Igor Bojović

PUSS IN BOOTS

a heroic comedy

Translation into English: Zoran Paunović

Characters

JULES THE MILLER, with a white-head that thinks even when he sleeps, later

FYODOR LE PUSS, that likes purrs lightly, and acts slyly

PETIT, the miller’s eldest son

GUERARD, the miller’s middle son

TODOR, the miller’s youngest son, averagely dumb, well-mannered and prone to

working very hard

JACQUES, court fool, craving for some higher position

GENERAL LE BREUX, a firm hand indeed!

FIRST SOLDIER and SECOND SOLDIER, guards of His Majesty

KING LOUIS THE FORGETFUL, senile and too melancholy to be jolly

VISCOUNTESS AGNES, prone to prattling, and in love with General Le Breux

PRINCESS ANASTASIA, amiable, dreamy and tender like a flower

GIANT LE GUISH, rustical master of the court of darkness and horror, a thousand-faced

incarnation of evil

THE FOREST COMES ALIVE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORY, AND LATER

TURNS INTO CATS, TIGER-LIKE, WHITE, DAPPLED, STRAY CATS, VILLAGE

CATS, SLEEK, SHABBY AND OTHER SORTS OF CATS

(Monsieur Jacques rushes to the stage. He bows to the audience.)

MONSIEUR JACQUES

Ladies and gentlemen! Oh, mon amour, mon amour, bon soir and bon jour! Monsieur

Jacques is my name, my step is light, my manners tame. Right now I am the Minister of

fashion and agriculture. I got that office owing to a puss – not an ordinary puss, but puss

in boots! I used to be a tailor and a court fool, that comes to you as a storm blast, from the

times of old Louis, Louis the Glorious, Louis the Forgetful! From times of old I come to

you, to tell you the story ‘bout Puss in Boots!

(Fanfare.)

MONSIEUR JACQUES

Well then, our story begins by the millstone in the mill of grey-haired Jules.

(Fanfare. Monsieur Jacques leaves the stage. Curtain is raised. The courtyard of the mill

of grey-haired Jules appears behind Jacques’ back.)

1. BY THE OLD MILL

(The courtyard of the mill of grey-haired Jules. His sons Petit and Guerard sit at the

garden table, playing cards. Todor, the youngest son, drags a bag of flour. The brook

ripples by the mill.)

TODOR

Alas, poor me, alas! If I were a maid, they’d call me Cinderella!

(Todor trips over something. The flour spills onto the centre of the stage. Todor falls into

it.)

PETIT

Todor, oh Todor, my brother, it is all because you work too much. And he who works too

much, suffers even more!

TODOR

It is so easy for all of you, a bunch of idlers.

(Todor waves his hand. He takes the bag. Petit eats a big sandwich. Petit is small and fat,

while Guerard is tall and thin.)

GUERARD

Hey, Petit, stop eating like that!

PETIT

Mais ouis, mais ouis, but then I’d surely be nervous as you!

GUERARD

I never get nervous. I just get worried about you. (Ironically.) I fear you might turn into a

bouncing ball.

PETIT

I will be even fatter when you lose your savings! Various titbits are waiting for me! (With

a triumphant smile.) Guerard, let us see your cards! Spades or diamonds?

(Todor goes to fetch another bag from the mill. Guerard becomes green with peevishness.

He bangs his hand upon the table. Then he resists.)

GUERARD

Seven, eight, nine, ten. I never get nervous! Hearts or clubs, king or ace?

PETIT

I see a bluff on your face!

GUERARD

You cheated me for nothing, now draw that ace from your sleeve!

(Todor runs out of the mill, agitated.)

TODOR

Enough of that quarrell, brethren, our father is sick!

(Petit and Guerard throw their cards away.)

GUERARD

Oh, no! Not again!

PETIT

Not now, when luck has looked my way!

TODOR

(Disheartedly.) Our grey-haired father is leaving us forever.

(Petit and Guerard look at him in consternation. Grey-haired miller Jules comes out of

the mill, supporting himself with two sticks.)

JULES THE MILLER

Alas, woe on me, alas! All of my days look like one another, my boys, I feel the end is

getting near. And before I go, I’d like to know what I still don’t know: what is it that

leads us to success?

PETIT AND GUERARD

(In one voice.)

A mere chance, the Wheel of Fortune!

JULES THE MILLER

And you, my youngest son, do you perchance know the answer?

TODOR

Work, work, and nothing but work.

PETIT

Work?

GUERARD

It’s nothing but a tell-tale.

PETIT

Everything in life…

GUERARD

Is gained by chance!

(Petit moves his deck of cards from one hand to another.)

PETIT

Chance, chance and nothing but chance!

JULES THE MILLER

Work and chance – and luck, just a bit? There must be something more to it!

