stress releiver: jim fay, dr. foster kline and dr. charles fay’s “parenting with love and...
TRANSCRIPT
STRESS RELEIVER:STRESS RELEIVER:Jim Fay, Dr. Foster Jim Fay, Dr. Foster
Kline and Dr. Charles Kline and Dr. Charles Fay’s “Parenting Fay’s “Parenting
with with LOVE and LOGIC!”LOVE and LOGIC!”Sneak Preview for Sneak Preview for
Henry County Henry County SchoolsSchools
Low Stress Strategies for Low Stress Strategies for Highly Successful Parents and Educators!Highly Successful Parents and Educators!
Anna Arnold-Parental Involvement Anna Arnold-Parental Involvement CoordinatorCoordinator
[email protected]@henry.k12.ga.us
THE RULES OF THE RULES OF LOVE AND LOGIC:LOVE AND LOGIC:
Adults set firm limits in loving Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or ways without anger, lecture, or threats.threats.
When a child causes a When a child causes a
problem, the adult problem, the adult
hands it back in loving hands it back in loving
ways.ways.
Children Are From HeavenChildren Are From Heavenby John Grayby John Gray
•Children cannot learn to be forgiving unless there is someone to Children cannot learn to be forgiving unless there is someone to forgive.forgive.•Children cannot develop patience or learn to delay gratification if Children cannot develop patience or learn to delay gratification if everything comes their way when they want it.everything comes their way when they want it.•Children cannot learn to cooperate if everything always goes their Children cannot learn to cooperate if everything always goes their way.way.•Children cannot learn to be creative if everything is done for Children cannot learn to be creative if everything is done for them.them.•Children cannot learn compassion and respect unless they feel Children cannot learn compassion and respect unless they feel pain and loss.pain and loss.•Children cannot learn courage and optimism unless they are faced Children cannot learn courage and optimism unless they are faced with adversity.with adversity.•Children cannot develop persistence and strength if everything is Children cannot develop persistence and strength if everything is easy.easy.•Children cannot learn to self-correct unless they experience Children cannot learn to self-correct unless they experience difficulty, failure, or mistakes.difficulty, failure, or mistakes.•Children cannot feel self-esteem or healthy pride unless they Children cannot feel self-esteem or healthy pride unless they overcome obstacles to achieve something.overcome obstacles to achieve something.•Children cannot develop self-sufficency unless they experience Children cannot develop self-sufficency unless they experience exclusion or rejection.exclusion or rejection.•Children cannot be self-directed unless they have opportunities to Children cannot be self-directed unless they have opportunities to resist authority and/or not get what they want.resist authority and/or not get what they want.
When implementing these When implementing these strategies:strategies:
In a loving way, hold the In a loving way, hold the child accountable for child accountable for solving his/her problems solving his/her problems in a way that does not in a way that does not make a problem for make a problem for others.others.
Offer children with Offer children with choices.choices.
Use enforceable Use enforceable statements.statements.
Provide delayed/extended Provide delayed/extended consequences.consequences.
““Lock in” empathy before Lock in” empathy before delivering consequences.delivering consequences.
1. NEUTRALIZE ARGUING1. NEUTRALIZE ARGUING
““I love you too much to argue.”I love you too much to argue.” ““It must feel awful to feel that way.”It must feel awful to feel that way.” ““Could be.”Could be.” ““What a bummer.”What a bummer.” ““How sad.”How sad.” ““Nice try!Nice try!
Become a broken record, saying the same antidote for each new argument.
Keep your voice soft. allow any frustration to be that of the child, not
of you.(There is nothing wrong with a kid that a little reasoning won’t make
worse!)
Go BRAIN DEAD!
Things you might hear:Things you might hear:
““This is boring!”This is boring!”““This is stupid. Why do I have to do it?”This is stupid. Why do I have to do it?”““I don’t like her!”I don’t like her!”““She is talking about me!”She is talking about me!”““He kicked me!”He kicked me!”““You like her more than me!”You like her more than me!”““She won’t stop looking at me!”She won’t stop looking at me!”
