Stephanie Rogers, GC-C, CTAmarillo Hospice of the Plainsamarillohospiceplains@gmail.com

The Mustard Seed

(Handout #1)

I. What Is Mindfulness?

I. What Is Mindfulness?A. Paying attention “on purpose”

1. Conscious direction of awareness2. Curiosity3. Inquisitiveness

B. Paying attention “in the present moment”1. Always gently coming back to now -- away from past/future2. Being present in the here and now rather than longing for the past or

futureC. Paying attention without judgment

1. Being emotionally non-reactive – noticing that thoughts arise, pass through, and cease to exist

2. In mindfulness, pleasure and pain (and everything else) is treated equally – only with awareness

3. Allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling

I. What Mindfulness Is NOT1. Becoming one with the pain

2. Denying its existence or the difficulty of living with it

3. Wallowing in it

4. Torturing yourself in silence/quietly bearing a burden and waiting for it to disappear

“Mindfulness is the antidote to [the] universal, nearly constant bouncing back and forth between attraction to pleasure and aversion to pain.”

~Sameet M. Kumar, Grieving Mindfully

II. The Myth of “Keeping Busy”A. Distraction is a temporary Band-Aid

1. Symptomatic of the futile search for permanence in an impermanent world

2. Time and energy expended running after pleasure and away from pain

3. Trying to control suffering in this way only strengthens it

4. There is no “solution” to grief, because grief is not a problem

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

II. The Myth of “Keeping Busy”B. Distraction never heals

1. Instead it can encourage unhealthy automatic patterns of thoughta. Magnification and minimization

Overvaluing the relevance & consequences of distressing events while undervaluing the relevance & consequences of positive ones

b. PersonalizationAssuming responsibility for negative events that have nothing to do with you.

c. Black or white/All or nothingNo grey areas

d. Arbitrary inferenceHaving a fixed idea about the world or a relationship, either without proof or despite proof to the contrary

e. Selective abstraction Focusing on one detail in a relationship or interaction to the exclusion of all else

II. The Myth of “Keeping Busy”C. Grief will always return (it never leaves)

1. Physical ailmentsa. Sleep disturbancesb. Gastrointestinal upsetsc. Chronic illnesses

2. Depression

3. Anxiety

4. Self-medicating with substances and/or behaviours

II. The Myth of “Keeping Busy”D. Cannot heal what is not seen

1. The more we ignore the pain of grief, the more we become stuck in the illusion of its permanence

2. The reality is that someone we love is dead. We cannot change that. And until we are willing to look at that reality, to sit with it, to be with it, we cannot truly Live with it.

III. Leaning into the Sharp PointsA. Trying to soften the pain of grief

1. Society demands that we forget that death and loss are inevitable and natural parts of life

2. In the West, we associate grief (and pain) as something “wrong” or “bad”a. Pain is not punishment and pleasure is not reward

3. While we are aware of the impermanence of joy, we are afraid that sadness is permanent

B. Trying to escape grief1. Resisting pain often deepens it2. We live as though by denying grief we can escape the pain of loss

and/or even death itself

III. Leaning into the Sharp Points

C. Looking honestly and gently at the pain of loss begins healing1. The relationship of grief to fear2. The realization that we are more than our bodies3. Three misunderstandings about grief

a. We expect what is always changing and unpredictable to be never changing and predictable

b. We live as though we are a separate and fixed separate entityc. We look for happiness in all the wrong places

(Handout #2)

III. Leaning into the Sharp Points

D. Experiencing grief1. Being with the grief without being in its grip and without gripping it

a. With willingness and gentlenessb. Without calling it the enemyc. Without “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts”

2. The goal is not to make a “bad” thing “better” but to reconcile ourselves with the way things really are

3. There is great clarity in sitting with grief, in facing it

“When you react to distress with distress, the result is twice as much distress. In a state of mindfulness, when you feel unavoidable distress you accept it.” ~Sameet M. Kumar, Grieving Mindfully

III. Leaning into the Sharp PointsE. Transforming grief

1. Grief forces us to re-examine who we are2. “Radical Acceptance” of all grief has to teach us

a. Without judgmentb. Change our relationship to grief/painc. Leaning into/fully experiencing the pain is never as bad as our

anticipation of it

IV. The Efficacy of Mindfulness in GriefA. An individual approach

1. Can be done alone2. Self-paced3. Free from the expectations of others

B. Restores personal power1. Assimilation of grief into the New Normal/New Identity2. Grief is no long in control

C. Less tendency to delay the inevitable task of accepting the reality of the death

D. Cuts down on the manifestation of complicated grief• Disturbing emotions and thoughts• Physical sensations and illnesses• Avoidance behaviours

