lillenas drama presents flock talk just like a hen gathers ... i’d say your delivery is hitting...

“Flock Talk” is taken from Bases Loaded . . . Nobody’s Home. Copyright© 1990 by Stephen Hicks and Jerry Cohagan. All print rights administered by Lillenas©

Publishing Company. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States.

Lillenas® Drama Presents

Flock Talkfrom Bases Loaded . . . Nobody’s Home

By Stephen Hicks & Jerry Cohagan

A pastor converses with some of the more unique members of his flock

“Flock Talk” is really a series of short, lighthearted, blackout sketches. With PastorHendershot hosting each conversation, we encounter some of the more “interest-ing” characters that seem to inhabit almost every church! Topics discussed rangefrom the power of prayer to unmitigated chaos in the nursery.

These short vignettes are easy and simple to stage. They provide energetic act-ing opportunities for as little as two performers. Individually they might even fitbetween longer sketches in the course of a performance.

Anyway, God has created too many unique individuals for us not to try to meeta few of them in “Flock Talk.”

Playing Time:

3 minutes per sketch. 8 sketches total

Cast:

PASTOR HENDERSHOT: The likable, beleaguered keeper of a flock of loonies.“THE LOONIES”: See individual sketches for details.

Flock Talk(The Power of Prayer)

PASTOR: Hello there, Pastor Harvey Hendershot here, and it’s time once again forthat special feature we have every Sunday night. When just like a hen gathersher sheep unto him and leads them through the eye of a camel, we all gatherto learn more about the exciting happenings in our midst. A little time amongthe family I like to call “Flock Talk.” Our special guest tonight is one of ourleading prayer warriors, Ms. Hilda Thropper. Let’s bring her on out here.(Applauds)

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HILDA (enters, hair is in a tight bun, carries a purse and wears a pillbox hat):Thank you, please remain seated.

PASTOR (briefly touches her arm, she swats him): Hilda is here to show us howanybody can harness the power of prayer, even me! (Chuckles)

HILDA: Well, just as He used the jawbone of an ass, so too, can he use you, PastorBlendersnot.

PASTOR: That’s Hendershot. Hilda, do you have a name for this innovative conceptof intercession?

HILDA: Yes, I do. I call it the Potent Power of Prayer and Petition Priority Plan.P.P.P.P.P.P. or just (lips vibrate) for short.

PASTOR: Any little inside tips you can share to get us started?

HILDA: Be sure to fleece at least once a week.

PASTOR: You mean floss?

HILDA: No, fleece. You’ve got to throw up a really catchy fleece before God everyweek. Keeps Him on His toes, let’s Him know who’s calling the shots.

PASTOR: How do you account for your success?

HILDA: It’s a simple formula I came up with during one of your sermons. I wasworking the crossword puzzle on the back of the bulletin and it just hit me.

PASTOR (proudly): So my sermon sparked the idea.

HILDA: Pastor Henderswill, your sermon couldn’t spark a fire in a warehouse fullof charcoal with a blowtorch and a tanker full of lighter fluid. I say that inlove.

PASTOR: I’m sure you do.

HILDA: Actually, as you stepped into the pulpit I let my mind begin to wander, asusual, and I hit upon this simple 4-step plan. The first priority starts with D.

PASTOR: For dedication.

HILDA: No. Delivery. You’ve got to find a dynamic style that works for you.Remember, you’re competing with a lot of other people for His attention. So,get an edge on the competition! Polish that delivery.

PASTOR: How can you tell when you’ve got an effective delivery?

HILDA: Think of the congregation’s response to one of your sermons on a Sundaymorning.

PASTOR: Thanks.

HILDA: And imagine just the opposite.

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PASTOR: Oh . . .

HILDA: Actually, I prefer the “peek and speak” method. When you are leading agroup in prayer peek around the room to see how many people actually havetheir eyes closed. If you can land a 70-30 closed to open ratio, I’d say yourdelivery is hitting home. If not, punch it up with words like adoration,fulmination, incarceration . . .

PASTOR: So, D is for Delivery.

HILDA: The second step is E.

PASTOR: Earnestness?

HILDA: No, embellish. This goes hand in hand with delivery.

PASTOR: What about the content of your prayer?

HILDA (disappointed in him, sighs): Pastor Hendersnoot, you certainly don’t needto worry about content if you can properly embellish. Know what you want,double it, and go for it! Third priority starts with A.

