reducing student cruelty and enhancing connectedness, caring, and positive relationships marcia...
TRANSCRIPT
HELPING KIDS GET ALONG REDUCING STUDENT CRUELTY AND
ENHANCING CONNECTEDNESS, CARING, AND POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS
MARCIA MCEVOY, PH.D.
LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST
McEvoy Consulting, LLC
www.marciamcevoy.com
Cell: 616- 304-2348
Let’s move away from calling every aggressive behavior “bullying.”
Harm is not just done by ”bullies.” Everyone has done something mean at some point. Let’s help
kids stop instead.
Let’s differentiate between 1)annoying/bothering
behaviors 2) normal peer conflict 3) mean/aggressive
behaviors.These three behaviors require different types of responses.
For bothering/bugging/annoying behaviors: calm-neutral face, firm but matter-of-fact voice, good eye contact:
That’s bothering me. Please stop.
(Say “thank you” or count to 5)
That’s bothering me. Please stop.
(Say “thank you” or count to 5)
Stop or I’ll report it.
(Say “thank you” or report it.)
Two important questions:
1) What is the difference between normal peer conflict and
mean behavior/peer mistreatment?
2) When should adults intervene?
First, how do you help kids resolve normal peer conflict
(a disagreement, social problem, misunderstanding)
before it escalates to mean and aggressive behavior?
PEACE WHEELName The Problem
2. Name Your Feel-
ings
3. Say What You Want or Need From The Other
Person
4. Brainstorm Solutions
5. Talk Over Each Idea
6. Pick A Positive So-lution To-
gether
7. Try It Out
SOLUTION WHEELTake Turns Or Share
Apologize
Use Humor
Bargain Or Com-promise
Get Adult Help
Avoid Or Postpone
Forget About It
Flip A Coin
IF THERE IS PEER MISTREATMENT, SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
Intervene early and often with mean behavior
Zero indifference to cruelty
Adults intervene only 29% of the time when
they see mean/aggressive
behavior.WE CAN DO BETTER
MEAN BEHAVIOR (PEER MISTREATMENT) IS ANY LOOK, GESTURE, WORD, OR ACTION
THAT HURTS A PERSON’S BODY, FEELINGS, FRIENDSHIPS,
REPUTATION, OR PROPERTY.
Mean Behaviors are...
That hurt my…
Mean Looks
Mean Gestures Mean Words Mean Actions
Body Feelings Friendships Property
Nice Behaviors are...
That are good for my…
Kind Looks
Kind Gestures Kind Words Kind Actions
Body Feelings Friendships Property
MAKE PEOPLE HARDER TO HURT
Ongoing accountability is key. Over time, keep checking back with the target. Has it stopped? It’s the adult’s job to make sure it has stopped.
Shift cost/benefit ratio – The aggressive child should have consistent consequences for continued acts of aggression.
Increase adult supervision during high-risk times.
15 SECOND INTERVENTION
I saw you ________. (Repeat to them what you saw and heard exactly.)
That was mean.I would never let someone do that to you, and
it’s not okay that you did that to ______ (other student).
We don’t do that here.That needs to stop.
Pull student aside privately. Use a calm voice.Don’t argue. Stick to the points below.
If behavior falls on the rubric, write it up using the aggressive behavior report form.
HORSEPLAY“Goofing around” or “playing” that
may include pushing, shoving, grabbing, jumping on, play
fighting, mean or rude gestures, name calling, or rude remarks in
which there appears to be no intention to hurt, but it is possible that body or feelings will be hurt.
DON’T ALLOW DISRESPECT, CONTEMPT, OR VERBAL CRUELTY CAMOUFLAGED AS “HORSEPLAY”:
1) “No offense but, …”2) “Just kidding!”3) “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything but, …”4) “Just sayin. Just being honest.” ‘
WHAT HELPS KIDS STOP BEING MEAN?
Create small daily opportunities for kids to do something kind, caring, or helpful for another kid, and then give them positive precision feedback about their helpfulness or caring behavior.
