It is no secret that the Ashland School District has faced some major budget cuts in the past ten years, how-ever it has been reported that next year, in anticipation of Armageddon, Ashland schools will experience some of the most drastic changes ever. Even with the passing of the YAAL earlier this year, Ashland High School still finds itself lacking necessary funds to maintain our schools in the state that they have been. Rather than cutting electives and classes, Ashland High School has decided to use more creative techniques to decrease its spending. One of the minor changes which will take place is sure to reduce the electricity bill at Ashland High School as many classes will be taught without overhead lights. These classes include art, woodshop and sewing. The administration thought these classes would be appro-priate as it would not only lower AHS’s electricity bills but also lower judgments of other people’s art. Students will also have the unique luxury of learning to depend on their other senses such as smell and touch rather than depending on sight. Unfortunately, certain departments would have to be cut from Ashland High School. The health center will be closed and replaced with a booklet with simple cures such as, “rub some dirt in it” and “just walk it off.” The counseling office will also be closed to be replaced with one copy of “The Fiske Guide to Colleges” and a copy of “Dear Abby” in hopes that students will figure it out and solve their own problems. Lastly, the ASPIRE program will be replaced with a program called DESPAIR, an acronym for Don’t Even Strive to Produce Incredible Results. These changes will require some adjustments for everyone at AHS, but the overall savings will be incredibly beneficial for the Ash-land School District.

The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Regina M. Benja-min, announced Thursday that cases of Senioritis are likely to in-crease dramatically over the next two months. The special report predicts a particularly severe season of the virus SrS2, commonly known as Senioritis, this year. “It’s going to hit pretty hard,” Dr. Paul Shef-fields, a member of the Surgeon General’s research team, said. “All the data points to the fact that SrS2 will spread very rapidly throughout the months of April and May.” Reported cases of Se-nioritis have been steadily grow-ing across the United States, and could pose a threat to the health and safety of certain school dis-tricts, according to Dr. Benja-min, the United States’ highest medical authority. Though Ashland School Dis-trict is not specifically identified in the study as a “High Risk”

region, municipal officials are considering taking preemptive action. To combat Senioritis, the district has considered the school-wide implementation of “5-Minute Breaks,” already well-established in Ashland High School’s language classes. “Yeah, I really feel like Cinco Minutos has definitely helped me stay healthy,” senior Leland Owens-Oas says. “But even still, I think I would feel much safer with a 10 or 15 minute break in some of

my other classes. Maybe even a scheduled nap time.” The Surgeon General’s report outlines key Senioritis red flags. Dr. Benjamin advises schools across the country to expect to see seniors “arriving to school late, particularly on Monday mornings, confused and uncoor-dinated, with bloodshot or glassy eyes and highly sensitive to light and sound.” AHS administra-tors say these trends are reflected on campus. “I’ve seen all these

symptoms; some seniors show up looking physically nauseous and even more disheveled than when they left school on Friday,” Vice Principle Don Valentini says. “Clearly these students are seriously ill.” Other symptoms include mal-aise, aches and pains, fatigue, and an inability to focus. In extreme cases, afflicted seniors may suffer from paralyzing apathy, delirium, total loss of all motor control, as well as claustrophobic sensations

of entrapment or imprisonment, gastrointestinal angst, and just feeling totally, like, bummed out, bro—you know what I mean? The report concludes that pre-vention is the best protection. “We strongly urge seniors infect-ed with Senioritis not to attend school. Due to the extremely contagious nature of this year’s SrS2 strain, going to class and exposing other students would do more harm than good,” Dr. Benjamin advises. “Though we expect this wave to diminish by early June, the best course of ac-tion is to let the body flush out the virus naturally.” There is no sure-fire way to accelerate the healing process, but the report recommends that victims of Se-nioritis be treated on a couch with “a sleeved blanket, a bag of cheesy poofs and Seasons 1-5 of The Office.” Upon interview infected se-nior Bryan Crispino expressed his approval of this strategy with an incomprehensible, almost pre-historic guttural sound, before he returned to staring intently at a fly crawling across his desk.