PASTOR: Attitude.

HILDA: 0 for 3, Pastor Hendersmut. You must be a real hoot to play Password with.A is for Adjust. Be willing to negotiate. Give God several options. In any busi-ness transaction you have to be willing to compromise until both parties reacha mutually satisfactory deal.

PASTOR: You make it sound like a business merger. We’re talking about God, notDonald Trump.

HILDA: Finally, we wrap it up with another D.

PASTOR (mutters): For Dorky . . .

HILDA (glaring at him): Deadline. Give God a deadline in answering your prayer.That way you know when it’s time to give up and move on.

PASTOR: Can you give us an example of how this whole plan works?

HILDA: You bet your prayer shawl. Say, you decide you need a swimming pool. The prayer would go something along these lines (both bow heads):

Our Heavenly Father, who desires to fulfill every one of our needs, wecome to You as a hungry and thirsty people in a dry land. Mainly thirstydue to the intense summers here in the Midwest. We long for a cool drinkof water. Bathe us in spiritual water. In fact, may we be in over our headsin water. Something in-ground or above-ground would suffice. I’ll notlimit You, Lord. We pray for these things in Your name and beforeMemorial Day weekend. Not Thy will, but my will be done. Amen.

Nothing to it!

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PASTOR: That’s for sure. Thank you, Hilda, for joining me on “Flock Talk.” Let’s allbe sure to remember those four simple steps. Once again, that was Embellish,Delivery, Adjust, and Deadline. E-D-A-D. The “Edad” prayer!

HILDA: No, no. Delivery comes before Embellish. D-E-A-D.

PASTOR: But that’d be a “Dead” prayer.

HILDA (smiling): And all mine are.

(Blackout)

Flock Talk(A Joyful Noise)

PASTOR: Hello and welcome to another edition of Flock Talk. I’m your host, PastorHarvey Hendershot. This week’s special guest is Phil Magenta. Welcome,Phil.

PHIL (shaking hands): Thank you, Pastor. (PHIL is a rather mousy kind of guy.)

PASTOR: Tell us about yourself.

PHIL: Well, as you know, I’m a member of your church, Pastor.

PASTOR: Oh really?

PHIL (a little taken aback): Yes, I’ve been a member for the past 10 years. I’m alsothe youth choir director.

PASTOR: Oh, of course. I understand the youth choir is here to give us a message insong tonight.

PHIL: That’s correct. Anyway, as you know, I own the Gag and Gift shop in theEastgate Mall—

PASTOR: Oh, really?

PHIL (slighty offended): Yes. I donated the joy buzzers last month for the greeterson outreach Sunday?

PASTOR: Oh, yes! I remember now. (Laughing) That was one of my more inno-vative ideas, wasn’t it. That service was really jumping! Where are youlocated?

PHIL (frustrated): In the Eastgate Mall! Your son just started working for me part-time, remember?

PASTOR: Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes! And let me just say how sorry I was to hear thatyou’ve come up short about 50 whoopee cushions on this month’s inventory.

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PHIL: Oh, well find them. They’re probably just lying around somewhere. Anyway,your son seems to be a good hard worker.

PASTOR (humbly): Well, I’ve tried to teach him solid, Christian principles of hon-esty, respect, and trust. He also works here in the church part-time.

PHIL: Oh, really?

PASTOR: Yes, I’ve tried to instill responsibility by putting him in charge of settingup the chairs for the choir every Sunday. I think it’s important to instill a senseof responsibility in children. Gives them a sense of pride in a job well done.Like father, like son.

PHIL: He’s also one of my better bass singers. His voice hardly cracks at all any-more.

PASTOR: Wonderful! I’m eager to hear from them.

PHIL: They’re eager to sing!

PASTOR (turns to imaginary choir): Well then, choir, make a joyful noise!

PHIL (turns and gestures to choir): All rise.

(We hear the disgusting sounds of 50 whoopee cushions.)

PHIL (after a moment, turns to PASTOR): Well, Pastor, it looks like I’ve located themissing inventory.

PASTOR (stammering around for words): Why, I’m flabbergasted and . . . and Idon’t really know what to say!

PHIL: I think you said it best a few seconds ago.

PASTOR: What’s that?

PHIL: Like father, like son.

