it's coffee - it's a jazzy benefit for lupus revision
TRANSCRIPT
It’s Coffee - It’s a Jazzy Benefit for Lupus
By
Michael Levinson
Emi Schaufeld
Kevin Newman
Russell Katz
ACT I
INT. IT’S COFFEE
A homeless man is sleeping at one of the tables.
KEVIN bearded, in his 20s, one of the owners of It’s Coffee,
is standing behind the counter wearing an It’s Coffee
uniform. A CUSTOMER is in front of the counter talking with
him.
CUSTOMER
So, why is this place called It’s
Coffee?
KEVIN
Ma’am I don’t have to serve you if
I don’t want to, so don’t make this
weird for me.
CUSTOMER
I’m sorry?
Kevin lets out an audible sigh and then points to a sign
saying "I don’t have to serve you if I don’t want to".
GORDON (O.C.)
Who put this sign here?
MAIN TITLE
INT. GORDON’S APARTMENT - DAY
KEVIN and GORDON on his couch playing Super Street Fighter 2
Turbo on Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Gordon plays
as Ryu and is losing to Kevin as Dhalsim. The sounds of
Dhalsim saying "Yoga" repeatedly is all that is heard in the
background.
GORDON
So I’ve been watching a lot of
those child movies lately.
KEVIN
What?
GORDON
Like, you know, those baby ones,
the ones that teach you counting
and shit. I’ve been stumbling upon
a lot of those.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
KEVIN
Stumbling?
GORDON
Yeah like you know, finding them
everywhere: dumpsters... well
mostly dumpsters. And I’ve been
poppin’ them in my VCR and giving
them a whirl.
KEVIN
VCR?
Gordon throws his controller.
GORDON
God Dammit! This game is horseshit!
I hate playing Street Fighter with
you!
KEVIN
Why? Cuz you suck?
GORDON
No, because you always pick Dhalsim
and he has those woobly wangly arms
that go across the whole screen,
and I can’t do anything!
ON THE SCREEN, Dhalsim keeps punching Ryu from the other
side of the screen, then just as it’s getting good, the
screen abruptly cuts to black. Cut to Gordon who has turned
off the Super Nintendo Entertainment System.
KEVIN
Gordon, what the hell!
GORDON
This way, I don’t lose, but more
importantly, you don’t win.
ROCCO, 30s, white or maybe some kind of hispanic, or any
race really (but not black) wearing a button down shirt with
the name "ROCCO" emblazoned on its chest. He barges into
Gordon’s apartment. Gordon and Kevin turn to him, and Rocco
looks at them.
GORDON
Rocco, what are you doing here?
ROCCO
Gordon? What are you doin here?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
GORDON
I live here.
ROCCO
Oh shit, you share a crib with
Loosie. Yo man I love Loosie, but
he’s a crazy MoFo, didn’t invite
him to mah weddin, didn’t know what
crazy shit he’d do. Was at my
bachelor party though.
KEVIN
Charming anecdote Rocco, so what’re
you doin here?
ROCCO
I was just in the neighborhood, yah
know, feelin a lil’ stressed out,
thought I’d pick up a loosie, know
what I’m sayin’?
GORDON
I didn’t know you smoked, besides,
Loosie’s out now.
Gordon points to a post-it on the refrigerator saying "I’m
out, there’s lemon pie in the fridge - Loosie".
ROCCO suddenly has a cigarette in his mouth and is reading
the note.
ROCCO
No he’s not.
GORDON
But- oh, whatever.
KEVIN
What’s stressin you out dude?
Rocco turns to the dynamic duo.
ROCCO
A close friend of mine was recently
diagnosed with Lupus.
GORDON
Oh man, oh Rocco, I’m so sorry.
That’s, uh, man, that sucks. I
mean, I’d smoke all the cigarettes
if I were you.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
KEVIN
Yeah that’s rough man, maybe we
should do something for him.
ROCCO
He can’t really afford treatment or
nothin’. Wish there was something
we could all do for him, y’know?
