Awaking from what was described as “just some horrible, fiscal conservative dream,” Rep. Brett Hulsey, D-Madison, could be seen sprinting frantically around Capitol Square Wednesday under the impression the past year of legislative deadlock and political animosity was a creation of his own overactive subconscious.

“It was awful,” Hulsey said, tears streaming from his eyes. “[Gov. Scott] Walker had strong-armed the unions and democracy as we know it was being destroyed! But now I see.”

Legislators close to Hulsey claim the representative had been prone to similar unfounded exclamations and delusions of grandeur throughout the last year, though his behavior was largely excused by long hours in the Assembly and stress.

Exhibiting Jimmy Stewart-caliber enthusiasm, Hulsey circled the block repeatedly in little more than a matching Sierra Club robe and slippers set, seemingly oblivious of the increased Capitol Police presence that has become commonplace since protests dominated the block in February of last year.

“Collective bargaining, Capitol!

Collective bargaining, M&I Bank! Collective bargaining, you wonderful homeless man with a vuvuzela!” Hulsey was reported to have shouted.

Hulsey was retrieved by Assembly Minority Leader Peter Barca, D-Kenosha, hours later, who cradled the Assemblyman after he had tired himself out. Hulsey was reported to have fallen asleep as Barca rocked him back and forth, mumbling something about a yet-unidentified “Zuzu” and “John Doe.”

As of press time, no members of the Legislature or press claimed to have the heart to tell him the reality of the situation.

After tumultuous months of refereeing the Wisconsin recalls, Government Accountability Board Director Kevin Kennedy was found flailing naked in a pile of recall petitions, sources report.

“VERIFY... VERIFY... VERIFY...” Kennedy howled in apparent delirium as threw his head back and rubbed several petitions to recall Gov. Scott Walker on his nipples.

When asked how the verification process was going, Kennedy tore

some petitions into little bits and released fistfuls of petition confetti into the air before breaking into a fit of nervous giggles.

On Monday, other members of the GAB found Kennedy in a fort he had built under the tables in the secret location petitions were being counted. His coworkers asked him to come out, but Kennedy only replied by chanting, “NON-PARTISAN... NON-PARTISAN...NON-PARTISAN.”

Fellow GAB members said the stress and heckling from both sides of the political spectrum in Wisconsin have finally started

to show signs of mental-wear on Kennedy.

“Yea, we’ve been concerned to say the least. Things started out small but harmless. We started to really worry when he began to start small fires in the office microwave, but he really peaked when he stripped off all his clothes and buried himself in sheaths of petitions,” said a fellow GAB worker.

Police arrived and took Kennedy into protective custody, and reported they had recovered recall petitions intricately folded and cut to make voodoo dolls of each politician up for recall.

University of Wisconsin Chancellor David Ward announced plans last night to convert the largest residence hall on campus into a jersey-sewing factory.

According to the plan, Witte Hall would be repurposed as a factory that makes uniforms for UW’s many ath-letic teams. The sweatshop, dubbed UW-Jerseyzone, will rely primarily on freshmen labor.

“We’re really tired of going through all these apparel companies,” Ward said. “So we thought hey, why not cut out the middleman?”

University Housing worked with to-gether with Ward to develop the plan. Much debate centered over whether the current Witte building would need to be completely torn down in order to distinguish the new sweatshop from Sellery Hall, which will remain a stu-dent dorm.

Ward dismissed the idea, saying “Sellery is a shithole anyway.”

Rep. Steve Nass, R-Whitewater, praised the decision.

“Finally, UW comes to its senses and comes up with something I can get behind,” Nass said. “This will present a great opportunity for incoming stu-dents to get a year of hard work under their belts.”

Students were skeptical of the deci-sion, however. UW junior Steve Holt was concerned the move would de-crease the amount of students apply-ing to UW.

“I mean, I’m not saying I would’ve gone to Minnesota or anything, but this sweatshop thing runs of the risk of UW becoming a safety school,” Holt said.

Student Labor Action Coalition members could not be reached for comment, as they were in the middle of a drum circle marathon at Electric Earth Cafe.

