0 TGELiaThe Proceedings of the South Place Ethical Society

Vol. 114 No. 8 £1.50 August/September 2009

CONWAY HALL'S 80-ni BIRTHDAY

SOUTH PLACE ETHICAL SOCIETY CONWAY HALL, RED LION SQUARE, HOLBORN, W.C,1

THE COMMITTEE HAVE MUCH PLEASURE' IN INVITING YOUTO, THE .

OPENING OF CONWAY HALLOn MONDAY, 23rd SEPTEMBER,'1929, at 7 p.m.

C OELISLE BURNS, M.A, D.Lit. • - - IN THE CHAIR

SPEAKERS:

Prof. GILBERT MURRAY Prof. GRAHAM WALLAS

JOHN A. HOBSON, M.A. RICHARD H. WALTHEW

ATHENE SEYLER

MUSIC

Pianoforfor M AURICE COLE Violin INIFRED SMALL

LIGHT REIRESHMENTS R S.V.P. lu Mat RICHARDS

DOORS OPEN SOO

I PLEASE SPINS THIS CARD WITH YOU .

80 years ago, the speakers at the opening of Conway Hall on 23 September 1929(see invitation card above) enthused at the opportunities for promoting humanistideas they believed it would offer. It was to be a centre where all the various alliedorganisations could meet, study, develop and expound their philosophy in acongenial atmosphere.

The Ethical Society, which built, owns and manages Conway Hall has ademocratic constitution. Members of SPES who wish to take a more active part inthis important work are urged to put themselves forward for election to the GeneralCommittee this year.

INTELLECTUALLY RESPECTABLE CREATIONISM Donald Rooum 3

ALTERNATIVE 'THOUGHT FOR TIIE DAY' — Book Review Barbara Smoker 6

VIEWPOINTS: H. Frankel, Suzette Henke, Brian Blangford, Ian Buxton 7

HOW HUMANS CAME TO INVENT RELIGION Norman Bacrac 9

WILLIAM McGONAGALL (1825-1902):THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAD POET? Iain King 10

ETHICAL SOCIETY EVENTS 16

CONWAY HALL. RED LION SO- W.C.I

SOUTH PLACE ETHICAL SOCIETY Conway Hall Humanist Centre

25 Red Lion Square, London WC IR 4RL. Tel: 020 7242 8031/4 Fax: 020 7242 8036

Website: www.ethicalsoc.org.uk email: library@ethicalsoe.org.ukChairman: Giles Enders Hon. Rep.: Don Liversedge

• Vice-chairman: Terry Mullins Registrar: Donald RooumEditor, Ethical Record: Norman Bacrae

SPES StaffChief Executive: Emma I Stanford Tel: 020 7242 8031/4Finance Officer: Linda Alia Tel: 020 7242 8031/4Admin. Assistant: Angela KeatingLettings Officer: Carina Dvorak Tel: 020 7242 8032Lettings Assistant: Marie AubrechtovaCaretakers: Eva Auhrechtova (i/c); Tel: 020 7242 8033 together with: Shaip Bullaku. Angelo Edrozo, Alfredo Oliva. Rogerio Retuenia. Caeatay Ulker. David WrightMaintenance Operative: Zia Harneed

New MembersPhil Crowe of London; Susan Curtis-Kojakovic of Croatia Andrew Davidson, London W13; John Kalcr, London El7

ObituaryWe regret to report the death of SPES member Christopher Byrne of 5E19

1430 Sunday 15 NOVEMBER 2009 — SPES AGM Registration from 1400

DOES THE NATURAL WORLD POINT TO GOD?A debate presented by CFI UK and SPES.

Alister McGrath vs. Stephen Law

Thursday 29 October; 7 pm to 9 pm Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, Holborn, London WCIR 4RL.

With CFI UK Provost Stephen Law and Alister McGrath, author of The Dowlcins Delusion, Dawkins' God, and A Fine-Tuned Universe: The Quest For

God In Science And Theology. Free to Friends of CFI, paid up members of SPES, BHA, RA and

members of the Humanist Liaison Group. Others pay £5 on the door. £3 for Students or use PAYPAL in advance at www.efilondon.org

Email: london@centerforinquiry.net Mobile: 07985 109399

SOUTH PLACE ETHICAL SOCIETYReg. Charity No. 251396

Founded in 1793, thc Society is a progressive movement whose aims are:

the study and dissemination of ethical principles based on humanism,the cultivation of a rational and humane way of life, andthe advancement of research and education in relevant fields.

We invite to membership those who reject supernatural creeds and are insympathy with our aims. At Conway Hall the programme includes Sunday lectures,discussions, evening courses and the Conway Hall Sunday Concerts of chambermusic. The Society maintains a Humanist Reference Library. The Society's journal,Ethical Record, is issued monthly. Memorial meetings may be arranged.

The annual subscription is £18 (£12 if a full-time student, unwaged or over 65).