GORDON
Just one second Rocco, I need to
speak to Kevin.
Gordon and Kevin walk to the other side of the room,
discuss, then return to Rocco.
GORDON
All right we’ll do it.
ROCCO
Aw yeah son! What’chy’all wanna do?
Kevin and Gordon look at each other and nod.
GORDON & KEVIN
Benefit.
ACT II
INT. IT’S COFFEE - DAY
The homeless guy is still sleeping at one of the tables.
GORDON is standing with a Harmonica on a Harmonica neck
holder, and playing it poorly. KEVIN is holding a clarinet.
ROCCO is sitting behind a drum set. Gordon finishes his
harmonica solo.
GORDON
Drum solo!
Rocco proceeds to bang on the drums incessantly. BECCA, an
attractive employee in her mid twenties walks in right as
his solo ends and sighs.
BECCA
What stupid shit are you guys doing
today?
GORDON
We’re starting a band to keep
Rocco’s friend from dying, and
you’re in it.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
BECCA
(Attempting to be funny)
What am I? Your leading lady?)
The rest of the guys just stare at her blankly.
KEVIN
What?
GORDON
Becca, apologize or you’re fired.
BECCA
Okay I’m fired.
GORDON
I accept your apology.
Gordon walks over to a sheet covering an object.
GORDON
Becca, you will be playing...
Rocco drum rolls.
GORDON
Fiddle.
Everyone except Becca performs a brief applause.
BECCA
Wait, what kind of band is this?
KEVIN
Jazz!
BECCA
What?
GORDON
Jazz Fiddle.
BECCA
That’s not even, I don’t... that’s
not even a thing. Can’t I just sing
or something?
GORDON
No, I’m the singer. Don’t you see
this neck thing?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
BECCA
That’s for a harmonica.
GORDON
Yeah, I’m lead harmonica too.
BECCA
You know people use that because
they need their hands to play
guitar, right?
Cuts to Gordon who suddenly has a guitar.
GORDON
Really?
BECCA
Do you even know how to play that?
GORDON
Becca, this isn’t about who can
play what, it’s about saving
lupus... and getting girls, right
Kevin? Kevin?
Cut to Kevin who is holding a framed picture of Benny
Goodman, looking into it longingly.
KEVIN
I’m finally here Benny. (Quietly,
as he runs his hand down Benny
Goodman’s face) I’m finally here...
INT. IT’S COFFEE - DAY
Ethereal dream sequence. KEVIN is with BENNY GOODMAN in It’s
Coffee alone playing clarinet with him, and they are both
fantastic. The scene fades to GORDON’s apartment.
INT. GORDON’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
KEVIN is playing clarinet poorly in GORDON’s room. We see
that Gordon is trying to sleep.
GORDON
Kevin, I think rehearsal is done.
Could you please go home?
Kevin stops playing, storms off. Excessively loud footsteps.
Door Slams.
Beat.
Door opens. More footsteps.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
KEVIN
I forgot my mouth piece guard.
Kevin once again exits. More incessant footsteps, then the
door slams again.
INT. IT’S COFFEE - NIGHT
BECCA is cleaning up. Starting off quietly, comical sobbing
can be heard, it grows louder and louder.
BECCA
Homeless guy?
The HOMELESS GUY is sleeping in his usual spot,
unresponsive.
BECCA
Is that coming from the back?
The sobbing continues, even louder now. Becca walks toward
the back. She enters the back room slowly. It is dimly lit.
The room is slowly revealed until we see ROCCO sobbing even
louder in the corner.
BECCA
Rocco? Are you okay?
ROCCO
Go away, I’m sobbin’, son.
BECCA
Rocco, what happened? You can tell
me, I’m your friend.
ROCCO
Its mah boy, son. He got the lupus
real bad. I ’preciate all the work
y’all are doin’ for the cause, but
I still hurt inside, you know?