In a shocking change of heart, a sort-of-but-not-really-influential campus blog announced their endorsement of University of Wisconsin sophomore Leland Pan for the Dane County Board’s District 5 seat.

Contributors to North Park Street, a collaborative blog about UW-Madison politics with bureaux in St. Louis and San Francisco, said they decided to endorse Pan because his controversial statements validate their libertarian beliefs that anyone should be able to say the craziest shit they want to say.

“We decided, as libertarians, that it would be best to endorse Leland since he has the First Amendment right to slander any political figure

he wants,” North Park Street co-founder Kurt Gosselin told The Dirty Bird. “Despite his opposition to the New Badger Partnership, Leland is a perfect example of how UW-Madison students embrace libertarian ideals.”

In North Park Street’s comments section, a particularly critical badger anonymously spurned the bloggers’ decision.

“I mean HOW can you do this to (District 5 candidate John Magnino)?” the anonymous commenter asked. “I can’t read you guys anymore because of this. You’ll just have to shut the comments section down now since I’m the only person who says anything.”

Pan was not available for comment because he was too busy apologizing to every county and city employee for insulting them on Facebook.

Incomplete campus coverage since 1892 1995 dirtybird.wisc.edu77 Square Miles Surrounded by Insanity April Fools Day, 2012Simple, tasty recipes Bumpin’ & Grindin’

by Ratty VorpahlTHE DIRTY BIRD

BABE THE BIG BLUE OX/THE DIRTY BIRD

Brett Hulsey: ‘It was all a dream!’

by Sir Kelloggs Rumple IVTHE DIRTY BIRD

Dazed and bewildered, the representative stumbled around the rotunda, frightening several tours of school children.

AESOP BREWSTER/ASM

Each room in Witte will be furnished with a spindle and army cot.

by Stubbs McWolfgramTHE DIRTY BIRD

Infl uential blog decides infl uential county race

by Carl GoldenTHE DIRTY BIRD

Ward to convert Witte Hall into apparel sweatshop

GAB director found fl ailing naked in recall petitions

We have no idea what we are doing

But seriously halp plz page 8

BRO RYAN’S BADGERS SHOOT 10% IN BEER PONG GAME,

LOSE TO IOWABruesewitz: I liked the shots we were getting.

In a marked effort to slay the student body’s apathy and stir up some support for blood sport among their elected representatives, officials announced Wednesday this year’s Associated Students of Madison session will wrap up with a “Hunger Games” spin.That’s right, folks. Your

favorite campus ramble rousers and used car salesman suit-wearers alike will spend the rest of the semester locked in real life and death combat over semi-contentious changes to the bylaws, poorly aimed initiatives and election violation “controversies.”The premise will be the same

as in the record-breaking children’s books-turned-movies, according to Chancellor David Ward, who spearheaded the initiative. Members of the Student Services Finance Committee and Student Council will have fight for one chance at notoriety and their lives.“I’m pretty much done with

those whiny shits,” he said. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of

this earlier. Plus, the kickbacks from product placement and marketing are incredible. Two bird with one stone, really.”The change was spearheaded

in a last-ditch effort to get students to actually pay an iota of attention to a body known for its infighting, playground politics and #NotGettingShitDone.

SSFC Chair Sarah Neibart said she supported the measure, as she has wanted to take a spear to several committee members

and prominent student organization leaders for most of the current budgetary cycle.While SSFC Rep. Jon Vanden

Avond bragged about his superior skills with a crossbow heading into the jungle game zone, which is really just the Student Activity Center Hearing Room with a lot of fake plants and a few rubber snakes, other members were not sure what to make of the game.Aside from the ersatz fichus

trees, the danger remains very real, as elected students will actually fight each other to death with their bare hands. So, you know, not that much different than it is now.At press time, ASM Chair Allie

Gardner was still locked up in a holding tank for protesters and could not be reached for comment, which Vice Chair Andrew Bulovsky said would likely make her an easy target.First reports of the game

found SSFC Rep. Cale Plamaan was still unsure how this was different than “Lord of the Flies,” with him already having built a treetop hiding place and waving a pig’s head on a stick.

