sustainable parenting: preventing, recognizing, & healing parent burnout; 4/28/2012 -90 minutes

Sustainable Parenting: Preventing, Recognizing, &

Healing Parent Burnout

Beki An Sciacca, M.A. Certified Beyond Consequences Trainer

Radical Acceptance Parenting Serviceswww.RadicalAcceptanceParenting.com

[email protected]

http://www.radicalacceptanceparenting.com/

www.RadicalAcceptanceParenting.com 2

Parent Burnout: Impact on the Family

The ability to develop a relationship is dependent on the state of regulation.

Without regulation, a child cannot connect in relationship with a parent figure.

Without regulation, a parent cannot provide a safe base for the child to connect in relationship.

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If Momma (& Poppa) ain’t happy,ain’t nobody happy!

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If one member of the family is dysregulated, everybody in the family is dysregulated.


In times of Stress…•Our thinking becomes confused and distorted

•Our short-term memory becomes impaired

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Stress

Regress4/28/2012

www.RadicalAcceptanceParenting.com 6www.BeyondConsequences.com

The Space to ChooseStimul

us

Response4/28/2012


Parent Burnout: Are you a candidate?What IS Parent Burnout?

Feelings of hopelessnessFocus on the Past (exhaustion) & the Future (fear &

dread), crowding out the Present (connection, acceptance, & joy)

Self-isolation

What CAUSES Parent Burnout?Vicarious/Secondary TraumaBelief that no one else “gets it”Need for constant supervision/vigilanceSelf-isolation

PB Assessment4/28/2012


STAGES OF BURNOUT(Fruedenberger & North)

Driven by an ideal – excessive (unrealistic?) ambition—parenting takes over life--stop having fun--

Putting your own needs last Noticing "I'm miserable" -- How did I get here? -- often

mistaken for depression -- need to take time off/retreat/introspection --

frustrated, agressive, cynical -- you can't remember yourself -- must get off the wheel -- sort out what's going on -- start to lose your health

disengaged, exhausted, strong health impact self-medicate, comfort with maladaptive behaviors lose support system, self-isolation inner emptiness Who cares & why bother—depression symptoms arise—

lack of sense of meaning/purpose physical & mental collapse

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So, the question is…Will you let yourself be happy?

“The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good.”

-- Bertrand Russell

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STRESS TRANSFORMATION: THE 3-BUBBLE APPROACH

Bubble 1: Pattern-Interrupters for In-

the-moment TRIGGERS

Bubble 3: HEALING of developmenta

l wounds & limiting beliefs

Bubble 2: AMBIENT

Stress Levels: Enhance your

Routines, Environment, & Practices

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3 Bubbles of StressIn-the-moment triggersEnvironmental, or “ambient” stressPersonal History

Developmental wounding (otherwise known as: “My parents did the best they could, but…”)

YOUR TraumaLimiting beliefs

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Managing the 3 Bubbles of StressShort-term:

In-the-moment triggersPattern-Interrupters

Intermediate:“Ambient” stressOngoing PracticesEnvironmental Shifts

Long-term: Developmental wounding (otherwise known as: “My parents did the best they could, but…”); YOUR Trauma; Limiting beliefs Understanding Your Own Personal History Healing Work

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Goal: Stay present to yourself AND your childBreathe! (7-4-8)Where are you feeling the stress?Accept responsibility for your experience

(feelings, actions, etc)Remember that all behavior is a message,

usually from the unconscious mind/body

Bubble 1: Pattern-Interrupters

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Bubble 2:Ongoing Practices—Part 1Anything that is self-nurturing

Time aloneTime with friends

Consistent practiceMeditation/Contemplative PracticeJournalingWalkingYogaOthers?

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Bubble 2:Ongoing Practices—Part 2

Some Elements of Self-CareNutritionExercise

What feels good to YOU?SLEEP

“Naps are highly underrated!” (imho!)4/28/2012


Bubble 2:Ongoing Practices—Part 3:Make Laughter a Bigger Part of Your Life!