BECCA
Rocco, I just want you to know, if
you need any help, I majored in
psychology at the esteemed Columbia
University.
ROCCO
What dat?
BECCA
It’s an institute of higher
education.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
ROCCO
Oh, tight.
BECCA
Be more impressed!
ROCCO
Oh, really tight.
BECCA
(sigh)
Alright. Regardless, If you would
like, we could just talk.
ROCCO
We be talkin’ right now doh.
BECCA
No it’ll be totally different.
You’ll be laying on a couch and
I’ll be holding a clipboard.
ROCCO
How’s dat different doh?
BECCA
What? Rocco, it’s immensely
different.
ROCCO
No it’s not.
BECCA
Alright. Lie down on the floor and
pretend I’m holding a clipboard.
ROCCO
Aight.
Rocco lies down, he breaks out into wild sobbing.
BECCA
Rocco, what happened?
ROCCO
Dis different! Dis different!
BECCA
Oh, good, now meet me here after
band practice tomorrow. Bring your
ardent feelings and repressed
memories.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
ROCCO
(Sniffling)
Aight.
Titlecard - DAWN OF
THE FIRST DAY
-72 Hours Remain-
INT. IT’S COFFEE - DAY
The gang is gathered in the Coffee Shop, the homeless man is
in attendance as well, but he’s still asleep at his usual
table.
KEVIN is playing Clarinet.
BECCA is drinking from a flask next to her fiddle.
ROCCO is sitting behind the drums eating a Double Quarter
Pounder with cheese with no pickles and onions, but they put
on pickles and onions anyway, so he is taking them off.
GORDON enters.
GORDON
Alright guys, I called this meeting
to... Kevin stop playing clarinet.
Becca what’s in the flask?
BECCA
Apple juice.
GORDON
Good. Guys as you know, my benefit
is, I’m sorry, our benefit is in 3
days. That gives us 72-
The ice cream truck song plays out of nowhere.
GORDON
I... I-Ice Cream?
Rocco holds an old, beat up flip phone.
ROCCO
Aw, sorry bout that son, thats my
new ringtone. My boy set it, he’s
tryin to be funny.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
GORDON
What year is that phone from?
ROCCO
Dunno. Dis dah iphone 7, ain’t even
out yet.
Big Booty Bitches starts playing. Rocco takes out another
beat up flip phone.
ROCCO
Sorry, this mah blackberry, this is
where I put all my honey’s numbas.
Every bitch in here’s got a fat
ass, know what I’m sayin?... Don’t
tell my wife ’bout this doh.
KEVIN
Don’t worry Rocco, the next time I
hang out with your wife I won’t
bring it up.
ROCCO
Thanks homes.
GORDON
Anyway, the meeting, we have 72
hour until the benefit. Kevin, I
need you to find a venue.
KEVIN
Kay.
GORDON
Becca, I need you to find a venue.
BECCA sighs.
BECCA
But -
GORDON
And not suck at jazz fiddle.
BECCA
But you suck at -
GORDON
Rocco, spread the word, we need as
many people as possible. Don’t
bring your lupus friend. I don’t
want him to touch the healthy
people.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
ROCCO
A’ight.
KEVIN
(To GORDON)
What are you gonna do?
GORDON
... Research.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
GORDON enters the Hospital and runs up to the desk out of
breath, he takes a second to catch it.
GORDON
Um, excuse ma’am. Where’s the lupus
section?
NURSE
What?
GORDON
Don’t worry, I’ll find it.
Gordon runs through the hospital.
INT. BLUE NOTE - DAY
KEVIN walks up to the maitre d’, with his clarinet in tow.
KEVIN
Listen, I have something of great
significance to tell you. I know
you guys aren’t doing anything
important two nights from now. I am
a composer, and the leader of a
small big band, and we have
arranged a benefit to be performed
here, after which we will have
raised enough funds to cure all
lupus. Consider yourself lucky that
I chose this location to grace you
and your patrons with my small big
band’s music. When tonight’s show
is over, our rehearsals shall
begin. You can stay and listen if
you want, I won’t mind.