2 Ethical Record, August/September 2009

INTELLECTUALLY RESPECTABLE CREATIONISMDonald Roourn

Lecture to the Ethical Society, 12 July 2009

It is a pity that the term "Creation Science" was ever invented. Creation is not abranch of science, and never can be. Creation is a matter of faith, one of thefundamental beliefs of Christianity.- Alan Hayward Creation and Evolution - the facts and the fallacies. SPCK 1985

By tying up the weak case for a young earth in the same package as the strong casefor creation, recent-creationists are almost asking to be defeated.

- ibid, commenting on the Arkansas "creation trial" of 1 982

I define Creationism as the belief that the story in the Book of Genesis, about howGod created the world, is incontrovertibly true.

At the entrance to the exhibition currently at Conway Hall is a label headed"Biblical Creation" which lists a lot of beliefs held by many creationists, but notby all:"Earth about 10,000 years old;Life created less than 10,000 years ago;All forms of life saved by Noah from the Flood;Fossils provide evidence of the Flood of Noah;There are no intermediate fossils;Complex forms from the start".

Creationists who conform to the definition, but do not believe the list, callthemselves -ancient creationists", because they accept the geological evidence forthe age of the earth. They refer to those who accept the list as "recent creationists".

Of course there have always been naive creationists, who believe the biblewithout thinking about it, or pretending to be intellectual. But in Britain, beforeabout 1950, the only society dedicated to the promulgation of creationism was theEvolution Protest Movement, which believed in "ancient creationism". "Recentcreationism", which has become the major form, is a recent import from America,and fairly recent there. William Jennings Bryan, who argued against the teachingof evolution in the famous "monkey trial" in Dayton Tennessee in 1926, was more-or-less an "ancient creationist" .

Genesis versus GeometryThe conflict between science and creationism is often stated as "Genesis versusGeology", but the science of geology has only existed for about two hundred andfifty years, and the conflict has been going on since the advent of Christianity,when it was "Genesis versus Geometry".

According to Genesis, on the second day of creation, God said "Let there bea vault between the waters, to separate water from water", and separated the waterunder the vault from the water above it, and called the vault heaven. (That is therendering of the New English Bible; the Authorised Version has "firmament" inplace of "vault", translating the Hebrew rakia.) The simplest interpretation is aninverted bowl holding up a mass of water, to make a space in which the rest of

Ethical Record, AugusaSeptember 2009 3

creation can take place (dry land emerged from the lower water on the third day).

But centuries before the advent of Christianity, scientists (astronomers andgeometers or earth-measurers) had embraced the theory that the earth is roughlyspherical. Four centuries of observations, measurements, and theorising werepreserved at the Museum in Alexandria, and in the second century CE a director ofthe Museum, Claudius Ptolemaus, collected this work into a thirteen-volumecompilation, which he called The systematic arrangement of calculations (Hemathematicu syntaxis), but which other scholars called The Great Astronomer (Homegas astmnomos).

'The Earth Is Flat' - CyrilIn 412 CE a rabidly anti-science Christian, Cyril, was appointed Archbishop ofAlexandria and proceeded methodically to get all the books in the Museum burned,except for the Bible and works of Christian theology. Thereafter for sevencenturies, Christians were forced to believe the earth was flat.

But there were exceptions. The Great Astronomer had been copied, and thecopies preserved, in various places. In the 720s, Saint Boniface wrote to the Popeaccusing the Bishop of Salzburg of heresy. The Bishop of Salzburg was anIrishman called Ferghi I the Geometer, and it seems from the Pope's letter to him (acopy of which is preserved at the Vatican) that his heresy consisted of believing inthe antipodes.

Salzburg Cathedral burned down in the twelfth century, and Ferghil's bodywas found buried under the floor. He was canonised in 1233, as Saint Vergilius. ALife written at that time said he had preached that if people lived in the antipodesthey had no eyes, since it was a "necessary truth" that every eye should see theSecond Coming of Christ. But an argument involving "necessary truth" is muchmore likely to have been invented in the thirteenth century than remembered fromthe eighth century.

The thirteenth century was the time of Thomas Aquinas and the Schoolmen,who worked out a system of rules for argument which are still in use. The Principleof Parsimony, first formulated by the schoolman William of Occam, is still knownas "Occam's razor". The Schoolmen had access to the Almageste which wasPtolemy's Great Astronomer, translated from the original Greek into Arabic, andfrom Arabic into Latin. The Schoolmen recognised the Almageste as a source ofmundane truths, which they sought to reconcile with the sacred "necessary truths"of Christian faith.

For instance, it was a necessary truth that the firmament, which God calledheaven, was erected on the second day of creation, and also a mundane truth thatthe earth was a sphere. The Schoolmen reconciled the two kinds of truth bynoticing that although Genesis appears to assume that the earth is flat, it does notactually state that the earth is flat. They concluded that the firmament is not aninverted bowl standing on a flat surface, but the sphere of fixed stars described theAlmageste.

It may be questioned whether the Schoolmen were intellectually respectable.

4 Ethical Record, AugustISemember 2009

But if we say that Thomas Aquinas and William of Occam are intellectuallyrespectable thinkers, we should also say that the ancient creationists areintellectually respectable, because their method of reconciling Genesis withGeology is exactly the method used by the Schoolmen in reconciling Genesis withGeometry.