GUERARD

And what is that, father? Just tell us, quickly, so we can get rid of that difficult question!

JULES THE MILLER

If I knew this, I would give you more. My youngest son, I bequeathe you this beaten gold

coin.

(The Miller gives the gold coin to Todor. Todor takes it. He looks at it.)

PETIT

A whole gold coin?

GUERARD

And what about us?

JULES THE MILLER

You get the mill and the whole property.

TODOR

They get the mill, and I get just this gold coin?

JULES THE MILLER

Listen carefully, my son, what your father tells you! Everything they have, you will get

by work. Just heed the prophecy written by your father: you’ll get even more, when you

find the answer! As your legacy, I give you my request: to do what I could not, though I

did my best…

GUERARD AND PETIT

And what is that? And what is that?

JULES THE MILLER

…. to marry a Princess and become a king!

PETIT

Guerard, my brother, our father’s very sick.

GUERARD

Brother Petit, he is in a rave.

JULES THE MILLER

Should you get to know the third thing, apart from work and chance, you will be able my

will to fullfill. Then you will get the biggest wealth. Therefore, be happy, do not hide

your face!

TODOR

Your will, father, cannot run the mill! Alas, woe on me, what will be my fate? They get

the mill, I get the will. Can I live on that will, father?

(The miller takes a deep breath. He takes hold of his chest.)

JULES THE MILLER

This pain in my chest

is getting stronger!

My strength is dwindling

I shall not live longer!

PETIT

Father, do not leave us! What are we going to eat, if you pass away?

GUERARD

Who will take care of us, oh daddy dearest. Oh, mon papa, stay with us, do not go!

JULES THE MILLER

Farewell, children, my time is done!

(Todor starts playing a melancholy tune on his mandolin.)

GUERARD

How can you play, when father passes away!

TODOR

I try to fight the sadness.

PETIT

Poor me, what will I eat?

(Todor goes on playing. Father gets hold of his heart. He sits in a barge with a single sail

and starts singing. The enchanted forest starts dancing.)

For hundred years I’ve sought

a cure for death,

and I’ve got nothing

but a white head!

In my life I had

a gorgeous plan

to be an alpinist,

to conquer Mont Blanc,

to marry a Princess

to become a king,

to change the world,

but myself to remain!

And of all my wishes,

just one still stays,

so what you can see now

is a miller with grey hair!

Respectable I was,

a husband loyal and true!

Industrious I was,

like no man in this world!

Therefore, I think

that paradise awaits me!

Paradis, paradis!

Farewell to all!

Goodbye! Adieu!

(Todor covers his face with his hands. The enchanted forest dances on the stage. The

forest raises the barge with Jules the Miller towards the sky. Then it yields the barge to

the waves. The waves carry the barge towards the horizon. Lightning strikes. The stage

gets covered by smoke. Some fantastic power raises Miller’s barge into the sky.)

GUERARD

What was it, mon frére?

PETIT

What shall we do now, since we don’t know to work? Shall we sell the mill?

TODOR

Don’t do that, brothers! I offer you myself. I ask for no more than a piece of bread, and a

brick roof instead of the sky….

PETIT

You know, my brother, we cannot feed ourselves…

GUERARD

Because we don’t know to work. Our similarity lies in inability!

TODOR

Here, I will grind the wheat instead of you. That’s what I will do!

PETIT

Wheat, wheat, wheat…

GUERARD

Throughout this floury life of ours, we just grind and grind! Well now, I’ve had enough

of that! I will tell you what I will – I would like to sell the mill!

(Guerard bangs his hand upon the table. Suddenly everything starts trembling. Brothers

hardly stand on their feet. Horrible rumbling is heard. Everything trembles as in an

earthquake.)

PETIT

Alas, brother Guerard, what’s going on?

GUERARD

Everything trembles, everything shakes, as if someone would like to make bread of us!

PETIT

Oh, bread! Shall I ever eat it again?

(Todor covers his head with his hands. Huge and ugly Giant Le Guish emerges from the

dark. Everything trembles even more with his step. )

PETIT

G-g-g-g….giant!

GUERARD

Giant Le Guish!

TODOR

A tyrant and a villain!

GIANT LE GUISH

(Singing.)

But your benefactor!

I am arustical giant, indeed,

guilty for many a misdeed!

With my left hand I spread disease,

and with the right I can make you freeze,

to the world I bring ruin with ease,

to the world I bring ruin with ease!

With both hands I offer the war

so that brothers may destroy each other!

Abandon all hope,

you’ll perish and fall

for my ultimate goal

is to destroy you all,

is to destroy you all!

Now that I see how the things go, I think I’ll buy your property and all! And, listen to me,

my servants you will be.

PETIT

My heart quivers, my head thunders....