EXT. BLUE NOTE - DAY
KEVIN is being forced out by a bouncer, followed by a second
bouncer forcing out his clarinet.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
INT. IT’S COFFEE - DAY
The Backroom. ROCCO laying on a couch, BECCA sitting in a
chair wearing glasses she doesn’t need, holding a clipboard.
A brief silence.
ROCCO
Am I ’sposed to cry yet?
BECCA
Shhhhhhh... Let’s start with the
basics first. Who raped you?
ROCCO
What you mean like last week?
BECCA
I mean, I meant as a child, but
whenever works.
ROCCO
Nah never been raped.
BECCA
But why... why did you even ask
when?
ROCCO
I wanted to know your parameters.
BECCA
Okay. moving on, what’s your
relationship with your wife like?
ROCCO
I love her, but she doesn’t
’preciate what I do for her and the
kids.
BECCA
Tell me about that Rocco.
ROCCO
Every morning, I take all four of
my kids to school, then I bust my
ass all day at work fixin shit cuz
y’all breakin’ it every day. Then I
go home and mah wife’s like "Why’d
you drop outa school, get a real
job!" And I’m like "bitch you don’t
do shit!"
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
BECCA
Interesting, yes I see... Is that
why you watch so many butt videos
on the work computer?
ROCCO
Nah, I watch them cause they ass is
fat.
BECCA
Okay I think we made a lot of
progress today. Lets continue this
next time.
Becca begins to leave.
ROCCO
Wait, where you goin’?
BECCA
Remember? I have to find a venue
for the chucklehead that runs this
place.
ROCCO
Oh yeah les go.
BECCA
Oh, your coming with me? And you’ve
already walked out the door.
We hear the truck start up.
BECCA
And you already started the truck.
Okay.
EXT. VENUE - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
ROCCO sitting in his truck.
INT. VENUE BACKROOM - DAY
SOME GUY sweaty.
SOME GUY
Yeah, you like that?
BECCA also sweaty, cream on her face.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
BECCA
Yeah, I do actually. I didn’t think
it’d be this sweet though.
SOME GUY
Did I put too much sugar in it?
It is revealed Becca is eating a creamy pastry.
BECCA
Maybe a little. Anyway, now that
I’ve tried your creamy pastry, are
we on for this Friday?
SOME GUY
Yes.
INT. TRUCK
Outside the Venue. We hear the door close, BECCA sitting in
the passenger seat, ROCCO sitting in the drivers seat.
ROCCO
You still got a little skeet on yo
face.
BECCA
That’s not - just drive.
Titlecard - DAWN OF
THE SECOND DAY
-48 Hours Remain-
INT. IT’S COFFEE - DAY
The homeless man is still asleep in his normal place. The
gang is all gathered plus one random guy wearing a hospital
gown sitting next to BECCA, GORDON has his back to everyone
holding a cup of coffee. He turns around dramatically, and
takes a dramatic sip.
GORDON
Alright boys, 48 hours left. How
are things coming along?
We see the gang again, but the random guy wearing the
hospital gown is gone.
ROCCO
Yeah we got a venue. Becca got
skeeted on doh.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
KEVIN
Becca! You got skeet on your face?
For work?
BECCA
But -
GORDON
Even I wouldn’t do that for work.
Rocco and Kevin point at Becca mocking her.
ROCCO & KEVIN
Skeetface! Skeeface!
Skeetface! (Etc.)
GORDON
Come on guys, calm down.
We all have gotten skeet on
our face from time to time,
but just not for work.
Becca sighs and takes a sip from her flask.
GORDON
A little early for Apple Juice,
isn’t it?
BECCA
Never.
ROCCO
Yo, Gordon there gonna 40s? All mah
boys are comin’ to this shit. I
told them there was gonna be 40s.
GORDON
Anything to save lupus. But first
let me tell you all a little
something...
