Emilie Sylvain-LindsayManaging Editor of Monarchy News

Monday,  May  20,  1591EST.  1385

Carlisle PostQueen Elizabeth was nearly assassinated at the Whitehall Palace in London, England. On !ursday evening, dur-ing the "rst performance of Shakespeare’s Henry V, John Somers, an ac-tor in the Lord Cham-berlain’s men, planned to shoot the Queen with a pistol. Somers’ attempt to kill the Queen was a part of a wider conspir-acy to install a new re-gime in England.

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON QUEEN ELIZABETH

SEE MUTINY, A2

Three Fugitives Still on

the Loose, Authorities Say

Joseph ChenardLeading Sir of Legal Enforcements!ree conspirators, part of a plot to assassinate the Queen, are still on the run. !e men were last seen at Ancro# near the Anglo-Scottish bor-der on the 16th of May.!ese three outlaws are the only conspirators out of 26 not yet ar-rested for the attempted assassination and coup d’état. !e men owe their escape to a sym-pathizer who provided misinformation about their location to the au-thorities. !is allowed the three to $ee across England disguised as monks. During their attempt to cross the border from Ancro# to Scotland, they were sighted, but once again evaded capture. !e Secret Service has released information on the conspirators to the press. !ey have been identi"ed as: Juan Alexandro Julio Diego Carlos José Garcias the !ird, aged 38, a Span-ish nobleman; Sir Rob-ert Uxbridge, aged 36, a Cumberland noble-man; and Edmund

O’Connor, aged 26, an Irish miner. All have previously been sus-pected of treasonous intent, but were never arrested due to a lack of evidence. Sir Robert Cecil, head of her Majesty’s Secret Service, says “We are doing everything pos-sible to catch these criminals.” He added that any information from the public would be appreciated, but warned that the fugi-tives are considered armed and danger-ous. Among captured con-spirators are two well-known men: Sir Phil-lip Morton, dubbed “the most hated man in Cumberland,” and David Vicars, a well-known "gure in Lon-don. Both are to be beheaded later this month.If you have any infor-mation on the fugi-tives, you are encour-aged to contact your local magistrate.Edmund O’Connor Carlos José

Garcias the Third

Sir Robert Uxbridge

Juan Alexandro Julio Diego Who Murdered Marlowe?Christopher Marlowe, the famous playwright, was killed on May 30th, 1593. A waiter orig-inally accused of the murder was proven innocent when an anonymous source con"rmed last Friday that Ingram Frizer, Marlowe’s archenemy, killed Marlowe during an argument in London, England. Francis Meres, friend of Frizer, also attended the dinner that Marlowe had thrown the night of his death. Meres claimed the waiter, Peter Bell, murdered Marlowe during a reli-gious dispute. Further investigations proved conclusively that Frizer killed Marlowe during an argument over the bill. Apparently Marlowe had put all of his pints of ale on Frizer’s bill. Witness-es testi"ed that Marlowe snatched Frizer’s dagger and hit him on the head. !en Frizer stabbed Marlowe above the right eye, killing him instantly.His body was found the next day hidden under a table in the dining room where he and a few friends had eaten.!ree months a#er his arrest, Bell was "nally released from prison. However, Frizer was found not guilty. It was proven that Frizer acted in self-defence a#er Marlowe attacked him with his own dagger. It was Frizer’s life or Marlowe’s. !e court released Frizer a#er a month.Marlowe has since been buried in the churchyard of St. Nicolas, Deptford, England. !e exact location of this grave is unknown. People all over England grieve the death of Marlowe. Mrs. William Desmond declared to !e Carlisle Post that, “Marlowe was the best of them all. It is a shame that he will never write a new play. His Doctor Faustus is a classic.”

Alyssa Frankcom Private Eye

NEWS  2

Continued from A1-When the play started, all went as expected: the Queen was sit-ting in her chair, with no one between her and the stage. Somers was to !re the pistol during the lines: “...the nimble gunner. With linstock now the devilish cannon touches, and down goes all before them.” "e attack was to be done while the cannons were going o# to cover up the sound of the gunshot.Before this could happen, Kath-erine Russell and Peter Brown-rigg arrived in London in time to make sure that the cue for assassination was missed.