“Foot-in-the-door” Technique
EXAMPLES:1) Noticing when someone is having a bad day and taking small steps to make things better for them2) Speaking out in the face of peer pressure3) Being a good bystander when someone is getting picked on4) Having courageous conversations with friends when there is a moral/ethical lapse5) Asking help for others6) Resolving conflicts through dialogue, not fighting
Check out Philip Zimbardo’s amazing body of workwww.heroicimagination.orgCheck out Heroic Imagination Project on Facebook
Foster Everyday Heroism“Everyday heroes” notice when other people are in trouble, and try to help by responding with ordinary goodness, kindness, or
simple human decency.
STRATEGY ONE1) Have students create a Leadership Journal. List personal hero characteristics. Every day write one small way they acted heroically for the betterment of another person that day. A simple writing prompt could be “Who did you support today?”
Foster Everyday Heroism
STRATEGY TWO
2) Assign students to interview family, friends, and neighbors to find stories of everyday heroism and then have students write about and recount these stories to the class.
Foster Everyday Heroism
STRATEGY THREE
3) Show middle and high school students all six segments from You Tube entitled “NBC Dateline: My Kid Would Never Bully.” This shows kids acting as everyday heroes and can lead to interesting discussions about overcoming indifference and a failure to act when cruel behavior occurs in front of you .
Foster Everyday Heroism
Regularly scheduled
Class Meetings help break the code of
silence and bond students to the teacher and each other
IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIP, RELATIONSHIP, RELATIONSHIP
It is our job to like every kid we work with or pretend that we like them. If we pretend we like them we may actually begin to like them.
It may be necessary to hone our acting skills. This is legitimate when we realize what is at stake with kids. If necessary, fake it until you make it.
RELATIONSHIP BUILDING●Positive nurturing touch
●Talk with students respectfully
●Greet students every day. H.U.G – Hello, Update , Goodbye (10 seconds or less)
●Positive phone calls, notes, e-mails to parents
●Positive precision feedback (behaviorally specific and not based on the adult’s feelings)
●Be a silent mentor this year for at least one student (30 seconds a day)
SPECIFIC BEHAVIORAL EXPECTATIONS
Staff must discuss and agree upon appropriate behavior in a variety of settings (e.g., hallway, recess, lunchroom, bus, bathrooms). Everyone must be on same page.
Once you have consensus, clearly communicate these expectations to students and post expectations. Practice appropriate behavior in these high-risk settings.
Expectations must be Observable, Behaviorally Specific, and Concrete
Examples:●Only positive comments about others are
allowed here – no name calling, starting rumors, or teasing people about looks, ability, style, or weaknesses.
●We solve problems with words, not our bodies. We do not allow pushing, shoving, punching, kicking, choking, tripping or other physical acts that can hurt others.
●Hands off others’ property
●Play by the rules and listen during games.
POSITIVE BYSTANDER ACTIONSUse a shut down if it’s safe – strength in
numbersSupport the target later in a private, quiet
manner (face-to-face, or text)Make an excuse to get the target away Be friendly and inclusive to targets (smile at,
walk with, chat, invite to join, joke around with, etc.)
Privately tell a mean friend to stop in a calm and respectful way
For gossip/rumors – disagree politely, change the subject, use humor to distract, use the “awkward silence,” use a shut down, keep your lip zipped and don’t pass it along
Go with a target to report it, or report it yourself
Bystander Shutdowns Knock it off Cut it out Ease up Quit it
Just stop Chillax That’s mean That’s rude Lay off What’s up with
that? That’s cold Relax That’s not cool
Give it up Step off Back off Chill out Seriously? That’s weak That’s messed
up That’s annoying That makes you
look bad End it That’s getting
old That’s
unnecessary Calm down Nobody likes
that That’s just
wrong That’s boring What did that do
for you? That’s low Why are you
ragging on him/her?
Enough Seriously? Wow! That’s harsh
REINFORCE GOOD BYSTANDER BEHAVIORS5-10 minutes a week working
through the bystander scenario class activity
CREATE A BYSTANDER SCENARIOHow do you feel when you see this?
What could you and other students do in this situation that is safe and helpful?
What would happen if you did that?
What else could you do (safe, helpful)?
What would happen if you did that?
What else could you do (safe/helpful) and what would happen if you do that?
