the 14 silent struggles.pdf

Introduction

- THE 14 SILENT STRUGGLES: You Thought No One Else Understood -

My name is Andy. Im a musician, writer, and podcaster. I am also a social introvert and Highly Sensitive Personoh and a part time undertaker.

Over the past few years I have been sharing my own stories and struggles to encourage and inspire introverts and sensitive types through my website Sheep Dressed Like Wolves. In fact you may well be reading this because of it.

Something that comes up over and over in the many emails I receive from readers and listeners to the podcast is this sense of wow, I thought it was just me who experienced this. And as I continue to share my own attempts to make my gentle impact in a noisy world I see how it helps validate the experiences of readers, and provides an ally within these previously silent struggles.

I felt like it would be useful to draw together into one place these silent stru!les that I have written about over the past couple of years.

It is my hope therefore that this book will serve as a helpful introduction to and overview of 14 common struggles; that you will experience validation from knowing youre not alone if you experience any of them. Each struggle is taken from a blog post or podcast from Sheep Dressed Like Wolves. I have provided links so that you can delve deeper if you like.

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01 Imposter Syndrome


Do you ever feel out of your depth; like a fraud, asking who the hell do I think I am trying to be a part of this?

Impostor Syndrome is the feeling that any day now youll be exposed. It feels like youre somewhere you arent equipped to be: everyone else knows what theyre doing and you are punching above your weight in a place you dont belong.

This is something many of us experience. We feel like impostors in many areas of our own lives.

An impostor is a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain.

Thereforeyou are not an impostor. The fact that you worry that you are one shows that you are not. You are genuine.

So, when youre feeling out of your depth, like an outsider or an impostor, remind yourself of this truth. You are not pretending to be something youre not. You are learning. You are curious. You are interested. You are passionate.

and so is everyone else.

The world needs people to be open about this struggle because it encourages, validates, and inspires others who experience it tooin other words, nearly all of us.

5From: Help! I Feel Like an Impostor

02 Busy-ness


The modern world places crazy demands on us to be busy. All the time.

But what if busy-ness was actually a sign that we have got life terribly wrong? A signpost of failure, rather than this idea that if youre not filled to capacity youre not doing enough.

Maybe this is how you feel. You become paralysed by the idea that you should be busy, that every minute of your day must be filled. You want instead to live in alignment with your desire for calmness, peace, and rest but this is not encouraged, accepted, or celebrated by society.

The truth is, the world needs your voice now more than ever before. We need people to show us how to slow down. How to take our time and regain much needed margin in our lives that lead to health, wellbeing, and creativity.

The Busy Bubble is the enemy of our relationships, creativity, spontaneity, fun, relaxation, health and wellbeing. It stands between where we are and the place we long to be deep down; doing more of what truly matters to us.

This stems from fear of: rejection, judgement, missing out, and boredom.

Set an example to the world. Stand up against the celebration of busy.

7From: 5 Fears that Trap You Inside the Busy Bubble

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03 Gentleness


Despite what you might have been led to believe, there is nothing that shows strength more profoundly than your gentleness.

It might sound a little bit odd. It may come across as some kind of a contradiction, but if you think about it for just a minute it makes sense.

Strength is the ability to do things that need a lot of physical or mental eort. Its the choice to continue through the pain even when it feels unbearably hard.

Gentleness breeds peace, calm, and consistency of character. It is not volatile or abrupt in its response to the world.

Gentleness is strength because it remains constant and clear-minded across all manner of situations.

There is nothing strong about the person who is quick to lose temper and resort to aggression and violence in their spirit, words, and action. This is anything but strength, it is in fact a display of profound weakness.

Gentleness is an act of rebellion.

It stands counter to the expectations of a quick tempered, blame-fuelled culture where we want to take our frustrations out by criticising others, shirking responsibility, and fearing and fighting anyone or any way of life that we dont understand or subscribe to.

9From: Gentleness is Strength: The 7 Habits of Highly Gentle People

04 Sensitivity


It can be hard to talk about the idea of sensitivity.

The word sensitive has so many connotations and conjure dierent mental pictures for everyone, many times negative. We often unconsciously associate it with being too emotional, having thin skin or needing to man up.

