Message from the Executive Director p1

• Flax Meal Protein Cakes • Success Skills for Life’s Seasons p2

Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Services p3

How to get children to fall asleep and stay in their bedroom p4

A Matter of Choice p5

When does it become too much credit? p6

Death Denying Culture p7

Women of Worth Support Group p8

Co-Dependents Support Group p8

• Confronting Caretaking: Breaking the Co-dependency Spell • What is Co-dependency? p9

CONNECT Billboard p10

• Volunteer of the Year • Canadian Health Promotion Days p11

Upcoming Educational Fall Programs, 2014 p12

Pathways

Changing our thinking means that we must look at our perceptions—ideas, attitudes and beliefs that have been forming since childhood—many of which are inaccurate distortions that grew out of earlier, negative experiences and over the years have become entrenched. For example, if I grew up in a non-nurturing environment where my emotional needs were not met, I may have developed a belief that I am unlovable. That belief may color my relationships, life choices and self-esteem. When someone rejects me or says negative things about me, I may take it to heart and believe the rejecting individuals have good reason to treat me badly since I have an entrenched and erroneous belief that I am unlovable and may be getting what I deserve.

During counselling, therapists help clients unearth those negative, self-defeating beliefs that are the filters through which life events are viewed. When I change how I think and feel about myself, I function much differently in all aspects of life and I make healthier choices. That is not to say that I will never revert to old thinking and behavior, but I recognize them much sooner and have new techniques with which to challenge that “stinking thinking.” I can reframe the event and see it differently by asking myself questions, such as: “Just because he/she said it, does that make it true? How might it be a good thing that I did not get that job or marry that person? Could it be I am being spared something worse down the road? What did I learn about myself during this encounter or event? Going forward, what would I like to do differently?”

N E W S L E T T E RFall, 2014

Our mission is to provide residents of Saint John and southern New Brunswick with hope and healing opportunities through professional counselling, support groups and educational group programs.

Change Your Thinking…Change Your Life! Message from the Executive Director, Judy Urquhart, MSW, RSW

INSI

DE T

HIS

EDIT

ION Gentle Path often gets requests from

Employee Assistance Companies or clients for counsellors to provide Cognitive Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). What is Cognitive Therapy? CBT grew out of the work of Albert Ellis (Rational Emotive Therapy) and further developed in the 1960’s by psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck. Cognitive Therapy states that thoughts, feelings and behavior are all connected. For individuals to overcome health or mental health problems—for example, depression, inappropriate expression of anger, panic and eating disorders—they need to identify and change unhelpful or inaccurate thinking (sometimes referred to as “stinking thinking”), unacceptable behaviours and distressing emotional responses. Cognitive Therapy teaches skills for individuals to learn and practice so he/she can become his or her own therapist. (Paraphrased from an article in Wikipedia)

Basically, how we think eventually leads to feelings which lead to behavior—if I think angry thoughts, eventually with enough thinking (obsessing) it will translate into angry acting out behavior. Many times, we walk around thinking that our thoughts are private, that no one knows what’s going on upstairs. However, humans have the ability to interpret body language and facial expressions. Think for a moment—have you ever gone into a room where there was an angry person and you knew they were angry, felt it even, before they even opened their mouths? And even though the angry individual denied being angry, more often than not you knew they were—clues to his or her anger might be facial expressions, body movements (tapping fingers, quickly swinging a leg, pacing, pushing down heavily on a pencil or pen, slating or slamming things around, and so on). Most will answer in the affirmative. Why is this so? Because anger is energy and it pulsates. The movie Spiderman refers to this ability as “spidy sense!”

“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...”

~ Proverbs 23:7

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Pathwayscontinued from page 1

One of my favorite quotes comes from feminist literature and says: “Of all the opinions that are passed on us, the one that needs to matter the most is the one we have of ourselves.” Helping clients change negative self-talk is an important technique in changing unhealthy behaviors and inappropriate emotional responses.

Worry and regret are often referred to as the twin thieves that rob us of our ability to be present in our lives. We can be consumed by thinking about the past, even though we cannot go back and tinker with it and make it come out differently, or we can be obsessed about the future and the “what if’s”? “Obsessive/compulsive disorder is now recognized as one of the most common causes of disability worldwide.”

(Khouzam) Anxiety disorders, depression, low self-esteem and anger problems are often the result of overthinking, ruminations of the past or obsessing about the future, both of which we have no control over, waste energy and ruin our “now.” In the words of Mark Twain: “My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which have never happened.”

