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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camp-ing in the desert. After they got their tentall set up, both men fell sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes the LoneRanger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, looktowards sky, what you see?’The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millionsof stars.’‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.The Lone Ranger ponders for a minutethen says, ‘Astronomically speaking, ittells me there are millions of galaxies andpotentially billions of planets. Astrologi-cally, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Time wise, it appears to be approximatelya quarter past three in the morning. Theo-logically, the Lord is all-powerful and weare small and insignificant. Meteorologi-cally, it seems we will have a beautifulday tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?’‘You dumber than buffalo. It means some-one stole tent.’

How To Be A Mean Mean GirlJennifer’s wedding day was fast ap-proaching. Nothing could dampenher excitement - not even her parent’snasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECTdress to wear, and would be thebest-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified tolearn that her father’s new, young wife

had bought the exact same dress as hermother! Jennifer asked her father’s newyoung wife to exchange it, but she re-fused. ‘’Absolutely not! I look like a mil-lion bucks in this dress, and I’m wearingit,’’ she replied.Jennifer told her mother who graciouslysaid, ‘’Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get an-other dress. After all, it’s your specialday.’’A few days later, they went shopping,and did find another gorgeous dress forher mother. When they stopped for lunch,Jennifer asked her mother, ‘’Aren’tyou going to return the other dress? Youreally don’t have another occasion whereyou could wear it.”Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘’Ofcourse I do, dear.....I’m wearing it to therehearsal dinner the night BEFORE thewedding.’’

It was the doctor’s last patient consulta-tion of Christmas Eve. A mother came inwith her young daughter and asked if hewould examine her because she hadbeen showing some strange symptoms,including a significant increase in weight,sickness most mornings and a numberof strange cravings.He checked her out very carefully andeventually told the mother that her daugh-ter was unquestionably pregnant. At

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which news she protested very strongly.‘Don’t be ridiculous, my daughter hasnever been with a man’The girl confirmed that this was true andadded that she had never so much askissed a man.The doctor studied the girl very carefully,then quietly stood up, walked to the win-

dow and stared out of it.Suspecting the worst the mother askedif there was something wrong.“No, not really” replied the doctor. ‘It mightjust be a coincidence, but the last timethis happened a bright star appeared theEast.’

It was coming up to Christmas andSammy asked his mum if he could have

a new bike. So, she told him that thebest idea would be to write to SantaClaus. But Sam, having just played a vi-tal role in the school nativity play, saidhe would prefer to write to the baby Je-sus. So his mum told him that would befine.Sam went to his room and wrote ‘ DearJesus, I have been a very good boy andwould like to have a bike for Christmas.’But he wasn’t very happy when he readit over. So he decided to try again andthis time he wrote ‘Dear Jesus, I’m agood boy most of the time and would likea bike for Christmas.’ He read it backand wasn’t happy with that one either.He tried a third version. ‘Dear Jesus, I

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could be a good boy if I tried hard andespecially if I had a new bike.’ He readthat one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied.So, he decided to go out for a walk whilehe thought about a better approach. Af-ter a short time he passed a house witha small statue of the Virgin Mary in thefront garden. He crept in, stuffed thestatue under his coat, hurried home andhid it under the bed. Then he wrote thisletter. ‘Dear Jesus, If you want to seeyour mother again, you’d better send mea new bike.’

Danny had recently passed his drivingtest and decided to ask his clergymanfather if there was any chance of himgetting a car for Christmas, which wasyet some months away. ‘Okay.’ said hisfather ‘I tell you what I’ll do. If you canget your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and‘B’s, study your bible and get your haircut, I’ll consider the matter very seri-ously.’A couple of months later Danny went backto his father who said ‘I’m really im-pressed by your commitment to yourstudies. Your grades are excellent andthe work you have put into your biblestudies is very encouraging. However, Ihave to say I’m very disappointed that

you haven’t had your hair cut yet.Danny was a smart young man who wasnever lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. Inthe course of my bible studies I’ve no-ticed in the illustrations that Moses, Johnthe Baptist, Samson and even Jesus hadlong hair.’‘Yes. I’m aware of that...’ replied his fa-ther ‘... but did you also notice they

walked wherever they went?’

