kiwi: freshers' week 2012

11

Freshers’ Week 2012


22


Editor: Natalie GilDesign: Adam GraySports editor: Ben Quarry

This issue:Amazingly talented illustrators:

Claudia Stocker (front and back cover)(claudiastocker.com)Esther Kezia Harding(estherkeziaharding.com)Lizzie Marx([email protected])

Contributors (in order): Niall de Lancey-QuilleBen LevyJohn FinnertyBen QuarryLewis BartlettIsabelle Bush

4Selwyn: A trade-down

5 Love: Riding So-low?

6Shower buddies: A budding friendship?

7The Futility of Fresher Fashion

8-9Food: Baking Blue

10The issue with the salad

11Selwyn’s Sporting Stereotypes

... You’d better get used to this

33


Editor’s letter

But we don’t only wear gowns.

See page 7

It feels like only yesterday that I was cramming my mum’s tiny Kia Picanto with enough stuff to last me for about a year. Clothes were my main problem. For some reason, I was adamant that

I’d need about ten sundresses in the midst of autumn. Then again, with the planet in such a state, they may have come in handy (but needless to say, they didn’t). I brought a lot of fairy lights with me too, cream-coloured roses to be precise. Fairy lights that I swiftly learnt aren’t allowed in college. Health and safety is paramount, etc. etc. you heard it hear first. Anyway, welcome to Selwyn. You’ll love it. Especially the bunch of you lucky enough to be living in Ann’s in your first year. To those in Cripps, just grin and bear it.

Freshers’ week, along with exam term and Week Five of every term (you’ll know when the Week Five Blues strike) is a time when you’ll probably end up wishing (at least for a fleeting second) that you’d chosen a different university. I mean, the name of this ‘Freshers’ Week’ Kiwi is slightly misleading, considering that the “week”, hailed as being the pinnacle of our student careers, actually ends up being about four days at Cambridge. You’ll get pangs of envy as you scour your Facebook newsfeeds and realise that you’ve already written 5 essays by the time your home friends have finished their fortnight-long Freshazz. Don’t worry though. Cambridge terms may be like a rollercoaster ride, but they almost always end on a high.

Freshers: don’t fret!

Wear your gown in town and you’ll be mistaken for a Harry Potter extra.

Or be beaten up. One of the two

(P.S. If you want to contribute to the next issue of Kiwi (due at the end of Michaelmas), email me at [email protected]. I’m open-minded, so pitch ideas to me. Knock yourselves out).

Kiwi asked prized Selwyn alumnus Wes Streeting (SE 2001), Labour councillor and former NUS- and CUSU President, about his freshers’ week experience: “There were the inevitable worries about fitting in and about some of the rituals of matriculation and formal hall. Buying a gown - and a suit, because it was the first suit I’d ever owned - felt a bit like Harry Potter’s first trip to Diagon Alley. The worries soon subside when you realise everyone’s in the same boat. “Freshers’ Week won’t necessarily be the “Best Week of Your Life”. It was great, but easily outdone by subsequent weeks and yearsin Cambridge. Don’t feel under pressure to do it all in the first week!”

4


Selwyn: A trade-downIs Cripps not the 5-star luxury you

(foolishly) expected? Selwyn’s resident posho Niall de Lancey-Quille was similarly disappointed

If it’s not being awoken by the fire alarm at 7am and traipsing down in one’s smoking jacket and night time cravat to wait in what’s left of the

monstrosity called Cripps Court in the freezing cold, then it’s being disturbed each night by the alcoholic barfing of some ghastly Fresher returning from formal, clutching a bottle of throat-scorchingly toxic wine, purchased from the shabbily-stocked cellars of Selwyn College (a poor match for the de Lancey-Quille French vineyards).

Yes, believe me I know.I understand.I see your dilemma. I recognise your pain. l feel your disappointment.You all expected so much more by the time you

reached Selwyn, didn’t you? Just take a look outside your window (if you can

brush away the grime) – no gardeners wandering the grounds aimlessly; no Mr Postman tipping his hat in early morning greeting; no milkmaid doing…well!