Some techniques to help with obsessive thinking include:

• Distracting oneself—calling a friend, leaving the house, volunteering, exercising, going to a movie, and so on

• Self-soothing techniques—listening to favorite music, lighting candles, preparing or buying favorite foods

• Visualizing a large stop sign• Putting a rubber band around the wrist and

giving it a pull whenever one catches him/herself obsessing about the past, the future, a person or a current event

• Create a thought journal that answers the Who, What, When, Where and Why the thought is occurring. This can be very helpful in identifying the times, places, events or things that may trigger the obsessing thinking. Once that is known, a plan can be devised in calmer moments that can be called upon when one is caught up in obsessive thinking

Flax Meal Protein CakesTerry Blizzard, R.H.N., P.F.C.

Who doesn’t love pancakes? Here’s a recipe that you can enjoy guilt free. These pancakes are packed with protein and contain omega-3 fatty acid from the flax meal. Omega-3 fatty acids are not manufactured naturally in your body, and thus must come from your diet as they are essential for growth and development. Servings: 2

1. Place all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.

2. Bake on a 350-degree griddle lightly greased with cooking spray. Serve with sliced banana.

Nutritional Analysis: One serving equals: 264 calories, 4g fat, 39g carbohydrate, 3g fiber, and 20g protein.

Here’s what you need...• 1 egg and 2 egg whites• 2/3 cup nonfat cottage cheese• 1/2 cup whole grain cornmeal• 2 tablespoon whole wheat flour• 1 teaspoon baking powder• 1 tablespoon sugar• 1/3 cup nonfat milk• 2 tablespoon flax meal• 1 teaspoon grated lemon peel• Sliced banana *optional*

Success Skillsfor Life’s Seasons

for Women of Greater Saint JohnThursday, Nov. 69am - 4pmChurch of theGood Shepherd668 Manawagonish Rd.Cost: $45/personlunch and breaks incl.Some subsidies available.

For more infoor to register:Call 652-7284 (PATH) oremail path@nbnet.nb.cawww.gentlepathsj.com

What to Expect:Every season of life has its own set of challenges. There are times requiring assertiveness and self-care, seasons of overcoming difficulties when we must practice patience and resilience, and stretches of time when caring for others young or old becomes our priority. Join Gentle Path’s skilled facilitators, guest speakers and local women Thursday, November 6th, 2014, from 9 am - 4 pm. You’ll be motivated, inspired and equipped with essential skills to cope with adversity and to live life well.

Workshop Topics To-date:• Thriving in Seasons of Change and Transition• Discovering the Five Steps to Balanced Living• Active Parenting for Children and Teens• Mindfully You - “How-to’s” for Meditation and Relaxation • Body, Mind, & Spirit: Total Wellness through a Woman’s Life • Plus... special guest speakers, yoga demonstrations, laughter, wellness fair, personal growth used book sale; and much, much more!

... cont’d. on page 7

Employees – as most people do – experience many stresses in their lives. Pressures at home, pressures at work, conflicts with co-workers and family members and relationship issues all have a grave impact on their mind and actions. Unresolved, these issues can affect how they perform at work; they may not perform their duties effectively, they may seem distant and removed, or experience a number of serious health problems.

Mental health claims are the fastest growing category of disability costs in Canada. They account for an estimated 30 to 40 percent of the disability claims recorded by Canada’s major insurers and employers. Three-quarters of employers say mental health issues are the leading cause of short and long term disability claims in their organization.

Depression is expected to rank second only to heart disease as the leading cause of disability worldwide by 2020.

Presently, 1.4 million working Canadians suffer from depression. Disability (all sources) accounts for 4 - 12% of payroll costs. Health care expenditures are approximately 50% higher for those employees reporting higher stress levels.

A business’s bottom line is impacted not only by the health of its employees but also by the health of its organization.

Gentle Path Counselling Services is a registered, non-profit charitable organization that provides Counselling, Workshops, Educational Programs and Support Group Services to families, individuals, groups and businesses in Saint John and surrounding areas. We develop and maintain Employee Assistance Programs with Saint John and Charlotte County businesses and organizations, and also work with the Province to facilitate the international adoption information and home study process in New Brunswick.

Workplaces that value job satisfaction,

support work-life balance, and encourage a friendly, supportive culture have fewer problems related to stress.

All of Gentle Path’s Counsellors are registered and fully-insured, and are Social Workers or Counsellors with a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology. All appointments are always completely confidential.

“Providing residents of Saint John and southern New Brunswick with hope and healing opportunities through professional counselling,

support groups and educational group programs.”

To good mental health andwellness in the workplace!

Why should an individual or company chooseGentle Path for services?

