.

    CRICKETAlright its all there. You guysneed to come up with $1,600 bytomorrow night. I had nothing togive my guy in collateral and Idont know whats going to happenif he doesnt get paid.

    MACNo worries CRICKS, we got this!

    CRICKETThis is some good stuff, my guysaid its called angel dust.

    DEEYeah, yeah, whatever. CRICKET yousmell like shit. Get out of my car.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 9.

    CRICKETDo you guys have anything to eat?Im starving.

    MACGET OUT!

    CRICKET gets out of the car.

    DEESo we should start selling this assoon as possible.

    MACYeah... I think theyre going tokill him if we dont get the money.

    DEEYeah, theyre most definitely goingto kill him.

    MACDont you think we should at leasttest this out first? You know justso we know what were selling?

    DEEPit stop at Paddys?

    MACPit stop at Paddys!

    MAC kisses the brown bag and DEE drives off.

    ENF OF ACT ONE

    CUT TO:

    INT. PADDYS PUB - EVENING

    ACT TWO

    DENNIS, CHARLIE, and FRANK are stocking the shelves andsorting buds of marijuana into separate jars.

    DENNISTomorrows the big day fellas!

    FRANKThe women!

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 10.

    DENNISThe weed!

    CHARLIEThe cheese!

    FRANKWe got cheese?!

    CHARLIEYeah, we should get-

    DENNISWill you two shut up about cheesealready? I need you two focused!

    CHARLIEIll just eat some of the cheesefor the rat traps!

    DENNISNO! For gods sake. THERE WILL BENO CHEESE. We are professionalbusinessmen now and we need to actlike it. CHARLIE go hang this signoutside, no thanks to you.

    CHARLIE takes the sign that reads "DISPENSARY" and opens thedoor. MAC and DEE enter.

    DEEWhats up dickbags?

    MACDEE and I are changing the game!

    DENNISWhat are you talking about?

    DEEYou guys think youre so coolopening up a dispensary but weregoing to sell on the streets andmake a lot more money than you dumbasses.

    DENNISYeah, well good luck with that.

    MACWe have to test this out firstthough.

    (CONTINUED)

  • CONTINUED: 11.

    FRANKLets roll up a fatty!

    DENNISWere basically ready for tomorrowso why not!

    Shot of joint being rolled a

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