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Mrs Bags

By

Sue & Clive Read

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Mrs Bags

By Clive and Sue Read

List of Characters

Darren A young man – on the streets, cocky, streetwise but nice underneath

Perdita An upper class recent runaway, testy, snobbish Nick A world weary journalist in his forties Sarah A young journalist – very earnest and eager to get on Mrs Bags In her fifties, a very common character who

transforms in Act II 2M 3F Two young people meet whilst sleeping rough. They are paid by a thrusting young reporter and her cynical, world-weary boss into helping them with a report on homelessness. Enter Mrs Bags - a disgusting, old woman with a viscious tongue who succeeds in upsetting everyone she meets with her self opinionated remarks. Stung into action the three young people decide to follow her on her nightly wanderings with surprising results. She is not what she seems. Tackling the themes of homelessness, Press intrusion and family relationships, this is a quirky but humourous play.

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Act I

Scene 1

An untidy backstreet with a bin and litter. A teenaged girl enters and starts to make herself a bed in the corner. She has just settled down and covered herself with a blanket when a young man with a sleeping bag and various other things enters. He looks at the girl who is trying to sleep. Darren Are you going to sleep here? Perdita What? Who are you? Darren I said, are you going to sleep here? Perdita Yes I am – and what’s it got to do with you. Darren Nothing at all, but I wouldn’t try to kip here. Perdita Well I’m not you – and I am going to sleep here. Darren Fair enough – you know best I suppose. See you around – or

not as the case may be but you’ll regret trying to get your head down here. Have a good night – I don’t think. (He starts to leave)

Perdita (Getting up) Alright – why shouldn’t I sleep here? I know you’re

just dying to tell me. Darren No – you know best. (He starts to leave again) Sleep where

you like. Perdita I shall! I don’t have to take any notice of you or anyone else any

more so you can just bugger off! Darren Oh charming! You just try to give some little tart a bit of help

and guidance and all you get is abuse. I don’t know why I bother. I’ll come back in the morning and see what’s left of you. (He starts to go again)

Perdita Well what’s keeping you? Not me! I don’t need anyone’s help –

so just sod off! Darren Don’t worry – I’m gone! (He exits. The girl picks up her blanket

and puts it around her shoulders and starts to cry. Darren bursts in again angrily) And I’ll tell you another thing…….(He stops as he sees she is crying) I’m sorry love – I didn’t mean to upset you. (He hands her a none-too-clean handkerchief. She looks at it and hands it back)

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Perdita Oh it’s not you – I’m just feeling miserable – and I’m cold. Darren Cold? It’s summer! You should have been here in January

when it snowed – then it was really cold. Perdita Have you been sleeping rough since then? Darren Yeah – nearly a year. Perdita Why? Darren Why what? Perdita Why have you been sleeping rough for nearly a year? Darren Lots of reasons. But you’re a mystery – why should a lovely,

young girl like you be dossing in an alley? Perdita I’m not lovely – not any more. Look at my hair! Perhaps I was –

but three days of this sort of thing can bring you down. Darren Don’t be daft – you don’t look too bad at all. How old are you? Perdita What’s that got to do with it? It’s always the same – how old are

you? – it’s so unimportant – I’m as old as I am! Darren I’m sorry, I’m sorry – don’t get so upset. I just wondered how old

you were that’s all – just a friendly enquiry. Perdita Why? Darren Well I don’t know – I just wondered. If you want to know – I’m

twenty-one. Perdita Are you? I’m seventeen – well nearly eighteen if you really must

know. (Darren sits beside her). Darren Well what are you doing here? You sound a bit posh – not the

sort you usually get sleeping rough. Had a row at home? Perdita I don’t want to talk about it. Darren Fair enough – do you want a fag? Perdita Certainly not – it’s a disgusting habit – but you smoke if you

must. Darren I don’t. (He puts the tin away)

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Perdita Well why have you got the tobacco then? Darren Ah – very crafty. I collect fag ends outside the nightclubs – they

throw away great long ends just before they go in – sometimes it’s nearly the whole fag. I take the tobacco out and put it in my tin, I’ve got some papers and there you go – instant fags!

Perdita Why bother if you don’t smoke? Darren This is the crafty thing about it. It’s a way in – you know. You

meet some gits late at night and they’re a bit aggressive, so you say “Hear do you want a roll-up?” Suddenly the tension disappears and they’re your mates. This tin has been very useful to me I can assure you.

Perdita Perhaps I need something like that in case I meet some nasty

people. Darren Yes. Now look – don’t get cross again but if you were to come

across some particular types, especially around here at night, it won’t be a fag they’ll want from you – if you see what I mean.

Perdita I know what you mean – I’m not retarded! Is that what you’re

after? Darren No – you’re quite safe with me I can assure you. Perdita Well thank you very much. I know I’m not looking at my best at

the moment but….. Darren Hang on, hang on. Bloody hell – you get angry about

everything. I just mean I’m not like that. Besides I like you and I’d like to hang out with you – if you’d like to. We could look out for each other – it’s a lot easier if you’ve got a mate.

Perdita Yes – well – as long as we’re just friends. Darren Yes – just friends. Anyhow – I’m Darren – how do you do. (He

makes a big deal out of shaking her hand) Perdita Very well thank you . (She smiles for the first time) I’m Perdita. Darren Who? Perdita Perdita. It’s Greek. Everyone calls me Perd or Perdy. Darren Well now Perdy what brings you to this grotty place? Perdita I asked you first

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Darren Right – so you did. Not much to tell really. My mother, who is a slut by the way…..

Perdita Oh I’m sure she isn’t – what a thing to say about your mother! Darren Do you know my mother? Perdita No. Darren Well take my world for it – she is a slut of the first division – the

Man U of the slut world. She smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, she don’t cook, she don’t clean. I’ve got two brothers and one sister that I’ve hardly ever seen. We’ve all been in and out of care and more foster homes than you can name and about a year ago her latest live-in-lover – creep! – moved in and he tried it on with me!

Perdita He tried to…… Darren Yeah he did. He must have been ambidextrous. Perdita What did you do? Darren I hit him round the head with a toby jug. Perdita (Laughing) A toby jug? Darren You might laugh but it was the first thing that came to hand –

and it was heavy. Gave him a bloody great bump on his forehead. That cooled his ardour I can tell you. I told the old hag what he’d done and what did she say? Don’t go upsetting him – he’s going to pay for me to go to Torremolinos. Well that was the final straw. I packed a bag and I upped and left and here I am. Now it’s your turn.

Perdita I told you – I don’t want to talk about it. I shan’t tell you again. Darren Alright, alright in that case I shan’t mention it again. Are you

hungry? Perdita No I’m alright thank you. Darren When did you last eat? Perdita It was about….. Darren You don’t remember do you? Perdita Yes I do – it was this morning.

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Darren What did you have? Perdita A Mars bar. Darren So like I said, are you hungry? Perdita Yes. Darren Right. (He rummages around in his bag) Now Madam, we have

a choice here. (He reads the labels on some sandwich packs) Cheese and onion, tuna salad, or smoked salmon with anchovy sauce plus some sausage rolls. Now what is it to be?

Perdita Can I have the smoked salmon? Darren Your wish is my command. (He hands her a packet) Perdita (Biting into the sandwich) Oh these are marvellous – I didn’t

realise how hungry I was, but how could you afford them? Darren Haven’t you got any money? Perdita I only had fifteen pounds when I started. I left in a hurry you see

and it soon went. Oh this sandwich is just lovely. Darren Left in a hurry? (She gives him a sidewards look) Sorry, I said I

wouldn’t mention it. (He munches on a sausage roll) We can’t stay here much longer we shall have to move.

