It’s a Friday evening and the sun is falling below the horizon, casting warm

shadows over two almost identical—but very different—couples that are

out on dates.

The first couple, Nancy and Jim, are going out for a meal on the west side

of town while the second couple, Jen and Steve, are at a restaurant on the

east side of town.

Both are first dates over a meal. The guys on these two dates are basically

pretty similar, but the two women on these dates are very different.

Jen is exceptionally beautiful, and has relied on her good looks her entire

life to get the attention she wants from boys. Nancy however, is considered

an average-looking girl.

But when it comes to making conversation, Nancy is friendly, chatty, and an

excellent communicator AND listener. Jen is not.

Both dates start well enough, with some

standard small talk such as “how was

your day?” and “you look great.” But this

is where the similarities between the two

dates end.

Without looking at the menu, Nancy begins to tell Jim about the escapade

of getting ready for the date, how her dog had run off with and hid her

favorite pair of socks.

Nancy knew Jim had a dog (she saw this on his Facebook profile), and she

used this story to get him to share on the topic of his own dog. As it turns

out, they share a mutual love of animals.

Meanwhile, over on the east side, Jen was telling Steve about how her

“loser ex-boyfriend” had called earlier that day and had the nerve to ask if

she wanted to go for a drink. Jen goes on to complain about how he’s been

“pestering” her ever since she dumped him.

Steve listens helplessly as Jen’s rant continues...

Back to Nancy and Jim. They’ve agreed on several dog breeds that they

both love, although they have a funny disagreement on a few dog training

habits.

Then the waiter comes to take their

order. Since Jim chose the restaurant—

he mentioned that it’s one of his

favorites— Nancy asks him to order for

her. “I trust your judgment,” she says.

So, Steve orders for both of them. (This simple act gives his masculine ego a

bit of a rush.)

This takes them into a discussion about the different foods they’ve tried in

various countries they visited, and they go on to talk about the places they

both want to visit in the future. (Perhaps together?)

On the other side of town, Jan and Steve quietly browse their menus. Jan

proceeds to read a text she just received, and types out a long reply, while

Steve finishes choosing what he wants to eat.

With the food on the way, both couples try to learn some more about each

other’s hobbies and interests. Steve and Jim both ask their dates what they

usually do on the weekends.

Jan doesn’t have much to say on this: “I dunno. Sleep in, maybe do some

shopping, meet up with my girlfriends for drinks…my job is so horrible and

stressful that on the weekends I just want to shut off my brain and not even

THINK about having to go back to work on Monday…”

Jan doesn’t bother to ask Jim what HE enjoys doing on the weekends… so

the conversation grinds to a halt, and Jan goes back to checking her phone.

Nancy gives a more interesting and enthusiastic reply to the same question:

“I love to get outside and exercise. I usually go for walks and hikes, but I’m

looking for new things to try… what do you usually do on the weekends?”

Jim responds by talking about his favorite hobby, surfing. Nancy smiles and

leans in, saying that she would love to try surfing sometime. Jim offers to

teach her the next time they get together.

She asks him how long he’s been surfing, and this prompts Jim to talk

about his childhood growing up in Southern California. This brings back

fond memories that he obviously loves talking about...

Across town, Jan is still absorbed with her

phone—her “loser ex” just sent her a

message, and now she’s complaining

about him again.

At this point, Steve is getting frustrated

that she won’t stop looking at her phone,

and feels as though maybe it’s his fault for “not being interesting

enough.”

He tries to ask her some more questions about what music she likes and if

she ever played an instrument, hoping to talk about his love of playing the

piano, but she seems uninterested in the conversation and goes on to talk

about how some pop star just got a divorce...

Meanwhile, Jim and Nancy are now eating.

Nancy compliments Jim on selecting such a delicious dish for her. “You’ve

got great taste in food,” she says. “I bet you’re a pretty good cook.”

This gives Jim’s ego another little boost. As it turns out, he does enjoy

cooking. Nancy asks him about his favorite dishes to make, and Jim

explains how he once took a cooking course in Thailand, and knows how to

make a few tasty Thai dishes.

This prompts Jim to offer to cook for Nancy sometime. “I’d love that,” she

says, “but if you’re going to teach me how to surf, the next meal will be on

me. You can come over and I’ll make you my famous spaghetti and

meatballs.”

When the bill arrives, Nancy quickly offers to chip in for her half. Jim insists

on taking care of the bill, adding that she can “repay” him with a

homecooked meal soon.