Ancient Creationists Not DishonestI read and collect creationist tracts. When I was sheltering from the rain in thebookshop of Friends House, Euston Road, and came across this little book,Evolution versus creation: the facts and the fallacies by Alan Hayward (SPCK1985), I expected that it would be intellectually dishonest and disreputable, likeother creationist works. i was flabbergasted to find that its author has a good graspof Darwin's theory, and accepts the fossil succession and the evidence of the ageof rocks.

There was an article in the latest issue of The Skeptic about (recent)creationism, so I sent a letter about Hayward's book headed "Intellectuallyrespectable creationism". A letter to the next issue of The Skeptic assumed that Iwas a creationist, so I wrote explaining that the statements, "this argument isintellectually respectable" and "I agree with this argument", are not synonymous.Since then I have exchanged letters with Dr Hayward, who is a delightfullycourteous correspondent. Ancient creationists explain the fossil succession asevidence of continuous creation, new organisms being created as older organismsdied out, at least until the creation of the first humans.

As for the Genesis statement that the world was created in six days, manynineteenth-century creationists interpreted Psalm 90, "In thy sight a thousand agesare as yesterday", as meaning that the days of Creation were longer than humandays, but ancient creationists today seem to find this wanting in intellectual rigour.Creation and Evolution discusses four alternative interpretations, with referencesto works in which each alternative is originated, revived and discussed. All theauthors seem to have intended them to be taken seriously:

I. God created the world in whatever time it took, then destroyed it and re-createdit in six days, recycling the debris (Genesis 1:2 is usually translated "The earth waswithout form and void", but "The earth became without form and void" is equallycorrect).

God created the world in whatever time it took, and the process was revealed toMoses, or someone else, in a series of six daily visions.

The six days were not contiguous, as Tuesday follows Monday, but separated bymillions of years.

God issued his flats in six days, after which it took millions of years for hisorders to be carried out.

I contend that it is intellectually respectable to seek an honest solution to theintellectual problem of reconciling religious faith with data of observation. Thisdoes not alter my conviction that religious faith is daft.

The views expressed in this Journal are not necessarily those of the Society.

Ethical Record, AugusaSeptember 2009 5

ALTERNATIVE 'THOUGHT FOR THE DAY'Book Review by Barbara Smoker

Review of Letting Off Stearn (52 Thoughts for 52 Weeks) by Leslie Scrase, United Press Ltd, 2009, 141pp, £8.95

As its sub-title indicates, this little book offers short essays on a variety of subjectsfor the Thought for the Day slot on Radio 4 — if, in line with the BBC's supposedbalance, it were to include non-religious views. Whilst I agree with Leslie Scraseon every topic, the tone of most of the essays is a bit too emollient for my taste: Iwould have preferred him to live up to the metaphor of his main title. But that, nodoubt, only means that he is a nicer person than I am — and his tone would certainlybe more acceptable than mine to the BBC. However, he does feel strongly enoughon some of the social issues — notably War — to let off sufficient steam even tosatisfy me.

Another minor gripe is that the collection would have been neater had Scrasetailored each item more strictly to the length required by the BBC for its dailysermon. That said, the idea of injecting just one non-religious viewpoint each weekto the Radio 4 series is excellent, and much overdue.

I myself was once called upon to write an item designed for it — not, ofcourse, commissioned by the BBC, but by the solicitors employed by the NationalSecular Society to challenge the legal right of the BBC to exclude non-religiouscontributors from this daily broadcast; especially as it is the only item on the airthat never questions, or even interrupts, a freelance contributor. However, we hadto withdraw the suit before my piece reached court, as the BBC could have builtup enormous costs, funded by licence-payers — and had the NSS lost the case itmight have incurred the costs of both sides. So much for free speech.

However, until the day the BBC is made to fulfil the balance demanded byits charter, at least we have this book by Leslie Scrase — and it is certainly thought-provoking and well worth reading.

SOUTH PLACE ETHICAL SOCIETY presents an Exhibition of

EVOLUTION: THE FOSSILS SAY YES!

Fossils selected and arranged by

Mike Howgate Open now - View any time

Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, London WCI

6 Ethical Record, August/September 2009

• VIEWPOINTSPoetry Must RhymeIt is right to inform readers of historically important events like the fascistdestruction of Guernica and Picasso's moving response to it (ER June 09). TheEthical Record is to be thanked for doing so. What 1 regret is that Martin Green'spiece about it should be printed as poetry. It is moving and he should, too, bethanked for it.

But it is not poetry. It is not even poetic prose, but plain prose, as is clearlyshown when rewritten as such. Take the first stanza:

"On the walls of the United Nations building in the city of New York, they havea mural of Pablo Picasso's Guernica, a painting that commemorated the firstaerial bombardment of a civilian population, an early experiment in what theNazis were later to call 'total war—

What is it? A piece of simple, journalistic prose. It has neither rhyme, norrhythm, nor is its language anything other than prosaic.