“We just made it in time,” said Brownrigg. He and Russell met with the Queen a$erwards and ex-plained the details of the con-spiracy to her.Prior to his capture, Somers was seen peering through the curtains. He was muttering to himself, licking his lower lip nervously. Somers was taken away by two guards, without disruption to the play. Just as the rest of the popula-tion, Russell and Brownrigg were very proud of their ac-tions.

Riot erupts from Political strife – North-erners cry out: down with the Queen!

Yesterday a$ernoon, the North-erners rioted in downtown Lancashire in defence of their traditional ways.

Taking into account the release of coyotes to scare local horses, as well as all the farming tools used to destroy the town square, this riot is by far the most chaos the town has ever seen.

Emilee Duquette

Standing Editor in Chief

Townspeople are going crazy. With signs saying “Down With "e Queen!”,”Team Phillip!” and many other threatening words, they de!nitely caught the Queen’s attention.

“She thinks she can step up and change our traditions. We’re here to prove her wrong!” said Jack Bowing, one of the many northerners rioting.

Northern Rioters met up early Saturday morning and ap-peared as though they were having nothing but a get to-gether with old friends. Later on, they started holding% up signs and aggressively letting the whole town know the true

reason of their presence.

"e anger is getting the better of the people of the south. Lon-don is feeling the e#ects, creat-ing insanity that even the police can’t stop. "e southerners are !ghting back against the North with even more force, using signs saying “Go back where you came from!” and “You’re not welcome here!” "e tension is high.

"e Queen is very relaxed about this situation and believes it will blow over. “"ey’re upset now, but it’s my decisions. "ey can’t change anything,” she ex-claimed.

So far, 51 arrests were made and 38 were hospitalized. Lan-cashire seems to be !lled with mad citizens.

More on the riot to come.

She thinks she can step up and change our

traditions. We’re here to prove her wrong!

Jack BowingMob Member

Carrot-top Killer: Redhead’s Attempt at Child Killing

Tomara Havers

A$er being reported to au-thorities by Richard and Greta Moore, Redhead, a worker of the Virgin Mines, is facing charges for the$, child-abuse and attempt to murder. He will be put on trial Monday a$er-noon.

Two male victims are currently recovering from their many wounds thanks to the hospitali-ty of a Yorkshire couple passing by at the time of the attempted murder.

Mr. Moore’s attention was drawn to the scene when he heard a familiar voice shout-ing loud, threatening words at a group of men. “Redhead and his gang were going to push the

young gentlemen into the pot hole,” he stated. Prior to this, the victims had been thrown o# their master’s horses, beat, and bound, causing bruises and other injuries.

“We’d just seen these young gentlemen the other night at our inn,” Mr. Moore went on telling the press. “We’d warned them all about the dangers that they may cross on their paths, but we failed to mention the &aming redhead.” Mrs. Moore adds. “We felt so bad about the attack that we’ve welcomed the boys back at the inn until they’ve healed completely.”

All those who knew Redhead are puzzled with the fact that the children had not been killed. Mrs. Moore shares.

“T’was before they’d even seen my husband and I that the madmen ran o#, leaving both boys right where they stood. Tis a mystery that saved the young gentlemen!”

Redhead was unavailable for comment. However, his fore-man was able to speak to the press. He explains: “Drunk again, I s’pose. Must’ve been a$er their pence to pay for his !lthy drinking habits. It’s not the !rst time he’s tried some-thing of the sort. He haven’t any soul. Sold [it] to the Devil a while back and he’s paying for it now through punishment.”

Everyone agrees that the cap-ture of the carrot-top killer is going to make the Virgin Mines a safer place for all to travel.

NEWS  3

Young Man’s Patriotism Saves his Life

Nicholas FaderNews Observer

Peter Brownrigg, a brave young man on a courageous journey has survived a death-defying feat in order to save the Queen. Brownrigg risked his own life by swimming the treacherous, dangerous, and terrifying Ulls-water.

Intent on escape, Brownrigg leaped into the dangerous wa-ters and swam until he reached shore. A swim like this is ex-tremely dangerous, but Brown-rigg showed con!dence and dedication. He moved on and succeeded in escape the island.