Statements that Statements that DON’T WORK:DON’T WORK:
““I know how you feel.”I know how you feel.” ““I know just what you mean.”I know just what you mean.” ““I understand.”I understand.”
2. ANTICIPATORY 2. ANTICIPATORY CONSEQUENCESCONSEQUENCES
““I am going to do something about this…but not right I am going to do something about this…but not right now. Later! Try not to worry about it!”now. Later! Try not to worry about it!”
““I don’t know how to react to this…and I don’t need to I don’t know how to react to this…and I don’t need to react right away. I will get back with you about this. react right away. I will get back with you about this.
Try not to worry about it.”Try not to worry about it.”Healthy people don’t Healthy people don’t
act when they are angry. act when they are angry. They spend time to calm down. They spend time to calm down.
We plug all our holes We plug all our holes before we deliver the before we deliver the consequences.consequences.
Problems with Problems with Immediate Immediate
Consequences:Consequences: Most of us have great difficulty thinking of one Most of us have great difficulty thinking of one while we are angry.while we are angry.
We “own” the problem rather than handing it We “own” the problem rather than handing it back to the child.back to the child.
We are forced to react while we and child are We are forced to react while we and child are upset.upset.
We don’t have time to anticipate how the child We don’t have time to anticipate how the child will react.will react.
We don’t have time to put together a We don’t have time to put together a reasonable plan and a support team to help us reasonable plan and a support team to help us carry it out.carry it out.
We often end up making threats we can’t back We often end up making threats we can’t back up.up.
We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of empathy before providing the consequence.empathy before providing the consequence.
Every day we live in fear the our child will do Every day we live in fear the our child will do something that we won’t know how to handle something that we won’t know how to handle with an immediate consequence. with an immediate consequence.
3. INSTANT EMPATHETIC 3. INSTANT EMPATHETIC RESPONSERESPONSE
o Empathy will provide a Empathy will provide a MUCH CALMER MUCH CALMER household!household!
o Empathy also controls Empathy also controls which part of the brain which part of the brain is most active. It helps is most active. It helps keep kids in the keep kids in the thinking mode instead thinking mode instead of the survival mode.of the survival mode.
1.1. The child is not distracted by the The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger.adult’s anger.
2.2. The child must “own” his or her”pain The child must “own” his or her”pain rather then blaming it on the adult.rather then blaming it on the adult.
3.3. The adult-child relationship is The adult-child relationship is maintained so that the child is much maintained so that the child is much less likely to seek revenge.less likely to seek revenge.
4.4. The child learns through modeling to The child learns through modeling to use empathy with others.use empathy with others.
Benefits of Delivering Benefits of Delivering Consequences With Consequences With
EmpathyEmpathy
Keep your Keep your empathy short, empathy short,
sweet, simple and sweet, simple and repetitive!repetitive!
““This must really hurt.This must really hurt.
““This is so sad.”This is so sad.”
““This is really hard.”This is really hard.”
““Bummer.”Bummer.”
““I’m sorry you feel so bad.”I’m sorry you feel so bad.”
““It must be hard to feel this way.”It must be hard to feel this way.”
The POWER The POWER of of
NONVERBAL NONVERBAL CommunicatCommunicat
ionion Studies estimate that between 70% and Studies estimate that between 70% and 90% of what we communicate, we do 90% of what we communicate, we do without words though subtle nonverbal without words though subtle nonverbal gestures.gestures.
Research also reveals that children are Research also reveals that children are EXPERTS at decoding these nonverbal EXPERTS at decoding these nonverbal cues.cues.
When delivering empathetic responses, When delivering empathetic responses,
the delivery is as important as your the delivery is as important as your actual words! actual words!
AVOID SARCASM AT ALL COSTS!AVOID SARCASM AT ALL COSTS!
4. CHOICES WITHIN LIMITS4. CHOICES WITHIN LIMITS
Offering choices puts Offering choices puts YOU, the parent, in the YOU, the parent, in the POWER POSITION!POWER POSITION!