Perdita Why? You keep saying that. Darren Well now my innocent little high class dosser. Over there are

three nightclubs and two bars. When they disgorge their drunken clients at about three o clock on a Saturday which this is, a fair proportion of them will come shouting and vomiting along this lane. Should they find a pretty little chick like you tucked up in the corner well they may wish you a goodnight I suppose, but personally they kicked me and chased me away, threw all my belongings about, smashed my radio… you haven’t got a radio so you might be alright.

Perdita Why did they do that? Darren Just for fun I think – if you can call it fun. I miss my radio. Perdita Well it’s only eleven o clock so there’s no rush. Darren No – but we want to leave soon so that we get a good place to

sleep.

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Perdita I’ll leave it up to you then – you know best. Darren Starting to trust me now are you? Perdita Not altogether. Darren Quite right! Don’t trust anybody. Perdita I know it’s rude to ask as you gave them to me for nothing, but

how did you get the money to buy these sandwiches? Darren Ah I see your thinking. Well nothing illegal if that’s what you

mean. Perdita I wasn’t thinking that at all. Darren Yes you were. Perdita Well I noticed they were from M & S and I know they’re quite

expensive… Darren Bit of shoplifting – is that what you think? Are you going to spit

them out if they’re stolen? Perdita (Thinking about it – and then taking another bite) No. Darren That’s right – morals go out of the door when hunger strikes.

Well don’t worry they were acquired quite legally. Look at the label.

Perdita Why? Darren Just look at it. What’s the sell-by date? Perdita The 23rd. Darren And what’s today? Perdita It must be about the 23rd Darren Exactly. Perdita I don’t understand. What does that mean? Darren It means that tomorrow M & S can’t sell them – so tonight they

threw them away in a skip. Perdita Yes. Darren And I go around the back and take them out before the rats do.

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Perdita Ugh! How horrible! (She goes to throw them away) Darren Just a minute, just a minute. Look the seals haven’t been

broken have they? Taste alright don’t they? At six o clock tonight they would have sold them – but luckily for us they didn’t.

Perdita So how long were they in the skip with the rats? Darren (Laughing) About ten minutes – and there were no rats – I just

made that up. Perdita Oh that’s alright then. (She carries on eating) I hate rats! Darren Drink? (He gets a bottle of spring water out of the bag) Perdita (Reading the label) Swiss mountain spring water? There’s no

sell-by date on this. Darren I know – and it’s never been anywhere near a Swiss mountain

either. It’s just tap water – I filled it out of the park dog fountain. Perdita (Taking a swig) It tastes very nice – a bit warm. Darren Sorry – the ice melted. I’ll try and do better next time – that’s if

there is a next time. Perdita Why do you say that? Darren (Putting on a posh accent) Well you might just rush back to

Mummy and Daddy tomorrow. Perdita Just shut up about them! (She thrusts the bottle back at him

and throws the last of her sandwich on the floor) I told you I don’t want to talk about them – is that clear?

Darren Yes – sorry – calm down, calm down – it was just a joke. Perdita Well I didn’t think it was very funny. Darren I know - I said I’m very sorry. I won’t mention them or why you

left again. Perdita Alright. I’m sorry – you’ve been very kind – but I’m trying to

forget about it and I want to make a new life for myself well away from them.

Darren Now that I can understand. I try not to think about my mother,

but I sometimes have a nice dream about strangling her. Perdita Darren!

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Darren Very slowly. (They both start laughing and carry on with their meal. Two people enter on the other side of the stage out of earshot of Darren and Perdita. One is an attractive, young woman in her mid-twenties and the other a man in his mid-forties)

Nick Well – this is kind of area where you’ll find them congregating,

but where they disappear to after dark I haven’t a clue. That will be up to you to research.

Sarah Did you say the Council is backing us on this project? Nick Yes – the Mayor himself has designated it a priority for his year

otherwise known as “how can I get my OBE?” Anyway him being big mates with our Editor means that we are joining in with his campaign to help the homeless of this town and to expose the plight of the unfortunates who have no roof over their heads or a peg on which to hang their hats. Stop me Sarah before I burst into tears.

Sarah You are a cynical old sod. Nick True, but I have enough trouble keeping a roof over my own

head to worry about the sick, lame and lazy who are too drugged up or stupid to even get a job at Macdonalds.

Sarah I’m sure they’re not all as bad as that. Nick Now look here Sarah. I know you are young and innocent,

although not that innocent from what I’ve heard. Sarah What have you heard? Nick Don’t interrupt your elders and betters when they are

pontificating. Thank you. You haven’t been here long whereas I have languished for years in this two-horse berg. Over the last ten years a boss eyed man with acne and halitosis could have got any number of jobs. Some years ago of course it was difficult to find a suitable job, especially if you lived in the North – silly buggers, serves ‘em right – but I can see no reason why I should give my change to an idle git , or pay my Council Tax to support people that are liable to mug me, break into my house, trash my car or deface the walls of my work or home with graffiti. Here endeth the first lesson.

Sarah Is that what you want me to write? Nick You better bloody well not! No what I, the editor and the mayor

want from you is compassion and understanding for these poor,

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homeless prats, sorry persons, who have never had a chance in life.

Sarah I don’t believe you’re as hard as you make out. Nick Oh yes I am – so don’t get on the wrong side of me – or you’ll

find out. Sarah Right. Well off I go – if I’m not back by nine o clock tomorrow

send out a search party. Nick Don’t joke about things like that – it’s a bit rough around here. Sarah There! You see? You do care. Nick No I bloody well don’t. If something happens to you I’ll have

Health and Safety camped on my doorstep for letting you go out on your own. I’ll have to fill out a thousand forms. Are you sure you don’t want one of the young bucks back at the office to come around with you. Most of them would jump at the chance of getting you down dark alleys all night long.

Sarah No – I think I’d be safer with the drop outs and junkies than that

lot. Nick Now I think about it – I really ought to get you to sign a

disclaimer to cover my arse. Sarah What a sweet thought – I was right – you’re all heart. Nick Now don’t try to be a smart-arse. Sarah Too late! Nick I know they turn you out like that straight from Uni. Now in my

day….. Sarah I know, I know – you had to eat the editor’s poo at an initiation

ceremony. Nick (Laughing) I know you said that as a joke, but in fact I

swallowed a lot of shit from my editor when I’d just started. Sarah So what’s changed? Nick I’ll tell what’s changed – nowadays people like you answer back.

We kept it buttoned. Sarah Oh I’m sorry about that. Well I’d better get on with it – I don’t

want to be here all night.

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Nick Yes off you go – head held high – and I tell you what, as a

special concession, you needn’t come into the office until ten tomorrow.

Sarah You’ll be lucky – tomorrow’s Sunday. I’ll see you after lunch on

Monday. Nick (Glancing over at the other two in the corner) You could start

with those two over there. Sarah Do you think they’re sleeping rough? Nick It looks like it – come on – I’ll give you a start. Sarah No it’s alright Nick – I want to do this on my own. Nick (Walking towards the other two) Come on. Hey you two – got

time for a chat? Darren Come on let’s go. (They start to leave) Nick What’s your hurry? I only want to ask you a few questions. Darren Well we don’t want to answer any questions. Sarah I assure you we won’t keep you more than a few minutes. Darren Get stuffed! Why do you want to ask us questions? I bet you’re

from the council – bloody do-gooders! Nick (Pulling a tenner from his pocket) Could be - it’s worth a tenner

for us to chat to you for a few minutes. (He winks at Sarah. Darren turns and comes back)

Darren Now why didn’t you say that from the start? (He tries to take the

tenner) Nick Questions first – tenner second. Perdita Do I get ten pounds too? Nick No it’s a tenner between you. (He looks in his wallet) I’ve got

two fives if you’d prefer. Perdita Right – in that case – fire away. Nick You see Sarah – this is the greatest lubricant in the world. It

loosens tongues and almost anything else you want loosening.