20 Alma Street, Saint John, NB E2L 5G6Phone 652-7284 Toll-free 1 888 394-4022

www.gentlepathsj.com

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Our mission is to serve as a trustee of gifts, support charitable organizations and inspire community leadership.Our vision is to ensure a sustainable future and improve the quality of life in Greater Saint John.To find out more about The Greater Saint John Community Foundation: http://www.sjfoundation.ca/main.html

Question: Every night my son is constantly fighting sleep and getting out of bed hours past his bedtime. How can I help him to fall asleep and remain in his bedroom?

A common problem and challenge that many parents face is putting their child to bed and have them remain in their bedroom during the night. At the age of 6 months many children have developed a routine of falling asleep at night, and by elementary school most children will sleep throughout the night. However, some children are more challenging, as they fight to remain awake by frequently getting up or call out for their parents. This causes the child to become more tired and cranky, and parents to become easily frustrated and volatile (particularly after a long and stressful day at work). Although this is a shared problem among many parents, each child is unique and requires an individualized and tailored approach. Researchers have identified several strategies that appear to be effective in helping children fall and remain asleep at night.

Separate the child from the behaviour. Late at night when your child is running

out of their bedroom, attempting to play hide and seek, yelling or arguing, it is easy to forget that they are children. Many parents spend a tremendous amount of time and energy fighting with their child, as opposed to focusing on changing the behaviour. Reminding yourself that they are young children can help to change your feelings of frustration and poor responses. This also permits parents to remain calm and maintain firm bedtime routines and rules.

Establish firm and consistent bedtime rules and routines.

Children thrive on and succeed when they have consistency and structure. Routines and rules alleviate the child’s anxiety and misbehaviour, as children learn what behaviours and rules are expected. Try to establish an agreed upon and age appropriate bedtime for the child among all parents and guardians. If the child is older, allow the child to provide input into the discussion. Children are more likely to adhere to bedtime rules and routines if they are part of the decision making process. Establish a later bedtime if it takes a longer amount of time for the child to relax and settle. If you are trying to change an existing later bedtime to an earlier one, reduce the bedtime by small increments (such as 15 minutes) until you have reached the desired time.

Try to begin a bedtime routine one hour before the child’s bedtime. Parents can help cue and prompt their child’s behaviours by reminding them early that they are going to begin their bedtime routine. Incorporate relaxing and self-soothing activities into the bedtime routine such as reading a story or rocking together. This will help the child’s mind and body to relax and enter a tranquil state. The last activity should take place in the child’s bedroom, as this will help the child learn to fall asleep and remain in bed. Parents can also integrate life skills such as brushing teeth and putting on pajamas into the routine. Rewarding children with immediate positive praise, encouraging statements (such as “you are doing so well”) and rewards reinforces the child’s behaviours and bedtime rules. Parents can use behavioural charts to record and reward positive behaviours the following day. Avoid stimulating activities such as, arguments, watching T.V., playing

Question: How can I help my son to fall asleep and remain in his bedroom? Julia Forgrave, RSW

video or computer game, playing with friends or large amounts of homework into a bedtime routine. Check to ensure that any behaviours that might cause the child to wake in the night (such as using the washroom or having a night light) have been addressed.

Do not reward negative behaviour and avoid power struggles.

Children seek and strive for any form of attention from their parents or guardians. A common mistake that many parents make is they reward their child’s negative behaviours. When parents engage in an argument, lecture or yell in response to the child’s acting out or calling out, they unintentionally reward the child with negative attention, reinforce the child’s misbehaviour, and increase the child’s energy levels. This can create a negative and stressful bedtime cycle, as it teaches the child to continue to get up or call out in the night. Parents can redirect the child’s energy levels from misbehaviour to relaxing and self-soothing activities. Instead of engaging in an argument, calmly remind the child that it is bedtime and help the child to engage in calming and self-soothing activities such as; laying down with them, rubbing or massaging their back, deep breathing or reading a calming story. Helping the child to use these strategies not only teaches them important life skills, but also helps parents to remain calm and helps them to relax as well.

If your child is experiencing persistent and frequent disruptions in sleep (such as falling or remaining asleep) it could be due to multiple factors. If the child has experienced a recent trauma or change in their life (such as moving into a new home or divorce) the child may experience feelings of grief or anxiety. Feeling nervous, sad or angry can cause a disruption

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Pathways

MindCare New Brunswick is devoted to improving the lives of people all around us. Through research and education funding, MindCare New Brunswick promotes mental wellness. And through its sponsorship of expert community services, MindCare assists all those living with all types of mental illness.To find out more, visit: http://foundationhealthcarepartnership.ca

A Matter of Choice Roxanne Cole

My journey of healing has been a long time coming and for the most part, I would like to think that it is over. With that, though, is the question, “Do we ever really heal?” Let me clarify— the healing of which I speak is the physical and emotional healing following a devastating health diagnosis.

