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How to Coach a Perfectionist

Glenn Livingston, Ph.D.

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2

Glenn Livingston, Ph.D.

How to

Coach a

Perfectionist Sharon Livingston, Ph.D.

c

Originally trained as a psychologist, Dr. Glenn Livingston has helped literally thousands of clients. Along with his wife Sharon, he’s sold consulting, teambuilding, and workshops to big names like AT&T, Nextel, Panasonic, Whirlpool, Novartis, Lipton, Colgate-Palmolive, Kraft, and Panasonic. Their work, research, and theories have been seen in major media publications like The New York Times, Entrepreneur Magazine, Crain’s NY Business, AdWeek, America West, and more!

"According to Our Students We Run One of the Most Powerful Certification Programs for

Coaches Who Want to Grow a Thriving Practice...And Now You Can TEST-DRIVE It

for a $25 One Time Payment!”

3

Contents Introduction ..................................................................................................................... 4

Isn't everybody a perfectionist? ....................................................................................... 5

How to determine if your client is a perfectionist ............................................................. 5

Behind perfectionism ....................................................................................................... 7

How to approach your perfectionist client ........................................................................ 8

Ways to help clients kick perfectionism ........................................................................... 8

Model being authentic .................................................................................................. 8

Stay in the present ....................................................................................................... 9

Separate results from judgment ................................................................................... 9

Ask them what they think ............................................................................................. 9

Teach forgiveness ....................................................................................................... 9

Create a place where it's OK to fail ............................................................................ 10

Create a place where it's OK to try to be perfect ....................................................... 10

Put as much value on failure as success ................................................................... 10

Work with them to appreciate constructive criticism .................................................. 10

Encourage teaching ................................................................................................... 11

Practice gratitude ....................................................................................................... 11

Reframing .................................................................................................................. 11

Conclusion .................................................................................................................... 12

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Introduction Most people want to do a good job in their endeavors. Most of us want to be liked by

people, too. There's a strong drive in our culture to be the best at everything, so most

people try to do just that. But the problem is sometimes we lose sight of our goals

because we focus too much at being the best worker, best parent, best spouse, best

child, best friend and best coach.

It's necessary to do our best most of the time. When people get good grades, they tend

to get into better colleges. When we do well at work, we tend to get raises, bonuses,

and promotions. Most of the time if we work hard and do our best, we get ahead

professionally and financially. When people like us we tend to have easier, better

relationships.

But … sometimes people go overboard. They become obsessed with being perfect.

They want the best body, the best car, the best job, the best kids, and the best spouse.

We think that if everything is perfect, our lives will be stress-free and that we can finally

be happy. And the sad thing is for these people the best is never good enough. Nothing

is ever perfect enough.

People who become obsessed at being perfect are called perfectionists. And

perfectionists, because they want to be the best, tend to want to work with coaches to

help them reach the pinnacle of success. Sometimes they also want us to teach them

how to push their co-workers or families to get with the program of perfection.

Although perfectionists can be a challenge to coach, you can help them develop

realistic goals and action plans to fulfill their dreams. You just need the right tools to

help them get on the path of being OK with less than perfect. Trying to be perfect all the

time is grueling, both emotionally and mentally. It adversely affects relationships, and

sometimes perfectionists find that in their need to be perfect they've failed completely at

meeting their goals.

Here is some information to help you determine if you're working with a perfectionist and

how to help them transform themselves into people who are OK with making a mistake

every once in a while. You can help them learn to have a balanced life where they set

high goals for themselves, but they are realistic goals with a doable action plan to reach

them. You can even help them stop torturing their family, friends and business

associates to be perfect, too.

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Isn't everybody a perfectionist? No! In fact, people who succeed are often not perfectionists at all. They are people who

see the world realistically. They are people who have their own internal compass that

helps them chart their course. They don't make decisions about their live based (solely)

on what other people think.

Perfectionists are people who need approval from others. They have self-defeating

behaviors, like procrastination, that actually sabotage them rather than help them. They

have little or no personal satisfaction. Plus their relationships are often a train wreck

because they are almost as critical of others as they are of themselves.

This is no way to live. In fact, studies have found that perfectionists live shorter lives and

are less healthy than non-perfectionists. They suffer much more from anxiety and

depression, and may even have more likelihood of developing post-partum depression.

How to determine if your client is a perfectionist Sometimes perfectionism is easy to spot. Clients will usually say something that gives

you a clear indication that they are pushing themselves, and often others, way too hard.