January 32, 2011, Rogue Val-ley school districts held a meeting to discuss the cancellation of in-coming freshman and sophomore classes due to “the looming devas-tation of the world as we know it.” Later that month, administrators and faculty attended a follow up meeting finalizing the decision to veto the classes of 2013 and 2014. “It has been an honor to serve as Ashland High School’s prin-cipal this school year. I regret the international circumstances that all public operations have to face in the oncoming end of the world,” AHS principle Michelle Zundel said. In spite of the Mayan and Egyp-tian calendars, Planet X theory, prophecies of polar shifts, solar storms, alignment of the sun and the Milky Way and the 26,000 year wobble of Earth, the end of the world is caused by another peril al-together... Hipsters. Scientists agree that the efface-ment of civil society stains the hands of all mankind, but particularly those of the subculture referred to as “hipsters.” The Millennial gen-eration has managed to produce a

sub -culture equally un-conventional and unique as the 1960s. However, this new breed holds apathy and just-not-giving-a-bleep in higher esteem than the environ-ment or U.S. occupation overseas. “What society should be con-cerned about is bands like Vampire Weekend selling out and trends such as plaid or brightly colored beanies being offered in every store across America,” sociologist Char-lie Hall said. Hipsters strive for ever more un-orthodox forms of counter-culture as once obscure fads and ecletic music selections become part of the dominant social norm. Re-search shows that the mass hipster suicide both accellerates the apo-colypse and is due to the growing sentiment among the hip that life has grown too mainstream. As the population continues to fall and young adults cease to vote, recycle or buy from corporations un-ironically, the world’s future be-

comes a thing of the past. Sales of over-priced v-necks plunge as precipitously as the neck-lines of those same white tees. Met-ropolitan areas like Portland, New York and Austin face complete collapse as municipal resources struggle to dispose of piles of flan-nel clad bodies. Though short on hope we the people may still make small changes in our own com-munity. Stop telling your friends about all the cool bands you found on Stumble, lending out clothes and pretending you enjoy not hav-ing cable.

“The end of the world is caused by another

peril altogether ...Hipsters.”

Photo by Sarah Kasiah

by Angelica Florio

Doomsday Downsizing

by Elle Swarttouw

by Dante Toppo

Beneath the Ashland High School Humanities Building is a large room commonly known as the “Graveyard.” There are no windows and very little lighting, but Laura Davidson, Ashland High School’s seasoned sewing in-structor, can attest to the personal growth that occurs under pressure and within these poor working conditions. Soon Davidson will partner with her fel-low colleagues in the history departments to create an interac-tive project reflecting such instances as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory or other such sweatshops in the American Industrial Revo-lution. “Students will be encour-aged to demonstrate the dan-gers of the sewing machine,” Davidson states, adding that workers who arrive to the graveyard late “may be sub-

ject to various hard discipline. “We try to keep it to fabric, but occasionally body parts get in the way of the needles,” Davidson said. “All the other local sweatshops were shut down due to lax regulations,” Davidson continued. The sewing department may cre-ate costumes for the school’s

musical, requiring students to stay in the Graveyard until late hours. Students would first be assigned the usual project of creating pillow cases and pa-jamas, but on a huge manu-facturing scale. The students

could then use their finished sleepwear to spend the night in the dark room. Any addi-tional products will be sold to benefit the school. “We have to make money some-how,” says Bill Gabriel. Ga-briel realizes the importance of the sweatshop Davidson is proposing, as it will bring in

needed rev-enue for the school. The new class will not require paren-tal approval, and some stu-dents may be recommend-ed for the class by their teachers. Davidson

has had to research the

Factory Acts and labor laws extensively, and feels that the classroom experience the students will gain will cause national attention and com-mendation on the “character students will build.”

April 1, 2011Page 2 Rogue News

These days there’s a lot of emphasis put on health. Ashland

High School students are encouraged to ride bikes or walk to school and are required to take PE for two semesters. Many

students also take Advanced Conditioning in order to stay in shape, or participate in a sport. Those students who

take Advanced Conditioning in the morning may notice a new phenomenon: faculty in the weight room before

6:45 a.m. Tammy Anderson, Brenda Paustian, Eric Wolff, Allison French, Mark Miller, Kate Kennedy, Lori Thickett and Laura Davidson are among the teach-ers frequently seen in the AHS weight room. Paul Huard and Bill Gabriel have also been slimming down. What’s their secret? Working out, eat-ing healthy and the thrill of competition. AHS teachers have been playing “Biggest Loser” right under our noses. Inspired by the TV show, our teachers have been putting in grueling hours at the weight room and lifting huge weights to______________

Some of the teachers have even been doing olympic-regimen diets,

and refuse dessert more often than not after low-carb meals. As the contest gets tight, the teachers have be-

gun to size up their competitors. “I’m not worried about Paustian,” Anderson commented, “With the

way she begs her students for chocolate there’s no way she’ll win. Wolff is the one I’m keeping an eye

on; he’s a maniac in the weight room!” Wolff himself is unperturbed by his competition. He said, “I am not

worried about ze flabby Americans.” Set on winning, Paustian has been working to alter the rules of the game.