We can all agree that for many illnesses, the physical recuperation usually occurs over time and our bodies mend themselves to almost new again. The sort of healing that takes the longest is what I call the ‘emotional convalescence’ – dealing with all of the emotions that can rear their ugly heads from out of nowhere – especially when you hear those dreaded three words. They are not I love you — but YOU HAVE CANCER!

In October of 2010, I went to see my doctor for a chest cold that would not go away. I was then sent for a routine chest x-ray. No one expected, given that I am a non-smoker, that the chest x-ray would come back showing a two cm mass in my lower left lung, not pneumonia that the doctor was expecting. On January 6th 2011, I underwent surgical removal of the lower lobe of the left lung which contained a Stage 1 Typical Lung Carcenoid – a rarity when it came to lung cancer.

I healed amazingly and five weeks later I was back to work and thought I put it all behind me, but little did I know how challenging it was going to be to recover. The fear of the cancer returning and the fear that reared its ugly head every time I looked in the mirror consumed me and I became a tangled web of anger, self loathing, neediness, weepy, terrified little girl who needed help.

So where did I turn – I had no parents, no siblings, no friends near to me as I was 4500 miles across the country from my hometown when this happened, and had no family to speak of that cared enough to make the trip to be with me.

So I did what I had done many times before when a tragic situation came into my life, I turned to me, the only one I had, and my faith. A quote from an old preacher from my home town in Carleton County came to mind – he said, “You can’t go down while looking up.”... it took me a while to understand this.

I had two choices during my emotional convalescence from cancer – I could sink or swim – and after all I had been through in my life leading up to this event, I was too darn stubborn to give in, so I decided to swim.

To answer the question posed at the beginning – YES, you can heal emotionally

and you can make the choice to change the way you see the situation to which you are subjected. You can either make it work for you or against you – it is your choice.

If I may quote Plato, “There is no reality, only perception.”

So what have I learned in all of this—here is a sample of what I now know to be true:• You can do that which you think you cannot. You will never know how strong you are until you don’t think you can go on for another moment and then you prove yourself wrong.• You have one chance at this school called life – there are no makeup tests.• Take joy in the small things. • Forgive – take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel about them. • Always give back for the world does not owe you anything.• Remember that you do not know a person’s individual struggles until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Don’t be quick to judge others. • Give a helping hand. • Laughter truly is the best medicine. • Life will pass you by. Don’t wait until next year – it may not come. • Eat cheesecake!

in the child’s sleep patterns and behaviours. Several childhood disorders such as ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder), ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) or trauma related stress may influence the child’s ability to fall asleep and adhere to bedtime rules or

routines. If you are concerned about your child’s sleep habits and patterns, contact your pediatrician to determine if your child does have an existing condition. In addition, many herbal supplements exists that claim to promote sleep and relaxation. Parents should

contact their pediatrician or pharmacist prior to administering supplements to their children. If your child does have disruption in sleep or disorder, parents can contact a local child counsellor or psychologist for support and assistance. Good luck and sweet dreams.

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When does it become too much credit?Tamara Kelly, Director of Education Credit Counselling Services of Atlantic Canada

It is a reality at some point in your life you will carry debt, whether it be a mortgage, car loan, credit card or store line of credit. But how much debt is too much debt? And with all the advice out there, how do you really know?

Debt is personal; we can be embarrassed by it, overwhelmed by it and at times resent it.

So is debt a negative experience for everyone? The answer is no. In general for those that have budgeted for the debt they carry, who have set realistic goals for how long they want to carry the debt and when they will pay it off; debt becomes less of a burden and more of an opportunity to have a home or buy that new car they have been working towards.

So how do you ensure your debt experience is not a constant stress inducer? You may not want to hear this, but you have to work at it, and you have to be aware of your household spending. With a few changes in how you take on credit, you will find your relationship with debt change.

Pathways

Our mission is to improve lives and build community by engaging individuals and mobilizing collective action.Every day, Canada’s United Ways – Centraides (UW-Cs) work locally to change living conditions for the better. The issues they face may vary, but the values and purpose that drive them are the same:

to strengthen their communities and improve quality of life for Canadians.The United Way – Centraide is the only social change Movement in Canada that is not cause-specific, sectarian or political.To find out more about the United Way Centraide: http://www.unitedwaysaintjohn.com/

1. Budget. Yes we said budget, and yes you need to do it. If you do not have a budget, you will not know what you can afford to borrow, and what you will need to sacrifice in order to borrow.

2. Know your limits, not the lender’s limits. The adage that they would not lend it to me if I could not afford to pay it back does not apply. Credit limits, in general, are based on capacity and credit history. This formula does not take into account that you have two kids in day care and a seasonal site for the summer. In regards to the credit limit, it is important to realize that the limit is the most they are willing to lend you, if you hit it you are essentially maxed out.