(Blackout)

Flock Talk(The World Hunger Bundt Cake)

PASTOR: Pastor Hendershot here. And welcome to another special moment called“Flock Talk.” This evening is world hunger awareness night here at the church,and my little flock of sheep have taken it upon themselves to help raise moneyand heighten our awareness of—

GRACE (putters in, interrupting): Yoo-hoo! Pastor Henderson! Line starts downhere for the buffet.

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PASTOR (eyeing the spread of food on the table before him): My, oh, my. You ladieshave just outdone yourself. This is by far the biggest spread I’ve ever seen forthe world hunger buffet.

GRACE: You’re too kind, Pastor. We’re just glad to be a part of the fund-raiser. Youknow what the Good Book says.

PASTOR: What’s that?

GRACE: “The quickest way to a man’s wallet is through his stomach.”

PASTOR: I don’t believe I’m familiar with that passage.

GRACE: It’s in the Book of Proverbs, I believe. It was either that or Erma Bornbeck.

PASTOR: It’s important that we’re willing to sacrifice for the sake of others.

GRACE (shoving a plate and utensils in his hands): Don’t I know it! It took mehours just to get my luscious fudge marble bundt cake to rise.

PASTOR: You know, Grace, more that half the world’s population will go to bedwithout enough to eat tonight.

GRACE (cutting a big piece of cake): Well, don’t you worry about getting enoughof my bundt cake! (Forces it on his plate) I’ll just squeeze it in next to Hilda’sburrito casserole. (Leans in conspiratorially) Just between you and me, don’tlight a match next to that casserole or well all go up in flames.

PASTOR: Well, it takes more than bundt cakes and burritos to make a difference inthis world.

GRACE: That is so right, Pastor. But I know what’ll make a world of difference inthat bundt cake is a little whipped cream! (Piles on whipped cream)

PASTOR (bemused): Well, Grace, it’s good to see you’re trying to make a difference.The problems of this world are really hitting home with you.

GRACE (oblivious): Thanks. Speaking of home, don’t forget next month we’re plan-ning a fashion show to benefit the homeless. (Thrilled) We’re decorating thewhole stage in cardboard boxes!

PASTOR: How enlightened.

GRACE: We can count on you, Pastor?

PASTOR: Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

GRACE (offering): More cappuccino?

(Blackout)

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Flock Talk(The Rock of Ages)

PASTOR: This is Pastor Hendershot again and welcome to “Flock Talk.” This weekI’m on the road just like Charles Kuralt. I’ve managed to catch up with one ofmy parishioners, Rollie Miller. Rollie, I never expected to find you out here.

ROLLIE: Me neither, but when the word’s made known you gotta act on it.

PASTOR: The word?

ROLLIE: Yeah. Me and the wife were sitting around after Sunday dinner working thecrossword puzzle you always put in the back of the church bulletin.

PASTOR: Oh! I’m glad to see people using that.

ROLLIE: Usually I have that done before the end of your sermon.

PASTOR: Thanks . . .

ROLLIE: We noticed this week’s puzzle centered around the second coming of ourLord. As you know the Missus and I have devoted some study to that. Well, wefinish it up and lo, and behold, we saw the phrase “Rock of Ages” just leap outat us diagonally!

PASTOR: We all know who the Rock of Ages is.

ROLLIE: You bet we do! That’s why we sold the house, packed up the kids and our “Last Days” study guides, and headed here to the foot of MountRushmore.

PASTOR: Why Mount Rushmore?

ROLLIE: It’s as clear as the nose on Lincoln’s face!

PASTOR: Speaking of which, what is that up there just under Lincoln’s nose?

ROLLIE: That’s the wife and kids settin’ up camp. We figure if the Lord’s gonnareturn with the blast of a trumpet, the closest thing is Lincoln’s nose.

PASTOR: Why did you pick now?

ROLLIE: What we did, Pastor, was we took the age of FDR when he died, dividedby 4 score and 7 years from Lincoln’s Gettysburg address, then multiplied bythe number of George’s wooden teeth and came up with the E.T.A. of ourLord’s return at 6:42 tomorrow morning.

PASTOR: Wait a minute! Didn’t you do this last year at about this time, too?

ROLLIE: Well, we might have, but it wasn’t near as scenic as Mount Rushmore.

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PASTOR: I remember now! I had to come down in the middle of the night and talkyou off the roof of the Burger King. You were all dressed up like Whoppers,weren’t you!

ROLLIE: All except my friend from St. Paul’s who came as a fish sandwich.