His problems had initially started when Sir Philip Morton and his gang of crooks decided

to plan an assassination of the Queen.

Brownrigg had attempted to interfere with Morton’s plans and rescue the Queen. But just as Brownrigg discovered some condemning evidence about Morton and his gang, he was knocked out.

"e captors brought Brownrigg to a small island in the Ullswa-ter, where he was waiting to be interrogated by Morton him-self.

Brownrigg says “I’ve had trou-bles with Philip in the past, and I wanted to avoid getting hurt or even killed by this man. So I had to get out of there, fast!”

Northern Rebellion Squashed

Kersten DevooghtSupervising Riot Reporter

"e Northern Rebels were cap-tured for their plan to kill the Queen, "ursday evening, dur-ing the opening of Henry V. Peter Brownrigg and Katherine Russell got there just in time to inform security, who then alerted the northern counties and prevented the planned re-

bellion. "e people of the north were waiting on the plan to assassi-nate the Queen. Sir Philip Mor-ton and a group of conspirators had planned on shooting the Queen at the play. "e northerners are not happy with the Queen’s ways. 52 peo-ple spent one night in jail for rioting in the streets. "e rest were sent home quietly.

Morton’s men were sentenced to life in prison. "ey also clean the castle and do community service as another punishment for their crime. Morton himself is not with us anymore, as he was executed on Friday night.Queen Elizabeth is doing great now – on the lookout for any hiding rebellions! So far, none have been found.

Wanted Horse Thieves

Robert Paul Glysinski

Late last Friday, two of Rupert Armthwaite’s horses were sto-len out of their stables.

Mr. Armthwaite had visitors during the a#ernoon, which he later described as having the air of a couple of delinquents. "ey went into Mr. Armthwaite’s room to make a complaint – the nature of which Mr. Armthwaite does not wish to reveal.

"e ru$ans locked him in his room, jumped out the window and stole his prize-winning horses. "e horses’ saddlebags are also reported to contain various provisions, including half a cold chicken and some money.

Mr. Armthwaite said “While I was going pull the bell cord,

the punks whipped out a gun and aimed it, point blank range, directly at my head. "ey or-dered me to give them the key to the door. "en, they then locked me in and jumped from the window.”

"e bandits that stole Mr. Ar-mthwaite’s horses were two youths, approximately 5 feet in height, wearing dirty old clothes.

"ey were last seen passing through Penrith. "e reward for apprehending these hooli-gans will be 5 pounds and an additional 10 pounds for the return of the horses.

"ey are well-bred paint hors-es. "ey’re about 6 feet tall with genuine leather saddles.

4 LIFESTYLEThe Realities of Acting on the Road

Marisa Campbell

Professional Vagabond

Many people think the life of a traveling actor is glamorous. But, in reality it is very di!-cult. I decided to go with Wil-liam Desmond and his crew traveling through the county of Cumberland this past weekend to see what it’s like to live as an actor on the road.

When Mr. Desmond arrived at Serenity Cafe, our meeting place before the weekend be-gan, he was limping badly. “I had an incident from the past. "ey proved it was broken from the horse’s kick,” Mr. Desmond said.

As we made our way through Kirkstone pass, through the mountains of Cumberland, we were forced to stop and make camp because one of the wheels fell o# the wagon. “It happens all the time,” said Mrs. Desmond. "e roads are dirt,

so when it rained the wagon would get stuck in the mud.

As Mr. Desmond, Henry Smith and "omas Lewis $xed the wagon, Mrs. Desmond and I went looking for our supper. It was quite di!cult $nding food, but fortunately there was a stream with just enough wa-ter to catch some $sh and trees were ripe with apples.

While I was $nishing my sup-per, the group decided to re-hearse their Richard III. “It is di!cult to learn these plays, rehearse, and perform them in such a short time period,” Mrs. Desmond said. “But somehow we always seem to get them down,” she added cheerfully.

Mr. Desmond and his wife told many stories about the old crew they’d traveled with before: the mystery of Kit Marlowe, the ad-ventures with Peter Brownrigg and Katherine Russell, and all

of their wonderful plays.