3. Do an inventory of your debt. Are there opportunities to consolidate (and then close) debts? Are you receiving the maximum benefits (i.e. interest rates, repayment options)?

4. Set financial goals. Make a plan and stick to it. If your main goal is to be car loan free, do not cruise the car lots once your car is paid in full.

5. Be aware of what you sign. Interest free does not mean cost free. If you are paying deferral fees, annual fees, financing fees, they need to be factored in on your

cost of borrowing. Always ask if there are penalties for paying off the debt early, are there associated insurances, and how does the interest accumulate?

There are also personal best practices you can implement for yourself before you borrow:

1. Determine what you can afford in a monthly payment.

2. Do not stretch the payment out to make it more affordable, three years is optimal.

3. If you have a dual income household, budget your debt capacity off of one income.

4. Compare interest rates and options.5. Take a day to think about it before

you sign on the dotted line.In the end you are in the driver’s seat

of how much debt you carry, by following these tips you will be ever closer to your financial freedom.

If your debt situation is overwhelming please give us a call at 1-888-753-2227, our offices are located at 20 Alma Street in Saint John. www.solveyourdebts.com.

Pathways

of a loved one is that what I say mattered less than my willingness to say it. By being open and comfortable talking about death, I have learned that the grieving and bereaved want to be able to talk about their feelings, the memories of their loved ones and how to keep living while doing the emotional work involved in grieving. “Those who learned to know death, rather than to fear and fight it, become our teachers about life.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1985).

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Death Denying Culture Lori McIsaac-Bewsher, MSW, RSW

As a nation-wide, voluntary organization, the CMHA promotes the mental health of all and supports the resilience and recovery of people experiencing mental illness through advocacy, education, research and service.To find out more about the Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.foundationhealthcarepartnership.ca/mindcare/.

For over 100 years, Boys and Girls Clubs across Canada provide a safe, supportive place where children and youth can experience new opportunities, overcome barriers, build positive relationships and develop confidence and skills for life to achieve their full potential as adults, citizens and leaders.To find out more about the Saint John Boys & Girls Club: http://www.sjbgclub.com/main.html.

Boys & Girls Club of Saint John

I first came across the idea of our society being a “death denying culture” as a student in sociology many years ago and I have reflected on this concept many times during my experiences through adulthood. Generally, as children we are shielded from unpleasant topics and conversations about death and dying are not eagerly initiated by parents until absolutely necessary. When children do begin to understand that death exists, often following the loss of a pet or an older relative, we offer assurances that although death is inevitable, it is not a topic that we should give too much thought to while we are still living. As we age and experience more death in our lives, whether close to us or even in the news and media, we might find ourselves experiencing emotions that are difficult to process. While tears and sadness are often expected, we might also feel more complex emotions such as guilt, remorse or regret. The grieving process requires emotional work and in a culture that tends to value pleasurable activities and instant gratification, it is understandable that contemplation of death and dying is generally avoided. At the same time,

as a culture we have moved away from providing physical care to dying loved ones in our homes towards paid caregivers in hospitals or alternate settings which makes death even easier to avoid and deny while we are off busy living our lives.

So how does this impact upon our ability to grieve when we are faced with the death of a loved one? If we have always been discouraged from thinking about or preparing for death, we are left without strategies to deal with it when it does happen (and it will). We may not want to burden our friends or families with our emotions because we have been taught that talking about death is uncomfortable and is best to be avoided. We also may question whether we are even grieving in the proper way as when a death occurs it does not arrive with clear rules and expectations. As a result, we might feel that we are alone in our grief and that others cannot possibly understand the pain that we are experiencing. There are many ways that we can provide support and understanding to those experiencing death in our lives and communities. What I have learned by talking to people who are dying and those who have experienced the death

“Change Your Thinking... ” cont’d. from page 2

• Meditation – One technique is to picture each obsessive thought as floating away in a bubble. (Practice beforehand to be familiarized with the technique.)

• Schedule a time for worrying or obsessing. Have a worry chair and an alarm clock that l alerts the end of the worry time. In this way, rather than wasting a whole day or days worrying or obsessing, it can be put aside for the “worry time”

• Practice relaxation techniques. There are lots of books available to teach you how

• Join a group where you can meet other like-minded people

• Work with a counsellor• Talk to your doctor about the possible

need for medication

Co-Dependents Support Group

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SUPP

ORT

GROU

PSWomen of Worth Support Group

Do you have low self-esteem? Do you have to say “yes” to people when you really want to say no? Do you have difficulty accepting people? Do you want to work on your personal development?Co-Dependents Support Group topics focus on developing nurturing relationships, expressing feelings appropriately, and learning how to ask for help or have one’s needs met. This group also promotes self-care and balance in life, teaches how to confront addictions, including work, food, relationships, control, shopping, etc.