If the Ethical Record had wanted to publish a poem about Guernica or thewar in Spain, it could have selected one from the collection Poems for Spainpublished by the Hogarth Press* in 1939, containing poems by itscontemporaries including WH Auden, C Day Lewis, Stephen Spender, MargotHeineman, Pablo Neruda and many others. Pity!

H. Frankel - London SW4

* There are copyright problems about printing such material. [Ed.]

Modern Free VerseIn response to Mr. Frankel's critique of Martin Green's poem, 1 would like topoint out that since the beginning of the Modernist Movement in Britain (and,indeed, from the time of Rimbaud's publication of prose poems like Bateau lyreduring the French Symbolist movement in the 19th century), the boundary linesseparating the literary genres of poetry and prose have been substantially blurredand, in fact, almost totally erased. Much contemporary poetry is written in apliable free verse style that avoids doggerel and does not necessarily requireeither traditional rhyme or scannable meter. Consider American concrete poetry,now being featured at a major exhibition in London. Or the "poetic" rendition ofConrad's Heart of Darkness during a 5-hour performance at the recent LondonLiterary Festival (Royal Festival Hall).

I regularly teach the work of British poets of the 1930s and know CecilWoolf, whose aunt Vanessa Stephen Bell lost her son Julian Bell during theSpanish Civil War. Many years ago, I had a fascinating dinner conversationabout the nature of modern poetry with Sir Stephen Spender, who co-edited,with John Lehmann, Poems for Spain, published by Hogarth Press in 1939 andmentioned in Mr. Frankel's letter.

I would argue that almost any contemporary poem could be recast to beread as prose; and that much of the lyrical prose of Virginia Woolf, James Joyce,

Ethical Record, August/September 2009 7

or D. H. Lawrence might be transcribed into poetic form. For instance, I arguein Joyce's Moraculous Sindhook that the end of Molly Bloom's soliloquy inUlysses emerges as a lyrical hymn to nature and life, and I re-framed those finallines in lyrical form as part of my first published study of Joyce's fiction.

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment. Love is not lovewhich alters when it alteration finds."— pure Renaissance prose, no doubt,though lines from one of Shakespeare's most revered sonnets. Or consider EzraPound's: "In a Station of the Metro":

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;Petals on a wet, black bough.

Frankel would, no doubt, claim that these lines should be rewritten as a simpleprose impression. They do, however, historically constitute the most famousimagist poem in English literature.

Suzette Henke - U. of Louisville, KY, USA

Naomi Lewis' Wartime MemoryIt was in their flat in Halsey House, Red Lion Square that Naomi and her motherwatched the fires in the square in May 1941. She told me that the only reason they bothsurvived was that they turned away from the window and started downstairs to see ifthey could help the fire-fighting, and at that very moment a high-explosive bomb fellin the middle of the square blowing in the window they had just been looking out of.Later in the blitz they lost an uncle who came out of a shelter nearby when the all-clearwas given too soon.

The memorial meeting to her on Saturday 25 July 2009 at Conway Hall broughttogether old friends and created new friendships. If you couldn't be there, and wouldlike a transcript, let me know.

Brian Blandford - London WC I. brian.blandford@physics.org

Problems of ExistenceBarbara Smoker's letter titled On the Existence of Purple Elephants (ER July 2009)alludes to the shortcomings of Anselnis famous — and famously defective OntologicalArgument of the 12th century. which as she rightly points out fails the Kantian maxim:"Existence is not a predicate" — of what could it conceivably be a predicate?! —although one is obliged to acknowledge that even today religious apologists whohappen also to be professional philosophers such as Norman Malcolm and AlvinPlantinga persist with it, via patently sophistical lines of argumentation of course.

However Barbara repeats another mistake which is common amongstcontemporary analytical philosophers, even though they perhaps ought to know better.She says: "It was actually Anselm who first put forward this 'ontological argumentalmost five centuries before Descartes who merely repeated it, as a supposed deduction(together with dualism and the need for first cause) from his original premiss. Cogitoergo sum; though this, of course, merely establishes the existence of the thinker".

However, I am afraid that it does no such thing. The question of the existence (or

8 Ethical Record, August/September 2009

otherwise) of anything answering to the concept "sell' is indeed of deep interest, andarguably precedes all other forms of existence-scepticism — but the mere locution"cogito ergo sum" is of course in no sense synonymous with any proof thereof. Fromthe mere statement "there is thought", nothing whatsoever follows by way ofestablishing the existence of (at least one) thinker, because to jump the gun in such away is to tacitly help oneself to commonsense knowledge of the world and its wayswhich, if true, could only follow on from some sort of already-established proof of self.The question is: "What might such a proof look like?" None of this, of course, isintended to cast doubt on the existence of thinkers in the same way as one would whenconsidering arguments in favour of "God's" existence — there is simply far too much -evidence (in the scientific sense) for the existence of "selves" — but there is certainlyno kind of logical proof available, and — as the argument is an existential claim — itis in the nature of the claim that there could not be. (Kant again!)