GUERARD

And as for me, I will die of hunger!

PETIT

We are too weak to be of any use to you!

GIANT LE GUISH

You are such fools! You will be paid in gold!

PETIT

Paid in gold?

TODOR

And you’ll lose your soul!

GUERARD

Anything can be bought for gold!

PETIT

I cannot go on like this, and although unwillingly, I do concede!

GUERARD

I... I...

TODOR

Don’t, Guerard! Do not accept! Do not lose your spirits, Guerard!

GUERARD

I am so sorry, Todor, my brother. My grief is so big, and I am just a man – I’m not made

of steel!

GIANT LE GUISH

Ha, ha, ha!

PETIT

Don’t protest, Todor, join your brothers.

GUERARD

There will be some gold for you, too!

TODOR

Never! Even if I’m never to see sun any more!

(The Giant howls.)

PETIT

Has he gone mad or is he just raving?

GUERARD

Woe on him who makes him angry!

GIANT LE GUISH

I used to be a man,

but could not go on!

A brute beast I’m now

destroying people’s homes!

For it is not easy

when you are so ugly!

Take me as I am

or you’ll be damned

you know I’m so sad

with this ugly head!

I have an ideaa, however

and for me it is now or never,

where the house stands now

I will make a valley somehow!

For it is not easy

when you are so ugly

and I’m desperate, really

’cause nobody loves me,

you know I’m so sad

with this ugly head!

(The Giant howls. He uproots the mill from its foundation.)

GIANT LE GUISH

Follow me, my servants, you who have given me your souls!

(Petit and Guerard look at the Giant in awe.)

TODOR

He will turn you into slaves! Don’t be stupid, brothers!

(Petit jingles a sac of golden coins. He spills the coins onto his palm and laughs.)

PETIT

One, two, four and three

I am so stupid and glad for it!

(Guerard jingles with two sacs of golden coins.)

GUERARD

Four and five, and one, two, three

You are not more stupid than me!

(Exiting, they stop. They turn towards the audience.)

PETIT AND GUERARD

(Together.)

Let us go and tell everyone:

It is so nice when you are dumb!

PETIT

Come on! Hop! Bye-bye, smart ass! Ho, ho, ho!

(They follow the Giant, who leaves the stage, laughing aloud. The Giant carries the mill

under his arm. Lightnings strike, thunders roar, the earth trembles. Then everything

becomes quiet. Todor is left alone on the empty field. He looks at the coin, sadly. Then he

puts it in his pocket. Plaintively, he plays mandolin. The wind howls. The enchanted

forest springs out from the earth. The trees bow their branches into an arch over Todor’s

head. The forest hums, the trees blacken.)

FOREST

Hum, hummmmmmmm!

TODOR

Alas,

my fate puts me on trial

so that in time of crisis

I have become an orphan.

Tired and weary,

step after step,

for this deep darkness

I am quite inept.

FOREST

Hum, hummmmm...

TODOR

Though we worked

oh, so very hard,

we loved each other

and had a nice time.

But what happens now?

Oh, woe betide,

am I to go on

all on my own!

A single thought

flashes through my head

I have to find food

or else I’ll be dead!

Ahoooooy! Is there anyone in this gloomy forest?

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, a loaf of bread falls into his hands.)

TODOR

Look! Bread from the flour that was ground in our mill! By hundreds of meagre harvests,

I could not hope for this!

(Todor takes a quick bite at the bread. A strange light brightens the stage. A barge

emerges from the dark, with the spirit of grey-haired miller sitting in it, turned into a

shabby, old tomcat. The cat has big moustache and smokes a pipe. Todor looks at him,

fascinated. The light diminishes. The barge swings upon the waves. The puss nimbly

jumps in front of Todor.)

FYODOR LE PUSS

Fyodor Le Puss, pleased to meet you. Do not fear, do not run away. There is love in my

heart, only for you. I would like to offer you some help, my son.

TODOR

I think I can manage by myself somehow.

FYODOR LE PUSS

By entering the darkness of the woods? What is it that you are looking for?

TODOR

Well, I would like to work and...

FYODOR LE PUSS

And...

TODOR

And if I’m lucky enough to get some good job...

FYODOR LE PUSS

A good job and a bit of luck, but what’s the third thing...

TODOR

That’s what I would like to know...

FYODOR LE PUSS

Would you?

TODOR

I would. If I knew that, my father’s last will I could fulfill...

FYODOR LE PUSS

How can you think of your father, being so hungry?

TODOR

I am sorry for him, if you didn’t know!

FYODOR LE PUSS

(Beaming.) Well, if it is so, there we go! I will help you in everything!

(The Puss helps Todor get up. He looks at the bruises on his arms and legs.)

Look at those bruises, got from the fall! I will feel your grief, every pain and all.