“I want to convince everyone that using a ratio of similar-ity to determine proportional weight loss would be better.

Then I could hold my own against my height enhanced col-leagues! For example, for every one pound lost by a person of

my height, someone like Mr. Wolff would have to lose approximately 1.73 lbs. Then I would only have to win against the other really short contestant,” Paustian said. Others seem to consider a slimmer figure to be the only prize they need. Huard said, “Well, at least when people pass me by when I am laying in the sun on a beach they no longer say, ‘Argh! There be the Great White Whale.’” Some teachers have been involving students in the competition since the rules don’t prohibit help from minors. Mrs. Zundel stated that she had “complete knowledge of the goings-on in the competition.” However, she cautioned, “unless something dras-tic happens, students will be penalized as usual for failing to follow teachers’ orders. Remember our school code: Act Responsibly, Have integ-rity, and Support your teachers.” Anderson, Paustian and Wolff have this to say to their stu-dents: “Anyone who doesn’t wish to have their grades changed to an F will have to attend atest on the day of dkfsdlgdkfgkldfgkfdfg-dmkfgkfgmkdffgkgfk necessary to pass the class of ddffffffffffffffffff

the test will cover math, writing, and reading. “Otherwise,” said Wolff, “Any student in my class will have to transfer.” Paustian and Ander-son mirror his sentiments. The competition among the teachers has been so successful in helping the faculty lead healthy life styles that other schools are adopting the idea as well. The trend has, in fact, gotten so big it is begin-ning to receive national attention and the actual TV show, “The Biggest Loser,” is considering making a sea-son for teachers specifically. The winner of the competition will be crowned at the end of the year here at AHS. So, do your part to support your “Biggest Losers” and don’t feed the teachers!

It is time to lug around those bot-tles of hand sanitizer again. Ashland High School faculty is also encour-aging its students to wear face masks

and rubber gloves, or, for added safety, a full space suit (NASA cer-tified only). But what prompted the administration to take to these drastic measures? The health scare that rocked the very walls of AHS is back. The Swine Flu has returned. A recent national wave of Swine Flu has healthcare workers in a frenzy. Last month, scientists’ re-search lead to a startling discovery

that put AHS on the national news. Researchers traced the H1N1 flu back to AHS teacher Rick Corne-lius, otherwise known as Patient Zero. Patient Zero is believed to

have been infected when he kissed a piglet, Sniffles, for an AHS band fundraiser. What started out as in-nocent fun is now the cause of a na-tion’s tragedy. “This time, it’s deadly.” Dr. Lobachevsky claimed. “Patient Zero is lucky to have been sport-ing a moustache at the time. It helped minimize the im-pact of the infec-

tion.” It seems Cornelius’s signature moustache saved his life. For oth-ers, the lack of facial hair is taking a deadly toll. Men who cannot grow facial hair and women have been dy-ing by the dozens in hospitals every-where. The AHS health center insists that students keep their distance from one another and advises “should you feel the need to cough, to please as-sume the Dracula position.”

by Michaela Anderson

by Caytie Siegl

SWINE FLU RESURFACES

“Patient Zero” and the contaminant during initial transmission.

Photo by Laurel Sager

An anonymous student hard at work creating a dress for AHS’ upcoming play, Haroun and the Sea of Stories.

New sewing class offers character building opportunities

Photo courtesy of sxc.hu

by Amelia Farber

“Attitude is everything!” This was Karl Kemper’s per-sonal motto during his first seven years as the Athletic Director of Ashland High School. Kemper has always preached that sportsmanship is more important than success in the sports arena. Now, Kemper is changing his approach. “I’m a new man with a new motto,” Kemper said. “Winning is everything!” In the past, Kemper has encouraged student-fans to “be loud, be proud, and be respectful” while cheering at Grizzly sporting events. Chants and cheers were expect-ed to be positive and supportive to AHS teams. Kemper recently reconsidered his stance on this issue, publishing a statement to fans about their conduct at future games. “The most important thing is to bring down the oppo-sition. Do what ever needs to be done to get inside the heads of the other players. Be creative, single out individ-uals and feel free to remove the filter on hateful chants.” Last summer, Ashland was re-classified into the 5A-Southern Oregon Hybrid and has been very success-ful during the 2010-2011 seasons. Although the Grizz have finished ahead of Eagle Point in most sports, Kem-per isn’t satisfied. “Conference championships are get-ting boring,” he explained. “I want to be a school that is a perennial powerhouse at the state level. Under the new power ranking system, this isn’t necessarily pos-sible in 5A.” Kemper is currently negotiating with the