Watching the troupe perform Richard III on my last night, the

puritan spectators were terrible, booing, hissing and throwing tomatoes onto the stage. Lewis had to dodge one aimed right at his head!

Luckily, those who did enjoy the performance were very nice and o#ered us food.

Housewives of the HillsChloe Hall

Socialite Activities

"is passing summer, in the Yorkshire hills, $ve young wives came together to create festi-vals, rum butter contests, and most of all: drama. "ey call themselves the ‘’Housewives of "e Hills.’’While $ve yeti men of the hills spend their summer days work-ing hard and getting dirty, their women are le% behind, to make rum butter and chicken stew. But instead of returning home to overworked broads, they would come back to $ve young ladies living large, every night. "ese $ve social divas, Mad-eline Smith, Victoria Gladwin, Elisabeth Kinsey, Mary Lewis and Caroline Alrey, get togeth-er and go out on the town, at-tending every play nearby. A%er a while, the posse of $ve decided they needed a name and were soon known as the Housewives of the Hills."e newly infa-mous clique has been promoted at every social event imaginable: the bear baiting com-petition, the mar-riage of Katherine Russell and Peter Brownrigg, even

the Queen’s tea party.At these events, the group was always spotted in fabulous dresses and showing polite atti-tude. Even the Queen has taken a liking to these prima donnas. ‘’We would never expect to be featured in the news. We are just $ve young yeti wives. We come from the woods, but we can certainly stir up some village drama!’’ says member Caroline Alrey, who refuses to comment on the rumor that they have hairy legs. She has attracted a lot of drama lately. Watch out! "is hot tamale could be creep-ing up on your husband!As the summer comes to an end, we hope to see more from these babeshows! Congratu-lations on all the success girl, xoxo.

I refuse to comment on the

rumor that we have hairy legs

Coraline AlreyBurgeoning Diva

Caroline  Alrey,  above,  along  with  four  friends  make  up  the  now-infamous  quintet.

5 LIFESTYLE

Who’s Rum Butter Will Win?

Hamlet or Scamlet?Dade MossTheatre Critic

William Shakespeare, London’s biggest writer, is quite the poet. Or is he? Shakespeare, known for his masterpieces, has been accused by many as a “man who never writes his own work.” !e English writer has recently been accused by fellow writers of being a “Forger,” a “Liar” and a “!ief.” Most fans, though, disagree.

!e man from Stratford has frequently been seen with two young boys, who witnesses say might be his main ghostwrit-

ers.

Other people have seen him with Richard Burbage, owner of the Globe !eater. !ey also saw one of the young boys exchanging a copy of Henry V for a shilling with from a man in a yellow jacket.

!ough many people believe this tale, others, including my-self, believe his work is original and authentic.

We have statements from three di"erent people.

A fellow writer commented:

“!e man’s a fraud; he does not deserve this fame.”

Colleagues have defended these attacks with such com-ments as “!e man was a genius during our school years. I saw him write Romeo & Juliet with my own eyes. ”

Exclusively for this publication, I have obtained a statement from Shakespeare himself say-ing “If this was their work, they would have been #nished it by now.”

I leave this to the readers to decide, Hamlet or Scamlet?

Kit and Peter: Marriage of the Decade

Kyra LesterExecutive of Executive’s Romances

Cries of joy erupt as Katherine “Kit” Russell and Peter Brown-rigg share their #rst kiss as a married couple. June 16th, proves to be a day of pure joy at Westminster Abbey Cathe-dral where the famous couple shared their perfect wedding with their many friends and the wonderful Queen Elizabeth. !e young couple bonded a few years ago over acting, be-ing on the road and saving the Queen from Sir Philip Morton’s attempted assassination. How-ever, it wasn’t quite love at #rst sight, with Russell pretending to be a boy and all. But a$er the secret was revealed, Brownrigg was truly relieved, for he could now show Russell a"ection in the public eye.Brownrigg loved the way Rus-sell was so strong-minded; whereas she loved that he let her be independent, but was al-ways there to defend her. A few years, a$er their #rst adventure, they fell desperately in love and couldn’t see themselves with anyone else.

