COMMUNICATION CLIMATE

Relationships = Weather• fair & warm • stormy & cold • polluted • clear & healthy

Key to Positive Relationships

What are the features of satisfying personal relationships?InvestmentCommitmentTrust

Self-disclosureComfort with Relational Dialectics

Autonomy/ConnectionNovelty/PredictionOpenness/Closedness

Negotiating Dialectical TensionsFour Ways:

1. Neutralization-negotiate a balance b/t needs

2. Selection-give priority to one over the other

3. Separation-assign each to other spheres of interaction

4. Reframing-redefine contradictory needs not in opposition

What makes communication climates positive or negative?

The degree to which people feel valued by one anotherConfirming Communication=messages

conveying valueDisconfirming Communication=messages

conveying lack of regard

Disconfirm     Disagree     ConfirmImpervious Aggressi

ve         

Interrupt   Complain        Irrelevant     Argumentative      Tangential    

Recognize

   

Impersonal         Acknow-ledge

 

Ambiguous           EndorseIncongruous

           

Least Value           Most Value

Levels of MessageConfirm & Disconfirm

Disconfirming Messages-7 typesImpervious: no acknowledgement of other’s

messageInterrupting: speak before other finishesIrrelevant: comment unrelated to what other

just saidTangential: “take-away”-shift to different

topicImpersonal: clichéAmbiguous: more than one meaningIncongruous: contradicting messages

Disagreeing Messages- “You’re wrong”

Aggressive: most destructive, attacks other’s self-concept-name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering

Complaining: desire to note dissatisfaction/not argue

Argumentativeness: defending while attacking

Confirming MessagesRecognition: most fundamental-return hellos,

return an email or phone messageAcknowledgment: interested in ideas &

feelings of others-stronger form of confirm-Listening most common-asking questions, paraphrasing, reflecting

Endorsement: agreeing with other/find other’s ideas important, communicating the highest form of valuing-also, praising & complimenting

Defensiveness-Face-ThreateningDistorting Critical Information

RationalizationCompensationRegression

Avoiding Dissonant InformationPhysical avoidanceRepressionApathyDisplacement

Gibb’s Categories-Useful ToolsEvaluation vs Description

Judgments, “you” language vs description of behavior using “I” language

-You don’t know what you’re talking about!vs

-I don’t understand how you came up with that idea.-Those jokes are disgusting!

vs-When you tell those off-color jokes, I get really embarrassed.

More GibbControl vs Problem-Orientation

Imposing a solution with little regard of other vs

Finding a solution that satisfies both

There’s only one way to handle this problem…vs

Looks like we have a problem. Let’s work out a solution we can both live with.

More GibbStrategy vs Spontaneity

Hiding ulterior motives vs being honest w/o manipulation

Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week.vs

I’d like to go out to dinner more often.

More GibbNeutrality vs Empathy

Indifference vs accepting/putting self in other’s place

That’s what happens when you don’t plan properly.

vsOuch—looks like this didn’t turn out the way you expected.

More GibbSuperiority vs Equality

I am better than you messages vs others have worth

You don’t know what you’re talking about.vs

I see it a different way.

More GibbCertainty vs Provisionalism

Dogmatism, I’m right vs changeable/reasonable

That will never work.vs

I think you’ll run into problems with that approach.

Saving FaceASSERTIVE MESSAGE FORMAT

Behavioral description-should be objective-just the facts “Chris has acted differently over the last week. I cannot

remember her laughing once since the dinner party. She hasn’t dropped by my place like she usually does, hasn’t suggested we play tennis and has not returned by phone calls.”

Interpretation-meaning you have attached to behavior “Something must be bothering Chris. It’s probably her family.

She’ll probably just feel worse if I keep pestering her.” “Chris is probably mad at me. It’s probably because I kidded

her about losing so often at tennis. I’d better leave her alone until she cools off.”

More Assertive Message FormatFeeling statement-this adds a new dimension to

message“When you laugh at me, I think you find my

comments foolish, and I feel embarrassed.”Remember not to use counterfeit phrasing-I feel

you’re wrong or I feel like leaving… Intention statement-where you stand, requests

and future action “When I didn’t hear from you last night, I thought

you were mad at me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I’m still worried. I’d like to know whether your are angry.”

Responding Non-Defensively to Criticism

Seek more informationAsk for specificsGuess about specificsParaphraseAsk what the critic wants

Agree with the criticAgree with the factsAgree with the critic’s perception

Four Guidelines for creating healthy climates1. Actively build confirming climates

2. Accept & confirm others

3. Affirm & assert yourself

4. Respect diversity in relationships

Using Descriptive LanguageThis paper is poorly done

vsThis paper does not include relevant background information.How might the following be directed at you?1. You’re lazy.2. I hate the way you dominate conversations

with me.3. Stop obsessing about the problem.4. You’re too involved.

Communicating Assertively1. I guess your preference for going to the

party is more important than my studying.2. I don’t need your permission to go out. I’ll

do what I please.3. I suppose I could work extra next week if

you really need a loan.4. I don’t like it when you spend time with Tim.

Either stop seeing him, or we’re through.