Polterguy

Written By

Jordan Saward

Based on, if any

AddressPhone Number

1

EXT. SUB-URBAN CUL-DE-SAC HOUSE - DAY

White becomes the background for a rather intertextual 70s/80s style TITLE SEQUENCE accommodating the words ‘POLTERGUY’, complimented by the song ‘Witch’ by Goblin.

Appearing as the camera pans around we see a sub-urban cul-de-sac home. The song comes to a close.

INT. SUB-URBAN CUL-DE-SAC HOUSE - DAY

Socks shuffle into shot. Slowly we PAN UP to see PETER, a twenty-something underachiever who's biggest accomplishment is his flexible hours Avon rep job. He yawns. We are in a untidy, male decorated lounge. GUY, a twenty-something underachieving ghost who has entrepreneurial potential, is sitting on the sofa, playing a video game. He was there all night. PETER passes through him and sits next to him, picks up a game controller and presses a button. Nothing happens.

PETERThe dumb controller doesn't work.

GUYGet sum' batteries then.

PETER starts to walk out, before GUY shouts...

GUYUm, could you get sum' peach tic-tacs... Wait, the mint ones actually... Thanks!

We are thrown into a HIP-HOP MONTAGE that documents the beginning of an outing.

A ZIP is done...a TOILET is flushed...TEETH brushed...SHOES on (takes longer)

EXT. STREET -CONTINUOUS

We follow PETER on his excursion to his local newsagents. His journey is accommodated by 'Ghost Town' by The Specials. We reach a crescendo as he enters the newsagents. A store entrance sound effect initiates another HIP-HOP MONTAGE.

INT. NEWSAGENTS - DAY

Some BATTERIES are picked up...a FLAKE ice cream is grabbed...MONSTER MUNCH are grabbed...

The counter is seen in a BIRDS-EYE SHOT. The items picked up are placed on the counter, then some peach flavoured

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Tic-Tacs are placed on the counter. Not before these peach flavoured Tic-Tacs are replaced for the better, mint ones.

EXT. NEWSAGENTS - DAY

ICE CREAM in hand, PETER stands outside the store. Staring into space, he gets an ominous phone call.

GUY (O.S.)(Heavy breathing and spooky voice)

I know where you are.

A DOLLY ZOOM suggests the PETER is afraid. Then to cut tensions PETER takes a large bite from the FLAKE ice cream.

PETER(Mouth full of ice cream)

Guy, I'll be back in a minute. I literally just left.

GUY (O.S.)Pete, the lights have gone again. You didn't pay did you?

PETER turns and stares into space before seeing a want advertisement, during which GUY is perturbed.

GUY (O.S.)Pete?

PETER reads the ad and has an idea.

GUY (O.S.)Peter?

PETER(Hangs up phone)

Guy, listen, I'll see you in a bit.

PETER stares at the poster, eating the ice cream until he gets brain-freeze.

PETER(Holds his head in pain)

Arghh!

PETER rips off the poster as it action matches into the next scene.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

We are in the kitchen as PETER opens the fridge filled with

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beers, yogurts etc. to check if the power is still out.

PETERThe power's back! Guy! Guy?

PETER closes the fridge, then opens it to take a BABYBEL out.

INT. LOUNGE - DAY

We then ACTION CUT to PETER on the sofa. He turns on the television- president inauguration, static. PETE hears a faint noise- 'Unchained Melody' by The Righteous Brothers.

PETERGuy? Guy is that you?!

PETE takes a BAT and investigates.

INT. LANDING - DAY

He walks upstairs to find the reason for the disturbance. PETER reaches and opens the door, BAT in hand, 'Unchained Melody' on full blast.

PETEROh my holy Jesus!

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

A DRAWER is yanked open...A KNIFE grabbed...TEA is stirred...MILK placed in fridge...BREAD buttered

GUYYou can never get the perfect spread eh?

PETER(Still spreading the jam)

Don't try to change the subject.

GUYIt wasn't what it looked like, I didn't know you were-.

PETERSo this is what ghosts do when... y'know.

GUYRight. You would have known if you read that 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased’ pdf I downloaded

(MORE)

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for you.GUY (CONT'D)

PETERI'm not saying it's my business, I just don't want to see that again. What is my business is that we can't really afford the house.

GUYWell we could-

PETERNo. These entrepreneurial... 'schemes' always seem to end badly.

GUYThis time we could-

PETERNo, we've come along way since Halloween '04. It was fun while it lasted.

GUYWhat then?

PETERI have an idea...

INT. LOUNGE - DAY

The POSTER is pointed at...PHONE grabbed...NUMBER dialed

INT. CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

Moderate lighting in conservatory until lamp is turned on, then all lights are turned off - noir style. Colour turns to black and white.

GUYSo... Who are you?

MICHAELUh w-

PETERYeah who are you?

MICHAELI'm Michael Shawn.

GUYSo two first names huh?

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MICHAEL...Yeah-

GUYWell, Michael do you have a job.

MICHAELYeah, I am a musician.

PETER hits his hands against the table police interrogation style.

PETERLet's get back to the point huh? Do you have what it takes to live here?

MICHAELUm what does it take-

GUY hits his hands against the table but his hands go through.

GUY(Recomposing himself)

Money.

MICHAELWhoa. Uh. You're a ghost.

GUYAnd?

MICHAELI have two months worth of rent?

PETER, out of frame, offers MICHAEL some Tic-Tacs. GUY pushes a some document towards MICHEAL.

GUYRead this and sign it.

MICHAELOkay, um. GUY, a twenty-something underachieving ghost who has entrepreneurial potential, is sitting on the sofa-

GUYWhoops wrong document take this one and sign here, here, here, here and here.

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PETERWelcome to the house.

INT. LOUNGE - DAY

GUY is sitting on the sofa, while PETER is stood up plotting.

GUYSo, what's the plan?

PETER(Spins round)

Right.

Montage.

PETERWe guess MIKE'S email. We hack into his Netflix. We watch some stuff. Ruin his recommended.

PETER & GUYI like this show.

PETERThen you ectoplasm his shampoo. We retune his instruments. Have a cuppa' tea and wait for this to blow over.

GUYWait, I use that shampoo.

PETERYou're a ghost?

GUYSo?

PETERWe get MIKE'S email. We hack into his Netflix. We watch some stuff. Ruin his recommended.

PETER & GUYI like this show.

PETERYou ectoplasm his conditioner. We retune his instruments. Have a cuppa' tea and wait for this to blow over.

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GUYI don't like tea?

PETER(Eureka moment)

Get MIKE'S email. Hack into his Netflix. Watch some stuff. Ruin recommended.

PETER & GUYJust nod.

PETEREctoplasm his conditioner. Retune his instruments. Have a couple Capri-Suns and wait for this to blow over.

PETER (CONT'D)How's that for a slice of fried gold.

GUYYeah Booooooooooooooooooi!

PETER and GUY high five but it misses because GUY is a ghost.

INT. LOUNGE - DAY

PETER, GUY and MICHAEL are playing Street Fighter in order to see which one of theme leaves the flat. Frantically playing. WHIP PANS all around.

GUYTry to see if you can...

MICHAEL (O.S.)Shit!

GUYDo a combo.

MICHAEL (O.S.)Bollocks!

GUYGrab that item!

MICHAEL (O.S.)Fuck it!