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Darren A fiver won’t loosen me up much Nick Well it depends how much and how interesting your information

is. Looking at you two I wouldn’t think it would be worth more than 50p.

Perdita Why do you say that? Nick Well look at you. You’re a runaway who knows nothing and

you’re a real loser. I’ve seen you begging outside the shopping mall with that dog of yours. Where is it?

Perdita Have you got a dog? Darren I did have. Sarah What happened to it? Darren I haven’t got it any more. Nick I should think the poor, bloody pooch died of starvation and

neglect. Perdita I hope that’s not right Darren. Darren No it isn’t. Nick Well where is it then? Darren It’s just gone that’s all. Nick Now I think that the fate of that mongrel would be worth a fiver –

or perhaps you come out of this pretty badly and would rather we didn’t hear about it.

Sarah Leave him alone Nick. He obviously doesn’t want to talk about

it. Nick Now Sarah you have got to be a bit more persistent if you’re

going to succeed in this business. If you can’t get information out of the likes of these two, how on earth do you expect to interview important people of intelligence? Now come on – what happened to that bloody dog?

Perdita Is it dead? Nick Yes. Perdita Is it like he said? Did it starve?

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Darren No! Nick I bet it did – look at him – if it was sick he’s got no money for a

vet. Darren She wasn’t sick – she was never ill all the time I had her and she

got more food than I did. People were more inclined to give food to her than me – she was getting fat.

Nick Right – so what happened to her? Perdita Did she get run over? Darren “Girl” – that’s what I called her – she had good road sense. She

even crossed the road on zebra crossings. She was really bright and full of fun.

Sarah Ah – you must have loved her. Darren Yeah – I suppose I did – but I didn’t realise it until she was gone. Sarah Did she just run away? Darren No – she wouldn’t leave me – that’s how I got her. She was

always at my heels – I never had to use a lead. I had to in town in case she got taken away as a stray.

Nick For God’s sake what happened to the thing? I am not standing

around all night listening to this sentimental slush. Sarah Oh shut up Nick! Is there no sensitivity in you at all?

Sometimes you act like an unfeeling, heartless oaf! Nick That’s about right All I mean is that I’ve got better things..... Sarah Shut up! Darren Yes shut up and I’ll tell you – if you really want to know. Nick Pardon me for breathing. Darren (to Perdita) Remember I told you about those blokes in this

alley? Perdita When you lost your radio? Darren Yes that’s right. Well I’d tied her up ‘cos sometimes she’d go for

people if I was asleep. She only used to warn them – she wasn’t vicious at all.

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Nick Yes – come on come on. Darren If you’re in such a hurry why don’t you bugger off? Sarah Shut up Nick! Perdita Go on Darren. Darren Well when those yobs came shouting and puking down the alley

believe it or not I was fast asleep. It was Girl barking at them that woke me up. When they started punching and kicking me I ran for it leaving poor, old Girl tied up.

Perdita Couldn’t you have stayed with her and protected her? Darren And get my head kicked in? I didn’t think they’d hurt her – I

mean why would they? Then I heard her whimpering. I ran back as fast as I could, the drunks had gone, I heard them singing away and Girl was just laying there and she was.......

Sarah How did they do it? Darren I dunno – they must have kicked her or something. She just lay

there – there wasn’t a mark on her. Honestly if I’d have known they’d hurt her I would have laid into the whole bunch of them.

Nick Well if you ask me....... Sarah Say nothing Nick or I’ll kick you where it hurts. Perdita You would have defended her wouldn’t you? Darren Course I would, even though nobody’s going to believe me. Perdita I believe you. Nick Well if you believe.... (Sarah kicks his shin – he hops about) Sarah I did warn you. Nick That hurt! Sarah It was meant to. Darren So I’ve decided – no more dogs – I’ve got enough to worry

about looking after myself. Mind you – it looks like I could have another girl to look after.

Perdita I don’t need looking after – I can look after myself.

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Nick This is where I came in. Look what about getting on with the interview and answering some questions.

Darren I think I’ve earned that fiver. Nick We shall see. I expect value for money – well the newspaper

does. (He gives the two fives to Sarah) You see I supply the money – she asks the questions. I’m off to have a nice dinner and a bottle of red wine. Goodnight all. (He exits).

Darren Right – come on lady – we’ve still got to find a place to sleep.

We haven’t got a cosy home to go to. Sarah Well could I have your names for a start? Perdita No. Sarah Just your first names will do – it will make it easier to talk. I’m

Sarah. Darren Darren. Perdita Ann---a. (Darren gives her a look) Darren So Sarah – what can me and Ann----a tell you and why? Sarah I work for the Tribune and… Darren A bloody reporter! You keep your money. (He starts to go) Perdita Just a minute. What does it matter if she’s a reporter? Darren Journalists are bad news. She’ll write what she wants no matter

what we tell her. They just make it up and you can bet we won’t come out of it smelling of roses.

Perdita Well we can at least hear what she has to say – that can’t hurt. Darren Please yourself. Sarah Thanks. (She takes out a recorder) Perdita Why are you using that? Sarah To make sure I get it right. Darren Huh – that’s a laugh! Oh go on – ask your questions and let’s

get out of here.

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Sarah Right. First of all how long have you been on the road? Darren About a year. Perdita Three days. Sarah You’ve only been homeless for three days? Perdita Yes. Sarah Are you an orphan? Perdita Of course not. Sarah Well why aren’t you with your parents? (Perdita turns away and

says nothing) Darren Naff question that. I dunno why she left home and she gets

quite vicious if you ask her. Whereas I am quite prepared to tell you all my sordid details for that fiver.

Sarah Sorry Anna – I didn’t mean to touch a raw nerve. Well Darren

what circumstance forced you to live rough? Darren Well – me father’s inside for murdering me mother and my two

sisters and I was very lucky to survive a vicious attack with an axe. When I came out of hospital the Council had reclaimed the house so I had no choice other than to go on the road.

Sarah Didn’t the Council give you any help with housing or financial

support? Darren No – they didn’t want to know. Sarah That’s an incredible story – I’m surprised I didn’t read about it at

the time. Perdita Oh I remember it. It was all over the Paper and the telly. Sarah When was it? Darren Well it took almost a year to get poor, old Dad to court. He

shouldn’t have been convicted – he was never sane. Sarah So this was about – what – three years ago? And you say he

wasn’t sane – in what way? Darren Well for a start he always wore pink. Sarah Pink?

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Perdita Yes they called him the Cartland Killer. Sarah The Cartland Killer? Darren After Barbara Cartland. (It’s all too much for them and they

burst out laughing) Sarah (Switching off her recorder) Oh yes – very funny. This is a

serious project. This could result in the Council giving more help to the homeless of the town and all you can do is giggle like mad people.

Perdita Just like his dad! (They fall about laughing again) Sarah Well thank you very much for your help – I don’t think! (She

starts to go) Darren Wait a minute – me and Perdy were only having a laugh. Sarah Who’s Perdy? Are you Perdy? Perdita Thank you very much Darren. Yes I’m Perdy. Sarah And are you really Darren may I ask? Darren I’m afraid so. Sarah You needn’t have bothered to change your names I wouldn’t

have used them – you can trust me. Perdita We’re not big on trust. Sarah No – I can imagine that. Darren Sorry we messed you about. Come on ask us some questions

and we’ll do our best. Sarah Now do you really mean it? I’m not staying up half the night to

be messed about by you two. Was the story about the dog the truth or was that another figment of your imagination?

Darren What do you think? Perdita Don’t you recognise the truth when you hear it? Sarah Yes I think so – it was the truth wasn’t it? Darren I’m afraid so. I wish it was just a tale.

