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for ANZAPA #255 - June 2010 and for display on eFanzines (www.efanzines.com)

Contents This Issue’s Cover .............................................................................................................................................. 3

LoC from Lloyd Penney ..................................................................................................................................... 7

LoCs from Dick Jenssen ..................................................................................................................................... 7

Clerihew corner .................................................................................................................................................. 8

MSFC All Clubs Minicon ................................................................................................................................... 9

Peter Sculthorpe in his element ........................................................................................................................ 11

NAFF 2010 ....................................................................................................................................................... 11

Fan fund laureates at Aussiecon 4 .................................................................................................................... 12

Guide to GUFF ................................................................................................................................................. 13

Conventions on the horizon .............................................................................................................................. 18

Stefan Zone ....................................................................................................................................................... 19

Casserole of Cockatoo ...................................................................................................................................... 23

War Against The Worm .................................................................................................................................... 23

Calendar reform – an Aussie perspective ......................................................................................................... 24

Black Saturday One Year On ........................................................................................................................... 24

Quo vadis, mate? .............................................................................................................................................. 25

Art, etc. credits… Cover: Graphic by Ditmar

Page 2 Photos of Bill Wright and Dick Jenssen Page 11 Peter Sculthorpe with Flinders Quartet Page 4 Plan of mirrored chamber by Ditmar Pages 12&13 Photos of DUFF and GUFF laureates Pages 5&6 Mirrored graphics by Ditmar Pages 14–17 Maps and travel posters Page 9 Illustration by John Bangsund Page 17 Prosine cover – Amazing Stories Photo by Helena Binns photo Page 18 Illustration by David Russell Vampire poster at MSFC Minicon 2010 Page 19–21 Illustrations by Rotsler and others Page 10 Photos by and of Helena Binns Page 23 Comics cover: Captain Marvel Advs Cover of MSFC Minicon 2010 conbook Page 24 Views from Black Friday fires Page 25 Worldcon poster & Rostler illo

“I wake up in the morning getting yelled at.

I’m not sure if it’s my wife or the radio.”

… said by David A Paterson (governor of New York State, a position with no power and

little prestige) who, mired in scandal and in the face of reluctance by his legislature to

reform discriminatory spending excesses in his bankrupt state, is attempting to balance

the books by instituting a one day a week furlough for public employees.

IRS salutes the tactic, but the precedent is deplorable.

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This Issue’s Cover Martian Mysteries Reveal Their Secrets Graphic and notes by Dick Jenssen

As reported in the cover notes to the last issue of IRS, with the construction of New Jekkara City the scientific exploration of Mars is proceeding at an advanced pace. But the sacrifices of the early pioneers, without whom Mars could not have been initially colonised, must also be given credit. The hardships which were faced, and eventually overcome, engendered immense suffering. The extreme cold, large diurnal temperature fluctuations, an exceedingly thin and oxygen-poor atmosphere, and the physical exertions which were necessary for the first habitation to be built, all contributed to a death-rate worse than the ravages of any plague on Earth. Even with metabolic and prosthetic support, life was Hobbsian – nasty, brutish and short, even though neither solitary nor poor. Well, those who survived were not poor. A most moving and thoroughly researched account of the conditions faced by the pioneer labourers, based on the experiences of one Manue Nanti (reference 1) appeared in The Nexialist Journal of Mars, and subsequently won the Elliott Grosvenor Award for Historical Reportage.

The prostheses – essentially breathing tubes and valves attached to, and deeply penetrating, the body – and the metabolic drugs, rapidly induced in most workers a disoriented mind-set, and hallucinatory fugues were common. (Even more extreme psychotic episodes were not infrequent). It was thought that these traumata were responsible for the myths which arose regarding a congeries of exotic creatures, especially since such beings shared many features with Earth legends. One such was the idea that Medusa-like women could be found on Mars (reference 2). These fantastic entities were discounted, of course.

However, further exploration and research by members of the Aries Expedition (reported in the last issue of IRS) now strongly suggest that most, if not all Martian life has features both floral and faunal (reference 3).

The discovery of more and more exotic life – some of it quite intelligent – is puzzling, not only for its abundance, but because these various life-forms seem to share a minimum of characteristics, and thus pose severe problems for evolutionary theories of Martian life. One recent group of beings – a small enclave sequestered, as is most Martian life, in a confined area – is the race (though ’race’ seems an excessive term for such a tiny number of individuals) who call themselves Lybblas. Physically, they are small, furry and possessed of paws, not hands, with no opposing thumb or digits. Yet, scientifically, they appear further advanced in some areas than the Earth researchers. This seeming disparity is explained in a recent biography (reference 4).

The continuing decipherment and translation of Martian books and journals, under the guidance of Dr. Martha Dane (detailed in the last issue of IRS), strongly suggests that Martian science was able to transform, mutate or metamorphose life – an hypothesis given strong credence by the Lybblas.

One member of the Brackett Expedition (funded by The Martian Geographic) was taken by the Lybbla to a small, triagonal underground chamber, and the door closed. The investigator saw that all three walls, the floor and the ceiling were mirrored – the purpose of the room was obscure, but within less than three minutes pain in his left hand forced him to quite the confines somewhat hurriedly. He was, naturally enough, in an environmental suit in order to protect himself from the inimical Martian surrounds, a precaution which in the circumstances may have saved his appearance, if not his life. For when he returned to base, and his left glove was stripped away, it was revealed that the pain was due to the rapid growth of an extra thumb. In fact this growth continued, and two extra digits on the left foot also subsequently appeared.

Further investigations showed that any life – floral or faunal – would rapidly undergo transformation when placed in the chamber. Just how this is effected, and what are the controlling parameters of the room, is still quite unknown. The hope is that Dr. Dane’s group will discover the ‘secrets’ of the mirrored compartment in the Martian library. In the meantime, though, it now appears that the plethora of life may be due to the use of this cameral metamorphosis. As well, the many ‘legends’ could now very well have some factual truth.

References

1. Walter M. Miller Jr. Crucifixus Etiam

2. C. L. Moore Shambleau

3. Stanley G. Weinbaum Valley of Dreams

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4. Henry Kuttner The World is Mine. This is a chapter in the biography of one of Earth’s most

famous, and fabulous scientists – Galloway Gallegher. The book is entitled, more than a trifle ingenuously, Robots Have No Tails.

Technical details

The cover graphic was generated entirely in E-on’s Vue 8 Complete. The editor of IRS has asked for further elucidation, which will be found below. Final tweaks, the placing of logos and other text was accomplished using Adobe’s PhotoShop CS5.

The Story behind the cover.

Most Friday evenings a small group of fans, family and friends meets for dinner at Ciao Restaurant. Elaine Cochrane is of the gathering, and in mid-April sent me the following email:

At Ciao last night, Vida (Yvonne Rousseau's mathematician daughter) said she'd been trying to

puzzle out a reflection problem.

If you stood at the centre of a (regular) pentagonal room with mirrored walls, how would your

reflection(s) appear?

She says she's been in an equilateral triangle room and the effect is of being in a kaleidoscope.

Is this the sort of thing that Vue's ray-tracing ability could model?