Gordon begins to give a motivational speech while also
chastising Becca. It is heard only very softly in the
background as we see Kevin up close. He slowly turns and
makes eye contact with Random Guy, who is making a picture
using Macaroni and glue, he lifts it and it says "fill me
with your seed?". Kevin slowly turns back to Gordon in front
of the group.
GORDON
... and that’s why my poops are
nice and thick now... lentil soup.
KEVIN
Gordon... I’m deeply perturbed.
Gordon gestures for Kevin to be quiet.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
GORDON
I’m sure you all have noticed, we
have a very special friend with us
today. Everybody, this is Jimmy.
JIMMY is now sitting in his chair next to Becca again, and
Kevin, confused, looks back at the table and sees that the
macaroni and glue are gone now.
GORDON
Jimmy has told me that he has
lupus.
BECCA
(Incredulously)
He has lupus?
GORDON
Yes, Becca he has lupus. Tell her
all about it Jimmy.
JIMMY
Yeah, yeah... I got it allll.
BECCA
Gordon, can I talk to you,
privately?
GORDON
Okay, just this once.
Becca takes Gordon aside. Rocco looks over to Jimmy.
ROCCO
Damn son, dats rough. Mah boy’s got
lupus too, he don’t got all of it
like you do doh.
JIMMY
I need to scratch my eyeballs...
but I don’t have any hands...
ROCCO
Damn son, dats a bitch.
Becca is talking to Gordon with her flask in hand.
BECCA
There is no way that guy has lupus.
GORDON
Becca, that is so insensitive. This
poor man, has been through so many
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
GORDON (cont’d)hardships. He goes from hospital to
hospital, for what? Tell me! WHAT!?
BECCA
I... I don’t know.
GORDON
Exactly Becca, you don’t know!
Becca sighs, and takes a sip from her flask. Kevin gets up
and walks over to Gordon, shoves Becca aside.
KEVIN
Gordon, I really don’t like that
guy. He freaks me out. I don’t know
if I even want to save lupus
anymore, maybe they should all die.
GORDON
Kevin! Get yourself together! This
is why we’re here. This is why we
made the band, to help people like
him... and get girls.
Jimmy is suddenly next to Kevin and Gordon.
JIMMY
Excuse me, could you tell me where
the bathroom is?
GORDON
What?
JIMMY
Excuse me, could you tell me where
the bathroom is?
Beat.
GORDON
Leave. Get out. Get out of my
coffee shop right now!
Gordon starts pushing him out.
GORDON (CONT’D)
Out! GET OUT!
Gordon forces Jimmy out of the coffee shop.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
GORDON (CONT’D)
God, that was so annoying. Lupus or
not, I will not tolerate that kind
of behavior in my coffee shop.
BECCA
I don’t think that guy had lupus.
GORDON
But he told me he did!
BECCA
No, he said he had all the lupus;
because he’s crazy.
GORDON
But I found him at the lupus ward.
BECCA
You know, from all my years
studying psychology at the
prestigious Columbia University, I
never got the opportunity to visit
the lupus ward. Please Gordon, tell
me, what’s it like?
GORDON
Well it kinda smelled like soiled
undies, and some hospital people
were holding down a screaming guy.
Jimmy came over to me and asked me
if my mother was a nice person. And
the rest is history.
BECCA
Um, Gordon, can you tell me what
lupus is?
GORDON
Well I know that the scientific
name, that is: the genus name and
the species name for wolf is canis
lupus. Therefore I concluded people
afflicted by-
BECCA
Are you saying, werewolves?
GORDON
Well yeah, I was gonna say that,
but now you said it.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
BECCA
Gordon, I want you to repeat that
out loud to the rest of the band.
Gordon goes to Kevin and Rocco.
GORDON
Werewolves.
ROCCO
Who is werewolves?
GORDON
No, Rocco, people who have lupus
are... Aw shit.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
We see GORDON talking to someone off-screen.