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Sarah I’m sure you do. Now Perdy what can I ask you? Perdita It’s no good asking me. I’ve only been homeless for three days. All I can say for sure is that it is very uncomfortable. Darren Whereas I am a bloody expert – so fire away. Sarah Thank you. The Council estimates that there are 120 people

living rough in this town. How many do you know? Darren Well – not that many. I’d say twenty to twenty-five. Sarah What about you? Perdita Just Darren. Sarah And how long have you known Darren? Perdita I’d say approximately half an hour. Sarah You met him tonight? Darren Yes – it was love at first sight. Perdita No it wasn’t. Darren Well mutual contempt and distrust then. Perdita That’s more like it. Sarah And who do you think has been living rough the longest in this

town? Darren Oh that’s easy. That would be the famous Mrs Bags. She’s

been around for ever. Sarah Now even I’ve heard of her. The guys at the office told me

about her. They said she was around when they were kids at school.

Darren Yes – she’s a bit ancient – but quite a character. It don’t pay to

upset her and for God’s sake don’t wave that recorder in her face. Even worse – I hope you haven’t got a camera about you. The last bloke who tried to take a photograph of her is still trying to get the lens out of his arse.

Sarah Another one of your tall tales. Darren You can see for yourself. She’ll be along here soon. She

comes this way to her doss any time around now.

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Perdita Where does she sleep? Darren God knows. She just disappears every night like bloody magic.

I think she’s got a spot on Hightrees Avenue somewhere. Sarah Isn’t that referred to as “millionaires’ mile”. Perdita Huh! I can assure you they are not all millionaires – even

though a lot of them act like it. Darren I see – and what do you know about it? Perdita Nothing! Keep your nose out of my business will you? Darren Sorry. You could do with some counselling for anger

management you know. Sarah I don’t understand. Where could she sleep in a upmarket area

like that? Darren Who knows? An out-house, a stable, a shed, it’s amazing the

out of the way places you can find. Sarah For all these years? Darren Yes – now that is astonishing. I’ve always been moved on after

a few days. Sarah Really? Now that’s very interesting. Do the police harass you? Darren Harass me? I should say so – you wouldn’t believe……. Here

she comes. Let me talk to her – I know her. Don’t say you’re a reporter and as for you, speak when you’re spoken to.

Perdita Oh charming! (An elderly lady with a trolley filled with bags enters, she rummages in a heap of rubbish in the corner and then sees the others. When she speaks her voice is rough.) Darren (Ingratiatingly) Good evening to you Mrs Bags. Mrs B Oh it’s you is it? I was hoping never to have to see you again. Darren I told you we were friends. This is Perdy – a new one this week. Mrs B (Looking her up and down) How old are you? Perdita What’s it got to do with you or anyone else?

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Mrs B Oh – it’s got attitude has it? Well the street’ll soon knock that

out of you dear. (She looks at Sarah) And who’s this? I can’t see you sleeping rough.

Sarah No – I was just talking to Perdy and Darren. Mrs B Why? Darren Oh – she thought we might have seen her cat. Mrs B You live around here? Sarah Well actually – er – no. Mrs B So why do you think your cat would be in this area? Darren It jumped out of the car – er – on the way to the vets – er

probably knew what was in store for it. (He crosses his hands over his crotch)

Mrs B Oh (Looking at Perdita) and where are you going to sleep

tonight? Perdita I don’t know yet. Mrs B (Starting to leave) My advice to you is go home you silly little

girl. You won’t last five minutes on the streets. Perdita Who are you to say that? You don’t know me – you manage

alright. Mrs B Do you smoke? (Perdita turns away and doesn’t answer) Darren No she doesn’t. Mrs B Why doesn’t she answer? Oh dear me – she isn’t sulking!

What a spoilt brat! Perdita How dare you say that? What do you know? Who’s been

talking to you? Mrs B Aha! Hit home did it? Nobody’s been talking to me. You only

have to listen to you for five minutes to know you’re a spoilt rotten, little rich girl… (Perdita starts to cry) … and a snivelling one at that.

Sarah I say, that’s a bit rude. Mrs B Oh bugger off and look for your cat.

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Darren Don’t you worry about her – I’ll look after her. Mrs B You? You? You flash, little git – you can’t even look after

yourself. Life is a bit hard on you and what do you do? Beg? Collect fag ends? Rummage around in the skips? You’re young, fit and not altogether dim and you haven’t got the backbone to get yourself a job and make something of your sorry life.

Sarah Who do you think you are – talking to people like that? Mrs B I know who I am – but who are you? I don’t think you’re looking

for some lost moggie. You’re from the Social Services, a council snooper. Come on – admit it.

Sarah Yes – if that’s what you think – you’re right. Mrs B I knew it. I can smell your sanctimonious preaching a mile

away. Piss off and leave us alone! Perdita You are a nasty, evil, old woman. Mrs B (Imitating her” a nasty, evil, old woman”. And you’re a pathetic

child. Go home before someone gets you on the game. That’s how your sort mostly end up.

Sarah Did that happen to you? Have you done it? Mrs B I might have. What’s it to you? Are you going to try and

rehabilitate me – it’s a bit late for that. Perdita No man could get me to do such a disgusting thing. Mrs B Ooo – hark at the iron maiden. Do you drink? Perdita What’s that got to do with it? Mrs B Are you incapable of answering a simple question? I’ll tell you

what it’s got to do with it. Most girls are set on the road to ruin when some man takes advantage of them when she’s drunk.

Darren If you’re so worried about her why don’t you take her to your

kippin’ place. That’s seems to be fairly safe. Mrs B (Looking agitated for the first time) What? Darren Let her come with you.

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Perdita I wouldn’t go with her if she lived at The Ritz. I’d sooner sleep on a bed of nails.

Mrs B Doesn’t she talk a load of rubbish? Well Miss Clever Dick –

what are you going to do? Perdita Darren will look after me. Mrs B Chances are he’s the one who’s got ideas of getting you on the

game. With someone as lazy as he is – I wouldn’t put it past him.

Darren Now that’s going too far – I’m not like that and you know it. Mrs B Then prove it! Go and get yourself a job. And you go home to

Mummy. And you go and find your cat – oh no – you’re not looking for a cat now are you? You’re a Social Services person – well that was your latest identity and I don’t think I believe that either. What I do believe is that you are a bloody liar. There’s something familiar about you.

Sarah I can assure you that you and I have never met – I would have

remembered. Mrs B No – I know we haven’t met. It’s your type that I recognise. Sarah What type? Mrs B The kind that scribbles a load of lies. I want nothing to do with

you – or those two no-hopers. Goodnight and I sincerely hope I never meet any of you again. (She exits)

Sarah Well! She defies description. What an old…… Darren Bag? Sarah Yes – Bag – she’s well named. It’s a wonder she doesn’t get

hurt the way she talks to people. Darren They say she’s got a club in that bag – and she knows how to

use – in fact she has used it! (To Perdita) Look – don’t be upset – she’s gone now.

Perdita She has no right to talk to me like that. Who does she think she

is? Sarah I’ll tell you one thing – she looked very worried when you

suggested that Perdy should go to her place. Perdita That’s because she wouldn’t want me there.

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Sarah No – I don’t think it was that. She seemed very frightened that

we should find out where she sleeps. Perdita Well let’s follow her. Darren What for? Perdita To pay her back for the way she spoke to me. Sarah I don’t think so – that seems a bit childish. Perdita So you’re at it now! I’m childish am I? Sarah You have got a short fuse. Come on – I’m fascinated to find out

more about the ghastly Mrs B. Darren Right – let’s go. She won’t be difficult to follow – she’s always

stopping to rummage around. But we’ll have to be careful – she’s a sharp old bird. Nobody’s ever managed to find out where she goes before.

Sarah Right – we must be as quiet as mice – let’s go.

