Sample Essay Feedback

1) Word Variation

• Vary the wording of your thesis throughout your paper. • Assignment: Come up with 5 different ways to reword your thesis. Same idea, different

words. • Notice any word choice patterns

• Assignment: You’ve used the word “push,” many times. Come up with 5 synonyms for the word “push.”

2) Be Specific, Not General

• Details, specificity, and examples are key! • For example, instead of saying, “to help her figure it all out,” rephrase as, “to help her

navigate the overwhelming world she has been thrown into.” • Assignment: Rephrase the following words/ phrases from your essay and use examples if

possible (e.g., drink= tea= earl gray tea): • “telling them something” • “push” • “without all of these people” • “figure it all out” • “Katie learns everything from her” • “in the beginning”

3) Transitions

• Transition words can make a position stronger by linking ideas together. • e.g., furthermore, in addition to, moreover… • Assignment part.1: Fix the transition in paragraph 1 (“although”) to it’s proper use. The

sentence proceeding “Although” needs to contrast your argument (i.e. if you were on the debate team, what would the opposing team argue? That’s what needs to come after “although”—the counter example.)

• Assignment part.2: Add transitions wherever possible if it drives your point forward.

4) Vocabulary

• Assignment: Replace 5 words with 5 “SAT words,” that you are confident using.

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