GORDON
So that’s why you should come to
see our jazz band, you know, to
help save lupus. And if that’s not
enough, you get to see me, Bob
Dylan.
It is revealed that he is talking to KEVIN to try and
practice getting girls to come to the show. Kevin has a beer
in his hand, and it is clear he’s drunk.
KEVIN
You’re not Bob Dylan.
It cuts back to Gordon who now suddenly is wearing his
Harmonica neck holder.
GORDON
But-
KEVIN
Are you trying to get girls to come
to the benefit or come to your
pants. Because not either of those
things is gonna happen. (beat)
Biiiiiiiiitch.
GORDON
I bet I could get more girls than
you!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
KEVIN
Probably.
GORDON
You’re supposed to be mad.
KEVIN
Dude, don’t even worry about that,
’cause you gotta take a piss really
bad.
GORDON
I don’t.
KEVIN
Oh yeah. That’s me.
Kevin walks away, stumbling slightly. Gordon finishes his
beer.
A group of girls are talking, Gordon approaches in the
distance.
GORDON
Hello ladies. I’m in a band.
GIRL 1
No way!
GORDON
Yeah, and we’re performing a
benefit for my friend who is dying
of lupus tomorrow.
GIRL 1
He’s dying tomorrow.
Beat.
GORDON
Yes.
GIRL 1
Well, I’m not sure if we can make
it, right girls?
GIRLS 2 & 3 nod.
Beat.
GORDON
I’m Bob Dylan.
INT. IT’S COFFEE - NIGHT
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.
Backroom. ROCCO lying on a couch. BECCA sitting on a chair
wearing glasses she doesn’t need.
BECCA
Alright Rocco, I’m gonna just list
off some words -
ROCCO
Do I cry now?
BECCA
No hold on, as I was saying, I’m
just gonna list off some words, and
if you have any sort of emotional -
ROCCO
What about now?
BECCA
Not yet! Okay, so here’s a
list- you know what, I’m just
gonna say them: Butts
Rocco, bites his lower lip and nods.
BECCA CONT’D
Masogony
Rocco, bites his lower lip and nods.
BECCA CONT’D
Misanthropy?
ROCCO
Wha’ dat?
BECCA
Uh huh.
Becca writes something on her clipboard
ROCCO
That wasn’t a rhetorical question.
BECCA
... Uh huh.
Becca writes something on her clipboard
A bell rings, meaning a customer has entered It’s Coffee.
(Overlapping with dialogue).
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
BECCA
Kevin.
Rocco shrugs.
CUSTOMER
Is there anyone here?
BECCA CONT’D
Gordon.
Rocco shrugs.
BECCA CONT’D
Your wife.
Rocco shrugs.
BECCA CONT’D
Your kids?
ROCCO
Das mah favorite.
BECCA
Your kids are your favorite?
ROCCO
Yeh.
CUSTOMER
(Overlapping)
I need to be served... but
not in like the rap battle
kind of sense.
Beat. Becca is frustrated.
ROCCO
So, do I cry now?
Becca sighs.
BECCA
You know what Rocco? You know what
your god damn problem is? I think
you want to care, that’s admirable,
really that is, but you don’t, you
just don’t care. You have all these
"boys" you say you would take a
bullet for, but you wouldn’t, would
you? And you think "there must be
something wrong with me." You feel
guilty for not caring. And that
causes you consternation and
frustration, and you think, "am I a
sub-par human being? Someone better
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
BECCA (cont’d)than myself would be crying their
eyes out at knowing their dear
friend was dying of lupus." I think
you are stuck in a marriage of
circumstance. You had children out
of lust. And after having four kids
with your baby mama, you procreated
your way out of the realm of the
reckless abandon you yearn for in
your youth! Rocco, you are merely a
shadow of who you think you are.
Rocco has been tearing up and sniffling. Becca respects his
emotion.
ROCCO
GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SOOTHSAYIN
BITCH!