LET’S PRACTICE!!! (Role-play)
STAFF AND PARENTS NEED TO REINFORCE GOOD BYSTANDER BEHAVIORS
Accountability – if a child was present during a mean behavior episode, adults need to ask:
“What did you do to help?” “If you did nothing, why not?” “What could you have done?” “What will you do next time?” “What do we expect you to do?”
Script to Use With Bystanders or Targets Who Report To An Adult
Who was involved?What happened?Where at school did it happen?When did it start? How long has it been going on?Witnesses? (other students who saw/heard what happened)
I will not tell the mean student who told. I will keep your name out of it.
I will write this down and there will be an investigation.
Don’t go back and tell your friends. One of them might tell the student who is being mean.
Come back to me immediately if the mean behavior continues or worsens. I need to be the first to know if it hasn’t stopped.
CONFIDENTIALSTUDENT REPORT
FORM(For 5th – 12th grade)
Put Retaliation For Reporting on consequence rubric.
Put False Reporting on consequence rubric.
Bystanders must believe adults will protect them from
retaliation
RUBRIC APPROACH TO CONSEQUENCES
●Reduces student and parent anger because it’s fair and consistent across students.
●Helps build a school environment where what happens to you depends on what you do, not on staff’s mood, who you are, who your parents are, or how good you are at talking your way out of consequences.
●With a rubric-based approach, consequences never come from a person, they come from the rubric. As a result, consequences are less likely to threaten the relationship.
A TIME TO THINKName _______________ Grade/Team ___________ Date _____________
What did you do? Please be specific. Start with “I.” Tell me later about what the other student did.
What was wrong with that? Who did you hurt? How do you know that you hurt them?
What problem were you trying to solve or what goal were you trying to reach? (e.g., Did you want attention or want to impress someone? Did you want to be left alone? Were you trying to have fun? Did you want your own way? Did you want someone to listen to you? Were you already mad about something else?)
How will you solve that problem or reach that goal the next time without hurting anyone? Please list three ways to solve the problem or reach the goal.
Student Signature ________________ Staff Signature ________________
Child Rearing That Creates ChildrenWho Engage In Mean Behavior
1. Too little love, and too much freedom
2. Too much indulgence (defined as treating them like they are more special than anyone else, only deserve the best, should always be first, are more important, etc.) and too much freedom
HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT RIGHT: RAISING GRATEFUL
AND RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN IN AN ERA OF
INDULGENCEBy Sheri Moskowitz Noga
When a good friend is being mean:
1. I didn’t like it when you …. 2. I wouldn’t do that to you. Please don’t do that to me. 3. Friends shouldn’t treat each other that way.4. Can you think about it?
TWO WRONG WAYS TO RESPOND TO REPEATED MEAN BEHAVIOR FROM A FRIEND. The first two are mistakes!
1. Put up and shut up. 2. Abruptly and completely end
the relationship.
Instead, bump your friend out a ring. If they are in your best friend ring, bump them to your
friend ring (in your head – don’t tell them). If they are in your friend ring, bump them to your classmate ring. The classmate ring means you treat them politely and respectfully. You share materials, say hello, laugh at their jokes. You
just don’t go out of your way to socialize, text, call, hang out, etc. You create some
psychological space without creating an “enemy.”
TARGET HARDENING BUILDING RESILIENCY BY HELPING KIDS RESPOND
ASSERTIVELY AND CONFIDENTLY TO EVERYDAY SLIGHTS, RUDE BEHAVIOR, MEAN TEASING, HURTFUL
INTERACTIONS, ETC.
Bullying is a form of aggression that is repeated, intentional,
and involves an imbalance of power between the people involved. Bullying can take the form of a look,
gesture, word, or action.
If it is bullying, parents need to encourage their child to report it. If the child won’t report it, the parents
need to report it.
IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED, BE A SOCIAL ENGINEERArrange play dates and social activities with nice kids
in the class or grade.Help your child rely on hobbies.Get your child involved in activities outside of school
where he or she can meet new kids. Have fun together. Create a life outside your child’s
sphere of troubles. Teach ways to self-soothe.Listen actively. When your child is ready, help him or
her to problem solve (e.g., What have you tried? What else could you try? What might happen if you did that? What is your best choice? What can I do to help you?).
Let them know it’s not their fault. Reframe. Give hope.Encourage reporting.Strongly discourage retaliation.