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DEE BEACH, LMHCChild counselor at Andover Mental Health Assoc. LLC specializing in art therapy and play therapy . I am the owner of VISITING COUNSELOR, an agency dedicated to getting social emotional information to parents and teachers. I give workshops, on site consultation, and social skills groups at child cares.

DEE BEACH, LMHCVISITING COUNSELOR

CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

for CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS

N e w s l e t t e r

WHAT’S NEW?WWW.VISITINGCOUNSELOR.COM

I have a beautiful new web site. Please check it out to learn more about the work I do.

You will find workshops I am presenting and back issues of my newsletters. I have joined Andover Mental Health Assoc., LLC in private practice with my specialty of art and play therapy. And, this newsletter is designed reach out and share social, emotional, behavioral

information and parenting tips for our children. Please call me at (508) 265-3023 to speak

with me directly or e mail me at visitingcounselor@gmail.com.

ASK THE EXPERT

QUESTION OF THE MONTH: My children wonʼt listen to me and do as I ask unless I yell at them or threaten them. What can I do to change this? Dee: Children of all ages want to do as they want, this is human nature! If they can get away with it, they will. Somewhere they have learned that if they ignore you, or push you to the limit you will give in and they will get what they want. The good news is that you are asking this question, which means that you are ready to make

some changes in the way you interact with them. This will be hard work, as you are changing the rules of the game and

the kids will not like it! They will no longer be in control, you will be taking charge of how you want things to be done. Let me say that deep inside ALL children want limits and consistency because it makes them feel

safe and secure. Yes, they will fight you but when you set the limits and expectations they can relax and be happy goofy kids again. Here is how to get

your children to listen by age group. (next page)

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Dee’s Favorite BooksPositive Discipline by Cheryl Erwin and

Carol Delzer.

Playful Parenting by Denise Weston.

The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon and Michael

Thompson.

Middle School ( 10-13)Peer pressure, hormones, and urge to test the limits

can start to change even the most agreeable child. I

hope that family dinners, daily heart to heart talks,

being open to their ideas and giving them kind but wise

feedback all all a part of your parenting

skills. Taking time to play and enjoy your

child while being very predictable is

best. Logical consequences may

have to be imposed with a sense of

fairness.

The Puppet Family PhotoSammy (4), Dad, Mom, Lola (10)

INFANTS AND TODDLERSThe bond between you and your child begins

immediately. When you consistently feed, sooth, cuddle, and change your baby she is learning that you can and will take good care of her. Her world is safe and predictable when she is protected from roughness, loud noises, and her life is filled with routines. As your child enters 1 years old to 3, she is getting a mind of her own and wants to try out her ideas, which may not be the same as yours. Consistency, routines, getting her to look at you when you speak, and a firm voice from all the adults in the cild’s life will set the groundwork for limit setting and learning to listen to you. At this age, set the limit, but offer an alternative if possible to avoid the notorious temper tantrums. Example: your child decides she HAS to carry your computer across the room. You call her name, get her to look at you, smile, and trade something more suitable for her to carry, and give her a hug. She is happy, and so are you, win-win. You can use the “bait and switch” and be very clever in many situations. But, occasionally she will be determined her her way, and you will have to stand firm, use the dreaded “no” word, and let her tantrum for 3 minutes. Then, settle her down but do not give in. She will learn who is in charge and to accept limits without you yelling or threatening. Don’t forget to play with her.

Preschool & Elementary School ( 4-9 yrs.)These are the ages that if children have not learned to listen and do as

expected, they will be tyrants. They know what they are doing. For the normal child, saying “ I hear what you are saying and what you want, but that will not work now.” will take care of the problem. If their intention is to wear you down, you will need to set the limit with an explanation once and say “that is one.” If they continue, shake your head, put up 2 fingers and “that is 2 and don’t make me get to 3”. At 3, there is a consequence such as sitting next to you without talking for one minute for each year of their life. Also effective is using the “you can do this or that” technique (neither of which are what they had in mind.) When your child knows where you stand, they will not push so often. Please do not forget that hugs, playing with your child, and taking time to listen to their problems is the foundation of

effective parenting and decreasing unwanted behaviors.