Now push it open (if you can bear it) and prepare yourself for the stench of vomitus wafting heavenwards from the closely cropped lawns, the venue of last night’s rugby initiation, like mist rising from a boggy marshland.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this – not for me anyway…

The de Lancey-Quille’s of Berkshire expected SO MUCH more. I bet you did too. And I know what you’ll say as well: it’s the small things that

disappoint. The lack of Jun Pang – your 24-hour maid back in the days of Prep School – now unable to dust around your bed for fear of upsetting the Union of Cleaning Staff’s rules on EU Employment. The lack of crisply laundered shirts laid out on your divan each morning by your ‘man’. No butter-cutting sharp creases on your Hackett Chinos anymore. No place in the rickety cupboards to store your collar studs and cufflinks. And worse still: leaving shoes outside your room each evening only to awaken and re-discover them not only left unpolished – yes, that’s UNpolished – but that some pagan oik has deposited a perfectly formed turd into the left Loafer.

Fear not, however, I am here for you. To offer guidance, tender words of solace and, of course, to advise you on your investments. For we live in enlightened times and the de Lansey-Quille’s of Berkshire are nothing if not adaptable. After all, we have endured MUCH worse; did you know that the County Council cancelled the Hunt before I left to come up to Cambridge?! It is, of course, an outrage.

In short, I am to be known as your Uncle Niall – to be 100% relied upon whenever you feel low, anguished or diminished.

For I am and will always be a ‘man of the people’.Keep your faith and your bow ties straight. I

look forward to crossing hoops with you on the croquet lawn soon.

Ever Yours,Niall de Lancey-Quille

5


Ben Levy, third year lawyer

Riding So-low?Is being single while at Cambridge really the be all and end

all? Ben Levy and John Finnerty battle it out

The best part of being single is hoping to get into a relationship. And what’s the best part of being in a relationship? Yep, you guessed it – hoping you can get out of it and be single again. So save the worry,

cut out the middle-man and stay single! For those of you who loaded the minibus, packed your Spiderman

duvet cover, ironed your ‘Salty Dog’ t-shirts and pressed your Marks and Spencer’s underwear before coming up to Selwyn, have no fear – being single opens a world of possibilities:

• Getting into bed at 9:30 and marathon-watching the Big Bang Theory until 2am, only to be disturbed by the nauseating gales of laughter seeping under your door from content and squiffy couples staggering back from some ghastly club;

• Lying awake at night hoping the rhythmic sound of banging from above is just some looped dubstep track, ownership of that Bulgarian CompSci whom you never saw;

• Hijacking the last available place on a swap to try and hurry bedwards to Murray Edwards but being manhandled out by Arvin and Sanjay because you threw up on the table instead;

• Spending months trying to get May Ball tickets and even longer trying to get a girl to go with you, but eventually settling for ‘Rob, The Mathmo’ to accompany you instead.

You see – it’s simple! Nothing to worry about! Being single’s great… Isn’t it?

Why have a burger when there’s steak in the fridge?

“Is a long distance relationship worth it?” I barely understand my own relationship, let alone other people’s. But if you love someone you can make it work. Britain is a small island. Book your trains/buses/ferries several months in advance.

However, long distance only seems simple to me because I’m a pro - I’ve been practicing for two years now. I remember having the conversation before Cambridge. We agreed that even though we made each other miserable, it was in the interests of mankind to make sure no one else had to put up with either of us. But everyone has doubts…

What if I meet someone amazing at university and fall in love? What if all the girls in Cambridge are so fit, that I won’t be able to stop myself from having sex with them? Legitimate questions. However, these need addressing if and when they occur. There are

amazing people everywhere, not just in Cambridge. It doesn’t make any sense to pre-emptively end a happy relationship in the vague hope there might be something a bit better down the A1. The grass isn’t always greener and even if it seems it, it’s probably been sprayed with insecticide.

Maybe you’re one of those people that see “uni” as a fish farm. Forget the sea – fish are indeed plentiful there but inside the Cambridge bubble, none can escape your barbed hooks. Only ever eaten salmon and you want to try haddock and trout? I’ve done more anatomy than any sane person should and those bits that you’re interested in - they really don’t vary that much. If you’re single, go wild – catch as many fish as you like. If you’re in a relationship and happy then, in my experience, there’s normally a good reason they’re in the keep-net.

