Revising Sentences and Words

From The Longman WriterChapter 8, pages 110-138

Make sentences consistent with your desired tone

• Make sure the what you say and how you say it support the essay’s overall intended mood

Make sentences more economical

• Avoid wordiness (most instructors are skilled at spotting wordiness only intended to fill pages)

• Just because your paper is longer doesn’t mean it’s better

Make sentences more economical• Eliminate redundancy(unnecessary repetition)– EX: In the expert opinion of one expert…– EX: They found it difficult to get consensus or

agreement on the proposal.– EX: While under the influence of alcohol, many

people insist they are not under the influence and swear they are sober.

– EX: They designed a computer program that increased sales by 50%. The computer program they designed showed how the TRS-80 can be used and implemented in small business and firms.

Vary sentence type• Simple Sentences (a single independent clause)– Can convey dramatic urgency• Suddenly we heard the screech of brakes. Across the

street, a small boy lay sprawled in front of a car. We started to run toward the child. Seeing us, the driver sped away.

– Can single out an exciting point• We won!

– Using too many simple sentences can make you writing sound immature

Vary sentence type• Compound Sentences (two independent clause

joined by a coordinating conjunction, a correlative conjunction, or a semicolon)– Can help clarify the relationship between ideas

• Chimpanzees and gorillas can learn sign language, and they have been seen teaching this language to others.

• Yesterday, editorials attacked the plan; a week ago, they praised it.

• Every year billions of U.S. dollars go to researching AIDS; however, recent studies show that a large percentage of money has been mismanaged.

• Either the litigants will win the lawsuit, or they will end up in debt from court costs.

Vary sentence type• Complex Sentences (a dependent clause is joined

to an independent clause)– Can also help clarify the relationship between ideas• If you’re the “average American,” take heed. After you

hear the results of a time-management survey, you might want to budget your time differently. According to the survey, you spend six years of your life eating. Also, unless you convince your friends to get answering machines, you’re likely to spend two years trying to reach them by telephone. Finally, if you’re married, you shouldn’t expect long conversations with your spouse to occur spontaneously. Unless you make a special effort, your discussions will average only four minutes a day.

Vary sentence type• Compound-Complex Sentences (one or more

dependent clauses connected to one or more independent clauses)– EX: The Procrastinator’s Club, which is based in

Philadelphia, issues a small magazine, but it appears infrequently, only when members get around to writing it.

– While these can be impressive, because they tend to be long, too many in one essay can be tiring to the reader

Vary sentence Length

A sentence stands out most when it differs in length from surrounding sentences.

Make sentences emphatic

• Place key ideas at the beginning or end– The potentially life-saving drug, developed by

junior researchers at the medical school, will be available next month.

– Developed by junior researchers at the medical school, the potentially life-saving drugs will be available next month.

Make sentences emphatic

• Use parallel structure to underscore equality– Nonparallel: Studies show that most women today

are different from those in the past. They want to have their own careers. Many desire success. Still, others hope to achieve financial freedom.

– Parallel: Studies show that most women today are different from those in the past. They want to have careers, be successful, and enjoy financial independence

Make sentences emphatic

• Invert word order: placing part of the verb before the subject makes that sentence stand out (just make sure it doesn’t sound too awkward)– Normal: Their lies about the test scores were

especially brazen.– Inverted: Especially brazen were their lies about the

test scores– Normal: The age-old tree would never again bear

fruit.– Inverted: Never again would the age-old tree bear

fruit.

Revising Sentences Checklist

Ask yourself:• Where could unnecessary repetition be

eliminated?• Which sentence should be emphasized by

varying the length or type?• Where does sentence length get monotonous

and predictable?

Revising Words• Make sure your diction (formal/informal) and

connotations are appropriate for your tone– The young woman emerged from the interview,

her face aglow. Moving briskly to the coat rack, she tossed her raincoat over one arm. After a carefree “Thank you” to the receptionist, she glided from the room.

– The young woman emerged from the interview, her face aflame. Moving hurriedly to the coat rack, she flung her raincoat over one arm. After a perfunctory “Thank you” to the receptionist, she bolted from the room.

Revising Words

• Use specific rather than general words– Words must avoid vagueness and ambiguity by

referring to particular people, animals, events, objects, and phenomena; otherwise, readers may misinterpret what you mean.

– Change “the theaters’ poor facilities” to “wads of gum stuck under the seats, crushed popcorn tubs everywhere, a sticky film coating the floor” or else they may think you were referring to the sound quality or projection.

Revising Words• Use strong verbs (which can allow you to

eliminate unnecessary adverbs)– The waves were so high that the boat was nearly

tipping on end. The wind felt rough against our faces, and the salt spray became so strong that we felt our breath would be cut off. Suddenly, in the air was the sound had dreaded most – the snap of the rigging. I felt panicky.

– The waves towered so high that the boat nearly tipped on end. The wind lashed our faces, while the salt spray clogged our throats and cut off our breath. Suddenly, the sound I had dreaded most splintered the air – the snap of the rigging. Panic gripped me.

Revising Words

• Use original figures of speech– Metaphors– Similes– Personification– Avoid clichés

PracticeMake the following sentences more economical:1. In high school, it often happens that young

people deny liking poetry because of the fact that they fear running the risk of having people mock or make fun of them because they actually enjoy poetry.

2. It was, in my opinion, an insightful comment when the teacher noted that most of the students who complain about how demanding the requirements of the class are tend to work part-time or even full-time jobs.

PracticeMake the following sentences more emphatic:1. The old stallion’s mane was tangled, and he had

chipped hooves, and his coat was scraggly.2. Most of us find rude salespeople difficult to

deal with.3. The politician promises, “I’ll solve all your

problems.”4. We meet female stereotypes such as the gold

digger, the dangerous vixen, and the “girl next door” in the movies.

PracticeEnliven the following sentences with more specific

language and stronger verbs and adjectives.1. I got sick on the holiday.2. He stopped the car at the crowded intersection.3. A bird appeared in the corner of the yard.4. The class grew restless.5. The TV broadcaster put on a concerned air as

she announced the tragedy.

PracticeUse a creative figure of speech to convey each

item’s distinctive quality.1. A baby’s hand2. A pile of dead leaves3. A sophisticated computer4. An empty room5. An old car