2 April Fools’ Day, 2012 dirtybird.wisc.edu

TODAY:It’s hot as hell down herehi Like, really hot. / lo Seriously

Who to blame

Editor in Chief

Managing Editor

News Editor

Campus Editor

City Editor

State Editor

Arts Editor

Arts Content Editor

Sports Editor

Stats Editor

Food Editor

Opinion Editor

Graphics Department

Singe, Warrior Viking of the North

Cry Baby

Patherine Kelman

What’s a seg fee?

Miffl in-level wasted

What’s a Scott Walker?

The hero Gotham deserves

Another remix of “Levels”

Elliot’s Beard

The king of the football court

The rats in the dumpster

behind Los Gemelos

.

Troll Patrol

....

After repeated complaint calls to the University of Wisconsin Po-lice Deaprtment and several wor-ried remarks via email from stu-dent Study Abroad advisers, UW released a statement admitting it is investigating a fully-fledged monarchical government that has reportedly been operating for years within the red-brick turrets of the Red Gym.

The building, owned by the university, was first built as an armory and gymnasium and now houses the Study Abroad office, Campus Info and Visitors Center, as well as, unknown until recent-ly, this Neo-European governmen-tal sect, complete with its own king, queen and other members of the court.

UW officials are flabbergast-ed, but are already advising that the royal fortune, consisting mainly of gold coins, be divvied up among the Board of Regents members.

“Apparently there’s a whole torture chamber rigged up in the dungeons there,” said a student renting from the Langdon apart-ments next door. “I kept telling myself the screams must be from our neighbors -- since I know for a fact they get volcano tacos at the combination KFC-Taco Bell almost every night, and I’ve had issues with that item myself.”

Other students say the armor-adorned knights and ladies-in-waiting seen coming and going from the Red Gym had been just as easily shrugged off.

“It’s normal to see people dressed up in costumes on Lang-don, for theme parties and socials

and stuff,” a UW sophomore of-fered. “But I thought they must be at an unheard-of level of trashed to mistake the Red Gym for their house in the middle of the day. Now I realize it was all part of this kingdom thing. It’s all so bi-zarre.”

Many Madison residents have expressed incredulity as to how a Buckingham Palace-style chang-ing of the guards, stretching across Library Mall and wrapping around Memorial Library, went unnoticed for so long.

“I mean, I know the KK’s line gets pretty long and rowdy on weekends, which could have been distracting from what was really going on. You know, with everyone loudly assuring the bouncer that, yes, they are defi-nitely 21, and just as profusely de-

nying to peers that their tanktop and neon-green hat make them a bro,” said a UW junior. “But that only explains Thursday through Sunday and some weeknights; how did this fly under the radar the rest of the time?”

University officials said in the statement that an impromptu am-bassador committee is being used to communicate with the king and queen, and hopes to have things sorted out before SOAR gets into full swing this summer.

“Clearly they were just search-ing for the next-closest thing to the traditional architecture of their homeland,” the statement said. “Once they found their way out of Humanities, the Red Gym was an obvious choice. UW will not fault these individuals for ex-pressing their culture in this way.”

UW confi rms rumors of monarchy within Red GymSarah “Toobs” HughesAWWWWW

PROFESSOR BOWMAN/STERLING COOPER

While an investigation is still pending, a collective of knights continues to hoard all the good tables at the terrace.

ASM to take “Hunger Games” twistWell, ShitDAAAA NEWS

“I’m pretty much done with those whiny shits.”

David WardUW Chancellor

3sum thinksingsApril Fools’ Day, 2012 dirtybird.wisc.edu

A March 2012 analysis shows Gov. Scott Walker has tweeted about ham eight times this year, fish eight times and meat in gen-eral a further four times. Overall, this amounts to 20 tweets involv-ing various meats. When asked to comment, University of Wisconsin sophomore Adam Ruechel said, “I hate to defend the guy, but meat is delicious.” The governor, who

slashed union bargaining rights last February, has also tweeted about pecans 10 times in the span of a year. Other talk of food includes four mentions of pie.