He proposed to Russell on a beautiful sunshine #lled day, just one year ago. Of course she accepted! !ey spent a little over a year engaged in complete happiness. Now, on this beautiful day, they have been blessed in holy mat-rimony, to love each other from now, until forevermore.Queen Elizabeth has o"ered to pay for the wedding. “I knew they were perfect for one an-other the moment I met them!” anounces the Queen about their marriage.She has also o"ered to house Russell and Brownrigg as her own children, but they politely declined, as they will be mov-ing into their beautiful house by Ullswater. !e Queen and their dear friend, William Shakespeare, wish the couple the best in their life together, which everyone knows will be #lled with many adventures. We can’t wait to see if they will be raising little rascals any time soon!

Woman in HidingSarina BondExposés and Libel

Travelling actress Katherine (Kit)

Russell has been spotted dressing

as a gentleman.

Russell adopted the disguise

while running from her guardian’s

home to join William Desmond’s

theatre company. She originally

joined their company to

make money but then her

acting became a hit because

of how authentic she looked

dressed as a woman.

She confessed she was able

to keep her identity a secret

while living on the road by

getting up earlier than the

others to bathe.

While disguised, Russell wore the

Classic Lower Class Men’s style.

In order to avoid consequences

life, she respected the Sumptuary

Laws: she dressed appropriately

for her social status.

During our interview she said, “I

Though I have the weak body of a woman, I have the heart and

stomach of a man!

Katherine (Kit) RussellTravelling Actress

had to dress like a man so I had

to adapt to the treatment.” For

instance, part of adapting meant

refusing the aid of men when

mounting a horse.

Russell also revealed to us that

when Queen Elizabeth scolded

her on how unladylike it is to

dress of the opposite sex, she

replied “Your Majesty, there are

no words better than your own:

Though I have the weak body of

a woman, I have the heart and

stomach of a man!”

Nowadays she is living in Cum-

berland and is back to wearing her

regular style of clothing, such as

gowns and skirts.

Dariel GomezCulinary Columnist

the second annual Rum butter

cook-off! This is where the best

cooks in England put their skills to

the test for a chance to win a spot

at Whitehall Palace as the Queen’s

pastry cook. The competition be-

gan at 12 o’ clock in London’s

town square on the 15th of April,

1599.

The concluding round was a close

hour to prepare a desert, with rum

butter added to it in any way.

planned to make some scrump-

tious cookies topped with spiced

rum butter. The second cook, Lou-

ise Jemima, had planned to make

a small, creamy, sweet rum-butter-

The two cooks were off to a great

start: both mixing ingredients to-

gether with great precision. But,

the stress caused a slight amount

of mistakes: Jemima added too

much rum to her cake, and Mac-

Donald added too much sugar to

her cookie mix.

fabulous and were delicious, so it

was a tough decision for the judg-

es. After some deliberation, they

made up their mind and declared

MacDonald the winner, due to the

-

ie’s topping.

The cake was also very good, but

the judges ultimately decided it

was a little too sweet.

Unfortunately for Jemima, she

didn’t win the competition. But

on the bright side, there is always

next year. Plus, she will be a tough

competitor to beat! She has dem-

onstrated a lot of enthusiasm for

cooking, which is a great thing

to have when you are competing

against many other contestants

with the same goal.

Hopefully, next year’s cook-off

will be as interesting and exciting

as this year’s.

6 LIFESTYLE

Aries March 21-April 19 – You will be emotionally in!uenced by a certain Englishman’s superior horse saddle. Beware of an under-seasoned meal; it risks dampening your weekly temperament. A meeting with friends will highlight your week.

Taurus April 20-May 20 – Future travels may provide less than ideal amenities. Bring a pillow. Financial collapse is on the horizon; a meeting with your "nancial advisor is recommended. On the bright side, you will capture the attention of a new suitor.

Gemini May 21 – June 20 – In the near future, your job will o#er opportunity to travel. Huzzah! Be wary of the commitments you make this week: you don’t want to get locked into unpleasant, repetitious manual labour. When in doubt, just say nay.