Well, I tend to respond to a challenge (but generally only if I think that I can respond successfully), and it seemed that Vue’s capabilities were certainly adequate. I decided to take the easiest route first – and to create a triagonal room. Vue allows very precise location and orientation of the objects within its 3D world, so inserting a flat plane into its world, rotating it to the vertical, then copying it twice, and joining these three into a triagonal ‘tube’ (the joins at exactly 600) was relatively easy. Adding floor and ceiling was also a matter of a moment (or two), and then making all these surface mirrors was a snap. The camera was then placed inside the chamber, and a point light (in effect a naked bulb) added below the centre of the ceiling. Also inserted into the chamber was a human – in the ‘environmental protection suit’ of the cover notes above. To make sure that the human could be easily seen, a spotlight was popped into the chamber, and pointed at him. Finally, for a bit of mystery, the chamber was lightly filled with mist.

The illustration on the right should make things clearer. The Vue working environment splits the computer screen into four areas – three views from the top, the front, and the side of the ‘world’ which show the various placements of the objects in the world, and a fourth image of what the camera ‘sees’. The camera image is relatively low resolution, but can be made much finer with a click of the mouse and maybe a minute of computation. The accompanying illustration is the top view, in which the ceiling has been removed. As you can see, it’s all very simple.

I sent the image to Bill Wright who insisted that it be the next, that is this current, cover of IRS.

But Vida was interested a pentagonal room, so that was the next project. She had some wonderful suggestions to make, the main one being that she felt that the geometry of the room and the reflections would be much clearer if the joins between the walls, floor and ceiling were obvious. She also was interested in other chambers – pentagonal, square, pyramidal, square pyramidal... And Vida preferred an alien inside these rooms – an idea which I fully agreed with! So here are a few of the images created.

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Tetrahedral chamber. Camera against a wall, pointing at the opposite vertex

Tetrahedral chamber. Camera against a vertex, pointing at the opposite wall.

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Ditmar

Pentagonal chamber. Camera at a vertex, pointing directly at the opposite wall

Square-base pyramid. Camera at a wall. Pointing at the opposite vertex.

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LoC from Lloyd Penney 1706-24 Eva Rd., Etobicoke, Ontario, CANADA M9C 2B2

May 1, 2010

Dear Bill:

With the usual stellar Ditmar cover on the first page, it is time to have a look beneath it for the rest of the April Interstellar Ramjet Scoop. Why is it that as we progress towards the future at the slow rate of one second per second, it seems to be getting further and further away?

Instead of looking directly at the future, we should look at it indirectly, like in a rear-view mirror. After all, this is when things seen in the mirror are closer than they appear. Ditmar's description of his cover art include some names from the distant SFnal past, like Arthur Leo Zagat. And, bless his heart for knowing about Wayne and Schuster, and "Rinse the Blood off my Toga..." I told him, Julie, don't go! But would he listen to his own wife? Like talking to a wall! I told him, Julie, don't go!" Dennis, look them all up on YouTube, and all the Wayne and Schuster shtick you remember will be presented to you, in full.

Bill, you say that Ethel goes only to club members? I've been getting it steadily since Ian Gunn was the editor, I think around issue 29 or so. I think I purchased a year's membership many eons ago, but I have a better Ethel collection than most members. I am very glad they continue to send it to me, and I am happy to save the club some money now that I receive it as a .pdf. The club has spent so much money on my getting paper copies over the past decades, and they could probably use the cash now.

I wish I could join you at A4, Bill...in addition to the Aurora nomination I received a couple of months ago now, at Easter time, I could finally reveal that I am now a Hugo nominee, too. Hard to believe that I'm up against Fred Pohl, hm? There aren't many silvery rockets in Canada, so I have some hope.

In order to squeeze as much cash out of his adoring fans, Harry Potter's final movie will be divided into two, so we'll get eight movies out of seven books. Joanne Rowling's got the cash cow giving out; the travelling Harry Potter exhibition is in Toronto right now, and the merchandise and money literally fly through the air. Off it goes, Bill...take care, and see you with the next issue.

Yours, Lloyd Penney.

--

LoCs from Dick Jenssen 5 Feb 2009

You have the facility of following multiple tracks of thought simultaneously. Although Robert Frost said:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference",

You, Bill, take all possible paths at once - just like Richard Feynman's explanation of how a photon (for example) may be theoretically tracked by integrating over all possible paths. -- 11 Apr 2010

Reading IRS once is not enough. It has to be reread, then rereread, then rerereread, then... It's compulsive. Hence this brief LoC…

I must apologise for an error in IRS April 2010. This is a mea culpa and cannot be attributable to you, esteemed editor. The photo of me on page 8 was taken by Helena Binns and not, as stated in the text, by Thomas Bull. I think Helena should be given credit for capturing the disgusting way in which I smirk. As well, all other photos on pages 7 and 8 were taken by Ditmar.

On page 11 when you discuss Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes, IRS readers might like to know that they can find more - in a very readable form - on manifolds and Riemannian surfaces in the book The Poincaré Conjecture by Donal O'Shea. This discusses one of the most famous, and important, mathematical problems of the last century. It has now been solved, and the book is an easily understandable exposition.

Dick Jenssen

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Clerihew corner

My apologies for the subject matter!

Virginia Woolf and Ernest Hemingway Both went and kicked off in the lemming way – He with a weapon that loads and locks She with her pockets full of rocks.

The myth of lemmings periodically committing mass suicide owes its popularity to the Disney company. Wikipedia says…

The myth of lemming “mass suicide” is long-standing and has been popularized by a number of factors.

In 1955, Disney Studio illustrator Carl Barks drew an Uncle Scrooge adventure comic with the title

“The Lemming with the Locket”. This comic, which was inspired by a 1954 American Mercury article,

showed massive numbers of lemmings jumping over Norwegian cliffs. Even more influential was the

1958 Disney film White Wilderness, which won an Academy Award for Documentary Feature, in which

staged footage was shown with lemmings jumping into sure death after faked scenes of mass

migration. A Canadian Broadcasting Corporation documentary, Cruel Camera, found that the

lemmings used for White Wilderness were flown from Hudson Bay to Calgary, Alberta, Canada, where

they did not jump off the cliff, but in fact were launched off the cliff using a turntable.

Not so much the propensity of writers to follow this example...

Ernest Hemingway committed suicide by shotgun in 1961 after a period of mental instability that has been attributed variously to heavy drinking, continuing pain from his many accidents, or a genetic tendency towards haemochromatosis.

The phrase “lock and load” (reversed above for poetical purposes) is American military slang meaning “to put a weapon’s safety catch on, and load it with ammunition”. (I presume that shotguns have safety catches?)

My friend Michael West relates his experience of lock and load…

When I was in US Army basic training (1967),”lock and load” actually meant "prepare to fire"; that is,

pump a round into the breach of the M14 and wait for the next command. No safety catch involved. Once

the round is in the breach, the future is more or less determined. No use for the safety catch, at any rate.

If, for some silly reason, you don't end up discharging the round, you'll have to dig it out of the breach with

your fingers or find a sand barrel to fire it into.

I've always thought the echo of "rock and roll" was it some way apposite here, but can't prove it.

The M14 was superior in long range accuracy but not as manoeuvrable in close combat as the M16. With

the latter, you could do Rambo-style shoot-from-the-hip stuff, but it felt like a plastic toy from Mattell.

It’s into the "chamber" not into the "breech" and certainly not into the "breach" once more dear friends.