Ian Buxton - London E 17

HOW HUMANS CAME TO INVENT RELIGIONNorman Bacrac

We humans are obviously social animals living in groups – just like our cousins, thechimps and bonobos and our more distant cousins amongst many other animals. Thefact that the group often follows a leader may be an inherited instinct, codified in eachanimal's DNA. Social animals, if they are to survive in the group, probably alsoinherited the capacity to learn and then follow set procedures: where they stood in thepecking order, when to mate and who not to mate with etc. Humans have no doubtinherited these dispositions. When language developed, these habits could be expressedas rules and incorporated into the tribe's culmral practice.

However, humans can ask 'why should I obey this rule?' Therefore the groupleader needed something to back up his (it was usually a 'his') authority besides hisstrength and (or) charisma. What better than to claim authority from a supernaturalpower? The classic case here is Moses coming down the mountain carrying the tencommandments chiselled on two stone tablets by the god himself. A good alternativeis to dictate to a scribe what one of the god's angels recited to you in a dream(Mahomet, pbuh). Or you could find in a cave some gold leaves with an angel's writingon them (Joseph Smith, Mormon). Millions of people still believe that one or more ofthe above did occur and are convinced that these divine messages have to be thefoundation of their moral system. These religious systems are typically enforced bypromises and threats concerning one's fate after death.

But is obedience to a mighty and fearful authority a virtue? Following ordersblindly can never be moral, as the Nuremburg war trials (1945) showed. Humanistsdeny that obeying a god's commands (even if there were a god and even if we knew itswishes) would be right unless we ourselves had independently checked their goodnessaccording to our own criteria. The simple truth is that in morality no one can 'pass thebuck' and evade their personal responsibility for their decisions and actions.First printed in Gravity Guide (July 09) published by Chey Green. www.gravityguide.co.uk

Saturday 31 October BHA/SPES, Humanist Philosophers' Group day conference: "THEORY OF EVOLUTION: IS THIS ALL THERE IS?" with amongst others Simon Blackburn and Sue Blackmore,

Call 0207 079 3580 for further details and how to book tickets.

Ethical Record, August/September 2009 9

WILLIAM McGONAGALL (1825-1902): THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAD POET?

lain King Lecture to the Ethical Society, 14 June 2009

In the past I have discussed German topics here, but today represents an exception.William McGonagall, like myself, is seriously Scottish. My home country hasproduced engineers and scientists, soldiers and missionaries, economists andphilosophers, politicians and footballers of whom we can be proud. Then there are menof letters: novelists from Walter Scott amd Robert Louis Stevenson to Irvine Welsh, andpoets, from the great Robert Bums to - yes, to McGonagall, though no adjectives forhim yet. Let's say that Burns, the ploughman bard from my native Ayrshire, wrote verygood poetry, and that McGonagall' s work too is remarkable in its way. I will provideplenty of illustrations to show what that way was.

McGonagall, as his surname might suggest, came from an Irish family, but wasborn in Edinburgh and apart from brief visits to London and New York, spent all hislife in Scotland. He never had any formal education beyond the age of seven, had alarge family to support, and until the 1870s did so as a hand-loom weaver in the city ofDundee. But the introduction of mechanical looms meant that hand-weavers werefalling on hard times. So it was fortunate for our hero, and for posterity, that in 1877 he'received the spirit of poetry', though one may wonder whether the literary museactually hit him over the head with a large blunt instrument. Let's hear the author's ownwords, from his Autobiography:

... it being the holiday week in Dundee, I was sitting in my back room lamentingto myself because I couldn't get to the Highlands on holiday to see the beautifulscenery, when all of a sudden my body got inflamed, and instantly I was seized with astrong desire to write poetry, so strong in fact that in imagination I thought I heard avoice crying in my ears - 'WRITE! WRITE!' I wondered what could be ttte matter withme, and I began to walk backwards and forwards, in a great fit of excitement, sayingto myself - 'I know nothing about poetry.' But still the voice kept ringing in my ears -'Write, write!, until at last, being overcome with a desire to write poetry, I found paper,pen and ink, and in a state of frenzy, sat me down to think what would be my Firstsubject for a poem.'

As a good Christian, McGonagall decides to write in praise of a local preacher. Iwill recite this Opus One partly because it incorporates his style, strengths andweaknesses so clearly and partly because it changed his life: He sent it to the localnewspaper, the Weekly News, which printed it and launched him on his career. Two ofthe tests of literary quality are often said to be: Is it unmistakably the work of oneparticular author, and has the work stood the test of time? The answers are yes and yes:unlike many more distinguished authors, McGonagall's work has never been confusedwith anyone else's, and it has been in print ever since.

AN ADDRESS TO THE REVEREND GEORGE GILFILLANAll hail to the Reverend George Gilfillan of Dundee,He is the greatest preacher I did ever hear or see.Fie is a man of genius bright,And in him his congregation does delight,

10 Ethical Record, AugusaSeptember 2009

Because they find him to be honest and plain,Affable in temper, and seldom known to complain.He preaches in a plain, straightforward way,The people flock to hear him night and day,And hundreds from the doors are often turned away,Because he is the greatest preacher of the present day.