PASTOR (straightening him out): Rollie, let me tell you something. We know threethings for sure about the second coming of Jesus. No. 1—we know He’s com-ing back, and No. 2—we better be ready, because No. 3—no man knows when.Not even you, Rollie.

ROLLIE (seeing the errors of his ways): You are right, Pastor. I am completely offbase. The Lord is not coming back to Mount Rushmore.

PASTOR: Amen . . .

ROLLIE (blurting it out): He’s coming back at Space Mountain! (Yelling) Edna!Pack up the kids, we’re going to Disneyland!

(Blackout)

Flock Talk(The Volleyball Game)

PASTOR: Hello, there. I’m Pastor Harvey Hendershot and today on “Flock Talk”I’m chatting with Frank Bullock.

FRANK: Thanks, Pastor. Mainly, I’d just like us to remember Herb Nelson, my bestbuddy and neighbor. As you all know, Herb is laid up at St. Luke’s Hospital.

PASTOR: Oh, really?

FRANK: Seems he got injured at the church volleyball game last Thursday night andis suffering from a mild concussion.

PASTOR: Did you see what happened?

FRANK: Well, uh, I might’ve. It seems I might’ve spiked the ball one too manytimes off of Herb’s shiny forehead. But they were game points! Anyway, I‘spose I oughta be a big enough man to come right out and apologize to Herbfor leaving that Voit impression on his frontal lobe.

PASTOR: It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong.

FRANK: It takes a bigger man to fill out Herb’s sweatsuit. He wore those pants sohigh I thought his drawstring was a bowtie. (Chuckles, then) But seriously, itis with a contrite heart that I offer Herb my sincerest apologies.

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PASTOR: That’s beautiful. It’s easy to get carried away with that old thrill of victo-ry, or in Herb’s case, it’d be the agony of defeat.

FRANK: If I was de-feet of Herb, I’d be in agony too! (Laughing, then) Seriouslythough, I do hope and pray that Herb is back on those feet soon.

PASTOR: I’m glad to hear that, Frank. Why is it when it comes to sports nobodyseems to be able to practice what I preach?

FRANK: Good point, Pastor. Not as good as that point I made when Herb ended upwearing that volleyball as a hood ornament! (Laughing bigger, then) But Iregret it, nonetheless.

PASTOR: I’m sure Herb accepts your condolences. (Starts ushering FRANK off)

FRANK (no longer containing himself): He looked pretty funny out there, though,wearing that volleyball like a beanie! I tell ya, when Herb went up for a blockour whole team was in darkness. Talk about a lunar eclipse! (Laughing hys-terically while PASTOR takes him off) When he was on the front line, he was thefront line. And that time Herb was in the net, he looked like an albacore tunatrapped in there!

(Blackout)

Flock Talk(Earl’s Minute Lube and Bible Institute)

(PASTOR sits in imaginary car and honks horn. EARL enters and leans in window.)

EARL: Pastor Hendershot! What brings you out here?

PASTOR: Well, Earl, fill it up and check the oil.

EARL: Sure thing.

PASTOR: I’ve missed you lately at “Flock Talk” on Sunday evening.

EARL: Things have been pretty hectic lately. Did you see my new sign?

PASTOR: I guess not.

EARL (proudly): I’ve expanded! This is now Earl’s Minute Lube and BibleInstitute!

PASTOR: I didn’t know you were a pastor!

EARL: Neither did I! But I was watchin’ one of them religious programs on cable.You know, one of those that only come on at 3 in the morning. Well, it said thatI, too, could be a pastor of my own church. So, for a minimal investment overthe next 20 years, I’m ordained! None of this lifelong learning for me. Twoweeks later, POW! I’m behind the pulpit!

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PASTOR: You’re kidding?

EARL: Oh, you should’ve been here for our grand opening last week. It was excit-ing! We had all kinds of special music and free tire pressure gauges for thekids. My wife played the most beautiful offertory on a set of hubcaps usingnothing but open-faced wrenches. In fact, she’s gonna be our very first womangraduate with a major in 10-point tune-up and a minor in Old Testament his-tory.

PASTOR: Earl, I’m not sure anybody could learn Old Testament history in twoweeks.

EARL: We got Cliff Notes for every one of the minor prophets. Each graduate alsogets a Holy Land road map.

PASTOR: I’m not sure watching cable and giving out free road maps is enough tomake anybody an authority on the Bible. We’ve got to spend quality time inthe Word, otherwise everything we believe will go right down the drain.