John Finnerty, third year medic

With TV on demand, who needs a relationship anyway?

6


The concept of a shower buddy is an odd one, notably unique to Selwyn, so don’t be surprised if the line “I had to borrow

shampoo off my shower buddy today” raises a few eyebrows in lectures. However, you’ll all probably find yourselves as one half of a couple of sorts while at Selwyn, only problem is this relationship is far more about the lather than the love. So let’s settle this once and for all – is the college right to be changing Cripps to ensuites? Or is the redevelopment going to deprive future students of a ‘proper’ Selwyn experience?

To deal first with the bonuses of the Cripps set up – having a shower buddy is a very easy way to make a new friend (at least you’ll have one person to face the daunting task of going to hall with). Possibly more importantly, it makes the ordeal of losing your keys far less stressful as you remember that there’s always a ‘backdoor’ into your room. One mustn’t get too spoilt by the luxuries of Old or Ann’s Court either – to have one shower between two people is an exceptional ratio (rumour has it there’s a court in Trinity with only one shower to service everyone!) And anyway, if there are two of you then you’re twice as likely to remember to report maintenance issues and half as likely to run out of soap!

Unfortunately, there are one or two downsides to the douche-sharing. For a start, this new ‘friend’ of yours might well end up being a right weirdo. I’ve been very fortunate so far to have had two great shower buddies (unfortunate enough to have been in Cripps two years running, but that’s another story!) but I have heard horror stories of pairings that just didn’t quite click. Although possibly the most troublesome element of shower buddies is

the engineering that accompanies it – the walls are paper thin and leave nothing to the imagination (again, I pray for your sake that you don’t have a weird shower buddy!). Whilst this might not be a problem if you subscribe to the motto of ‘sharing is caring’, it’s safe to say that it’s not everybody’s cup of tea!

On balance, I think that having a shower buddy is a good thing, a right of passage. If you are exceptionally unlucky it can be excruciating, but for the most part it forges friendships that last and (in the very least) helps to contribute to college gossip. That being said, I’m definitely glad I’m in a set in Old Court now.

A budding friendship?... Or are shower buddies just a pain in the freshly

scrubbed backside? Asks Ben Quarry

You too could have an intimate shower buddy relationship. Just don’t hog the soap

7


The Futility of Fresher Fashion

You’ve packed your folders, frying pans and, most probably, some fresh fashion items. New clothes are a crucial part of the Best-

Version-of-Myself mentality that pervades the mind of the innocent fresher as they embark on their university experience.

Many of you will have had the following conversation or at least one similar: “Yes [insert name of most gullible parent here] I MUST have a whole new wardrobe because I have absolutely NOTHING to wear that reflects the hip and sophisticated trendsetter that I truly am (in a playfully ironic way, of course). So I NEED this extortionately-priced animal patterned jumper from Jack Wills”.

We all, to an extent, want to reinvent ourselves when we come to university and clothing is the most obvious way of doing this. During freshers’ week then, as you’re bopping to brunch in the uncomfortable new brogues that you haven’t yet worn in, or gliding around town in your swishy new skater skirt, it may indeed feel, both to you and your spectators, like you’ve stepped into an Abercrombie and Fitch Autumn/ W i n t e r advertising campaign.

However, don’t let the fashion-conscious façade of Selwyn’s undergraduate population fool you, dear fresher. Ninety-five percent of your peers have neither the endurance nor the bank balance to keep this up for

longer than the first fortnight of term. Anyone with half a brain (you’re at Cambridge so that probably includes you) will realise that other things, such as food and room rent, are slightly more important for your survival than possessing the season’s “must have” suede (and therefore unwearable) 5-inch ankle boots. Boots that will be rain stained as soon as you step outside of Cripps.

Soon enough, your first thought on waking up after a VK-fuelled night on the lash at Life or playing Warhammer until the early hours (delete as appropriate) won’t be what to wear for the day ahead, but more minor things like, say, I don’t know, your degree!

Keep flying the flag for fashion all you want, but most people end up conceding eventually. Arts students will recognise their envied ability to roll straight out of bed into their Sidgwick Site lecture theatres, and sportspeople, whose team stash will swiftly become their uniform for the dual purpose of status-seeking and laziness, will become unavoidable around college.