Other times it'll be more subtle. Good coaches are curious about their clients and their

world, so with a little knowledge and some good questions, you'll be able to pick out the

perfectionists in no time at all.

Here are some of the ways that perfectionists talk:

"Should" statements. Perfectionists tend to "should" all over themselves. They will sit

in a session and tell you a thousand things they, or other people, ought to be doing.

Some examples are: "He should be doing what I want," "They should have given me

more time to make it perfect," or "I should always look good no matter how I feel."

Catastrophic reasoning. This is a belief that something that they will do will have much

worse consequences than realistic. Some examples are, "If I don't lose 20 pounds my

husband will leave me," "If I make one mistake on the annual report I'll get fired." "If this

campaign isn't a hit out of the ballpark I'll never get any new clients again."

Black and white. Everything is good or bad, right or wrong. There are no in-between,

or gray, areas at all. Perfectionists view life in extremes. They'll say things like, "I'll look

weak if I ask for help," "Being late is always wrong," or "I have to always be right."

“Poordicting”: Poordicting is making very poor and unrealistic predictions about future

events. Perfectionists are usually wildly off the mark when they try to predict the future.

Here are some examples, "I can't go on vacation because my co-workers will

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undermine me while I'm gone," "If my kid flunks math his teacher will think I'm a bad

parent."

Besides the dead giveaway statements above, here are some other things to listen and

watch for with a new client:

Procrastination. It may seem counterintuitive, but many perfectionists wait until

the last minute to get things done. That's often because they are paralyzed with

the fear that they may make a mistake or not do a good job. Unfortunately, being

a procrastinator sets them up to fulfill the prophecy. Last minute, hurried work

tends to have more mistakes and be of lower quality than work performed well

before a deadline.

Extreme focus on results. Perfectionists only care about results. They don't

focus on what lessons they learned, what small achievements they made or

other positives that happened along the way. They are only interested in

outcomes. They aren't interested in extenuating circumstances or sometimes not

even the processes used to get the job done.

Rigidity. Perfectionists often have a "my way or the highway" approach to life.

They don't like things to change because it makes them feel like they lack

control. If they can control people, places, and things around them, they will most

likely be perfect. If not, who knows? Perfectionists never just go with the flow.

Demanding to do everything themselves. Perfectionists do everything they

can to not delegate. Once a job leaves their hands, they have no control over

whether it will be performed perfectly. Perfectionist bosses tend to take an

employee's work and redo it themselves to meet their specifications, rather than

to give the employee the opportunity to learn how to do it herself.

Inability to handle criticism, even if it is constructive. Most people who want

to achieve success welcome constructive criticism. They want to get suggestions

on how to improve. Perfectionists do not. The fear and shame they feel about

doing something perfectly clouds their ability to see the big picture, and see how

valuable constructive criticism can be.

Fear for motivation. To some extent, fear motivates everybody. But for the

perfectionist, it's the only thing that drives them. They take steps toward meeting

their goals not because they are excited about meeting their goal. They move

toward their goals because of sheer fear that they mail fail.

Excessive worry over what others think. Perfectionists worry way too much

about what people are thinking or saying about them. They sometimes base their

decisions on what they think other people will think, rather than what would be in

their best interest.

Highly critical. Perfectionists are highly critical not only of themselves, but

others, too. People who have perfectionists as bosses tend to get caught up in

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the reign of terror unleashed when their boss finds a small mistake in their work.

Perfectionists don't allow employees to make mistakes. They don't allow their

spouses or children to make any, either.

Unrealistic expectations. People who are perfectionists have unrealistic

expectations of themselves and others. Nobody can be perfect 100 percent of

the time. That is an unrealistic expectation. To try to be perfect is a setup for

failure. Everybody has a bad day. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody fails.

To delude yourself that you won't leads to nothing but unhappiness.

Getting stuck on one flaw. A perfectionist will come into a coach's office with

one flaw that they can't seem to get past. It could be a mole on their face or the

inability to remember how to spell the word, "accommodate." Whatever the flaw

is, it will be such a minor thing that you'll wonder why it disturbs them so much.

Fiddling while Rome is burning. Sometimes perfectionists get so stuck in their

obsessions that they don't see the big picture – and the really important things

that need their attention. '

Low self-esteem. Perfectionists suffer from low self-esteem. Many of them are

convinced that if they aren't perfect that they won't be loved or valued for their

work. They tend to dislike their looks more than non-perfectionists.

Note that everybody has some of these tendencies from time to time. But a person

stuck in perfectionism is doing most, if not all of these things, and it's ruining their life.

Healthy people have internal forces that guide them. Perfectionists are guided by

outside forces, like other people. It's a tough existence.