Many potential power Many potential power struggles are avoided by struggles are avoided by simply giving choices simply giving choices before the child has the before the child has the chance to say no to a chance to say no to a request or an order.request or an order.
Rules for Rules for ChoicesChoices
Never give a choice on an issue that Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or for might cause a problem for you or for anyone else.anyone else.
For each choice, give only two For each choice, give only two options, each of which will be OK options, each of which will be OK with you.with you.
If the child doesn’t respond in 10 If the child doesn’t respond in 10 seconds, decide for him or her.seconds, decide for him or her.
Only give choices that fit with your Only give choices that fit with your value system.value system.
““Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?”Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?” ““Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this
week?”week?” ““Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable
tonight?”tonight?” ““Are you going to bed now, or would you like to wait an Are you going to bed now, or would you like to wait an
extra 15 minutes?”extra 15 minutes?” ““Can you stay with us and stop that, or do you need to Can you stay with us and stop that, or do you need to
leave for awhile and come back when you are sweet?”leave for awhile and come back when you are sweet?” ““Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your
teeth first?”teeth first?” ““Will you be home at 10:00, or do you need an extra half Will you be home at 10:00, or do you need an extra half
hour with your friends?”hour with your friends?” ““Are you guys going to stop bickering, or would you Are you guys going to stop bickering, or would you
rather pay me for having to hear it?”rather pay me for having to hear it?”
Let the child decide . . .
Remember that sharing Remember that sharing control is like making control is like making
deposits into a bank account.deposits into a bank account.
When things are going When things are going well, share plenty of well, share plenty of control in the form of control in the form of small choices.small choices.
When things aren’t When things aren’t going well, don’t going well, don’t hesitate to make a hesitate to make a withdrawal.withdrawal.
The mind has a difficult The mind has a difficult time being resistant time being resistant when it is grappling when it is grappling
with closure.with closure.
5. ENFORCEABLE 5. ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTSSTATEMENTS
As a parent, you have control As a parent, you have control when you talk about what YOU when you talk about what YOU are going to do instead of what are going to do instead of what
the CHILD is going to do.the CHILD is going to do.
The ONLY person you truly have The ONLY person you truly have control over is YOURSELF!control over is YOURSELF!
When we set limits by When we set limits by saying what WE will do saying what WE will do or what WE will allow:or what WE will allow:
We avoid looking like a fool when we We avoid looking like a fool when we can’t get our kids to do what we say.can’t get our kids to do what we say.
We share some control with our We share some control with our children. As a result, they are much children. As a result, they are much less likely to resist in order to gain less likely to resist in order to gain control.control.
We avoid getting sucked into trying We avoid getting sucked into trying to control something we really can’t.to control something we really can’t.
Some examples of Love and Logic Enforceable Some examples of Love and Logic Enforceable Statements:Statements:
““I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.”I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.” ““Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.”Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.” ““My car is leaving at 8 am.”My car is leaving at 8 am.” ““I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.”I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.” ““I’ll take you guys the places you want to go in the car when I don’t have to I’ll take you guys the places you want to go in the car when I don’t have to
worry about fighting in the back seat.”worry about fighting in the back seat.” ““I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.”I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.” ““I give allowance to those who finish their chores.”I give allowance to those who finish their chores.” ““I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.”I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.” I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.”I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.” ““I’ll be happy to buy you clothes I feel are appropriate.”I’ll be happy to buy you clothes I feel are appropriate.” ““I’ll be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.”I’ll be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.” ““I lend money to those who have collateral.”I lend money to those who have collateral.” ““I lend the car to those who have made a deposit equal to the insurance I lend the car to those who have made a deposit equal to the insurance
deductible.”deductible.” ““I’ll reimburse you for your college tuition for those classes in which you earn I’ll reimburse you for your college tuition for those classes in which you earn
a “B” or above. I’ll be happy to give you money when I see your report card.”a “B” or above. I’ll be happy to give you money when I see your report card.”
6. THE “UH, OH SONG”6. THE “UH, OH SONG”
Using the “Uh, Oh Song” leads to a Using the “Uh, Oh Song” leads to a parent no longer having to resort parent no longer having to resort to spanking.to spanking.