He has also written about the Bards of the Bible,Which occupied nearly three years in which he was not idle,Because when he sits down to write, he does it with might and main.And to get an interview with him, it would be almost vain,And in that he is always right,For the Bible tells Os whatever your hands findeth to do, do it with all your might.

Let's consider what makes this poem so special, and its author's work soinstantly recognisable. First, it is not the fact that it rhymes. Poetry in the 19th centurynormally does rhyme, and apart from the dubious combination of 'Bible' and 'idle', onthis basic level the poem works all right. However, traditional poetry also usually hasrhythm. You know, 'Tee turn tee tum tee turn tee mm'. I'll give you an example byAlfred Lord Tennyson. who was Poet Laureate in McGonagall's time, and so knewhow to do it:

I come from haunts of coot and hem.I make a sudden sally,And sparkle out among the fern.To bicker down a valley.

This Tennyson poem, which as many will recognise as The Brook, also goes in forrepetitions. notably the lines 'For men may come and men may 20, But I go on forever.' , which indeed that poem very nearly does. Both repetitions and excessive lengthare qualities well-known to McGonagall's readers, but he just has not got rhythm.Where Tennyson's brook babbles cheerfully along, McGonagall's verse galumphs likean overweight dancer with two left feet. It reads like prose, and sometimes ponderousprose. which just happens to rhyme at the end of the lines.

Our hero does occasionally think about what he is doing, but he does not thinkvery hard or very successfully. His heart is in the right place. he wants to show respectfor his subject, but the whole thing ends in a comical anticlimax. All this criticism isjustified. Yet when sold for a penny on the streets of Dundee. or twopence if signed bythe author. then I still reckon the public was getting a bargain. More important, enoughof them evidently agreed.

McGonagall A Performance ArtistIf we refer to the contents page of a single McGonagall volume, we find BonnieCallender, Bonnie Kilmany, Bonnie Montrose, Beautiful Comrie, Beautiful NorthBerwick, Beautiful Crieff, Beautiful Balmoral, Beautiful Village of Penicuik, BeautifulNairn, The Ancient Town of Leith, The City of Perth and Bonnie Dundee in 1878. Thiswas of course before the Scottish Tourist Board was set up! My guess is thatMcGonagall recited his poetry in pubs and village halls in most of these places - for hewas a performance artist, indeed a tragedian, as well as a writer - and knew about theneed to get the audience on his side by stroking their local patriotism and praising theirhome towns. Then he would pass on the latest news in poetic form, but in the manner

Ethical Record, AugusilSeptember 2009 1 I

of the red-tops rather than in a measured leading article from The Times. So we learndistressing tidings of The Wreck of the Steamer "Stella ", The Wreck of the Steamer"Storm Queen", The Wreck of the "Abercrombie Robinson", The Loss of the"Victoria":

Twas on Thursday the twenty-second of lune,And off the coast of Syria. and in the afternoon.And in the year of our Lord 1893That the ill-fated Victoria sank to the bottom of the sea.

The Victoria sank in fifteen minutes after she was rammed.In eighty fathoms of water, which was smoothly calmed:The monster war vessel capsized bottom uppermost, •And alas, lies buried in the sea totally lost.

The Victoria was the flagship of the Mediterranean Fleet.And was stmck by the Camperdown, when too close they did meet.While practising the naval and useful art of war,How to wheel and discharee their shot at the enemy afar:

Oh Heaven! Methinks I see some men lying in their beds.And some skylarking, no doubt, and not a soul dreadsThe comine avalanche that was to seal their doom.Until down came the mighty fabric of the engine room.

Then death leaped in them from all quarters in a moment, And there were explosions of maeazines and boilers rent,And the fire and steam and water beat out all life.But I hope the drowned ones are in the better world, free from strife...

a sentiment with which we would surely agree. Notice that our hero does not questionthe desirability of naval exercises in foreign pans, but he clearly has doubts about thenavi2ating skills of the officers on the two ships but he is comforted by the thought thatthe victims, including their commanding officer, 'Sir George Tyron, a noble hero bold.'are all now sailing their battleship safely into that great big harbour in the sky.

McGonagall's Battle Of WaterlooMcGonagall's most remarkable celebration of battle deals with an occasion when Scotsand English were on the same side: The Battle of Waterloo. Since this epic weighs inat no less than 26 stanzas, there is not enough time to quote it in full, though its authorwould perhaps have claimed in his defence that it was after all a long battle.Interestingly, he never mentions the timely arrival of the Prussians. Its other specialityis that it contains probably the worst attempted rhyme that I've ever seen. FirstMcGonagall introduces the two commanders:

Twas in the year 1815, and on the 18th day of June,That British cannon against the French army loudly did boom,Upon the ever memorable bloody field of Waterloo,Which Napoleon remembered when in St. Helena, and bitterly did me ...

The Duke of Wellington stood upon a bridge behind La Haye,And viewed the British army in all their grand array.And where danger threatened most, thc noble Duke was foundIn the midst of shot and shell on every side around ...

12 Ethical Record, August/September 2009

Battle duly commences, and a hard pounding it is indeed, with no mention of theplaying fields of Eton.