Adeline Virginia Woolf, novelist, essayist and publisher, had a long-standing battle with depression and mental illness. That, exacerbated by the general misery occasioned by the outbreak of the Second World War, prompted her to fill the pockets of her overcoat with rocks and walk into the river Ouse in 1941.

Virginia and Leonard Woolf appear as minor characters in David Roberts' recent mystery novel Sweet Sorrow, which is about the axe murder of a poet.

Dennis Callegari

A clerihew from Ditmar...

It is said that there is no rhyme for month, but the OED lists the word Grunth (var: Granth) with the information for Granth as: Also Grantha, †Grooht, Grunth.

[Hindi granth book, code, a. Skr. grantha tying, knot, literary composition, book, text, f. granth, grath to tie.]

Thus the following - with apologies for concatenating religious ideas.

The Sufi masters, once a month, Would read aloud from the book of Grunth In order to avoid skirmishes With whirling dervishes.

Ditmar

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MSFC All Clubs Minicon Saturday, 22nd May 2010

At the Melbourne Science Fiction Club’s All Clubs Minicon on Saturday 22nd May 2010, I picked up from Julian Warner an original Gestetnered copy of John Bangsund’s legendary fanzine Scythrop #23 (June 1971) for the princely sum of twenty cents. Here, from its letercol, is a convincing Keats and Chapman anecdote in the style of Miles na Gopaleen (alias Flann O’Brien, whose real name was Brian O'Nuallain ) by one Archie Mercer of Cornwall, England, in a letter of comment to Miles’s greatest fan, John Bangsund.

It was the occasion of Chapman's birthday, and his friend Keats, knowing of this, presented him with a small memento. "If I may say so without sounding too self-conscious," said the poet as he presented it, "I have very much enjoyed the times we have spent together." "I, too," admitted Chapman, wiping a small tear from his eye. "Possibly we might seek to thank the person who first saw fit to introduce us one to another?"

Keats agreed, and so the two friends arranged an appointment with Mrs Medling, the celebrated medium, to whom they explained their wish. Mrs Medling gazed above their heads. "The person who brought you together," she murmured. "That should not be difficult." And she requested Chapman to lower the room's illumination. In the near-darkness she began talking, in an outlandish-sounding tongue.

Presently she was answered, in a male voice. Keats and Chapman, tensed up with frank nervousness, now became noticeably excited. "Are you," said Chapman, "that is, is that Myles na Gopaleen?"

“I know not the name, " replied the voice in English but with a heavy accent. "I am he for whom you sent. Men call me Homer."

"Oh," said Chapman, crestfallen. However, Keats leant over and whispered in his friend's ear: "Let us talk to him anyway. After all, a myth is as good as a Myles...”

But that, alas, is the stuff of fandom from another age. For the here and now there is this conreport…

Though called Vampirefest, Melbourne Science Fiction Club’s 2010 mini-con wasn’t all about the Undead.

The Dr Who club opened proceedings with a talk on vampires depicted in the TV series. For them there was a Tardis and a Dalek; for Star Wars fans a light-sabre; and, for those who like their space opera laced with a dash of military malarkey, a costumed storm trooper.

There were booksellers, fan groups and all sorts of special interest groups; and the formal sessions weren’t too regimented, allowing people to move freely among the exhibits and the kitchen which did a roaring trade in coffee, hot food, chocolate biscuits and other nibblies.

Co-guest of honour Kirstyn McDermott gave a talk about the evolving nature of the vampire that was well received. Younger readers in the audience were obviously ‘with it’ - as Kirstyn said, “showing discernment in their appreciation of vampire literature.” She sees hope for the monster yet!

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Unfortunately, her message didn’t win the day in the ensuing debate with the other guest of honour Jason Nahrung, in which her team failed in its efforts to overturn the premise that ‘vampires should just lay down and die’.

Pictured at left, appreciating the finer points of debate and clutching his caffeine fix, is the editor. The handsome bloke next to him is Mervyn Binns, co-founder of the Melbourne Science Fiction Club. Mervyn, who was a bookseller at McGills newsagency, ran the club form the loft of the firm’s warehouse in Somerset Lane. That lasted from the 1950s until 1974 when the club meetings moved to Space Age Books in Swanston Street.

The club under Merv’s benevolent guidance was mainspring for all kinds of fan activity, the highlight

being Melbourne’s first Worldcon, Aussiecon, in 1975. Space Age Books went out of business in 1985 and the club moved to its present location at St David’s Church in West Brunswick (see details at the end of this report).

I eschewed the trivia contest, not being .. how shall I put it? .. sufficiently au fait with the questions although I had no quarrel with the answers. It was a well run quiz and all credit to the

MSFC for putting it on. Offerings at auction tempted me not at all, but I did appreciate Kirstyn’s public reading from her soon-to-be-published novel Madigan Mine which is, apparently, not a vampire story but a Gothic one with the requisite quantum of gore and maybe ghosts. Look for its release in Aug 2010.

Helena Binns featured in the splendid vampire costume pictured at left.

--

The main responsibility for Vampirefest – MSFC Minicon 2010 lies with Murray and Natalie MacLachlan who, as for MSFC Minicons in previous years, can justly claim most of the credit for a job well done.

You can pick up on who else was involved from the MSFC website (http://www.msfc.sf.org.au/), which is always worth a visit – and, if you’re in Melbourne, so is the club for that matter.

MSFC meets at 8:00 PM every Friday (except Good Friday and Christmas to mid-January)

at St. David's Uniting Church Hall, 74 Melville Road, West Brunswick.

Tram route 55, stop number 36. Melways ref 29 C5

Bill Wright

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Peter Sculthorpe in his element

Australia’s most renowned composer, Peter Sculthorpe (1929 - ) has been concerned about the impact of global change for some time and in a new work, his 18th quartet, he uses Australia as a metaphor for the whole planet. It was played by the Flinders Quarter in the world premiere of the work on Saturday 12th June 2010 at the Monsalvat Barn Gallery in the Melbourne suburb of Eltham.

Peter Sculthorpe with the Flinders Quartet

On Sunday 30th May, at the Iwaki Auditorium I was privileged to hear one of Peter Sculthorpe's earlier works performed by the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra Chamber Players. It was the second item on the programme, squeezed between Alexander Borodin’s Piano Quintet in C Minor and Antonin Dvorak’s famous Piano

Quintet in A Minor, Opus 81. Sculthorpe’s piece was his Landscape II for Piano, Violin, Viola and Cello.

Originally titled Desert Places, the work contains fragments of highly rhythmic melodies based on indigenous Australian chant. For those of us in the balcony who could see, there were some extraordinary things done on and inside the piano to engender special effects that were crisply evocative of themes in the melody.

NAFF 2010

The National Australian Fan Fund (NAFF) was created to assist fans to travel across Australia to attend the National Convention (Natcon). NAFF assists fans to travel to the Natcon and, where possible, covers the cost of air fares and accommodation. In 2010, the fund will bring an inter-state fan to Aussiecon 4, the 68th World Science Fiction Convention at Melbourne’s South Wharf Convention Centre on 2-6 September 2010. It is expected the winner will produce a report of their trip, engage in fund raising to support future NAFF races and to help administer NAFF races for the following two years.