These are the cultural constructs that surround sensitivity and so when we think about the idea of high processing sensitivity or highly sensitive people we jump straight to the view that sensitivity equates to weakness or a naivety/lack of self-control/inability to cope with reality.

It took a while before I began to recognise myself in the traits of a highly sensitive person, simply because of the word sensitive.

It didnt sound like something I was or even wanted to be. I rarely cry, enjoy consuming gritty, scary, thought-provoking art, and love competitive sport, especially rugby. Given all of this, I couldnt possibly be sensitivecould I?

But sensitivity is ingrained, its how we process the world and perceive reality. It is about noticing and observing things more acutely and feeling things deeply, often seeing things that others might overlook, and getting distracted and drained by environmental sensory input like sights, sounds, and smells.

It is NOT weakness, it is a very necessary societal asset that we are often quick to suppress and destroy. The world needs people with dierent sensitivities to keep it in check, moving forwards in a positive, creative, and empathic way. Embrace your sensitivity.

11From: Lets Learn to Talk About Sensitivity

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05 Criticism


Whatever choices you make, whatever you attempt to do, even if you decide youre going to hide away and do nothing, its safe to say there will be someone ready and willing to criticise you.

But the biggest critic in our lives is usually staring back at us in the mirror. And oddly enough hearing other people criticise us can often act as a catalyst of permission to jump on board and start beating yourself up.

The greatest struggle may not be external. It is not found in other people who stand in our way and tell us were not good enough. Rather, its our own vulnerability, doubt, fear, uncertainty that is simply amplified, reinforced and given the permission to manifest when we hear external criticism.

So, remember the Ethel Barrett quote: we would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do, and keep doing what youre doing.

According to research by Roy Baumeister at Florida State University it takes about five positive events to make up for one negative events. He found that even happy people tend to remember more negative events than positive ones.

The way we perceive things in our own heads will always seem worse than they are.

13From: 5 Methods for Handling Criticism for the Introverted and Highly Sensitive Person

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06 Conviction


Empathic people do not see the world in black and white but as a series of grey areas. To certain people this can seem like a lack of conviction, a fear of taking sides, or a sketchy wishy washy attitude towards life.

It might not sit well with modern politics and the polemic media we are so used to now. But empathy is truly one of the few hopes we have for the future of humanity. It is a tool and discipline that we never truly finish learning, and one that we must always keep sharp.

Roman Krznaric makes the point that we ALL experience empathy, possibly without realising. We know exactly what it is

When youve been arguing with someone (a family member, partner, work-co$eague etc) and you think to yourself: ahh I wish they could just understand my point of view. I wish they understood what I was feeling.

We have all felt that. And when we have, what is it that we are after from that person?Empathy.

We want the other person to experience the situation through our eyes, to see the world from where were standing.

We must stand firm in our ability to see the world in all its wonderful technicolour and help others to experience that too.

15From: Before You Leave the House, Sharpen Your Empathy Saw

07 Group Work


I dont enjoy being forced to work within large groups, especially when there is no good apparent reason for it. Yet we see it happening more and more.

What about you?

Do you need time to come up with ideas, to reflect, to think?

If youre introverted then chances are this is true for you and you find the pressure to develop and work in a group environment counter to your nature.

I come up with my best work when Im alone. Not out of choice, but its just what happens, especially if I am trying to get my head around a new topic, skill etc. I am far more creative when Im on my own, in my own space, with self-regulated time constraints.

Before I am comfortable sharing with a group I like to know exactly what I am talking about, be confident that I can deal with questions about it and be sure I can hold others to account for what they are saying too.

How do you respond when someone puts you on the spot and asks what do you think about all this? in the middle of a discussion? I really dont enjoy thinking in front of people like this, especially when someone is pushing me to come up with something on the spot. I need to go through the process of brainstorming ideas alone so that I can laugh at the bad stu that comes out, filter it and then take a slightly more reasonable list to the group after much time pondering and the building of self-confidence.

For many of us the obsession with team work, open plan oces, and free-spirited creative collaboration oers no space for us to step away on our own. It can be detrimental to the confidence of those like us who need that time and space to truly flourish.