It also elevates the It also elevates the
parent to the role parent to the role
of LOVING authority of LOVING authority
figure.figure.
7. THE STRATEGIC 7. THE STRATEGIC TRAINING SESSIONTRAINING SESSION
This strategy is used only for This strategy is used only for those behaviors over which those behaviors over which parents have little or no parents have little or no control.control.
It allows parents to provide It allows parents to provide training under very controlled training under very controlled conditions with all their conditions with all their backup support in place.backup support in place.
One session, if done One session, if done correctly, is more effective correctly, is more effective than a lifetime of lectures and than a lifetime of lectures and complaints.complaints.
8. RESTITUTION8. RESTITUTION
The Love and Logic Generic ConsequenceThe Love and Logic Generic Consequence– Provides a consequence that can make Provides a consequence that can make
sense to a child in almost any situationsense to a child in almost any situation
WHATWHAT IS IT?IS IT?
HOUSEHOLD CHORES!!!HOUSEHOLD CHORES!!!
The Love and Logic The Love and Logic parent uses chores in a parent uses chores in a very special way so that very special way so that the youngster can make the youngster can make a reasonable connection a reasonable connection to his or her doing the to his or her doing the parent’s work, and the parent’s work, and the
rule violation.rule violation.
For example . . .For example . . . ““Winston, you snuck out and spent the Winston, you snuck out and spent the
night hanging out in the convenience store night hanging out in the convenience store parking lot. Then you climbed back in your parking lot. Then you climbed back in your window, thinking I would never know about it. I window, thinking I would never know about it. I told you I would have to do something about that, told you I would have to do something about that, but I’m sorry to say that I haven’t figured it out but I’m sorry to say that I haven’t figured it out yet even though I’ve spent hours on it.yet even though I’ve spent hours on it.
Do you know what’s sad about that? I can’t do two Do you know what’s sad about that? I can’t do two things at once. What I WAS going to do with my time was things at once. What I WAS going to do with my time was clean up all the dog messes in the backyard, rake the leaves, clean up all the dog messes in the backyard, rake the leaves, and mow the lawn and sweep the sidewalk. So…I guess as and mow the lawn and sweep the sidewalk. So…I guess as soon as you have those jobs done, we’ll forget about this soon as you have those jobs done, we’ll forget about this problem of yours. Thank you. You don’t need to work on problem of yours. Thank you. You don’t need to work on those jobs right now. Just have them done by the end of the those jobs right now. Just have them done by the end of the day on Saturday. Thanks, pal.”day on Saturday. Thanks, pal.”
The Five-Step The Five-Step ApproachApproachProvide a strong and sincere dose of empathy.Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy.
““Oh no. That is a problem. I bet that really is upsetting Oh no. That is a problem. I bet that really is upsetting you.”you.”
Place the problem gently but firmly on their shoulders Place the problem gently but firmly on their shoulders to send the “Power Message.”to send the “Power Message.”
““What do you think you might do to solve this problem.”What do you think you might do to solve this problem.”Ask for permission to share what “Some Kids” have Ask for permission to share what “Some Kids” have
tried.tried. Would you like to hear what some kids have tried?”Would you like to hear what some kids have tried?”Provide two or three alternatives for solving the Provide two or three alternatives for solving the
problem.problem.““Some kids decide to_______. How would that work for Some kids decide to_______. How would that work for
you?”you?”Allow the child to solve or not to solve the problem.Allow the child to solve or not to solve the problem.““Good Luck! Let me know how it turns out.”Good Luck! Let me know how it turns out.”
9. GUIDING KIDS TO OWN AND 9. GUIDING KIDS TO OWN AND SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMSSOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS
We must teach our We must teach our children to be their children to be their
own problem-solvers own problem-solvers and improve their and improve their cause-and-effect cause-and-effect
thinking.thinking.
As you wake up each As you wake up each morning, please remember:morning, please remember:The best thing in life are not The best thing in life are not
things.things.
Life is not measured by the Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take but by the moments that take our breaths away!our breaths away!