The Customer walks into the back room with coffee in his
hand as Rocco gets up and punches Becca in the face. Rocco
and Becca both look up at the Customer in shock.
CUSTOMER
Hey, nobody served me so I just
made myself coffee.
BECCA
What? How?
CUSTOMER
I just pressed the button and it
came out. I left a dollar on the
counter.
The Customer leaves.
Beat. Becca and Rocco look at each other.
BECCA
I’ll see you at the benefit
tomorrow.
ACT III
Titlecard - DAWN OF
THE FINAL DAY
-24 Hours Remain-
INT. VENUE - NIGHT
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.
The gang is back stage. KEVIN is fingering furiously in
front of his framed Benny Goodman picture, while BECCA, with
a black eye, is still struggling with her jazz fiddle.
GORDON is cleaning his harmonica, he is wearing his
Harmonica neck holder, and has a guitar with a guitar strap
around him. ROCCO has a 40 oz. next to him and is eating a
Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese with no pickles and
onions, but they forgot to take them off again. His eyes are
comically red and he’s sniffling.
ROCCO
(ROCCO is picking the Onions
and Pickles off his Double
Quarter Pounder with Cheese
into a napkin. It smells like
ketchup, but the audience
doesn’t know.)
Damn, dis is a different McDonalds,
and they still messed dis shit up.
KEVIN
Rocco, are you high?
ROCCO
No, I had a really cathartic moment
yesterday.
KEVIN
Oh, that’s really good for you
Rocco.
Kevin notices Becca’s black eye.
KEVIN
Becca, what happened? Did you make
the mistake of meeting up with one
of your exes again?
BECCA
No, Rocco just had a really
cathartic moment yesterday.
KEVIN
Oh, that’s really good for him.
GORDON
Guys! I got some girls to come, I
think... I hope.
BECCA
Do you guys think we’re ready,
’cause I don’t think we’re ready.
(Beat) Am I still playing jazz
fiddle?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.
Gordon, Kevin, and Rocco all look at each other and silently
nod, as Gordon hands Becca a jazz fiddle he mysteriously
procured.
BECCA
I don’t know how to play this.
GORDON
What? Haven’t you been practicing?
BECCA
I don’t own one of these.
GORDON
Oh. Then how are we supposed to be
good?
BECCA
Have you been practicing?
GORDON
I don’t need to. (gestures to the
harmonica holder) This thing holds
the harmonica for me.
BECCA
But have you practiced actually
playing?
GORDON
Oh, well this thing was just for
show.
BECCA
I mean have you practiced actually
playing the harmonica?
GORDON
Yeah, that’s gonna be a problem.
BECCA
Is Kevin the only one who has been
practicing?
KEVIN
Wait, seriously? Guys, what about
our small big band, or Rocco’s
friend, or saving lupus? (Sighs) I
was a fool to think I could be like
Benny Goodman. I might as well hang
myself with this clarinet neck
strap right now.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
GORDON
Wait, don’t do that yet! We still
gotta go out there. There are
people out there, and girls.
Probably at least one girl, and she
definitely wants to bonezone me.
Kevin has his clarinet strap already tied in a noose around
his neck.
KEVIN
But-
Gordon is holding Kevin’s framed Benny Goodman photo
GORDON
You know better than anyone, Benny
hates yellowbellies. What would he
do if he saw your yellow belly,
Kevin?
KEVIN
Kill me?
GORDON
That’s right. He’d stab you in the
neck with a pair of lefty scissors.
But I need you, and the band needs
you, so we can get money in that
jar, so we can save Rocco’s friend,
so we can save lupus, and most
importantly, so we can get my dick
wet.
ROCCO
I don’t know son, I ain’t tryin’ to
get nobody’s dick wet.