OSAA to analyze factors other than enrollment when classifying conferences. For example, because the level of education is so high at AHS, athletes are more focused on school than sports. This attitude is similar to that of a private school. “Ideally, we should be in a conference with Cascade Christian and Saint Mary’s. Both schools are competitive, but I am confident we could win state championships at the 3A level.” Although he has always been one of the classiest and most respectable Athletic Directors in the state, the ‘new

Kemper’ has different priorities. “This is not the YMCA. I’m tired of being so nice all the time. Forget fun, hard work, and life lessons. I want to win at all costs,” Kem-per stated passionately. In the future, it is easy to envision Ashland annihilating smaller schools in a new confer-ence, while ‘ginger’ and ‘cheater’ chants are supported instead of stopped. Most of Karl Kemper’s theories and priorities about sports have changed drastically, but one idea will remain constant. “No matter what,” Kemper stated, “it is always a great day to be a Grizz!”

Page 3April 1, 2011 Rogue News

Ashland High School junior Ben Mickey is getting a jump start on his senior project. In the summer of 2010, Mickey, an avid outdoorsman and hunter, applied to the Environmental Protection Agency for a permit to hunt animals that he would otherwise not be able to ob-tain tags for. This past month Mickey received the verdict that would de-cide his fate. After Mickey received the specialized permit, he booked a flight to Nepal where he would, with the help of a local Sherpa, begin tracking his prey. Mickey’s victim of choice was the Panthera Tigris, a rare animal that can be found in many parts of the Far East, specifically the Himalayan Highlands. Mickey’s request was fulfilled and he shipped off on December 18, 2010 to a tracking camp in northern Nepal, where he would eventually meet his Sherpa partner, Tensing. Mickey’s trip to the Far East was subsidized by the National Rifle Associa-tion, “America’s foremost defender of Sec-ond Amendment rights.” Mickey was given a $25,000 grant that would help him pay travel expenses as well as the cost of his firearms and am-munition. “I couldn’t be more thankful for my support from the NRA. This was a once in a lifetime experience for me... as well as for the tiger I chose to track,” Mickey said.

Through valleys and over mountains, Mickey and Tensing tracked and trekked on the trail of the tiger. After eight

days, at 260 yards, through the heavy snow and wind, Mickey got his shot. The two lay in the snow,

Tensing with a pair of binoculars and Mickey with the butt of the rifle at his shoulder.

Mickey focused down the scope as Tens-ing spit out numbers; wind speed, dis-

tance, humidity and more. All that Mickey had left to do was pull the

trigger, execution would mean ex-ecution. The gun of choice was a Savage Model 110 bolt-action ri-fle which fired a .300 Winchester Magnum round, “No piece of flesh has any business standing in front of one of those rounds,” Winchester spokesman Bernard Slovak stated. Mickey put his permit and firearm to good use. His shot was impeccable, as stat-

ed by Tensing in broken English: “The kill shot was thing of beauty,

like paint spill on empty canvas.” It isn’t everyday that you have a

chance to alter life’s natural pecking or-der. With less than 6,000 tigers worldwide

remaining in the wild, Mickey was given quite an opportunity.

Mickey will not present his senior project until next year, as there is another piece to be finished. The

pelt of this endangered animal will be auctioned off in order to fund his next excursion, an African Safari, where he hopes to bag a Botswanan Elephant.

by Neil Presicci

Kemper offers some words of wisdom. Photo by Caitlin Stacy

Photo courtesy of Comstock Images

by Jonathan Mills

Ben Mickey:

AHS Athletic Director has made it clear he isn’t a fan of losing.

Photo Illustration by Zack Hartman

New dance guidelines

A season

by Elias Opgenorth

Ashland City Police are currently investigating embezzlement charges against an Ashland High senior for stealing money from a charity fund intended to be donated to Action Against Hunger. Senior Ryan Mills, President of the Ashland High School Interact Club, allegedly defrauded AAH of nearly $1,200 that was raised during the Interact Club Holiday Dance in December, 2010. The dance, which was actively advertised as a non-profit dance, was a major success due to its charitable nature. How-ever, since the dance, police report that Mills has made no effort to donate the money and he has used the funds for his own personal en-joyment. “We were first tipped off when we received a call from an American Apparel employee from the Eugene AA store,” authorities said. “The caller reported a suspicious teenag-er who came into the store and pur-chased $700 worth of clothing. He paid entirely in small bills.” Security cameras quickly identified Mills be-cause of his signature hair flip and his awkward cowboy/hipster style. Mills allegedly used the money to purchase an excessive amount of white v-neck t-shirts and black hoodies. “At first I thought he was just super hip, but when I saw him pull out all those small bills I got suspi-cious. Most hipsters here pay with traveler’s checks or Discover cards.” After thorough investigation, authorities found discrepancies in Mills’ finances and concluded that the money most likely came from a private fund, however the case re-mains open. Mills was last seen fleeing the store driving a red Corvette , blast-ing Katy Perry.