Cancer June 21 – July 22 – An intriguing gourmet experience will present itself late in the week. Conversation will ensue. Sensitive topics may be breached: avoid talking about the thatched roof. On that note, beseech Jove for precipitation. You will reap what you sow.

Leo July 23 – August 22 – An opportunity for hearty competition will pique your interest. Preparation – both mental and physical – is essential if you wish to succeed. Your impeccable taste in hose will be the talk of the county. Let others bene"t from you extensive knowledge. Tip generously.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 – $e village idiot will inspire a strong emotive response on your part. Do not allow his outrageousness to permute your sensibility. Your week will take a positive turn when a family member volunteers time and e#ort to your endeavours. Make a list.

Libra September 23 – October 22 – $e weekly spiritual or religious convocation will provide an opportunity for intellectual debate. Others’ Sunday Best is sure to inspire alterations to your "nery. Avoid criticising the lesser caste: it may lead to an embarrassing predicament.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 – Someone special will take note

of your air of mystery. $ings will most certainly be taken to another level. An unfortunate incident with your purse will put you in a compromising position. Be wary of those from whom you ask help.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 – Boundaries may be crossed, forcing you to act more conservatively. Don’t let an argument dampen your enthusiasm. $ere are plenty of ways to unwind. Food, drink, and good conversation are in order. $e local tavern beckons.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 – Your professional pursuits are invaluable to the community. However, if you want to avoid the stocks, ensure your personal matters are kept out of the public eye. Seek comfort in your home life; it will put things in perspective.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 – Fortuitous weather conditions will brighten your demeanour. $is could mean several things. Interesting new acquaintances may be introduced to your social circle. Do not let the whims and fancies of others’ lock you into unwanted commitment.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 – You will be delighted by the romantic possibilities a particular lieu presents to you this week. Capitalize on positive relationships and exclude sti#, uptight, magisterial "ends. Water lilies are the background music of poetry.

Today is the 21st Annivesary of the modern Atlas - read your fortune as carefully as this map

Providence Today

Your Money

or the Mine’s?

Last Tuesday the Virgin Mine collapsed due to a tornado. For the people of London, this means taxes will be collected to help restore the Mine.

Households will be losing up to 6% of their wealth within the next couple months. $e ad-ditional taxes will be collected on Tuesday mornings with the usual ones.

Mrs. Sarah Cardinal, mother of 11 says ‘’$e collapse is going to strongly a#ect our family be-cause I’m not sure that we will have enough money for the es-sentials, such as food. We might only be eating a meal or two a day as opposed to three or four.”

$e Virgin Mine collapse is a major downfall for investors because they will be making no pro"t until the Mine is repaired.

$e town needs to clean up the mess so that the people of the town can go back to living their lives worry-free.

Hannah Martin

Finances and Fineries

Running for Your LifeThe Health Bene!ts of Fleeing to the Hills

Running does more than get you killer legs!

Running has many health ben-e"ts. It’s now the season to get a great workout. So run the hills, enjoy the sport and get "t!

Going for a run is a great car-diovascular workout, especially while running uphill. $e in-cline helps the blood !ow to the heart, thus achieving an excel-lent heart rate.

Practicing this sport regularly strengthens and tones your hip, leg and back muscles. A local hill runner, Peter Brownrigg states “I had noticed a remark-able change in my calve mus-

cles: very toned and lean.”

Having a runner's body is to your advantage. It not only keeps the doctor away, but it's handy for farm work too!

$is type of exercise may sup-ply an overall good physical condition, but it also has mental health bene"ts, such as relax-ation and reduction of anxiety. Mr. Brownrigg, also mentioned that “I was being chased by two unruly and mean men up the hill. I felt my anxiety had al-most disappeared once I began to run. I had one clear mind.”

Another perk of running would

be the remarkable weight loss. Studies show that a 160- pound person running three times a week for one hour will burn 2, 958 calories. With all that weight loss, you are sure to look good in those hose!

Ape-like ancestors contributed to the evolution of the sport of running because they needed to run long distances to hunt animals. Also, the ability to run shaped the human anatomy, making us look the way we do today.

($e two unruly and mean men have decided to remain un-named.)

