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www.turftalk.co.za * editor@turftalk.co.za Wednesday, 1 April 2020

LEGUM Doctor Advocate Joubert (photo) and close friends have seized power at the NHA.

Joubert takes noble steps for racing Leading Advocates desert Maisels Chambers in NHA Board Capture

IN a bloodless coup at the National Horseracing Authority (NHA)’s Turffontein offices staged on Tuesday, Legum Doctor Advocate Altus Joubert SC, a former chairman of the NHA and the Thoroughbred Breeders Association (TBA), took control of the NHA for a second time.

In a typical display of his renowned, seasoned national authority, Legum Doctor Advocate Joubert, alongside Advocate R Bhana, SC, Advocate ‘Panarotti’ Stais, SC (conveniently neighbours on the same floor of Maisels Chambers, Johannes-burg) and Advocate Simmy Lebala, SC, ousted the recently elected Chair Susan Rowett and other board members who are not from the legal profession. They were Mr Vee Moodley, Dr Ashley Parker, Mr Arnold Hyde, Mr Robin Bruss, Mr Ken Truter and Mr Laurence Wernars. Legum Doctor Advocate Joubert commented: “In order for the NHA, and by implication racing, to function effectively, we need the hands-on manage-ment of a board of learned Advocates, including myself. The two Advocates already on the board are

not enough. We need power, vision and most of all a truly professional image for this organisation in these troubled times. Legum Doctor Advocate Joubert added: “We’ll be placing an advert soon, worded in a professional legal manner, to source more talent to our Board, perhaps someone with a nice double name like Kemp J Kemp or Mogoeng Mogoeng. And we need to conform to society standards and the diversity of our population by appointing, inter alia, a gay, lesbian or transvestite silk. Senior Advocate Jeremy Gauntlett, QC, SC, can probably assist with that. Not one dismissed Board member was willing to go on record, but one commented privately: “Susan decided that she doesn’t need this crap (to p2)

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ADVOCATE JOUBERT AND FRIENDS (fm p1) and we’re in full agreement. It’s one thing ceding authority to advocates, not much we can do about that as we know what kind of brutal power they wield. “But to listen to them ramble on incessantly for hours in board meetings is a killer. Nobody deserves to sit through long, gut-wrenching sessions crammed with le-gal terms, back-patting and academic virtue-signalling.

“Furthermore they bill per hour, and of course some of them get to fly first-class to Royal As-cot, which will bankrupt the NHA within weeks. That they offered to draw up the new advertise-ment for board members on a ‘pro bono’ basis is not enough!” Legum Doctor Advocate Joubert concluded: “We’ll be looking for people often featured in the news media as to further our national image; people sitting on State Commissions of Inquiry and also those featured in the media, including Noseweek. “And by the way, please mention in your article that I am not a doctor in the late Dr Richard Maponya way, I think he was a medical doctor. My academic doctorate was conferred by the Potchefstroom Campus. In addition, all of us on the new board will be adding “The Honourable” to our titles, like they do in the Nation-al Assembly. Thank you all for understanding. We have the future of racing at heart and we wish to carry racing to new heights via the noblest of professions.” - tt.

ATTORNEY Jonathan Witts-Hewinson of OffTheCliffeDeckerMoffmeyer:

Won’t be considered for new Board.

IT’S ALL ABOUT POLITICS

FOLLOWING the recent Asian Racing Conference, Racing Administrators from around the world were invited to discuss the next Saudi Cup and whether the 2021 renewal should be cancelled due to the host’s gross human rights violations.

DISCLAIMER: ALL PAGES IN THIS EDITION CONTAIN PARODIES, WHICH ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. HOWEVER, ALTUS JOUBERT DOES OWN ALL THE TITLES REFERRED TO - NO LIES THERE!

RACING fanatic and former racehorse owner Rob Zackey (photo) has been appointed Head

Of Private Security in the Office of the Presidency. Zackey almost flew off the handle on Facebook when someone insulted Presi-dent Cyril Ramaphosa this week and said: “You leave My President Alone, he is My

President!” The President was informed of this and wasted no time in securing Zackey’s

services. Zackey’s first task will be to bring all ‘insulters’ of our government and honourable

ministers into disrepute.

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WHAT’S INSIDE CLIFFIE MILLER’S

BEARD! MULTIPLE Kimberley Champion trainer Cliffie Miller appears in need of a shave...badly. Cliffie is crying poverty, claims not being able to afford a razor, but we can reveal today that he has grown this mammoth beard for hoarding purposes… this is where he stores his favourite things!

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1) SLINKY 2) LOCK OF STEPH MILLER’S HAIR 3) POCKET BIBLE 4) KFC DRUMSTICK 5) RUDOLPH 6) FLAMINGO FEATHER (rare) 7) SAILOR MALAN PHOTO 8) MINIBUS TAXI 9) LOOFAH BATH SPONGE

RA gives to Solidarity THE Racing Association has decided to do-nate it’s entire “Slush Account” to the gov-

ernment’s Solidarity Fund. To prevent theft, the use of donated funds will be carefully

administered by RA Board Member Charles Savage, who stopped just short of donating

his own company’s daily profits to The Solidarity Fund last week.

BAILEY SECURES SPONSORSHIP

TELLYTRACK’s up-and-

coming presenter Brandon Bailey has secured a sponsor-ship from UK-based Gordon

Sumner (a/k/a ‘Sting’), amount-ing to 100 face masks, the equivalent of his annual on-

course shifts. “He reminds me of the song ‘Don’t Stand So

Close To Me’, I performed with ‘The Police’ many years ago,”

said Sumner.

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ROBERT BLOOMBERG’s FITNESS MECCA

Atlantic Seaboard Branch

RACING pensioner Robert J Bloomberg has decid-ed to put his record stash of Kruger Rands to good use. Speaking from his spectacular Clifton bunker Bloomberg (60), told interviewer Ken Nicoll of TAB News: “I am lucky to have a gym at home so I can stay fit. I will be opening a new chain of fitness cen-tres, starting here in my own home on the Atlantic Seaboard. “The name will be ‘Robert Bloomberg’s Fitness Mecca’. I gave some thought to the word ‘Mecca’ too, wanted to dump it, but then decided to stay in the spirit of joy and peace to all. “I have so much space, there are so many recep-tion rooms and function rooms and decks I often get lost in my own mansion, though that may just be due to memory loss. It’s not easy at this age! “I will be inviting my neighbours for a workout first, Bernard Kantor, John Freeman and Henry Mansell. We’ll start with them and expand as new members come on board.”

SCORSESE TO MAKE MOVIE ABOUT SA RACING! FOLLOWING the success of his latest blockbuster ‘The Italian’, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese has announced he will be visiting South Africa to investigate the horseracing in-dustry for an exciting new project. “This is the most turbulent industry of its kind in the world,” said Scorsese. “It is tailor made for Hollywood success with all the intrigue I need.” Turf Talk has been reliably informed that Scorsese has already spoken to some of Hollywood’s top actors for this film, matching them carefully as revealed below.

Robert Downey, jr, as Markus Jooste.

ROWAN ATKINSON AS RIAN DU PLESSIS

MICHAEL CHICKLISS AS GRANT KNOWLES

‘JOHN BOY WALTON’ AS JOEY RAMSDEN

JOHNY KNOXVILLE AS LARRY WAINSTEIN

ROBIN BRUSS AS HIMSELF