Short-term benefitsStimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your

intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.

Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires up and then cools down your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure. The result? A good, relaxed feeling.

Soothe tension. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.

(Courtesy of the Mayo Clinic website)

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Ongoing Practices—Part 3:Make Laughter a Bigger Part of Your Life!Long-term benefits

Improve your immune system. Negative thoughts manifest into chemical reactions that can impact your body by bringing more stress into your system and decreasing your immunity. In contrast, positive thoughts actually release neuropeptides that help fight stress and potentially more-serious illnesses.

Relieve pain. Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some muscle disorders.

Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people.

(Courtesy of the Mayo Clinic website)

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My Personal Favorite Ongoing Practice?

“Be kinder to yourself than you

think you should be”Cheri Huber

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Bubble 2: Environmental ShiftsDaily routinesPhysical environment

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Bubble 3: Healing WorkShifting your perspective/changing your

limiting beliefsTherapy (body-centered; experiential)EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)Body workOthers?

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What are YOUR Limiting Beliefs?Giving 100% every day is

what every parent is expected to do.

The success or failure of my children depends mostly on me.

I will be seen by society as a good and honorable person because of the effort I put into being a good parent.

I refuse to let anyone else care for or influence my children.

I should deny my own needs for rest and recreation in order to help my children.

I should spend every possible moment with my children.

I should feel guilty if I need a break or want some attention for myself.

One role in my life can satisfy all my needs and can support all my dreams.

My children should appreciate everything I do for them.

My children must like me.Other people must see me as

a good parent, able to handle everything.

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Core Beliefs/IssuesI don’t deserve to existI’m powerlessMy needs don’t matterI don’t have needsI must perform well to be worthy of loveI am not loveableI must not express who I amIt’s not safe to make mistakesI don’t matterI don’t belong “here”

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Shift Your ThinkingLooking at your child’s behavior through a Different Lens

1. What’s underneath my child’s behavior?

4. What can I do RIGHT NOW to strengthen our relationship?

2. What is she afraid of?

3. What need is going unmet (current/past)?

Instead of: “How do I make it STOP?!?”, try…

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Seeking Supporton Your Parenting

Adventure

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Why is asking so hard?

A culture of self-relianceAfraid of getting “No” for an answer

Afraid of getting “Yes” for an answer

Perceived need for reciprocityOthers???...

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A Parting Thought…Have compassion for everyone you meet,

even if they don’t want it.What appears bad manners, an ill temper or

cynicismIs always a sign of things no ears have

heard, no eyes have seen.You do not know what wars are going on

down there where the spirit meets the bone.

--Miller Williams4/28/2012


Another question to ponder…

How can I hold

MySelfwith this same compassion?

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Ready for the

Be The Change Challenge?

A lively, FREE, monthly gathering for parents who are ready to take powerful steps toward being the person they

know they can be…and the parent their child needs!

• Content – for example, Sustainable Parenting and preventing parent burnout; my proprietary model of the three layers of stress and how to work with them; using relationship-based, trauma-informed parenting such as Beyond Consequences to heal yourself, your child, and your family

• Conversation – with people who get it!• Guest speakers – on topics such as nutrition and well-being; post-adoption support

services; etc.2nd Tuesday every month; next gathering May 8th, 9:30

– 11:00 amSmiling Moose Deli, Boulder (29th St. Mall, southeast of Peet’s)

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RESILIENT PEOPLE… Suzanne Ouellette Kobasa (?)

optimistic realism -- resolute, unblinking acceptance of reality that allows us to optimize future possibilities

the capacity to stay in present timea deep belief that life is meaningful"Bricolage" -- an intuitive ability to think

outside the box--letting go of the past, touch into larger -- How do I make something fabulous out of basically (seemingly) nothing

sense of humor -- allows different perspectives

4/28/2012

sustainable parenting: preventing, recognizing, & healing parent burnout; 4/28/2012 -90 minutes

Health & Medicine