Blackout

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Act II

The scene is an interior of a nice house. Mrs B’s old clothes are lying in a heap on a chair. She is tidying herself up. She is dressed smartly. She is humming away to herself obviously in good spirits. There is a knock at the door. She looks in amazement, thinking she is hearing things and just carries on. The knock is repeated louder. She picks up a truncheon and disappears offstage into the hall.

Mrs B (off) Go away whoever you are! (Muffled sounds) Go away or I shall

call the police!(more muffled noises) Who? (the word “Darren” is heard faintly). What do you want? What? I can’t hear you! Oh just a minute – you’d better come in. (She reappears with Darren) How did you know I lived here?

Darren We followed you.

Mrs B We? Who’s we?

Darren Perdy and Sarah Mrs B Where are they now? Darren On the other side of your eight foot gate! Not very welcoming. Mrs B It wasn’t intended to be. What do you want? How did you get through

the gate it was locked. Darren Over the top of course – a few spikes are nothing to a man of my

agility. Mrs B Well you can just climb back before I give you a whack with this! Darren I heard you were a bit of an expert with that thing but I’m not a threat –

well not physically. But I could of course go telling all the people you insult how you’re not poor at all and you’ve got a posh house and nice clothes and, I suppose, money.

Mrs B Is that what you want – money to keep your mouth shut? Darren No – first of all I want you to press the button – or whatever you do –

that will open the gate to let the others in. Mrs B And then you’ll keep your mouth shut? Darren Well I can’t speak for the others can I? (Mrs B goes offstage for a

moment and then returns. Darren has sat down) Mrs B Oh make yourself at home won’t you? Darren Don’t worry – I shall.

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Mrs B I shall check everything before you go and make sure nothing’s

missing. Darren I’m not like that. How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t smoke,

drink, take drugs or steal. My only crime is being homeless. I’m fed up with being homeless.

Mrs B We’ll see. (There is a knock at the door) That must be your co-

conspirators. (She exits for a moment and returns with the others) I’d ask you to sit down, but I won’t because you’re not staying. I’ve nothing to say to you and I’ve no interest in anything you’ve got to say.

Perdita Is that so? Then why do you walk around looking like a tramp when

you have a nice house like this? Mrs B Ah – the snivelling little brat has found her tongue now she thinks she’s

on top. Perdita I’m not really interested in why you pretend to be homeless. I just

came along with the other two. Mrs B Why don’t you go home before something nasty happens to you? And

you – are you still looking for your cat or have you given that up? Oh yes – I remember now – you’re a reporter (she pretends to spit)

Sarah What is your problem? I’m just a working girl trying to write an article

on homelessness. I know journalists have a bad reputation these days but I’ve never done you any harm.

Mrs B People of your ilk have. Sarah Well I’m sorry somebody hurt you. Perdita I’m not – I bet she deserved it. Mrs B Nobody deserves what her lot did to me. Perdita What did they do to you? Mrs B None of your business. You’ve seen where I live. You’ve got what you

wanted now you can make yourself scarce. Sarah But why do you pretend to be homeless when you have a lovely house

like this? Mrs B I don’t pretend to be anything. Sarah Well why do you dress in such a bizarre way?

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Mrs B I can dress how I like. Sarah Yes – but it is intended to deceive or something and it’s very difficult to

understand why. Perdita Yeah – it looks like you’re up to something. Mrs B What impersonating a bag lady? Is that a criminal offence? I don’t

think so. (Perdita is looking at a framed poster on the wall) Here you – what are you doing there? Come away – stopping prying about!

Perdita I’m only looking at this old poster. Mrs B Well don’t – come away from it! Perdita What’s the harm? She looks a bit like you. Is it your daughter? Mrs B Yes. Perdita She’s an actress in the West End is she? Mrs B Yes – now go away and leave me alone. Sarah It does look like you – only younger. (They are now all looking at the

poster) Darren Yes – she certainly is a chip off the old block as you might say. Perdita I see. Does she give you the money to rent this house? Mrs B Does she do what? Darren Bankroll you. She must be in the money being in the West End. She’s

not going to let her poor, old Mum starve is she? I wish I had someone with some folding stuff to give me and have a nice pad like this. What’s her name?

Mrs B It’s er…. er… Sarah It’s Julia Grey – it says so here on the poster. Are you Mrs Grey or is

that just your daughter’s stage name? Mrs B Yes that’s right – it’s just her stage name. Now will you come away

from there before I get cross. Sarah I don’t think you’re telling us the truth. Mrs B Why do you say that? Sarah Because by the date written very small here in the corner of this poster

it must have been printed thirty years’ ago.

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Darren Yeah – I thought it looked a bit old fashioned. Mrs B It’s my sister. Sarah Well it could be of course, but I don’t think so. If it were your sister, you

would have said so straight away. We wouldn’t have had all this nonsense about your daughter.

Perdita It’s you – it is! It’s you! Julia Grey. Go on – admit it. Ha ha – we’ve

found you out. It’s a bit different when you’re not the great “I am” isn’t it? Now you’re the one who has to explain herself. Come on – tell us – why do you go about looking like a tramp when you’re a famous actress.

Darren Well, well, well. I reckon this is worth more than a fiver. Sarah you’ve

got a scoop here I should say. You’re in hiding aren’t you? Did you commit some terrible crime?

Perdita It wouldn’t surprise me one little bit. She’s got a really nasty streak.

Come on – tell us – who are you hiding from, who’s looking for you? Mrs B Nobody is looking for me and I haven’t committed any crime. (Her

accent has changed to a more cultural one) You young lady have a lurid imagination.

Darren ‘Ere – you’ve suddenly gone all posh – that’s not your voice. Mrs B Yes it is. When I’m Mrs B the bag lady – I talk like that. When I’m Julia

Grey I talk like this – which is my normal voice. Sarah But why do you pretend to be Mrs Bags? It doesn’t make any sense. Mrs B Not now – it used to twenty years’ ago. In fact, Mrs Bags saved my

life. Perdita How? Mrs B Right – sit down children and I’ll tell you a story. As you can see by

that poster, I used to be an actress. That play – “Wild Women” – was the role that set me on the road to stardom. I won every award a woman could win that year.

Perdita Did you win an Oscar? Mrs B No dear – you don’t get Oscars for stage work only for films, but I won

everything an actress on the stage could win that year. And after that the worked just flooded in, stage and TV for the next year and then I got my big chance to go to Hollywood.

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Sarah You made films in Hollywood? Mrs B Yes – I made four. I didn’t have the lead but I always had leading

parts. One of them was on TV a while ago – it was the first time I had seen it.

Perdita What was it called? Mrs B “Lonely Women”. Sarah I saw that. It was a really good film – but I don’t remember you. Mrs B I’m not surprised. Hollywood gave me a makeover. When I saw the

film I had a job recognising myself. Sarah So you had it made. What went wrong? Mrs B Me – that’s what went wrong. I couldn’t handle it. I thought I was

Sarah Bernhardt – that’s a famous actress by the way. I used to roll up late, drunk, stoned, hadn’t learned my lines. The Paparazzi loved me. There were pictures of me falling over, vomiting and when the TV cameras caught up with me there were more beeps on the soundtrack than words. So I escaped back to England and I behaved myself for a while, but then I got involved with Johnny Stone.

Sarah I remember him, my mother was his biggest fan – he was a real hell-

raiser wasn’t he? Didn’t he die? Mrs B Yes – poor Johnny – he was very exciting and attractive but not really

too bright. Then again who am I to judge? We were both leading that kind of life – he just took it that bit further. Drink, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. He was always trying to persuade me to go that one degree further, but there was always a tiny part of me at the back of my brain that said “that’s too far”. That fatal night he really went wild – booze and drugs of all kind. Laughing, crying, singing, fighting. Then he suddenly said “I’m tired”, and he staggered off to bed. The party went on for a while longer. I went up to him – he was fast asleep.