Behind perfectionism There is a psychological root to being a perfectionist. Because of the way they were

raised, most perfectionists learned that being “perfect” meant they could avoid feeling

shame, guilt, judgment, and blame from others. Therefore, when perfectionists sense

even a hint of failure they are inundated with shame, guilt, and fear to the point they

often can't function… which is why they continue to strive for perfection.

When we’re children, most of us figure out we’re valued by our achievements in this

society. Our parents are proud of us when we win a little league game. Our friends think

we're cool when we ask out the most beautiful girl in school and she says yes. When we

sat quietly during long road trips, we got a treat.

But only some kids learned they were also valued simply for who they were. They felt

unconditionally loved. That doesn't happen to all children. Unfortunately some are stuck

doing whatever they can to make their dad love them or make their siblings think they’re

cool. They live for the approval of others. Those people become perfectionists.

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Your goal as a coach isn't to fix what happened in the past – that’s what

psychotherapists are for. You’re there to help your clients move forward and achieve

their goals. So it's important for you know what mostly likely led to your perfectionist

client being the way there are…but it's not your job to fix it.

Sometimes you'll have a perfectionist who enters your practice needing psychological

help too. They must learn to manage the anxiety and depression which stems from the

guilt and shame they feel when they aren't achieving perfection. They'll need to get help

from a mental health professional before they can get help from a coach… or at least

concurrently with your work together.

How to approach your perfectionist client It's probably not a good idea to approach your client directly about their perfectionism.

Some will deny it. Others will wonder why being a perfectionist is a problem. Even

worse, many will consider their perfectionism itself an indication they’re less than

perfect, and thus paradoxically trigger the perfectionist shame syndrome.

So unless a client asks directly for help with perfectionism, it's best to simply use a few

tools to help them develop a more realistic view about themselves and others.

Ways to help clients kick perfectionism The key to working with a perfectionist client is to have a tool kit of ideas to help them

develop self-esteem and learn to value their own opinions. Here are some techniques to

try.

Model Authenticity

One of the attributes that most coaches have is the ability to model appropriate behavior

that helps their clients achieve success. One of those attributes is being authentic.

Being authentic is simply being who you are. Perfectionists have trouble doing that.

Perfectionists believe they are incompetent and unlovable. They are terrified if someone

knows who they really are that they will be found out.

Most successful coaches are already authentic. You had a challenge in your life that

you figured out how to overcome…now you want to share this experience with others so

you can spare them the pain you went through and speed their progress. You've made

mistakes in your life, and you're not afraid to admit it.

Model how to be that person. Be authentic yourself. Especially when the client blames

you for some big problem (which perfectionists inevitably will).

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Stay in the present

Coaches are all about working on the future with their clients, but with perfectionists

you'll need to spend a little more time in the present. It's almost impossible for

perfectionists not to be thinking about their next move. That's how they get so blindsided

by things in the present.

Ask your client questions about right now, this very moment. Get them to think about

how they feel – not how they'll feel when they accomplish their next goal.

Separate results from judgment

Every result is a judgment to a perfectionist. One of the things you can do to help is to

evaluate every result without judgment. This means looking at something the client

accomplished without deciding if it went well or didn’t. Ask your client how they met the

accomplishment, what worked and what they would do differently in the future.

Ask them what they think

Perfectionists will often answer a question with what other people think, like their

spouse or their boss. Don't let them get away with it. Ask them to answer the question

with their own thoughts. Taking the focus off what other people think is imperative for

people to overcome perfectionism.

Teach forgiveness

Everybody could use a little more forgiveness, and perfectionists are right at the top of

the list. It's important to understand what forgiveness is before you discuss it with your

client.

Forgiveness is letting go of a past hurt. Most people think forgiveness is about the

person being forgiven, but it's not. It's about the person who needs to forgive. Holding a

grudge hurts the person holding it, not the person it is aimed at.

One of my most treasured mentors taught me “At some point everyone has to

make a fundamental decision in life about whether they want to get even or get

well”…

Letting go is part of the decision to get well and move forward.

Discuss what resentments your client may be harboring and ask what’s stopping her

from forgiving… or at minimum letting go of the desire to get even.

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Forgiveness is simply giving up and moving on. That's difficult for a perfectionist. Work

with them to move in the direction of forgiveness. Make it a goal.

Create a place where it's OK to fail

Actor Robert Downey Jr. once said, "There's nothing worth doing that isn't worth doing

poorly for a while." This is a concept beyond understanding for many perfectionists. So

figure out something they could do where they could fail and it the world wouldn't end. It

could be something as simple as growing an orchid. (If it dies, you just throw it out!)