Research has further found the governor included more than 200 combinations of letters that could not be determined to be words or acronyms in any language. Notable non-words include ppycyx, lvhiix, pqosof, yurmft and zxqipe. He also misspelled several common words, including “unemployment.” Twice.

Walker heavily used abbrevia-tions common among 13-year-old girls in 2008. For example, he tweeted, “@sykescharlie. Thx 4 allowing me 2 share r gr8 job w/ur listeners. R reforms r working!” Upon seeing the tweet, The Badger Herald Board of Directors Chair-man Jake Begun could only ask, “The hell?”

In the world of partisan politics and marathon legislative ses-sions, Walker’s tweets had several exciting highlights. A tweet dated

March 17 read, “Beautiful day. Put up screens & cleaned windows on my home this am.” It was, in fact, a beautiful day, and Badger Herald design director Eric Wiegmann commented, “If my dad had a Twit-ter, that’s probably what he’d be tweeting about, too.” On the other hand, noted page designer Angus McNair, “Your dad isn’t the gov-ernor of an entire state.” Another tweet from the next day, March 18, simply read, “Got hot ham and rolls after church.”

Walker’s social media strategy beguiles butchersBilliard McBiliardsteinhofferTHAT SHIT....BILLIARD

artzzzzz

Sorry for Party Rocking

There were questions about whether rap collective LMFAO would be able to follow up their seminal 2009 work Party Rock. The album redefined the electro-synth-R&B-pop genre, and many wondered if they could top such ballads as “Shots” and “I’m In Mi-ami Bitch.”

But LMFAO makes no apolo-gies in Sorry for Party Rocking, which draws on their experience growing up in the ghettos of the rich suburbs of Los Angeles. The uncle-and-nephew duo’s frustra-tion with the system is audible as they belt out, “Party rock is in the house tonight/Everybody just have a good time.”

Ke$ha is a talented artist, but her themes (police-on-party bru-tality, deejays’ refusal to turn the music up) are out of reach for all but the most cerebral. LMFAO is the Bruce Springsteen of our decade--they speak directly to the working man in all of us.

We are now barely two years into the 2010s, but it’s hard to be-lieve Sorry for Party Rocking will be topped any time soon. In the words of the dynamic duo’s Sky-Blu, “Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle/Do the wiggle, yeah.” We can hardly disagree.

Animal

There can be no doubt that Sorry for Party Rocking was a popular and influential album. But while “Party Rock Anthem” may be great study music, it is not going to change anyone’s life. What is? Enter Ke$ha.

Ke$ha used her debut album Animal to comment on everything from alcohol addiction (“Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack”) to the broken promises of the Sexual Revolution (“Don’t be a little bitch with your chit-chat/Just show me where your dick’s at.”)

Her diverse and distinct sound draws on the styles of the Beatles, Brian Wilson, and the sound a fire alarm makes when it’s low on bat-teries. On Animal, she merges rap and pop in a brand-new genre that can only be described as some kind of “hip-hop.” Although this drew a flood of imitators--Nicki Minaj, Kanye West, Eminem--there can be no doubt that Ke$ha re-mains the queen.

It’s a pity she had to squander her reputation on the miserable follow-up, Cannibal EP, in which she screeches for 32 minutes about how drunk and horny she is.

LMFAO v. Ke$ha: Best album of the decade

In a bold move never before seen at the University of Wiscon-sin, The Daily Cardinal announced in a press release Sunday that it would release two sports-related columns in a single week.

After spending its first 120 years with just one carefully crafted opinion on sports every week, the Cardinal believed the promising economic climate made it an ideal time for newspaper expansion. It was a move, according to the newspaper’s leadership, brought on by growing demand for origi-nal content from the sports edi-tors.

“I can honestly say this is one of the proudest achievements of my storied career within the walls of Vilas Hall,” Managing Editor Nico Savidge said. “To offer our dedicat-ed audience unmatched insight on two different topics -- it really just

takes this paper to an entirely new level. It puts us up there among the nation’s most prominent newspapers.”