Sarah Were you living with him? Mrs B No. I left with a girlfriend. I rang him up the following afternoon but I

got no reply. The refuse collectors found him in an alley in a skip. It seemed he’d gone up to the roof and tried to fly. The strange coincidence was that his hit song was “Fly With Me Baby”.

Darren And you were nearly that baby. Mrs B There were times afterwards when I wished I had been. Sarah Was it very bad for you?

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Mrs B Yes it was terrible the papers knew we were an item. They all wanted

interviews. They camped outside my flat – TV crews, photographers, reporters and just sightseers.

Sarah Wouldn’t it have been easier just to give them an interview? Mrs B Not really – as it turned out. Sarah You did give them an interview? Mrs B I’m afraid so. Perdita Didn’t it go well? Mrs B I was still drinking heavily and in a state of shock. I missed Johnny a

lot. So after two days of being a prisoner in my own place I polished off a full bottle of vodka and then I sallied forth to meet the world’s Press. I stood on my doorstep with them all shouting, flashing and every time I tried to speak they asked me another stupid or insulting question. I tried to shut them up, I shouted – if you’ll only shut up I’ll answer your questions – but they just went on all shouting together. I heard one say, “How do you feel about Johnny’s death?” Well that was it. I really lost it. I shouted, “What a stupid question – how do you think I feel you bloody moron?”

Sarah I shouldn’t think that was very popular – not very diplomatic. Mrs B I didn’t feel diplomatic and I’m afraid it gets worse. Sarah I don’t see how it could get any worse. Mrs B Oh yes it can. I showed them my ….. how shall I put it … ah yes –

nowadays I believe it’s called a “mooney”. Darren You didn’t. Perdita Good for you! Mrs B It was just supposed to be a gesture of contempt. I turned my back,

bent forward and flicked my skirt up. Sarah Luckily there were no thongs in those days. Mrs B I would have settled for a thong. Perdita What do you mean? Mrs B No knickers.

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Sarah You flashed your bare bum to the world’s Press? Perdita And in the olden days too. Mrs B Yes – I suppose it was the olden days to you, but I think it would cause

quite a stir now if one of your leading actresses flashed to the world. Darren I know this is rather a delicate question but – did you normally wear

any? Mrs B Of course I did. That morning I was upset and drunk – I just forgot.

But of course that’s what the Press said – that I never wore any. ITV and the BBC got it on tape, but it was so quick only one of the still photographers got it. He happened to be a freelance and he syndicated it all over the world. He made enough money to retire. The Daily Sport had it blown up on the front page and the video was shown endlessly.

Darren Have you got a copy? Mrs B No! Perdita Well that showed them that they’d better leave you alone. Sarah No I would have thought it would be quite the reverse. I bet there was

twice as many the next time you appeared. Darren I bet a lot of men turned up hoping for another flash. By the looks of

the poster you looked very sexy. Mrs B Thank you for that compliment Darren. You were quite right Sarah the

following week I had a contractual obligation to attend the opening of one of the films I had made. They had to have the police to hold the Press back and the public. There were shouts of “What are you going to show us tonight Julia?” and shrieks of laughter and lot of crude comments. It was awful. I tried to escape unnoticed through the back door but a lot of them still found me. I think I was close to suicide. I was in a state of panic. I was having attacks when I just couldn’t breathe. I had to do something and quick

Sarah Is that why you became a recluse? Mrs B I suppose it was in a way. You see I daren’t go out. The Press were

permanently camped outside. I gave up reading the terrible things they said. Everything from me being a prostitute to a vampire. Eventually I managed to get out in the early hours of the morning and before they pulled themselves together we were gone. I stayed with a friend, but I still daren’t go out. So one night we hit upon the idea of Mrs Bags – just for a laugh really. My friend just happened to be a theatrical costumier and made me up as a bag lady. The first time I went out,

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into the West End it was, I was very worried. I thought if the Press find me like this they’ll have a field day. But I needn’t have worried nobody recognised me in fact nobody even looked at me. Suddenly I felt relaxed and calm as Mrs Bags.

Sarah But how did you end up here? Mrs B Well it all worked out quite well really. You see………(The is a buzzing

sound) Someone’s at the gate. Who on earth can it be? Sarah Oh dear – I think I know. Darren It’s obviously somebody who can’t climb. (He laughs – no-one else

does. He looks at Sarah) You made a telephone call didn’t you? Sarah I’m afraid I did. You see I didn’t know your story when we were waiting

outside. I just thought you were an eccentric, old lady who liked to roam the streets at night and there might be a story in it.

Mrs B I see – so who did you ring? (There is a buzz again) Sarah If I’d known the full story I wouldn’t have done it. Mrs B You rang the Press didn’t you? Oh my God it’s all going to start again. Sarah No – I just rang my boss. I thought he might be interested – if it is him.

I’m surprised he came. (The buzz goes again) Look when he comes in we won’t tell him about your past – we’ll just say you’re a recluse who likes dressing up.

Mrs B Will he swallow that? Darren Well we were going to – if we hadn’t seen that poster. Perdita Yes – just get rid of that and he won’t know. Mrs B But you’ll tell him. Perdita I won’t – it’s got nothing to do with him and what’s more I don’t like him. Darren Me too. I don’t think you should be hounded any more. It’s your

business and nobody else’s. Mrs B (Turning to Sarah) But it is your business isn’t it? A good story. You

might say a scoop. If you sell it to the Nationals it’ll get you a by-line won’t it?

Sarah I suppose so. Mrs B I knew it. The Press – you’re all bastards and not to be trusted.

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Sarah That’s not fair – it’s my job – I may never get another chance like

this.(The buzzer goes more insistently). Mrs B I’ll let him in – it’s no good delaying the inevitable – at least I’m wearing

knickers tonight. (She disappears for a few seconds and then comes back)

Perdita I don’t know how you could be so mean. Can’t you see you’re going to

destroy her life all over again? Darren Don’t waste your time Perdy – you can see the pound signs in her eyes

– she can’t wait to blurt it all out. Sarah Look – I’ll tell you the best I can do is to keep quiet to him – and then

we’ll have time to organise a proper disclosure when you’re ready for it. (A knock on the door)

Mrs B Well that’s the best I can hope for – go and let him in. (Darren goes

out) Perdita Quick! (She takes the poster down and hides it behind the chair). At

least we can keep him in the dark for a while. (Darren and Nick enter) Nick Evening all. What have we here – a mystery? Why would a lady like

you wander around the streets like a tramp? Mrs B Well you certainly get straight to the point – none of the niceties we

expect from gentlemen of the press. Nick I don’t know who you’ve been talking to lady – but “nice” is not a world

that’s ever been associated with me. I’m just interested in a good story for my poor, provincial paper – and God knows they are few and far between. All bloody health and safety, green issues and global warming and of course the sad fate of the poor, downtrodden underclass who never had a chance in life. It tears my heart out to think of them.

Sarah I’m sorry I called you out – I’ve got the story sewn up really. I think we

might as well be off. Nick No problem – there’s no rush. I was on my way home anyway. So

what’s the story? Sarah Well I told you on the phone. Nick Yes – well briefly. What are these two no-hopers doing here? Sarah Oh they’ve been very useful. They helped me to follow Mrs Bags.

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Nick Ah yes – Mrs Bags – so what’s her real name? Sarah Um – well I don’t know really – er….. Nick I beg your pardon – “you don’t know really?” Correct me if I’m wrong

but you did take journalism at University didn’t you? Sarah Yes – yes – but you see….. Nick And you tell me that you haven’t even got her name? One of the first

questions to ask I would have thought. And you tell me that the story is all sewn up. Now I had the impression that you were a bright, young thing who was going places. I feel I may have to change my mind – you must be a bit dim. You haven’t got her name? Her name? I don’t believe it.