(The Puss offers his paw to Todor.)

TODOR

No one has ever given me such caress... I feel I could cry, from sheer happiness!

(Todor falls into the Puss’ embrace.)

FYODOR LE PUSS

There is no knowledge inside the dark woods, but among the people, my son. I shall lift

you to the heights that your eye can’t see!

TODOR

I can’t believe!

FYODOR LE PUSS

I do profess, for I am sure of that! Just give me that coin, to buy me some clothes!

(Todor steps back from the Puss’ embrace.)

TODOR

The coin?

FYODOR LE PUSS

One coin, like no coin at all!

TODOR

Let it be, then! I will not lose much, but I could gain something! As the things go – what I

have is yours!

FYODOR LE PUSS

You’ll not be sorry for that, because...

(The Puss takes Todor by his arms. He starts dancing with him.)

FYODOR LE PUSS

I shall teach you to dance, I shall teach you everything that is noble. A step to the left,

then two to the right, you’ll learn to dance without any fright!

TODOR

To and fro, there we go! And again!

(The Puss dances minuet, while Todor stomps and jumps out of rhythm. The Puss looks at

him, then waves his paw.)

FYODOR LE PUSS

With a little will power, you will dance better. Now let us go to the Royal Lake!

TODOR

The Royal Lake?

FYODOR LE PUSS

That’s where the tailor lives, the one that makes suits. Three, four!

(They dance. This time Todor dances a bit better. They dance away from the stage.)

2. THE ROYAL LAKE

(The mist raises from the lake. The Puss and Todor dance towards the Lake. From the

other side, out of nowhere, approaches Jacques, the court fool. He hums and whistles. He

carries magic boots and a suit á la Gascoigne. When he speaks, he uses affected French

accent.)

MONSIEUR JACQUES (sings)

Ooh la la, ooh la la,

let the music play!

Ooh la la, the fool is coming,

over the hills, from far away!

Oui, oui, some people think I’m a taylor,

some think I’m a cobbler, some think me

a magician, who plays it cool,

while in fact I am but a fool!

With the royal taylor working so hard

because of cuffs no one will cry!

I sew and patch all day long

till I’m so weary I just can’t go on!

I mend heels, repair soles

working myself right to the bones!

And it is only with the royal cobbler

that old shoes become new, not older!

(He pretends he has just seen the Puss and Todor.)

MONSIUEUR JACQUES

Ooh la la, new patrons!

Goods for dimwits,

boots in summer,

sandals in winter!

Come on, folks!

Be noble in Grenoble!

A suit, sword and hat,

for this naked cat!

(Jacques dances around the Puss, assisted by the fairies from the Royal Lake. Todor

looks at them confusedly. The Puss gives the twisted coin to Jacques. Jacques takes a bite

at the coin. He gives the pieces of his clothes to the fairies, one by one. The fairies dance

around him. They dress him. Jacques sings.)

MONSIEUR JACQUES

I do offer, that’s for sure,

right from these magic boots,

a hat, a sword and a suit

all of them veritable rarities

that once belonged to

Gascoigne musketeers!

He who carries them

will be brave and wise,

with many other

properties so nice!

Ooh la la, I’d better flee, before they change their mind!

(Jacques leaves. The fairies dance back to the lake. The Puss struts before Todor. Every

now and then, he looks at his own reflection in the water.)

TODOR

Listen to me now, you Puss! I’ve had enough of that!

FYODOR LE PUSS

Don’t be a fool, Todor.

TODOR

It’s all very well for you. You took my last golden coin for your suit.

FYODOR LE PUSS

My, my, don’t tell me you’d cry for a single coin! Look! What is it that I see. What a

noble scene! Oh, mon dieu!

TODOR

What do you see? Come on, tell me.

FYODOR LE PUSS

Quelle boteaux! Come nearer, come, come. The Princess is bathing while the mist *is

lifting.

(Todor looks in the same direction. The mist lifts on the other side of the lake. Princess

Anastasia is bathing in the lake. She splashes the water and sings.

PRINCESS ANASTASIA

You mighty waves,

swimming with the wind,

do you perchance know

where is my dear?

Do you perhaps know

who’ll propose to me

and who will be wearing

the royal ring?

TODOR

Oh! How beautiful she is! Oh! My heart tears in two!

(Mesmerized, Todor goes towards the Princess. At the very last moment, the Puss catches

him and hides him into a bush. They watch the Princess from there.)

VISCOUNTESS AGNES

Make haste, Princess Anastasia! Make haste! It’s very late. We must not stay here long!

PRINCESS ANASTASIA

I will make haste because I have no choice! And I would so much like to bathe a little

more. This water is so pleasant...

TODOR

Oh, I think so too! I would like to dip myself a little! I... I must approach her.