All Australians were eligible to vote. The voting process contributes to fund raising, so each vote had to be accompanied by a donation of at least $5. Of course, fans were welcome to contribute more than that amount. Voting closed on 14th June 2010, after the publication of this IRSish, so the editor can’t name the winner.

The nominees are:

Gina Goddard (WA) who is baby-elvis on livejournal

Gina has been active in fandom since 1982. Her achievements include: President and life member of UniSFA; Swancon committee member; Swancon fan guest of honour; WASFF board member; Marge Hughes (Mumfan) award and Tin Duck award winner; and Gynaezine co-editor. She’s been to 28 Swancons, performed as a ‘Ratette’ at Aussiecon 2 in 1985 and volunteered at Aussiecon 3 in 1999.

Her nominators are: Sarah Parker (WA), Jenny Blackford (NSW) and Justin Ackroyd (Vic).

Colin Sharpe (WA)

Colin first came to fandom through Western Australia’s Doctor Who fan club ‘The West Lodge’ and has since been involved in numerous fanish activities ranging from convention committees, editing club newsletters and publishing the manga anthology series Xuan Xuan. He’s an artist winning several Tin Duck awards, an amateur photographer, sports enthusiast, rock climber and hockey player. And he’s soon to be a father.

His nominators are: David Gunn (WA), Kate Sharpe (WA) and Danny Oz (ACT).

We’ll let you know who the winner in the August 2010 issue of IRS.

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Fan fund laureates at Aussiecon 4

DUFF – the Down Under Fan Fund

sending a representative of North American fandom to Australia’s Worldcon in 2010

The DUFF laureate in 2010 is John Hertz of Los Angeles CA, USA,

who will attend Aussiecon 4 (68th Worldcon in Melbourne on Sept 2-6, 2010).

“When photography was first developed — perhaps I shouldn't make such jokes — people couldn't understand what it was.” John Hertz in the Armadillocon 2005 Program Book.

I am tempted to say that, as a fan writer, John Hertz has no peer. That may indeed be true today but there are luminaries from the past – Walt Willis in the 1950s and John Bangsund in the 1960s and 70s, for example – who bear comparison with him in the broader sweep of fan history. You won’t find much of John’s writing in eFanzines but look for him in paper fanzines and other fanish publications that eschew the Internet. Visit http://johnhertz.sciencefictionleague.org/ for links to selected examples from fifteen years of fan writing.

John is looking forward to meeting people he knows from fanzines and wonders if the local wines and beers are better than what’s shipped to the U.S. The editor might introduce him to Moss Wood Cabernet Sauvignon 2007 that connoisseurs say is too young for quaffing. I say it rivals the vintage of 1975 fondly remembered as Moss Wood’s best and is a more than worthy companion for cultivated carouse in clerihew at Aussiecon 4; or in the spirit of an earthier age, chanting from the Carmina Burana with extemporaneous interpretations…

Latin verse Literal translation The editor’s free translation

Bibit hera, bibit herus,

bibit, miles, bibit clerus,

bibit ille, bibit ia,

bibit servus cum ancilla.

The mistress drinks, the master drinks,

the soldier drinks, the priest drinks,

the man drinks, the woman drinks,

the servant drinks with the maid,

When the household heads imbibe

Captain, chaplain do beside

One and all, for all to see

Servants, too, legless be.

The other candidates were Jeffrey Boman (Montreal, PQ Canada), Terry Fong (Montreal, PQ Canada) & Jannie Shea (Tulsa, OK USA), Melanie Herz (Palm Bay, FL USA) and John Purcell (College Station, TX USA).

--

GUFF – the Going Under Fan Fund

sending a representative of European fandom to Australia’s Worldcon in 2010

The GUFF laureate in 2010 is James Shields of Dublin, capital

of the Irish Republic, who will attend Aussiecon 4 on September 2-6, 2010.

James is a fanzine writer and publisher (visit http://efanzines.com/BrickFix/ where, in issue #2, he has already begun a trip report with a six-part explanation of fan funds and how they came to be, with particular relevance to GUFF). He’s also a conventions website buff.

The Lego ship is swooshed with one hand, but not with fighters on board.

Anything from the British and Irish fan scene to interesting perspectives on some of the sights of London is grist for his mill. Judging from his fan writing he’s likely to be a fount of knowledge on anything you care to raise with him. Just don’t get him started on Meccano or Lego if you’re short of time.

His opponent was English connoisseur of food, science, computers and bad puns, Douglas Spencer.

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Guide to GUFF by 2010 GUFF laureate James Shields

Going Under

←←←

Getting Out

from Under

→→→

Part 1: So what is a fan fund anyway? Recently I got chatting with a friend whom I meet at conventions because he comes with his wife, but he doesn’t consider himself a science fiction fan. I mentioned GUFF, and tried to explain what it is. I could tell by the look on his face that I wasn’t doing a good job. So I hope I can do a better one here.

Let’s start with a little history. It all started back in the 1950s when some UK fans decided it would be nice to send their mate Walt Willis to a Worldcon in Chicago. Back in 1952, transatlantic travel for something as frivolous as a holiday was something for only the very wealthy, so Walt must have been pretty well respected by the fanish community. But to show that respect was well placed, Walt felt he shouldn’t just turn up and party (though I’m sure he did plenty of partying while he was there).

Instead, he went out of way to do as much to help with the convention as he could. And when he came back, he filled several fanzines with his report from the convention. Remember, this was long before the internet, so fanzines were the only way people got to hear about far away conventions. It was also before desktop publishing and cheap photocopying, so fanzine production was a slow, mechanical process involving typewriters and Letraset, and nasty chemical processes to produce stencils, and turning the handle on the Gestetner machine yourself. There wasn’t just ink on the pages, there was blood (hopefully just metaphorical blood, not actual blood, though paper cuts can be a killer).

Take a look at some of those old fanzines. On one level they look rubbish compared to the professional look you can run off in a couple of hours with a modern DTP package, but when you look deeper and realise the effort that went into them they really are amazing.

But I digress. The Americans really enjoyed having Walt, so it was decided to make it a regular event. But who to send? They decided to have an election. Fans could put themselves forward, and by making a donation to their travel fund, their peers could vote for their preferred candidate.

A couple more Europeans went to America before it settled into a pattern of alternating directions on alternate years that it follows to this day, with Robert Madle the first American to make a fan fund trip to Europe in 1957.

The fan fund was born, and pretty soon it became known as the Trans-Atlantic F an Fund, or TAFF. It was also widened from UK/America to Europe/America, and other countries to have been represented over the years include Ireland, Sweden and Jersey (which is not actually part of the UK).

The Down Under Fan Fund, or DUFF, alternately sending fans between the US and Australia was the next major fan fund, and this was followed by GUFF, which stands for either Going Under Fan Fund or Get Up-and-over Fan Fund, sending fans between Europe and Australia.

There are other smaller funds, such as CUFF, the Canadian Fan Fund, which sends fans from one side of that great country to the other. There have also been one-off funds, such as JET, which sent a UK fan to the Japanese Worldcon in 2007.

So that, in a nutshell, is what fan funds are. In my next instalment I will tackle the thorny question my good friend retorted with.

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Part 2: So it’s a free holiday?

In part 1 I talked a bit about what GUFF is and where it came from, today I move on to the obvious response, “So you’d like me to vote for you so you can go on a free holiday?”