Or if your client is up to a challenge, ask them about things they've always wanted to try

but didn't for whatever reason. Maybe it's playing the oboe. Maybe it's fly fishing.

Whatever it is, encourage your client to try it. They don't have to be the best in this

endeavor. They just have to try it.

Create a place where it's OK to try to be perfect

One of my friends was working on her dissertation for her doctorate. She made knitting

garments the only thing where she could be perfect. If she detected one tiny error, she

would rip out her work and start again.

By picking a place to allow her perfectionism to shine, she lost her fear of failing and

finished her dissertation. She was less worried about making a mistake and kept

procrastinating writing. She took her advisor's criticism better, too.

Help your perfectionist client find an outlet for their perfectionism that allows them to

move forward with their careers and families.

Put as much value on failure as success

It's important for perfectionists to understand that failure is as valuable as success. Our

society doesn't often look as failure as positive, but it failure is a gold mine. In some

ways, the lessons I learned in failing in my business endeavors have been much more

valuable in the long run than some of my successes. That's what perfectionists need to

learn.

Be sure to point out the valuable aspects of any failure with your perfectionist client.

Looking at it from a different perspective will help them overcome the guilt and shame

they have for not living up to their unrealistic expectations.

Work with them to appreciate constructive criticism

Constructive criticism is invaluable to most people. Most perfectionists don't understand

the difference between it and unhelpful criticism, so teach them. Constructive criticism

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points out mistakes but also gives suggestions on how to avoid them in the future. It’s

forward looking, not punitive. And it uses the minimum necessary force to achieve a

successful communication.

But perfectionists shut down after hearing criticism of any type. They rarely even hear

the helpful, forward looking advice.

Ask your client if they will practice learning how to be a constructive critic. Perfectionists

are very critical of others, and learning how to offer criticism constructively will help

them with their family, friends and business associates. In the process, ask them to offer

constructive criticism to themselves. Doing so will help them develop less fear and more

of a positive attitude about getting a critique from someone else and help them start

seeing their goals more realistically.

Encourage teaching

Teaching others their skills helps some perfectionists overcome some of their difficulty,

so encourage your client to do so. Teaching puts the focus on the student, which keeps

the teacher from focusing on herself. Encourage your client to mentor others or

volunteer to teach a skill she has already mastered.

Practice gratitude

Perfectionists are never happy where they are. This isn't the kind of uneasiness that

motivates non-perfectionists to set another goal and move forward. This is profound

unhappiest that seriously affects the perfectionist's relationships. One way to help

perfectionists gain a little perspective is to encourage them to practice gratitude.

Ask your client to journal about 20 things (s)he is grateful about every day. This lesson

helps him to focus on what he has rather that what he doesn't. Perfectionists believe

nothing is good enough. Figuring out what he is grateful for shows a perfectionist that

some things really are good enough.

Reframing

A vital step in helping the perfectionist client move forward is to help them look at the

world in a new way. A technique called reframing can do that. Reframing is basically a

way of taking a negative thought and turning it into something positive. For example,

thinking "I am never good enough" could be turned into something like, "I'm a good

mother and a good friend."

There are a vast array of reframing techniques that you can read about in my free book,

How to Become Unstoppable. Check it out!

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Conclusion Perfectionism holds back many coaching clients. You can help them move forward by

encouraging them to look at the world in a new way and by helping them develop the

self-esteem that will have them seeking their own approval, rather than the rest of the

world. What a gift!

c

Originally trained as a psychologist, Dr. Glenn Livingston has helped literally thousands of clients. Along with his wife Sharon, he’s sold consulting, teambuilding, and workshops to big names like AT&T, Nextel, Panasonic, Whirlpool, Novartis, Lipton, Colgate-Palmolive, Kraft, and Panasonic. Their work, research, and theories have been seen in major media publications like The New York Times, Entrepreneur Magazine, Crain’s NY Business, AdWeek, America West, and more!

"According to Our Students We Run One of the Most Powerful Certification Programs for

Coaches Who Want to Grow a Thriving Practice...And Now You Can TEST-DRIVE It

for a $25 One Time Payment!”

PASS IT ON: Although this document is copyright Psy Tech Inc. (all rights reserved), you are free to copy and distribute it provided (a) you don’t charge for it; (b) you don’t change anything; (c) you leave all links intact.

DISCLAIMER: For education only as per the Disclaimer and Terms of Use Agreement on

www.TryTheProgram.com