They keep talking for a while. Nancy asks him to tell her more about the

business he started on his own, and although he downplays it and says his

business is still getting off the ground, she compliments him on taking

initiative and following his passion.

Jim later walks her home, gives her a nice long kiss goodnight, and then

makes his own way home with a smile on his face and a spring in his step.

They’ve already set their surfing date for the following Saturday.

On the other side of town, Jan is busy texting one of her friends when the

bill arrives. She doesn’t acknowledge it. With a sigh, Steve signs off on the

bill and walks out with a murmured “thanks, see you around” as he makes

his way past Jan.

He has no intention of seeing her again, despite Jan being the most

physically attractive girl he had ever been on a date with.

So why did these two dates play out and end so differently? Surely because

Jan was “smoking hot,” looks-wise, a man would be more interested in her,

right?

Wrong.

While looks obviously factor into a

man’s decision to continue seeing a

woman, how much he enjoys the

time he spends with that woman is

a

far more important factor.

No matter how attractive a woman is, if she is dull and self-centered, a guy

isn’t going to be interested, as he simply doesn’t enjoy the time he spent

with her.

Nancy, on the other hand, pulled off an extremely successful date, despite

being nowhere near as physically attractive as Jan—because she made Jim

feel good about the situation, and about himself.

Jim felt like everything he said mattered, that all of Nancy’s attention was

on him—that he was her evening.

She did this by providing open-ended questions and focusing her attention

on him and his interests, while satisfying his curiosities about her.

Nancy had captivated his attention, and had made him feel good about

himself. Therefore, he felt as though they had amazing “chemistry.”

Being able to successfully communicate with men helps women from all

walks of life.

Single women, who want to land a great boyfriend, will have a huge

advantage over the other women out there on the singles scene.

But this applies equally to girlfriends and wives who want to create stronger

chemistry and a deeper connection with their partners.

Everything Nancy did on her date are things that you can do with men to

make them feel happy and appreciative to be with you, whatever your

current relationship status might be.

Men want to feel useful and needed, and love it when their “masculine

egos” are stroked with praise that suggests they are strong, resourceful and

capable of being a good provider.

They want to be perceived as the ideal candidate to protect a woman and

their children, fulfilling their desire to be successful in family and business

life.

When men don’t get these reassurances from the women they care about,

they feel as if they are not being successful in providing for their needs.

They feel personally responsible for their own perceived failures “as a man.”

However simple it may seem to you,

finding ways during the conversation to

show him he is strong, intelligent, caring

and interesting will make him feel far

more connected with you.

This isn’t about paying “shallow compliments.” He sees these gestures as a

confirmation that he is fulfilling his duties as a man, which makes him feel

good about being in your presence.

You want to make yourself the focus of his attention and reassure your man

that he is valuable to you and satisfying you (unless he isn’t, and then a

later chapter in this book will be really helpful for you).

The main reason that Jen did so badly on her date was that she made Steve

feel as though he wasn’t worth anything to her—that he was expendable.

While some men do enjoy chasing unobtainable and uninterested women,

this is mainly about the “thrill of the chase.”

In many cases, once a man sleeps with this woman, his ego is satisfied and

he’s ready to move on to the next one—hopefully a woman who DOES

make him feel a genuine sense of chemistry and appreciation.

Nancy did so well because of the way she communicated and connected

with Jim. She gave him the impression that his opinions, life, and what he

can offer were of value to her.

Another way to understand how the male mind works is to imagine two

different couples. Both have been married for a number of years.

The first couple, Mary and Luke, have the kind of relationship that their

friends envy. One reason why is that Mary has a habit of praising Luke for

little things every day. She makes Luke feel appreciated for his manly

qualities.

It could be something as small as Luke hauling out his toolkit and fixing a

loose bookshelf. Or mowing the lawn on a hot summer day.

Or simply going to the gym, which shows that he cares about keeping

himself in shape not only for himself, but also for her.

Luke is addicted to being around Mary, because she is constantly making

him feel good about himself.

After fixing the bookshelf, she gives him a kiss and tells him, “I’m so lucky to

have such a handy guy for a husband.”

When he comes home from the gym and goes to the fridge to get a drink,

she gives him a hug from behind and squeezes his shoulders:

“I love how strong your muscles feel after you work out. It makes me

feel safe being around you.”

The key is to make the compliments specific

to what he has done, to really communicate

to him that what he did was really useful and

fulfills a need.

Simply saying “thank you,” or “It was nice that you did this and that”

doesn’t have the same effect on him.

These are signs of kindness and being thankful, but they don’t

communicate anything special. Affirmation needs to be specific.