A man found himself in terrible financialdifficulties. He is so desperate that forthe first time in his life he gets down onhis knees and prays to God for help. ‘DearGod, I desperately need your help. I haveno money to spend on Christmaspresents for my family. Could you possi-

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bly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?’The lottery draw is held, but he wins noth-ing. He sends another prayer to God. ‘Mybusiness has gone bust and if I don’t getsome money soon I’ll lose my car andmy Christmas will be will be very diffi-cult. Please fix things so I win the lot-tery.’ Lottery night comes, but he’s un-lucky. So he prays to God again. ‘PleaseGod, I’ve lost my car and now they’retrying to take my house. Please help meto win the Lottery or our Christmas willbe ruined.’ Come lottery night, he againfails to win anything. ‘Undeterred, beprays to God again. ‘I am now a bank-rupt, my house has been repossessedby the finance company and so has mycar. We are now living on the street, butall I need to get my life back togetherand perhaps enjoy some kind of Christ-mas is to win the lottery.’ Suddenly

there’s a flash of brilliant life as the heav-ens open and the man is confronted bythe very voice of God himself. ‘Hey, dome a favour will you, buy a ticket.’

A man wandered into a doctor’s consult-ing rooms and asked if could see thedoctor. The receptionist was hesitant tolet him in, especially as it was Christ-mas Eve and she was waiting to turn offthe Christmas lights in the waiting roomand go home; but he was very insistent.So the Doctor, having had completed allhis consultations for the day and feelingin a ‘good will to men’ mood, agreed tosee him.The man entered in a rather aim-less manner and after some hesitationflopped into a chair and looked nervouslyaround the room.“How can I help you?” said the doctor.“Well, it’s like this” said the man. “I keep

thinking I’m a moth”.“A moth?”“Yes” the man replied. “I’m convinced thatI’m a moth”.“Well I’m very sorry, but you’re in thewrong place. What you need is a psy-chiatrist”.“That’s what I’ve been thinking” repliedthe man .“Well, as it happens, I know just the man”.said the doctor “I’ll give him a call andsee if he can fix an appointment for youafter the holiday.” The man agreed andthe doctor made the appointment.“Tell me” said the doctor “It must havebeen very apparent from the sign outsidethat I’m a general practitioner. So if youalready know you need to see a psychia-trist, why did you come in?”“Well” the man said in a resigned voice“The door was open and the lights wereon .....”.

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“Are you coming to the office Christmasparty tomorrow night?” the young manasked his colleague.“Well,” replied his friend, “I’d like to butI’m afraid I’ve got to stay home. My petwill become very anxious if I stay outlate.”“Pet?” replied the young man “I didn’tknow you’d got one. What is it?”“A centipede.”“A centipede? That’s unusual But that’sno problem. Why don’t you bring him withyou?”The colleague agreed and the young mansaid he would collect him from his home.On the following evening the young manknocked his colleagues door and foundhim pacing up and down the hallway inan impatient manner.“Ready for the Christmas party?”“No I’m not” he replied.“What’s the problem?”“I’ve been dressed for absolutely ages andPercy’s still not ready”.“Percy?”“Yes, my centipede. For goodness sakePercy, hurry up. We’ll be late for the partyat this rate.”Percy did not respond.After a few minutes the colleague calledagain, but this time he was extremely

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cross.“We’re fed up with waiting for you. If youdon’t come right away we’re going with-out you.”“Oh shut up!” an extremely irritated cen-tipede replied. “You know I always havetrouble getting my boots on!”

Here are ten useful phrases for respond-ing to Christmas presents you wouldrather not have received:1. Thanks a lot!2. My word! What a gift.3. Well, well, well ...4. If I hadn’t put on so much weight re-cently it would have fitted me perfectly.5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We’realways losing things around here.6. It’s great; but I’m worried about theenvy it may create.7. Just my luck to get this on the veryChristmas I promised to give all my giftsto charity.8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5’sWitness Protection programme.9. Frankly, I don’t deserve this.10. Really, you shouldn’t have.