Dru Guggisberg

Editor in Chief - Public Health

7SPORTSBUSINESS

Earlier this year, Leonard Digg-

es, a young engineer from Carl-

isle, created a revolutionary new

product. It’s called a perspective

glass and it should be available to

London’s public in mere months.

This product was designed so you

would be able to see at very long

range without having to get any

closer.

This amazing new product was in-

vented for the purpose of scouting

for the British Military Forces.

Initially, they were unsure whether

they could use this product. They

decided they would when they

heard it was thoroughly tested by

the Queen’s Protective Service.

Special Agent Price, a highly

ranked agent for the Queen said

“It’s a great product, I don’t know

what we did without it.” He also

noted that it was crucial during

the mission to stop the murder of

Queen Elizabeth.

For the public, the perspective

glass means having the opportuni-

ty to snoop around in your neigh-

bour’s business. You will be able

The Perspective GlassChanging The Way We Look At Technology

Kirk SmithSpectacles Speculator

This Year’s Bear Baiting Competition

This year's annual bear-baiting

competition will be held in Cum-

berland, hosted by the generous

Brownrigg family through the

months of April and May. This

tradition will be a spectacle with

“new and old competitors, and

more bears then ever,” says Peter

Brownrigg, youngest son of the

Brownriggs.

For those who don't know, this

rugged sport essentially con-

sists of groups of bears that are

captured from the forest and

maintained in arenas, also called

bear-gardens. This is a circular,

high-fenced area, referred to as

"pit", with raised seating along the

perimeter for spectators.

A bear is chained to a post set in

the ground towards an edge of the

pit, either by a leg or by the neck.

Then, a number of well-trained

hunting dogs, usually pit bulls,

would be set loose on it, being

replaced as they become tired,

wounded or killed by the im-

mense, angry creature.

Nicholas Elinton quotes “My

pit bulls have been training for

months for this event. They’re

so vicious that they have to be

chained outside of my house away

from my family.”

Bear baiting has been condemned

by the puritans on many occasions

this year. Not because they think

it's a cruel useless, sport though,

but because it is occasionally held

on Sundays.

However, since Henry VIII was

a fan and had a pit constructed at

Whitehall, Queen Elizabeth grew

I spy with my little eye an inovative piece of consummer technology!

Ariana Quintanilla

Investors Wanted

Sir William Shakespeare hereby

declares that he needs investors

for the franchising of his suc-

cessful Globe Theatre. The new

theatre - dubbed the “Mars The-

atre” - will be located in Carlisle.

The Lord Chamberlain’s

Men will need to raise

several thousand

pounds in order

to build this

mighty ver-

sion of the

Globe.

When

Shake-

speare and

his Lord

Chamber-

lain’s Men

Globe Theatre, he

made money every day.

But there were very few investors

due to unavailability. Now he has

a unique opportunity, with the

proposed Mars Theatre.

The “Globe Squared” (a local

nickname) is just an idea. There

are no blueprints, schematics or

materials ready. No one is sure if

it will go up.

"The theatre will have to become

THE place to hang out for this to

work," says Jim Kirkstone,

insurance mogul and

supporter of the

theatre. "As of

yet, it just

doesn't have

enough sup-

porters,"

Kirkstone

continues.

As there

are still not

very many

investors, there

is little evidence

to suggest the Mars

Theater will be built.

This theatre would be great for

the local economy. We'll write a

follow-up as we get more infor-

mation.

Joshua ShandPublic Investments Peon

to see what they are doing at any

given moment.

However, some are saying that

this product will be a huge inva-

sion of privacy. Mr. Thompson, a

Cumberland resident had this to

say: ‘’We have enough problems

on our own, we don`t need to be

worrying about our neighbours

snooping in our personal matters.’’

Either way, they are going to be

selling very well.

Be on the lookout for this product

because they are going to be sell-

ing fast to citizens.

fond of the entertainment as well

and it features regularly in her

tours.

Tickets for the event in Cumber-

land will be sold in stores in Cum-

berland, Penrith and all through-

out England. Be quick and get

your tickets now! This is an event

you won't want to miss.

Man dies after being

stabbed in the leg by rooster during po-

lice raid on illegal cock!ght

The Legend of the Rose-Noble

Trial’s Verdict: Sir Phillip to be Decapitated!