So freshers, make the most of these first few fashionable weeks, when everyone cares about the image they’re emitting to their

fellow students. It won’t be long before stumbling about in brogues and It Boots is swapped for slobbing around Hall in Uggs. But it’s nice to make the effort for a little bit at least.

Kitted out with spanking new garbs for uni? You needn’t have bothered, argues Natalie Gil

8


Despite Cripps’ apparent renovation, baking in college is still a near-insurmountable task. However, for those of us caught in an

indulgent and highly fattening Great British Bake-Off obsession, problems such as the lack of an oven will not deter us from making excellent desserts!

Lemon and Honey Stacks

Ingredients• 80g butter• 160g caster sugar• 80g Golden Syrup or Clear Honey• Bicarbonate of Soda • 250g Greek Style Yoghurt• 250g Mascarpone Cheese• Lemon Curd (22p in Sainsbury’s!)

1. First, the honeycomb (also known as cinder toffee). Gently heat the butter, sugar and honey/golden syrup together until the butter is melted and sugar dissolved.

2. Heat your other hob plate up to high and transfer the pan over to it once step 1 is complete. Boil the mixture rapidly without stirring (or the sugar will crystallise) for

about 5 minutes (or until golden brown).3. Add 2 tablespoons of bicarb and stir

rapidly as the mixture foams up and increases in volume. Tip onto an oiled baking tray (or whatever else you have to hand) and set to cool.

4. Blend the yoghurt and mascarpone together and beat until thick. Break up the honeycomb into palm-sized pieces.

5. Layer honeycomb, lemon curd, yoghurt blend, lemon curd, honeycomb in stacks as tall as your heart desires. Should keep in the fridge for a few days.

Baking extraordinaire Lewis Bartlett reveals how to make mouth-watering treats in Cripps

with some gyp-friendly tips

Baking Blue

Who needs Creme Brulee? These recipes carry no risk of being 5 pennied and having to eat

dessert with your face

... And if you fail your degree you’ve always got ovenless baking to fall back on!

9


Kiwi’s pick of the best biscuits

Malteser Surprise Giant Chocolate Truffles

Ingredients• 568ml double cream (or suitable

substitute, e.g. Elmlea)• 300g Milk chocolate• 600g dark chocolate (70% cocoa)• A colossal number of Maltesers. (Eat

the leftovers, so don’t worry about overbuying).

• Suitable truffle coating (cocoa powder, coloured sugar, crushed nuts etc.)

1. Make your ganache. Heat the cream (microwave is fine) until it’s just too hot to hold your finger in, don’t allow it to boil.

2. Melt in the chocolate (make sure it’s a room temperature and break into little pieces first). The temperature of the cream should be hot enough to melt it all in.

3. Stir as little as possible to avoid bubbles, but make sure the mixture is well combined. It should be a dark glossy colour.

4. Leave the ganache to cool in the fridge for anywhere between 30 minutes to over an hour, until it’s set but still workable.

5. Cover each Malteser in a 2 cm shell of ganache, and roll in your chosen covering (coloured sugar or sherbet are my personal favourites).

6. Leave in the fridge to set after handling, serve to adoring friends or gluttonously hoard them and eat over the next few days. Don’t plan on them keeping for long, no one has the willpower to ignore these beauties in a communal fridge for long!

‘Toffee Dodgers’“No added nasties! Artificial colours! Flavours! Or sweeteners!” Woo.£1.15 (but worth the extra expense!)

Freshers’ week is all about being friendly and likeable (well, pretending to be). So when you’re not whipping up a culinary storm in the gyp and pissing off your new corridor buddies with mountains of dirty utensils, why not invite them into your boudoir for a cheeky cuppa to redeem yourself? At Kiwi Towers, ‘best’ biscuits means cheap and calorie-laden. Here are some cookies you can’t ignore...*

Some may prefer a more refined kind

of truffle, but Kiwi is always

tempted by little chocolate balls. No ques-

tions asked

*(No prize for guessing Kiwi’s supermarket of choice)

Sainsbury’s Basics DigestivesSelf explanatory.33p

Sainsbury’s Garibaldis‘Squashed fly biscuits’. Mmm89p

And if you’re looking to impress...