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While we are

dependent upon

fees to cover

Group expenses,

all are welcome to

attend any of the

support groups,

even if they are

unable to manage

the $5 fee.

The Co-Dependents Support Group meets every Wednesday evening from 7:00 - 8:30 p.m. at the Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John

The Women of Worth Support Group meets every Tuesday evening from 7:00 - 8:30 p.m. at Sophia House, 83 Hazen Street, Saint John

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A trained facilitator guides each support group for both the Co-Dependents Support Group and the Women of Worth Support Group, and anonymity is stressed. The groups provide a safe, non-judgmental environment where members are supported as they share experiences and learn.

For further information on either of these Support Groups,

please call 652-6114 or email: Marketing @nbnet.nb.ca

OCTOBER 1st Feeling our Feelings - Step 2

8th Prayer and Meditation - Step 1115th The Serenity Prayer in Daily Life - Step 12

22nd Open Meeting 29th Friends, Family and Recovery Step - Step 8

NOVEMBER 5th Detaching in Love - Step 1

12th Boundaries - Step 919th The Transformatin Steps - Steps 6/7

26th Making a List - Step 8

DECEMBER 3rd Appreciating our Past - Step 410th Our Higher Power - Step 3

17th Continuing our Inventory - Step 1024th Becoming empowered - Step 1

31st Open Meeting

SCHEDULE

Would you like to be more assertive? Do you have low self-esteem? Does meeting people frighten you?Women of Worth Support Group focuses on building self-esteem, improving your self-confidence, developing a support network, and practicing new skills in a safe environment, this group can help.

OCTOBER 7th Setting and Respecting Boundaries

Without Guilt12th Controlling Anger: Before it Controls You

21st Foregiveness: Giving Up Grudges and Bitterness

28th Feeling Grateful: How it HelpsNOVEMBER

4th Dealing with Guilt and Shame11th Being Honest with Ourselves and

Removing Our Masks18th Surviving Serious Losses

25th Achieving SerenityDECEMBER

2nd Benefits of a Strong Spiritual Practice 9th Stress, Depression, and the Holidays16th Loosening Christmas Expectations23rd The Power of the Present Moment

(Mindfulness) 30th Open Meeting

SCHEDULE

In her words...“I am a woman of worth and I did not believe that when I first first joined the support group. I am not sure about the date but I think it was around June. After a few weeks I started BELIEVING AND NOW IT IS MY LIFE LINE. Since that day, I am meeting friends and always looking forward to every Tuesday. I would be lost without THE WOMEN OF WORTH GROUP.” ~ a friend from WOW

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Confronting Caretaking: Breaking the Co-dependency Spell Margaret Totten, MA, RPC, CPCC

Are you a natural caretaker? Do you rescue others, or worry a lot about other peoples’ problems? Being generous is wonderful, but if nothing is flowing back to you, resentment and frustration will most likely build over time. You might be beating your head against a brick wall, thinking “Why won’t they listen to me?”. You could also feel disappointment and hurt when loved ones are ungrateful for your help, or even respond with indifference or hostility.

To be healthy we need to learn to both give and receive. Once we see that our relationships are out of balance, we may need to step back to get perspective. This sounds easy, but suddenly giving less than usual may trigger feelings of guilt and threaten our sense of self.

There is help. We can approach setting boundaries like any habit we want to change. We first admit to ourselves that unhealthy giving is a problem in our life, and then become willing to take stock of the damage. We’ve probably minimized or denied the extent of our caretaking over the years, saying things like “It’s not that bad,” or “He just really needs me”. To change things, we need to be honest with ourselves and face the truth. If we do this, the negative emotions we’ve been dodging can become the fuel for new, healthier self-care.

Codependents are people who let the feelings and actions of another person affect them to the point that they feel like they have lost control of their own lives. Some symptoms of codendency may include:

• Excessive Care-taking: Feel overly responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being

A secret of change is that we can change our patterns by being aware of the “payoffs” we get for our behaviour. We really only do what works for us on some level, so, our next step is to face what is driving our caretaking. Underneath our busyness, does it feel good to be needed? Does feeling needed help us cope with anxiety and feel loved and safe in our world? Does our over-giving come with strings attached?

We can become aware of these motivations or “payoffs”, in turn, by noticing the places, people and times that trigger our desire to care take. We can notice when the balance has shifted, when we’ve done the same old thing again, or when our inner voice is screaming that something doesn’t feel right. For example, do we end up giving in or bailing out family or friends to escape constant arguing, whining and conflict? Are we more likely to give too much when we are feeling insecure?