Savidge added popular ESPN.com columnist and Pardon the Interruption host Michael Wilbon personally called the Cardinal’s newsroom to congratulate them

on making the big jump.Though the increased output

will place a heavy burden on the Cardinal sports staff, they are pre-pared to make the necessary ad-justments to accommodate the extra space to be dedicated to col-umns.

As part of that effort, features will now stretch no longer than 400 words (down from 500) and men’s basketball writer Max Stern-berg will exclusively tweet out all his recaps instead of publishing them in the actual paper.

“Is it a tremendous challenge? Certainly. Will it be difficult? Ab-solutely. But in the digital age, ev-ery journalist has to step up their workload, and this is a critical move in launching my career as a sports journalist,” Sternberg, don-ning a Titleist hat askew on his head and a “Bucky Did Your Mom” shirt, said.

While Cardinal sports colum-nists how have just two weeks to prepare columns instead of the customary four weeks of years past, Savidge and Co. are confident they will continue to produce the intriguing content that makes them the most widely read news-paper across UW’s campus.

This change comes as part of the staff’s effort to revamp the en-tire newspaper, a transformation spearheaded by the innovative, state-of-the-art website the Cardi-nal unveiled several months ago.

After years of relentless coverage of major media-sports figures/mid-dling pro athletes, ESPN decided to make the official jump from semi-respectable sports news coverage to TMZ-esque tabloid gossip. “It’s what the people want to see,” ESPN presi-dent John Skipper said.

“Nobody cares anymore about the actual games themselves any-more. Why would you want to see highlights of NBA players dogging their asses up and down the court for hours when you could instead hear what your favorite player ate for lunch today? Did you know Jeremy Lin is rumored to be dating Michelle Obama? That’s the kind of things peo-ple want to know.”

While ESPN has introduced a new lineup of shows. They include “Tim Tebow Live” -- a show that follows the titular character through an en-tire day, every day of the year -- “Stu-art Scott’s Eyes are Watching” -- a pro-gram like ESPN news, except for the duration of the show the camera is zoomed in on anchor Stuart Scott’s glass eye -- and “Chris Berman is Se-nile,” -- a 30 minute segment that fea-tures Chris Berman constantly repeat-ing his outdated catch-phrases while cursing at low-level employees on set.

Viewers are already voicing their displeasure with the change. “There

used to be a time when ESPN was actually sports coverage with real sports journalism worked in,” said longtime viewer Greg Oden. “I’ve spent a lot of time in rehab the last couple years so I’ve had plenty of time to get introduced to my couch and ESPN. Now, the crap they televise today is just garbage.”

“I mean, I watched ‘Tim Tebow Live’ yesterday and they filmed him taking a dump after he ate some bad street food in New York. The program-ming on ESPN today is no better than that watery excrement Tim’s bowels pushed out in that segment.”

However, viewers have plenty of other options. ESPN promises that the show “I actually get paid to do this for a living: with Mel Kiper Jr.” is actually quite good, featuring Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair talking about the NFL draft for an hour every day.

Rounding things off in the eve-ning hour, John Clayton takes view-ers home with his own show called “I promise I am not a serial killer” where the NFL senior writer looks creepily into the camera and rattles off random NFL factoids.

Already projected to be a football fan-favorite, viewers everywhere will get the most up-to-date information while wondering how the reporter’s head is so oddily proportioned to the rest of his body. SportsCenter will then rerun all night from 12 AM to 7 AM.

Cardinal sports dept. sets radical standard

sport APRIL FOOLS’ DAY, 2012DIRTYBIRD.WISC.EDU

MARTYKLAUSDAFUQ?

ESPN announces major shift to shitty programmingPat Summerall & John MaddenWE LOVE SPORTZZZ, YES WE DO

“I can honestly say this is one of the proudest achievements of my stories career within the walls of

Vilas Hall.”

Nico SavidgeManaging Editor

ONE TEAM.ONE TEAM.ONE GOAL.ONE GOAL.THE FINAL FRONTIERTHE FINAL FRONTIER