Mrs B That’s because I didn’t tell her. Nick That’s got nothing to do with it lady. We have got you over the

proverbial barrel. You can either tell us your name or tomorrow there are a dozen ways I can find out. Even without your name this is a most intriguing story which our none-too-bright readers will lap up. I can just see the headline “Posh Prowler Unmasked”. I can syndicate this to the Nationals. It would be best with a photo of you in your rags in the street and one of you tarted up in your lounge, and the papers will be prepared to pay for it. And I’ll see you alright. Now be reasonable – what do you think to that?

Mrs B I’ll tell you what I think of that you loathsome slimeball. I wouldn’t help

you if the alternative was death at dawn. Who the hell do you think you are – interfering in peoples’ lives? How I live my life is my business – not yours or your stupid readers’. So why don’t you piss off and stuff that recorder up your arse? (There is a pause as Nick looks at her very intently).

Nick Shall I take that as a no then? Mrs B Yes! Nick Don’t I know you? Mrs B No – certainly not. Nick I bet I do. I never forget a face. There was something very familiar

about you during that tirade. I’ve seen you do that before? Do you go on protests – you know that sort of thing? Perhaps that’s where I’ve seen you.

Darren Why don’t you leave her alone? Come on – we should go.

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Perdita Yes – we’ve got to find somewhere to sleep yet. We can’t hang around here all night.

Sarah Yes – come on Nick. Like you said, we’ve got the story and I’m tired. Nick I suppose you’re right. I’ll look you up on the electoral register

tomorrow Mrs then you’re story will be all over the paper. Mrs B Perhaps – but I shall be well away from here by then. Nick (Starting to go) Loathsome slimeball? I’ve been called that before.

(He stops, turns and looks closely at her again). You’re Julia Grey you are – I recognise you! Julia – what happened to you? You just disappeared after that bum thing. You’ve changed – but not that much – I should have recognised you straight away. It must be the bottle and a half of red wine inside me – I’m not normally this slow.

Mrs B Hello Nick. I have to say you’ve changed a lot. It took me a few

minutes to recognise you. Nick You still look good. I must admit I have changed – and not for the

better. Sarah You obviously know each other. Nick Yes – rather intimately as I remember. Did you know who she was? Sarah Yes. Nick Aha! Holding out to get all the glory yourself eh? Well you certainly

learn fast. This is a big story – it’ll mean a lot of money – you realise that don’t you?

Sarah Yes of course but Mrs Bags….. Mrs B Julia! I think we can drop the “Mrs Bags”. Sarah Right. Julia doesn’t want her life to be spread across the papers again

and surely she has a right to anonymity. Nick Of course she hasn’t! If you choose a high profile career and behave

in outrageous ways, the Press has the right – some would say a duty – to report the goings on of these favoured few. So I’m just doing my duty.

Mrs B Bollocks! Nick Exactly or to put it in a more practical way, I know, Sarah knows and

these two know. Now the old adage is if one person knows a secret it can remain a secret – if two people know a secret it might remain a

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secret – if four people know a secret – there’s no bloody chance it’s going to remain a secret. So if the story is going to come out anyway, we might as well do it in our own way and in our own good time and possibly make a few quid out of it. There’s nothing wrong with that – right? (There is a pause).

Mrs B Right. Sarah What – you mean you’re happy with that? Mrs B Not really but I don’t see there’s much of an option. Anyway to be quite

honest I’m getting a bit bored with playing the role of Mrs Bags – I think it’s time for a new role.

Nick Now that’s more like the Julia I knew. But what I don’t understand is

how you ended up in this Godforsaken backwater. Sarah She was just telling us when you pressed the buzzer. Mrs B Well Nick knows all about me up to the incident concerning my rear

end. Nick And what a rear end! It went all around the world. I even saw it on

some T-shirts, it was on the walls in offices and on locker doors. They had a programme on TV recently – The Fifty most Iconic Photographs of the Century – you know Che Guevarra, Marilyn Monroe with her frock up, raising the flag at Iwogima and, believe it or not, your bum was number 43!

Darren Have you got a copy? Nick No. Mind you there was something so sexy about that picture. I don’t

suppose you’re likely to do it again are you? Mrs B I don’t think so. Thirty years ago perhaps, now I think there’s rather too

much of it. Nick Shame! Now we really could have made some money out of that.

Anyway, sorry to interrupt you, carry on with your tale. Mrs B Well, as I said, I tried out the Mrs Bags costume in London from my

friend’s house but I wanted something a little more permanent. Now I didn’t do much right when I was at the top, but the one thing I did do was buy a flat in Knightsbridge. I had a word with my agent, a wonderful woman called Josie. Do you know she still rings me once a week, even though she hasn’t made a penny out of me in years? She always looked after my money and invested it. I wasn’t one of those who spent money on Aston Martins and Dior dresses, mind you I wore them if they were supplied free. I used to go to premieres wearing a twenty quid dress off the High Street. Anyway Josie sold the flat for me

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at an amazing price and bought me this place – well away from London. I had plenty of money to run it.

Darren But what do you do with all that stuff you collect? Mrs B Ah well once I was settled just wandering around became pretty boring,

so I started collecting clothes and things for charity – just to keep busy really.

Nick If you spent all your time in and out of charity shops I’m surprised you

weren’t recognised years’ ago. Mrs B Yes – that’s what I thought – so I started my own charity and called it

“Wardrobe”. Perdita I’ve heard of that – it’s on the net. Darren So have I. I got an overcoat from them last winter. Mrs B One of my customers eh? You see in my outhouse is a big washing

machine and a dryer and all the clothes I get are washed and dried before I send them off.

Darren Do you do this all on your own? Mrs B No not really – there’s a small organisation. A van calls once a month

to collect the stuff and take it to the shop. I don’t even see the van driver I just leave it out and he collects it. And there are a couple of ladies from the local church who organise the shop.

Perdita It’s brilliant! I think it’s a really worthwhile thing to do. Nick Yes, yes – Mother Theresa of the Midlands – but that’s all in the past,

what about the future? What about tomorrow? Mrs B I don’t know – but knowing you I bet you’ve got an idea. Nick You bet. My brain’s buzzing. Sarah Well that’s something new. I haven’t noticed too much “buzzing” from

you since I’ve been with the paper. Nick Point taken. I suppose I must have seemed like a lazy, grumpy cynic

to you. Sarah I couldn’t have put it better myself. Nick Yes well boredom and lethargy have brought me down over the last ten

years but now things are different. Now we’ve got an opportunity to get back into the first division – I can’t wait!

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Mrs B So what grandiose scheme have you thought up for us? Perdita I shouldn’t think it will include me and Darren. Darren We might as well shoot off and find ourselves somewhere to sleep. Mrs B You two stay put. You’re not sleeping rough tonight. You’re sleeping

comfortably tonight. Nick Yes, yes, yes – now listen to me. Do you want to get back onto the

stage Now think carefully, it all depends on that. Mrs B Yes – I see these people on TV and I think they’re rubbish. I can do a

darn sight better than that. Josie is always saying if I should reappear she could get me plenty of work.

Nick Right now I’ve got this idea – it’s just thinking out loud – you don’t have

to go along with it, but I’m positive it will be a winner. Sarah Don’t tell me – I suppose you get to publish the story? Darren That wouldn’t be fair. Perdita Sarah was the one who found.... Julia. Mrs B That’s quite right Nick – Sarah deserves the lion’s share of the credit. Nick Will you bloody well shut up and listen to me? This is what I propose. I

shall leave this small-town rag and become Julia’s permanent Press Agent organising interviews for the Press, TV in fact anyone who’ll give us a reasonable amount of footage. Sarah gets herself an exclusive with a national newspaper saying how she found Julia – not too much – because after a few weeks we syndicate a fuller story to America – see if we can get the BBC or ITV to do a documentary. Then of course if Josie can get her a play or a film we’ll push the publicity using the famous bum shot and then I think......