We can then go further and be mindful of what we say to ourselves in these situations. Do we have “should’s” or “must’s” that contribute to our caretaking, such as “I must take care of this person” or “I have to say yes”? If our caretaking habit has deep roots, we can also ask ourselves when we first remember feeling this way, or first heard these words. Family rules or childhood

wounds that are old and layered, and not always about the current situation may be driving the bus. They may be at the heart of our compulsion to give too much.

Self-knowledge is real power. Once we know what pushed our buttons, we can start taking small steps towards change. We can “unhook” from people and situations causing us heartache. As opposed to being an unhealthy “running away” from problem, this can provide space and time to consider what we truly need and want. We can determine whether the root of the problem is not feeling worthy, and instead, work on building self-esteem through self-care. Self-nurturing activities, reading, counselling, or attending support groups can strengthen us, so that when others challenge our new behaviour, we have the tools to stand our ground and deal with difficult emotions. Finally, we can grow our support system to include healthy, new friendships, to allow ourselves the gift of receiving from life as well as giving.

Feeling trapped is a symptom of co-dependency, and it is an illusion. We are not controlled by anything but our present perception of ourselves or our situation, and when we finally confront unhealthy caretaking and break the spell, we can give others the valuable gift of our true selves.

What is Co-dependency?• Low self-esteem: Need to be needed in

order to feel valued and important.• Blame themselves for anything that

goes wrong • Denial: May ignore, minimize or

rationalize problems in the relationship. Believe “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.

• Fear of anger: Are afraid of their and others’ anger

• Health problems: Stress, headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure, etc.

• Addictive behavior: May develop addictions in an attempt to deal with pain and frustration.

If this sounds like you, join us for the CoDA Support Group meetings... for details see the far bottom left corner of page 8.

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Rev’d Chris McMullen shown top left corner in group presentationrepresenting all the

successful recipients of MindCare NB grant monies.

Winner of the Fathers Day basket, Randy Brown of Fairfield, NB, was notavailable to accept hisprize but shown here is

daughter, Shannon, accepting it for him – she vows to borrow his horseshoe!

Executive Director,

Judy Urqhuart presenting

Melanie Theriault shown

with herhusband, Joseph,

with her prize winning

Mothers Day basket.

Basketball Workshop in June

facilitated by Steve DeLuca

Facilitators, Mike & Lori Brewsher at the Adoption Seminar in February

Ticket Sales at Canadian Tire east Saint John for...

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Canadian Health Promotion DaysSeptember

October

November DecemberWorld Suicide Prevention Day • September 10th World Peace Day • September 21st

Person Day • October 18th

International Day for the Abolition of Slavery • December 2ndInternational Day of Disabled Persons • December 3rdNational Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women • December 6thHuman Rights - December 10th

International Day of Tolerance • November 16thInternational Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women • November 25th

Pathways

Volunteer of the Year Eugene McKenelleyEugene has been involved with Gentle Path since its inception and has served in many capacities—Bookkeeper, Treasurer on the Board of Directors, Fundraising, Group Facilitator, Repairman and “Jack-of-all-Trades”! He certainly embodies the Spirit of Volunteering and is well-regarded by Staff, Board and Volunteers. This designation as “Volunteer of the Year 2014” is long overdue and well deserved.

How did you become involved with Gentle Path?Having experienced two losses within a very short period of time I learned the benefits for myself of reaching out for counselling and taking various group programs all geared to help the participants learn what they could/could not change. Knowing the benefits myself and seeing the change in others, I willing joined with a group supporting the vision of helping others. This was the beginning of my involvement with Gentle Path.

Q.A.

What programs have you been involved in?

16 years is a long time to volunteer. Can you tell us why you stay involved?

Support Groups - Loving Me/Loving You, Men’s Challenge for Change, Co-Dependents Support Group and Rebuilding.

Educational Programs - Backward with Gratitude ~ Forward with Hope (Parts 1 & 2, using the 12 Steps as the Foundation of the program), Beyond Co-Dependency (Parts 1 & 2, using the 12 Steps as the Foundation of the program,), Step-Parenting and Conflict Resolution.

Watching people discover themselves and make the necessary changes to have a rewarding, fulfilled live is wonderful to watch and it also encourages me to maintain and pursue more personal growth for myself.

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What has been the most meaningful volunteer experience you have had?I’m unable to pick just one experience. I’ve experienced so many people who have had numerous “light bulb” moments and they have all been meaningful to me. Seeing how individuals have been able to move forward in their lives after discovering how carrying unresolved anger has affected them for years, picking themselves up after experiencing

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If someone you knew was dealing with anger, separation/divorce, low self-esteem or lack of assertiveness, what programs would you feel comfortable recommending?