17From: Badly Designed Group Work is Detrimental to Introverts

08 Social Hangover


Dehydrated, empty, tired, flat, counting down the seconds until I can crawl back under the duvet. I recognise this feeling. Im hungover.

Except

I didnt drink anything yesterday.

As a sensitive introvert I came to realise that Ive experienced social hangovers all my life. I just didnt know what they were.

Awareness has been enlightening: understanding that how I spend my time will cost me dierent amounts of energy. This gives us the foundation to budget our energy and spend it on the things and people that we actually care about and want to invest in.

Dont fight the hangover. Dont hide from it. Use it to learn about yourself and become aware of your natural response so that you can increase your eectiveness and embrace the truth of your finite energy reserves.

19From: 5 Ways to Cope When You Suffer from The Social Hangover

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09 Conflict


Judith and Richard Glaser talk about the diering chemical reactions from two types of interactions we may have.

Negative, critical or confrontational conversations lead our bodies to produce higher levels of cortisol, which shuts down the thinking centre of our brains and activates conflict aversion and protection behaviours. This is what leaves us feeling beaten up and perceiving even greater judgment and negativity than actually exists.

Apparently these eects can last for 26 hours or more, imprinting the interaction on our memories and magnifying the impact it has on our future behaviour. Cortisol functions like a sustained-release tablet the more we ruminate about our fear, the longer the impact.

Positive interactions on the other hand produce oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that elevates our ability to communicate, collaborate and trust others by activating networks in our prefrontal cortex. The eects of oxytocin are unfortunately not as long lasting as those of cortisol.

Knowing what eect dierent interactions is paramount. Conflict is not something that sits comfortably with many of us and its easy to see why when we view it in the context of biology. Which relationships, activities and situations in your life may produce cortisol? What can you do to lessen their impact?

21From: Not All Conversations are Born Equal: Find the Good Ones

10 Injustice


When I was young I was confused by the phrase love your neighbour as yourself. I mean, what if I dont love myself? If I dislike myself then does that mean I can dislike other people?

Over time it became clear to me that it is not a command, rather it is a statement of fact; the way we view others is a reflection of how we view ourselves. In other words truly loving other people is only possible when we are comfortable with ourselves.

How we feel towards ourselves is the pool from which our attitude towards other people flows.

For many of us we feel more inclined to stand up for others than we are for ourselves. This is wonderful and the world needs people like you.

Ask yourself what it is you feel beating in your heart? Recognise the power that it has within you and speak up about it.

It is important for introverts and sensitive types to develop the discipline of speaking up. I dont know about you but I find it a lot easier to speak up on behalf of others. Use this inclination to develop this important tool in your kitbag.

23From: Why Self-Care is The Key Foundation to Loving Others

11 Multipotentialism


Are you a Multipotentialite? I didnt realise I was until I read an article by Emilie Wapnick a few years ago.

A multipotentialite is someone with many interests and creative pursuits in life. Its natural for many of us not to feel called to one particular path, career, passions and to embrace and thrive in a world of many interests and pursuits.

They may experience a cyclical pattern where they become interested in an area, dive in deep, get good at it, but then get bored and move on to something else. This is not a flaw. In fact its natural for many of us despite the fact we may be considered lacking commitment, flakey and lacking attention.

The truth is there are many many people who align with this. But it is not generally accepted by the priorities and understanding of society.

Multipotentialism might look dierent for everyone, but according to Emilie, the founder of puttylike.com, the thing we have in common is the drive for meaning and variety. When life has enough of each of these we feel like we have purpose and that we are on the right course.

25From: How to Turn Multiple Interests into a Sustainable Living

12 Perfectionism


One of the biggest struggles we may experience when it comes to expressing ourselves comes from the pressure we often put on ourselves to be perfect.

We think that in order to be creative and express ourselves we have to be perfect before we can bring it out into the world.

This is a lie. Creativity is a living element of you. It needs movement to flourish. When someone clings to needing to be perfect before expressing themselves creatively they become paralysed and in many ways hand over their personal power to fear.

Release some of that block: anytime you start something new/get into the messy middle of it, give yourself permission to remove perfect from your vocabulary. In this sense perfect is both a driving force and a stumbling block. Our desire for perfection is what makes great things happen but unless we allow ourselves to let go it will never mean anything.