The other couple, Elizabeth and Sam, have a good relationship and get on

well, but they don’t share a deep connection like Mary and Luke.

They have fallen into the monotony of marriage, where they no longer even

try to make each other feel needed and special. They simply live together

like a pair of roommates.

Sam often disappears for hours at a time to fiddle around in his workshop.

This happens whenever they are having “one of those days” where neither

of them can think of anything to say to the other.

He finds comfort in building things. He loves his little projects and gets that

sense of a job well done whenever he completes one.

He feels needed when he’s in the workshop. He has found a source of

“appreciation” for his efforts. He has found a new source because his wife

has neglected him.

Over time, hobbies like these can become obsessions and begin to drive a

couple apart. The man starts to feel more useful when enjoying his hobby

than when spending time with his wife.

Sam feels as though he isn’t

appreciated by his wife. He

subconsciously believes that he

isn’t living up to her standards.

He feels like he isn’t enough of a

man or provider for her.

As we talked about earlier, when a man doesn’t see a specific purpose for a

conversation, he won’t say anything. He will just let the conversation slowly

drift away. He doesn’t bother focusing his attention, because he can’t find

the energy to even try anymore.

When a man doesn’t feel appreciated for doing something, he’ll stop

bothering to do it.

If he doesn’t feel like his woman enjoys having sex with him, he’ll lose

interest in sleeping with her.

If he doesn’t get the emotional rewards that he needs from his partner

when he tries, he will simply stop trying.

One hard-and-fast rule about men is that they appreciate things more

when they have to earn them. On the other hand, when he gets something

for free, or with nearly no effort, he doesn’t attach much value to it.

(Think about it. What holds more value to you: a free perfume sample

handed to you as you walk around the mall, or an expensive bottle of

fabulous perfume that you PAY for?)

When a man feels he has earned something, he appreciates it far more.

Let’s look at a few examples.

When a man feels entitled to sex with his partner, he simply starts to take it

for granted. If he never had to work hard to earn it in the first place, then he

won’t place a lot of value on the activity.

He will see it as a right instead of a privilege. He won’t cherish the activity

nearly as much as something he had to work hard for.

When a man has put considerable time and effort into engaging in sexual

activity with a woman, he attaches a huge value on that privilege. He will

cherish it and fight to protect it.

He will treat this woman with far more

respect because he had to earn her

affections. He will place a greater value

on intimacy with her over other women,

because he actually worked to get there with her.

Many women don’t really understand men and sex these days. They think

of men as a bunch of “pigs” because they act entitled to sex, and act like

they deserve it.

They often expect it on the first date. They act like babies when they don’t

get it.

But they act like this because of past experience. They are so used to

getting sex without effort, that they are surprised when they meet a woman

who makes them earn the privilege.

Once a man becomes obsessed with you, whether this takes a few dates or

a few months, then you can start setting the stage for sexual intimacy.

No man will turn down sex early in a relationship, even though it might hurt

the relationship in the long run. Men simply lack that discipline.

Let’s look at an example. James is excited to get an invite into Sarah’s

bedroom, even though he has only known her for a day or two.

But in the back of his mind, he is wondering if she invites guys back this

quickly all the time.

While the sex is great, he doesn’t fully appreciate intimacy with her

because it came so quickly and easily. In the future, if she grows even

slightly cold in the bedroom, he will pull away completely.

Sarah is in a position where she can’t withdraw any level of intimacy,

because James takes it for granted. He will over react if she rebuffs him in

the bedroom, because to him, intimacy with Sarah is supposed to be “easy.”

He won’t fight for the relationship

when things get tough, even

though he really likes her. He feels

that he can just as easily cut her

loose and find another woman who

will go to bed with him quickly.

Now let’s look at a relationship where they do things slightly differently.

Liz is really excited to get to know Richard better, and while still being flirty

and making it clear that she is interested in a romantic relationship, she

doesn’t sleep with him right away.

The bond that grows between them strengthens and deepens, as Richard

gets to know Liz more intimately and sensually.

Eventually, when the both of them are comfortable enough with their

relationship, it naturally leads to sex.

Because they built a romantic relationship first, the relationship has a much

stronger foundation. Richard appreciates her far more.

The way men think might seem crazy, but

we need to understand this if you want to

have a real, lasting relationship with a

man.

Men see the world through the prism of

logic.

Everything is ordered based on the man’s system of values. He will look at

the relationship logically rather than emotionally.

That’s why we need to use certain magic words to unlock the part of their

mind that governs their emotions.

And this leads us to…