In one sense that is entirely accurate. But it doesn’t tell the whole store, for a GUFF trip is not all beaches and lounging around. Oh no, a Guff delegate is expected to work for his for her living. For starters, at the convention they visit, they will be given various duties. These may include speaking on panels, taking part in award ceremonies, and any number of other duties. This may include fund raising activities for the fan funds. Delegates will often also participate in other areas of the convention, depending on their own expertise and interests.

Around the main convention (or conventions) being attended, delegates will often visit fan groups in the area, playing a sort of ambassadorial role. The general expectation is that travel and expenses directly relating to the GUFF trip may be claimed from the fund, but that any personal sightseeing would be out of their own pocket. However, most delegates will keep their costs modest to ensure they leave sufficient funds for their successor’s trip. We’ll get to that bit in a minute.

One very important part of the trip is writing a report afterwards. Apart from being a great way of telling their peers who voted for them what they did, it has important financial impacts for the fund.

First, the sale of the report contributes to the fund, but there is also a US university who pay a bounty for each trip report. The value of this is not inconsiderable, but it decreases over time, so it really does pay to get it done quickly. These days many fans supplement this report by blogging as they go, which keeps fans at home in touch while making the trip report easier afterwards.

But even after the trip report is written, the GUFF delegate’s responsibilities aren’t over. In a sense they are only beginning. Their next responsibility is to administer the fund until the next delegate in the same direction is elected. This means that at any time there are two administrators, one in Europe and one in Australia. The administrator has to organise fund raising activities, mainly fan fund auctions, and run the next two elections (one in each direction) for fans on their side of the world.

Once a new delegate has been elected, they can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

So yes, it is a free holiday, but there are lots of strings attached.

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Part 3: Where does the money come from? In parts 1and 2 I talked about GUFF and how it works and what the winner’s responsibilities are. But the question which naturally follows is who pays for it all?

The short answer is, “You do.” (you being fans of science fiction).

This, of course, prompts you to ask, “Why would I want to do that?” Perhaps you’ll allow me to give the longer answer first.

The fund actually comes from several sources. The first is directly from fans when they vote for their preferred candidate (or vote for one of the alternatives, which I’ll cover in a later instalment). Each vote must be accompanied by a donation to the fund, with the current minimum being £5, or the local currency equivalent, though larger donations are not discouraged. This may form a relatively small portion of the fund, but it forms an important principal that by voting you support the candidate to get selected, and the eventual winner to make the trip.

The next source is from the sale of trip reports. Next time you are at a big convention, look for the fan fund table, which will be loaded high with mighty tomes going back to the early days. Pick a few up and feast in the old school production values. And then buy some. For the fund! Again the actual sums of money from trip reports may not be great, but the principle is vital.

After that we get down to actual fund raising, which mainly takes the form of fan auctions. The tradition is that you donate some stuff you don’t want to the auction, then go along and bid on a load of other stuff you don’t want (and maybe occasionally some that you do), but you don’t mind because it’s for the fund. Next time around you’ll have realised you didn’t want the stuff, and you donate it back so the cycle can continue.

Other fund raising ideas come along from time to time, such as Ang Rosin’s ‘Name the amusingly shaped potato’ competition at Novacon.

Finally, as mentioned in the last episode, two bodies known as FANAC and SCIFI pay bounties upon completion of a trip report. This is quite a considerable sum, especially if the report is finished within a reasonable time after the trip (a good idea, while it’s still fresh in memory). This is obviously of great benefit to the fund.

I think an important concern when planning a trip is to ensure the fund is not depleted by more than can comfortably be replenished before the next trip, and previous administrators have done a fantastic job of keeping the fund in good shape for their successors.

Part 4: So what actually happens on a GUFF trip? In parts 1, 2 and 3 I talked a bit about what GUFF is and how it’s funded, but now I think it’s time to get into the details of what actually goes on when you get there. Of course the details vary, and each GUFF delegate has their own way of doing things, but that’s what makes trip reports worth reading. There are, of course, traditions that must be observed.

Every GUFF trip centres around at least one convention, usually the biggest con in the destination country that year. Naturally, when there’s a Worldcon on either continent that tends to be the target, which sometimes requires a little juggling of the trip schedule to ensure it’s going in the right direction that year. Other years it tends to be the British Eastercon for northbound trips and the Aussie Natcon for southbound ones.

Where possible, delegates often try to take in an extra con. For example, last year’s delegates hopped over to Ireland for P-Con, which was a couple of weeks before Eastercon. This year the New Zealand national convention conveniently falls just before the Aussie Worldcon, so there’s a good chance of it being included.

At the convention, the delegate will have certain duties, as previously. They are also expected to socialise and do everything in their power to help improve relations between European and Australian fandom.

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Usually the convention will make an important contribution by offering free membership and sometimes even free accommodation, which amounts to a significant saving for the fund.

GUFF delegates will often team up with delegates from other fan funds, such as TAFF (between Europe and North America) or DUFF (between Australia and North America), depending on which country they happen to be in. They’ll usually be called upon to present some sort of award, and they’ll often appear on panels. And, of course they’ll help with the fan fund auction.

After the convention, things diverge from trip to trip, but visiting other fans generally features heavily. Often local fans will put up the delegate, again saving on the cost to the fund.

Usually the trip will last several weeks, since there’s no point in going so far for just a weekend. Sometimes fans will extend the trip out to a couple of months. Some fans consider that too long for uninterrupted fanish activity, so they interrupt it for some personal sightseeing.

Hopefully they will come back with a better understanding of fandom on the other side of the world, some great memories, and a lot of new friends. And then they’ll write a trip report about it all.

Part 5 - So what’s this about an election? In previous instalments I talked about GUFF, the Gone-Under/Get-up-and-Over Fan Fund, hinting that the delegate is chosen by their peers. Now, I feel it time to explain how this works.

To start with, candidates must be nominated to stand for the election by a total of five fans. Three of the nominators must be on the candidates own continent, and two from the destination. The nominators are important, since fans who don’t know the candidates will look to see who nominated them.

Once a candidate has agreement from their

nominators, they lodge a bond of ￡15 with the

current administrator, and write a short platform about themselves to tell people why they ought to vote for them. This appears on the ballot form.

After that, candidates are expected to publicly say what fine upstanding folk their rivals are, while secretly plotting their untimely demise. Of course all candidates hire personal bodyguards to ensure these plans never come to pass.

But back to the election, where fans now have ballot papers. In order to vote, fans must have been active in fandom for a reasonable amount of time. Active in fandom is considered to mean attending conventions or doing other fanish things.

Voters may have to give the name of another person known to the administrators who can vouch for them. Although individual votes will not be made public or revealed to the candidates, voters must identify themselves to the administrator, so it’s a sort of semi-secret ballot.

The ballot papers will list the names of all candidates who have been properly nominated, plus a couple of extras. The first is “hold over fund”, who should be voted for if both candidates make your blood boil and you don’t want either to make the trip. The second is called “no preference”, who should be voted for if you think both are lovely, and you don’t mind which one goes, or if you just can’t decide.

Rather than just ticking the box, you should number votes, with 1 for the person or entity you like best, 2 for your second preference, and so on. In the old days this was all done on paper, but thanks to the magic of the Internet, you can now do it all online. Of course paper votes are still valid too.