by Taylor Patterson

Anyone present at school dances may have noticed what

The Daily Tidings called “a few dozen students dancing extremely close together.” Prolonged Public Dis-plays of Affection (PPDA) have been an issue at AHS for some time, and many believe it’s time

for it to end. “Such behavior is not meant for the public eye and should no lon-ger be allowed to continue,” junior

Drew Starmer said. The administra-tion has unsuccessfully tried to stop the continuing offenses. Recent dances have inspired innovative action. The new dance dress code requires a unisex full body suit that covers pro-vocative areas of exposure such as the neck, wrists and ankles. These suits come in three fetching color choices:

brown, grey and grey-brown. All suits will be sized XXL and

heavily starched to discourage pel-vis-to-pelvis interaction. In addition to the new dress code, AHS will implement new rules con-cerning the content of music played at dances. A recent study on the av-erage teenage reaction to pop mu-sic revealed the release of a shock-ing amount of endorphins and the desire to procreate. Music will be closely monitored to prevent inap-propriate messages, gyratable rhythms, and “salty beats,” to smother any form of sexual expression. Furthermore, to prevent the continu-ation of PPDA at dances, the Ashland Police Department appointed officers, equipped with batons and bear mace, to chaperone in case things get too hot ‘n heavy. “Based on these changes, I’m sure Prom is gonna be a blast!” Dean of Students Glenna Stiles said.

by Ryan Mills

Ashland High Schools Wilderness Charter School has been an object of pride for the community for many years. The beautiful straw bailed building that has provided many kids with alterna-tive education is sadly being torn down this spring. Although the school was already closed last year for budget reasons, hopes to restart the program have been discouraged by the recent decision to turn the building and surrounding area into a parking lot for students and staff. The parking spaces will be auctioned off to raise money for the district. The Ashland High budget committee made the decision several months ago and noted the need for parking as well as the useless-ness of the structure. Several students have spoken out about the future paved paradise. “This is a classic ploy of capitalism. One minute we have a wonderful learning opportunity, and the next minute we have a reservation for yuppies with carbon polluting

sports cars,” junior Patrick McKeever said. Other students feel differently. Senior Deven McCoy said, “I feel bad about the future of potential Wilderness Charter School kids, but maybe they will start taking more AP classes instead of drinking matté and talking about feelings.” Despite the outrage, the school district is determined to go through with its decision. “I think a healthy environment for students can be found in the standard education system--what can’t be found is good parking,” a member of the school board said. Only time will tell whether or not this action will come back to bite the school board. In the meantime, students will be able to park in the confidence that our red Corvettes will no longer clash with an orange parking violation sticker in the staff lot.

of taking

Photo submitted by APD

Had you going didn’t we?

Happy April Fool’s!

Photo illustration by Taylor Patterson & Caitlin StacyWorkers begin the destruction of AHS’ beloved Charter School.

Editorial/Designer BoardChief Dictators...........................................................Amazing Grace, T-Pain, .....................................................................................................The Wiz KidFront Page..................Dante “Don’t-Grow-A-Mustache-Ever-Again” Toppo ....................................................................................................The Wiz KidNews Page..................................................Elle Schwarzenegger/ Jack Black Sports Nuts......................................................Neil Armstrong/ Zack of Harts Backpage Barons............................................................Bryan Miller/ T-PainManaging Editor.......................................................................Sadie HawkinsPhotography Editor.................................................................Laurel SwaggerBusiness Managers………..…............................................Tapp That, T-HeatChief Designer.......................................................................................T-Pain

Rogue News is published by the newspaper classes of Ashland High School, 201 South Mountain Ave., Ashland, Oregon 97520. (541) 482-8771 ext. 195. The edi-torials written by the Rogue News express the opinions of the editorial staff on issues relevant to the staff, the school and the community. Personal columns do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the entire staff and are written as the opinion of the individual author. Letters to the editor, which should be under 250 words, are encouraged. They can be dropped off outside of Room 202, put in Mr. William Gabriel’s box in the main office or emailed to RogueNews@ashland.k12.or.us. No letters will be printed without a verified signature. Letters received in the second week of production will not appear until the next issue. The Rogue News staff reserves the right to print any potentially libelous or ob-scene material, anything that would invade the privacy of others, or anything that could cause a disruption of the school environment.

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