How does one become a helper rather than an enabler when volunteering?

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Based on my personal experience I would recommend any of the Gentle Path programs I’ve attended. I would also recommend one-on-one couselling. The individual would need to make the choice for themselves. All the programs deal with the above issues to various levels. Backwards with Gratitude ~ Forward with Hope (formerly known as Recapturing a Lost Childhood) is definitely the one that had the biggest impact on my personal growth.

I believe one has to be present and in the moment, be able to detach and not have another person’s issue become their own personal responsibility to fix. I do not have the power to fix issues for others but I can be supportive and encouraging. Taking another’s issue and telling him/her what to do is a big “NO, NO.” What worked for me probably would not work for another. Each individual must make their own discoveries and solutions regarding life issues. If I were to enable another by stepping in and attempting to apply my solution to their problem, I rob them of their chance to have personal growth and they never get to learn how to solve their own issues. By being a helper I will listen, question and be supportive of the individual as he/she comes to understand their issue and decide their own path that will lead to a resolution they decided on and hopefully one that will lead to a happier and more fulfilled life.

a love lost or finding themselves through self-esteem courses have all been meaningful experiences. Numerous times I’ve had goose bumps just realizing I’m hearing or seeing an individual take hold of their life.

Below is a brief interview with Eugene:

Pathways

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Backwwards with Gratitude This is a six-week educational program for adults wanting to learn how the past impacts the present in their lives. When: September 9, 2014 Where: Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John Time: 6:30pm - 9:00pm Cost: $125Loving Me Loving You This is a six-week program of personal growth and development for women. When: Fall 2014 Where: Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: $125Men’s Stress & Anger This six-week program is appropriate for any adult male who would like to learn how to control anger and stress in his life. When: Fall 2014 Where: Gentle Path Counselling Services, 20 Alma Street Time: TBA Cost: $125Secrets to Successful Relationships This is a one-day VIDEO based workshop, designed to help individuals and/or couples learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships. When: Fall 2014 Where: Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: $50/person or $75/coupleSeasons of Grief This is a free eight-week grief program for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. When: September 17, 2014 Where: TBA Time: 6:30pm - 8:30pm Cost: FREE

ADULTSActive Parenting Now This is a six-session Video/Discussion program focusing on children ages 5 - 12 years. The program teaches parents to raise responsible, cooperative children who areprepared to meet the challenges of the teen years.This program provices parents with skills that will help them develop in their children:

• Cooperation• Responsibility• Self-Esteem

When: Fall 2014 Where: Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: $125/person or $200/coupleThe Heart of Parenting This is a three-week program focusing on successful parenting. When: Fall 2014 Where: Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: $75/person or $125/coupleAnger: Friend or Foe This is a six-week program for women seeking to understand and cope with anger and depression. When: Fall 2014 Where: Church of the Good Shepherd, 668 Manawagonish Rd., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: $125/person or $200/coupleParenting Children with ADHD This is a six-week program that focuses on helping parents and guardians having difficulty parenting a child between the ages of 5 and 12 years diagnosed with ADHD. When: Fall 2014 Where: TBA Time: TBA Cost: $125/person or $200/couple (some subsidies available)

Upcoming Educational Programs Fall 2014 - Now taking registrations!CHILDREN’S PROGRAMS

The Best You (girls ages 13 - 25 years This six-week self-esteem program is for teen girls’ ages 13 - 15 years to develop and increase self-esteem. Participants will learn what self-esteem is, explore factors that influence self-esteem, and learn ways to increase feels of self worth. When: Fall 2014 Where: Boys and Girls Club, 1 Paul Harris St., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: FREEChildren of Separating Family (ages 8 - 11 years) This is an eight-week program for boys and girls dealing with anger, sadness, anxiety or other difficulties due to parental separation or divorce.. When: Fall 2014 Where: Boys & Girls Club, 1 Paul Harris St., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: FREEThe Self Esteem Garden (ages 8 - 10 years) This is a six-session program for boys and girls (8 - 10 years of age) intended to help children increase their levels of self-esteem. Course focuses on behavioural, cognitive, verbal, and emotional skills using the gardening analogy to involve children in a fun way! When: Fall 2014 Where: Boys & Girls Club, 1 Paul Harris St., Saint John Time: TBA Cost: FREE

PHONE TOLL FREE EMAIL WEBSITE 652-7284 1 888 394-4022 path@nbnet.nb.ca www.gentlepathsj.com LOCATIONS - 20 Alma Street, Saint John, NB 28 Main Street, St. George, NB