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To win the election, a candidate must achieve at least 50% of the total number of votes. If nobody achieves this from first preference votes, the candidate with the lowest number of votes will be eliminated, and the second preference from their ballots will be counted and added to the other candidates’ first preference votes. This continues until a candidate has majority of the valid votes.

These elections have been an important feature of fan funds from the early days, and since votes must be accompanied by a donation, it gives the candidates a good incentive to get their friends to vote for them, boosting the fund. And a little friendly rivalry between candidates makes it interesting.

Once the election is over and the results announced, a candidate becomes the GUFF delegate until their trip is complete when they become the administrator and the cycle starts again.

Part 6: Are fan funds still relevant today? The main reason fan funds were set up has to do with the cost of international travel. With air fares a fraction of what they were in the 1950s, this argument certainly holds less weight. But if somebody's main reason for standing for a fan fund was because they couldn't afford to get to a Worldcon, I'd be inclined to say "let them save up like everyone else." Let's face it, if anyone on even a modest income really wanted to, and planned far enough ahead, they could go to a Worldcon.

I'm sure that remark has a lot of people saying, "There's no way I could ever afford a Worldcon." That may be true for them. But for a lot of us, if we really wanted to, and we prioritised it over some of the other things we

spend our money on, we could find ￡10 a week to put into a savings account. After a couple of years we'd

have a grand that would get you most of the way to a U.S. Worldcon. The trouble is that life gets in the way, and something happens that means we can't save for a few weeks, and then something else happens that causes unavoidable expense, and we find ourselves dipping into our savings just a little. And pretty soon we're having to put off that Worldcon trip just for a year.

So, yes, for someone who has struggled to save to go to Worldcons, the fan fund may be a real boon.

But I don't think that's what fan funds were ever really about. The financial support is certainly important, but being a GUFF representative is about a representing European fandom, about serving the convention, and most importantly, about forging a bond of friendship with fans across the world. And once that's over, it's about passing on the torch, and making sure

the fund is in good shape for the next delegate.

I've heard it suggested that we should stop having fan funds now that we're being discouraged from flying to save the planet. In my opinion, this could make the funds more important than they are now, partly because carbon taxes could push the price of travel back up, but more importantly, because it allows fandom to choose a symbolic representative. Fans can say "I would have gone to the Worldcon, but I'm choosing to send the fan fund delegate instead."

Mind you, another part of me secretly hopes we're about to discover a new mode of air travel that doesn't pollute the planet and will allow us all to have the personal jet-packs we were promised.

So I believe that fan funds are as relevant as they ever were, and possibly more so.

James Shields 7 The Way, Highlands,

Drogheda, Ireland. E-mail: james@lostcarpark.com

Reprinted from James Shields’s fanzine Brick Fix #2 - visit www.efanzines.com/BrickFix/BrickFix02.pdf

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Conventions on the horizon

Australian conventions

31st NZ Natcon 2010 – ‘Au Contraire’ Friday 27–Sunday 29 August 2010 http://aurcontraire.org,nz/

(the week end before Aussiecon 4) at the Quality Hotel, Cuba Street in the heart of Wellington New Zealand

Aussie Natcon 2010 - 49th Natcon – Dudcon 3, Melbourne, September 2010. Chair: Paul Ewins.

With the Worldcon happening in 2010, the Natcon will be somewhat on the small side. DudCon 3, as it is known, will consist of a business meeting, the Ditmar Awards, and possibly a BBQ, and will be held as part of Worldcon. After that, the Natcon moves to Perth for Swancon 36 in 2011 (see below).

Paul Ewins will run DudCon 3 in conjunction with Aussiecon 4 in much the same way as Spawncon 2 was run in conjunction with Aussiecon 3 in 1999, ie. it will consist of a Business Meeting, Ditmars ceremony and possibly a barbeque. Aussiecon 4 has no connection with DudCon 3 other than agreeing to provide space in the program for the Business Meeting and Ditmar Awards; nor (at this stage) is Aussiecon 4 contributing financially to the cost of the Ditmars. DudCon 3 memberships may be purchased for as little as $10, with memberships at escalating levels of prestige on sale for higher amounts.

Paul’s DudCon3 Progress Report #2 is out, dated May 4th 2010. (Visit www.dudcon.com). News so far: Special Award of the Convention announced: Best Fanish Cat. 47 members to date. Calling for Ditmar award nominations is still a little while off. Ditmar trophies have been made although the engraving is still to be done (ie. when all the categories are known). Ditmar Ceremony could be held on the Friday night, maybe with wine and nibblies but this might cost $20/head for an unknown amount of people.

Continuum 7 (Melbourne on June 10-13, 2011) GoH Robert Rankin

Conflux 7 (Canberra on Sep 30 to Oct 3, 2011) GoH TBA

http://www.continuum.org.au/

http://www.conflux.org.au/

World conventions

Reconstruction (2010 NaSFiC – 10th occasional North American Science Fiction Convention)

will be held in Raleigh, North Carolina. On August 5-8, 2011

E-mail: info@reconstructionsf.org Website: http://www.reconstructionsf.org/

Mailing address: ReConStruction, PO Box 31706, Raleigh, NC 27622

Aussiecon 4 (68th Worldcon)

will be held at the Melbourne (Australia) Convention and Exhibition Centre on September 2-6, 2010. E-mail: info@aussiecon4.org.au Website: www.aussiecon4.org.au

Mailing address: GPO Box 1212, Melbourne 3001 AUSTRALIA Guests of Honour: Kim Stanley Robinson: Hugo and Nebula Award winning author Shaun Tan: World Fantasy, Aurealis and Ditmar Award winning graphic artist Robin Johnson: Fan Guest of Honour

World Fantasy Convention October 28-31, 2010 http://contextsf.org/WFC/ At the Hyatt Regency Hotel Columbus, Ohio (USA)

Renovation (69th Worldcon)

Will be held in Reno, Nevada, on August 17-21, 2011 E-mail: info@renovationsf.org Website: www.renovationsf.org Mailing address: Renovation, PO Box 13278, Portland, OR 97213-0278, USA

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Stefan Zone MORE GIVE, LESS TAKE = MORE QUIZ, LESS ANSWERS

Most of you who live in Australia would have been subject now to the latest TV ad from NAB. If you haven’t, watch it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAjzgFGagNY

To give a brief overview for those who haven't seen it and can’t be bothered watching it:

* Young boy and older girl play Indians (American Indians, not call-centre Indians)

* Girl tires of game and decides to snatch the boy's quiver of arrows and run away with them.

* Boy attempts to retrieve stolen property, but is unable to recover then from the bigger bully girl. Boys lip starts to quiver.

*Girl finally relents and gives the stolen property back to the boy.

A 'Happy' ending and the banks campaign slogan of "More Give, less take" is displayed.

The ad confusedled me greatly. A number of questions immediately spring to mind:

* Is the bank condoning bullying?

* Is the bank's behaviour reflective of the older girl taking property that doesn’t belong to her; being stubborn in not giving back the stolen property and picking on someone smaller than her?

* Is the bank comparing their customers to a whimpering boy, who only wants to retrieve what is rightfully his?

* Are they saying that customers should go away happy when they receive their stolen property back instead of demanding to know why the bank stole it in the first place?

