OTHER THAN NOTCHES ON THE DESK

Florence Bienenfeld"

To many laymen as well as professionals successful marriage counseling means helping couples to reconcile; another notch on the desk. Much important work i s done at Conciliation Court that does not lead to reconciliation. The value of marriage counseling cannot be measured by the number of reconciliations alone. When a marriage cannot be saved, there are s t i l l people to be rescued from the debris of a broken marriage. Society benefits greatly from the work Conciliation Court counselors do to help these battered families.

Behind the closed doors, in the privacy of the counselors' offices reconstruction of marriages and lives goes on. People who come to Conciliation Court are under great stress. Their lives are in a turmoil and their minds are confused. They often fail to realize the full range of options open to them as adults. Life can dangle on a delicate thread. There is the danger of losing much more than the marriage. People can also be lost.

Much of the work Conciliation Court counselors do with couples benefits children. The pain parents inflict on each other ends up hurting the children most of all. Some parents refuse to allow reasonable visitation, others run out on responsibilities to their children to get even with their spouses, or defame each other in the eyes of the children. Bitter battles go on over child custody, with childrenused as the pawns. In their pain and conflict these parents lose sight of what a l l this i s doing to the children. Awareness of what they are doing, knowledge of how to help not hurt their children, understanding of the im- portance of a supportive relationship and clarification of their responsibilities as parents can enable these parents to meet the needs of their children. This important work is done in Conciliation Court.

Problems and worries, over children and adolescents can add a crushing blow to an already shaky marriage. Clients come to Conciliation Court with a range of prob- lems from disagreements as to how to discipline or raise the children to very serious concerns about run-away adolescents or children on drugs. Whether or not the couple decides to remain together they benefit from the help they receive a t Conciliation Court on how to effectively com- municate with and guide their children.

Some clients call in, write in or walk into Conciliation Court hoping someone will help them. They are shocked

'Mrs. Florence Bienenfeld is a Senior Marriage and Family Coun- selor of the Conciliation Court; Superior Court of Los Angeles County .

and bewildered about what has happened. They have no way of communicating with their spouses. Conciliation Court counselors can help them s i t down and talk together. If necessary a spouse can be subpoenaed to attend one counseling session. This power is rarely used, since most spouses do respond to the Conciliation Court's appoint- ment letters. As long as one client wants a counseling appointment, the other must come. This makes it possible for a husband and wife to meet together with a counselor to discuss their marriage and plans, even when one has initially refused to attend. A courtroom i s not the place to find out answers to personal problems. A client may want answers to such questions as: What happened? Why did you leave me so suddenly? I s there any love left? I s there any chance for our marriage? A husband or wife may feel that they have the right to know what happened and where they stand. Conciliation Court counselors help them to find out. Even one conference can accomplish a great deal. It can help a husband and wife to break through the hurt, misunderstanding and mistrust that separates them. Equally as important, a husband or wife can be helped to realize a reconciliation is not possible, thus saving a client from wondering, waiting and hoping for a reconciliation which can never be.

Some clients have great difficulty accepting the reality of their marriage breaking up. As a couple s i t s in the coun- selor'soffice, one tells the other that the decision to divorce i s final. The reason given is there's no love left, or they feel too hurt, or they would never be able to trust the other again, etc. The other spouse cries and pleads for a chance, anything but this, anything but the end of the marriage. These clients need help to realize that if their spouse has decided to divorce there i s nothing they can do. Trying to control, pressure or harass the other does not help; in fact, this kind of behavior i s the opposite of what might really help. The counselors help both to become aware of the shared responsibility for what has happened in their mar- riage. Some clients require referral for more counseling to make the transition from married to single life more en- durable. One client can be spared years of harassment, pressure and even hiding out from the other by this help given a t Conciliation Court, a service well worth the effort.

When couples split up there are s t i l l arrangements for separation and visitation to be worked out. With bitterness a t an all-time high it becomes difficult, sometimes impossible for them to work this out alone. Conciliation Court coun- selors facilitate separation and visitation for the noncus- todial parent. They help couples face the real issues and

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resolve them, enabling them to separate more smoothly with less pain for them and their families who are already hurt plenty.

Whether or not a couple decide to remain together, Conciliation Court counselors attempt to help clients take an honest look a t themselves. There may be areas in the personality or life-style of some individuals which interfere with relationships. Some people come into marriage with a defensiveness which can limit their ability to love deeply. Some have great difficulty communicating thoughts and feelings. Others have problems controlling anger or accepting responsibilities. These problems become roadblocks in the way of a good marriage relationship. Counselors facilitate an honest appraisal and encourage growth in these problem areas. Even if it can't help this marriage, perhaps it can help the next.

The crisis of a marriage breaking up breaks some people up more than others. Some clients become suicidal. They are depressed, lost, and unable to imagine life alone without their wife, husband, or family. Conciliation Court counselors offer immediate support and referral to an appropriate community agency. Similar crisis intervention i s necessary to help some clients control their impulses to harm or destroy others, a wife or husband, children, in-laws, or a third party. A client may feel perfectly justified to retaliate for al l the pain they are experiencing. Conciliation Court counselors have the opportunity to help clients win these inner struggles.

A Conciliation Court offers clients short-term crisis marriage and family counseling. Some clients have problems which require longer-term or specialized services. In such cases great care i s taken to help a client become less defensive and more receptive to getting help for their problems. Clients are referred when indicated to appro- priate agencies in the community for such problems as deep-seated psychological or emotional problems, alcohol- ism, drug abuse, immigration problems, legal problems, sexual problems, physical problems, etc. The problems of one individual affects one and all, the spouse, children, parents, employer, in fact, al l of society.

People react to stress in a variety of ways. A large

repertoire of skills and expertise is needed to help the families who come to Conciliation Court. The goal of the counselors i s more than to reduce stress. The counselors utilize the crisis to promote growth. Counseling goals a t Conciliation Court can be described by the following Decalogue: 1 ) To facilitate reconciliation whenever pos- sible; 2) To promote functional patterns of communication; 3) To promote effective parenting skills; 4) To facilitate opportunity for communication between alienated spouses; 5) To promote and encourage positive coping patterns; 6) To facilitate awareness of areas in personality and lifestyle which can make for problems in relating to others; 7) To facilitate separation and visitation for noncustodial parents; 8) To help prevent violence toward self or others; 9) To support through referral to appropriate community agencies; and 10) To help prevent disintegration of families in future generations.

People will resolve a crisis in one way or another; but the way people resolve the crisis in their marriage affects everyone. The counselors help their clients to understand that they can choose to resolve their crisis by running out on life and responsibilities to the children, by taking the children and running, by hurting the spouse through the children, or by taking their own life or another's; but that there are more positive solutions like making a new life for oneself, keeping responsibilities to one's children, improving the quality of the relationships with the children and others, and exploring new avenues for growth, self-awareness and self-fulfillment.

Much of the work done a t Conciliation Court may not lead to a reconciliation of marriage, but may s t i l l constitute a reconciliation with oneself, one's children, family, and community. Society must concern itself with prevention of family breakdown if the vicious circle of misery is ever to be broken. Conciliation Court counselors work on two levels of prevention: secondary prevention -- what helps the clients now, and primary prevention -- what helps their children and their children's children. Marriage counseling a t Conciliation Court is much more than recon- ciliations, more than notches on the desk, it i s often life itself.

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