GORDON
(Actor can ad lib)
No Rocco, not you literally getting
wet on my dick. Uh, but, like you,
all, I mean the band, you know,
collectively, playing well with me,
and, well there’s that girl, um,
she’s in the audience, and when I
play like pretty good, and you guys
also are good. She’ll be, I mean
hopefully, there’s no guarantee,
uh, swoon’d, uhm, wait, uh, woon’d,
no that’s, oh, woo’d by my talents
and my natural sexual energy. So I
guess, you know, in an indirect
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
GORDON (cont’d)kinda way you guys are gonna
sprinkle some, uh, wet on my dick?
But don’t stay up all night
worrying about it.
INT. VENUE - NIGHT
The gang is all set up on stage, there is a jar placed on a
stool at the foot of the stage that has a piece of paper
taped to it saying, "How do you feel about Lupus?", it has
seven dollars and change. In the audience, all of Rocco’s
"Boys" have 40s and are wearing sweats. The three girls from
the bar are there as well. GORDON walks up to the
microphone.
GORDON
Hi everyone, I’m glad you’re all
here, and I hope you have all put
money in our jar, or are planning
to before the night is over. I am
Gordon, this is Kevin, Over there
on jazz fiddle is Becca, and Rocco
on drums.
ROCCO’S BOYS
Yeah boyee!
GORDON
Thank you, thank you. Um, together,
we are the Jazzberries.
KEVIN
What? No we’re not, that’s
retarded.
GORDON
Then you should’ve said something
earlier, when we all agreed on the
name.
KEVIN
That never happened.
GORDON
Yeah, it was just now.
ROCCO
LES’ DO IT! (Hitting his sticks
with each number) 1! 2! 3! 4!
The gang erupts in a cacophany of "music", not so pleasing
to the ear.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.
Gordon is attempting to sing over the raucous by scatting
what he thinks Ella Fitzgerald sounds like and occasionally
throwing in some harmonica (He still holds the harmonica
despite the fact he has a neck holder), but it isn’t coming
across well.
Rocco is keeping a good syncopated jazz beat, but no one is
playing with him.
Becca at first tries to play the jazz fiddle but gives up
rather quickly and walks off stage. The next time we see
her, she is having a good time with Rocco’s boys as she is
chugging a 40 oz.
Kevin is playing clarinet mildly well, but not in sync with
anyone else.
The entire gang is too involved to notice Jimmy walk into
the venue, still wearing only a hospital gown. He walks onto
the stage and picks up Becca’s fiddle. He begins to play
well enough to win his soul back from the devil. Everyone
stops and lets Jimmy enchant the audience.
GORDON
Jimmy, I had no idea-
Jimmy takes a shit on stage while he is still playing
fiddle.
GORDON
Alright, that’s it, get the fuck
out of here, get out!
Jimmy prances away like a mythical creature, taking the
fiddle and lupus jar with him.
GORDON
Well, it’s been a magical journey,
that all of you, including us, the
Jazzberries, have gone through.
Unfortunately, all good things must
come to an end. But just know, we
do Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, uh,
bachelorette parties, circumcision
parties, baptisms-
KEVIN
(Whispering)
- Gordon! Plug the Coffee Shop.
GORDON
Oh shit, yeah we have a Coffee
Shop. Go to It’s Coffee, open when,
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.
GORDON (cont’d)like Starbucks would be open, but
subtract 3 hours. Alright.
Gordon looks over to the girl from the bar that he was
eyeing and sees Rocco hitting on her.
KEVIN
Looks like Gordon’s gonna have to
get Gordon’s dick wet tonight.
TAG
INT. IT’S COFFEE - DAY
Backroom. BECCA is sitting in a chair wearing glasses she
doesn’t need. She still has a black eye.
BECCA
So lets start with the basics, who
raped you?... Your dad? Hrm...
interesting.
Becca writes it down in her clipboard
BECCA CONT’D
Alright next question... Why did -
beat
BECCA CONT’D
This isn’t gonna work.
We see Becca is talking to the HOMELESS GUY who is asleep in
the couch.
BECCA CONT’D
Guess I’ll just drag him back.
Becca takes the Homeless Guy by the feet and starts dragging
him out of the back room through the doorway.
End of episode.