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarketand a woman was anxiously picking overthe last few remaining turkeys in the hopeof finding a large one.In desperation shecalled over a shop assistant and said“Excuse me. Do these turkeys get anybigger?”“No” he replied, “They’re all dead”.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?Unique Up On It.2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?Tame Way.3. How Do Crazy People Go Through TheForest ?They Take The Psychopath4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit aConcrete Wall?Dam!5. What Do Eskimos Get From SittingOn The Ice too Long?Polaroids6. What Do You Call a Boomerang ThatDoesn’t work?A Stick7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’tYours?Nacho Cheese.8. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters InQuicksand?Quatro Cinco.10. What Do You Get From a PamperedCow?Spoiled Milk.11. What Do You Get When You Crossa Snowman With a Vampire?Frostbite.12. What Lies At The Bottom Of TheOcean And Twitches?A Nervous Wreck.13. What’s The Difference Between RoastBeef And Pea Soup?Anyone Can Roast Beef.14. Where Do You Find a Dog With NoLegs?Right Where You Left Him.15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?Because They Have Big Fingers.16. Why Don’t Blind People Like To SkyDive?Because It Scares The Dog.17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served OnThe Titanic?Sanka.18. What Is The Difference Between aHarley And a Hoover ?!The Location Of The Dirt Bag.19. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall

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Down?Because They Wore Their Belt BucklesOn Their Hats.20. What’s The Difference Between a BadGolfer And a Bad Skydiver?A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack. “Dang! “A Bad Skydiver Goes, “ Dang!” Whack.21. How Are a Texas Tornado And aTennessee Divorce The Same?Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWINGOLD1) Growing old is mandatory; growing upis optional..2) Forget the health food. I need all thepreservatives I can get.3) When you fall down, you wonder whatelse you can do while you’re down there.4) You’re getting old when you get thesame sensation from a rocking chair thatyou once got from a roller coaster..5) It’s frustrating when you know all theanswers but nobody bothers to ask youthe questions.6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s alousy beautician7) Wisdom comes with age, but some-times age comes alone.

TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE

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LEARNED:1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jellyto a tree.2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet,with a few nuts4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’snut that held its ground..5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s likejogging on the inside.6) Middle age is when you choose yourcereal for the fiber, not the toy.

We purchased an old home in NorthernNew York State from two elderly sisters.Winter was fast approaching and I wasconcerned about the house’s lack of in-sulation. “If they could live here all thoseyears, so can we!” my husband confi-dently declared.One November night the temperatureplunged to below zero, and we woke upto find interior walls covered with frost.My husband called the sisters to askhow they had kept the house warm. Af-ter a rather brief conversation, he hungup. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered,“they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

An old man and woman were married foryears even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screamsand yelling could be heard deep into thenight. A constant statement was heardby the neighbors who feared the man themost."When I die I will dig my way up and outof the grave to come back and haunt youfor the rest of your life!"They believed he practiced black magicand was responsible for missing cats anddogs, and strange sounds at all hours.He was feared and enjoyed the respectit garnished.He died abruptly under strange circum-stances and the funeral had a closedcasket. After the burial, the wife wentstraight to the local bar and began to partyas if there was no tomorrow. The gaietyof her actions were becoming extremewhile her neighbors approached in agroup to ask these questions: Are younot afraid? Concerned? Worried? that thisman who practiced black magic andstated when he died he would dig his wayup and out of the grave to come backand haunt you for the rest of your life?The wife put down her drink and said,"Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upsidedown."

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee- You answer the door before peopleknock.- Juan Valdez named his donkey afteryou.

- You ski uphill.- You grind your coffee beans in yourmouth.- You haven't blinked since the last lunareclipse.- You lick your coffeepot clean.- You're the employee of the month atthe local coffeehouse and you don't evenwork there.- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.- You chew on other people's fingernails.- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated cof-fee is the devil's blend."- You can type sixty words per minute ...with your feet.- You can jump-start your car withoutcables.- Cocaine is a downer.- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.- Your only source of nutrition comes from"Sweet & Low."- You don't sweat, you percolate.- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.- You've worn out the handle on yourfavorite mug.- You go to AA meetings just for the freecoffee.- People get dizzy just watching you.

Two cows are standing in a field. Onesays to the other: “Are you worried aboutMad Cow Disease?”The other one says: “No, it doesn’t worryme, I’m a horse!!”