* How is it "More Give" when the customers are only receiving back what was originally theirs? "More" would signify giving back in excess of something.

Then again, how can anybody expect anything else from a company whose name says it all? Maybe they can rename themselves “Snatch” instead? No, that would require another Ad campaign.

TEACHING 2010 STYLE - THE GENTLE ART OF HINTING

A recent report in the newspaper - see http://www.martindixon.org/Newsclips.php?id=57 showcased some of the new teaching methods used by teachers in dealing with troublesome students. Hmm, "dealing with" is such a harsh term. Let's make it "having a shared sense of understanding". Even the word 'Teachers' has an antiquated, oppressive ring to it. Let's call them 'Education Facilitators'. EF's are urged to give up their powers and become 'agents' of their students.

I didn't realise that EF's had any powers left. What powers EF's used to possess have been so watered down that they now resemble drinks at a night club. No wonder EF's end up with wrinkles.

Obviously, having EF's deciding the rules would be too authoritarian, so we'll let the students decide their own rules. Oh, but there is a counter balance here - students have to discuss the impact of their misbehaviours. "Duh, if I'd manage to hit Jimmy one more time, he would have ended up in hospital

for a week instead of just three days."

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Don't be concerned that other student's rights are being impacted - they've thought of that too, but in a way that doesn't force the disruptive student to alter their behaviour. Obviously they've also got rights. According to the 'Prof' in charge of this weirdo cult "It's a skill of hinting. That can be a sign on the wall you can point to. One teacher

has got a green dot on the floor on which he

actually stands on to indicate that right now

someone is not doing the right thing." (No-one could have written a better comedy piece than this)

I think this may lead to a bit of confusion. The next time a kid is assaulting another in the classroom, how are they to realise that their EF is standing on a green dot or pointing to a sign on the wall ? Surely the bully has the right to do what he/she wants ? Any attempt to stop them would be a violation of their rights and would surely lead to legal action.

And then these kids grow up, ready to face the world without a moral compass between them, thanks to the Ejumakashn Dept. What would the world have been like if Hitler's EF could only have hinted that he was doing the wrong thing, or if Genghis Khan’s EF could have pointed to a

message on a wall? Being illiterate, Genghis may not have been able to understand, but I guess we'll never know.

Having read the aforementioned newspaper clip, I feel better equipped to handle any more fights on the train. I now carry in my backpack a big, green dot.

MORE TECHNO TRIPE

Technology is still continuing to pass me by at an ever increasing speed. Since you can’t be too careful with new technologies, I always let others test them thoroughly before I join in. It only took me to the year 2001 before I started buying a CD collection. It was another year before I bought a CD player.

It’s not only the speed of new technology but the vast number and the cost that are a bit off-putting. Do I really need a desktop computer, laptop, notebook, PDA, blueberry, blue teeth, i-phone, i-pad, i-book, i’m-sick-of-all-these-useless-things ? Should I take another five jobs just so I can be the first to afford a new gizmo that is all the rage overseas ?

One of my brothers has just moved overseas for three years and before he went, he told me to set up some program on my PC so Mum and I can snipe him. Who’s got time for video games ?? Given my poor eyesight and lack of practice with shooting games, I’ll probably miss him. Can’t he just be a twit ? Hmm, given the kerfuffle over what the Age columnist twitted at the Logies, maybe that’s not a good idea.

Where are all these robots that were dreamed up back in the 60’s and 70’s that were meant to take over and do everything ? Surely I should be able to sit back and relax while some cyborg types out my articles on whatever new techno gizmo is flavour of the minute ?

I reckon that b y the time I have finished this piece someone would have produced another gizmo to make redundant the gizmo that’s already replaced the gizmo that’s replaced typing. Meanwhile someone would have invented another gizmo that will replace the gizmo that’s just been produced to make redundant the gizmo that’s already replaced the gizmo that’s replaced typing. While that’s going on, someone will be thinking about inventing a newer gizmo that will replace the gizmo that’s just being invented to replace the gizmo that’s just been produced ... (Shades of “Court of King Caractacus” there)

How does that new saying go again? I twit ? – You Twit !

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SMELL YOU LATER - THE DELAYED BATHROOM RENOVATIONS

Home renovations are always prone to delays, especially when attempting them yourself. That's why Mum decided to get a builder in to redo the bathroom instead of relying on family (I received a 'D' for Woodwork so I wasn't in the race, but some of my brothers have the knack for this sort of thing).

Work started in mid April but only continued for four days before the builder ended up in hospital with heart problems. We had nothing to do with this - Whoever said Mum was a slave driver is a liar ! Those four days were enough for the builder to remove the old bath and shower, rip down the inner walls of the bathroom, start putting up the new plaster sheets and that was about it.

We soon got word the builder would be off work for some time after they operated on him to insert a pacemaker. We ended up being shower-less for about 5 weeks ! Maybe we should have employed a doctor to do the renovations?

As I'm part-English (somewhere back in the family history), being shower-less didn't worry me too much but it started affecting others around me. I started seeing less and less people in my train carriage each day. People at work (even the person sitting next to me) would call me on the telephone instead of coming up and talking. I was also granted an elevator all to myself.

At lunch times, I'd walk around the city and people would come up, with a hand over their nose, and give me money. "You poor bloke", they'd say. "Down on your luck ?" In the end, I was chased down Collins Street by the resident beggars, who shouted out for me to get my own spot somewhere else and stop taking business away from them. I’d actually made more money each lunch time as I did for working for the entire day ! I was also offered the part of a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, but had to decline because I’m not that good with heights.

I n this situation, you try everything. I tried a sponge bath, but without water all you're really doing is sitting on some dry sponges looking ridiculous. Harking back to something the earlier generation used to do, I tried rigging up a hose through the bedroom window, but this just made a mess of the carpet. I also don't have the required balance to stand in a bucket. Besides, cold water alone isn't enough these days when it's only five degrees outside. A brilliant idea of adding hot water to the cold worked for a half a minute before the lid of the kettle fell off and I was scalded.

In the end, work gave me three weeks off. Compassionate leave, I think it was. Mum and I then became prisoners in our own home as we waited each day for the arrival of another builder that the first one had lined up for us. Bit by bit, the shower part was finished. After the glass sides of the shower were installed mid last week, we had to wait another day before we could use it! Urgh !

While the builder still has to come back and finish the rest of the tiling, the completed shower has made the world of difference. Before the first shower, I had to use a paint scraper to get rid of five weeks of grime, lest I clog up the drain.

After the shower I looked like a new Stefan !

The New (washed) Stefan

STEFAN COUNTRY RADIO

"Well, it's three minutes past the hour on Stefan Country Radio and it's the Medical Hour where we’ll be talking to one of our regulars, Dr Placebo, about big-city medical procedures and how us country folk can perform them. Before we chat to Dr Placebo, it's time to read a few community messages from our listeners:

* Joyce Hartman sends a big cheerio to Bill Whoosit and warns him to keep his feral dogs away from her sheep.

* Josie Turtledove wants to send a big thanks to Ma Colby after her recipe for sawdust scones turned out a treat. Josie has even dropped a few off for us at the studio but they look too good to

22

eat, so we'll let them sit here to go stale. Pretty soon they will become a mouldy mess and then we'll throw them out. Thanks, Joyce.