NEED KNOW  82

Sir Phillip Morton, convicted of high treason against the royal Queen, will be decapitated one week from today, on top of Tower hill, at sunset.Morton and 26 other conspira-tors from the north attempted an assassination on the Queen during the premier of Shake-speare’s Henry V, just last week.Two days before the attempt, Morton, one of the main con-spirators, was captured, along with four others; they were ap-prehended by two young boys,

Peter Brownrigg and Kit Kirk-stone, and a local traveling the-atre group, owned by Mr. Wil-liam Desmond.“We had to put on a good show to catch him,” announced Mr. Desmond. Morton then remained in a lo-cal jail until the Queen was pre-pared to start the trial. !e defendant refused to co-operate during the hearing and had to be escorted out multiple times. !is resulted in many lashes.Even with all the money and power he had obtained, Morton was no match for the Queen’s

Dominique GoudreaultWriter of Wrongdoings

Rose-Nobles are believed to possess special powers that ward o" witchcra#. Since 1344, the nineteen-and-sixpence piece has been a valuable asset for travelers on their journeys around England.

Legend tells that, long ago, a wicked warlock named Ichabod Vangoosellhog and his twitchy, witch of a wife, Ursula, had be-come disgusted with each oth-er. !eir loathingstems from a spell that Ursula’s sister, Millicent, had cast upon them both.

Nineteen days and six hours a#er the spell was cast, Van-goosellhog decided that he had had enough, not only of his wife, but of all witches that lurked the land. He forged a golden coin created with many unearthly ingredients, includ-ing the blood of a unicorn, the tongue of a basilisk, the screech of a raven, the limbs of a taran-tula, the breath of a dragon and

advocates, who quickly won the trial.!e traitor was $nally charged with attempted murder in the $rst degree, high treason against royalty, and even o%cial misconduct (for abusing his power).!e Queen decided to com-mence the sentencing trial im-mediately, $nishing yesterday with the verdict of death row.“I was just trying to make change for the better!” said Morton a#er hearing the judge’s verdict.He was unavailable for further comment.“I always knew he was a bad egg,” exclaimed Morton’s moth-er, Gertrude Claudice Morton.Since the plot was discovered, 23 of 26 conspirators have been captured. Twelve awaiting trial; eleven will live a long life as prisoners. Eleven men will spend life in prison - Sir Philip Morton will not.– the most potent ingredient – a

bouquet of fresh roses.

!e coin was then cursed by Vangoosellhog to burn, from the inside out, any witch that approached it. Unfortunately for him, it turns out the curse works on witches and warlocks alike.

Although many believe the legend is valid, there are also a great amount of ladies and gentleman who think that it is completely ridiculous.

Take for instance, Hortence Bigglebart – a woman from the north – who had a rather em-barrassing experience with her stepmother, a few years back. "!e moment my father had in-troduced her to my brother and I, I knew that she was a witch. !e coin did not help me at all. !e legend is hogwash," said Mrs Bigglebart.

!e legend could very well be just another old wives tale…Or is it true?

Dixon Auger-PennesiMaster of Magical Musings

A 35-year-old man has died in hospital a#er being stabbed in the thigh by a cock-$ghting rooster.

Mosha Kourp was injured by a sharp blade that was attached to the bird’s leg as a part of the cock-$ghting tournament. Knives are added to the roost-ers to make the contest more violent.

Mr. Kourp was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital shortly a#er su"ering the inju-ry. Doctors were unable to save him.

Police said he was among a

group of men attending the il-legal cock$ght. He was fatally stabbed in the thigh.

Mr. Kourp had a previous arrest for owning a cock-$ghting bird.

It is believed he was the owner of one the birds taking part in the $ght, and had been at-tempting to scoop the bird up when police arrived.

Police found $ve dead roost-ers at the scene and believe as much as £10,000 was being gambled on the $ghts.

''I have never seen this type of incident,'' said Sergeant John Russi, a 24-year veteran with the local police force.

Latashia DutcherExpert on Avian Affairs

Rose-Nobles are as effective as houses for witch-killing.