Mrs B Yes, yes – thank you Nick – I think we’ve got the idea. Nick Well what do you think? Mrs B What do I think about being in front of world’s press again, parading

about being photographed and interviewed? I tell you this Nick – I can’t wait. I’m tingling all over just thinking about it.

Sarah This is fantastic! So what paper do I approach Nick? When do I write

the story or do I just give them the information? Shall I get a photographer?

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Nick No bloody fear. I don’t want any photographers near her. I’ll take the photographs of her in her Bag Lady gear and then as she is now – before and after you see? Plus the famous bum shot. Fantastic – this could be worth a fortune, the phone’ll never stop ringing – we can all retire.

Mrs B What? Nick I’m joking – we are going to have to work our cocks off – sorry ladies –

socks off. First thing tomorrow Julia ring Josie and tell her to put out a few discreet feelers. Bloody hell isn’t this marvellous – and you two – not a word to anybody!

Darren You going to offer us another fiver? Perdita We didn’t get the last one. Sarah Oh – I’m sorry. (She takes two fivers out) Nick Put those away – we’re talking big money here. Darren (Snatching the notes) I’ll take them anyway – a tenner in the hand is

worth a thousand promises. Perdita I think you mean a fiver in the hand don’t you? (She holds her hand

out for the fiver) Darren Don’t worry – I was going to give it to you. Mrs B I have one problem Nick. Nick A problem? Nothing we can’t fix I’m sure – what it is? Mrs B My charity – The Wardrobe. Nick Give it away – pack it up – stop doing it – who cares? Mrs B I care Nick. I’ve been doing it a long time, so don’t you be so

dismissive of my efforts. Nick Sorry Julia sorry – I didn’t mean to put you down but you know what I’m

like when I’m all fired up. Mrs B Yes I remember your type – they sent me underground for most of my

life. I appreciate what you’re doing Nick but just slow down. Nick Sorry Julia you’re quite right – I’m just so excited. Mind you, you must

admit I never wrote anything nasty about you. I only wrote nice things. Mrs B When? I never read anything nice about me – not at that time.

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Nick I know – they never used anything I wrote. It wasn’t tasteless and offensive enough. I was vitriolic to other people. They took the mickey out of me – said I’d got a crush on you.

Sarah Did you? Nick What? Sarah Have a crush on Julia? (There is a pause) You did! You did! (They

all start laughing) Nick Alright, alright – I did. She was so gorgeous most blokes fancied her –

well in those days Mrs B Yes – well I’ll take that as a compliment – I think. Anyway I have a

solution to my Wardrobe charity – Darren do you want a job? Darren What do you mean? Mrs B A job – you know – you start in the morning, pack up at tea-time and

get paid at the end of the week. Darren Yes – I would – but it’s got to be a proper job. Mrs B It will be a proper job with a pension, holidays, the lot. Have you got a

national insurance number? Darren I dunno. I’ve never heard of it. Mrs B Well – we’ll sort that out later. I want you to take my place. Darren No thank you! I’m not dressing up as a bag lady! Mrs B (Laughing) You don’t have to be a bag lady, you just have to collect

the clothes, wash and dry them and pack them up for the man once a week. There’s a little flat over the garage. In its heyday this was the home of a millionaire with a large staff including a chauffeur. I haven’t got a chauffeur – I haven’t got a car come to that. So if you want the job the flat goes with it.

Darren You’ll have to show me where to get the stuff and how to work the

washers. I’ve never done anything like it before. Mrs B Look we can sort it out. If I can do it anybody can, so what do you

say? Darren Yes please – thanks very much. Nick Now look here Julia, the last thing we want is a lot of hangers-on. They

get in the way and they cost money.

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Mrs B Don’t worry Nick – from what I remember of the old days – charity was

always tax deductable. Nick You’re quite right. Yes – carry on. Mrs B (Looking at Perdita) That just leaves you young lady. Perdita I don’t want a job – there’s nothing you can do for me. Mrs B Now look here, I’ve revealed to you my murky past, surely you can

share with us what your problem is. Sarah We only want to help you. Darren You know we’re all your friends. Is it such a bad thing that you can’t

tell us? Perdita No – not really. Sarah Come on Perdy – don’t be so silly, it can’t be that bad – tell us what’s

the matter? Perdita Well, if what Nick says is true, everybody will know by now anyway. Sarah Know what? Oh come on Perdy. Perdita (Blurting it out) I’m adopted! Don’t laugh – I know it’s not a big deal

like Julia, but I didn’t know, my Mum and Dad didn’t tell me. Anyway they’re not my Mum and Dad are they? I don’t know who they are – my real Mum and Dad, but I don’t want to know them – they left me didn’t they? They didn’t want me!

Mrs B You don’t know that. Perhaps your mother had good reasons. Darren I wish I was adopted. I always dreamt the old hag had found me on the

doorstep, but there’s no hope of that. She’s always going on about how painful it was to have me. You’re lucky Perdy. Do your adoptive parents look after you?

Perdita Well – yes – I suppose so. Darren Have they always looked after you well? Perdita Of course. Darren There’s no “of course” about it. My real mother never looked after me,

or my brothers and sisters. She abused us and certainly never loved us. You’re so lucky – I wish your parents had adopted me. You’ve been loved – I never have been.

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Perdita I know, I know. I said my problems were not as big as yours, but they

hurt just as much. I had to find out by accident when I was seventeen. Why didn’t they tell me years ago?

Sarah Do your parents know that you know? Perdita I don’t know and I don’t care! Mrs B Will they miss you? Perdita That’s a silly question – of course they will. They’ll be distraught. I

should think they’ve gone mad. By now my Dad will have got Scotland Yard out.

Mrs B And why is that do you think? Perdita I know what you want me to say – it’s because they love me. Mrs B That’s right – but the important things is how do you feel about them? Sarah How do you feel about them Perdy. (Perdy bursts into tears) It looks

like you love them too doesn’t it? Perdita Yes. Mrs B You said I’d been nasty to you two didn’t you? What was the first thing

I said to you Perdy? Perdita Go home. Mrs B And what did I say to you Darren? Darren Get a job – and I’ve got one. Perdita Can I still stay here tonight? Mrs B If you want to – but you only live just up the road. You can ring your

parents, I’m sure they’ll be round in a flash to pick you up. Perdita Well can’t we do that in the morning? Sarah But your parents will have another sleepless night. Perdita I know they will – but I’m still angry with them – so let them suffer for

one more night – I think they deserve it. Nick And people think I’m unfeeling.

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Perdita Well they say you can be nasty to the people you love and who love you and it doesn’t matter because they always forgive you.

Nick Out of the mouths of babes and suckling pigs eh? Sarah I’m not sure that is the quotation. Nick Near enough. Darren Well if I’m going to live here – and your just a few hundred yards away

we shall be seeing each other shan’t we? Now I’ve got a job I could take you clubbing, or out for a meal.

Perdita Yeah – that would be great, but if we’re going clubbing you’d better get

some new clothes. Darren Of course – you can help me choose. Nick Listen to him – he’s spending it before he gets it. Mrs B Yes – I think a little sub on account might be called for. Sarah Well – it’s getting late and I suspect we’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Nick We could burn the midnight oil and get on with it now. Sarah No – let’s start fresh in the morning after a good night’s sleep. Nick I doubt if I shall sleep. Sarah I bet you will – I’m shattered. Nick Yeah – you’re perhaps right – but roll on tomorrow eh? Mrs B Just a minute. (She gets a bottle and some glasses) I think a

momentous occasion like this deserves a proper toast to launch our new lives. (She pours out the drinks) Are you all ready? Right! What shall we toast to?

Darren Your bum! Mrs B No! Nick To tomorrow. Mrs B Yes – tomorrow. Bottoms up (They all toast)

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