IV. The Efficacy of Mindfulness in GriefE. Awareness without judgment engenders positive change

1. Flashes of calm in the midst of the storm of grief2. Gentler attitude with self and others3. Diminished suffering

F. Encourages the unification of the grief experience1. Body2. Mind3. Spirit

G. Helps develop patience via the awareness and acceptance of the ups and downs of grief

H. Can stop “Avalanching”1. Panic attacks2. Inappropriate/dangerous behaviours

IV. The Efficacy of Mindfulness in GriefI. Peace

1. Find meaning in grief

2. Find answers to questions

V. Teaching Mindfulness in GriefA. Not diving into or wallowing in suffering

B. Allow yourself to experience feelings as they arise1. Mindful of their causes2. Mindful of their impermanence3. Mindful of your feelings about them (“Secondary Emotional

Processes” - feelings about feelings)4. Mindful of your internal dialogue (self-talk)

C. Awareness without judgment1. Learn to notice what you are thinking before your feel it2. Hear the thoughts behind the feelings that lead to actions

V. Teaching Mindfulness in GriefD. Surrender

1. Not “giving up” or “giving in” but stopping the fight2. Say “Yes” to the pain, the experience, the grief3. Become the Detached Observer, the Silent Watcher

VI. Mindfulness PracticesA. Mindfulness in Action

1. Any activitya. Tooth brushingb. Walkingc. Dish washingd. Exercisee. Anything/Everything

2. Be aware of all sensationsa. Sightb. Soundc. Scentd. Tastee. Touchf. The Silence

VI. Mindfulness PracticesB. Mindfulness Meditation

(Handout #3)

VI. Mindfulness PracticesB. Mindfulness Meditation

1. Meditation is as simple as breathing

2. Not about controlling thoughts nor imposing quiet on the mind

3. Benefits are both immediate and long-term and can be experienced in as little as 5 to 10 minutes of daily practice

4. Requires no special spiritual or religious beliefs and does not mean having transcendental experiences

5. Requires no special abilities or attributes

VII. The Purpose of GriefA. We grieve in direct proportion to how much we have loved

1. Grief and love are inextricably connected2. The pain of grief can lead to the deep understanding that all life is

subject to profound changea. Nothing is permanentb. We are all vulnerablec. Everything that begins ends

3. Grief can put us back in touch with the absolute sacredness of love, of relationships, of life

4. Grief teaches everyone the same lesson: to value the relationships, experiences and time we have in this present moment

“…grief is the price we pay for the priceless chance to love others.”

~Alan D. Wolfelt

VII. The Purpose of GriefB. By transforming our pain into compassion we are able to help others

1. Compassion is not pity or sympathy – it is Empathya. Compassion: “Com” = “with” / “Passion”

2. When we become truly aware and accepting of the pain of our own grief, we are able to become truly aware of the pain of othersa) We all share the pain of griefb) We lose the idea of Separationc) In this realization, compassion is born

3. Pain is the most fertile ground in which to plant seeds of compassiona. Most spiritual growth occurs in the midst of pain

VII. The Purpose of Grief4. Grief becomes a source of wisdom

a. We engage with grief with Intentb. We become more patient, flexible and resilientc. The horrifying becomes a gift

C. This compassion becomes the way in which we move forward with our deceased loved one. 1. Allow the dead to become your teacher2. Even a difficult or ambiguous relationship can be transformed

through how you choose to grieve

D. It also becomes an eternal memorial to them.1. A monument of courage and hope2. In our kinship with the grief and pain of others, the spirit of our

dead loved one is honoured and never dies

VIII. ConclusionRegardless of whether or not we choose to face it, death changes our life forever. “Normal” is gone and we must live our lives differently from this moment forward.

Being mindful of our grief, leaning into its sharp points, empowers us as creators of this New Normal. By choosing to fully face our grief, to step into it, we are able to carry our loved ones forward with us into our new future.

References• Chodron, P. (2005). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Boston:

Shambhala.• Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times. Boston: Shambhala.• Frankl, V. E. (1992). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. Boston: Beacon Press.• Huxter, M. (2010). Grief and the Mindfulness Approach - Meditation. Retrieved August 30, 2013, from

http://www.buddhanet.net/psygrief.htm• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2002). Guided mindfulness meditation: Series 1. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2012). Mindfulness for beginners: Reclaiming the present moment--and your life. Boulder,

CO: Sounds True.• Kumar, S. M. (2005). Grieving mindfully: A compassionate and spiritual guide to coping with loss. Oakland,

CA: New Harbinger Publications.• Nyanaponika (1969). The heart of Buddhist meditation (Satipatthana): A handbook of mental training

based on the Buddha's way of mindfulness, with an anthology of relevant texts translated from the Pali and Sanskrit. London: Rider.

• Rinpoche, S. M. (2008). Shambhala Sun - How to do Mindfulness Meditation. Retrieved July 15, 2013, from http://www.shambhalasun.com/?option=content&task=view&id=2125

• Sagula, D., & Rice, K. G. (2004). The Effectiveness of Mindfulness Training on the Grieving Process and Emotional Well-Being of Chronic Pain Patients. Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings, 11(4), 333. doi:1068-9583-05-1200-0333-0

• Wolfelt, A. (2012). Companioning the grieving child: A soulful guide for caregivers. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press.