Love is not the only way to make love

Reconsidering our assumptions about how to promote peace, love, and understanding

Professor Joseph Ciarrochi

Friends

Friends of Friends

Friends of Friends of Friends

Five “Opposites”

Compassion

Letting go of the self

Collectivism

Walk a mile in another's shoes

Science

Aggression

Building the self

Individualism

Walk a mile in your own shoes

Faith

COMPASSION

AGGRESSION

Defensive counterattacks against those who would harm you

Defense and

conquest of territory

The downsides of being agreeable

Walk a mile in another's shoes

walk a mile in your own shoes

Does perspective taking promote “moral” behavior (Batson, et al., PSPB, 2003)?

Empathy can be a source of injustice (Batson, et al., 1995)

Empathy avoidance (Shaw et al., 1994)

COLLECTIVISM

INDIVIDUALISM

Collective individualism

Give yourself to groups that provide fun, connection, and positive influence in the world

If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.

Deliberately expose yourself to radically different contexts

Relentlessly remind yourself about what you value

Watch out for people or groups that ask you to sacrifice your values for the “greater good”.

LETTING GO OF THE SELF

BUILDING THE SELF

Self-esteem is not very important

Self-esteem is

important

Five ways to build flexible self-concepts

1) Learn to watch self-concepts as they come and go (self-as process). The GPS metaphor. Self-concepts are a sometimes useful guidance system, and we don’t always have to listen to it.

2) Help people experience mastery (Grade goals to increase the likelihood of success)

3) Model (“If they can do it, I can do it”)

4) Persuade. Direct encouragement, cheerleading

5) Be mindful of feelings. Help clients experience feelings like distress or insecurity as normal and passing events, rather than as proof they can’t do something

SCIENCE

FAITH

Is faith the enemy of progress?