* John Applecart is putting everything from his small garage up for sale this Saturday. This includes 6 Massey Ferguson tractors, a few Dodge trucks from the 40's and some Hudson sedans from the 30's as well as 5,000 other items and another 15 vehicles.

Now we welcome Dr Placebo, who today will be talking to us about Internet Operations. Welcome, Doctor."

- Thank you. It’s always a pleasure to be on the Medical Hour.

"We'll be breaking new ground today as your topic is on Internet Operations. Now we may need to

take some parts slowly. Some of our listeners have

never heard of the internet while others who do

have internet suffer such slow service that they can

walk into town 200 miles away and back before it

has finished opening up their e-mail account."

Well, I'm a Doctor, not an Internet Service Technician, but I can tell you that according to Wikipedia, the internet is a 'global system of interconnected computer networks'. Like the telephone that allows us to speak to each other, the internet allows us to communicate much more data, such as spam, between one another. Now Wikipedia will be covered a fair bit today - it's where I got my Doctorate.

"So how do we combine the Internet with Medical Operations?"

- This is very new to the medical profession and Australia is leading the world with this. It comes down to distance. When Australians hurt themselves in the outback, they're used to tying their severed limbs back on with barbed wire and walking the 500 miles to the nearest settlement for a beer. Then someone goes all namby pamby and calls them a doctor, who has to travel 5,000 miles to see them.

- The purpose behind Internet Operations is for outback people to become so self sufficient in medical operations that doctors, such as I, don't have to venture outside the luxury surrounds of our Toorak mansions.

"Tell us a bit about how Internet Operations came about?"

- Originally it was meant for country doctors far away from cities to view what their city counterparts were doing and then perform the same procedure in the country. I've now opened this concept up so that anyone, regardless of fake medical degrees, can learn how to operate on themselves or others. For a few months now, I've been disguising myself as a graduate student and have sat in on a number of different operations in city hospitals, secretly filming them on my mobile phone.

"So take me through how people go about accessing these Internet Operations"

- They simply type in the following address into their internet explorer session: www.drplacebo.com.au and click on the link to Internet Operations. There they can select from one of the 50 operations that I’ve filmed so far and it will take them through the operation step by step. It even provides a list of instruments and other items you will require, along with their outback equivalent. For example, say your operation needs a scalpel. One outback equivalent is a blunt knife used for scraping animal droppings from your shoes.

"Sounds fascinating. We'll take a short break now and will be back with more Dr Placebo. Later on,

he’ll be performing an Internet Operation on an

unsuspecting person in the studio, so stay tuned."

--------------------------

Tonight on Stefan TV

Bullied at school, they stuck together through thick and thin ... The Glue Club, starring Anita Appearance, Mal Practice and Enza De Earth.

Stefan

Stefan Zone Exit

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Casserole of Cockatoo

Here is a recipe from Argus Tuft’s Bushman’s Friend and Dinkum Aussie Cook Book.

Casserole of Cockatoo

Pluck and clean your bird, put it in a casserole dish with some water, a number of vegetables and spices and add a large chunk of rock. Put the dish in the oven and cook at a moderate temperature until the rock softens. At this point you discard the cockatoo and eat the rock.

It is best consumed with a Lyre Bird liqueur. Connoisseurs tend to disparage what they call ‘critter wines’ as being of less than average standard. Lyre Bird liqueurs are a rarer distillation but beware of brand substitutions such as lye water used in Asian cooking.

War Against The Worm

Mr Tuft also warns of parasitic worms in his excellent publication. A particularly revolting member of the species mind-controls its snail host to climb up to where the poor thing will be eaten by a cockatoo.

His book was written for explorers in convict days when the Colony of New South Wales was restricted to coastal areas bounded by the Blue Mountains west of Sydney town. This folklore from the days of colonial settlement has not escaped the attention of talented graphic artists and their collaborators.

Created by Otto Binder and C C Beck, Mister Mind is a two-inch worm of high intelligence and one of Captain Marvel’s primary antagonists who pursues his nefarious stratagems via an organisation called the Monster Society of Evil, significantly the first super-villain team in comics history to bring together evildoers a superhero has had run-ins with previously.

At left is the cover of Captain Marvel Adventures 39 (September 1944). Captain Marvel Adventures was published from 1941 to 1953 by Fawcett Publications and a marathon 150 issues were circulated in that time.

In 1941 National Periodical Publications sued Fawcett citing alleging breach of copyright in that Captain Marvel was too similar to their superhero Superman.

It was widely considered that nothing could be further from the truth given that their respective antecedents in myth were so widely divergent, but Courts are notoriously fickle. A decision in favour of Superman was not reached until the 1950s. Fawcett reacted by discontinuing their entire line of superhero comics. In 1972 National Periodical (since re-named DC Comics) purchased rights to the erstwhile Fawcett characters.

Some of the old comics were re-issued in their original formats but DC Comics went further and published new titles with contemporary sequential artist-author collaborations, sometimes including both Captain Marvel and Superman in the one story.

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Calendar reform – an Aussie perspective

In IRS February 2010 I wrote that, for civil purposes, modern China has since 1912 used the Gregorian calendar depending solely on the Sun’s movements established by the Roman Catholic Church in 1582.

It has, however, retained its own traditional calendar dating from the reign of Emperor Huang Ti in 2637 BC to fix the timing of festivals. That calendar is lunisolar, ie. based on the movement of the longitude of the Sun and the phases of the Moon, and has the distinction of being the most ancient chronological record in history.

Unlike western calendars, the Chinese calendar has names that are repeated every sixty years. Within that 'Stem-Branch' system is a shorter cycle of twelve years denoted by animals, viz. Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig.

Five hundred years after the European Renaissance, it is noised about that the predicted Decline and Fall of the West might have already begun. There is talk of calendar reform to reflect an accelerating cultural shift in favour of the Middle Kingdom.

In response to this line of speculation, IRS wishes to assert the Aussie perspective on calendar reform, viz.

We should not accept an animal-based cycle that has no wombat and no penguin among the symbols.

Bill Wright

Black Saturday One Year On

In IRS June 2009, I had strong words to say about bushfires that, on 7th February 2009, engulfed large areas of populated bushland in the Australian state of Victoria, killing 173 people.

A Royal Commission (16th century-style Star Chamber) was set up in February 2010 to investigate circumstances relating to the Victorian bushfire season in January and February 2009. It has yet to present its report to the Governor of Victoria, Professor David de Kretser AC, but must do so by Saturday 31st July 2010.

The media reported on proceedings from the day hearings began in April 2010. Many of those reports have been labelled “inflammatory” and “extremely unhelpful” by counsel assisting the Commission. With a State election in the offing voters are polarised on the issue, the majority having already decided that Emergency Services Victoria performed poorly during the crisis. Their main impressions are that ‘stay or go’ advice given to people at risk from the fires was flawed, that the communications network failed because of design faults that should have been picked up in normal project management acceptance testing and that key personnel supposedly in charge of operations went AWOL at times of greatest peril.

It will be hard for the Commission to whitewash all that, assuming it wants to, but we’ll see what happens. Look forward to my report on the Commission’s findings in IRS August 2010.

Bill Wright

25

Quo vadis, mate?

Prepared in Melbourne for publication in Anzapa #255 June 2010 and for display on http://www.efanzines.com