Sainsbury’s Bourbons, Custard Creams & Malted MilksAn industrial-sized quantity. Perfect for a self-loathing-fuelled binge.£1.19

10


The issue with the salad

(Advice courtesy of the Daily Fail Mail)

Listen up catering staff! Isabelle Bush thinks Selwyn needs a Tosser (no, not that kind)

Fellow Selwynites,Let’s be honest – the biggest issue we face in

Hall on a daily basis is the salad. Quite simply, it’s grim. Nasty, lacking in variety and mostly smothered with mayonnaise... One wonders why so many still have the guts to face it. I put it down to determination – an attribute that is notorious amongst Cambridge students.

Aside from the wilting leaves, leftover veg and dodgy quiches, the greatest problem is the lack of tossing facilities. An untossed salad is really not worth it. I understand it has supposed health benefits, but really... a plate with carrots on one third, beetroot on another and tomatoes-that –need-another-month-to-ripen spread out on another is really very far from appealing. As

my Italian Nonna always tells me, “to make-a the insalata buona, you need-io a good tossing action”. And while many of us may have this move perfected, without the tossing facilities in Hall, how are we ever to achieve devilish green ambrosia for lunch? Never.

And this, my friends, is where my idea for the Super-Salad Tosser originated from. As can be seen in my diagram, you place the desired food in the drum, add some dressing, let the Tosser do its job and soon enough, a perfectly tossed (and chopped) salad is dispensed on your plate.

Thus, I propose that the College bursar should set aside some funds to make this ingenious creation a reality.

What a clever Tosser (patent pending).

Get your money’s worth...

11


Selwyn’s sporting stereotypes

Having dabbled in most of Selwyn’s sports, I feel I’m more than qualified to make some flagrant generalisations and almost certainly

offend people with incorrect assumptions about themselves and their chosen pastimes. I make no apologies for any stereotypes, but equally offer a disclaimer that most of them are tongue in cheek and said in jest. Without further ado, let’s examine the various genres of sportsmen and women at Selwyn.

RowingThe Boat Club is the largest sports club at

Selwyn and rule number one of Boat Club is that you do not talk about anything other than Boat Club. Whilst on the one hand, it might be argued that they are very committed to their training (combining early morning outings with evening circuits) and extremely devoted to their sport (most tend to just row), to those who don’t partake in the Boat Club Dinners (BCDs), the members of the Boat Club just seem mad!

RugbyThe rugby team tends to harbour more

balanced individuals, able to talk about things other than circuits and ergos. Indeed most would claim to play more than one sport and even (shock horror!) have interests other than on a field of play. Unfortunately, the players tend to have rather inflated opinions of themselves, but hey, we are just better… Right?*

FootballThe footballers eat, sleep and live football. If

they’re not out on the pitch playing a match or

practicing set pieces, they’re in the bar watching the game; talking tactics over game of Football Manager; or maybe just playing a casual bit of FIFA (forfeit rules applied).

Netball Mixed netball tends to be a chance for the girls

to play in a less ‘serious’ arena than their weekly girls’ games, safe in the knowledge that no boy really fully understands the rules (we just accept girls’/umpires’ decisions as gospel). As for the boys that play mixed netball – maybe they’re looking to impress that special girl (FYI - getting sweaty on a netball court is not a good move); or maybe they’re just looking to excel in a sport that they’ve always considered ‘easy’ and a ‘girls’ game’ (you will be torn to shreds, the girls will almost always be significantly better than you, regardless of height!). Either way, they’re misguided.

Other Sports The beauty of a place like Cambridge is that

there will always be a million and one new sports to try out and compete in. Just watch out for the seasoned pros of these novel sports. They will bore for England telling you how their handicaps have changed over the last 12 months, or how the way the ball bounces in the local courts just isn’t quite right.

All jokes aside, I implore all of you to try out each of these sports and find the model that suits you best.

* (10 points if you can guess Ben’s main sport)

Ben Quarry gives you the lowdown

kiwi: freshers' week 2012

Documents

freshers week kiwi

freshers week experience

freshers week wont

this33freshers week

best week

term youll

issue of kiwi

dont fret