Strategies for Arguing Constructively

Do’s and Don’ts for effective arguing

Don’t avoid arguments

• Avoiding an argument won’t make an issue go away

• Arguing gets issues out into the open

• Arguing lets people know where they stand in the relationship

• Couples who report high relationship satisfaction also report that they argue frequently over specific issues

Keep arguments manageable

• deal with one issue at a time• bring up an issues in the

“here and now.”• “I’m upset about what

you just said”

• “I want to talk to you about this as soon as we’re home.”

• don’t engage in “sandbagging”

• Don’t save up issues and dump them on the other person suddenly

It’s okay to get angry• It is okay to be angry at someone,

but anger must be managed– “own” your anger

• Take responsibility for your feelings

– use “I” statements• don’t blame the other person for

your emotions• Wrong: “You make me so mad!”• Wrong: “Are you trying to make

me mad?”• Right: “I’m really angry at you

right now”

– if you are too upset to be rational, then wait until you cool off

Use active listening skills to understand the other person• Avoid mental counter-arguing

– listen instead of mentally rehearsing your objections

• Acknowledge when another person makes a good point– “I agree with you on that point. I

hadn’t thought of it that way.”

– “I think you are right about that.”

More about listening skills

• Use paraphrasing to demonstrate you understand the other person’s point of view

• Paraphrasing summarizes your opponent’s position– “if I understand you correctly…”

– “What I hear you saying is…”

• Use perception checking to make sure you understand the other person’s point of view

• Paraphrasing clarifies your opponent’s position– “Are you saying that…?”

– “So you’re upset because…?”

Focus on issues, not personalities

• focus on the specific issue.– what is the locus of the

disagreement?– emphasize points of

agreement, not just disagreement

• avoid engaging in verbal aggression– personal attacks, put-

downs, insults

• avoid threats, ultimatums• avoid passive-aggressive

behavior– getting back at the other

person in a round about way