EARL: Speaking of drain, you want to take advantage of that free radiator flushwith each fill-up?

PASTOR (resigned): I think I’ll pass.

EARL (as PASTOR drives off): Honk if you love Jesus!

(Blackout)

Flock Talk(The Hard-hat Pastor)

PASTOR: Hello, Pastor Hendershot again. I’m here chatting with one of my fel-low pastors from up the road, the Right Reverend Most High GeorgeGardner.

GEORGE: You’re too kind, Pastor.

PASTOR: Glad you had the time to stop by.

GEORGE: Me, too, We’re always about the Lord’s work over there at the FirstChurch of the Lord Holy Ghost Interdenominational Fellowship of ReformedBelievers.

PASTOR: Saying that name alone requires one of the gifts.

GEORGE: I can’t stay long. I got meetings with my church building committee,architects, contractors, construction engineers, and the landscaping commit-tee. We’re trying to figure out what to do with 50 bonsai trees. Old Mr. KimLee donated them right before he passed on.

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PASTOR: I understand you’ve experienced some tremendous growth.

GEORGE: Ever since we added the putting green and driving range out back wecan’t keep people from joining our church! We’re currently entering phase 7 ofthe campus extension master plan. We expect to break ground any day now onthe Holy Grail Shopping Mall. You know, our demographic studies show thatthe malls will be the mission fields of the 21st century. White unto harvest!Did I mention we’re the largest single construction employer in the tri-cityarea? Enough about me. What about you? How are things over there at theChapel in the Way?

PASTOR: No, no. We’re the Chapel in the Glen.

GEORGE (laughing broadly): You’re not in anybody’s way then, are you!

PASTOR: We try not to be. We figure our ministry is to meet the needs of the peo-ple right where they live.

GEORGE: I’m glad somebody is still small enough to do that.

PASTOR: You know, brother Gardner, we don’t see anything wrong with owningbuildings as long as they don’t own you.

GEORGE: I like that! I’d like to use that this Sunday for this week’s building cam-paign thrust. We’re gonna need a little financial boost to help underwrite thenew Living Waters Dancing Fountains. We intend to use that water to irrigatethe entire church campus.

PASTOR: Sounds like you are pretty much self-contained.

GEORGE: Thank you. In the world but not of it! (Beeper sounds) Whoops! That’smy pager, probably the construction engineer. Gotta run! (Does so)

(Blackout)

Flock Talk(The Hostage Crisis)

NANCY (enters running): Pastor! Pastor! Do you have a minute?

PASTOR: Sure, Nancy. Is everything OK in the nursery?

NANCY: It’s chaos! We have a major crisis on our hands. They’ve taken hostages,they’ve taken hostages!

PASTOR: What!

NANCY: It seems 12 toddlers are holding Miss Ratchet captive under a pile ofFisher Price toys. They’re demanding fresh graham crackers and no more 2%,they want whole milk!

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PASTOR: Now just calm down, Nancy. Have you been dipping into the communionjuice again?

NANCY: Don’t try to pacify me. You don’t know what it’s like out there in realministry. I give and I give for you people. And what have I got to show for it?I got little Eddie Diamond who keeps stealing the hubcaps off the Tonkatrucks! Then there’s Amber Hunnicutt who eats crayons and smothers the otherkids with her Huggies—!

PASTOR: Oh, my. I may have just the thing for you. Have you heard of the SPCNA?

NANCY: What’s that?

PASTOR: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Nursery Attendants. We nowhave full-time counselors and a 24-hour hotline for nursery worker withdrawal.Thanks to the SPCNA most nursery and day-care help can lead almost normal,full, productive lives. You might want to jot down their crisis hotline number.

NANCY: What is it?

PASTOR: 1-800-Spit Up. Perhaps you need to slow down a bit. You know, Nancy,you won’t be too much good to those kids or God if you end up a nervouswreck.

NANCY (finally calming down): You’re right, Pastor. I have been a little burned outlately.

PASTOR: Speaking of burnout, do you smell something?

NANCY (looking offstage): Oh no! They’ve set fire to the jungle gym! It’s a tower-ing inferno! Call 911, call 911! Better yet, call 1-800-Spit Up! (Runs offstageas PASTOR shakes his head)

(Blackout)

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lillenas drama presents flock talk just like a hen gathers ... i’d say your delivery is hitting...

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