Re-define Perfect

Perfect can be drawing something in an abstract way that doesnt look like you thought it would inside your head. But perfection is the fact you MADE a movement and explored it further. THAT is what is perfect.

Challenge Assumptions. Explore. Experiment.

27From: Is Perfectionism Crippling Your Creative Development?

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13. Mirroring


I have a tendency to mirror moods.

When someone is complaining, I often find myself joining them in a soon-to-become spiralling vortex of negativity. Even if Im not feeling particularly bad about things myself, it seems easier to mirror the vibes being thrown my way.

I think lots of us are probably like that, and it does have some very positive uses. It can be used empathically to help people feel accepted and understood.

But it can also result in an unhealthy acceptance of negativity.

It is easier to talk about life in negative terms because we dont have to defend it. People accept it. Its the status quo. But when you say actually Im really enjoying things at the moment, even work is good a guilt can creep in. You dont want to rub anyone elses face in it, and theres even a part of you that doesnt want you to enjoy what you do.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

We have a common understanding that there are many aspects of life that suck. This is not an epiphany. Disease, poverty, death, suering etc. They are all a part of life that we all have to face up to. All of us.

Why dont we cut one another some slack then?

The most inspiring people I know are those who have faced the very worst kinds of adversity in their lives yet still live like the world is a beautiful place of mystery and exploration. These people aren't naively positive. They know only too well what life is capable of throwing their way.

They embrace instead their opportunity to choose how they will respond and not to be owned by the situation.

29From: Do You Mirror Moods and Accept Negativity Without Realising?

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14 Meaning and Purpose


Are you someone who needs your work to be provide you with more than simply a way to pay the bills?

You have a deep need for your occupation(s) to give your life a real sense of meaning and purpose.

Some people may sco at the prospect of such luxury: if only life were like that, no one likes their job, just suck it up and get on with it, they might say. But deep down you know that you need to do something that actually matters, something that makes a dierence.

Perhaps you sometimes wonder whether you missed a meeting. Your dreams and ambitions are not always understood by those around you.

Meaning and purpose is something we find for ourselves. It is not defined in the same way for everyone and so takes time to uncover. In fact it is a lifelong process.

A few years ago I worked with someone who had become very ill with a brain tumour. I helped with some jobs around the house (mainly cleaning) until he sadly passed away. I will never forget one of my first encounters with him. He asked me what my main occupation was.

He abruptly stopped me when I started talking about other work I was doing for money. He said yes yes, but whats your main occupation? What do you spend your time thinking about and doing when you have the choice?

Wow! I was thrown. No one had ever asked me that before.

Have you noticed that people are usually only interested in how we make a living, not in how we make our life? We can help others to think about what brings them their own sense of meaning and purpose, encouraging them to think deeper than lifes materialistic surface.

31From: Being an Introvert is No More Defining than Being Left Handed

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Conclusion


Edmund Burke once said:The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing

We all have a deep drive within us to make the world a better place for ourselves and others. We live with a hope and a dream, that one day things will be better than they are.

But its not always easy, reality doesnt always play out in the way we think it should.

People arent always what they seem and we might get disappointed and struggle to maintain the motivation to keep showing up, to keep bringing our true selves to the world.

Despite the fact that we long to make a dierence and our conscience notices things around us that we are desperate to change, we get stalled. We can get in our own way. Fear, anxiety, and overwhelm cause us to step down, to apologise and downplay who we are, what we feel, and ultimately the desire and belief that positively transforming ourselves and the world around us is a possibility.

Every single one of us carries something important within; a powerful potential: to be able to make a positive impact on someone else's day. This is your art. It is your choice. And those fears and apprehensions that you feel? Youre not alone.

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WHAT NEXT? Its time to use embrace your struggles, use them, and continue to make your gentle impact on a world that will be better for it.

You have a unique voice, a completely individual perspective, and a message that someone somewhere needs to hear.

Youre not alone with these struggles despite how it may feel.

QUESTION: which of the 14 struggles hold you back from making your impact? Id love to hear from you so please feel welcome to email me with your response.

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if you just wait for the perfect moment to start then you are going to keep waiting forever.

Cover Icon Credit: StressbyAenneBrielmannfromtheNounProject

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