By these desperate attacks Napoleon lost ten thousand men.And left them weltering in their gore like sheep in a pen;And the British lost one thousand men - which wasn't very great.Because the great Napoleon met with a crushing defate.

(Sony, crushing defeat, though you could just excuse that rhyme with the Irish roots, not only of Mc Gonagall, but of the Duke himself. Now the fight takes on a wonyingturn.)

It was a most dreadful sight to beholdHeaps upon heaps of dead men, lying stiff and cold:While the cries of the dying were lamentable to hear;And for the loss of their comrades many a soldier shed a tear...

Methinks I see the solid British square,Whilst the shout of the French did rend the air,As they rush against the square of steel,Which forced them back and made them reel."

Now we are approaching the climax, and the worst rhyme in the history of verse.Enjoy!

Then the French cavalry receded from the square they couldn't penetrate,Still Napoleon thought to weary the British into defeat:But when he saw his columns drivenback in dismay.He cried: 'How beautifully these English fight, but they must give way.'

Wait for it, nearly there!

And well did British bravery deserve the proud encomium,Which their enduring courage drew from the brave Napoleon;

(Wow!)

And when the close column of infantry came on the British square,Then the British gave one loud cheer which did rend the air ...And the road was choked and encumbered with the dead;And unable to stand the charge, the French instantly fled.And Napoleon's army of yesterday was now a total wreck,Which the British manfully for ten long hours held in check.

Then panic-struck, the French were forced to yield,And Napoleon turned his charger's head, and fled from the field,With his heart full of woe, no doubt-Exclaiming, 'Oh, Heaven! My noble army has met with a total rout!'

Why is there no mention of this masterpiece among all the details of Napoleon'svictories on the Arc de Triomphe? I ask myself. Anyone who rhymes 'encomium' and'Napoleon' is indeed bidding for the title of the world's worst poet. This is awful stuff,a ten on the Richter Scale of awfulness. But was its author perhaps well aware of thefact? As an upstanding, religious man, McGonagall would have been horrified to hear

Ethical Record, August/September 2009 13

that sex sells; but was he himself a deliberate salesman of tripe? Was he writing rubbishbecause it was what his audiences wanted and paid for and because he had a specialtalent for not just any old ordinary verse, but for really appalling, rank bad stuff?

This raises another set of questions. Would we criticise him if his entire oeuvreturned out to be a successful con? He's a 52-year-old, out-of-work weaver with a familyto support and not even a pension to look forward to, tryine to re-invent himself. Hediscovers that he can get poems published and bought, and the worse they are, theeasier publication seems to be. He corners the market for metrical tat, and good luck tohim. It takes guts to put on a poetry show in a succession of God-forsaken Scottishvillages, church halls and pubs, especially if you are a teetotaller yourself.

Was It All A Conscious 'Hick?You pays your money and takes your choice. The cynical McGonagall, deliberatelypenning doggerel to Scottish country bumpkins, like a snake-oil salesman in the WildWest: That is indeed one possible explanation. Surely when he wrote 'I bow the kneeto Shakespeare, but to none other!' , he must have been having his readers on, mustn'the? I'm not so sure. Misguided, even mad was how his environment perceived him:they saw no cynicism. And he undeniably worshipped Shakespeare; if comparinghimself to the Bard of Avon was meant even remotely seriously, it indicates a mindcomically deranged, but in its self-delusion strangely noble, a naivety so overwhelmingas to be deeply impressive. So my belief, and it can only be a belief which cannot beproved, is that it was not a con trick. When he wrote in praise of Shakespeare, he meantevery word. The Address to Shakespeare is shorter than most of his poetic gems. Eatyour heart out, the Reduced Shakespeare Company, there are three of you, but thegallant William gets a result all by himself. Enjoy!

Immortal! William Shakespeare, there's none can you excel,You have drawn out your characters remarkably well,Which is delightful for to see enacted upon the stage -For instance, the love-sick Romeo. or Othello, in a rage;His writings are a treasure, which the world cannot repay,He was the greatest poet of the past or of the present day,

McGonaeall family did not have the money to visit London theatres and watchthe plays he loved; the nearest he could ever get was to read them to his children at thefire, or of course perform scenes from them himself. So what seems a non sequitursuddenly becomes a quite touching image of the poet and family man. I want to believein someone who in his person demonstrates the correctness of the lines from AMidsummer Night's Dream: The lunatic, the lover and the poet, Are of imagination allcompact.'

Yet it is perhaps the fellow-countrymen in me who loves the appalling oldversifier so much. He really cares, not just about Scotland in general, but even more forhis own neck of the woods in particular. When The Famous Tay Whale is caught bylocal fisherman, McGona2all commemorates the feat of derring-do. Any passing 21stcentury environmentalist may shudder, but the poem was set to music by Matyas Seiberin 1958, with a narrator, for a full orchestra, foe-horn and espresso machine. When abeautiful railway bridge is built in his home town, this too is celebrated withunderstandable civic pride. How was McGonagall to know that Sir Thomas Bouch was

14 Ethical Record, AugusilSeptember 2009

to civil engineering what he himself was to poetry? Or that the constructors wouldskimp in their expenditure on rivets? Or that there would be a terrible storm in lateDecember 1879, with traeic results? This unfortunate chain of events led toMcGonagall' s most famous poem. It has the lot: local disaster, over-the-top imagery,too frequently repeated lines which still can never quite rhyme and a practical moral ofthe architectural kind. In short, this is a unique poetic experience, and unless you aredescended from one of the victims it is a bit like the death of Little Nell in Dickens'sThe Old Curiosity Shop, of which it is written that when it is recited you'd have to havea heart of stone not to burst out laughing. Here is McGonaeall's masterpiece:The Tay Bridge Disaster:

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Sily'ry Tay!Alas! 1 am very sony to sayThat ninety lives have been taken awayOn the last Sabbath day of 1879.Which will be remembered for a very long time.

`Twas about seven 0' clock at night.And the wind it blew with all its might,And the rains came pouring down,And the dark clouds seemed to frown.And the Demon of the air seemed to say

blow down the Bridge of Tay.'

When the train left EdinburghThe passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,But Boreas blew a terrific gale.Which made their hearts for to quail,And many of the passengers with fear did say -'I hope God will send us safe across thc Bridge of Tay.

So the train sped on with all its might.And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight.And the passengers' hearts felt light.Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,With their friends at home they loved most dear,And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train moved slowly along the Bridge of Tay.Until it was about midway.Then the central girders with a crash gave way.And down went the train and passengers into the Thy!The Storm Fiend did loudly bray.Because ninety lives had been taken away,On the last Sabbath day of 1879.Which will be remembered for a very long time.

Not great poetry.. but more than just bad poetry. This is magnificently, hugely,overwhelmingly bad, till it almost attains heroic status. Perhaps William McGonagallis not the worst poet this planet has ever seen, but if there really is an even worsespecimen, then in 59 years I have not yet come across him. Dundonian, weaver, familyman, grandiloquent poet and tragedian: let's later drink a cup of tea toeether in honourof the teetotal versifier, the Great McGonagall.

Ethical Record, August/September 2009 15

PROGRAMME OF EVENTS AT THE ETHICAL SOCIETYThe Library, Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, Holborn, WCIR 4RL.

Tel: 020 7242 8037/8031/4 Reuistered Charity No. 251396 Website: www.ethicalsoc.org.uk email: library@ethicalsoc.org.uk

For programme updates, email: spesupdate@yahoo.co.uk No charge unless stated

SEPTEMBER 2009Saturday 19 PHILOSOPHICAL SOCIETY OF ENGLAND1430 CAN WE EDUCATE IN A POST-MODERN WORLD? asksChris OrmeII

(B.Russell Room)

Monday 21 JAZZ APPRECIATION GROUP1900 Songs at the piano - Shirley Horne. (CD)

Sunday 27 ANNUAL REUNION OF THE KINDRED SOCIETIES

1430 Reports and opinion from the various societies in the humanist and freethoughtmovement. Refreshments.

OCTOBERSunday 41100

1500

Thursday 81900

THE CASE FOR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY.Bryan Niblett, barrister, Emeritus Professor, University of Wales

MEMES AND CREATIVE WRITING. Mick Kinshott

THE CONWAY MEMORIAL LECTURE ONDARWIN'S RELIGIOUS JOURNEYJohn I ledley BrookeAndreos Idreos Professor Emeritus of Science and Religion, U. of OxfordHonorary Professor of the History of Science, Lancaster University

Sunday 11

1100 SAM HARRIS AND BELIEF. Sam Harris is the author of The End of Faith.David McDonagh

1500 FREETHOUGHT HISTORY RESEARCH GROUPSOCIALIST REPUBLICANISM. Steve Freeman (Brockway Room)

Tuesdays Oct 13, 20, 27, Nov 3 SPES EVENING COURSE on Darwin's Life StoryOct 13 at 1900 Darwin as a student. Tutor: Donald Rooum. Refreshments.

Sunday 181100 ETHICS AT THE FREEDOM OF EXRESSION FRONTLINE

David Brewer, a journalist who has worked in totalitarian countries

1500 Bring your TOPICAL ETHICAL ISSUES. Chair: Terry Mullins

October 251100 ATHEISM: MISPERCEPTIONS AND MISCONSRUCTIONS

Srdjan Johanovic

1500 IIUMANISM IN EUROPE Josh Kuchinski

SPES's CONWAY HALL SUNDAY CONCERTS

6.30pm Tickets £7; under 18 £3

• October 4October 11 Allegri Quartet: Haydn, Tippett, Tchaikovsky

Badke Quartet: Haydn, Bartok, Mendelssohn

No ConcertOctober 18Ibuki Trio: Haydn, Ravel, SchubertOctober 25

Full details on: www.conwayhallsondayconcertsurg.uk

Published by the South Place Ethical Society, Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square. WC IR 4RL

Printed by LG. Bryson (Printer) Ltd. 156-162 High Road, London N2 9AS ISSN 0014 - 1690